失败

嗨，伙计们。

Hi, guys.

欢迎收听《随心所欲》的首期节目。

Welcome to the first episode of anything goes.

我总忍不住想说‘愚蠢天才’。

I keep wanting to say stupid genius.

我总是这样，坐下来时就会说‘欢迎回到愚蠢天才’。

I keep, like, sitting down, and I'm like, welcome back to stupid genius.

想到以后再也说不出这句话，其实让我有点难过。

And it kind of actually makes me a little bit sad that I'm never gonna say that again.

但我非常激动，因为这是第一期节目，虽然有点吓人，但非常令人兴奋。

But I'm very excited because this is the first episode, and it's kind of scary, but it's very exciting.

我觉得开始做新播客有点害怕，因为当事情不顺利需要调整时，总会觉得第一次失败了。

I think I'm a little bit scared to start a new podcast because it's it's kinda you kinda feel like you failed the first time when something doesn't work and you have to reroute.

很容易就会想‘哦，我他妈搞砸了’。

It's very easy to be like, oh, well, I fucking failed.

那我为什么还要再做一次呢？

So why would I wanna do it again?

比如，我为什么还要再试一次？

Like, why would I wanna try again?

因为尽管很多人确实很喜欢这个播客。

Because although the podcast a lot of people really liked the podcast.

有些人讨厌它。

Some people hated it.

有些人热爱它。

Some people loved it.

就像生活中所有事情一样。

As Everything Works in Life.

我觉得自己失败了，因为我开始不再享受做这件事。

I felt like I failed because I stopped enjoying doing it.

而这个概念原本让我超级兴奋。

And it was a concept I was super excited about.

这是我付出了巨大努力的事情，然而不到一年我就对它失去了热情。

It was something I worked really hard on, and yet, like, I lost passion for it in less than a year.

这真的很糟糕，因为你很难不去想自己是不是不该继续做下去了，但我不在乎。

And that sucks ass because it's hard not to think that you shouldn't like, you shouldn't do it anymore or whatever, but I don't care.

我重新振作起来，心想，我不在乎。

I got back on the horse, and I was like, I don't care.

我要再试一次。

I'm gonna try again.

所以我们带着'Anything Goes'回来了。

And so we're back with anything goes.

实际上，我们不是'回来'，因为这是第一集节目。

We're actually, we're not back because I this is the first episode.

我们在这里带来'Anything Goes'。

We're here with anything goes.

如果你想知道这个播客会如何安排内容，我会分享给你。

And if you kinda wanna know how this podcast is gonna be structured, I will share.

基本上，我们每期节目都会有一个核心主题，然后围绕这个主题展开讨论。

So basically, what we're gonna do is every episode, we're gonna have an overarching topic, and then we're gonna talk about it.

无论是我对此的建议、相关故事，还是我对该主题的任何评论或想法，都会分享出来。

So whether I have advice on it, stories about it, whatever commentary or thoughts I have on said topic, will share.

最后，我会回答关于这个主题的问题，以及你们提出的任何其他问题。

And then at the end, I'll answer questions about the topic and just whatever questions you guys have.

因为我特别喜欢回答大家的问题。

Because I love answering questions from people.

比如，我我不知道这是什么。

Like, I I don't know what it is.

也许我只是个自恋狂之类的。

Maybe I'm just a narcissist or something.

我不认为我是，因为我觉得我对别人的自恋行为太敏感了，所以我不认为自己是这样的人。

I don't think I am because I feel like I'm too aware of when other people are narcissists, so I don't think I am one.

这个话题改天再聊。

That's a topic for another day.

但我真的很喜欢回答人们提出的问题。

But I, like, I love answering questions that people have about things.

这可以说是我最喜欢做的事。

Like, it's my favorite thing to do.

也许只是因为我喜欢听自己说话。

Maybe it's just because I like to hear my own voice.

谁知道呢。

I don't know.

总之这就是这个播客的运作方式。

But that's how this podcast is gonna work.

它会非常开放，非常随意。

It's gonna be very open ended, very chill.

但我特别讨厌那些明明可以直接行动，却非要花过多时间解释的人。

But I have a pet peeve about people who explain things for longer than needed when they could just do the thing that they're gonna do instead.

这样说能明白吗？

Does that make sense?

所以他们就一直在说'哦，我要做这个了'，其实直接动手做大家自然就明白了。

And so then they just are talking like, oh, this is what I'm gonna do, when they could just be doing it and everybody would catch on.

所以基本上，我要停止这种作风，我们直接进入第一期节目。

So basically, I'm gonna stop doing that, and we're just gonna get into our first episode.

我要先让自己舒服点，然后开始我们的第一个话题。

And our first topic I'm gonna get comfortable.

今天我们的第一个话题是'失败'，因为我觉得这是个非常重要的讨论主题。

Our first topic today is failure because I think it's a very important topic to discuss.

我对自己非常苛刻。

And I'm very hard on myself.

我对所做的每件事都非常苛刻。

I'm very hard on myself for everything that I do.

所以我像所有人一样，一生中已经无数次感受到失败的滋味。

And so I've felt the feeling of failure bazillions of times in my life as everybody has.

但我觉得我甚至在没必要或说不过去的时候也会感到失败，如果这个词用得对的话。

But I think that I feel failure even when it's not necessary or, like, warranted, if that's the right word.

所以我想深入探讨这个话题。

So I wanna get into it.

首先，我想简单聊聊我的播客以及它是如何诞生的。

First, I wanna talk about my podcast a little bit and, like, how that happened.

比如我们为什么在这里，为什么我想要调整方向等等。

Like, why we're here, why I wanted to reroute, whatever.

倒不是说真的有人在意，但我觉得这算是个有价值的经验。

Not that anyone really cares, but I feel like it's kind of a valuable lesson.

从那个过程中可以汲取宝贵的经验教训。

There's a valuable lesson to be taken from that process.

基本上，我去年左右开始做播客，当时超级兴奋。

So, basically, I started my podcast last year around, and I was super excited.

我想做一个有结构、有目的、具有教育意义的播客。

I wanted to make a podcast that had structure, that was, like, had a purpose, that was educational.

某种程度上我希望它是有用的，因为我觉得自己做的很多事情未必真的有用。

Like, I wanted it to be useful in a sense because I feel like a lot of the stuff I do is not really useful necessarily.

这不像你回家时能学到新知识那样。

It's not like you go home learning a new fact.

我当时就想，我想做点让人感觉人们回家时能学到东西的事情，除非他们本来就在家。

And I was like, I wanna do something where I feel like people are gonna go home and they're going to have learned something, unless they're already at home.

那他们就是在家里并且学到了些东西。

Then they were at home and they learned something.

我希望听众能从这档播客中带走些实实在在的东西。

Like, I wanted somebody to have something tangible to walk away from the podcast with.

所以这就是为什么我把播客围绕科学问题来构建。

So that's why I structured the podcast around a science question.

这样我在学习，他们也在学习。

So I'm learning, they're learning.

这是双赢。

It's a win win.

但随着时间的推移，我开始感觉自己对所讲的内容都提不起兴趣了。

But after time went on, I just felt like I started to feel like I wasn't even interested in the stuff I was talking about.

而我真正想谈论的是我他妈的想法。

And what I really wanted to be talking about was my fucking thoughts.

所以我感到非常缺乏灵感。

And so I felt so uninspired.

我记得开车去录播客时，我会变得非常焦虑，因为我一直在想：我该怎么办？我热爱播客这种形式，但并不是特别喜欢现在做的这个具体内容？

And I remember I'd be driving to record my podcast, and I'd get so anxious because I'd be like, how can I, like I love the format of podcasting, but I don't really, like, love doing this exact thing?

我怎样才能让自己爱上它？

How do I make myself love it?

比如，我能做到吗？

Like, can I?

于是我会去尝试谈论一些我更感兴趣的话题，这样确实让我更喜欢一些，但我仍然没有爱上我的播客。

So I would go in and I'd try and I would try to talk about things that were more interesting to me, and I did like that more, but I still, like, wasn't in love with my podcast.

我甚至对它并不那么自豪，因为我不觉得这是我所热爱的东西。

I wasn't really even that proud of it because I didn't feel like it was something that I was in love with.

这是我所有创作内容时都在挣扎的问题——如何真正热爱自己发布的作品，并为之感到骄傲。

And that's something that I've struggled with with all of the stuff I put out is, like, truly feeling like I love what I'm putting out there, like, really being proud of it.

而《愚蠢天才》做到某个阶段时，我确实没有那种感觉了。

And I did not feel like that with stupid genius at a certain point.

刚开始的时候完全有。

In the beginning, totally.

但临近结束时就没有了。

But towards the end, no.

这开始让我非常沮丧，因为我觉得自己正在失败。

And it started to really upset me because I was feeling like I was failing.

我当时想，我他妈真是个失败者。

I was like, I'm a fucking failure.

我连做个播客都做不到喜欢它。

I can't even do a podcast and like it.

这看起来明明很简单啊。

Like, it seems so simple.

为什么我就不能进去录完，享受这个过程，然后回家闭嘴不再想它？

Why can't I just go in, record it, enjoy the process, and then go home and shut up and not think about it?

但这让我很沮丧，因为我觉得自己没做好，我觉得我搞砸了。

But it was upsetting me because I felt like it wasn't I felt like I failed at it.

长话短说，这个新播客就是我要连续一小时不断重复自己。

Anyway, long story short, this pod this new podcast is just gonna be me repeating myself for an hour straight.

所以我们其实应该把它改名为'艾玛连续一小时重复自己播客'。

So we should actually rename it to Emma repeating herself for an hour straight podcast.

我会把这个发给团队进行进一步审核。

I will be sending this to my team and for further review.

但无论如何，我考虑了所有因素，然后决定暂时停止播客一段时间。

But anyway, I took it all into consideration and I was like, I'm gonna take a break from podcasting.

我休息了一段时间。

I took a break.

我休息了几个月，最终发现自己仍然热爱做播客。

I took a few months off and I ended up deciding I still loved doing podcasts.

而且我也喜欢听播客。

And I love listening to podcasts.

所以我不会放弃。

So I'm not gonna quit.

好吗？

Okay?

我要重新规划方向。

I'm gonna I'm just gonna reroute.

当事情不顺利时，没必要直接放弃。

There's no need to give up when something doesn't work.

关键在于你是否喜欢它，你可以调整思路、重新规划，这并不代表失败。

It's all about if you like it, you just have to it's okay to readjusting and kind of rethinking is not failure.

但我当时真的不愿相信这点。

It's like but I really didn't wanna believe that.

我当时觉得，如果整个播客都要转向，那就是我失败了。

I was like, if I reroute this whole podcast, I failed.

但事实并非如此。

But that is not true.

现在我们走到了这里，我感觉非常好，不觉得自己失败了，反而很兴奋。

And now here we are, and I feel really good, and I don't feel like a failure, and I'm excited.

我很高兴自己没有因为第一轮没有按计划进行就陷入极度消极的情绪中。

And I'm glad that I didn't let my feeling of being super just negative about the fact that the first round didn't go as I planned.

我没有让那种情绪影响到我，以至于完全不想做播客了。

Like, I didn't let that affect me to the point where I just was like, I don't even wanna do a podcast at all.

因为确实有那么一刻我有那种感觉。

Because there was a point there where I felt like that.

但我决定继续前进。

But I decided to keep going.

现在我们走到了这里。

And now here we are.

失败？

Failure?

好吧。

Okay.

所以，很明显，你知道的，在学校考试不及格真的很糟糕。

So, like, obviously, you know, when you fail a test at school, that's shitty.

我是说，这个话题我能说上一整天。

I mean, I could go on about that all day.

就像，如果你在学校考试不及格，我希望现在已不在学校的我能告诉小时候的自己：你大可以这辈子考砸所有该死的考试。

It's like, if you fail a test at school, I wish that now that I'm not in school anymore, I wish that I could tell myself when I was a child that you could fail every fucking test that you take for the rest of your life.

但只要你尽力了，只要你还在尝试，即使...总会有解决办法的。

But as long as you're doing your best and you're, like, and you're just trying, as long as you're trying, even if you there's some there's a solution.

无论如何，总有办法能实现你的终极目标。

There's, like, a way to get to your end goal no matter what.

即使你每场考试都挂科，只要你想，总能找到办法接受大学教育，也总能找到工作。

Like, even if you failed every single test, you could find a way to get a college education if that's what you wanted, and you could find a way to get a job.

你能找到办法做这个，也能找到办法做那个。

And there's you could find a way to do this and you could find a way to do that.

那些日常生活中微不足道的小失败，在更宏大的图景中根本无关紧要。

It's like the little mundane little failures in day to day life never they don't matter in the bigger picture.

但我在上学时，曾经每晚只睡四小时，害怕考试不及格而每晚哭着入睡，主要是这会重创我的自尊心。

But I when I was in school, I used to literally sleep four hours a night and would cry myself to sleep every night so afraid that I was gonna fail one test because mainly it would crush my ego.

我认为失败最关键在于它是对自尊的打击。

And I think that's the biggest thing about failure is that it's an ego crush.

这很愚蠢。

And that's stupid.

我仍在试图理解这一点，因为在过去四年里，我首次经历了有生以来最强烈的失败感。

I'm still trying to figure this out though because something happened well, not recently, but something within the past four years happened to me for the first time that was the biggest feeling of failure I've ever felt.

但奇怪的是，人们并不把这种情况视为失败。

But it's weird because people don't talk about this type of situation as being a failure.

那就是当一段恋情或友谊无疾而终的时候。

And that's when a relationship or a friendship doesn't work out.

比如分手了，或者和某个朋友闹翻了。

Like, let's say you have a breakup or you and a friend don't work out.

就是无法继续下去了。

Like, it just doesn't work out.

你们停止做朋友了。

You're stopping friends.

随便吧。

Whatever.

当这样的关系结束时，我认为那其实是最大的失败感之一。

When a relationship like that comes to an end, I would argue that that's actually one of the biggest feelings of failure.

就像，因为这种事在过去——比方说这四年里——已经在我身上发生过好多次了。

Like, because that's happened to me so many times within the past, let's say, four years here.

最疯狂的是你可能根本没做错什么。

It's crazy how you can do nothing wrong.

我觉得这更像是针对约会关系的。

I think this more actually this more is actually for, like, dating.

比如你正在和某人约会然后分手了。

Like, if you're dating somebody and you break up.

最离奇的是即使你什么都没做错，只是你们俩注定不合适，这依然会让你感觉如此失败，如此挫败自尊——因为你会想，天啊。

Like, it's crazy how even if you did nothing wrong and you and that person just weren't meant to be together, it still feels like such a failure and such a kick in the ass to your ego because you're like, oh my god.

我曾把未来规划都寄托在这段关系上，无论是想让她当伴娘的朋友，还是想共结连理共度一生的伴侣，对吧。

I was planning my future with this person, whether it's your friend who you wanted to be your bridesmaid or your significant other who you wanted to marry, right, and have a family with, whatever.

当这种关系破裂时，你会觉得天都塌了。

And when that fails, you're like, oh my god.

现在我又回到了单身状态。

I now I'm back to being single.

我太失败了。

I failed.

比如，你会觉得和别人关系破裂就是一种失败。

Like, you feel like a relationship with somebody else not working out is a failure.

我讨厌这样——我前几天才意识到这一点，因为你知道，我一直在经历这种事。

I hate I just had this realization the other day because, you know, I go through through this all the time.

我，你知道，我和一些人做朋友，然后又不再来往，就，无所谓了。

I'm, you know, I'm friends with some people that I'm not, then I am, like, whatever.

这就像是，做少女的一部分经历。

It's like, that's part of being a teen girl.

所以很难不觉得我总是为此自责，认为这都是我的错。

And so it's hard not to feel like I've just always beat myself up about it being like, this is my fault.

我是个糟糕的人。

I'm a shitty person.

即使我什么都没做错，即使我是最好的朋友，我还是觉得自己做错了什么。

Even if I did nothing wrong and I was the best friend, like, I did something wrong.

我不是别人想交朋友的那种人，也不是别人想约会的那种人。

I'm not somebody that people wanna be friends with or I'm not somebody that people wanna date.

我就是那种，你知道的，让人相处起来很糟糕的人。

I'm, like, I'm, you know, shitty to be around.

我一定是太缺乏自知之明，所以这些关系才会失败。

You know, I must be so not self aware that that's why these relationships failed.

我把一切都归咎于自己，把关系结束视为一种失败。

And I've blamed it all on myself and thought of the relationship ending as being a failure.

事实并非如此。

That is not the case.

我就在这周才真正意识到这一点。

And I just realized this literally this week.

我一点都没开玩笑。

I'm not even kidding you.

我这周才想明白。

I realized this this week.

除非你犯了严重错误，即便如此，这也不算失败。

It is not unless you did something terribly wrong, even then, it's still not a failure.

因为要么这个人本就不该出现在你生命中（这很可能是事实），

Because what either you weren't supposed to have that person in your life, number one, which is probably the case.

要么第二点，你现在已经明白——如果你承认自己曾亏待对方（我们必须客观看待），那么以你过去的方式对待他人是不对的，你很可能不会再犯，因为你已吸取教训，知道不该那样待人。

Or number two, now you've learned that treating somebody the way you treated them, if you say treated them badly, because we have to hit both sides here, now you're not gonna probably do it again because you learned your lesson and you now know that that's not how you treat a person.

希望你能从现在的挫败感中学习，下次做得更好。

And you're hopefully gonna learn from the feeling that you're feeling now of failure, and you're gonna do better next time.

这根本不算失败。

That's not a failure.

尽管你有这种感觉，但这并非事实。

Although you're feeling it, it's not.

另一方面，如果事情没成，很可能问题出在那个该死的家伙身上，而你本来就不该让他们出现在你的生活中。

And on the other hand, if it didn't work, it it's probably the other fucking person, and you didn't want them in your life anyways.

但在当下，真的很难不去责怪自己。

But in the moment, it's so hard not to blame yourself.

这件事对我的自尊心造成了极其严重的打击——即便我明明知道：

And that's been something that has affected my self esteem so hardcore is even if I am like, you know what?

这个人的存在对我的生活有害无益。

This person's not healthy to have in my life.

我要把他们从我的生活中清除出去。

I'm gonna I'm gonna remove them from my life.

即便这是我的决定，它依然严重伤害了我的自尊——因为当晚我独自坐在家里时就会想：我这辈子还能不能...还能不能和任何人建立健康的关系？

Even if it's been my decision, it still is a huge it's fucked up my self esteem because then I am, like, sitting at home by myself that night, and I'm like, you know, am I ever gonna have it it like, is any am I ever gonna have a healthy relationship with anybody?

这个范围太宽泛了。

Like, that's broad.

好吗？

Okay?

比如，我还能拥有那样的关系吗？

Like, am I ever gonna have that?

你会有的。

You will.

其实，我也不知道。

Actually, I don't know.

我是说，我真的不知道。

I mean, I I don't know.

但我依然相信——对我个人和你们所有人来说都会实现的。

I still am want like, I still I know I will for me personally and for all of you.

不过谈论你们的情况会更容易些。

It's easier to speak about you guys, though.

我知道你们一定会的。

I know you guys will.

至于我，我就不太确定了。

Me, I'm not so sure.

但问题就在于你对自己也是这种感觉。

But that's the problem is that that's how you feel about yourself.

当你旁观别人生活时，事情会简单得多。

It's a lot easier when you're looking in at somebody else's life.

你可以轻松说出那些话。

You can say that.

但当事情发生在自己身上时，就困难多了。

But when it's your own, it's a lot harder.

所以故事的寓意是：我们他妈都该对失败看开点。

So moral of the story is I think we all need to fucking chill about failing.

我们真的、真的需要努力从这些日常小失败中看到积极的一面。

Like, we all need to really, really try to see the positive side of all of these little daily failures.

因为对我来说，它们会不断累积，最后变成压在我背上的重担。

Because I know for me, they add up, and then it's like this weight on my back.

我仍在学习如何不让这些事影响我。

And I'm still trying to learn how to not let that get to me.

但我认为关键在于，当你熬过几个月后，就会明白那次失败其实是件好事——虽然这种说法听起来很蠢。

But I think the key is is that once you wait it out a few months and you see why that failure was a positive thing, which is so dumb.

每个狗屁人生导师可能都说过这种话。

Every fucking life coach has probably said that before.

但之后你就能逐渐看清事情发生的原因，一切就都说得通了。

But then you can kind of see why it happened, and then it all makes sense.

每当遇到糟心事时，我总是告诉自己：再过几个月，我就会明白这事为什么发生在我身上。

Whenever something shitty is happening, I always just tell myself, I'm like, in a few months, I'm going to know why this happened to me.

我会明白这件事为何发生。

I'm gonna see why this happened.

我一定会明白原因，而事实也总是如此。

I'm going to see why, and it always happens.

让我试着想个合适的例子来说明。

Let me try to think of a good example of that.

好的。

Okay.

我有个很好的例子。

I have a great example.

这个例子其实不算是失败，更像是一个不幸的事件最终引向了更好的结果。

This is very this is not really failure as much, but it's more just like an unfortunate event that ended up leading to something that was so much better.

我这周末本来要去纽约的，因为我朋友们都在纽约，而我感觉特别孤独。

So I was supposed to go to New York this weekend because my friends were in New York and I was, like, really fucking lonely.

我当时就想，我要去纽约和朋友聚聚。

And I was like, I wanna go to New York just to, like, hang out with my friends.

对吧？

Okay?

我试着在JetBlue上订机票之类的。

And I was trying to book my flights on JetBlue, whatever.

我花了一个小时想订这些机票，但就是订不成。

And I spent an hour trying to book these flights, and it wasn't working.

我每次尝试都用不同的信用卡，刷新页面，换浏览器。

Every single time I used, like, three different credit cards, I was, like, refreshing the page, using a new browser.

我试了所有办法，但一到确认页面就卡在加载界面，就是不行。

Like, I was doing everything I could, and it would stay at this, like, loading screen once I would press, like, confirm, and it would not work.

就是完全不行。

It would just not work.

我从来没遇到过这种情况。

And I've never had anything like that happen to me before.

我换了两台电脑试都不行。

I tried on two different computers.

完全搞不懂怎么回事。

I could not figure it out.

整个网站都崩溃了。

The whole website was crashed.

我当时就懵了：这他妈什么情况？

I was like, what the fuck?

所以最后我只能待在家里，我当时就想，我肯定会无聊又孤独得要死。

So So I ended up staying home, I was like, I'm gonna be so fucking bored and lonely.

结果后来有人邀请我去参加一个活动，你知道的，我其实挺社恐的。

I ended up being invited to an event that you know, and I'm pretty antisocial.

我平时基本不出门。

I don't really go out.

也很少参加活动。

Don't really go to events.

几乎什么都不做。

Don't really do anything.

但那次我决定去参加这个活动。

But I decided to go to this event.

结果我遇到了很多超级酷的人，这些人我本来根本不会认识，还收获了很多宝贵的经历。

And I ended up meeting a lot of, like, fucking really cool people that I wouldn't have met and, like, very valuable experiences.

真的，我遇到了很多特别酷的人，甚至让我很想和他们做朋友，这对我来说很罕见，因为我平时过着很封闭的生活，有时候我也更喜欢这样。

Like, I had very I met, like, a lot of really cool people that I really would like to be friends with even, which is rare for me because I don't really I tend to live a very isolated life, and sometimes I prefer like that.

但我最终遇到了一些超酷的人。

But I ended up meeting really fucking cool people.

而且当JetBlue系统出问题我订不了机票时，我真的非常沮丧。

And if and I was really upset when JetBlue wasn't working and I couldn't book my flights.

我特别难过。

I was very upset.

我当时想，我现在要无聊死了。

I was like, I'm gonna be bored now.

我所有的朋友都在纽约。

All my friends are in New York.

我对纽约痴迷不已。

I'm obsessed with New York.

现在我要一个人待在家里了。

Now I'm gonna be home alone.

但你看最终发生了什么，我参加了这个活动，让我结识了一些原本根本不会遇到的超棒的人。

But see what ended up happening, I ended up going to this event that ended up, you know, allowing me to meet really cool people that I wouldn't have met otherwise.

这他妈太特别了。

And that's fucking special.

因为看到事情如何一环扣一环，这对我来说就像个隐喻，明白吗？

Because seeing how, like, that led to that, it kinda just proved like, it was like a metaphor for me of, like, okay.

你得学着稍微信任一点。

You gotta kinda just trust a little bit.

你懂我意思吗？

You know what I mean?

比如，当你失败或事情不顺时，你只需要保持信任并等待。

Like, when you fail or when something doesn't work, you just have to trust and wait.

如果你愿意等待并保持耐心，一切终将明朗。

And if you wait and if you're patient, it will make sense.

这个道理适用于大多数事情。

With this, it's just referring to most things.

所以这确实包含了很多内容。

So that was really a lot.

我不知道。

I don't know.

那有点让人沮丧。

That was kind of depressing.

所以现在我要试着想点别的。

So now I'm gonna try to think about something.

不是沮丧的事，而是像，好吧Emma，我们能不能他妈振作点。

Not depressing, but it's like, okay, Emma, can we fucking, like let's clean it up.

找点乐子吧。

Let's have some fun.

我需要找点乐子。

I I need to have some fun.

让我想想我最近在忙什么。

Let me think about what I've been up to.

所以我暂停了两三个月的播客，两三个月。

So I took a break from podcasting for two three months two, three months.

我其实什么都没做。

And I haven't really been doing anything.

这确实是个问题。

And it's kind of an issue.

我会解释的。

And I'll explain.

也许你们甚至可以给我些建议。

And maybe I can even re maybe you guys can even give me advice.

比如，你完全可以在推特上@ag播客。

Like, literally, you can tweet the you can tweet the Twitter at a g podcast.

好吗？

Okay?

记得告诉我一声。

Just let me know.

我有个问题想发泄一下。

I I have this issue I want to vent about.

这与失败同属一类，因为我某种程度上觉得自己因此成为了一个人类的失败品。

This is in the same vein as failure because I kind of feel like I'm a failure of a human being because of this.

我保证不是每期节目都会这么抑郁，但我想为何不一开始就带点情绪化和哥特风呢？

I promise not every episode will be depressing, but I want why not start it out a little bit emo and a little bit goth?

好吗？

Okay?

因为《超级天才》里这种风格不多，所以我们真的要带点情绪化地开场。

Because there was not a lot of that on Super Genius, so we're really gonna start this out a little emo.

不过我们总能从这里开始拓展。

We can always go out from here, though.

内容总会变得更暖心一些，而且会的。

It could always get a little bit more, heartwarming, and it will.

虽然我觉得自己已经说过一些暖心的话了。

Although I think I said some heartwarming stuff.

总之，我有这个问题，我希望你们中有些人能感同身受。

Anyways, so I have this issue, and I I hope that some of you guys can relate.

所以因为我没有上大学...天啊。

So because I didn't go to college very oh my god.

争议话题警告。

Controversial topic alert.

靠。

Fuck.

也许我们会在某一期节目里讨论这个。

Maybe we'll talk about that one episode.

其实，这期节目很适合聊这个话题。

Actually, that's a great topic for this episode.

太好了。

Great.

好的。

Okay.

我们接下来就讨论这个。

We'll talk about that next.

总之，因为我没有上大学，我像是跳过了人生的一个阶段。

Anyways, because I didn't go to college, I, like, skipped a step of life.

对吧？

Right?

我算是直接跳过了学习阶段去工作了。

And I kinda skipped straight to working.

明白吗？

Okay?

理论上讲，这其实挺不错的。

And in theory, that's kind of great.

确实很棒。

It is great.

我很感激这就是命运给我的安排。

I'm very grateful that this is what, you know, the cards were for me.

而且我很享受工作，这很好。

And I enjoy working and that's great.

但我从未体验过那种大学生活——那种社交丰富的日子。

But I never got to have that college experience where you're super social.

你知道的，比如参加姐妹会之类的。

You know, maybe you're in a sorority.

以我的性格根本不适合那种场合，我绝对不会去做的。

I would have never fucking done that just knowing my personality wouldn't have worked.

但是，参加派对、各种大学活动、每天上课——这些环节我都跳过了。

But, you know, going to parties, going to different types of, like, college events, being in class every day, like, I skipped that step.

正因如此，从17岁搬出来到现在，我一直过着与世隔绝的生活。

And because of that, from the time I was 17 and I moved out to now, I've been so isolated.

懂吗？

Okay?

我真的一个人都见不到。

Like, I literally see nobody.

我几乎从不出门。

I do I rarely ever leave my house.

我整天都待在家里。

I'm home all the time.

我在家的时候，基本上什么都不做。

When I'm home, I'm, like, not doing anything.

比如，我就躺在床上。

Like, I'm in bed.

但你知道当我...

But then when I'm, like you know?

不过我大部分时间都在处理些杂七杂八的工作。

But I'm spending most of my day, like, working on stuff that's, like, whatever.

不管是拍视频、录播客，还是进行拍摄，总之当天要做什么我就做什么。

Whether that's making videos, podcasts, you know, doing a shoot, like, whatever that may mean that day, that's what I'm doing during the day.

等到回家的时候，我已经精疲力尽了。

And then by the time that I get home, I'm tired.

我通常会在白天某个时候锻炼，不然就需要释放些内啡肽。

And then I exercise usually at some point during the day or else I get, like, I need to release some endorphins.

这就像是我唯一的...就像...就像我的毒品一样。

It's like my only it's like it's like my drug.

就像我的健康毒品。

It's like my healthy drug.

对吧？

Right?

那很棒。

That's great.

但等我回到家时，我真的不想见任何人，因为我已经精疲力尽，整天和人说话让我心力交瘁。

But then by the time I get home, I don't really wanna see anyone because I'm so tired and, like, drained from talking to people all day.

然后我也...然后我也不想做饭。

And then I, like and then I don't wanna cook.

所以我就变得不高效，因为我不想做饭。

So then I'm not being productive because I don't wanna cook.

然后，就像...我什么都不想做，比如兴趣爱好之类的，因为我精神上太疲惫了，只想躺在床上刷抖音。

And then, like, I don't wanna do anything, like, hobby wise because I'm so, like, mentally exhausted that all I wanna do is, like, lay in bed and watch TikToks.

所以我感觉自己没有任何爱好，这反过来让我这个人显得有点无趣。

So I feel like I don't have any hobbies, which then in turn makes me a little bit less interesting of a human being.

比如，我觉得和别人聊天时没什么可聊的，因为我什么都不做。

Like, I feel like I don't have as much to talk about during a conversation with somebody because I don't do anything.

这说得通吗？

Does that make sense?

而且这真的让我很困扰，虽然我确实做了很多事。

And I it, like, really bothers me, but I do do a lot of stuff.

我很累，但我没做什么能算得上是爱好的事。

And I'm tired, but I don't do anything that's like a hobby.

所以，就像，我没有任何爱好。

And so, like, like, I don't have any hobbies.

我不会，比如说，我不会滑滑板。

I don't, like, do any like, I don't, like, know how to skateboard.

我不会画画。

I don't know how to draw.

我是说，我有时候会买东西。

I mean, I I, like, I buy things sometimes.

比如，我买过一块滑板玩了一阵子，后来觉得无聊了，因为怕受伤。

Like, I bought a skateboard once and was skateboarding on for a little bit, and then I got, like, bored of that because I thought I was gonna hurt myself.

所以无所谓了。

So whatever.

天啊，各位。

Oh my god, guys.

是我的猫在叫。

It's my cat calling.

把这段留着。

Leave that in.

我觉得自己没精力培养什么爱好，但缺乏爱好可能让我比平时更沮丧一些。

Like, I I don't I don't have the energy to kind of get any hobbies, but I think my lack of hobbies makes me a little bit maybe a little bit more sad than I would be otherwise.

所以我现在就想搞明白：这他妈怎么回事？

So what I'm trying to figure out is, what the fuck?

感觉我好像被逼到了墙角。

Like, how do you I feel like I'm cornered.

因为我想在生活中做更多有意义的事，但一天下来我太累了，根本没精力去做这些。

Because I'm like, I wanna, like, do more things with my life that are fulfilling, yet I'm so exhausted by the end of my day that I don't have any I don't have the capacity to do those things.

所以我要试着找到这种平衡。

So I'm gonna try to figure out that balance.

如果我找到了方法会告诉你们的。

I'll let you know if I figure it out.

我猜你们很多人也有同样的问题。

I bet a lot of you guys have that problem as well.

我最近试着做点饭，但这算不上爱好。

I have been trying to cook a little bit, but, I mean, that's not a hobby.

我做饭的时候，那根本不算爱好。

When I'm cooking, it's not a hobby.

我做饭就是把玉米饼加热，然后放上豆子、奶酪、素奶酪、莎莎酱和蔬菜，然后吃掉。

When I'm cooking, it's like I'm warming up a tortilla, and then I'm putting beans and cheese and vegan cheese and salsa and vegetables in it and then I'm eating it.

虽然很美味，但这算不上真正的烹饪，因为我什么都没做。

And it's delicious, but it's not really cooking because I didn't do anything.

我只是把现成的东西拼凑在一起。

I just slapped preexisting things together.

前几天我还给自己做了纯素通心粉和奶酪。

I did also make myself vegan mac and cheese the other day.

我把一整锅都吃光了，味道太棒了。

I ate the entire pot of it and it was so good.

但我感觉我的胃到现在还在疼。

But I actually think my stomach is still hurting.

而且我明明是四天前吃的。

And I literally ate it like four days ago.

这还是纯素的。

And it was vegan.

连乳制品都不是。

Like, it's not even dairy.