我是个伪君子

我几乎从不毫无准备地坐下来录制播客。几乎从不。这是因为我容易思维跳跃。对我来说，即兴发挥并保持简洁明了相当困难，尤其是我没有对话对象。对吧？

I almost never sit down to record a podcast without an outline. Almost ever. And that's because I have the tendency to sort of bounce around. It's kinda hard for me to just sit down and talk off the dome and have it feel concise and make perfect sense, especially because I don't talk to anyone else. Right?

我就像在对墙说话。虽然是在对你说，但你并不在场。所以这有点...有点诡异。我就像在对着墙壁自言自语。但今天，我想毫无保留地畅所欲言。

I'm just talking to the wall. I am talking to you, but you're not here. So, you know, it's a bit it's a bit bizarre. I'm sort of talking to the wall. But today, I wanted to sit down and talk unfiltered.

老实说，我有点紧张，因为这超出了我的舒适区。但多年来我心里一直压着件沉重的事，不确定讨论这个是否显得不合时宜——这段肯定会被剪出来做成TikTok视频。'过气网红开始说话前的开场白'。

And to be honest, I'm a little bit nervous because this is kinda out of my comfort zone. But I've had something heavy on my mind for probably years now, and I don't know if it's sort of out of touch for me to discuss. That's gonna get clipped. That's gonna get clipped and put on TikTok. Out of touch influencer says before she starts talking.

不知道这话听起来会不会很脱节。你们想怎么调侃都行。我不确定这个话题是脱离现实还是过于行业化，但我还是想试试。最坏的情况无非把这期节目扔进电脑里的回收站。懂吧？

I wonder if this is gonna sound out of touch. Have a field day with that if you want. I'm not sure if this topic is out of touch or it's, like, too industry centric, but I'm gonna give it a try anyway. And worst case scenario, I throw this episode away into the virtual garbage bin that is on my desktop computer. You know?

最坏不过如此。过去几年里，这个职业中让我始料未及的困境就是——我觉得自己是个伪君子。明白吗？因为这些年我逐渐意识到互联网的毒性。社交媒体简直剧毒无比。

That's the worst case scenario. The dilemma that I've had on my mind for the last few years in this career that has honestly made this career challenging for me in ways that I never could have anticipated is that I feel like I'm a hypocrite. Okay? I feel like I'm a hypocrite because over the years, I've come to realize how toxic the Internet is. Social media is incredibly toxic.

不仅对我这种会收到恶评的公众人物，对每个用户都是如此。尽管从技术上讲我是内容创作者，但作为网民，我更多时候还是以消费者身份存在。虽然这些年因为网络对大脑的伤害已经大幅减少使用，但我依然在消费网络内容。对吧？

Not just for me as a public figure who gets hate comments, but also for everyone consuming it. Because even though, you know, I am technically someone who creates content for the Internet first, identity wise, like, I feel like that's as as a person on the Internet, I feel like that is the dominant sort of Internet presence that I have. I also am a consumer of the Internet. Even though I've cut back significantly over the years due to how damaging it's been to my brain, I'm still a consumer of Internet content. Right?

作为公众人物和用户的双重身份，互联网给我带来过巨大心理痛苦，这些我都公开分享过。我不断在播客、YouTube等平台呼吁听众：必要时放下该死的手机，停止末日刷屏，屏蔽那些让你难受的人。实在不行就断网，甚至没事也该断网。

And as both a public figure and a consumer, I have experienced immense psychological pain as a result of the Internet, and I've shared that with everyone. I've talked about that time and time again. I'm constantly encouraging those of you who listen to my words on this podcast or on YouTube or wherever to put the fucking phone down if you need to, to stop doom scrolling, to take a break, to mute people who make you feel like shit. Like, get off the Internet if you have to. Get off the Internet even if you don't have to.

互联网对大脑有害。显然不止我一个人这么说。有心理学家在讨论这个问题。你可以在搜索栏输入‘社交媒体对心理健康的负面影响’，找到数不清的播客和文章。这已是公认的事实。

The Internet is bad for the brain. And I'm not the only one saying this, obviously. There are psychologists talking about this. You can look up social media negatively impacting mental health into your search bar and find 1,000,000,000,000 podcast episodes and one bazillion articles about it. This is a known fact at this point.

但这就是我虚伪的地方。我的工作就是在网上发布内容。这就是我的工作。但我与互联网的关系很复杂，我很难相信互联网有时能对人产生积极影响。可我的工作就是喂养这头野兽。

But here's where my hypocrisy comes in. It is my job to post content on the Internet. That is my job. But I have a challenging relationship with the Internet, and I struggle to believe that the Internet can have a positive impact on people at times. But yet it's my job to feed the beast.

我的工作就是在网上发布内容供人消费，从而占用他们本可以和朋友外出、在花园种植迷迭香的时间。我在剥夺人们的时间——这些时间本可以用来做些我内心深处认为比看我的内容、听我的播客、看我的YouTube视频、浏览我的Instagram帖子更有益的事。这让我非常挣扎。这种虚伪感给我的职业生涯带来了许多意想不到的挑战。要知道，要在网上发内容，你必须有一定程度的自信，对吧？

It's my job to post content on the Internet for people to consume, thereby taking their time out of their day that they could be outside hanging out with their friends, planting rosemary in their garden. I'm taking time away from people that they could be using to do something that I know in my soul is better for them than watching my content, listening to my podcast, watching my YouTube videos, looking at my Instagram posts, and I really struggle with that. And I think this feeling of hypocrisy has led me to a lot of unforeseen challenges in this career that I I wouldn't have expected. You know, in order to post on the Internet, you have to have a level of confidence. Right?

因为你不仅要拍摄自己、录制自己，事后还得回看这些内容，这有点不自然，需要一定自信才能从容做到。此外，在网上发布内容也需要自信，因为你会得到各种回应——好的、坏的、丑陋的。要应对这些而不被吓跑，你必须足够自信。有趣的是，由于这种作为网络内容创作者的虚伪感，我的自尊心受到了不小打击。我看着镜中的自己，感到一种内疚，觉得自己在做错事。

Because not only are you filming yourself, recording yourself, and having to watch that back after you do it, it's a bit unnatural, and it requires a level of confidence to do that comfortably. But, also, it requires a level of confidence to post on the Internet because you get a lot of mixed responses, some good, some bad, some ugly. And in order to handle that and not get scared and run away, you have to have a level of confidence. An interesting thing that's happened is due to this feeling of hypocrisy about being a content creator on the Internet, my self esteem has taken a hit in a pretty significant way where I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel this sense of guilt. I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

我觉得自己在助长一个我并不确信能让世界变得更好的行业。有时我会想，如果没有社交媒体，没有互联网会怎样。这是否会是种遗憾？是的，我认为会是遗憾，因为互联网确实以一种独特而重要的方式创造了社区和支持。

I feel like I'm adding to an industry that I'm not always confident is enhancing the world. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if there were no social media, if there was no Internet. And do I think it would be a shame in some ways? Yes. I think it would be a shame because I think the Internet does create community and support in a very important special way.

我想在互联网出现之前，如果你生活中遇到特殊困境，你无法通过YouTube视频找到谈论这个话题的人并从中获得安慰。那时人们会感到孤独。我生活中就有很多这样的时刻：网上有人讲述的故事让我感到不再孤单。如果失去这种联结将是巨大损失。同时我认为现在比以往任何时候都更容易发现艺术，无论是时装设计师、画家、音乐人还是其他领域。

I think prior to the Internet, you know, if you had a niche challenge in your life, you couldn't, like, I don't know, find somebody on the Internet who's talking about that thing in a YouTube video and find comfort in that. You know? You felt alone. I I mean, there have been many instances in my life where someone telling a story on the Internet has made me feel less alone, and I think that would be a huge loss. I also think too that it's easier now than ever to find and discover art, you know, whether it's fashion designers or or painters or musicians or whatever.

因为社交媒体，我们能发现并接触更多艺术，因为它们触手可及，都集中在一个平台上。而在互联网之前，可能存在着某种‘守门人’——无论是音乐厂牌还是艺术画廊。现在你可以随时通过互联网发现任何东西，只要知道该搜索什么。甚至算法也会推荐它认为你会喜欢的内容。

Because of social media, I think we're able to discover and expose ourselves to more of that because it's all at our fingertips, and it's all in one platform in a way. Whereas perhaps before the Internet, maybe there was sort of a I don't know what the word would be, like a gatekeeper, whether it was music labels or art galleries or whatever. Now you can discover anything at any given moment through the Internet and through knowing what to look up. You know? Or just the algorithm even giving you things that they think you'll like.

我数不清自己通过互联网发现了多少好歌，无论是以前整天刷TikTok时看到的，别人在TikTok里用的背景音乐，还是Spotify算法推荐给我的。虽然我不太把Spotify当作社交媒体——倒不是说它不好，它可能是最安全的平台了。所以我很清楚社交媒体的价值。

I can't tell you how many amazing songs I've discovered through the Internet, whether it was through a TikTok back in the day when I was scrolling on TikTok all the time, someone using a song in a TikTok, or, you know, my Spotify algorithm giving me a song. Although, I don't really look at Spotify as, like, a social media. That's not really, like, a negative platform, I wouldn't say. It's, like, the safest platform probably. So, I mean, I'm aware of the value of social media.

对吧？它能建立社群、讲述故事，还能提供娱乐。我差点忘了说，娱乐本身是令人愉悦的，无脑的娱乐也很享受。

Right? Community, storytelling, also entertainment. I didn't even mention that, but, like, entertainment is enjoyable. Right? Mindless entertainment is enjoyable.

有时候它能让人开怀大笑，在压力大时带来慰藉。明白吗？社交媒体确实有很多价值。但有时候，它造成的伤害似乎比好处更多。

And I think at times, it can cause a laugh. It can it can be comforting in times of stress. You know? There is a lot of value to social media. However however, at times, it feels like it's causing more harm than good.

我觉得甚至不需要解释原因。我们都有过这种体验：要么是内容过载让大脑陷入混乱，导致一种奇怪的持续焦虑感；要么是社交媒体让你过度接触有害信息，无论是八卦、灾难、悲剧，还是那些让你产生嫉妒或不安全感的人。长期接触这些东西会打击自尊心，引发焦虑，甚至让人感到绝望。但最重要的是，它简直是个时间黑洞，你却收获甚微。

And I don't even think I need to explain why. I think we've all experienced it before, whether it's the overstimulation of consuming so much content that it sort of sends your brain into a state of chaos, which leads to, like, a weird resting feeling of anxiety, or if social media is overexposing you to information that's toxic for your brain, whether it's drama, catastrophe, tragic stuff, or even just people that make you feel jealous or insecure. Being exposed to that type of stuff constantly can impact your self esteem, can make you feel anxious, can make you feel kinda hopeless. We've all experienced that. But I think more than anything, it's kind of a time suck, and you're not really getting much out of it.

互联网经常浪费时间。这点我体会特别深，因为我是个对时间使用近乎病态执着的人。我天生控制欲强，特别注重效率和生产力，总想明智利用时间。首要原因是我喜欢掌控感——就像我说的，我是个控制狂。

The Internet a lot of times is a waste of time. I think this is particularly evident to me because I'm somebody who's very, arguably, like, toxically obsessive and obsessed with how I use my time. I'm a control freak by nature and very focused on efficiency and productivity and, you know, just using my time wisely. I think, number one, because I like feeling in control. As I mentioned, I'm a control freak.

当我能掌控时间分配时，就会感到平静，因为任何事情的掌控感都能带给我安宁。但另一方面，也确实因为我有太多想做的事——很多都是自我加压的。

And when I feel in control of how I'm using my time, it gives me a sense of calmness because anytime I feel like I have control over something, it gives me a sense of calmness. But, also, I think because I have a lot of shit I wanna do. You know? I have a lot of shit to do. And a lot of it is self inflicted.

其实这些事不是非做不可，但我想做。有太多目标要完成，所以对时间花费特别计较。因此我格外清楚，消费社交媒体内容可能是种时间浪费。

Like, I don't have to do it. You know? But I wanna do it. And I wanna there's so many things I wanna get done that I'm just very particular about how I spend my time. And so I'm particularly aware of how consuming social media content can be a waste of time.

我是否总认为这是在浪费时间？不，我不这么认为。比如一天结束时，我就喜欢躺在床上看YouTube视频，真的。

Now do I always think it's a waste of time? No. I don't. Like, at the end of the day, for example, I love laying down in bed and watching a YouTube video. I really do.

我会觉得那是在浪费时间吗？不，我是在放松。反正我都要躺床上，这不是浪费时间。

And do I feel like that's a waste of my time? No. I'm unwinding. I'm gonna be laying in bed anyway. It's not a waste of time.

我在看些引人入胜或让我发笑的内容，有时也会看些对大脑有害的东西，比如戏剧类视频。但即便如此，这就是我放松的方式。

I'm I'm, you know, I'm watching something that's riveting or making me laugh or whatever. Sometimes I'm watching something that's toxic for me in my brain. You know? Sometimes I'm watching a drama video. But even then, it's like, I that's how I unwind.

我看YouTube。从我还是个七岁小孩时就开始用这种方式放松了。这自我童年起就是我生活和日常的一部分。YouTube和社交媒体某种程度上就是我的电视和电影，因为我小时候并不常看电影电视剧。

I watch YouTube. I've been unwinding through watching YouTube since I was literally a child, like seven years old. This has been a part of my life and my routine since I was a child. This is my YouTube and social media in a way is sort of like my television, my movies, because I didn't grow up watching movies as much. I didn't grow up watching TV shows as much.

我确实看过电视和电影，但最爱的娱乐方式始终是网络内容，比如YouTube和Instagram。所以当我在一天结束时沉浸其中，会觉得是浪费时间吗？不，这不是。

I I did watch TV, and I did watch movies. But my favorite form of entertainment has always been Internet content, you know, YouTube and and even Instagram and whatever. And so do I think it's a waste of time when I indulge in that experience at the end of the day? No. It's not a waste of time.

但如果我每晚强迫自己读书或看发人深省的电影，而不是沉迷这些，或许会成为更健康快乐的人？但说着说着我又觉得这想法有点故作高雅。

But would I probably be a healthier, happier person if I didn't let myself indulge in those things and instead every single night, I force myself to read a book? You know? Or I even force myself to watch a thought provoking film? Maybe. But then as I'm saying that, I'm wondering if that's just kinda pretentious.

这种想法是不是有点装？它们真有区别吗？我在YouTube看的很多内容制作精良，某种程度上也是艺术，甚至具有教育意义。

Like, is that just kinda pretentious? Like, are they any different? A lot of the content I watch on YouTube is really well done. You know? It's art in a way, or it can even be educational.

其实很多时候，虽然我通过社交媒体获取娱乐内容，但这些内容确实制作精良。它们很有艺术性，懂吗？而且在某种程度上能激发灵感，或者很有趣、发人深省。

There's a decent portion of the time that my entertainment consumption, though through social media, it's actually really well done. It's artfully done. You know? And it's inspiring in a way. Or it's, like, funny or it's thought provoking.

比如，我确实通过互联网内容获得过这些体验。但网上有更多垃圾信息，更多让人上瘾的无用视频。你明白我的意思吗？不过话说回来，你也可以说有些电影电视剧同样是垃圾。区别在哪里呢？

Like, I have those experiences through Internet content. But there is a lot more junk on the Internet, a lot more addicting junk, videos that serve no purpose. You know what I'm saying? But then I guess you could also argue that some movies and some TV shows are junk. What's the difference?

也许根本没有区别。但言归正传——这就是为什么我总要写提纲。因为现在我他妈完全跑题了。我到底在讲什么？我自己都搞不清方向了。

Maybe there isn't one. But getting back on track see, this is why I always write an outline. Because now I'm fucking all over the place. Where even am I right now? I don't even know where I am.

你还能跟上我的思路吗？说真的，跟不上我也不怪你，因为我一直在东拉西扯。对我来说即兴讲话非常困难，但今天我们确实在尝试。老实说，这很讽刺——作为每周制作两期播客的人，我居然不常做这种练习。按理说这应该轻而易举才对。

Are you even following me? Like, I I don't blame you if you're not because I I keep losing my train of thought. It's very hard for me to just talk off the cuff, but we're really trying it today. And, honestly, it's shocking that I don't do this more often because I'm a podcaster who makes two podcast episodes a week. Like, I should be able to do this with ease.

目前还算顺利，但事后回听时我可能会觉得：'轻松是因为你只是语无伦次地喷了三四十分钟废话'。不过谁知道这期能不能录那么长呢。回到正题。

And it's been easy so far, but, like, listening to it after the fact, I might be like, yeah. It was easy because you just kinda word vomited for, like, thirty minutes to forty five minutes. You know? Anyhoo, if this episode even gets that long. Back on track.

言归正传。社交媒体和网络内容的另一个众所周知的特点就是极易上瘾。这种成瘾性让我深感不安。我认为正是这点让它成为危险的时间黑洞——算法太聪明了，它巴不得让你整天刷内容。等你反应过来时，五小时过去了却一事无成。

Back on track. Another thing about social media and Internet content is that it's very addicting, as we all know. And the addiction element is another thing that is really disturbing to me. And I think that's what leads it to being such a dangerous way of spending time because you can so easily get sucked into Internet content because the algorithm is genius and wants you to watch content all day long. And next thing you know, it's been five hours, and you haven't really accomplished anything.

我觉得适度消费网络内容——就像对待所有过度消费有害的事物一样——完全没问题。但问题在于很难保持健康平衡，适度消费网络内容实在太难了。而且我确信我们大多数人都控制不好这个度。你说是吧？

Like, I think Internet content consumption in moderation, as with all things that can be unhealthy if overconsumed, is totally fine. But I think the problem is it's very hard to have a healthy balance. It's very hard to consume Internet content in moderation. And I know for a fact that most of us don't have a good handle on that. You know?

我们大多数人。就我而言，出于必要，我不得不在生活中建立非常严格的界限，但即便如此，有时我也难以承受网络内容的冲击。你知道吗？我就是那种必须刻意不刷手机的人，否则绝对会精神崩溃——毕竟我本来就是个容易焦虑的人。我的大脑已经转得够快了。

Most of us. I would say I, through necessity, have had to create really strong boundaries in my life, and even I sometimes struggle to consume Internet content moderation. You know? I'm somebody who, like, literally has to not scroll on the Internet because I fully will have a mental breakdown because it just I'm already an anxious person. My brain is already kinda moving too quickly.

如果我在网上冲浪太久，我的大脑真的会开始翻筋斗，然后我就会精神崩溃。而且上网时间过长的话，我总会不小心看到关于自己的负面评价，这同样会导致崩溃。所以出于必要，我不得不给自己设限，但连我自己都很难遵守这些限制。对我来说情况可能更复杂，因为这涉及双重身份。明白吗？

And if I'm consuming too much Internet, it literally it, like my brain starts doing somersaults, and I have a mental breakdown. Also, if I'm on the Internet too much, I end up stumbling upon things about me that are potentially negative, and that also can cause a mental breakdown. So I, out of necessity, have had to create limits, and even I struggle to maintain those limits. And for me, it it it's potentially even more intense in some ways because there's there's two dimensions to it. You know?

我既是网络内容的消费者，又是创作者——就像所有内容创作者一样遭受着非议。绕了这么大圈子，其实我想说的是，我总觉得网络内容弊大于利。这让我觉得自己很虚伪，因为这就是我的工作。对吧？这让我感觉很恶心。

I'm a consumer and a creator on the Internet who's getting hated on, you know, as everybody who creates Internet content is. All of this is a long winded way of saying that I often feel like Internet content does more harm than good, And that makes me feel like a hypocrite because this is my job. Right? And it makes me feel icky. You know?

我看着镜子里的自己，感觉肮脏不堪。我觉得自己像个坏人。但说这些并不是要证明我是对的。因为仔细想想，我内心有一部分认为我错了——在网络上发帖并不代表我是坏人，我并没有在助长什么恶兽。毕竟那只恶兽本来就存在。

I look at myself in the mirror, and I feel dirty. I feel like it makes me feel like a bad person. And by saying all this, I'm not saying that I'm right in it. Because when I actually think about it, part of me thinks I'm wrong, that I'm not a bad person for posting on the Internet, that I'm not really feeding the beast. Like, the beast is fed.

你明白我的意思吗？网络不会消失，人们要自己决定如何分配上网时间，这其实不是我的责任。虽然我在网上发帖确实是在给恶兽投食，但就算我不创作内容，人们照样会消费网络内容。更何况——这点我还没提过——我确实很享受创作网络内容。

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, the Internet's not going anywhere, and it's up to people to decide what to do with their time on or off the Internet, and that's not really my responsibility. And my posting on the Internet, yes, it is adding content to the beast. But, also, whether I create content or not, people are still gonna be on the Internet consuming content. And so because I enjoy create creating Internet content, which I haven't discussed yet, I do enjoy creating content for the Internet.

我乐在其中。知道吗？我热爱讲故事，喜欢讨论问题，热衷于制作各种视觉娱乐内容。

I enjoy doing it. You know? I I love telling stories. I love discussing things. I love making all types of visual entertainment.

我热爱时尚，也喜欢分享时尚。我是真心喜欢制作网络内容。但就像这期节目里说的，我一直被其中的虚伪感所困扰，所以感觉有点别扭。让我感到安慰的是：反正人们总会看网络内容的。

I love fashion, and I love sharing the fashion. Like, I love making Internet content. But as I've been saying this whole episode, I've struggled with the hypocrisy of it, and that's why it's been a bit weird. I find comfort in in feeling like, you know what? People are gonna be watching Internet content anyway.

我喜欢创作网络内容，所以我想我应该专注于发布那些能给人带来积极影响的内容。我就靠这个支撑着，你知道吗？说实话，不断提醒自己这一点能帮助我继续前进，也能缓解那种自我厌恶感。因为确实存在一种诱惑，想制作那些最终有点毒性的网络内容，毕竟这类内容在网络上最受欢迎。

I enjoy making Internet content, so I guess what I should focus on is just putting out content that will have a net positive effect on someone's day. And I skate by on that. You know? Like, reminding myself of that helps me continue, you know, and helps with those feelings of sort of self disgust, to be honest. Because there is sort of this temptation to create Internet content that is ultimately a little bit toxic because that's actually what does the best on the Internet.

戏剧性事件、贬低他人、色情内容，这些都是网络上最能吸引流量的东西，对吧？但我对参与任何这类事情毫无兴趣，我不想卷入任何纷争。

Drama, taking people down, you know, sexual things. These are the types of things that rake in the most numbers on the Internet. Right? But I have no interest in participating in any of those types of things. I don't want to be involved in drama.

我不想背后议论别人，也不想谈论八卦——尽管在私人生活中我确实喜欢一点八卦，但我不会在网上这么做，因为我认为这对观众的大脑没有积极影响。我真的竭尽全力去讨论和分享那些希望能娱乐大众、同时又能以某种方式激励人心的内容。激励人心并不总是要以那种明显的TED演讲式的方式呈现，尽管有时我确实会那样做——我能滔滔不绝地讲些类似TED演讲的内容，但那仅限于当它自然流露的时候。

I don't want to talk shit about people. I don't wanna talk about gossip even though I I do love a little bit of gossip in my personal life, but I'm not gonna be doing that on the Internet because I don't think that that has a net positive effect on the consumer's brain. I, like I I really try my hardest to talk about things and share things that are gonna be entertaining hopefully to some, but also inspiring in one way or another. And inspiring doesn't always need to be in some sort of obvious TED talk y sort of way, even though sometimes I guess I do that. Like, I can really go go on a tangent that's, like, sort of TED talk like, but that's only when it feels organic to me.

我的意思是，激励人心的内容可能远比我们想象的更不明显。比如，我可能看到一个搞笑视频，像喜剧小品，它不一定有明显的励志情节，对吧？这个小品可能没有那种鼓舞人心的故事线。

I mean, inspiring content can be far less obviously inspiring than we think. Like, I might see a a video of someone being funny, like a comedy video, like a skit. And that's not necessarily obviously inspiring. Right? Like, maybe the the skit didn't have, like, an inspiring storyline.

不像那种——这个人路边发现一只猫然后救了它，接着决定毕生致力于拯救流浪猫帮它们找家。这种显然是励志故事。但我可能会看一个制作精良的搞笑喜剧视频，从中获得创作灵感，它可能会启发我的幽默感。

It's not like, well, this person found a cat on the side of the road, and then they saved it. And then they decided to make their life's mission to save all the cats that are strays and help them find homes. Like, that's, like, an obviously inspiring story. But I might watch, like, a funny comedy video that's really well done and get inspired by that creatively. It might, like, inspire my humor.

它可能激发我创作某个项目，也可能只是视频里某人穿的衣服随机给了我灵感。我觉得，任何对我们有积极影响的事物都能带来启发。有时嫉妒也能产生灵感，但我不太喜欢那种灵感，我不太渴望那种感觉。

It might inspire some sort of project I make. It might maybe randomly an outfit that someone's wearing in the video inspires me. Like, we can get inspired by anything that has a net positive effect on us, I think. We can also get inspired sometimes through, like, jealousy too, but I don't really like that type of inspiration as much. I don't yearn for that as much.

你知道吗？那样没意思。我努力创作能在积极方面激励人心的内容，即使数据表现不佳，即使有些人觉得无聊——因为戏剧性事件、那些激烈刺激的故事，像冲击性内容往往最受欢迎——我也坚持让我的内容对人们的生活产生积极影响。

You know? That's not as fun. I try to create content that's gonna be inspiring in some sort of positive way. And I make it I make an effort to have my content be a net positive in people's lives even if it doesn't perform as well numbers wise, even if, you know, some people find it boring because drama and and, you know, like, drama and stories that are, like, intense and graphic. Like, shock value is what tends to do the best.

如今，愤怒诱饵往往最能吸引眼球。但我不在乎，也不想参与其中，即便从数据角度看这确实最有效。是的，这根本就不是我的路。

Rage bait is what tends to do the best these days. I don't care. I don't wanna be a part of that, so I'm not gonna participate in it even if that's what technically, from a numbers perspective, tends to do the best. Yeah. It's just, like, not my journey.

真正推动我前进的，是坚持创作那些希望能对观众产生积极影响的内容，同时提醒自己互联网本就存在。懂吗？它就在那里，人们总会消费内容，我发不发其实无所谓。

And so that's what keeps me going is is maintaining the goal of constantly creating content that hopefully has a net positive effect on the people who view it, and also reminding myself that the Internet exists anyway. You know? It exists anyway. People are gonna consume content anyway. Whether or not I'm posting doesn't matter.

这改变不了什么。所以如果我喜欢做，那就不妨继续。但某种程度上，表达这种矛盾心理对我反而是种疗愈——几乎是在对收听播客的你说：嘿，如果这对你的生活没有积极影响，就别浪费时间听我说话了。

It doesn't make a difference. So if I enjoy doing it, I might as well do it. You know? But in a way, I feel like expressing this hypocrisy is sort of healing for me in a way, almost saying to you, like, the listener of this podcast, hey. Don't waste your time listening to me, looking at me if it's not impacting your life in a positive way.

我认为社交媒体和网络内容可能总体是负面的。即便我在讲励志故事让你感动，但说不定你出门和真人交谈会获得更多力量。能大声说出这些话让我如释重负，虽然这道理不言而喻，但好了，我已经表明立场了。

I think social media and Internet content might just be a net negative. Even if I'm telling an inspiring story, even if I'm making you feel inspired, there's an argument that you might get even more inspired if you went outside and you talked to somebody in real life instead of listening to me talk. You know? There's something weirdly like, there's, like it's just a relief to say it out loud to you because even though it should go without saying, it's like, okay. I've said my piece.

现在大家都知道我的立场了，这让我感觉没那么虚伪。我就像来忏悔这种长期困扰我的感受——我是个很难不分享感受的人，尤其在生活中。只要有事困扰我，就必须提出来解决。这个问题困扰我很久了，希望说出来能化解它。

We all know where I stand, and that makes me feel like less of a hypocrite. It's almost like I'm coming on here to confess this feeling that I've been feeling, and I'm somebody who has a really hard time not sharing what I'm feeling, more so in my personal life than on the Internet, but definitely in my personal life. The second something starts bugging me, I need to bring it up. I need to resolve it. And this has been bugging me for a long time, and I hope that by talking about it, maybe it'll sort of resolve the issue.

但当我反思刚说的这一切，突然意识到自己看待互联网的视角有多悲观。不过，这确实是个问题。我对整件事非常矛盾，这确实是个棘手的问题，对吧？

But as I'm reflecting on everything I just said, I'm I'm I'm realizing how pessimistic of a lens I'm looking at the Internet through. But, also, I think it is I think it is a problem, though. I see, I'm very conflicted on the whole thing. It's definitely a tricky one. You know?

确实棘手。但话说回来，几乎所有事情都这样。你懂我意思吗？凡事都有好坏两面。我也说不清。

It's a tricky one. But then again, like, kinda everything is. Do you know what I mean? Everything is good and bad. I don't know.

我不知道。我真的不知道。但很多时候，我总觉得自己像个伪君子。你懂吗？而且我并不一定有什么答案、解决方案或结论。

I don't know. I don't know. But a lot of the times, I kinda feel like a hypocrite. You know? And I don't necessarily have an answer or a solution or a conclusion.

我录制这期节目时甚至根本没想寻找答案。更多只是想聊聊这件事，没有结尾段落那种。你明白我的意思吗？就像...我我真的没有结论。或许其中部分源于我作为网络公众人物所经历的心理创伤。

I didn't go into recording this episode even really searching for that. I more just wanted to talk about it with sort of no with no closing paragraph. You know what I mean? Like, I I I don't really have a conclusion. Perhaps some of this is rooted in some of the psychological trauma I've experienced as a result of being a public figure on the Internet.

我不是在卖惨。我不是受害者。我只是在发泄。或者说甚至不是发泄。我只是...我现在就是在和你实时坦诚地探讨这件事。

I'm not saying woe is me. I'm not the victim. I'm just venting. I'm or not even venting. I'm just I'm I'm honestly talking through it with you actively right now.

由于活跃在网络上，我确实经历了一些重大挑战，无论是被网暴——主要是这个。就是被那么多人审视着，时刻承受着海量关于你的评价，某种程度上像是一直处于被监视状态。在公共场合，你永远不知道是否有人在偷拍你。无法信任他人，因为人们可能别有用心。网络生涯带来了诸多挑战，但我一秒钟都不会后悔。

I have definitely experienced some significant challenges as a result of being on the Internet, whether it's being hated on, I mean, mainly that. It's just like being perceived by that many people, having such a volume of opinions about you at all times, constantly sort of being surveillanced in a way, like, in public. You know, you never know if somebody's taking a photo of you or a video of you. Not being able to trust people because there can be sometimes sort of ulterior motives. You know, there's been a lot of challenges that have has come with me having a career on the Internet, and I wouldn't take it back for a second.

我一秒钟都不会后悔。完全没有遗憾。但不幸的是，这些挑战给我带来了很多心理问题，比如加重的焦虑症，时而恶化的抑郁症（虽然较少），偶尔的偏执，强迫症，还有轻微的创伤后应激障碍。实际上问题远不止这些。我几乎羞于承认，因为就像在说：艾玛，能在网上工作多幸运啊？

I wouldn't take it back for a second. I have no regrets at all. However, unfortunately, those challenges have caused a lot of psychological challenges for me, whether it's worsening anxiety, at times worsening depression, less so, but still sometimes paranoia, OCD, a little bit of PTSD as well. And the list actually does go on. I'm almost ashamed to admit it because it's like, Emma, how lucky are you to have a job on the Internet?

谁在乎你有点焦虑？谁在乎你偶尔有些小恐慌发作？谁在乎你时不时情绪低落？谁在乎你患上了相当严重的强迫症，还因网络上的某些艰难时刻得了创伤后应激障碍？谁在乎？你有一份超棒的工作，所以闭嘴吧。

Who cares if you have a little bit of anxiety, a little bit of a few little panic attacks here and there, a few little depressive episodes here and there? Who cares if you've developed, like, pretty bad OCD and you have PTSD from certain, like, really rough times on the Internet. Like, who cares? Who cares? Like, you have a really great job, so shut the fuck up.

我同意。我确实认同这点。但这是我的真实经历，它给我带来了很多很多心理痛苦，这些痛苦已经超越了网络事件的范畴。对吧？就是这样。

I agree. Like, I agree with that. However, I cannot like, this is just my experience, and it has caused me a lot, a lot, a lot of psychological pain that has sort of gone beyond what has happened on the Internet. Right? It's like, yes.

互联网上确实有过艰难时期，那些时刻真的很难熬。你知道吗？但它们留下了某种持久的心理影响。我确实认为，尽管我作为公众人物在互联网上有过非常特殊的经历，这些经历让我面临这些强烈的心理挑战，但我也知道，你不需要成为公众人物也会在互联网上遭遇这些事。无论是被恶意攻击还是网络霸凌，诸如此类的狗屁事。

There have been challenging times on the Internet that in the moment have been really rough. You know? But then they've left sort of lasting psychological impacts. And I do think that even though I've had a very particular experience with the Internet as a public figure that has led me to sort of these intense psychological challenges, I also know that you don't have to be a public figure to experience those things from the Internet. Those things like, whether it's getting hated on or it's online bullying, like, whatever the fuck.

无论具体是什么，这些都是相对的。我知道这些事正发生在那些可能根本没想过要面对这些的人身上。对吧？比如公众人物算是自找的，但其他人也在经历这些。只是程度或方式不同而已。有时候我真希望所有人都能远离互联网，因为我也常想，如果我删掉所有应用、注销所有账号，就单纯地活在现实世界里会怎样。

Whatever it may be, like, it it's all relative. So I know that this is happening to people who maybe aren't even signing up for this. Right? Like, if you're a public figure, you're signing up for it, but it's happening to other people. But maybe just on a different scale or in a different way, but, like, I just want everyone to get off the Internet because I also know I I sometimes wonder if I deleted every app, deleted everything, and went in, like, just existed in the world.

我忍不住想，是不是所有心理问题都会消失。但我不确定这是否真的可行，因为我原本就有很多心理问题。我之前就有焦虑症，还经历过抑郁发作。你明白吗？

I can't help but wonder if all of those psychological issues would go away. And I don't know if that's true because I I also had a lot of psychological issues beforehand. I had anxiety beforehand. I used to experience depressive episodes. You know?

强迫症是新出现的，但我觉得是因为这对我影响太大了。我不是在卖惨，拜托。我已经能预见到评论区会说什么了，互联网的套路就是这样。

The OCD is a new one, but I think because it's been so hard for me. And, I'm not, like, I'm not victimizing myself. Please. I'm just I, like, already can hear the comments. That's how this shit works.

就像我能听见那些声音。我知道——'哦艾玛又来了'。我知道，我懂，行了吧？

It's like I can hear it. I know what I oh, Emma's I know. I know. I get it. Okay?

但我在互联网上受到的伤害如此之深，以至于这种伪善感特别强烈——正因为我被网络伤得太重，所以我不想成为别人打开应用后陷入泥潭的导火索。也许我的内容是积极的，但我不想因为我的存在让人点开应用后掉进什么有毒的东西里。谁知道呢？我就是不想喂养这头怪兽。

But I've struggled so much as a result of being on the Internet that I think that's why I feel this feeling of hypocrisy so strongly because I've been hurt so bad by the Internet that I don't want to be the reason that somebody opens the app and then gets sucked in. Yeah. Maybe my content is positive, but I don't wanna be the reason that somebody opened the app and then got sucked into something toxic or or who knows? Like, I don't know. I just I don't wanna feed the beast.

喂养这头怪兽感觉违背了我的道德观，我始终认为现实世界比互联网更好。但这又是个无解的困境，我现在才意识到。不过这不是要宣布退出，因为我不想退出。

Feeding the beast feels like it goes against my morals, which is that the real world is always gonna be better than the Internet. But then it's an impossible dilemma. It's an impossible dilemma, I'm realizing. But this is not me this is not me saying that I'm, like, quitting because I'm not. I don't wanna quit.

我超爱做这个。你知道吗？就像我之前说的，我从小就看网络内容。我热爱网络内容。我超爱创作内容。

I I love doing this. You know? Going back to what I said earlier, like, I grew up watching Internet content. I love Internet content. I love I love making it.

当网络内容对我的生活产生积极影响时，我很享受消费它——不会沉迷到浪费四小时然后感到抑郁焦虑，不会看到关于自己的恶意评论，不会刷到针对我的刻薄视频，你懂我意思吗？当一切都很顺利时，我热爱消费网络内容。当我停留在某个让我感到安全的博主页面时，我热爱互联网。我会继续在网络创作内容，这并不是说我要退出。

I love consuming it when it has a net positive impact on my life, and I don't get sucked in to the point where I waste four hours and then feel depressed and anxious, and then see hate comments about myself, and then see a video about me that's mean, and then, like, you know what I mean? Like, when everything's going super well, I love consuming Internet content. When I stay on, like, one person's page that I know is safe for me, I love the Internet. I'm gonna continue to create content on the Internet. This is not me saying that I'm quitting.

我只是想尝试些不同的形式，坐下来和你们聊聊我对某件事的感受。其实我自己也没完全想明白，这通常不是我常讨论的话题。我一般会谈论那些已有明确结论的事。有时我会感到必须给出结论的压力，就像打开麦克风漫无目的喋喋不休，最后让人想问'这他妈算什么'？我本不想做这种内容，但唉，我刚刚就这么做了。

I just thought I would try something different, sit down, and tell you about how I've been feeling about something. I don't really have all figured out, which is not usually what I tend to talk about. I usually tend to talk about something knowing that there's gonna be a conclusion in mind. I sometimes feel the the pressure to sort of have a conclusion, like, just turning on a microphone and just yapping with no takeaways sort of like, well, what the fuck was that? And I never wanna make something like that, but alas, I just did.

这就是我今天想说的全部了。希望你们喜欢这期节目。如果喜欢请直说——说真的，你们完全可以诚实点。如果讨厌这期觉得'艾玛你太啰嗦了'...

That's all I that's all I got for today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, be honest. Honestly, like, you can be honest. If you hated this episode and you're like, Emma, you are so not concise.

你完全语无伦次，简直一团糟，我根本听不懂你在说什么。你就是在那废话连篇胡扯了不知道多久，我要取关了——说实话，对这期实验性内容你们可以直说，我承受得住。

You are so all over the place. You are a fucking mess. I didn't understand a word you said. Like, you just were, like, word vomiting, absolute garbage for, you know, however long, and I'm unsubscribing. Like, to be honest, with this episode, you can tell me because it's experimental, and I can handle it.

听着，我当然喜欢带有建设性意见的善意评价。但在网络上发布内容时，你必须预料到尖刻的言论，这就是网络的本质。

Listen. Do I appreciate kind words with with, you know, constructive criticism in the mix? Of course, I do. But anytime you ask of something on the Internet, you have to, you know, you have to expect harshness because that's sort of the nature of the beast. Yeah.

告诉我你们的看法，以及对这个话题的想法。说真的，我知道这有点像...非常小众的困境对吧？是非常特定的个人体验。

Let me know what you thought, and let me know what you think about this topic. I mean, listen. I know it's kinda like it's very it's very much like a niche dilemma. Right? It's very much a hyper specific experience.

但请告诉我你的想法。还有，谢谢大家的聆听和陪伴。我爱你们所有人。我感激你们每一个人。这总是让我感到非常愉快。

But let me know what you think. And, yeah, thank you all for listening and hanging out. I love you all. I appreciate you all. It is always a pleasure.

尽管有时我会对在互联网上发帖感到些许内疚，但我还是会继续这么做。过几天再和你们聊。好的。爱你们。回头聊，再见。

And even though sometimes I feel a little bit of guilt about posting on the Internet, I'm gonna keep doing it anyway. I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay. Love you all. Talk to you later, and bye.