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本集简介
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今天，我要给你们讲个故事。
Today, I'm going to tell you a story.
好吗？
Okay?
今天我要讲的是几周前发生在我身上的一件事，之所以现在才提起，是因为我完全忘了这回事。
Today, I'm going tell you a story about something that happened to me a few weeks ago that I didn't bring up sooner because I completely forgot that it happened.
明白吗？
Okay?
直到今天吃午饭时，我才突然想起这件事。
Up until today, while I was eating my lunch, I completely forgot that this happened.
完全忘记了。
Completely forgot.
这对我来说可不常见。
And that's something I don't do often.
遇到重要的事情时，我通常不会从记忆中抹去，尤其是那些适合在播客里讲述的故事。
When something significant happens, I don't often erase it from my memory, especially if it's a story that I could tell on my podcast.
好的。
Okay.
我的工作就是讲故事。
I'm in the business of telling stories.
我通常不会忘记一个故事，但不知为何这件事对我打击太大，导致我完全把它屏蔽在记忆之外，直到今天中午12:05我吃酸奶碗时才想起来。
I don't forget about a story, but somehow this one was so traumatic for me that I completely blocked it out up until today at around 12:05PM when I was eating my yogurt bowl.
12:05，当我正在吃酸奶碗时，记忆如潮水般涌回。
At 12:05PM, when I was eating my yogurt bowl, the memories came flooding back.
当记忆恢复的那一刻，我就知道我必须做什么。
And the second that they did, I knew what I had to do.
所以我吃完酸奶碗，把它放进水槽，倒了点水防止酸奶结块，走到书桌前开始讲述这个故事。
So I finished my yogurt bowl, put it in the sink, put a little bit of water in it so that the yogurt didn't get crusty, walked over to my desk, turned on my camera, turned on my recording equipment, and sat down to tell you this story.
现在我就来给你讲这个故事。
And now here I am to tell you this story.
我能坦白说吗？
And can I be honest?
你会评判我的。
You are going to judge me.
没错。
Yep.
你会评判我，因为这个故事太尴尬了。
You're gonna judge me because this story is embarrassing.
简直丢人现眼。
It's mortifying.
这对我造成了心理创伤，但并不是那种能让你同情的方式。
It's traumatizing to me, but it's not traumatizing in a way that you're gonna sympathize with.
它的创伤性在于你会因此评判我。
It's traumatizing in a way that you are going to judge.
你会因为我被这件事创伤而评判我，但我还是要讲这个故事，因为在我生活中不幸事件的唯一好处就是能在播客里讲述它们。
You are going to judge me for being traumatized by what happened, But I'm gonna tell you the story anyway because the silver lining of unfortunate events in my life is that I get to talk about them on my podcast.
除此之外，这个故事或许尴尬又难堪，但它很真实。
And beyond that, the story might be embarrassing and mortifying, but it's human.
这就是为什么我必须和你分享这件事。
And that's why I have to share it with you.
我短暂暂停了这期《Anything Goes》节目，想告诉大家本节目由亚马逊赞助播出。
I briefly paused this episode of Anything Goes to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Amazon.
生病本身已经够难受了。
Getting sick is horrible enough.
康复的过程不该同样痛苦。
The getting better part shouldn't be horrible too.
预约电话等待、拥挤的候诊室、药房排队——这些几乎和疾病本身一样折磨人。
Waiting on hold for an appointment, sitting in crowded waiting rooms, standing in line at the pharmacy, that's almost as bad as the sickness itself.
Amazon One Medical和亚马逊药房消除了这些康复过程中的痛苦环节，提供7×24小时在线问诊和送药上门服务。
Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy remove these painful parts of getting better with things like twenty four seven virtual visits and prescriptions delivered to your door.
感谢Amazon One Medical和亚马逊药房对本期节目的赞助支持。
Thanks to Amazon One Medical and Amazon Pharmacy for sponsoring today's episode.
现在让我们回到节目内容。
Now let's get back to the episode.
让我为你描述一下场景。
So let me set the scene for you.
今年新年，我受邀和一些朋友去短途旅行。
For New Year's this year, I got invited to go on a little trip with some friends.
明白吗？
Okay?
大约10个朋友，有些和我关系非常亲密，有些可能没那么亲密，但一大群人，10个人去了一个山间小镇。
A group of, like, 10 friends, some friends that I'm super close with, some friends that I'm maybe a bit less close with, but a big group, 10 people to a mountain town.
懂了吗？
Okay?
就像滑雪小镇那样。
Like a ski town.
有雪景、滑雪缆车、滑雪场、可爱的小商店、温馨的小餐馆。
Snow, ski lifts, ski mountains, cute little shops, cute little restaurants.
你能感受到那种氛围吗？
You know the vibe?
一个小滑雪小镇。
A little ski town.
我超级喜欢滑雪小镇，所以对这次旅行特别期待。
I absolutely love a ski town, so I was so excited for this trip.
我一直都很喜欢滑雪小镇。
I've always loved a ski town.
它有种既宁静又迷人的特质，带着一种反乌托邦式的氛围。
There's something about it that's so peaceful and charming in the most dystopian way.
但它的反乌托邦感更像主题公园那种，像迪士尼乐园那种感觉。
But it's dystopian in, like, a theme park sort of way and, like, a Disneyland sort of way.
我就是一直很喜欢这种感觉。
And I've just always loved it.
不过，我从来没滑过雪。
However, I've never skied.
也从来没玩过单板滑雪。
I've never snowboarded.
每次我去滑雪小镇，都只是去闲逛的。
Every time I've ever gone to a little ski town, I've just been there to hang out.
除了一次我尝试滑雪板，滑了一小时，结果连站都没站起来。
Except for one time when I tried to snowboard for, an hour and, like, never even stood up.
所以，我想你可以说我尝试过一次，但我真的不把那算作尝试。
So I, like, I guess you could say, you know, I tried it once, but I don't even count it, really.
我在滑雪场的所有经历，都是在旅馆的火炉旁喝热饮。
All of my experiences at ski mountains involve drinking a hot beverage by a fire in the lodge.
懂吗？
Okay?
我是不会下山的。
I'm not going down the mountain.
这是因为我从小就没学过滑雪。
And that's because I didn't grow up doing it.
我认识一些孩子，他们的爸爸很有钱，在太浩湖有度假屋，那里冬天算是个滑雪小镇。
Like, I grew up with some kids who had really rich dads that had vacation houses in Lake Tahoe, which is sort of a ski town during the winter.
所以我认识很多滑雪和单板滑雪特别厉害的孩子，因为他们每个假期周末都会去滑雪，但我没有这种机会。
And so there were a lot of kids I knew that were incredible at skiing and snowboarding because, you know, every holiday weekend, they were going up to ski and snowboard, but I didn't have that.
我爸可没有太浩湖的别墅，我也很少被邀请去太浩湖的别墅玩。
My dad does not have a Lake Tahoe house, and I didn't get invited to Lake Tahoe houses very often.
所以我压根就没尝试过。
So I just never tried it.
而且大家都说年纪越大，学滑雪和单板滑雪就越难。
And they do say that learning skiing and snowboarding gets harder the older that you get.
所以我从来没什么动力去尝试，但我一直特别羡慕。
So I was never really inclined to try it, but I've always been really jealous.
就像，我一直希望自己能擅长这个。
Like, I've always wanted to be good at it.
我一直觉得这特别酷。
I always thought it was such a cool thing.
看到那些会滑雪玩单板的孩子，我就觉得，靠。
Like, the kids that could ski and snowboard, I was like, fuck.
你能去滑雪小镇真正做点事情真是太酷了。
It's so cool that you can go to a little ski town and actually do something.
我去滑雪小镇时，只能在礼品店闲逛喝热巧克力。
I go to a little ski town, and I have to hang out at the gift shop and drink hot chocolate.
这样也挺有趣，但如果能在滑雪或单板滑雪后再这样玩会更棒。
Like, that's fun, but it would be so fun to do that after skiing or after snowboarding.
我超爱这种环境氛围。
And I love this environment.
我太喜欢滑雪小镇了，真希望自己能参与其中，可惜一直没能实现。
I love the ski town so much that I just wish I could participate, but alas, I never could.
说回这次新年旅行，目的地就是个滑雪小镇。
And so back to this New Year's trip, it was a trip to a ski town.
当这个计划一提出，我几乎下意识对自己说：希望还有别人也不想滑雪或玩单板。
And immediately when this plan came up, I said to myself almost subconsciously, like, hopefully, there's other people who don't wanna ski or snowboard.
等我到了那里，大家聊起滑雪经历时，发现很多人都不想滑雪，这让我很安心。
And when I arrived and we all sort of discussed, you know, our experience with skiing and snowboarding, I was comforted to see that a bunch of people didn't wanna ski or snowboard.
我当时就觉得，这简直太棒了。
And I was like, this is incredible.
我就打算和这群朋友中的这部分人一起玩，其他人去滑雪和单板滑雪，这样会很好。
I'm just gonna hang out with this part of the friend group, and everybody else will go and ski and snowboard, and it'll be great.
但后来有几个不会滑雪或单板滑雪的人想尝试滑雪。
But then there were a few people who didn't know how to ski or snowboard, who wanted to try skiing.
然后我就面临一个两难的选择。
Then I'm faced with a dilemma.
我是该选择舒适安全的方式，和那些对滑雪毫无兴趣的人一起待在后方吗？
Do I do what's comfortable, do what's safe, and stay back with the people who have no interest in touching the snow at all?
还是应该挑战自我？
Or do I challenge myself?
在2024年结束之际，以一项挑战开启2025年。
And end twenty twenty four off, start twenty twenty five off doing something challenging.
于是我思考了很长时间。
So I contemplated about it for a while.
我跟团队商量了一下，然后，你知道，有一部分人说不去。
And I sort of talked to the group, and and, you know, part of the group was like, no.
就像，留下来跟我们一起。
Like, stay with us.
我们要一起看电视、放松、敷面膜，享受舒适时光之类的。
We're gonna hang out, and we're gonna watch TV and, like, chill and do face masks and be comfortable or whatever.
然后小组里准备去上滑雪课的那部分人就说，来吧，我们准备去上滑雪课了。
And then the small part of the group that was gonna, you know, take a skiing lesson was like, come on, like, we're gonna take a skiing lesson.
比如，和我们在一起你会很安全。
Like, you'll be safe with us.
我们会在初学者坡道上。
We're gonna be on the bunny hill.
会很简单的。
It's gonna be easy.
会很安全的。
It's gonna be safe.
会很有趣的。
It's gonna be fun.
然后那些有经验的人就说，这会非常棒。
And then the group who is experienced is like, it's gonna be amazing.
你会学到东西，然后就能跟我们一起了。
You're gonna learn, and then you're gonna be able to come with us.
我就说，哦，我实在无法决定。
And I'm like, oh, And I could not decide.
但最终我决定，管他呢。
But I eventually decided, fuck it.
我要去。
I'm gonna go.
我要试试。
I'm gonna do it.
是啊。
Yeah.
我要去做这件事。
I'm gonna do it.
于是第二天就是滑雪课的日子。
And so the next day was the day of the skiing lesson.
明白吗？
Okay?
然后，我们去了滑雪用品店，租了所有装备。
And, you know, we go to a ski shop, rent all of the equipment.
我开始感到紧张了。
And I'm like, I'm starting to get nervous.
懂吗？
Okay?
因为我拿起滑雪板时就在想，
Because I'm like, I'm picking up the skis.
我正在试穿滑雪靴。
I'm trying on the boots.
我就想，这些装备真的好重，穿着这些东西真的很难活动。
And I'm like, this stuff is really heavy, And it's really hard to, like, move around in this stuff.
我有点担心自己的行动能力。
I'm a little nervous about, like, my mobility.
比如，我能不能穿着这些东西控制好身体？
Like, am I gonna be able to, like, control my body with this stuff?
所以我开始越来越焦虑。
And so my anxiety is starting to build.
不过，我用这样的想法安慰自己：嘿，
But, you know, I comfort myself with the idea like, hey.
又不是只有我一个人完全搞不清楚状况，我们是要去上课的。
I'm not the only one who has no idea what's going on, and we're gonna take a lesson.
所以我们会学会的。
So we're gonna learn.
而且，我看到周围有一群小孩子。
And, you know, I see a bunch of kids around.
滑雪用品店里也有小孩。
There's kids in the ski shop.
早上我看见镇上有小孩走来走去。
I saw kids walking around in the morning just around town.
我就想，小孩都能做到。
I'm like, there's kids doing this.
艾玛，你他妈的一定能行的。
Like, Emma, you fucking got this.
一切都会好起来的。
Like, it's all good.
于是我们把所有东西都装进车里。
So we pack everything into the car.
我们去了滑雪场，跟教练会合。
We go to the ski hill, and we meet up with our instructor.
这位教练人特别好。
And this instructor is just so sweet.
好的。
Okay.
他就是个很友善的人。
He's just like a sweet dude.
对吧？
Right?
他大概50岁左右，是个很和善的人。
He's, like, probably 50 sweet guy.
对吧？
Right?
就是完全不会让人感到紧张的那种。
Like, just not intimidating at all.
很随和的人。
Chill guy.
我当时想，这太棒了。
I'm like, this is great.
你知道吗？
You know?
最糟糕的是当你有个教练，你对某件事完全是个新手，而那个教练又特别有魅力。
The worst thing is when you have some sort of instructor and you're really new at something, and the instructor is, like, hot.
我不是说那种让人心动的有魅力。
Like, I'm not saying, like, hot, like, oh, I'm interested.
这其实还挺不可思议的。
That's actually kind of incredible.
当教练很有魅力而你又是单身时，你可能会想，但不行。
When, like, an instructor is hot and you're single and you like, but no.
我指的是一般意义上的有魅力。
I just mean, like, hot in general.
对吧？
Right?
甚至不一定是我会被吸引的那种，就是那种又酷又有魅力的人。
Not even necessarily somebody that I'm attracted to, but just somebody who's hot and cool.
这对学习来说并不理想。
That is not ideal for learning.
当我学习时，我希望不用在意这个人对我的看法。
When I'm learning something, I want to not care about what this person is thinking of me.
这个人实在太糟糕了。
And this person was so bad.
好吧。
Okay.
他就像，他可能是我叔叔。
He's just like, he could be my uncle.
他确实给人这种感觉。
He actually felt like yeah.
他给人的感觉就像个叔叔。
He he felt like an uncle.
我当时就觉得，这样很棒。
And I was like, this is great.
课程的前三十分钟左右，我们做的那些事情在我看来毫无意义。
And for the first, like, thirty minutes of the lesson, we are doing stuff that to me makes no sense.
我们在学习穿着滑雪靴跳跃之类的动作，这个我理解。
We're, like, learning how to, like, jump while wearing the ski boots, which, like, I get.
你懂吗？
You know?
这大概是为了理解灵活性，以及如何移动之类的，但我当时很没耐心。
It's, like, all, like, understanding mobility and, like, how to move and stuff, but I was impatient.
我当时就想，天啊。
I was like, oh my god.
感觉根本没学到什么东西。
I feel like I'm not learning enough.
这怎么能帮我做好上山滑雪的准备呢？
How is this gonna prepare me to, like, go up on the mountain?
与此同时，当我们做着这些奇怪的小动作——比如穿着滑雪靴蹦跳，或者反复练习滑雪板穿脱50次以确保掌握时，我看着那些经验丰富的滑雪者和单板玩家乘着缆车上山，离地面高得一旦摔下来必死无疑。
And meanwhile, while we're doing these, like, really odd minor movements, like jumping around with the ski boots on or, like, clicking in and out of the skis, like, 50 times to make sure that we know how to do it, I'm watching experienced skiers and snowboarders go up on the ski lift and just absolutely be so far off the ground that if they fell, they would die.
他们绝对会当场毙命。
They would absolutely die immediately.
如果他们能活下来，那简直是医学奇迹。
And if they survived, it would be a medical miracle.
懂吗？
Okay?
我就这样眼睁睁看着。
And I'm watching that.
我看着那些人连安全护栏都不拉下来，就这么大咧咧地坐着。
And I'm watching people not even pull down the safety bar and just be sitting there willy nilly.
我开始感到胃里一阵发紧。
And I'm starting to feel a pit in my stomach.
但我想，你知道吗？
But I'm like, you know what?
这堂课会把我训练到敢坐缆车的程度。
This lesson is gonna prepare me to the point where I feel ready to go on the ski lift.
所以我尽量保持积极的态度，但很快就感到沮丧。
So I keep the, you know, the attitude positive, but I start to get frustrated very quickly.
因为当我们做这些小小的练习时，比如把靴子卡进滑雪板又取出来，或者单脚站立一分钟看能不能做到，我开始在这些小动作上犯难，我就想，我完蛋了。
Because as we're doing these, like, small minor little exercises, clicking the shoe in and out of the out of the ski and, like, you know, balancing on one foot for, like, a minute to see if we could do it, I started to struggle with these minor little actions, and I was like, I'm fucked.
我完蛋了。
I'm fucked.
我今天怎么可能达到能滑下成人雪道的水平？
How am I supposed to ever get to a point today where I can even go down an adult mountain?
你知道吗？
You know?
如果我连这些热身小动作都做不好，怎么可能达到那个水平？
How am I gonna get to that point if I can't do these little warm ups?
于是我的态度开始有点转变，但我还是尽量保持镇定。
And so my attitude starts to shift a little bit, and I keep it together.
我倒没有完全变成混蛋，但确实变得有点沉默。
I'm not, like, being an asshole completely, but, like, I get a little quiet.
我想说，我...我很害怕。
I'm like, I'm I'm scared.
小组里的其他人看起来都没我这么紧张。
Everyone else in the group is seemingly feeling less nervous than me.
他们甚至对坐滑雪缆车感到兴奋。
Like, they're excited about the ski lift.
他们对这一切都充满期待。
They're excited about all of it.
他们一点都不害怕。
They're not afraid.
他们没有我这么焦虑。
They're not as anxious as me.
你知道吗？
You know?
最终，我们开始滑初级雪道了。
So eventually, we start going down bunny hills.
好吗？
Okay?
前几次简直是一场灾难。
And the first few times, it was a catastrophe.
明白吗？
Okay?
教练正在讲解它的工作原理。
The instructor's explaining how it works.
要减速时，你需要将滑雪板的前端并拢，后端分开，形成三角形或披萨的形状。
In order to slow down, you wanna put the top tips of the skis together and the back tips of the skis out in the shape of a triangle or a pizza or whatever.
这就是你控制速度的方法。
And that's how you control your speed.
这样你就能慢下来。
That's how you go slow.
这已经够浅显易懂了。
That was self explanatory enough.
但前几次滑下去的时候，我需要教练倒着滑在我前面，以防我——不知道怎么说——就像失控冲下新手坡道一样。
But the first handful of times that I went down, I needed him to be skiing backwards right in front of me to prevent me from, like, I don't know, just like barreling down the bunny hill.
简直一团糟。
It was just a mess.
明白吗？
Okay?
真的是一团糟。
It was a mess.
我还不断打滑，就像，几乎要摔倒那种。
And I kept slipping and like, like, kind of like almost falling.
情况真的很糟糕。
It was just not good.
显然我不是这块料。
And I was clearly not a natural.
而周围那些七岁小孩却滑得超好。
Meanwhile, there's like seven year olds around me who are just so good.
我当时就想，好吧。
And I was like, alright.
我不知道接下来会怎样。
I don't know how this is gonna go.
如果我不快点开窍的话，我就完蛋了。
And if something doesn't click for me soon, like, I'm screwed.
与此同时，滑雪课上有几个更叛逆的学员直接说，去他的。
Meanwhile, some people in the group, you know, more rebellious members of the group who are taking the ski lesson are like, fuck this.
我要自己滑了。
I'm just gonna go.
懂吗？
Okay?
所以有些人直接离开了滑雪课，跟着我们朋友群里那些有经验的滑雪者和单板玩家上山去了。
So some people just leave the ski lesson and just start going up with the experienced skiers in our friend group and snowboarders.
但有几个人留下来继续练习。
But a few of us stay back and continue.
而我真的是唯一一个感到紧张的人。
And I'm really the only one that's nervous.
我的焦虑感越来越严重，因为我没有以自己觉得必要的速度学会滑雪，无法在那天晚些时候真正跟团队一起从山上滑下来。
And my anxiety only gets worse and worse because I'm not, like, learning at the pace that I feel like I need to to be able to meet up with the group to go down the mountain for real at some point that day.
你知道吗？
You know?
所以我们继续练习。
So we practice.
我们一遍又一遍地滑下新手坡道。
We go down the bunny hill again and again.
终于，我开始掌握了要领。
And finally, I start to get it.
现在我已经不需要教练在旁边指导了。
Like, I don't need the instructor to be there anymore.
实际上，我滑得相当不错。
I'm actually, like, doing pretty well.
然后，你知道吗，他讲解了如何转弯以及如何来回穿梭。
And then, you know, he explains how to do turns and, you know, weaving back and forth.
这个对我来说其实挺容易的。
And that actually comes pretty easily to me.
我当时就想，等一下。
And I'm like, wait a minute.
我觉得我开窍了。
I think it clicked.
我觉得我现在是个滑雪高手了。
I think I'm an incredible skier now.
所以我开始更有信心，甚至有点兴奋。
So I start to feel more confident, and I start to get sort of excited.
我就想，好吧。
I'm like, alright.
你知道吗？
You know what?
有点吓人。
It's a little frightening.
有点可怕，但我能独自完成。
It's a little scary, but I can do this alone.
你知道吗？
You know?
就像，我不再需要他了。
Like, I I don't need him anymore.
没关系。
It's okay.
那时快到午饭时间，我所有朋友都说，嘿。
And so it was almost lunchtime, and my whole friend group was like, hey.
我们该在午饭前一起滑下山一次。
We should do one run altogether down the mountain before lunch.
于是我说，你们知道吗？
And so I was like, you know what?
操。
Fuck.
是啊。
Yeah.
我觉得我准备好了。
Like, I think I'm ready.
我们开始吧。
Let's do it.
教练要和我们一起去。
And the instructor was gonna come with us.
所以我就想，干就完了。
And so I was like, let's do this thing.
我们排队上缆车时，我突然恐慌发作。
So we get in line to get on the ski lift, and I start having a panic attack.
完全恐慌发作了。
Absolute panic attack.
好的。
Okay.
我浑身发抖，告诉教练说，我觉得我做不到。
And I'm shaking, and I'm telling the instructor, I'm like, I I don't think I can do it.
他就说，你绝对能做到的。
And he's like, you can totally do it.
完全没问题的。
It's totally fine.
然后我对朋友们说，你们要知道，其中有些人我才见过一次。
And then I was telling my friends, I'm like, you guys and mind you, some of these friends I've only met, like, once.
对吧？
Right?
所以我不太愿意在这些人面前恐慌发作。
So it's not like these are people that I'm comfortable with having a panic attack in front of.
这些人并不真正了解我。
These are people that do not know me like that.
他们不需要看到这一幕。
They don't need to see that.
然而，我却开始恐慌发作。
However, here I am starting to have a panic attack.
小组里有些人说，别去了。
And some members of the group are like, don't go.
就是，别去了。
Like, just don't go.
你知道吗？
You know?
没关系的。
It's all good.
还有些人则说，加油啊。
And then some are like, come on.
你都坚持到这一步了。
You've made it this far.
就是说，你必须得去做。
Like, you just gotta do it.
我当时就想，妈的。
And I was like, fuck.
你知道吗？
You know what?
我已经坚持到这里了。
I made it this far.
我出来了。
I came out.
我租了滑雪板。
I rented the skis.
就是说，我完成了所有准备。
Like, I did the whole thing.
我至少得滑下山一次。
I need to go down the mountain just once.
教练安慰我说，我们要滑的是最简单的那条道。
And the instructor reassured me, like, we're going down the easiest one.
就是有点长。
It's a little bit long.
大概两英里长的滑道，比一般的要长一些，但你知道的，没问题的。
It's like a two mile run, which is a bit longer than normal, but, you know, it's gonna be okay.
我就说，好吧。
And I'm like, yeah.
但我不知道怎么上滑雪缆车。
But I don't know how to go on the ski lift.
就是，我搞不明白。
Like, I don't I don't understand it.
要是我摔倒了怎么办？
What if I fall?
要是我绊倒了怎么办？
What if I trip?
要是它把我推倒了怎么办？
What if it pushes me over?
他说，你绝对不会有事的。
He's like, you'll be totally fine.
就是，你知道的，它移动得比你想象的要慢。
Like, you know, it moves slower than you think.
你可以安全地上去的。
You'll be able to get on safely.
我们会把护栏放下来。
We'll bring down the bar.
他一直在安慰我，反复安慰我。
He's, like, reassuring me, reassuring me, reassuring me.
然后我开始哭了。
And I'm starting to cry.
我当时就想，妈的，艾玛。
And I'm like, fuck, Emma.
你不能哭。
You can't start crying.
你他妈的就得上。
You just have to fucking go.
提升自己，去做就对了。
Improve yourself that you do it.
你不能哭。
You can't cry.
那边有七岁小孩坐缆车还在笑呢。
You're not you're there are seven year olds going on the ski lift, like, laughing.
而你是个23岁的成年女性了。
Like, you are a 23 year old woman.
给我他妈的振作起来。
Hold it fucking together.
明白吗？
Okay?
我们必须保持镇定。
We need to hold it together.
所以我强忍着泪水。
So I'm choking down my tears.
我真的好想大哭一场，但我还是强忍着，强忍着。
I really just wanna explode with tears and just start crying, but I'm holding it together, holding it together.
我几乎处于震惊状态，就这样滑向滑雪缆车，排队准备上去。
And I'm like almost in shock as I'm like gliding over to the ski lift and getting in line to get on.
我站到了位置上。
And I get into position.
我在发抖。
I'm shaking.
好吗？
Okay?
说真的，此刻我已经完全恍惚了。
I literally I'm so dissociated at this point.
我真的感觉像是在做梦一样。
I literally don't I feel like I'm dreaming.
就像，我觉得我需要掐自己一下，确认自己是个真实存在的人，这一切真的在发生。
Like, feel I like I need to pinch myself and make sure I'm, like, actually a real human being and that this is actually happening.
我当时恐慌到了这种程度。
That's how bad I was panicking.
它把我吊了起来，我往下看。
And it swoops me up, and I look down.
短短六秒钟内，我就离地面那么高，如果那时掉下去，我必死无疑。
And within six seconds, I'm so far off the ground that if I fell in that moment, I would die.
我开始尖叫着哭起来。
And I start scream like crying.
好吧。
Okay.
在哭。
Crying.
我紧紧抓住教练的手臂。
And I hold onto the arm of my instructor.
我感觉糟透了。
I felt so bad.
就像，我甚至没问过是否可以这样做，但我像个受惊的孩子一样开始嚎啕大哭。
Like, is I didn't ask permission if I was allowed to, but I was so frightened like a child that I start bawling.
我抓着他的手臂不停道歉。
I grab his arm, and I'm like, I'm so sorry.
真的非常抱歉。
I'm so sorry.
我太害怕了。
I'm so scared.
他说：完全没关系。
He's like, It's totally fine.
真的完全没关系。
It's totally fine.
一切都很好。
Everything's fine.
我开始抽泣，泪如泉涌。
I start sob gushing, gushing tears.
好吧。
Okay.
与此同时，朋友群里的两个人跟我一起在缆车上，一个是跟我一起上课的，另一个是更有经验的朋友。
Meanwhile, two of the friends in the friend group are on the ski lift with me, one who was in the lesson with me, and one other friend who's more experienced.
我们已经一起玩过很多次了。
We've hung out multiple times.
好吧。
Okay.
我们确实是朋友，但他们并不真正了解我。
We're we're totally friends, but they don't know me like that.
你懂我的意思吗？
You know what I'm saying?
比如，我甚至不会在我最好的朋友面前那样哭。
Like, I don't cry in front of my best friends like that even.
我从来没有在我最好的朋友面前那样哭过。
I I've never cried like that in front of my best friends.
而现在突然间，我嚎啕大哭，鼻涕眼泪糊了一脸，像个该死的七岁小孩。
And now suddenly, I am balling, Balling ball, snot running down my face like a fucking seven year old.
不过，我有点享受这种感觉。
And I I'm kind of enjoying it, though.
与此同时，我又慌得要命。
The same time, like, I'm freaking out.
好吧。
Okay.
意识到我有多恐高。
Realizing how afraid I am of heights.
你知道，这些感受全都涌上来了。
You know, it's it's all coming to me.
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但同时我又觉得，哇。
But I'm also kinda like, wow.
这太美了。
This is beautiful.
但我也在想，我可能要死了。
But I'm also like, I'm gonna die.
这是我经历过最糟糕的事情。
And this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
我不敢相信还得一路爬下去，这简直就是场灾难。
And I can't believe I have to go all the way down, and this is just a catastrophe.
我问教练，
And I asked the instructor.
我说：这正常吗？
I'm like, is this normal?
你懂吗？
You know?
比如，这种情况每个人都会遇到吗？
Like, does this happen to everyone?
他说，别担心这个。
He's like, don't worry about that.
我当时就想，靠。
I'm like, fuck.
我大概是他教过的学生里第一个精神崩溃的。
This like, I'm literally probably the first student he's ever had who's had a mental breakdown.
但你知道吗，那一刻我意识到滑雪这个概念对我来说有多可怕。
But, you know, I realized in that moment how truly terrifying the concept of skiing is to me.
它的每个环节都戳中了我最大的恐惧之一。
Every element of it taps into one of my biggest fears.
懂吗？
Okay?
第一，恐高。
Number one, the fear of heights.
我以前并不恐高，但随着年龄增长，这种恐惧越来越严重。
I wasn't always afraid of heights, but as I've gotten older, my fear of heights has gotten worse.
我坐飞机时也很煎熬。
And I struggle with flying on the plane.
你知道吗，我会有那么些阶段，真的就是特别难熬。
You know, I go through phases where it's like, literally it is just really hard for me.
然后又会进入克服恐惧的阶段。
Then I have phases where I get over it.
我就这样反复摇摆。
I teeter back and forth.
明白吗？
You know?
这是我在努力克服的问题，但确实很挣扎。
It's something I'm working on, but I definitely struggle with it.
懂我意思吗？
You know?
我对跳伞之类的一点兴趣都没有。
I have no interest in, like, skydiving.
从来都没有过。
I never have.
对我来说这太可怕了。
That's just terrifying to me.
这可不是什么有趣的人生目标或生活体验。
That's not a fun life goal, life activity.
天啊，还列什么人生愿望清单。
Oh my God, once in a lifetime bucket list.
必须跳一次伞。
Gotta skydive.
谢了，不必。
No thanks.
我恐高。
I hate heights.
好吗？
Okay?
但我还讨厌那些不必要的危险。
But I also hate things that are unnecessarily dangerous.
滑雪、单板滑雪，这些都非常危险。
And skiing, snowboarding, all of these things are very dangerous.
受伤的风险太大了。
There is so much risk for injury.
受伤的风险非常高。
The risk for injury is very high.
你可能会撞到树上。
You could run into a tree.
你可能会被其他滑雪者或单板滑雪者撞到。
You could get hit by another skier or snowboarder.
你可能会...我也不知道，冻伤。
You could, I don't know, get frostbite.
我他妈也不知道，但就是，很多糟糕的事情都可能发生。
I don't fucking know, but, like, a lot of bad things can happen.
而我是一个对受伤有着极度恐惧的人。
And I am somebody who really deeply fears injury.
就是说，我非常害怕受伤。
Like, I'm very afraid of injury.
明白吗？
Okay?
而且我对此相当偏执。
And I'm pretty paranoid about it.
但我的另一个特点是，我对自己的身体和身体感受非常挑剔。
But another thing about me is that I'm really particular about my body and how my body feels.
比如，我对身体上的触感非常敏感。
Like, I'm very sensitive about how things feel on my body.
懂了吗？
Okay?
举个很好的例子，我小时候对袜子特别挑剔，尤其是袜尖的缝线，因为我非常在意脚上的触感。
So a good example of that would be when I was a kid, I was really particular about my socks, specifically the seam on top of the toe on a sock, because I was very focused on that sensation on my foot.
如果感觉不对，比如线头戳到皮肤或者勒进肉里，就会让我非常难受。
Like, if it was not right, if it was poking me or digging into my skin, like, that really bothered me.
我一直对衣服标签特别讲究。
I've always been really particular about the tags in my clothes.
衣服里要是有刺痒的标签，我绝对受不了。
If there's an itchy tag in my clothes, can't do it.
必须把它剪掉。
I have to cut it out.
我几乎把所有衣服的标签都剪掉了。
I cut out pretty much every single tag in every single piece of clothing that I wear.
我一直更喜欢穿更少衣服的运动。
I've always preferred participating in sports that require less clothing.
比如，我喜欢穿得少一点进行体育活动。
Like, I like doing physical activity in less clothing.
我来给你举个例子。
And I'll give you an example of that.
我从小练啦啦队和体操。
I grew up doing cheerleading and gymnastics.
这些运动需要穿非常符合空气动力学的、轻便的服装，因为这样最合理，不像曲棍球或冲浪。
You wear, you know, very aerodynamic, limited clothing for those sports because that's what makes the most sense versus, you know, lacrosse or surfing.
这些运动对我来说总是更具挑战性，因为我不喜欢身上有装备。
Those things have always been a bit more challenging for me because I don't like having gear on me.
我不喜欢拿着曲棍球杆、戴着曲棍球面罩、咬着护齿套、绑着护膝，全身挂满东西的感觉。
I don't like the feeling of holding a lacrosse stick and wearing a lacrosse mask and having a mouth guard in and wearing knee pads and having all this stuff on my body.
那样让我很不舒服。
Like, I don't feel comfortable like that.
我很难集中注意力。
It's hard for me to focus.
这会让我感到幽闭恐惧和焦虑。
It makes me feel claustrophobic and anxious.
同理，你知道的，就像潜水服。
Same thing with, you know, like a wetsuit.
我一直都很讨厌穿潜水服。
Like, I've always hated putting on a wetsuit.
最近，大概过去六个月里，我尝试和我爸爸一起冲浪，我买了一件非常厚的潜水服。
And, you know, recently, tried surfing with my dad within the last probably six months, and I got a really thick wetsuit.
超级厚。
Super thick.
它很棒，因为一旦穿上就能保暖。
It's great because once it's on, it keeps you warm.
但是穿脱那玩意儿，我其实一个人搞不定。
But getting that thing on and off, I actually couldn't do it alone.
懂吗？
Okay?
我得找人帮忙，因为它太紧了，紧紧贴在我身上。
I had to have someone help because, like, it was so tight and so sucked onto my body.
我当时真的费了很大劲。
And I had a really hard time with that.
我记得第一天和我爸冲完浪后，我试图把潜水服脱下来。
Like, I remember the first day I was trying to get the wetsuit off after I had surfed with my dad.
我站在淋浴下，水哗哗地流着。
I was in the shower, water running.
我坐在地上。
I'm sitting on the ground.
我正试图把肩带从头上拉过去。
I'm trying to get the strap over my head.
但我真的，就是做不到。
And I physically, like, couldn't do it.
它太紧了。
It was too tight.
我使出了浑身解数。
I was using every single ounce of strength that I had.
而且我并不虚弱。
And I'm not weak.
明白吗？
Okay?
我觉得自己其实挺强壮的。
I'm I feel like I'm actually pretty strong.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I mean?
就是没法从头上脱下来。
Couldn't get it over my head.
然后我就哭了起来，因为那种被卡住的感觉，我实在受不了。
And I just started crying because the feeling of, like, being stuck, I I can't handle it.
这真的让我非常非常困扰。
It really, really bothers me.
总之，我扯了这么远就是想告诉你，我有多讨厌身上穿着衣服、装备这类东西的感觉，那些不符合人体工学的设计，让人感觉不自在。
So, anyway, I went off on that long tangent to sort of express to you how much I don't like the feeling of having clothes on my body, equipment on my body, things like that that aren't ergonomic, don't feel human.
你知道吗？
You know?
我更喜欢舒适甚至感觉不到存在的东西。
I prefer things that feel comfortable or even nonexistent.
而滑雪需要穿着你能想象到的最不舒服的服装和装备。
And skiing requires some of the most uncomfortable clothing and equipment that you could ever imagine.
明白吗？
Okay?
当你穿着全套滑雪服再踩着滑雪板时，几乎动弹不得。
You can barely move when you're wearing, you know, a whole snow suit and then you're wearing the skis.
就像，你根本动不了。
Like, you can't move.
所有这些念头都在我坐缆车时逐渐浮现。
So all of this is dawning on me while I'm on the ski lift.
我靠。
Holy fuck.
这简直就是我的噩梦。
This is my nightmare.
关于滑雪的一切，我都讨厌。
Every single thing about this, I hate.
但与此同时，我又很想喜欢上它。
But at the same time, I'm like, I wanna like it.
我太想喜欢它了，因为我一直渴望能掌握这项运动。
I wanna like it so bad because I've always wanted to be able to do it.
我一直希望能和大家一起去滑雪旅行。
I've always wanted to be able to go on the ski trips with people.
我超爱在滑雪小镇消磨时光。
I love hanging out in the ski town.
说不定有天我会把每年冬天来滑雪小镇变成传统。
You know, maybe one day I would love to make a tradition out of coming to a ski town every winter.
我一直渴望能参与其中，但始终未能如愿，因为我从没真正参与过冬季运动。
Like, I've always wanted to, you know, participate in that, and I've never fully been able to because I've never been able to participate in the winter sports.
所以我，你知道，我通过想象如果我真的喜欢上滑雪会有多满足来激励自己。
So I, you know, I motivated myself by thinking about how satisfying it would be if I did like it.
你懂吗？
You know?
就像，哦，喜欢上它会带来那么多美好的事情。
Like, oh, so many beautiful things would come from liking it.
所以让我试着去喜欢它吧。
So let me just try to like it.
更重要的是，让我先想办法从这该死的山上下去，因为我已经快到山顶了，而且只有一条下山的路。
And more importantly than that, let me just try to get down the fucking hill because I'm on my way to the top, and there's only one way down.
所以我必须想办法解决。
So I'm gonna need to figure it out.
滑雪缆车把我们推了下去。
The ski lift pushes us off.
我成功下了缆车，说实话这挺了不起的，因为对于从未滑过雪的人来说，下缆车的方式就是把你直接'吐'到一个小山坡上，然后你就顺势滑下去。
I get off successfully, which is kind of impressive, honestly, because the way you get off the ski lift, if you've never skied before, is it, like, kinda just spits you out onto, like, a a very small little hill, and then you ride it down.
所以，你基本上就是站起来就开始滑了。
So, like, you just kinda stand up and start going.
就是，你立刻就开始滑雪了，这很合理。
Like, you start skiing immediately, which makes sense.
这样很聪明。
Like, that's smart.
但我不知道。
But I don't know.
如果你从没滑过雪，就这样直接开始还挺有挑战性的。
If you've never skied before, it's kinda challenging to just start like that.
但我成功做到了，我当时就想，好吧。
But I did that successfully, and I was like, okay.
刚才表现得还不错。
That was pretty good.
然后我就慢慢开始往山下走。
And then I slowly start going the mountain.
大概头十分钟吧，我滑得很慢，但确实开始找到感觉了。
And for the first, like, I don't know, ten minutes, I was going pretty slow, but I was actually starting to get it.
我的滑雪板先是直行，然后开始左右转弯，来回摆动。
Like, I was, like, had my skis going straight and then, like, had them, like, turning in and then out and then in and out.
我当时想，我这是在之字形滑行呢。
And I was like, I'm kinda, like, weaving my way along here.
速度渐渐快起来了。
I'm kinda picking up some speed.
感觉这样可能挺不错的。
Like, maybe this is great.
然后坡度开始变得有点陡了。
Then it starts to get a little bit steeper.
教练告诉我：'艾玛，你要以S形路线滑行'。
My instructor tells me, Emma, you want to ski back and forth in an S shape.
先向右滑，然后通过转向再向左滑。
Ski to the right and then ski to the left by turning.
对吧？
Right?
这是下陡坡时最有效的减速方法。
And that's the most effective way to slow down when going down a more steep hill.
对吧？
Right?
他之前教我们的减速方法，就是把滑雪板摆成三角形，脚跟外张，脚尖相对。
The method of slowing down that he had taught us earlier, which is putting your skis in like a triangle shape, kinda sticking out your heels and putting your toes together.
你知道，这种方法适合小斜坡。
You know, that helps with smaller hills.
但当坡度稍微变陡时，像这样迂回滑行更好。
But when you start to get to the slightly steeper stuff, it's better to weave like that.
我在这方面真的很吃力。
I really struggle with this.
明白吗？
Okay?
我一开始转弯还行，但没做到连续来回转弯。
I was good at turning earlier, but I wasn't turning, like, back and forth and back and forth.
与此同时，我完全慌了神，因为有人正以惊人的速度从山上猛冲下来。
Meanwhile, I'm completely overwhelmed because there are people bombing the fucking hill, going down at an alarming rate.
而我呢，正以每小时三英里的速度左右摇摆，挡了别人的道。
And meanwhile, I'm, like, swerving back and forth at, like, three miles per hour and getting into people's way.
然后他说，别管他们。
And and he's like, don't worry about them.
他们心里有数。
They know what they're doing.
没关系的。
It's all good.
可我觉得不行。
And I'm like, no.
这太糟糕了，这些人没一个专业的。
This is a horrible none of these people are professional.
我们完全不知道他们在干什么。
We have no idea what they're doing.
他们中迟早会有人撞上我。
One of them is gonna run into me.
所以我开始变得非常沮丧和害怕。
So I'm starting to get really upset and scared.
就在那时我开始摔倒了。
And that's when I start falling.
好吧。
Okay.
我开始频繁摔倒，因为我逐渐失去了控制。
I start falling a lot because I just start losing control.
坡度越来越陡了。
It's getting steeper.
我越来越难按照他教的那样做S形转弯，于是我开始频繁摔跤。
It's getting harder for me to do the sort of s turns that he's telling me to do, and I just start falling a lot.
每次摔倒时，我都感觉膝盖弯曲的角度让我觉得离骨折只差一点点。
And every time I fall, I feel my knees bending in a way that to me feels a little bit too close to a snap.
明白吗？
Okay?
穿着滑雪板摔倒真的很重。
Falling with skis on, like, they're heavy.
它们会被东西卡住。
They get caught on stuff.
我的膝盖一直以完全不自然的方式弯曲着。
I kept bending my knees in like completely unnatural ways.
每次摔倒都让我的膝盖受到严重伤害。
Every time, like really hurting my knees.
我当时想，我可能没法完好无损地带着膝盖骨下山了。
And I'm like, I'm not going to get down this mountain with my kneecaps intact.
等滑到山脚时，我可能会失去一块膝盖骨。
Like, I'm going to lose a kneecap by the time I get to the bottom.
这真的让我很沮丧。
So that really starts to upset me.
但更糟的是我穿着全套装备摔倒后，还要挣扎着爬起来。
But also the fact that I'm, like, wearing all this equipment and I'm falling, and then I'm trying to get up.
简直是我他妈最可怕的噩梦。
It's like my fucking nightmare.
我彻底崩溃了。
I have a mental breakdown.
又开始哭起来，抽泣不止。
Start crying again, sobbing.
突然间就嚎啕大哭。
All of a sudden, just start sobbing.
我当时想，根本不知道该怎么下山。
I'm like, I don't know how I'm ever going to get down.
期间我还问，我们还要滑多远？
Meanwhile, I ask, how much further do we have to go?
我们才走了四分之一的路程。
We had gone a quarter of the way.
不，甚至还没到。
No, not even.
那时我们走了还不到四分之一。
At that point, we had gone less than a quarter.
我们只走了十分之一的路。
We had gone a tenth of the way.
明白吗？
Okay?
我们还有很长的路要走。
We had so long to go.
在滑雪下山剩下的全程里，我的滑雪教练一直走在我前面引导着我。
The entire rest of the way down at the ski mountain, my ski instructor is ahead of me, sort of guiding me.
人们在我周围飞速滑过。
People are Zooming around me.
我已经控制不住地哭了起来。
I am at this point uncontrollably crying.
明白吗？
Okay?
此刻已经无法安慰。
Inconsolable at this point.
你知道，我的朋友们都从我身边滑过。
You know, my friends are passing.
他们喊着，加油艾玛。
They're like, go Emma.
干得好。
Good job.
根本不想跟他们说话。
Won't talk to them.
我当时想，我甚至没法跟这些人交流。
I'm like, I can't even talk to these people.
我爱所有人，但别他妈跟我说话。
I love everyone, but don't fucking talk to me.
在我下这座该死的山之前，连看都别看我一眼。
Don't even look at me until I'm down this goddamn mountain.
这就是我的噩梦。
This is my nightmare.
我正在经历。
I am living.
这是我个人的地狱，而且至少还要持续三十分钟才可能结束。
This is my personal hell, and it's not gonna end for another thirty minutes probably at minimum.
真的，我感觉自己被困住了。
Like, I truly felt trapped.
而且，你知道，有时候明明不该笑，却突然笑出声来。
And, you know, when, like, you're not supposed to laugh, but then you start laughing.
然后不知怎么的，你停不下来，但心里知道不该笑的。
And then for some reason, you can't stop, but you know you shouldn't be laughing.
这正是发生在我身上的事，只不过换成哭泣。
That's exactly what happened to me, but with crying.
懂了吗？
Okay?
我知道我不该哭的。
I know I, I shouldn't be crying.
11岁的小孩从我身边飞奔而过，他们的父母看我的眼神仿佛在问：为什么这个23岁的女人哭得这么惨？
There are 11 year olds just rushing past me and their parents are looking at me like, why is this 23 year old woman sobbing?
而我那11岁的孩子正像个野人一样冲下山坡，你懂吗？
And my 11 year old is just bombing the hill like a savage, You know?
就像，到底发生了什么？
Like, what is happening?
这个可怜的孩子到底遭遇了什么？
What went wrong for this poor child?
成年的孩子。
Adult child.
出了什么问题？
What went wrong?
问得好。
Good question.
那大概是我人生中最漫长的四十五分钟。
It was one of the longest, I don't know, forty five minutes of my life.
而且每分钟都在变得更糟，因为滑雪坡道丝毫没有变得平缓。
And every minute that went by got worse because the ski hill was not getting any less steep.
事实上，情况恰恰相反。
In fact, the opposite was happening.
坡度变得越来越陡。
It was only getting steeper.
所以每过一分钟，我要继续保持站立、不加速滑行、不摔倒就变得更加困难，我完全崩溃了。
And so with every minute that passes, it was getting harder for me to continue standing, to not start going super fast, to not fall, and I was inconsolable.
鼻涕眼泪糊了一脸。
Snot running down my face, tears running down my face.
你知道，我的膝盖在发抖。
You know, my knees were, like, shaking.
好吗？
Okay?
就在这一刻，我心想，我能从中学到什么？
And in this moment, I'm thinking to myself, what am I gonna learn from this?
你知道吗？
You know?
就像，这真的...这真的能让人成长吗？
Like, is this really like like, is this empowering?
我当时想，直面恐惧，做困难的事。
I was like, facing your fears, doing things that are hard.
在什么时候，挑战自己会变成近乎自我折磨？
At what point is challenging yourself just, like, almost like self abuse?
对吧？
Right?
某种程度上，这算不算是在自我伤害呢？
Like, at what point is it self harm in a way?
我为什么要做这个决定？
Why did I make this decision?
我明知自己不会喜欢，也知道这件事触及了我内心最深处的恐惧。
Like, I knew I wasn't going to like it, and I knew that everything about it tapped into some of my my biggest fears.
我为什么要这么做？
Why am I doing it?
我真的是为了直面恐惧才做的吗？
Am I even doing it to face the fear?
其实不是。
Not really.
我这么做是因为嫉妒那些乐在其中的人。
I'm doing it because I'm jealous of other people who enjoy it.
但我享受这件事的可能性微乎其微。
But, like, my my likelihood, my chances of enjoying this are slim to none.
就像，我所了解的自己的一切都与滑雪的决定相矛盾，但我还是这么做了。
Like, everything I know about myself contradicts the decision to ski, and yet I did it anyway.
为什么呢？
And why?
这次经历会带来任何积极的东西吗？还是说这某种程度上是一种疏忽和自残的行为？
Like, is anything positive gonna come out of this, or was this just sort of an act of negligence and self harm in a way?
你知道的，这种疏忽在于没有关注自己的喜好，仅仅因为嫉妒别人从中获得快乐就去做某件事，而我也希望自己能喜欢。
You know, negligence by not paying attention to myself and what I like and what I don't like and doing something just because I'm jealous that other people find joy in it, and I wish I did too.
这种自我伤害就像是，明明你会讨厌这一切，却还是硬着头皮去做，别再像个孩子一样，顺便学点东西。
And self harm by being like, you're gonna hate all this stuff, but do it anyway and stop being a baby and learn a thing or two along the way.
他妈的直接去做啊，白痴。
Like, just fucking do it, idiot.
某种程度上，就是这种自我伤害。
Like, that kind of sort of self harm in a way.
我记得终于看到终点出现在转角处，从山上往下望见终点时的情景。
I remember seeing the end finally coming around a corner and looking down the mountain and seeing the end.
但在终点前，我面前是山坡最陡峭的一段。
But in front of me before the end was the steepest part of the hill yet.
我几乎不记得滑雪道最后那大约五到十分钟的情形，因为我哭得太厉害了。
I barely even remember the last, like, five, ten minutes of the ski run because I was crying so hard.
但我确实记得滑到山底时那种无比快乐的感觉。
But I do remember getting to the bottom and being so happy.
我当时想，简直不敢相信自己刚刚展现出的那一面。
I was like, I cannot believe the side of myself that just came out.
我无法相信这项运动竟会暴露出我如此脆弱的一面。
Like, I cannot believe what a weakness this, you know, brought out in me.
我自认为是个在大多数情况下都能保持镇定的人。
I'm somebody who, I would say, is really good at staying composed for the most part.
虽然我天性容易焦虑，但面对混乱时，我对自己保持冷静的能力其实相当自豪。
I think when faced with chaos, despite being a really anxious person by nature, I am actually quite proud of my ability to stay level headed.
我觉得自己保持冷静主要是为了照顾他人的感受。
I feel like I keep my cool mainly for the sake of other people.
对吧？
Right?
比如，当混乱已经发生或尚未发生时，我不想因为自己的混乱给别人添麻烦，也不想破坏气氛。
Like, I don't wanna burden other people with my own chaos when chaos is already happening or when chaos is not happening, and I just don't want to damper the mood.
对吧？
Right?
听着，
Like, listen.
生活中有些时刻，我们需要爆发。
There are moments in in life when when we need to explode.
对吧？
Right?
有时候这是必要的。
And sometimes that's necessary.
但大多数时候，我喜欢保持冷静。
But for the most part, I like to keep it cool.
不是因为我想耍酷，而是我认为保持冷静、用力量、优雅和成熟来处理事情是一种健康的生活态度。
Not because I'm trying to be cool, but just because I think it's a healthy approach to try to keep it together and handle things with strength and grace and maturity.
我觉得在大多数情况下，我确实做到了这一点。
And I feel like for the most part, I do that.
这是我非常自豪的一点，但在滑雪坡上这些全都他妈见鬼去了。
And that's something that I'm really proud of, but that all went out the fucking window on the ski hill.
明白吗？
Okay?
这一切都被抛到九霄云外了。
That all went out the window.
所有的优雅、所有的得体、所有的成熟都他妈见鬼去了。
All the grace, all the tact, all the maturity fucking out the window.
说实话，我当时简直无地自容。
And to be honest, I was completely mortified.
我当时觉得自己就是个可悲的巨婴。
I was like, I am a pathetic baby.
我不过是滑下了滑雪坡而已。
Like, all I did was go down the ski hill.
这他妈到底是怎么回事？
What the fuck is going on?
故事差不多就这样结束了。
And that's kinda where the story ends.
你懂吗？
You know?
我立刻卸下所有装备扔进车里，以最快速度逃离那个该死的滑雪场。
I took off all my equipment immediately after, threw it in the car, and drove as fast as I could away from that goddamn ski mount.
明白吗？
Okay?
我回到我们合住的房子，把这事讲给大家听。
And I went back to the house that we were all staying in, and I told everyone my story.
我们都笑成一团，之后我就忘了这事——直到今天吃酸奶碗时才想起来。
We all had a laugh about it, and then I forgot until today when I was eating my yogurt bowl.
而且，你知道，我还在试图搞清楚我从这件事中学到了什么。
And, you know, I'm still sort of trying to figure out what I learned from this.
我现在还不太确定。
I'm not quite sure yet.
但这件事带来的一个直接好处是，我肯定再也不会去滑雪了。
But one positive that came out of it immediately was I'm definitely never gonna go skiing again.
而且我不认为这一定是件消极或悲观的事。
And I don't think that that's necessarily like a negative thing or a pessimistic thing.
并不是说我讨厌它，再也不会去做了。
It's not like I hate it, and I'm never doing it again.
很明显我不喜欢这个。
It's clear that I don't like it.
对吧？
Right?
而且我觉得没必要强迫自己去喜欢上它。
And I don't think that there's a reason to try to force myself to get to a point where I do like it.
我很高兴尝试了滑雪，并逼自己到极限试图喜欢上它，因为这让我明白自己真的不喜欢。
I'm glad that I tried it, and I pushed myself to the limit to try to like it because it showed me that I really don't like it.
这某种程度上是一种解脱，因为未来我不会再看着别人滑雪或单板滑雪时感叹‘天啊’。
And there is sort of something freeing about that because now in the future, I'm not gonna look at other people skiing and snowboarding and say, oh my god.
比如‘真希望我也能和他们一起玩’。
Like, I wish I was out there with them.
你懂吗？
You know?
我希望我能…我想试试。
I wish I could I I wanna try it.
也许我该试试。
Maybe I should try it.
也许我该学学。
Maybe I should learn.
也许我会去学。
Maybe I'm gonna learn.
不。
No.
我不会。
I'm not.
你知道吗？
And you know what?
这没关系。
That's okay.
这没关系。
That is okay.
我仍然对那些享受并热爱滑雪的人有些羡慕。
And I do still have a bit of envy for people who enjoy it and love it.
但也有一些我享受和热爱的事物是别人不喜欢也不爱的，而他们希望自己能喜欢上这些。
But there's also things that I enjoy and I love that other people don't enjoy and don't love, and they wish that they enjoyed and loved it.
比如，我热爱高温瑜伽。
Like, I love hot yoga.
好吗？
Okay?
我他妈爱死它了。
I fucking love it.
我现在简直对它着迷。
I'm, like, obsessed with it right now.
很多人对滑雪和热瑜伽有着相同的反应。
There are so many people that have the same response to skiing to hot yoga.
而我却热爱它。
Meanwhile, I love it.
我热爱这种挑战。
I love the challenge.
我的身体喜欢这样。
My body likes it.
我从小就一直在练啦啦队和体操。
I've been doing, you know, cheerleading and gymnastics since I was young.
所以我的身体柔韧性相对好一些。
So I, like, am a bit more flexible.
我的身体就是适应这种运动，我能理解它，它也很适合我。
Like, my body just likes it, and I I get it, and it works for me.
你懂吗？
You know?
但有很多人愿意付出一切代价来尝试这项运动。
But there are so many people that, like, would do anything to be able to do it.
所以我想，这次经历带来的一个积极顿悟就是放下了非要参与的执念，同时也开始思考未来——
And they so it's like, I guess, one positive epiphany that came from the experience was kinda letting go of the desire to participate in that, but also, like, considering in the future, like, hey.
凡事都值得尝试一次。
It's good to try everything once.
对吧？
Right?
我很庆幸自己尝试了滑雪。
And I'm glad I did that with skiing.
但我不知道。
But I don't know.
就像，也可以说，你知道吗？
Like, it's also okay to be like, you know what?
我不想尝试那个，因为我了解自己，我知道我会讨厌它。
I don't wanna try that because I know myself, and I know I'll hate it.
我不知道。
I don't know.
我还在摸索中。
I'm still figuring it out.
总之，伙计们，我我不知道。
Anyway, you guys, I I don't know.
好吗？
Okay?
告诉我你们觉得我从中学到了什么。
Tell me what you think I learned from this.
你们觉得我从中学到了什么？
What do you think I learned from this?
也许我什么都没学到，但也许经历这件事本身让我内心建立了一点自信。
Maybe I learned nothing, but maybe the fact that I got through it helped build a little bit of self esteem inside of me.
不过也可能没有。
Maybe it didn't, though.
我不知道。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I don't know.
我不知道。
I don't know.
总之，这就是我那次尴尬的滑雪故事。
Anyway, so that's my mortifying skiing story.
故事的寓意是我再也不会滑雪了，但我还是会去滑雪场，因为我喜欢在那里消磨时光。
Moral of the story is I'm never skiing again ever, but I will be returning to a ski mountain because I do love hanging out at a ski mountain.
所以你会在滑雪小镇看到我逛街购物，但绝不会再看到我坐滑雪缆车。
So you will catch me shopping around in the little ski town, but you will not catch me on the ski lift ever again.
我希望我能坐在这里告诉你们，要直面恐惧，因为这会让你的生活变得更好。
I wish that I could sit here and say, you guys face your fears because it will make your life so much better.
但我不能对所有事情都这么说。
But I can't say that about everything.
你知道，比如我可以对害怕坐飞机的人这么说。
You know, I could say that about, you know, having a fear of flying in planes.
对吧？
Right?
就像，我超级害怕坐飞机。
Like, I'm so frightened of flying in planes.
然而，对我个人而言，为了我的事业，为了我人生中的冒险精神，坐该死的飞机去旅行太重要了。
However, it's so important for me as a person, for my career, and for my own sense of adventure in this life to get on a goddamn plane and travel.
所以我强迫自己无论如何都要去做，直面那个恐惧。
So I push myself to do it anyway, and I face that fear.
这在某种程度上是种赋能。
And that is sort of somewhat empowering.
在短暂的时间里，它确实能稍微缓解恐惧。
And for brief periods, it actually does sort of help alleviate the fear.
但我注意到，至少对我害怕飞行这件事来说，恐惧感确实会卷土重来。
But I've noticed, at least with, say, my fear of flying, the fear does come back.
所以这就像一场持续的战斗。
So it's sort of this constant battle.
也许有一天我能克服它。
And maybe I'll get over it one day.
很可能会的。
I probably will.
但目前而言，这仍是场较量。
But right now, it's sort of a battle.
明白吗？
Okay?
但我一直直面那个恐惧，因为这是我必须做的。
But I face that fear all the time because it's crucial that I do.
面对滑雪的恐惧，我不太确定从中获得了什么。
Facing the fear of skiing, I'm not quite sure what I gained from it.
所以，是的，我没有什么美好的主题或人生哲理可以分享给你。
So, yeah, I don't have some sort of, like, beautiful theme for you, beautiful life lesson for you.
我只有一个关于我在滑雪坡上哭泣的尴尬故事，这就是我今天能分享的全部了。
I just have an embarrassing story about me crying on the ski hill, and that's all I have for today.
但你知道吗？
But you know what?
今年开始时我处于一个非常脆弱低谷的状态。
I started the year at such a low vulnerable point.
老兄，情况总该好转了吧。
Man, like, things better be looking up.
也许我选择在新年伊始释放所有的软弱、恐惧和不成熟，这样在剩下的日子里，我就能成为一个该死的狠角色。
Maybe I started my year releasing all of my weakness and fear and perhaps immaturity so that for the rest of the year, I could be a fucking baddie.
可以吗？
K?
我可以成为一个狠角色，成熟优雅且机智地处理事情。
I could be a badass and handle things with grace and tact in maturity.
哦，现在我又想起今年其他几次精神崩溃的时刻了，看来这个计划没奏效。
Oh, now I'm remembering all the other times I've had a mental breakdown already this year, so I don't think that that worked out.
总之，今天就到这里吧。
Anyway, that's all I have for today.
好吗？
Okay?
就这样。
That's it.
如果你还想从我这里得到更多，那太遗憾了。
If you wanted more from me, too bad.
这就是你今天能得到的全部。
That's what you get today.
嘿。
Hey.
你知道吗？
You know what?
希望大家喜欢这个故事。
I hope you all enjoyed this story.
如果喜欢的话，每周四和周日记得收听《Anything Goes》，所有播客平台都能找到，想看视频版的话可以在Spotify和YouTube上观看我的节目。
And if you did, tune in to Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, available anywhere you stream podcasts and available with video on Spotify and YouTube if you wanna watch me talk.
在社交媒体上关注'Anything Goes'的'Anything Goes'账号。
Follow anything goes on social media at anything goes.
在社交媒体上以Emma Chamberlain的名字关注我个人。
Follow me as a person on social media at Emma Chamberlain.
关注我的公司Chamberlain Coffee，账号是Chamberlain Coffee，在线购买请访问chamberlaincoffee.com，实体店可在Sprouts、Whole Foods、Target等商超找到Chamberlain Coffee产品。
Follow my company, Chamberlain Coffee at Chamberlain Coffee, and find Chamberlain Coffee online at chamberlaincoffee.com and find Chamberlain Coffee in stores in Sprouts, Whole Foods, Target, and more.
好的。
Okay.
就这样。
That's it.
就这样。
That's it.
我要去洗我的酸奶碗了。
I'm gonna go wash my yogurt bowl.
酸奶已经泡了一会儿，所以不会结硬块了。
The yogurt's been soaking for a little bit, so it's not gonna be crispy.
会很好洗的。
It's gonna be great.
我直接冲一下就行。
I'm just gonna rinse that thing out.
可能会放进洗碗机。
Probably put it in the dishwasher.
其实我不打算手洗了。
Actually, I'm not gonna hand wash it.
我为什么要那么做？
Why would I do that?
洗碗机就是干这个用的。
That is what a dishwasher is for.
待会儿再聊。
I'll talk to you all later.
我爱你们。
I love you all.
感谢大家，再见。
I appreciate you all, and goodbye.
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