关系改变着我们

在我年轻的时候，我对于选择与谁建立关系并不十分深思熟虑。我想这是因为我没有真正理解作为人类，我们为何需要人际关系。当我反思自己的关系时，我只会简单地问自己：我们在一起开心吗？他们长得好看吗？我喜欢和他们接吻的感觉吗？

When I was younger, I wasn't very thoughtful or intentional about who I shared relationships with. I think because I didn't have a firm grasp on why we even have relationships as human beings. When I would reflect on my relationships, I'd simply ask myself, are we having fun together? Are they hot? Do I like when we kiss?

你知道吗？差不多就是这样。而现在，我开始更清楚地认识到人际关系的意义。最好的关系是双方成长的绝佳催化剂，这差不多就是全部意义所在。

You know? Like, that was it. Whereas now, I'm starting to develop a firmer grasp on what the point of relationships are. Relationships at their best are incredible catalysts for growth for both people involved. That's kinda the whole point.

如果没有这种成长，那基本上就是在浪费时间和精力。我知道你在想什么——艾玛，这听起来太苛刻了。其实并非如此，因为成长并不总是需要那么明显、张扬、显而易见。我们想到明显的成长，就会想到那种每天都要相互对峙的关系，比如对对方说：嘿。

And if that's not happening, it's kind of a waste of time and energy. And I know what you're thinking. Emma, that sounds harsh. It's actually not because growth doesn't always need to be this obvious, loud, apparent thing. We think of obvious growth, and we think of a relationship where on a daily basis, you know, you're confronting one another and saying, hey.

你这件事做错了，你需要做得更好。然后第二天又对伴侣说：嘿，你这件事做错了，你需要改进。我想，这就是那种张扬明显的成长型关系吧。但关系中的成长可以非常微妙，同时依然美丽且影响深远。

You did this wrong, and you need to be better. And then the next day, you're saying to the person you're in a relationship, hey. You you need you did this wrong, and you need to be better. That's, like, the loud obvious sort of growth relationship, I guess. Growth in relationships can be incredibly subtle and still be really beautiful and impactful.

哪怕只是养成伴侣拥有的一个健康习惯，也可以算是关系中的成长。如果完全没有这种成长，我认为这就不是一段好的关系。我的意思是，我们生活中确实有一些边缘性的人，他们不帮助我们成长，我们也不帮助他们成长，但这没关系，因为他们不在你的核心圈子里。我指的是那些构成你社交基础、处于你生活核心的关系。

Even just adopting a healthy habit that someone that you're in a relationship with has can be an example of growth in a relationship. If there's none of that happening, I don't think it's a good relationship. I mean, there are people in our lives who are sort of in the peripheral who don't really help us grow, and we don't really help them grow. But that's fine because that's not someone in your circle. I'm talking about the relationships that are at the core of your life that build your social foundation.

这些关系应该以成长为根基，至少我是这么认为的。我简短打断本期节目，告诉大家本期《随心所欲》由沃尔玛赞助播出。夏天回来了，宝贝，这意味着全新的衣橱。幸运的是，你可以在沃尔玛找到符合你品味的潮流单品，而且价格更实惠。对我来说，夏天就是简约与舒适，因为温暖的天气只有在穿着得体时才会令人愉悦。

Those relationships should be rooted in growth, at least I think. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode of Anything Goes is presented by Walmart. Summer's back, baby, which means a whole new wardrobe. Thankfully, you can find trends that speak to you for less at Walmart. You know, for me, summer is about simplicity and comfort because warm weather is pleasant, but only if you dress properly for it.

所以整个夏天我都试图穿着既透气又可爱的衣服。从休闲聚会到度假旅行，沃尔玛是你置办所有夏季单品的好去处。想想别致的镂空风格、飘逸的连衣裙、时尚女孩鞋款、鲜艳的色彩等等。请访问walmart.com/trends选购最热门的夏季潮流和新品。就是沃尔玛官网斜杠trends。

So I'm trying to wear breathable but cute clothing all summer long. From casual hangs to vacation, Walmart's the place to find all your summer pieces. Think chic eyelet styles, breezy dresses, it girl shoes, vibrant colors, and more. Shop the hottest summer trends and new drops at walmart.com/trends. That's Walmart dot com slash trends.

现在回到这一集。我知道我们很多人都想为自己的成长负责。我们不想依赖他人，但我们是社会性动物。我们不可避免地会与他人建立关系，而这些关系将改变我们作为人的本质。这些关系应该推动我们成为更好的自己，反之亦然。

Now back to the episode. I know that a lot of us wanna be responsible for our own growth. We don't wanna rely on other people, but we are social animals. We inevitably are gonna have relationships with other people, and those relationships are going to alter who we are as people. They should be pushing us to be better versions of ourselves and vice versa.

我指的是所有关系。各种类型的关系都能以多种不同方式成为成长的催化剂。当你们处于相互欣赏的关系中时，你们双方积极的习惯和特质都会开始缓慢但确定地相互影响。当你看到朋友以极大的善意对待每个人时，你也会想要开始这样做。当你看到朋友这样做时，很容易就会随大流开始和他们一起做。

I'm talking about all relationships. There are so many different ways that all types of relationships can be catalysts for growth. When you're in a relationship where there's mutual admiration, both of your positive habits and traits are gonna start to slowly but surely rub off on each other. When you see your friend treat everyone with overwhelming kindness, you're gonna wanna start to do that too. When you see your friend doing that, it's easy to just hop on the bandwagon and start doing it with them.

这比作为一个可能有点冷漠、有点封闭的人，然后突然某天醒来开始对每个人都特别友好要舒服得多。那样可能会感觉有点奇怪、勉强，而且奇怪地脆弱。如果你的朋友也在这样做，会让你感觉更安全。所以这不仅激励你去尝试，而且现在你有人一起做了。另一个例子，如果你正在约会一个早起且超级高效的人，就像一个能搞定事情的人，那很可能会开始影响你。

That feels much more comfortable than being somebody who maybe is a bit more cold, a bit more closed off, and then all of a sudden one day wake up and start being really nice to everyone. That can feel kinda weird and forced and oddly vulnerable. If your friend is doing it too, it makes it feel safer. So not only does it inspire you to try, but also now you have someone to do it with. Another example, if you're dating somebody who wakes up early and is super productive, like somebody who just gets their shit done, there's a good chance that that'll start to rub off on you.

我认为'你是你所交往的人的缩影'这句话有点被过度使用，以至于我们很多人听到时都会想说，闭嘴。他妈闭嘴。就像，谁在乎？但这是真的。它比我们意识到的还要真实。

I think the quote, you are who you surround yourself with, is a bit overused to the point where a lot of us hear it and are like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Like, who cares? But it is true. It's truer than we than we realize.

我不知道。在我生命中有过一些时候，我与一些我不一定欣赏的人有过密切的关系。回想起来，我认为甚至在我没有意识到的情况下，他们的一些更负面的特质影响了我。尽管我某种程度上意识到并且明白我并不真正欣赏他们，我想，好吧，那是他们的生活，那些是他们的习惯，那些是他们的特质。就像，那不是我的问题。

I don't know. There there's been times in my life where I I've had close relationships with people who I didn't necessarily admire. And in retrospect, I think that without me even realizing it, some of their more negative traits rubbed off on me. Even though I was kind of aware and in touch with the fact that I didn't really admire them, I thought, well, that's their life, and those are their habits, and those are their traits. Like, that's not my problem.

但它实际上确实成了我的问题，甚至在我没有意识到的情况下。很多影响是微妙的。我们是我们所交往的人的缩影。所以你想要与你欣赏的人交往，因为那样你会变得有点像他们。这是一种不可思议的成长方式。

But it actually did become my problem without me even realizing it. A lot of it's subtle. We are who we surround ourselves with. So you wanna surround yourself with people who you admire because then you'll become a little bit more like them. And that's an incredible way to grow.

关系也可以通过对抗成为成长的催化剂。如果你与某人处于健康的关系中，他们应该能够指出你的问题，反之亦然。但为了被指出问题，与你建立关系的人必须，第一，感到足够舒适才能提出；第二，尊重你和这段关系，愿意将自己置于可能对抗你的不舒服境地。同样，反之亦然。

Relationships can also be a catalyst for growth through confrontation. If you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, they should be able to call you out on your bullshit and vice versa. But in order to be called out on your bullshit, the person you're in a relationship with has to, number one, feel comfortable enough with you to bring it up. But number two, respect you and the relationship enough to put themselves in an uncomfortable position where they can confront you. And, again, vice versa.

在感情关系中，这一点对你同样适用。被人指出缺点并没有什么不好。这对个人成长非常重要，因为我们经常自省，或者至少理想状态下应该如此。但总有些事情是我们自己注意不到的。有些领域可能我们自己不太了解，而关系中的人更清楚，能够告诉你哪里做错了。

The same thing goes for you in the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being confronted on your shortcomings. Like, that is so important for personal growth because we do a lot of checks on ourselves all the time, or at least we ideally should be. But there are things that we miss. There are certain areas that maybe we don't understand as much that somebody were in a relationship understands more and can say, this is what you're doing wrong.

为什么这是错的，以及如何改正。我认为关系也有助于成长，因为健康的关系能给你生活带来根基感。它给你一种社群感和舒适感。当生活中有这样的基础时，成长会更容易，因为个人成长是一种极其脆弱、赤裸的体验。如果你生活中没有根基，没有社群感，没有安全感，成长就会变得更困难。

This is why it's wrong, and this is how you can fix it. I think relationships can also help with growth because being in healthy relationships gives you a sense of foundation in your life. It gives you a sense of community, comfort. And when you have that sort of foundation in your life, it's easier to grow because growing as a person is an incredibly vulnerable, raw sort of experience. And I think if you don't have foundation in your life, if you don't have a sense of community, if you don't have a sense of safety, it makes it harder to grow.

我举个例子。在我生命中很多时候，与父母的关系让我得以成长，而不是在人生艰难时刻停滞不前。当我经历最初几次非常痛苦的分手时，我内心强烈挣扎着想要回到前任身边，尽管他们对我很不好。在那些时刻，我面临选择：要么通过不回头、保持坚强、处理悲伤并向前迈进 greener pastures 来成长。

I'll I'll give an example of this. There have been so many times in my life where my relationship with my parents has allowed me to grow instead of remaining stagnant during a challenging moment in my life. When I was going through some of my first few really challenging breakups, something that I struggled with so viscerally was wanting to go back to my ex even though they were really bad for me. And I was faced in those moments with with a choice. I'm either going to grow through this experience by not going back to them and by instead remaining strong, dealing with the grief, and just moving forward to to greener pastures.

要么停滞不前，回到他们身边，重新开始整个负面循环。正因为与父母的关系，因为他们支持我、开导我，因为我感受到他们的爱，我才能通过那段经历成长，而不是停滞不前回到前任身边。明白我的意思吗？当你有支持系统在身边时，应对挑战、做出促进成长的正确决定就会容易得多。关系不总是直接迫使你成长，但有时健康关系的存在就能帮助你在关系之外的领域成长，如果这说得通的话。

Or I could remain stagnant and and go back to them and start the whole negative cycle over again with that person. Because of my relationship with my parents and because they were there to support me and talk me through it and because I felt love from them, I was able to grow through that experience instead of remaining stagnant and going back to my exes. Do you see what I'm saying? It's it's just so much easier to handle challenges and make the right decisions that are growth decisions when you have a support system around you. It's not necessarily relationships are always directly forcing you to grow, but sometimes just the presence of healthy relationships can help you grow in other areas outside of the relationships themselves, if that makes sense.

我还认为关系中的冲突也能促进成长，比如加强你们之间的纽带，也包括一般的个人成长。冲突真正考验每个参与者。自我会卷入其中，有时会有愤怒情绪，你可以选择是否沉溺其中，这很有挑战性。

I also think too conflict in relationships can cause growth, like a stronger bond between the two of you, but also just growth in general. Conflict really tests everyone involved. You know? Ego gets involved. There's rage and anger at times, which you have the option to lean into or not, and that's really challenging.

有时你必须承认自己错了。有时你必须诚实面对，用让你非常不舒服的方式对抗。冲突是成长的绝佳机会。我甚至不是那种在争论中特别争强好胜或自我中心的人。别误会。

Sometimes you have to admit you're wrong. Sometimes you have to be honest and confront in a way that's super uncomfortable for you. Like, conflict is an incredible opportunity to grow. I'm not even somebody who I feel like is particularly competitive or egotistical when it comes to argument. Like, don't get me wrong.

我确实有自己的...我的自我有时在某些方面会显现。我可能有时会有自恋特质。肯定有时候会。我是人嘛，但在争论中我并不特别自我或自恋。我总是第一个承认错误的人。

I I have my own like, my ego comes out sometimes in certain areas. I I can be a I have narcissistic traits probably sometimes. You know, definitely sometimes. I'm human, but I'm not particularly egotistical or narcissistic in argument. I am the first one to admit wrongdoing.

如果有人把我叫到一边说，艾玛，你这件事做错了，我会认真倾听，并且会说，天哪，我非常抱歉。谢谢你告诉我。我听到了。当有人直面指出我做错事时，我总是心怀感激。

If somebody sits me down and says, Emma, you did this wrong, I am I am there to listen, and I'm there to say, oh my god. I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling me. I heard you. I'm always grateful when somebody confronts me and tells me I'm doing something wrong.

但即使是我——一个自认为真正擅长处理对抗、批评之类事情的人——有时在争论中也会发现自己想要降低到低于自己道德准则的水平，如果你明白我的意思。这听起来可能不太合理，但也许确实如此。我就是想降低姿态。我不知道。有时候可能是我的自尊心受到了一点伤害，或者我对对方的沟通方式感到沮丧。

But even I sometimes, someone who I consider to be genuinely good at handling confrontation and criticism and things like that, even I sometimes in an argument will find myself wanting to stoop to a level below my own moral compass, if you will. That doesn't really make any sense, but maybe it did. I I wanna stoop low. I don't know. Sometimes maybe a little piece my ego gets bruised or, like, I'm frustrated with the with the way that the other person's communicating.

这会触发我内心的某种东西，即使是我也会被诱惑不以令人钦佩的方式处理事情。但在一段安全的关系中，你可以有这些冲突。如果每个人都能以道德上健全的方式处理事情，你们最终都能成为更强大、更优秀、更擅长处理人际复杂性的人，而且关系会更亲密。这最终是净收益。它可以是一个净收益。

And something will get triggered in me, and even I will get tempted to not handle things admirably. But within the safety of a relationship, you can have those conflicts. And if everybody handles things in a way that is morally sound, you can come out the other end both stronger, better people who are better at handling complexities between human beings, and the relationship is closer. It is ultimately a net positive. It can be a net positive.

在当时，这很糟糕。你知道吗？但它有变得美好的潜力。我也认为我们的关系可以是一面镜子。我记得有人告诉过我这一点。

In the moment, it sucks. You know? But it there is potential for it to be wonderful. I also think too that our relationships can be a mirror. I I remember someone telling me that.

也许是我小时候我爸爸说的，但我记得听过这样一种概念：与你建立关系的人就像一面镜子。直到我开始更批判性地看待我生活中的关系，并开始选择更高质量的关系来投入时间时，我才真正体会到这句话有多真实。当你与你真正尊重的人共度时光时，你会开始通过他们的眼睛看自己。如果你尊重并钦佩他们，这真的会让你想变得更好。如果你观察他们看待世界的方式并思考，哇。

Perhaps it was my dad when I was younger, but I remember hearing this sort of concept of, like, the people you're in relationships with are like a mirror. It didn't really click with me until I started being more critical of the relationships in my life, and I started choosing higher quality relationships to dedicate my time to where I really realized how true this is. When you spend time with somebody you truly respect, you start to see yourself through their eyes. And if you respect and admire them, it will truly make you wanna be better. If you look at the way that they look at the world and think, like, wow.

你知道吗？那是一种与我的视角如此不同，却又如此美丽的视角。然后你接着审视自己，你自然会想，他们是怎么看我的？这就像是一种自然而然掠过你脑海的想法。仅仅通过把他们当作一面镜子，你可能最终会看到自己的缺点。

You know? That's such a different perspective from mine, but such a beautiful perspective. And then you proceed to perceive yourself, you naturally will then wonder, like, how do they see me? It's just sort of like a natural thought that crosses your mind. You might end up seeing your own shortcomings just from using them as sort of a mirror.

他们甚至不需要直面你。他们甚至不需要——他们可能甚至没有注意到这些缺点。但通过把他们当作一面镜子，你能够发现那些东西。我记得我第一次有这种感觉是在一段恋爱关系中。

They don't even have to confront you. They don't even have to they might not even notice these shortcomings. But using them as a mirror, you're able to discover those things. I remember the first time I felt this way. It was in a romantic relationship.

我记得，我几乎要崩溃了，独自一人哭泣抽泣，因为我自然而然地通过新伴侣的眼睛来看待自己——因为我们刚开始约会什么的，花了很多时间在一起。我真正从一个不同的角度看到了自己。这意味着看到了自己身上一些美好的特质，那个和我约会的人似乎真的很喜欢这些，这算是一种情感体验。但同时也意识到了一些我以前从未哪怕稍微意识到的缺点。这是健康关系中非常自然地发生的事情，绝对能激发成长。

I remember, like, almost having, like, a meltdown, like, on my own, crying and sobbing because I was perceiving myself through my new partner's eyes just naturally because I had been spending a lot of time with them because we just started dating or whatever. And I truly saw myself in a different light. And that meant seeing some beautiful things about myself that the person I was dating seemed to really like about me, and that was sort of an emotional experience. But then also becoming aware of certain shortcomings that I I I had never even remotely been aware of before. It's a very interesting thing that happens very naturally in healthy relationships that can absolutely inspire growth.

最后但同样重要的是，我认为关系让你接触到那些你原本绝不会有的想法和观念，在某种程度上拓展你的思维和视角。我们都有如此不同的经历。我们都见过如此不同的事物。我们都被以如此独特不同的方式塑造，所以当我们聚在一起分享，你知道，我们的观点时，我们能够通过交谈来拓宽彼此的视野。这是一件美丽、奇妙、惊人的事情，也是一种极好的成长方式。

And last but not least, I think relationships expose you to thoughts and ideas that you never would have had organically, expanding your mind and your perspective in a way. We've all had such different experiences. We've all seen such different things. We've all been wired in such unique different ways that when we come together and share, you know, our perspectives, we're able to widen each other's perspective through, you know, just talking. It's a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing, and it's it's a wonderful way to grow.

如果所有关系都这样运作，那将是非常田园诗般的。就像，两个人走到一起，他们经常在一起，然后每个人都在成长，这太棒了。就像，天啊。每个人都在成长。这太棒了。

Now it would be very idyllic if this is how all relationships worked. Like, two people come together and they hang out a lot, and then everyone's growing, and it's so awesome. Like, oh my god. Everyone's growing. This is so awesome.

但不幸的是，或者也许不是不幸，而是更现实地说，关系是极其复杂的，并且大部分时候并不是美妙无缝的成长催化剂。它比那要复杂得多，也笨拙得多。是的，我刚才提到的所有事情都有可能发生在关系中，但这并非保证。你也可能在关系的某些方面成长，而在其他方面却有些 toxic（有毒）。就像，每一段关系都有其自身的复杂性。

But unfortunately or maybe not unfortunately, but more realistically, relationships are deeply complex, and a good portion of the time are not wonderful seamless catalysts for growth. It's much more complicated and much more clunky than that. Like, yes, all of the things that I just mentioned can potentially happen in relationships, but it's not guaranteed. You also might have certain areas where you grow in a relationship and then other areas that are kinda toxic. Like, every single relationship has its own complexity.

因此，尽管关系是美妙的成长催化剂，它们也可能不是。根据我的经验，为了让关系达到其最健康的状态，让成长无缝发生，我会说关系中的每个人都需要具备：第一，相当的自尊心。第二，相当的独立性，或者更确切地说，缺乏对另一个人的相互依赖。相当的生活应对技巧，一种生活中的满足感，或者一种正在努力实现满足的感觉。最后，但也许还有更多我一时想不起来的，一套相对清晰的道德观、价值观、优先事项、目标感和人生目标。

And so as much as relationships are wonderful catalysts for growth, they also might not be. In my experience, in order for relationships to be at their maximum level of health where growth is seamless, I'd say everyone involved in the relationship needs to have, number one, a decent sense of self esteem. Number two, a decent sense of independence, or more so a lack of codependence on the other person. Decent coping skills in life, a feeling of fulfillment in their lives, or a sense of working towards fulfillment. And lastly, but maybe there's more that I just can't think of, a somewhat clear set of morals, values, priorities, purpose, and goals.

所以，为了让关系中的每个人都能拥有无缝的成长体验，你所需要的仅仅是所有那些真正、真正难以达成或拥有的东西。我们都在不断地努力去获得所有那些东西的感觉，这是一个持续的旅程。所以很自然，关系将会复杂得多，因为那种完美的关系很少存在。现在我发现了，当成长没有发生时，通常会有别的东西来取代它。明白吗？

So all you need in order for there to be a seamless growth experience with everybody in a relationship is just all of those things that are really, really challenging to accomplish or to have. We're all constantly working towards having a sense of all of those things, and it's an ongoing journey. So naturally, relationships are gonna be much more complicated because the sort of perfect relationship, it rarely exists. Now what I've discovered is that when growth isn't happening, there's usually something that comes in to replace it. Okay?

成长是积极的改变。明白吗？因为成长是成为你一直可以成为的那个人。就像，我认为成长是成为一个更好的自己，但它就在你之内。你并不是变成别人。

Growth is positive change. Okay? Because growth is becoming the person that you always could be. Like, I think of growth as becoming a better version of yourself, but it's in you. You're not changing into somebody else.

你正在成长为更好的自己。我认为这就是成长。而对我来说，改变是变成你不是的人，或是变成不需要存在的更糟糕的自己。你明白我的意思吗？就像，这是负面的。

You're you're growing into a better version of yourself. That's what I think growth is. Whereas change to me is becoming someone that you're not or becoming a worse version of yourself that doesn't need to exist. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's it's negative.

负面的改变。我的意思是，我想你可以争辩说你可能某种程度上退步成更糟糕的自己，但那不一定是改变，因为那仍然是你的一部分。如果你在关系中不成长，那么很有可能你正在退步。关系中退步是如何发生的呢？就像你能快速吸收他人的积极特质和习惯一样，你也能快速吸收他们的消极特质和习惯。

Negative change. I mean, I guess you could argue that you could sort of regress into a worse version of yourself, and that's not necessarily changed because that's still in you. If you're not growing in relationships, there's a really decent chance that you're regressing. Now how does regression happen in relationships? Well, just as quickly as you can pick up people's positive traits and habits, you can also pick up their negative traits and habits.

比如，举个例子，如果你的朋友很爱说闲话，比你爱说得多得多。一开始，你会觉得，哦，没关系。我不太欣赏我朋友这么爱说闲话。这有点超出我的舒适范围，但你知道吗？那是他们的事，而且，你知道，我们周末出去玩、聚会时很开心，所以我就随它去吧。

Like, an example would be if your friend gossips a lot, much more than you. And at first, you're like, oh, it's fine. Like, I don't really admire how much my friend gossips. Like, it's a little bit too much for my comfort level, but you know what? That's them, and, you know, we have fun together when we go out and we, you know, party on the weekends, so I'm just gonna let it slide.

不知不觉中，友谊维持两年后，你说闲话的程度已经和他们一样了。另一个例子，假设你正在和一个倾向于懒惰的人约会，起床晚，工作不能按时完成，不运动，比如从不散步，你知道，经常坐着，这对任何人的身体都不好。你可能一开始，你知道，开始和这个人约会时会想，哦，你知道吗？我是个相当高效的人。我有让我感觉良好的日常习惯。

Next thing you know, two years into the friendship, you're gossiping just as much as they are. Another example, let's say you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, gets up late, doesn't get their work done on time, doesn't move their body, like, doesn't go for a walk ever, you know, sits around a lot, that doesn't make anyone feel good physically. You might first, you know, start dating this person and think like, oh, you know what? I I'm a pretty productive person. You know, I have my routine of what makes me feel good.

所以，你知道，我想我可以接受这一点，我们会没事的。你明白我的意思吗？嗯，如果你的另一半没有迎头赶上并匹配你的日常习惯，那么很有可能你会开始匹配他们的习惯。不知不觉中，你就养成了那个坏习惯。还有很多情况是，你与之有关系的人，再次强调，无论是柏拉图式还是浪漫关系，所有这些都包括柏拉图式和浪漫关系，他们会说服你他们所做的是对的，你也应该这样做。

And so, you know, I I think I can accept this and and we'll be we'll be fine. You know what I mean? Well, if your significant other doesn't rise to the occasion and match your routine, there's a decent chance that you're gonna start matching theirs. And next thing you know, you've developed that bad habit. And there are also a lot of instances where the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, all of this is platonic or romantic, they will convince you that what they're doing is right and that you should do it too.

比如，举个例子，关于那个很爱说闲话的朋友，你的朋友可能会说，说闲话是健康的。就像，我只是在分析人。顺便说一句，我真的说过这话，因为我是一个喜欢偶尔说点闲话的人，正努力改进，不以一种...我试图保持得体，但，就像，我试图保持道德上合理，但我确实容易说闲话。好吗？我必须，比如，注意这一点，因为我可能成为一个真正的八卦者。

Like, for example, with with the friend who gossips a lot example, your friend might say, gossiping is healthy. Like, I'm just analyzing people. By the way, I've literally said that because I'm somebody who loves a little bit of gossip here and there, Trying to be better about it and not do it in a way that's like I I try to keep it not appropriate, but, like, I try to keep it morally sound, but I definitely am, like, prone to gossip. Okay? And I have to, like, keep an eye on it because I can be a real gossiper.

我认为我们都可以从这一点推断出来，因为我有一个播客，每周我独自对着麦克风说上好几个小时。就像，当然，我喜欢说闲话。你明白我的意思吗？我只是喜欢说话。我认为这才是真正的原因。

And I think that's something that we could all infer by the fact that I have a podcast where I talk into a microphone for hours and hours by myself every week. It's like, of course, I like to gossip. You know what I mean? I just like to talk. I think that's really what it is.

总之，如果你有个朋友比你更能八卦，让你感到不舒服，他们可能会对你说，八卦是无害的。比如，我们又不是当面说别人什么。我们是在分析人。这没什么不对。试图说服你违背自己的道德准则，去参与更多让你不适的八卦。

Anyway, like, if you have a friend who gossips more than you're comfortable with, they might say to you, gossiping is harmless. Like, we're not saying anything to anyone's face. We're analyzing people. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. Convincing you to go against your moral compass and gossip more than you're comfortable with.

或者如果你正在和一个比较懒散的人约会，他们可能会说，等等。宝贝，我知道现在是周日下午，你想去远足或者烤点东西，想做各种有趣的事，但是，我们就整天看这个电视剧吧。如果你不喜欢这样做，这样做并不会让你感觉好。但如果他们说服你，来吧。就像，来吧。不行。

Or if you're dating somebody who's prone to laziness, they might say like, wait. Like, babe, I know it's, like, Sunday afternoon and you wanna go for a hike or bake something and you wanna do all these fun things, but, like, let's just watch this TV show all day. If that's not something that you like to do, it's not gonna make you feel good to do But if they're convincing you, come on. Like, come on. No.

这很有趣。就像，这是周末。他们可能没有恶意，但慢慢地，你确实在吸收他们潜在的负面特质和习惯，而且这个过程可能和吸收积极特质一样快。下一个导致退步的原因是最难察觉的之一。在一段关系中，可能会有发生对抗的时刻。

This is fun. Like, it's the weekend. They might not have evil motives, but slowly but surely, you're picking up on their potentially negative traits and habits, and it can happen just as quick as you can pick up the positive ones. Now this next cause for regression is one of the trickiest to spot. There can be moments in a relationship where confrontation occurs.

明白吗？如果对抗者个人层面正在挣扎，彼此的缺点可能会被武器化。我想我们都倾向于认为，如果有人就某事对抗我们，那是因为那确实是个问题。你懂我的意思吗？但根据对抗者当时的生活状态，对抗可能并不总是准确的，这很棘手。

Okay? And one another's shortcomings might become weaponized if the confronter is struggling on a personal level. Like, I think we all like to assume that if somebody's confronting us about something, it's because it's genuinely an issue. You know what I mean? But depending on what type of place the confronter is in in their life, confrontation might not always be accurate, and that's tricky.

有时真的很难判断，这个人对抗我是因为他们真心想帮我，还是想伤害我的感情。如果他们感到非常没有安全感，并且被一些非理性的事情困扰。原因还有很多。让我给你举些例子。好吗？

It can be really challenging at times to determine if this person is confronting me because they genuinely want to help me or if they wanna hurt my feelings. If they're feeling really insecure and something's bothering them that's sort of irrational. The list goes on. Let me give you some examples. Okay?

假设你的朋友对抗你，说你在大型聚会中活泼外向的表现显得不真诚、很假。因为当你们一对一相处时，你更加冷静和沉稳。你的朋友可能会就此对抗你，说这感觉不真诚，让我很不舒服。我感觉不对劲，我不喜欢这样。明白吗？

Let's say your friend confronts you and says that your bubbly outgoingness in large groups feels ingenuine and fake. Because when you guys hang out one on one, you're much more chill and calm. Your friend might confront you about this and say, this feels ingenuine and it rubs me the wrong way. It feels off to me, and and I don't like it. Okay?

你的朋友可能会对抗你。事实上，我从未被朋友这样对抗过，但我过去确实被一位伴侣这样对抗过。嗯。他们当时说，你在人群中的时候就变了。就像，你变得非常外向和活泼。

Your friend might confront you. In fact, I I've never been confronted about this by a friend, but I have actually been confronted about this by a significant other in the past. Mhmm. They were like, you change when you're in a big group of people. Like, you're really outgoing and bubbly.

当我们独处时，你就像，很放松。所以我就想，为什么你在人群中就像变了个人？这让我很困惑，我当时在想，我是不是很虚伪？当我反思时，我又觉得并不是这样。

And when we're alone, like, you're just, like, chill. So it's like, what why are you, like, turning on for a group of people? It was really confusing to me because I was like, okay. Am I being fake? And when I reflected inward, I was like, not really.

我觉得我在大群体中确实很活泼外向，因为，我不知道，大群体中有种令人兴奋的东西，而且和那些可能不那么亲近的人在一起时，也许我确实会稍微活跃一些，但这并不是虚伪的表现。这很自然，是自动发生的。只是，你知道，在一大群不那么亲密的人面前，你的行为方式会和与伴侣在一起时不同。和伴侣在一起时，你们有熟悉感，可能话题也会少一些。

Like, I think I'm really bubbly and outgoing with people in big groups because, I don't know, there's something about being in a big group that's exciting, and and there's also something about being around people that maybe I'm less close to where I don't know. Maybe I do turn on a little bit, but it's not in a way that's ingenuine. It's just it's it's very organic and automatic. It's just, I don't know, you behave differently in a large group of people that you're not super close with versus with your significant other. Like, with your significant other, you have a sense of familiarity and perhaps there's less to talk about.

因为天天见面，所以令人兴奋的事情也少了。在那段特定关系中，当我被质问这个问题时，我约会对象是个非常安静、冷静的人。就像，我不知道怎么对你活泼外向，因为你很安静。当时，我在社交上真的把自己搞得太紧张，导致我有点封闭自己，这很奇怪，因为我本来是个很外向的人。伴侣的评论让我有点退缩，从而在整体上让我这个人退步了。

There's less to be excited about because you see each other all the time. In the case of that particular relationship when I was confronted about this, the person I was dating was a very chill, quiet person. It's like, I don't know how to be bubbly and outgoing with you because you're quiet. And in the moment, I genuinely psyched myself out so bad socially that it made me sort of shut down, which was weird because I'm somebody who's very outgoing. My partner's comment made me shut down a little bit, thus regressing me as a person overall.

现在回想起来，我很清楚我的伴侣对我说这些话的原因是因为他特别在意自己的社交能力。而我的社交能力稍强一些让他感觉不好。所以他质问我不是因为这真的是个问题，而是因为他自己在这方面有困扰。但让我再举个例子来帮你更清楚地理解。假设你的伴侣质问你说，你和朋友玩得太多了，这样不成熟，对生活中的其他人不公平。

In retrospect, it's very clear to me that the reason why my partner said this to me was because my partner was particularly self conscious about their social skills. And my social skills being a bit more advanced made them feel bad. So they were confronting me on this not because it was actually a real issue, but because they were struggling with that. But let me give another example to really to really paint this picture for you. Let's say your significant other confronts you and says that you hang out with your friends too much and it's immature and unfair to everyone else in your life.

如果你确实和朋友玩得太多，没有合理地分配时间给生活中的每个人，这可能是个合理的抱怨。但也有可能你其实平衡得很好，这个抱怨并非基于事实，而是源于你伴侣对关系的不安全感，对自己的不安全感，以及可能他没有你那么多朋友。就像，可能有点嫉妒在里面。同样，也可能没什么特别原因，只是你的伴侣不开心，就想指责你，某种程度上伤害你的感情，就是为了伤害而伤害。

This might be a fair complaint if you genuinely do hang out with your friends too much and you don't, you know, split your time responsibly with everyone in your life. But there's also a chance that you do actually have a really good balance and that this complaint is not rooted in reality, but rather rooted in your significant others. Again, insecurity about the relationship, insecurity in themselves and the fact that maybe they don't have as many friends as you. Like, there might be a bit of jealousy there. Again, it could be rooted in nothing in particular, just your significant other being unhappy and just wanting to confront you and and sort of hurt your feelings for the sake of hurting your feelings.

谁知道呢？你可能会在生活中做出不必要的调整，从而造成伤害。就拿活泼外向性格的例子来说，当那件事发生在我身上时，我后来就变得有点封闭。每次在社交场合，我都会过度思考每一个举动。这不仅让我自己痛苦，也让我变得不那么有趣。

Who knows? You might make a correction in your life that is unnecessary and thus becomes harmful. In the case of the bubbly outgoing personality example, when that happened to me, I then went into my shell a little bit. Every single time I was in a social situation, I was overthinking every single move. And not only did that make me miserable, but it also made me less fun to be around.

再举个例子，如果你的伴侣说你和朋友玩得太多，但实际上并没有，你可能会开始减少和朋友相处，不必要地损害那些关系。这值得分析，值得关注。我简短打断一下本期节目，告诉大家本期节目由Squarespace赞助。我一直认为，如果你有一个想法，一些你真正在乎的东西，你就应该拥有它，字面意义上的拥有。

And in the example of if, you know, your significant other says, you hang out with your friends too much, but you actually don't, you might start hanging out with your friends less, damaging those relationships unnecessarily. It's worth the analysis. It's worth paying attention to. I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by Squarespace. I've always believed that if you have an idea, like something you really care about, you should own it, literally.

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另一种可能在关系中退步的方式是您的自尊心会下降。如果您没有得到适当的支持和爱，那么您会开始潜意识甚至有意地思考，我有什么问题？为什么他们不能以我需要的方式爱我和支持我？为什么他们对我摇摆不定？为什么我感觉不到他们给我的基础？

Another way that you can potentially regress in relationships is your self esteem can decline. If you're not being properly supported and loved, then you start to think subconsciously or even consciously, what's wrong with me? Why don't they love and support me to the extent that I need it? Why are they wishy washy with me? Why do I not feel like I have a foundation from them?

比如，是我的错吗？所有这些都在潜意识里降低您的自尊，使您不太能够以进化的方式应对生活中出现的挑战。我之前举过一个例子，当我年轻时在各种分手后面临成长机会时。我是回到前任身边退步或停滞不前？还是我挺过痛苦和悲伤，继续前进？

Like, is it my fault? All of this subconsciously lowering your self esteem, which makes you less fit to handle challenges that come up in your life in a way that is evolved. I gave this example earlier of when I was faced with growth opportunities as a young person during various breakups. Do I go back to my ex and regress or stay stagnant? Or do I push through the pain and the grief and move forward?

我父母的爱和支持让我得以继续前进。有很多人帮助我度过了那些分手。因为他们的爱和支持，我能够抓住成长的机会，真正利用它并通过经历成长。然而，如果我的生活中没有那些人，我认为我的自尊会太低，我的基础感会太不稳定，无法选择成长的机会。您明白吗？

My parents and their love and support allowed me to move on. There's a lot of people that helped me through those breakups. Because of their love and support, I was able to take the growth opportunity and actually take advantage of it and grow through the experience. However, if I had not had those people in my life, I think my self esteem would have been too low and my sense of foundation would have been too rattly for me to choose the growth opportunity. You know?

我肯定会立即回到前任身边。我知道这是事实。如果我们的对抗、争吵、打架处理不当，我们也可能通过关系退步。关系中的争吵和打架只有在所有参与者选择做更大度的人时才是成长的机会。这有道理吗？

I would have gone back to the exes immediately. I know that for a fact. We can also regress through relationships if our confrontations with one another, our arguments, our fights are not handled properly. Fights and arguments in relationships are only opportunities for growth when everyone involved chooses to be the bigger person. Does that make sense?

如果关系中的两个人都想，您知道吗？我要做更大度的人。转眼间，你们俩都成了更大度的人。但如果你们都屈从于道德指南针之下，如果你们都卑躬屈膝，你们说伤人的话，不听对方说话，没有真正解决任何问题，但最后，你们就像，去他的。我们就继续前进，假装没发生过。

If both people in the relationship are like, you know what? I'm gonna be the bigger person. The next thing you know, you're both bigger people. But if you both stoop below your moral compass, if you both stoop low, you say hurtful things and you don't listen to each other and you don't really solve any problems, but at the end of it, you're like, fuck it. We'll just move on and pretend like it didn't happen.

但你们什么也没解决。没有人从中成长。您甚至可能阻碍了社交技能的发展，这某种程度上是一种退步。而且，您还把您的关系置于更糟的境地。您明白吗？

But you don't solve anything. No one grows from that. And you might even be stunting the development of your social skills, which is sort of a form of regression. And also, you're putting your relationship in a worse position. You know?

我认为，当分歧、争吵和关系成为终结的征兆时，是因为它们没有得到妥善解决。其中掺杂了太多自我，人们说刻薄的话只是为了伤害对方，等等。接着说，就像关系可以成为激励我们变得更好的镜子一样，我也发现它们同样可以成为让我们保持原状、延续坏习惯的镜子。

That's, I think, when disagreements and arguments and relationships become a sign of the end is when they're not being solved properly. There's too much ego involved. People are saying things that are mean just for the sake of being hurtful, etcetera, etcetera. Moving on. In the same way that relationships can be a mirror for us that inspire us to be better, I've come to find that they can also be mirrors that enable us to remain the same, to continue with our bad habits.

如果你与一个你不钦佩、没有值得钦佩的特质或习惯的人在一起，当你通过他们这面镜子看自己时，实际上你很可能看起来相当不错。你知道吗？那为什么要改变任何东西呢？所以镜子效应也可能适得其反。如果你通过与你建立关系的人（无论是柏拉图式还是浪漫关系）这面镜子看自己，并觉得自己完美无缺、令人惊叹，在我看来那是一个危险信号，因为那实际上并不准确。

If you are in a relationship with somebody who you don't admire, who doesn't have admirable traits or habits, if you look in the mirror that is them back at yourself, there's actually a decent chance that you look pretty good. You know? Why change anything? So the mirror thing can actually backfire as well. If you look in the mirror that is the person that you're in a relationship with, again, platonic or romantic, and you see yourself looking perfect and amazing, that's a red flag, in my opinion, because that's actually not accurate.

就像，这个星球上的每个人都有改进的空间。你明白我的意思吗？所以如果你在镜子里看不到这一点，呃，这不是一个好迹象。你明白我的意思吗？

Like, everybody on this planet has room for improvement. You see what I mean? So if you aren't seeing that in the mirror, eek. It's not a good sign. It it do you see what I mean?

最后但同样重要的是，虽然关系可以让你接触到以积极方式扩展你视野的新视角，但关系同样可以让你接触到以消极方式缩小你视野的新视角。如果你周围的人比你有更多限制性信念，你的视野就会缩小。如果你足够强大，能帮助他人拓宽视野，那很好。但如果不是，你就会发现自己也在缩小。你明白我的意思吗？

And last but not least, as much as relationships can expose you to new perspectives that expand your perspective in a positive way, relationships can also expose you to new perspectives that shrink your perspective in a negative way. If the people around you have more limiting beliefs than you do, your perspective will shrink. If you're strong and can help others broaden their perspectives, great. But if not, then you'll find yourself shrinking. You see what I mean?

就像，并非所有来自他人的新想法都会扩展你的视野。举个例子，假设你正在和一个非常消极的人约会，这个人认为所有游乐园都很糟糕，去电影院很糟糕，做艺术很糟糕，烹饪也很糟糕。就像，一个认为一切都很糟糕的人。对吧？不知不觉中，你也会开始认为一切都很糟糕，而你的视野会不断缩小、缩小、再缩小。

Like, it's not like all new ideas from other people expand your perspective. Somebody like, an example might be you're dating somebody who is a very negative person who believes that, like, all amusement parks suck, and going to the movie theater sucks, and doing art sucks, and cooking sucks. Like, somebody who just thinks everything sucks. Right? Next thing you know, you're gonna start to think everything sucks, and your and your perspective is shrinking and shrinking and shrinking.

而且，这比你想象的要更隐蔽。听着，我并没有完全搞明白这一切。好吗？我没有。但这是我经常思考的事情，因为我想确保我生活中的关系对我的生活产生的是净积极影响。

And again, it happens sneakier than you think. Now listen, I don't have it all figured out. Okay? I don't. But this is something that I think about a lot because I wanna make sure that the relationships I have in my life are having a net positive effect on my life.

听着。我并没有不切实际的期望。好吗？不可能存在一种关系，其中永远充满丰富的成长，从未有过片刻的倒退，一切都完美，每个人都那么快乐，每个人都在成长，每个人都在欢笑，没有人做错任何事。我的意思是，我认为很多时候，为了成长，必须偶尔搞砸一次。

And listen. I don't have unrealistic expectations. Okay? It's impossible to be in a relationship where there's abundant growth all the time, and there's never a moment of a bit of regression here or and everything's perfect, and everybody's so happy, and everyone's growing, and everybody's laughing, and no one ever does anything wrong. I mean, I think a lot of times in order to grow, there has to be an occasional fuck up.

如果你偶尔不搞砸事情，可能就不会经常面对挑战。我认为，没有偶尔的失败就没有成长。所以我没有不切实际的期望，但这更多关乎整体情况而非孤立事件。当我审视自己的关系时，我会看：在过去一年、过去五年里，我是否通过这段关系获得了成长？我是否从这段关系中有所收获？

If you don't occasionally fuck up, you might not get confronted very often. Like, there is no growth without occasional failure as well, I think. So I don't have unrealistic expectations, but I think it's less about isolated incidents, and it's more about the big picture. When I look at my own relationships, I'm looking at, have I grown with this relationship over the last year, over the last five years? Have I grown from this relationship?

或者相反，我的生活质量是否下降了？我是否变得更不快乐？这更多是关于整体大局，而非孤立事件。为了结束这一期节目，我想给大家一些建议，帮助判断一段关系是在促进你的成长还是导致退步。这些是我的个人建议。

Or, you know, on the contrary, has my quality of life declined? Am I less happy? It's more about the bigger picture and less about isolated incidents. To finish this episode, I thought I would give you some tips on how to figure out if a relationship is helping you grow or causing regression. Now these are my tips.

它们并不专业，最终只是基于我的个人经验。所以请持保留态度看待。第一，通过真诚的对话和自我反思，弄清楚你是否真正尊重和钦佩你交往的对象。如果你想不出三个你钦佩对方的理由，那不是一个好迹象。而且这种情况普遍得令人震惊。

They're unprofessional, and they are ultimately just based on my experience. So take it with a grain of salt. Number one, through honest conversation and reflection with oneself, figure out if you truly respect and admire the person you're in a relationship with. If you can't think of three things that you admire about the person you're in a relationship with, that is not a good sign. And it's shocking how common it is.

我经历过很多不同类型的关系，在某个时刻意识到，我并不怎么钦佩或尊重这个人。我可能爱他们，或者我以为我爱他们，或者我感觉我爱他们。我们的关系让我感到舒适，但我不认为我尊重或钦佩他们。或者说尊重这个词其实不太准确，因为我努力尊重每个人。但这里说的尊重，更多是指钦佩。

I've been in so many different types of relationships where I've realized at a certain point, I don't admire or respect this person very much. I love them maybe, or I think I love them, or I feel like I love them. I feel comfortable in our relationship, but I don't think I respect them or admire them. Or respect is actually the wrong word because I try to respect everyone. But but by respect, I mean more like admire.

明白吗？为了成长，你需要钦佩你交往的对象。你必须觉得他们很了不起，并且他们身上要有一些特质让你觉得

You know? In order to grow, you need to admire the person you're in a relationship with. You have to think that they're awesome, and you and they have to have traits that you're like, I wish I could be a little bit more like that. And it doesn't need to be anything big or obvious. Like, well, they've saved 10,000 puppies from the from a river once.

不需要是那种程度的事情。完全可以是很小的事情，比如他们为人开门的方式，或者他们注意到有人难过时递上纸巾的方式。可以是这种微小的事情，但你至少要有三个理由。如果你连三个都想不出来，那可能不是一段成长型、健康、幸福的关系。好了。

Like, it doesn't need to be like that. It can literally be like, you know, the way that they hold the door for people, the way that they notice whenever someone's sad and and offer them a tissue. Like, it can be something tiny like that, but you have to have at least three. I mean, if you can't come up with with three, probably probably not a growing, healthy, happy relationship. Okay.

第二。如果你们不习惯相互指出对方的缺点，这是个不好的信号。成长可能没有在这段关系中发生，因为虽然你们可能通过相互钦佩获得了一些成长，但我认为如果你们不习惯相互直面问题，就永远无法达到那种成长流动的状态。我现在完全是在胡说八道了。

Number two. If you don't feel comfortable confronting one another about your shortcomings, bad sign. The growth is probably not happening in this relationship because there's a chance that you're growing a little bit, you know, maybe through admiring one another. But I would argue if you don't feel comfortable confronting one another, you can never reach that sort of growth flow state. I'm just fucking speaking out of my ass at this point.

但你明白我的意思。成长中很大一部分就是面对冲突。如果没有这个元素，我不知道你怎么能在一段缺乏足够成长的关系中。就像我们生活中有些边缘友谊和熟人只是陪伴我们，但他们不是我们的密友，不在我们的核心圈子里。

But you get what I'm saying. Like, such a big part of growth is is confrontation. And if you don't have that element, I don't know how you can be in a relationship where there's inadequate amount of growth. Again, it's like we have peripheral friendships and and acquaintances that are in our life to keep us company, but they're not, like, our close friends. They're not in our circle.

我们和他们没有深厚的关系。那是另一种类型的关系。我说的是深厚的个人关系。这些关系我们应该要求更多，因为它们要求我们投入更多注意力和时间，对吧？

We don't have a deep relationship with them. That's a different type of relationship. I'm talking about deep personal relationships. Those are the types of relationships where, you know, we we should be demanding a bit more because they demand a bit more of our attention and time. Right?

好的。接下来，在你们的关系中审视自己：你是否深入考虑了对方的生活背景？他们是否考虑了你的？你是否足够强大，能在他们艰难时期帮助他们振作？他们是否足够强大，能在你艰难时期帮助你振作？

Okay. Next, check-in with yourself in your relationship. Are you deeply considering the context of the other person's life, And are they considering yours? Are you strong enough to help lift them up out of their hard times? And are they strong enough to help lift you up during yours?

你甚至能察觉出他们何时正在经历艰难时期吗？他们能察觉出你何时正在经历艰难时期吗？他们是否将你拖入他们的痛苦中？你是否将他们拖入你的痛苦中？你们中有人能察觉到这种情况正在发生吗？

Can you even figure out when they're going through a hard time? Can they figure out when you're going through a hard time? Are they dragging you down into their misery? Are you dragging them down into your misery? Can either of you figure out when it's happening?

你明白我的意思吗？在关系中，每个人不可避免地会一次又一次地经历艰难时期。为了将这些艰难时期转化为成长机会，你身边与你建立关系的人需要能够支持你，同情你的经历，并在理解这一背景的情况下与你沟通。你明白吗？这在许多不同方面都起着作用。

Do you get what I'm saying? Like, it is inevitable that in relationships, each individual is gonna go through a hard time over and over again, time and time again. And in order to use those hard times as a growth opportunity, the people around you that you're in relationships with need to be able to support you and empathize with what you're going through and speak to you whilst understanding that context. Do you get what I'm saying? This plays a role in so many different elements.

比如，如果你清楚地了解与你建立关系的人的心理状态，而他们以一种看似不合理的方式质问你，也许他们会问：昨晚你为什么没回家？而你回答：我在工作。什么？你在说什么？我确实在工作。

Like, if you have a firm grasp on the mental state of the person you're in a relationship with and they confront you in a way that seems sort of irrational, maybe they're like, why why didn't you come home last night? And you're like, I was working. Like, what? What are you talking about? I was literally at work.

而他们却说：你总是这样，太不考虑别人了。然后他们对你发脾气。如果你了解他们的生活背景，知道他们正在经历一段非常艰难的时期，你就能更好地处理这种情况，不让自己退步，而是帮助他们成长和更好地沟通。你明白我的意思吗？接下来，问问自己可能会有帮助，这一点我已经提过，但我会再提一次。

And they're like, you always do that, and it's so inconsiderate. And they lash out at you. If you understand the context of their life and you know that they're going through a really hard time, you can better handle that situation, not regress yourself, and rather help them grow and communicate better. Do you see what I'm saying? Next, it can be helpful to ask yourself, and I already mentioned this, but I'll mention it again.

我的生活中有这个人是更好还是更糟？回顾你遇见这个人之前的生活。现在想想有这个人在你身边的生活。他们是否增添了些什么？又是否带走了些什么？

Is my life better with this person in it, or is it worse? Look back at your life before you met this person. Now think about your life with this person around. Have they added anything? Have they taken anything away?

对自己诚实一点。我们很少真正坐下来问自己这个问题，而这能告诉我们很多。另一件你可以做的事是问你生活中深深信任的人，他们是否注意到自从你开始与某个特定的人相处以来，你有所成长。对吧？我以前就和我父母这样做过。

Be honest with yourself. It's very rare that we actually sit down and ask ourselves this question, and it can tell us a lot. Another thing that you can do is ask the people in your life that you deeply trust if they have noticed growth in you since around the time that you started spending time with a specific person. Right? I've done this before with my parents.

我会问，你们有没有注意到我从大约这个时候开始有所成长？不会说得太具体，而得到答案的过程很有趣，你知道，而且极其有价值。最后但同样重要的是，当你因为人际关系而演变和改变时，问问自己，对于生活中发生的每一个微小变化，你做出这些改变最终是为了你自己（也许是受到他们的启发，但最终是为了你），还是仅仅为了他们而做出这些改变，为了让他们开心，减少冲突，满足他们的欲望。你是在为谁改变？

I've been like, have you noticed growth in me since around this time? Not being super specific, and it's been interesting to get the answer, you know, and incredibly valuable. And last but not least, as you evolve and change due to relationships, ask yourself with every single little change that occurs in your life. If you are making these changes ultimately for you, perhaps inspired by them, but ultimately for you, or if you're just making these changes for them to make them happy, to reduce conflict, to satisfy their desires. Who are you changing for?

如果你是为了自己而改变，那很可能是成长。如果你是为了他们而改变，我认为那在某种程度上是一种退步。因为即使你为别人做了一个在纸面上最终是积极的事情的改变，比如，你知道，如果你的伴侣说，我真的希望你开始和我一起早起。也许你讨厌早起。也许你是个夜猫子，而那让你快乐。

If you're changing for you, chances are that's growth. If you're changing for them, chances are that's in one way or another a form of regression, I would argue. Because even if you make a change for somebody else that actually is on paper ultimately a positive thing, like, example, if, you know, your partner is like, I really want you to start waking up early with me. Maybe you hate waking up early. Maybe you're a night owl, and that's what makes you happy.

那最终会在以后付出代价。你明白我的意思吗？并且最终会导致一点退步。我的意思是，并不是说退步是件坏事。就像，我们所有人都会成长、退步、再成长、再退步、再成长、再退步。

That will ultimately come at a cost down the line. Do you see what I'm saying? And will ultimately lead to a little bit of regression. I mean, not that regression is a bad thing. Like, we all grow and regress and grow and regress and grow and regress.

就像，你不可避免地会有退步的时刻。所以我不想让这听起来太负面，因为我不认为它是。就像，我认为这一切都是向上轨迹的一部分，一个现实的向上轨迹的一部分。你知道吗？但我认为这是一个非常值得问自己的问题。

Like, you're gonna have moments of regression inevitably. So I don't wanna make that sound too negative because I don't think it is. Like, I think it's all a part of an upward trajectory, of a realistic upward trajectory. You know? But I think that's an incredible question to ask yourself.

这就是我今天要分享的全部内容。就这样。希望你喜欢这一期节目。也许你觉得它有点帮助或安慰。也许你一直在思考这些事情，也许我只是认同了你的想法。

And that's all I have for today. That's it. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Perhaps you found it a little bit helpful or comforting. Maybe you've been having these thoughts or thinking about these things, and maybe I just agreed with you.

谁知道呢？但希望你喜欢这一期节目。如果喜欢的话，不用担心，因为每周四和周日都有新节目。好吗？所以你可以随心所欲地和我相处。

Who knows? But, hopefully, you enjoyed this episode. And if you did, no worries because there are new episodes every Thursday and Sunday. K? So you can hang out with me kind of as much as you want.

我每周两次对着麦克风说很多话。所以，你知道，我在这里为你服务。《Anything Goes》在社交媒体上的账号是anything goes。我在社交媒体上的账号是Emma Chamberlain。我的咖啡公司在互联网和现实生活中的名字是Chamberlain Coffee。

I talk a lot into the microphone twice a week. So, you know, I'm I'm here for you. Anything Goes is on social media at anything goes. I'm on social media at Emma Chamberlain. My coffee company is around on the Internet and in real life at Chamberlain Coffee.

这就是我今天要说的全部内容。我爱你们所有人。我感谢你们所有人。我正为你们在人际关系中的成长祈愿，几天后再和你们聊。好的。

That's all I have for today. I love you all. I appreciate you all. I am manifesting for you growth in relationships, and I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay.

爱你们所有人。再见。回头聊。拜拜。

Love you all. Bye. Talk to you later. Bye.