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欢迎回到建议环节，这是一个畅所欲言的系列节目，在这里我们讨论，在你们发送当前的困境或任何你们想要建议的事情时，我会给出我自己的专业建议。
Welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and then I give you my own professional advice.
而今天的主题是我们所熟知的。
And today's topic is one that we know.
是我们所喜爱的。
It's one that we love.
是我们已经讨论过无数次的话题。
It's one that we've discussed time and time again.
你们知道说知道是什么？
You know what it is?
浪漫关系。
Romantic relationships.
哇。
Woo.
我在鼓掌。
I'm clapping.
你们能听到吗？
Can you hear that?
今天我们要再次讨论恋爱关系，但更具体地说，是恋爱关系中的挑战，因为如果你们的关系进展顺利，我想你们没人会来私信我求助。
Today, we're gonna be discussing romantic relationships once again, but more specifically, challenges in romantic relationships because I don't think any of you would be in my DMs asking for help if your relationships were going well.
相反，你的手机会放在包里。
Instead, your phone would be in your bag.
你会正在约会中欢笑、拥抱、亲吻。
You'd be on a date laughing, cuddling, kissing.
你不会出现在我的私信里。
You wouldn't be in my DMs.
感情问题是《建议环节》的常见话题，这完全可以理解，因为感情关系非常复杂，复杂得难以置信。
Relationship challenges are a common topic here on advice session and understandably so because relationships are complicated, incredibly complicated.
即便你身处最完美、最美好、长期稳定、田园诗般健康的感情关系中，问题也无可避免。
Even if you're in the most perfect, gorgeous, long term, idyllic, healthy relationship, trouble is inevitable.
挑战是必然存在的。
Challenge is inevitable.
即便是最完美的关系也会遇到困难。
Even the most perfect relationships struggle.
正因如此，我认为这对你们所有人来说都是个普遍挑战，因为这对每个人来说都是如此。
And so that's why I think it's such a common challenge for you all because it's a common challenge for everyone.
如果我们选择在这一生中寻找伴侣，这将是所有人都不可避免要经历的挑战。
And it's an inevitable challenge that we're all going to experience if we choose to search for a partner in this life.
说实话，我自己也在为此挣扎。
I mean, I struggle with it too.
听着。
Listen.
虽然我在这个话题上给出建议，但我并非完全明白所有答案。
I know I'm giving advice on the topic, but I don't have it all figured out.
我绝对没有完全搞懂这一切。
I definitely don't have it all figured out.
我是第一个承认这一点的人。
I'm the first one to say that.
我现在单身。
I'm single right now.
如果我真把一切都搞明白了，现在可能已经恋爱了，但我并没有。
If I had it all figured out, I'd probably be in a relationship right now, but I'm not.
不过我要说，单身无疑是我寻找人生伴侣过程中重要的一部分。
Although I will say being single is undeniably an important part of my journey to finding my person, if you will.
所以实际上，我觉得我现在做的没错。
So, actually, I think what I'm doing right now is good.
这或许表明我确实有些领悟，因为我认为我需要保持单身。
It's a sign that maybe I do have things somewhat figured out because I think I need to be single.
但我也有过不少恋爱经历。
But I've been in my fair share of relationships.
闲话少说，我们开始吧。
So without further ado, let's begin.
请允许我短暂打断本期节目，告知您本节目由Venmo赞助播出。
I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Venmo.
好的。
Okay.
听我说。
Hear me out.
显然，使用Venmo借记卡可以赚取现金返还。
Apparently, you can earn cash back with your Venmo debit card.
你只需加入Venmo Stash，就能在喜爱的品牌购物时获得现金返还，简单得很。
All you have to do is join Venmo Stash and boom, you get cash back when you shop at your favorite brands.
这招挺酷的。
It's kind of an awesome flex.
使用Venmo Stash，在喜欢的品牌购物时，可获得高达5%的现金返还。
With Venmo Stash, you can get up to 5% cash back at your fave brands.
只需选择你常去的品牌组合，用Venmo借记卡购物，就能赚取现金返还。
Just pick a bundle of your go tos to shop with your Venmo debit card and earn cashback at them.
你可以自由搭配组合。
And you're free to mix things up.
你可以轻松每三十天更换一次品牌组合包。
You can easily swap out your bundle of brands every thirty days.
通过Stash做更多，开始赚取返现。
Start earning when you do more with Stash.
适用Venmo Stash条款及除外条款。
Venmo Stash terms and exclusions apply.
每月最高返现100美元。
Max a $100 cashback per month.
详情请见venmo.me/stashterms。
See terms at venmo.me/stashterms.
现在回到节目内容。
Now back to the episode.
有人问：如何处理极度嫉妒的伴侣？
Somebody said, how to handle an extremely jealous partner?
他不断提起我的过去，但同时又很体贴关爱，让我很困惑。
He constantly brings up my past, but is also loving and caring, so I'm confused.
首先，我认为恋爱中的嫉妒某种程度上是一种误入歧途的爱，一种变质的爱。
Well, to start, I look at jealousy in a relationship as a form of misguided love in a way, love that's turned sour in a way.
让我解释一下。
Let me explain.
当一个人处于非常好的状态时，他们能够纯粹地去爱。
When someone is in a really good place, they're able to just love purely.
爱会自然而然地从他们身上流露出来。
Love just flows out of them.
当一个人因为某种原因状态不佳时，爱不会自然而然地流露出来。
When someone's not in a good place for one reason or another, love doesn't just flow out of them.
有时候体内的爱可能会被某种方式毒害，然后以错误的方式表达出来。
Sometimes love inside the body can get sort of poisoned, and then it can come out wrong.
这样讲明白吗？
Does that make sense?
这就是我对恋爱关系中嫉妒心理的看法。
That's how I feel about jealousy in a romantic relationship.
就像你的男朋友非常爱你，但他的状态太糟糕了，导致这份爱表达得扭曲了。
It's like your boyfriend loves you so much, but is also in such a bad place that the love is coming out wrong.
这也算是一种爱。
It is kind of love.
比如说，如果你的男朋友不在乎你，他就根本不会在意这些事。
Like, if your boyfriend didn't care about you, he just wouldn't care.
他完全不会吃醋。
Like, he wouldn't be jealous at all.
他会表现得漠不关心。
He'd be negligent.
他会刻意回避。
He'd be avoidant.
你的男朋友显然是在乎的。
Your boyfriend clearly cares.
嫉妒是在乎的一种表现，只是变质的爱以嫉妒的形式呈现出来了。
Jealousy is a form of caring, but it's just love gone sour coming out as jealousy.
这样讲得通吗？
Does that make sense?
通常根源在于不安全感。
Oftentimes, the root of it is insecurity.
实际上，我认为嫉妒几乎总是源于不安全感。
Actually, I think the cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity.
你男朋友对某些事感到不安。
Your boyfriend's insecure about something.
就是这么回事。
That's what it is.
这让他心中对你的部分爱意转化成了嫉妒。
And it's turning some of the love that he has in his heart for you into jealousy.
所以我想先说，你男朋友表现出爱意和关心是合理的，因为如果没有爱和关心，这种情境下根本不会产生嫉妒。
So I wanna start out by saying that it makes sense that your boyfriend is loving and caring because jealousy doesn't occur in this type of situation if there isn't love and care.
这是爱与关心转化成了另一种形态。
It's love and care turned into something else.
所以这两种情况同时发生是有道理的。
So it makes sense that both are happening at once.
你明白我的意思吗？
You know what I'm saying?
当你男友感到极度缺乏安全感时，关爱就会转变为嫉妒。
In moments when your boyfriend's feeling really insecure, love and care turns into jealousy.
。
In moments when your boyfriend's maybe feeling a bit better, perhaps in a mentally stronger place, perhaps in happier place, more fulfilled place, the love is able to flow out properly.
。
So that's the first point I wanna make.
。
Now let's discuss how to handle it.
。
Okay?
。
Let's reread the question.
如何应对极度嫉妒的伴侣？
How to handle an extremely jealous partner?
他不断提起我的过去，却又表现得深情体贴，这让我很困惑。
He constantly brings up my past but is also loving and caring, so I'm confused.
所以问题在于你男友的强烈嫉妒心，导致他对你言语刻薄且充满攻击性。
So the issue is your boyfriend is really jealous, which is making him sort of mean and aggressive with you verbally.
明白吗？
Okay?
我要给出的建议几乎适用于所有恋爱关系中出现沟通难题的情况。
The advice I'm about to give is the advice that I almost always give when there's challenges in relationships, communication.
你必须主动提出这个问题。
You gotta bring this up.
你必须主动提出这个问题。
You gotta bring this up.
这是你们度过难关的唯一方法。
That's the only way that you're gonna get through this.
但我认为重要的是要以非常温和的方式处理这件事。
But I think it's important to go about it in a way that's really gentle.
因为如果一个人极度嫉妒，即使他们表现得有点刻薄或不公平，嫉妒本质上源于不安全感。
Because if someone's incredibly jealous, even if they're being a bit mean or a bit unfair, jealousy is ultimately insecurity.
我认为如果你想触动一个善妒的人，你必须非常温柔。
And I think if you wanna get through to a jealous person, you have to be really gentle.
因为尽管他们因嫉妒而表现出的行为看似强硬、刻薄，但内心其实正在受伤。
Because even though the way that they're behaving as a result of their jealousy seems rigid and hard and mean, on the inside, they're hurting.
他们缺乏安全感。
They're insecure.
他们感到脆弱。
They're feeling weak.
因此我认为要与善妒者进行有效对话，富有成效的方式应该是温和的、体贴的、用心的方式。
And so I think in order to have a productive conversation with somebody who's jealous, a productive approach is a gentle approach, is a thoughtful approach, is a mindful approach.
你不想攻击一个善妒的人，因为我觉得那会让他们更加缩回自己的壳里。
You don't want to attack a jealous person because I feel like that will make them retract into their shell even more.
我认为对待嫉妒心强的人必须非常温柔。
I think you have to be very soft with a jealous person.
尽管这看起来有点反直觉，因为很多时候嫉妒的人确实很刻薄。
Even though that seems kind of counterintuitive because a lot of times jealous people are are mean.
他们可能是最刻薄的那种人。
They can be the meanest.
我来举个我会如何进行这种对话的例子。
So I'll give a sort of example of how I would have this conversation.
假设我是你。
Let's say I'm you.
好吗？
K?
我会对你男朋友说，等等。
I would say to your boyfriend, wait.
这话听起来像是我在试图...呃...勾搭你男朋友。
That sounds like I'm trying to trying to, like, get with your boyfriend.
我不是那个意思。
That's not what I mean.
好的。
Okay.
如果我是你，我会这么说。
If I were you, this is what I would say.
我会说，好吧。
I would say, okay.
假设某个时刻你男朋友提起你的过去并且表现得非常嫉妒。
Perhaps a moment occurs where your boyfriend brings up your past and is really jealous.
这正是采取行动的最佳时机。
This is the perfect time to act.
所以如果我是你，我会说：我能坦白说吗？
So if I were you, I would say, can I be honest?
当你提起我的过去时，这让我非常难受，因为我现在是和你在一起经营这段感情，而我的过去已经过去了。
When you bring up my past, it is really upsetting for me because I'm present here now in this relationship with you, and my past is my past.
我无法改变它。
I can't change it.
对此我无能为力。
There's nothing I can do about it.
而你反复提起并用它来攻击我，真的让我很受伤，让我觉得你无法接受真实的我。
And you bringing it up to me and using it against me is really hurtful, and it makes me feel like you don't accept me for who I am.
我的过去造就了现在的我，把它当作武器来伤害我，这让我非常痛苦。
My past is a part of who I am, and it's very hurtful to have it be weaponized against me.
我无法改变过去，所以我不知道该对你说什么。
And there's nothing I can do to change the past, so I don't know what to tell you.
为什么你就不能接受真实的我，包括我经历过的过去呢？
Why do you think you can't accept me for who I am in the past that I've lived?
为什么？
Why?
这是个很好的开场问题。
That's a great first question to ask.
你知道吗？
You know?
就像，你为什么对这件事这么刻薄？
Like, why are you being mean about this particular thing?
这对我很不公平。
It's not fair to me.
而我认为，对我来说，那个例子感觉是平衡的。
And that, I think, is it's to me, that sort of that example feels balanced.
这是对抗性的。
It's confrontational.
这是诚实的。
It's honest.
它讨论了你对此的感受，但你也提出了一个迫使他们思考的问题。
It discusses how it makes you feel, but you're also asking a question that forces them to think.
明白吗？
You know?
这迫使你的男朋友去思考。
It forces your boyfriend to think.
由此出发，你可以问更多可能促使你男朋友思考的问题，比如：你过去的感情经历如何影响了我们的关系？
And from there, some more questions you could ask to potentially force your boyfriend to think could be, how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship?
或者你真的信任我吗？
Or do you genuinely trust me?
又或者你的童年经历如何影响你在我们关系中的表现？
Or how does your childhood affect how you are in our relationship?
这些问题都以一种巧妙的方式迫使伴侣反思可能影响你们关系的不安全感来源。
All of these questions in kind of a sneaky way force your partner to reflect on potential sources of insecurity that could be coming out in your relationship.
它们迫使你的伴侣反思并自己得出结论——他们正在处理某些问题，存在某些心结，而不需要你直接指出。
They're forcing your partner to reflect and come to the conclusion that they're dealing with something, they have an issue without you having to say.
因为如果你问'你过去的感情经历如何影响了我们的关系？'
Because if you ask, how have your past romantic experiences impacted our relationship?
而你的男朋友回答：'嗯，我的前任曾背叛过我。'
And your boyfriend responds, well, my ex cheated on me.
所以，是的，这确实让我在这段关系中更加焦虑。
So, yeah, like, like, that definitely makes me more anxious in this relationship.
好的。
Okay.
现在他已经大声说出了为什么他对你这么嫉妒和刻薄。
Well, now he's just said out loud why he's so jealous and and mean with you.
那你可以说，你觉得这就是你对我有些不公平、有些刻薄的原因吗？
Then you can say, well, do you think that that's why you've been a bit unfair with me, a bit mean to me?
这就是你拿我的过去当武器的原因吗？
Is that why you're weaponizing my past?
另一个例子是，如果你问你的男朋友：我有做过什么破坏你信任的事吗？
Another example would be if you were to ask your boyfriend, have I ever done something to breach your trust?
如果你的男朋友说没有，他就等于亲口承认了没有理由对你感到嫉妒。
If your boyfriend says no, he just said out loud that there's no reason for him to feel jealous with you.
如果你问：你真的信任我吗？
If you asked, do you genuinely trust me?
即便我从未做过任何辜负你信任的事，你真的信任我吗？
Even if I haven't done anything to reach your trust, do you genuinely trust me?
如果他说不信任，就问为什么？
If he says no, ask why?
为什么？
Why?
我从未做过任何错事，所以为什么？
I've never done anything, so why?
根据他的回答，你们双方都能更清楚地了解问题所在。
And depending on the answer, you both will understand what's going on much better.
但询问他的童年经历也可能对你们双方都极具启发性。
But also asking about his childhood could be incredibly informative for both of you.
在一段恋爱关系中，像这样关于童年经历的对话确实能以非常特别的方式拉近两人的距离。
And a conversation like that in a romantic relationship about childhood experiences can really bring two people together in a way that is really special.
当你开始触及童年创伤这些话题时，确实会让人感到害怕。
Like, when you start to get into your childhood traumas and shit, it's scary.
这很脆弱。
It's vulnerable.
但你们会深入了解彼此，这确实能加深感情。
But you learn so much about one another, it really deepens a relationship.
而且它无可否认地影响着人际关系。
And it undeniably affects relationships.
童年的经历会影响我们在感情中的表现。
It affects how we are in relationships, what we experienced as children.
这种对话有点难以引导。
It's kinda hard to guide this type of conversation.
我认为只有你能和伴侣进行这样的对话。
I think only you can have this conversation with your partner.
我没法给你现成的台词。
I can't give you a script.
你明白吗？
You know?
你需要投入其中，在当下凭直觉行事。
You have to go into it and just be intuitive in the moment.
那些只是一些模糊的想法，一些可能的思考起点。
Those were just some vague ideas, some possible thought starters.
但我认为关键要记住的是，嫉妒的人其实是缺乏安全感的人。
But I think the key thing to keep in mind is a jealous person is an insecure person.
如果你想进行有建设性的对话，我建议要极其温和。
And if you wanna have a productive conversation, I would recommend being incredibly gentle.
坚定但温和，不要指责对方。
Firm, but gentle, and not point the finger.
不要指着对方说'你很刻薄'。
Don't point the finger and say, you're mean.
'你错了'。
You're wrong.
'你有问题'。
You're broken.
你很邪恶。
You're evil.
你真差劲。
You suck.
你知道吗？
You know?
并不是有人会这么说，但你明白我的意思。
Not that anyone's saying that, but you get what I'm saying.
我觉得用温和的方式处理会更有效。
Like, I think it's much more productive to approach in a gentle way.
但说实话，这个建议适用于任何对抗场合。
But, honestly, that advice goes for any sort of confrontation.
我认为即使面对最邪恶的人，温和以待也是上策。
I think even with the most evil of people, I think being gentle is the way to go.
这是我的看法。
That's my opinion.
有些人不同意我的观点。
Some people disagree with me.
有些人认为有些人就该被吼、被无情批评。
Some people think that some people deserve to be yelled at, to be ruthlessly criticized.
我个人认为，保持大度并时刻考虑对方人性尊严的沟通方式永远是最佳选择。
I personally think being the bigger person and handling conversations with the other person's humanity in mind is always the best way to go.
从现在开始，事情可能朝多个不同方向发展。
Now from here, things could go in many different directions.
你男友可能反应良好，你们可能会围绕他的创伤、心理障碍、不安全感以及依恋模式展开一场极其丰富充实的对话。
Your boyfriend might respond really well, and you might have an incredibly rich, fulfilling conversation together about your boyfriend's traumas, emotional mental blocks, insecurities, his attachment style.
你们可能会进行一场美妙而富有启发性的谈话，从而深化你们的关系。
You might have a gorgeous, informative conversation that deepens your relationship.
这种情况绝对有可能发生。
That absolutely might happen.
当然，也可能不会发生。
It also might not happen.
你男朋友可能会表现出防御态度。
Your boyfriend might respond defensively.
他可能会缩回自己的壳里。
He might retract into his shell.
他可能会封闭自己。
He might shut down.
他可能会试图将嫉妒情绪归咎于你。
He might try to blame you for the feelings of jealousy that he's experiencing.
情况可能不会顺利。
It might not go well.
你也需要为此做好心理准备。
And you also kinda have to brace yourself for that.
如果发生这种情况，我的建议是给他一点时间。
Now if that happens, my advice would be give him a little bit of time.
有时当人们被直面某些问题时，最初会封闭自我，无法应对。
Sometimes when people are confronted on something, they at first close off and shut down and can't handle it.
但一旦给予一些空间，他们实际上会回心转意，就像，你知道吗？
But once given some space, they actually come around and they're like, you know what?
现在我准备好进行对话了。
Now I'm ready to have the conversation.
有时这需要一小时。
Sometimes that takes an hour.
有时这需要一周。
Sometimes that takes a week.
但我会说试着进行这次谈话。
But I would say try to have the conversation.
如果进展不顺利，给你的伴侣一点时间，就一点点时间，看看他们是否会回心转意。
If it goes badly, give your partner a little bit of time, just a little bit of time, and see if they come around.
如果他们不改变态度，问题没有改善，他们无法理解自己的嫉妒如何对关系产生负面影响，我的建议是分手。
Now if they don't come around and the problem doesn't improve and they cannot grasp how their jealousy is negatively impacting the relationship, my suggestion would be break up.
如果有人因为缺乏安全感而无法成为好伴侣，那说明他们还没准备好进入一段感情关系。
If someone's not being a nice partner because they have insecurity issues, that just means that they're not ready to be in a relationship.
他们有些烂摊子需要自己收拾。
They have shit they need to sort out.
而你能等待的时间也是有限的。
And you can only wait around so long.
听着。
Listen.
对我来说，这是不可妥协的底线。
To me, this is a deal breaker.
对吧？
Right?
如果有人在恋爱中恶劣到这种程度，让你痛苦不堪，你最多只能提出来，试着帮他们渡过难关。
If someone is behaving badly in a relationship to this extent and it's making you miserable, the most that you can do is bring it up, try to help them through it.
如果他们拒绝你的帮助，那他们就得靠自己解决。
And if they won't take your help through it, then they need to deal with it on their own.
他们必须靠自己解决这个问题。
They need to deal with it on their own.
就这样了。
That's the end of it.
所以尽力而为吧。
So do your best.
试着帮帮忙。
Try to help.
试着和他们一起成长。
Try to grow with them.
如果不行，那现在你就单身了。
And if not, then now you're single.
这其实挺有意思的。
And that's kind of fun.
是挺有意思的。
It's kind of fun.
好。
Okay.
继续前进。
Moving on.
有人说，当我和男朋友还有朋友们一起玩的时候，我觉得他给我的关注不够。
Somebody said, when I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and our friends, I feel like he doesn't give me enough attention.
是我太粘人了吗？
Am I too needy?
我该怎么办？
What do I do?
我不喜欢这样。
I don't like it.
首先，在你和伴侣对质之前，我建议你先审视自己的内心。
First, I would say, before you even confront your partner on this, look inward.
真诚地、深入地、诚实地分析你男朋友的行为。
Genuinely, deeply, honestly analyze your boyfriend's behavior.
问问自己，你认为真正的问题是什么。
Ask yourself what you really think is going on.
你认为男友在社交场合不关注你，是因为他对你们的关系感到难堪吗？
Do you think that your boyfriend's not giving you attention in social settings because he's embarrassed of your relationship?
他感到羞耻吗？
He's ashamed?
他觉得你不够酷吗？
He doesn't think you're cool?
还是仅仅因为他不太喜欢公开场合的亲昵行为？
Or is it just because he's not really into PDA?
他不喜欢在公开场合表现恩爱。
He doesn't like performing public displays of affection.
又或许他只是想专心陪伴朋友。
Or perhaps he just wants to be present with his friends.
你们私下已经共处了那么多时间。
He spends so much time with you in private.
你知道的，就你们两个人独处的时候。
You know, just the two of you.
当他和朋友在一起时，他只是想全身心投入其中，给予他们关注，因为他总是和你在一起。
When he's with friends, he just wants to be present with them and and give them the time of day because he's always spending time with you.
对吧？
Right?
你真正认为是什么原因？
What do you really think it is?
这两个中的哪一个？
Which of those two?
现在要对自己极其诚实，因为很容易草率得出你男朋友感到尴尬的结论。
Now be incredibly honest with yourself because it can be easy to jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend's embarrassed.
他觉得你无趣。
He doesn't find you interesting.
比如在一群人当中，你对他来说没那么有趣。
Like, in a group of people, you're not that interesting to him.
很容易草率得出他不再爱你或是以你为耻的结论。
Can be easy to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you anymore or that he's ashamed of you.
但在我经历过的许多段关系中，我的男友们在群体场合下对我都完全不亲昵。
But in many of the relationships I've been in, my boyfriends have not been affectionate with me at all in groups.
就像，我很少经历过那种情况。
Like, I've rarely experienced that.
我觉得甚至从来没有过。
I don't think I ever even have.
我认为我谈过的每一段恋爱中，约会的对象都不怎么喜欢在别人面前对我表现出关注。
I think every single relationship I've ever been in, the guy I've dated hasn't really liked giving me attention in front of other people.
不是因为他们不喜欢我，而是觉得这样不太得体。
Not because they didn't like me, but because they found it to be sort of inappropriate.
你懂吗？
You know?
他们就是...我也不知道。
They they kinda just I don't know.
他们想专注和朋友相处，不想因为我们的亲密举动让任何人感到不适，其实我觉得这完全合理。
They wanted to be present with friends and and not make anyone uncomfortable with our romance, which I actually think is totally fair.
你知道，有时候我可能想要更多一点的亲密关系，而我不认为这有什么错。
You know, there have been times where I've maybe wanted a little bit more affection, and I don't think that's wrong either.
我也不觉得想要这个有什么错。
I don't think it's wrong to want that either.
只是存在认知差异。
Just a disconnect.
但当我经历这些时，经过反思，我意识到这并不是针对个人的。
But when I've experienced this, upon reflection, I realized this is not personal.
他们只是不习惯在人群中对我表现得过于亲密。
They just don't feel comfortable being super affectionate with me in in groups.
现在一旦你弄清楚情况，你觉得你男朋友是真的...这是针对个人的吗？
Now once you figure out what you think is going on, do you think your boyfriend genuinely like, it's personal.
是与你有关的原因。
There's something about you.
他感到难为情。
He's embarrassed.
他感到羞愧。
He's ashamed.
随便吧。
Whatever.
你认为是这样，还是觉得这只是你们两人之间表达爱意的方式不匹配？
Do you think it's that, or do you think it's just a mismatched sort of affection style between the two of you?
一旦你弄清楚这一点，我会建议你和伴侣谈谈，但要带着更清晰的视角。
Once you figure out that, then I would say bring it up to your partner, but with a slightly clearer perspective.
现在你知道该怎么提这件事了。
Now you know how to bring it up.
如果你认为你的伴侣真的对你感到尴尬、羞愧，并且在回避你，那么也许你可以用一种更情绪化的方式来处理这个话题。
If you think your partner's genuinely embarrassed of you, ashamed of you, and is avoiding you, then perhaps you can address the topic in a more maybe in a more emotional way.
比如，可以说：'嘿。'
Like, be like, hey.
我真的觉得当我们和朋友在一起时，你心不在焉，这让我非常难过。
I really feel like you're not present with me when we're out with friends, and it's really upsetting for me.
这让我感觉你并不爱我。
And it makes me feel like you don't love me.
虽然我不想说得这么极端，但这确实让我感觉你并不爱我。
Like, I I hate to be extreme, but it makes me feel like you don't love me.
其实，不用道歉。
Actually, don't apologize.
别说'我不想这么极端'这种话。
Don't say I hate to be this extreme.
别那么说。
Don't say that.
就直接说：这让我感觉你并不爱我，你以和我在一起为耻，这真的很伤人。
Just say it makes me feel like you don't love me, that you're not proud to be with me, and it's really hurtful.
这是个我们需要解决的问题，否则...我都不知道我们该怎么办。
And it's like an issue that we need to resolve or else I like, I don't know what we're gonna do.
你还可以说：对我来说，这感觉可能是个更深层次的问题。
And you can also say, to me, this feels like maybe even a deeper issue.
比如，到底怎么回事？
Like, what's going on?
你知道吗，感觉有点不对劲。
You know, something feels kinda off.
如果你觉得你男朋友只是对你不够亲热，你确定问题没那么严重。
Now if you think your boyfriend just isn't as affectionate with you, you're sure it's not that deep.
因为也许当你们独处时，他会非常亲热。
Because maybe when you two are alone, he's incredibly affectionate.
他非常专注。
He's super present.
只是在社交场合时，你觉得他有点忽视你。
It's just when you guys are in social settings, you feel like he's sort of ignoring you.
如果你觉得是这样，我会更委婉地提出这些问题，因为关系中还有其他积极的迹象表明，你知道，他是在乎的。
If you think that's the case, I bring things up a little bit more gently because there's other signs in the relationship that are positive that show that, you know, he's there.
他爱你。
He loves you.
他在场。
He's present.
我会建议用稍微不那么情绪化、不那么极端的方式提出来。
I would say bring it up maybe a bit less emotionally, perhaps a bit less extreme.
我会这么说：你是不是一和朋友在一起就把我忘了？
I'd say something along the lines of, do you just forget about me when we're with our friends?
比如，喂。
Like, hello.
我还在这儿呢。
I'm still here.
这是什么情况？
What is that?
你可以用这种随意的语气提出来。
You could bring it up casually like that.
就直接说，为什么不在朋友面前偶尔亲亲我的脸颊呢？
Just be like, why don't you, like, give me a little kiss on the cheek every once in a while when we're around our friends?
你为什么不偶尔关心我一下呢？
Why don't you check-in every once in a while?
这是怎么回事？
What's with that?
我觉得你可以保持轻松愉快的态度。
I think you can keep it lighthearted.
有时候谈话不需要这么正式，非得正襟危坐地说'听着'。
Sometimes conversations don't need to be this, like, intense sit down thing where it's like, hey.
我们需要谈谈。
We need to talk.
懂我意思吗？
You know?
有时候在开车回家的路上随口提一句'嘿'反而更自然。
Sometimes it just makes sense to casually in the car on the way home be like, hey.
我注意到这个。
What I noticed this.
这挺有意思的。
It's interesting.
你为什么要那样做？
Why do you do that?
我觉得不是什么大事，但你为什么要那样做？
I don't it's not that big of a deal, but why do you do that?
就是稍微试探一下。
And just kinda put your feelers out.
如果他们回答说'哦，我都没注意到'，那你就可以说'好吧，听着'。
And then if they're like, oh, I didn't even notice, then you could be like, well, listen.
我实话实说。
I'll be honest.
这有时候确实让我有点难过。
It is a little bit upsetting for me sometimes.
然后你就可以稍微把话题升级一点。
Then you can kinda take it up a notch.
如果他们回答：'我这么做是因为这个原因。'
If they're like, well, the reason why I do that is because of this.
也许他们会说：'你看，我当下是全身心陪伴你的，但只有我们两个人的时候，我想确保把时间和关注留给朋友们。'
Perhaps they say, well, I just you know, I'm really present with you, and it's just the two of us, so I wanna make sure I I give time and attention to our friends.
这时你可以选择想说的话。
Then to that, you could choose what you wanna say.
如果这个回答足够合理，或许你只能接受伴侣选择在朋友聚会上用这种方式表达爱意。
If that's a fair enough answer, then maybe you just need to accept that that's how your partner chooses to show affection in in public spaces with friends.
他们选择完全不表现亲密。
They choose not to show affection at all.
如果这不能让你满意，如果你仍然感到困扰，那就说：'听着'
If that doesn't satisfy you, if you're still feeling bothered by it, then say, listen.
你说的完全合理，但我还是需要多一些关注。
That makes total sense, but also I kinda need a little bit more.
不知为什么，你在集体场合不关注我这件事真的让我很困扰。
It really bugs me for some reason that you don't give me attention when we're all together.
也许我们可以各退一步，你可以多关注我一点。
Maybe we could meet in the middle and you could give me a little bit more attention.
我不会要求太多，但希望你能多花点心思让我感到被重视。
And I won't expect too much necessarily, but maybe you could put a little bit more effort in and make me feel good.
重申一下，谈话可能有50种不同的走向，但这是我的建议。
Again, the conversation could go, like, 50 different ways, but that is my advice.
主动提出来，根据伴侣的回应和问题根源，共同寻找解决方案。
Bring it up and come up with solutions together depending on how your partner responds and depending on what you think the root of the issue is.
我简短地打断一下本期节目，告诉大家本期节目由Skims赞助播出。
I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is brought to you by skims.
我没有节日睡衣的传统，但今年可能会有所改变。
I don't have any holiday pajama traditions, but maybe that'll change this year.
我最近试穿了Skims的柔软休闲系列睡衣。
I recently tried skim sleep in soft lounge collections.
也许我的这套新长袖长裤、柔软休闲睡衣会成为我在寒冷月份穿的新节日睡衣。
And maybe my new long sleeve, long pants set, my soft lounge sleep set will become my new holiday PJs that I wear during the colder months.
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现在正是送礼季。
It's also gifting season.
如果你纠结该送什么礼物，SKIMS睡衣是个不错的选择。
And if you're stomped on what to get somebody, skims PJs.
我觉得这是个很棒的礼物。
Sounds like a good gift to me.
要是我收到这个礼物，我会非常开心。
I'd be stoked if I got that as a gift.
选择可太多了。
So many options.
总有一款适合所有人，无论你喜欢温暖舒适的长袖长裤套装，还是中意可爱俏丽的短裤背心套装。
Something for everyone, whether you're into, like, warm, cozy, long sleeve, long pants set, or you're into, like, a cute little short and tank top set.
SKIMS为你清单上的每个人都准备了选择，除非你清单上有人根本不穿睡衣。
SKIMS has options for everyone on your list, unless there's anyone on your list who doesn't wear pajamas.
也许他们只是不知道睡衣有多棒。
Maybe they just don't know how great pajamas are.
给他们展示一下。
Show them.
在skims.com选购我最喜欢的睡衣。
Shop some of my favorite pajamas at skims.com.
如果你想为清单上的每个人寻找完美礼物，skims假日商店已在skims.com开业。
And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the skims holiday shop is now open at skims.com.
下单后，请务必告诉他们是我们推荐你来的。
After you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you.
在问卷中选择播客，并务必在随后的下拉菜单中选择Anything Goes。
Select podcast in the survey, and be sure to select anything goes in the drop down menu that follows.
现在回到节目。
Now back to the episode.
好的。
Okay.
继续。
Moving on.
有人说，我刚和男朋友分手了。
Somebody said, I just broke up with my boyfriend.
他对我毫无承诺，发消息敷衍，从不主动安排约会或任何实质性的活动。
He had no commitment to me, was bad at texting, and never planned dates or anything really.
现在我提出分手，他却表现得非常难过，还说他爱我。
Now I'm breaking up with him, and he is so upset and saying he loves me.
我该怎么办？
What do I do?
我们在一起时他完全没有表现出这些。
He didn't show any of that when we were together.
我很困惑。
I'm confused.
呵，他们就是喜欢这样，不是吗？
Well, they love to do that, don't they?
他们就是爱这样。
They love.
他们就爱这样。
They love to do that.
他们就爱这样。
They love to do that.
这是个老生常谈的故事了。
This is a tale as old as time.
你知道那句俗话吗？
You know the saying?
他们总是失去后才懂得珍惜。
They don't know what they had till it's gone, or you don't know what you got till it's gone.
随便吧。
Whatever.
这真的很不幸。
This is really unfortunate.
你的伴侣在关系中很懒惰，不愿付出努力，把你视为理所当然，现在你要离开了，他们才意识到自己犯的错误。
Your partner was lazy in the relationship, wasn't putting effort in, took you for granted, now you're leaving, and now they realize the mistake that they've made.
哎呀。
Oops.
好吧，情况是这样的。
Well, here's the deal.
你有个选择。
You have a choice.
不是要为不良行为辩护，但我们在恋爱关系中确实会边学边成长。
Not to defend bad behavior, but we do learn as we go in relationships.
没有人能完全掌握恋爱之道，而且有可能你的伴侣在你们相处时真的没意识到做个体贴的伴侣意味着什么。
No one has it all figured out, and there is a chance that your partner genuinely didn't realize what it meant to be an attentive partner when you were together.
也许你在恋爱关系中也没有充分沟通这是个问题。
And perhaps you didn't communicate in the relationship enough that this was an issue.
你要和他分手可能让他很震惊。
It might be a shock that you're breaking up with him.
现在他大概在想：等等。
And now he's like, wait.
搞什么鬼？
What the fuck?
我根本不知道自己做错了什么。
I didn't know I was doing anything wrong.
也许从来没有人在这方面指出过他的问题。
Maybe no one has ever confronted him on this before.
也许他真的很难过，就像在说，等等。
Maybe he genuinely is upset and is like, wait.
我甚至不知道在一段关系中应该这样做。
I just didn't even know that I was supposed to be this way in a relationship.
现在一切都太迟了，你就要离开了。
And now it's too late, and now you're leaving.
他就像在说，等等。
And he's like, wait.
这完全是个意外打击。
This was a complete curveball.
我完全没有预料到会这样。
I just didn't see this coming.
如果我早知道，我会表现得不一样。
And if I would've known, I would've been different.
确实有可能就是这种情况。
There's genuinely a chance that that's the case.
也有可能你的伴侣就是懒惰，在这些方面可能天性如此。
There's also a chance that your partner was lazy and maybe just is lazy in these areas.
这就是他们的本性。
That's just their nature.
也许他们在情感上还不够成熟来维系一段关系，但分手仍然对他们打击很大。
And maybe they're not emotionally available enough to be in a relationship, but the breakup is hitting them hard regardless.
尽管他们知道这就是现在的自己，但至少目前，我愿意相信他们是在无意识地用这种'天啊'的方式操控你。
And even though they know that that's who they are, at least for right now, they're, I'd like to believe, unintentionally manipulating you by being like, oh my god.
不。
No.
我爱你。
I love you.
我本不想伤害你，只是想把你拉回来缓解痛苦。
I I didn't mean to hurt you just to pull you back in to ease the pain.
现在选择权在你手上。
Now the choice is yours.
明白吗？
Okay?
你必须决定如何应对他对你说的话。
You have to decide what to do with what he's telling you.
听起来你们已经沟通过了，而你的前任或现在的前任在说，不。
Sounds like you've communicated and your ex or now ex is saying, no.
我爱你。
I love you.
意思是，我想让你回来。
Like, I want you back.
我会变得更好。
I will be better.
听起来目前的对话就是这样的走向。
It sounds like that's the way the conversation is going right now.
所以你可以和你的伴侣或前任坐下来谈谈，明确表示如果我们要复合，下次必须做出真正的改变。
So you could sit your partner down or your ex and be like, well, things really need to change next time if we're gonna do this again.
但听起来他已经在表达他想要继续这段关系的意愿了。
But it sounds like he's saying what he needs to like, he's he's telling you already that he wants to stay together.
他爱你。
He loves you.
他很抱歉。
He's sorry.
所以现在你需要审视自己的内心。
So now you need to look inward.
你需要好好反思。
You need to reflect.
你需要分析，并决定接下来要怎么做。
You need to analyze, and you need to figure out what you're gonna do next.
你会继续和他在一起吗？
Are you gonna stay with him?
你会再给他一次机会吗？
Are you gonna give him another chance?
还是你确信这就是他现在的样子，在他能够以你需要的方式出现之前，他还有很多成长空间？
Or are you sure that this is just who he is for right now and he has a lot of growth to do before he's gonna be able to show up in the way that you need?
所以现在在一起没有意义。
And so it doesn't make sense to be together right now.
只有通过分析，你才能得出这个结论。
Only you, through analysis, can come to that conclusion.
以下几点可能有助于你决定如何处理这件事。
Some things to consider that could help you figure out how to handle this.
问问自己，第一，你之前有没有就这件事和他对质过？
Ask yourself, number one, have you confronted him on this before?
他当时什么反应？
How did he react?
他有表现出防御性吗？
Was he defensive?
他是那种'天啊'的反应吗？
Was he like, oh my god.
他道歉后却毫无改变？
I'm so sorry, and then nothing changed?
还是说你从未指出过问题，他根本不知道自己是个懒惰的差劲男友？
Or have you never confronted him and he didn't even know that he was being a lazy bad boyfriend?
另一个要问自己的问题是：在指出问题后，你给过他成长的机会吗？
Another thing to ask yourself, did you ever give him a chance to grow post confrontation?
这显然只适用于你确实指出过问题的情况。
This is obviously only if you did confront.
你是刚指出问题第二天就和他分手，还是给过他多次机会却依然毫无改变？
Did you confront him and then a day later, wake up with him, or did you give him time and a few chances and nothing changed?
最后同样重要的是，如果这个问题解决了，你能想象和他有任何未来吗？
And last but not least, can you imagine any sort of future with him if this issue was resolved?
就像很多时候，你知道，关系中有一个大问题导致分手，但这并不是唯一的问题。
Like, a lot of times, you know, there's, like, one big issue in a relationship that causes a breakup, but it's not the only issue.
比如，还有很多其他事情。
Like, there's also a lot of other things.
比如，也许性吸引力不够，或者幽默感不合拍，又或者我不知道，如果这个问题完全消失，你们对未来的规划可能也不一致。
Like, maybe the sexual chemistry wasn't quite there or the humor wasn't compatible or I don't know, maybe your plans for the future didn't align if this problem were to go away completely.
不过，这有点复杂，因为这是个复合型问题。
Although, it's kind of complicated because this is like a compound issue.
他对你没有承诺，不擅长发信息，也从不计划约会或任何事。
He had no commitment to you, was bad at texting, and never planned dates or anything.
这真的挺糟糕的。
That's kind of really bad.
这几乎是维系一段关系的全部基础，而这些他都不具备。
That's kind of the entire basis of a relationship, and none of that was there.
所以其实我不确定问自己'如果这个问题解决了，你能否想象和他有任何未来'是否有帮助。
So I actually don't know if it's helpful to ask yourself if you could imagine any sort of future with him if this issue was resolved.
因为如果这个问题解决了，那将是完全不同的关系。
Because it's like if this issue was resolved, it'd be a completely different relationship.
我认为你只需要问问自己，你们是否有可能共同成长度过这个难关。
I think you just need to ask yourself if there's any chance that you could grow together through this.
这可能吗？
Is it possible?
这现实吗？
Is it realistic?
一切皆有可能，所以我想更好的问题是这现实吗？
Anything's possible, so I guess it's better to ask if it's realistic.
不过看起来你已经下定决心了。
It seems you've already made up your mind though.
你已经和他分手了。
You broke up with him.
他现在想挽回你，但你已经和他分手了。
He's trying to get you back now, but you broke up with him.
这个决定是你做出的。
You made that decision.
你已经完成了最艰难的部分。
You've already done the hard work.
我会说现在不要回头。
I would say don't go back now.
你当初做出那个决定是有原因的。
You made that decision for a reason.
仅仅因为他说爱你，这就像，是啊，他很难过。
Just because he's saying he loves you, it's like, yeah, he's sad.
他现在情绪激动。
He's emotional.
他正在失去他的伴侣。
He's losing his partner.
他依然是那个与你相处了那么久的人。
He's still the same person that you were in a relationship with for however long.
是啊。
Yeah.
他有可能改变。
There's a chance he could change.
但无论如何，说实话我的建议是，当然，你自己做决定。
But I think regardless, regardless my my advice honestly would be, obviously, make your own decision.
只有你能分析并得出结论。
Only you can analyze it and come to a conclusion.
但我的具体建议是：坚持分手，分开六个月或一年后，或许可以约个午餐看看情况是否不同。
But I would say, if I were to give you specific advice on what to do, I would say follow through with a breakup, be broken up for six months, maybe a year, and then maybe some point down the line, grab lunch and see see if things are different.
问题是，如果分手后六个月不见面，很可能你们会各自成长并找到新方向，无论是单身还是新恋情。
But see, the thing is, if you break up and you don't see each other for six months, chances are you'll both grow apart and find something else, whether that's singlehood or a new relationship.
你明白吗？
You know?
接下来有人说，当男朋友对我冷暴力时该怎么办？
Next, somebody said, what to do when my boyfriend gives me the silent treatment?
我是个敏感的人，这真的让我很受伤，还会让我恐慌。
I'm a sensitive person, and it really hurts my feelings and makes me panic.
我男朋友不喜欢谈论未来，但我喜欢规划。
My boyfriend doesn't like to talk about the future, but I'm a planner.
我该怎么办？
What do I do?
听起来你是个非常善于沟通的人。
Sounds like you're a very communicative person.
你想谈论自己的感受。
You wanna talk about your feelings.
你想讨论未来，而你的伴侣似乎恰恰相反。
You wanna talk about the future, and it sounds like your partner is the opposite.
不愿意谈论感受。
Doesn't wanna talk about feelings.
不愿谈论未来。
Doesn't wanna talk about the future.
这是个巨大的鸿沟。
This is a huge disconnect.
沟通是最基本的要求。
Communication is the baseline.
它是任何深厚稳固关系的基石。
It is the foundation of any solid relationship with any sort of depth.
老实说，这是个很严重的问题。
So this is a huge problem, to be honest.
不过我也经历过这种情况。
I've been there, though.
我曾和一位极度抗拒沟通的人交往过。
I have dated somebody who was truly allergic to communicating.
真的完全无法沟通。
Truly couldn't do it.
就是做不到。
Couldn't do it.
任何话题都无法谈论。
Couldn't talk about anything.
什么都不行。
Nothing.
任何稍微深入一点的话题，都完全无法触及。
Anything below remotely below the surface, couldn't do it.
我真的很为此苦恼，因为我和你一样。
And I really struggled with that because I'm the same as you.
极其健谈，总想谈论我的感受，也想讨论未来。
Incredibly communicative, wants to talk about my feelings all the time, also wants to talk about the future.
而从我与这类人交往的经验中，我明白了这种关系对我们行不通。
And what I've learned from my experience in a relationship with the type of person that you're describing is that that doesn't work for us.
就是行不通。
It just doesn't.
我真心觉得这是个无法妥协的问题。
I I honestly think this is a deal breaker.
我觉得你可以提出来。
I think you can bring it up.
你其实不妨说出来，因为我认为在感情中最好不留任何遗憾。
You kind of you you might as well because I think it's best in a relationship to leave no stones unturned.
就像要把所有细节都处理到位。
Like, it's good to dot all your i's and cross all your t's.
如果真的存在发展潜力，在结束前应该竭尽全力尝试挽救。
Like, really try everything you can to make it work if there's, you know, genuine potential there and you want to before ending it.
这样当你结束时才会觉得已经尽力了。
Because then when you end it, you feel ready.
你会觉得：我已经尝试了所有方法，但都无济于事。
You're like, I I tried everything, it didn't work.
所以这段关系就此结束，我毫无遗憾，因为已经竭尽所能。
So that was the end of it, I have no regrets because I did everything I could.
所以，去和你的伴侣谈谈，说，嘿。
So, yeah, bring it up to your partner and say, hey.
这是个严重的问题。
This is a huge issue.
我需要能够表达我的感受。
I need to be able to talk about my feelings.
我需要你不要直接封闭自己陷入沉默。
I need you to not just shut down and and become silent.
我需要你回应我，像对待普通人一样和我交流，我需要能和你一起规划未来。
I need you to respond to me, talk to me like a human being, and I need to be able to talk about the future with you.
这两件事对我来说极其重要。
These are two things that are incredibly important to me.
下最后通牒。
Make an ultimatum.
直接说，如果我们不能开始沟通这些问题，我无法继续这段关系。
Say, if we can't start communicating about these things, I cannot do this.
这是底线，是健康关系中最基本的要求，而我们这里却没有做到。
This is the baseline, the bare minimum in a healthy relationship, and it's not happening here.
所以我们要么一起解决这个问题，共同面对，一起找到解决方案，要么我就退出。
And so we either figure this out together, rise to the occasion, find a solution together, or I'm out.
就这样。
Done.
就这么说。
Say that.
我认为在这种情形下说这些话是没问题的，因为沟通确实是浪漫关系的基石——要达成共识、交流感受、而不是互相冷战。
I think it's okay to say that in this type of situation because it is so truly the foundation of a romantic relationship is communication, is being on the same page, is talking about your feelings, is not giving one another the silent treatment.
这绝对是浪漫关系中最重要的事情。
Like, this is the most important thing in a romantic relationship.
我想不出还有什么比这更重要的事了。
I I don't think there's anything more important than this.
所以我觉得在这种情形下强硬地下最后通牒是可以的。
So I think it's okay to be kinda harsh to set an ultimatum.
我知道进行这种对话可能会让人害怕，尤其是与一个不擅长沟通的伴侣。
And I know it can be scary to have this type of conversation, especially with a partner that struggles with communication.
讽刺的是，最需要沟通的对象恰恰是不擅长沟通的伴侣。
The irony is it's the most important to communicate with a partner who's bad at communicating.
他们才是最需要被沟通的人。
That's who needs to be communicated with the most.
然而与这类人沟通却最为困难，因为他们如此封闭，提起话题会让人非常害怕。
And yet it's the hardest to communicate with that type of person because they're so closed off to it that it's very scary to bring things up.
面对一个不擅沟通的人，比面对擅长沟通的人要可怕得多。
It's it's so much scarier to confront somebody who's bad at communicating than it is to confront somebody who's good at it.
比如，我曾经历过...如果要比较我的两段感情，一段极其开放，沟通无间，无话不谈。
Like, I've been in you know, if I were to compare two relationships that I've had, one that was incredibly open, like, incredibly communicative, talked about everything.
如果把这个与我那段缺乏沟通的感情相比，在那段超级开放的关系中沟通和面对问题都非常轻松。
If I were to compare that to my noncommunicative relationship, if I were to compare them, communicating and confronting in the super open relationship was so easy.
只要一出现问题，瞬间就能解决，就像'砰'地一声那么简单。
The second there was an issue, the second there was a problem, it was like, boom.
问题被提出来了
It's up.
实际上在某些方面，这反而让关系中的问题变得更少
It's brought up, which actually, in some ways, made the relationship less problematic.
就像，需要提出的问题更少了，因为我们总是即时解决所有问题
Like, there was less to bring up because we would just bring everything up in the moment.
你明白吗？
You know?
而在缺乏沟通的关系中，有太多潜在的矛盾在不断恶化却从未被讨论过
Whereas with the noncommunicative relationship, there were so many more underlying issues that were festering that weren't ever discussed.
事实上，如果有更多沟通，这段关系或许还有挽回的余地
And it actually probably could've worked if there was more communication.
也许吧
Maybe not.
但你懂我的意思吗？
But you know what I'm saying?
比如，谁知道如果我们能沟通的话会发生什么？
Like, who knows what could have happened if we could have communicated?
但我太害怕了，因为我在想，我甚至不知道如何与这个人开始某种对抗。
But I was too scared because I was like, I don't even know how to start a confrontation of sorts with this person.
我甚至不知道...我甚至...而且我没有勇气，因为这段关系中没有为沟通、对抗和诚实创造一个安全的空间。
I don't even know I I don't even and, I don't have the courage because there's not a space a safe space being sort of created in this relationship for communication, for confrontation, for honesty.
所以我知道这很难。
So I know it's hard.
我知道这格外困难，但这是你必须做的。
I know it's extra hard, but it's what you have to do.
这是你必须做的。
It's what you have to do.
你必须说，你知道，我真的需要和你进行有实质内容的对话。
You have to be like, you know, I really need to have conversations of substance with you.
你明白吗？
You know?
而且我需要你不要对我使用冷暴力。
And and I I need you to not give me the silent treatment.
我需要你出现并回应我。
I need you to show up or respond to me.
跟我谈谈。
Talk to me.
要么这样要么就结束。
It's that or it's over.
抱歉。
Sorry.
另外在我继续之前，如果你的男朋友不想谈论未来，这对我来说是个危险信号。
Also too, before I move on, it's it's a red flag to me if your boyfriend doesn't want to talk about the future.
听着。
Like, listen.
我理解当关系还比较新时，对与伴侣规划未来感到焦虑。
I get being anxious about planning the future with a partner when maybe things are sort of new.
但如果你们已经在一起一两年了，我觉得这很正常。
But if you've been together for, like, a year or two, I mean, that's appropriate.
除非你才17岁左右。
Unless you're, like, 17.
如果你觉得没问题的话。
If you're okay.
如果你才17岁左右，我能理解这会让你的男朋友感到不安。
If you're, like, 17, I get that that would make your boyfriend uncomfortable.
你懂我意思吗？
You know?
但如果你已经二十多岁了，在我看来这完全合理。
But if you're in your twenties, it's fair game, in my opinion.
不过我也不确定。
I mean, I don't know.
有些人17岁就结婚也是一种生活态度。
Some people getting married at, like, 17 is a vibe.
我不会这么做，但也不会妄加评判。
I wouldn't do it, but I don't judge either.
所以，也许我们可以把年龄因素从那条建议中去掉。
So, actually, maybe maybe we can remove the age out of that piece of advice.
好吧。
Okay.
下一条，有人说：我的朋友们都不喜欢我男朋友，我不知道该相信/信任谁。
Next, somebody said, my friends don't like my boyfriend, and I don't know who to believe slash trust.
我希望大家都能和睦相处，但摩擦实在太多了。
I wish everyone could get along, but there's been so much friction.
我该怎么办？
What do I do?
嗯，这种情况确实不愉快，也绝非理想状态。
Well, this isn't fun, and it's definitely not ideal.
显然，我们的核心社交圈能融洽相处是非常重要的。
Obviously, it's very important for our inner circle to all meld well.
我是说，虽然不总能实现，但这确实非常有益。
I mean, it's not always possible, but it is definitely very helpful.
因为我认为拥有良好人生基础的关键，在于拥有一个彼此和睦相处、都能以某种方式支持你的稳固群体。
Because I think the key to having a good foundation in life is having a solid group of people that all get along that are all there for you in a way.
比如，我不知道这是家人、朋友和伴侣的组合，还是仅仅是一群非常要好的朋友，或者别的什么。
Like, I don't know whether it's a combination of family, friends, and a significant other, or maybe it's just a really wonderful group of friends or like, I don't know.
无论你的支持系统是什么，我认为重要的是所有相关的人都能和睦相处。
No matter what your support system is, I think it's important that everybody involved gets along.
问题是当情况并非如此时，你就无法从那个稳固的基础——那个稳固的社交基础中获益。
And the problem is when it's not, you don't get to benefit from that solid foundation, that solid social foundation.
甚至不单是社交基础，更像是整个人生的基础。
Not even social foundation, but it is just kind of like foundation.
如果这个基础让人感觉不到安全可靠，你就无法从中获益。
You don't get to reap the benefits of it if it doesn't feel safe and secure.
如果你的基础内部存在冲突，那就像是地基出现了裂缝。
If there's conflict within your foundation, that's sort of like a crack in your foundation.
它不够稳固。
It's less secure.
你会感到不安全。
You don't feel safe.
你会一直关注那道裂缝。
You're constantly focusing on that crack.
所以它甚至感觉不像是一个基础。
So it's not it doesn't even feel like a foundation.
感觉不对劲。
It feels off.
感觉不稳定。
It feels unstable.
我认为我们都应该努力建立那样稳定的基础。
And I think we should all strive to have a stable foundation in that way.
你明白吗？
You know?
它可以有无数种不同的表现形式。
And it can look a billion different ways.
对吧？
Right?
它不一定需要包括你的家人。
It doesn't necessarily need to involve your family.
也可以只是一群朋友和你的伴侣。
It could just be a group of friends and your significant other.
我们生命中有些阶段会缺乏人际基础，没有一个支持体系。
There are certain times in our life where we don't have a foundation of people, a support system.
这个词更准确。
That's the word for it.
支持体系。
Support system.
我刚才一直在用'基础'这个词。
I've been saying foundation.
但是，就像社交基础那样？
But, like, social foundation?
什么？
What?
我是说支持系统。
I meant support system.
你知道，我们不可能总是拥有完美的支持系统。
You know, we're not always going to have a perfect support system.
生活中总会有我们的支持系统出现问题的时刻。
There are gonna be times in our life where our support system is compromised.
但我认为一个强大的支持系统价值巨大，值得努力让所有人都和睦相处。
But I think there's so much value in a in a strong support system that I would say it's worth striving for to have everyone get along.
所以当面对这种情况时，好吧，你的朋友们不喜欢你的男朋友。
And so when it comes to dealing with this situation, okay, your friends don't like your boyfriend.
你有几种处理方式可以选择。
There's a few ways you can handle this.
第一，你可以选择站队。
Number one, you could pick a side.
这听起来很极端。
It sounds extreme.
但你自己要分析一下情况。
But by yourself, analyze the situation.
分析你的朋友们，为什么他们对你的男朋友有那样的看法，他们对你到底有多真心。
Analyze your friends, why they feel the way that they do about your boyfriend, how good of friends they are to you genuinely.
他们每次都会为你挺身而出吗？
Do they show up for you every single time?
他们对你有多支持？
How there for you are they?
他们是因为认识你一辈子所以特别保护你吗？
Are they super protective because they've known you their whole life?
还是说他们是半年前才认识的朋友？
Are they friends that you just met, like, six months ago?
你和他们没那么亲近吗？
Are you not that close with them?
比如，评估一下你们的友谊质量，在脑海里给你们的友情打个分。
Like, analyze the quality of your friendship and give your friendship with your friends sort of like a rating in your head.
比如，你知道吗？
Like, you know what?
这段友谊只能算A-。
This friendship is an A minus.
比如，我在这个群体中的体验非常美好，或者我从小就认识他们，我们之间有着非常美好、牢固且互相支持的关系。
Like, my experience in this group has been really wonderful, or I've known them my whole life, and we have, like, a really beautiful, strong, supportive relationship.
或者你也可以这样想，你知道吗？
Or you could be like, you know what?
老实说，我只给他们打D-。
I give them a D minus, honestly.
是啊。
Yeah.
我认识他们一辈子了，但他们其实挺爱嫉妒的。
I've known them my whole life, but they're actually kind of haters.
他们总有点盼着我倒霉的样子，而且其他人都单身。
Like, they're always kinda preying on my downfall, and everybody else is single.
也许他们就是嫉妒我有男朋友。
And, like, maybe they are just jealous that I have a boyfriend.
给你和朋友的友谊打个分吧。
Like, give your friendship with your friends a rating.
然后分析一下你的男朋友。
Then analyze your boyfriend.
把他拆解剖析。
Pick him apart.
反正是你内心深处的私密想法。
You're in the privacy of your own mind.
把他拆解剖析然后打个分。
Pick him apart and give him a rating.
他这个男朋友有多好？
How good of a boyfriend is he?
你朋友们的担忧有道理吗？
Are your friends' concerns valid at all?
你能理解他们的出发点吗？
Can you see where they're coming from?
然后从那里开始，选一边站。
And then from there, pick a side.
我不知道这么说是不是疯了，但有可能看起来这里有人错了，要么是你的朋友们，要么是你男朋友。
I don't know if that's crazy to say, but, like, there's a chance it seems that someone's wrong here, either your friends or your boyfriend.
总有一方有问题。
Somebody's a problem.
如果你的朋友们真心爱你关心你，而你男朋友可能不是他们最喜欢的人，但他本质上无害，如果他让你非常快乐，他们会想办法接受他的。
If your friends genuinely love you and care about you and your boyfriend maybe isn't their favorite person, but he is ultimately harmless, they'll find a way to accept him if he's making you very happy.
这才叫好朋友。
Like, that's a good friend.
现在想想，你其实不一定非要选边站。
Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess you don't necessarily need to pick a side.
我认为你需要先弄清楚谁有问题，是男友还是朋友，然后去面对你认为有问题的那一方。
Well, I think you need to start by figuring out who's in the wrong here, boyfriend or friends, and then confront the one that you think is the problem.
试着找出问题的根源。
Try to get to the bottom of it.
试着解决它。
Try to solve it.
也有可能双方都没有对错之分。
Now there's a chance that both sides are neither right or wrong.
这种情况下你该怎么办？
And what do you do in that situation?
如果你的朋友对你伴侣的担忧是有道理的，也许他确实有点烦人。
If your friends are valid in their concerns about your partner, maybe he's kind of annoying.
也许他不是坏人，但就是有点烦人。
Maybe he's not a bad guy, but he's kind of annoying.
又或者你的朋友们觉得你能找到更好的对象。
Or maybe your friends think you can do better.
这本身并没有错。
That's not inherently wrong.
但假设你爱你的男朋友，而且你也认为他很优秀。
But let's say you love your boyfriend and you think he's also great.
你明白吗？
You know?
你和他在一起真的很幸福。
You actually are really happy with him.
我觉得在这种情况下，你需要给朋友们下最后通牒，告诉他们：听着。
I think in that case, you need to sort of make an ultimatum with your friends and say, listen.
我需要我支持体系中的每个人都能和睦相处，互相包容。
Like, I need everybody in my support system to be aligned and to be able to tolerate each other.
我实在，我实在无法忍受这种情况。
And I can't, like, I can't handle this.
你知道吗？
You know?
你要么就得放手，要么...我也不知道该说什么好了。
You're gonna either need to let it go or, like, I don't know what to tell you.
我无法再跟你相处了。
Like, I can't spend time with you.
因为这在我的核心圈子里制造了冲突，在我的支持系统中造成了裂痕，而我急需这个系统保持完整。
Like, I because this is creating conflict in my inner circle, in my in in in my support system that I need to be intact so so badly.
或者你也可以试着让他们保持距离。
Or you could potentially attempt to keep them separate.
但我觉得这不是真正的解决办法，因为你的朋友们还是会说他坏话。
I just think that that doesn't feel like a a, like, proper solution because your friends are still gonna talk shit about him.
我是说，也许保持距离确实能奏效。
You know, even if I mean, maybe keeping keeping them separate could work.
但如果你想办个晚宴，那就完蛋了。
But then now if you wanna throw a dinner party, you're like, fuck.
我是邀请我的朋友，还是邀请我的男朋友，还是两个都邀请？
Do I invite my friends, or do I invite my boyfriend, or do I invite both?
然后，我的朋友表现得怪怪的。
And then, like, my friends are are acting weird.
你懂我的意思吗？
You know what I'm saying?
我几乎认为你可能必须二选一。
I almost think you might have to choose one or the other.
我不确定这是否太极端了。
And I I I'm not sure if that's too extreme.
这就是为什么我总是在节目开头说，对我的建议持保留态度。
And this is why I always say at the beginning of the episode, take my advice with a grain of salt.
但我真心相信，一个强大的支持系统——不需要每个人都成为最好的朋友，但大家能互相包容——我认为这非常重要。
But I really do believe that a strong support system where everyone can tolerate one another everyone doesn't need to be best friends, but everyone can tolerate each other, I think, is so important.
所以我认为关键在于尝试解决这个像拼图一样的难题。
And so I think the key is to try to figure out it's like a puzzle.
试着找出一个让所有人都能和睦相处、友好相待、互相喜欢的方法。
Try to figure out a way for everyone to get along and everyone to be friendly and everyone to like each other.
甚至不一定要互相喜欢，但至少要能和睦相处、互相包容。
Not even necessarily like each other, but get along and tolerate one another.
在寻找这个答案的过程中，如果你发现，哦，我的朋友们真的很不好相处，也许这说明他们不是真正的好朋友。
And on the journey to figuring that out, if you're realizing like, oh, my friends are being really difficult, maybe that's a sign that they're not good friends.
如果在探索过程中你发现，等等，我的男朋友确实有点糟糕，也许你的朋友们说得有道理，但只有你自己能走完这段旅程。
If on the journey you discover, wait, my boyfriend actually does kinda suck, maybe your friends are onto something, but only you can go on that journey.
祝你好运。
And I wish you luck.
就这样。
And that's it.
这就是今天的建议环节。
That is it for today's advice session.
希望你喜欢。
I hope you enjoyed it.
如果喜欢，每隔一周的周日就有新的建议环节。
If you did, new episodes of advice session every other Sunday.
《随心所欲》每周四和周日更新。
New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
你可以在YouTube和Spotify观看，几乎在任何地方都能收听。
You can watch on YouTube and Spotify and listen literally anywhere.
《随心所欲》的社交媒体账号是Anything Goes。
Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes.
我的网络账号是Emma Chamberlain，我的咖啡品牌在全球和线上都有，叫Chamberlain Coffee。
I'm on the Internet at Emma Chamberlain, and my coffee companies in the world and online at Chamberlain Coffee.
我爱你们所有人。
I love you all.
我非常感激你们。
I appreciate you all.
给你们建议总是件愉快的事，我都不敢相信你们居然会听进去。
It's always a pleasure to give you advice, and I can't believe that you even kind of listened to it.
这真是我的荣幸。
Like, it's an honor.
不过请别太当真。
But take it with a grain of salt.
我每期建议节目都要说上500遍，因为你们千万别全信我的话实在太重要了——毕竟我并非无所不知，对吧？
I'll say that 500 times per advice session episode if I have to because it's so important that you take it with a grain of salt because I do not know all, do I?
当然不是。
No.
我确实不懂。
I don't.
我爱你们所有人。
I love you all.
我真心感激大家。
I appreciate you all.
感谢你们的收听。
Thank you for listening.
感谢你们的陪伴。
Thank you for hanging out.
过几天再聊。
I'll talk to you soon in a few days.
在那之前，继续保持你们的超棒状态。
And until then, keep being freaking awesome.
好的。
Okay.
爱你们。
Love you.
再见。
Bye.
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