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怎么了，老爹帮？
What is up, daddy gang?
我是你们的开山鼻祖，亚历克斯·库珀。
It is your founding father, Alex Cooper.
这里是《叫她老爹》节目。
With Call Her Daddy.
老爹。
Daddy.
老爹。
Daddy.
老爹。
Daddy.
欢迎回到《叫她老爹》节目。
Welcome back to Call Her Daddy.
本周的嘉宾就是你们，老爹帮。
The guest this week is you, daddy gang.
你们就是嘉宾，而我正在采访你们。
You are the guest, and I am interviewing you.
今天我想进行一次非常坦诚的对话，探讨你们人生中最重要的决定之一——选择谁作为人生伴侣。
I wanna have a very honest conversation today to explore one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make in your life, which is who you choose as your life partner.
在继续之前，显然我需要先澄清一点。
Now, before I move forward, I just obviously need to clarify.
我并不是说寻找伴侣或丈夫应该成为你人生的唯一目标。
I am not saying that finding a partner or a husband should be the sole purpose of your life.
我们的人生价值显然远不止于此。
We are all so much more than that, obviously.
我也知道今天在听的观众中，有些人可能对此完全不感兴趣，甚至根本不想要这些。
And there are people listening, I acknowledge today, who may not even be interested in that and may not want that.
这完全没问题。
And that is perfectly okay.
不过今天我想讨论的是，如果你是一个想要一夫一妻制关系或想要结婚的人，那么选择谁作为人生伴侣这个决定就至关重要。
What I wanna talk about today though, is if you are someone who wants a monogamous relationship, and or wants to get married, then the decision of who you choose as your life partner is so important.
因为它对你的心理健康乃至整体幸福感都会产生深远影响，对吧？
Because the effect that it has on your mental health and just your overall well-being, right?
它可能影响你生活的方方面面。
It can impact every single aspect of your life.
所以今天，我们将深入探讨，我只想提出一些问题，希望能让你思考那些或许从未考虑过、或一直在回避的事情。
So today, we are gonna get really deep, and I just wanna pose some questions to you that can hopefully get you thinking about things that maybe you've never considered before, or maybe have been avoiding.
现在让我们稍作回溯，提供些背景——之所以思考这个问题，是因为我父母最近刚庆祝了他们四十周年的结婚纪念日。
So now let's rewind for a second to give you all context of like, why this is on my mind is because my parents recently just celebrated forty years of marriage together.
我们全家外出庆祝，共进了晚餐。
And my family and I went out and we celebrated, we went to a dinner.
当晚充满了幸福的泪水，因为后来变成了我和兄弟姐妹们追问父母：'你们是怎么做到的？'
And there were a lot of happy tears because the night turned into me and my siblings asking my parents, how have you guys done it?
你们是如何维系这段关系的？
How have you made it work?
为什么你们至今仍如此相爱？
How are you still so in love?
我父母分享的那些智慧和忠告，当晚离开时我真心觉得，天啊，真希望我能录下来直接上传到播客里给大家听。
And truly the wisdom and advice that my parents were sharing, I literally left that night being like, oh my god, I wish I could have recorded that and just uploaded that to the podcast for you guys.
因为不仅每个人都值得拥有那种爱，更重要的是首先要明白该寻找什么，以及你该为自己设定怎样的标准。
Because not only does everyone deserve that type of love, but the first step is knowing what to look for and the standards that you should set for yourself.
所以我最终记下了很多内容。
So I ended up writing a bunch of stuff down.
之后，我又继续联系了其他几对我敬重、钦佩且深知他们为感情付出努力的伴侣。
And then after that, I continued to reach out to other couples who I look up to, who I respect, and who I know have put in the work.
这就是本期节目的由来。
And so that is what this episode is.
我们将把所有智慧结晶汇聚起来，分解成一场非常具体的对话，希望能帮助你评估自己究竟想从生活中获得什么。
It is going to be a conglomeration of all of that wisdom broken down into hopefully a very tangible conversation that helps you evaluate what you want out of life.
因为无论你是单身正在寻找伴侣，还是身处一段关系并怀疑对方是否合适，亦或已经结婚却偶尔暗自思忖'我选对人了吗'——
Because whether you're single and you're searching for your person, you're in a relationship wondering if he or she is the right one, or maybe you're already married and sometimes quietly asking yourself, did I choose the right person?
无论你处于哪个阶段，我相信这期节目都能给每个人带来一些启发。
Regardless of where you're at, I think there is something in this episode for everyone.
那么，老爸帮，我们开始吧。
So, daddy gang, Let's get into it.
好的，我们这就开始。
So here we go.
今天的问题是，你怎么知道？
The question of the day is, how do you know?
你怎么知道在约会结婚或只是约会寻找人生伴侣时应该寻找什么特质。
How do you know what you should be looking for when you're dating to marry or you're just dating, right, to find your life partner.
还有，听着，我注意到今天收看节目的每一位观众，你们来自不同的背景，拥有与其他听众不同的观点和信仰。
And also, listen, I recognize everyone who is tuning in today and watching this, like, you are an individual coming from different backgrounds and you have different perspectives and beliefs as the other listeners.
所以，你在关系中想要的，可能和你的朋友或我想要的不同，这没关系。
So like, what you want in a relationship may not be the same as your friend or the same as me, and that is okay.
只要你能辨别出对你来说什么是重要的，这就是今天最重要的。
As long as you're able to decipher what is important to you, that's all that matters today.
所以当我和父母共进晚餐时，他们反复提到的最重要的一点就是他们关系的根基。
So one of the biggest things when I was at this dinner with my parents that they kept going back to was the foundation of their relationship.
他们关系的成功真正建立在核心价值观一致的基础上。
And its success was really built upon the alignment they had when it came to their core values.
他们强调彼此相爱。
And they emphasized they're in love with each other.
当然，他们互相吸引，但这只是最简单的部分。
Of course, they're attracted to each other, but that's the easy part.
当困难来临时，仅靠爱情是远远不够的。
When things get hard, love can only get you so far.
如果你们对生活的根本看法和处理方式截然不同，那就无计可施了，对吧？
If you fundamentally view and approach life differently, there's not much you can do, right?
所以我做了笔记。
So guys, I took notes.
好的。
Okay.
我想谈谈价值观这个话题，感觉你们经常听到这个词。
I wanna talk about like, I feel like you always hear like values.
你们有相同的价值观吗？
Do you have the same values?
比如，你们重视相同的事物吗？
Like, do you value the same things?
然后你会说，是啊是啊是啊。
And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
但问题是，什么才是核心的人生价值观？
But it's like, what actually are core life values?
这到底意味着什么？
Like, what does that even mean?
这包括你对子女、财务、家庭、宗教、政治和性的看法。
That is your view on kids, finances, family, religion, politics, and sex.
所以我认为我们应该从最简单的一个开始。
So I think we should start with one of the easiest ones.
让我们先从孩子这个话题开始。
Let's start with kids.
你会说，什么？
You're like, what?
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
对。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
对。
Yeah.
从孩子开始说起。
Start with kids.
好吗？
Okay?
在你们的关系中讨论孩子远不止是说‘哦，是啊，我觉得有一天能有孩子挺好的’。
Talking about kids in your relationship is way more than just like, oh, yeah, I think it'd be nice to have them one day.
要想真正知道你们是否一致，你们确实需要深入探讨。
Like in order to actually know if you're aligned, you do need to go deeper.
所以，是的，显然，对话可以从最基础的‘你想要孩子吗？’开始。
So yes, obviously, the conversation can be start with like the literally, do you want kids?
如果他们想要而你也想要，你们就得继续深入。
And if they do and you do, you have to keep going.
他们理想中想要几个孩子？
How many kids would they ideally want?
这还是简单的部分。
That's still easy.
对吧？
Right?
比如，他们设想的是小家庭还是大家庭？
Like, do they envision having a small or a large family?
然后你们打算什么时候要孩子？
And then when do you want them?
你们理想的生育年龄是多少岁？
And what is your ideal age to to start trying for a baby?
你们想先结婚几年再要孩子吗？
Do you want to be married for a few years first?
在组建家庭之前，你们是否有特定的职业目标想要达成？
Is there like a specific career milestone that you wanna hit before you start building a family?
我去年曾跟大家分享过，我关于生育的时间规划发生了变化。
I had shared with you guys this past year that my timeline around having children changed.
我并不是说这些决定必须百分百不可更改，但重要的是要确保你们至少在大方向上是一致的。
So I'm not saying that these decisions need to be 100% set in stone, but it is important to make sure that you're at least in the same ballpark as each other.
并且你们能在共同愿景和生活规划上达成共识。
And that you can both find common ground on what it is you want and what you see for yourselves.
举个例子，如果一方想要两个孩子而另一方想要四个，这比一方渴望为人父母而另一方根本不想生孩子的情况更容易妥协。
For example, if one partner thinks that they want to have two children and the other one wants to have four, that's much easier to compromise on than if one partner wants nothing more than to be a parent and the other one doesn't even want kids at all.
对吧？
Right?
相信我，试图改变伴侣在如此核心价值观上的立场不仅极其困难，甚至可能带来潜在问题。
And trust me, trying to change your partner's mind on this large of a core value is not only gonna be really difficult, but it can be borderline problematic.
我在录制这期节目前咨询过的一位朋友，她之前的婚姻就是因为这个原因破裂的。
One of my friends who I spoke to before this episode had a previous marriage that didn't work out for this exact reason.
在结婚前他们讨论过孩子的问题，她百分百确定自己想要孩子。
Leading up to getting married, they were having conversations about kids, and she knew 100% that she wanted them.
而他非常坦诚地表示，由于童年阴影，他觉得自己并不真正想要孩子。
And he was really honest and open that because of his difficult childhood, he didn't think that he really wanted kids.
她带着'婚后随着年龄增长他会改变主意'的想法走进了婚姻。
And she went into the marriage thinking that he would change his mind once he got older and they were actually married.
你们猜怎么着？
And guess what?
这并没有发生。
That didn't happen.
所以他们经历了一场令人心碎的离婚。
And so they had a really heartbreaking divorce.
因为尽管他们之间有着深厚的爱意，但她想要组建家庭。
Because although there was so much love there and they were in love, she wanted to start a family.
当她回顾往事并和我谈起时，她承认自己当时只看到了想看到的东西。
And when she was reflecting back and talking to me about it, she acknowledges that she saw what she wanted to see.
她意识到自己把一个重大问题掩盖了起来，因为她说服自己说'哦，不，他会改变主意的'。
She realized that she swept a really big issue under the rug because she convinced herself that like, oh, no, no, He'll change his mind.
他会改变主意的。
He'll change his mind.
我的看法是这样的。
Here's my take.
显然，人们可以改变主意，在人生追求方面不断成长。
People can obviously change their mind and evolve regarding, you know, what they want out of life.
而我认为这正是身为人类最美好的特质之一。
And I actually think that's one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human being.
当你最终改变对某事的看法时，那真的很棒。
And it's like, when you do eventually change your view on something, that's awesome.
这非常好。
That's great.
但当有人向你表明立场时，你必须倾听并认真对待，亲爱的朋友们。
But when someone is telling you where they stand, you have to listen, and you have to take it seriously, daddy gang.
因为假设她真能说服他。
Because let's say she was somehow able to convince him.
对吧？
Right?
也许她让他松口说：'好吧好吧，或许我会...是的，或许我会考虑'。
Maybe she got him to be like, yeah, yeah, like maybe I'll yeah, maybe I will.
是啊。
Yeah.
比如，或者可能好吧。
Like, or like maybe okay.
当一个人仅仅为了取悦伴侣而在如此重大的事情上改变主意时，这是非常不健康的。
It's so unhealthy when someone changes their mind about something this large solely to appease their partner.
这将在未来引发诸多问题。
That is gonna cause such issues down the road.
我知道当你爱上一个人时，这可能极其困难，尤其是感觉你们在生活的那个方面不一致时。
And I know it can be extremely difficult when you are in love with someone and it it just feels like you're not aligned on that one aspect of life.
对吧？
Right?
就是那一个问题。
It's just that one thing.
如果我们能解决那一个问题就好了，因为其他一切都很完美。
If we could just fix that one thing because everything else is great.
相信我，这只会弊大于利。
Trust me, it will do more damage than good.
这不过是权宜之计。
It's just a band aid.
所以关于孩子问题，我的建议是：认真倾听伴侣在这个价值观上的真实想法。
So my advice with kids is like, listen to what your partner is telling you when it comes to this value.
对吧？
Right?
关于孩子的另一个鲜少被讨论的问题——我妈妈曾和我聊过——就是当你们难以生育时会怎样？
Another thing about kids that I think people really don't talk about, and my mom was talking to me about this is like, what happens when you struggle to have them?
显然，生育对每个人而言都不同，对部分女性来说可能极其困难甚至无法实现。
Obviously, having children looks different for everyone and can be really, really difficult or even impossible for some women.
所以观看节目的女性朋友们，在决定与伴侣共度一生前，你们应该先问清楚：
So ladies watching this, you should be asking your partner before you decide to sign up for a life with them.
‘假如我们难以怀孕，你会如何面对这种情况？’
Hey, if we struggled to get pregnant, hypothetically, like, how would you cope with that?
他们能接受试管婴儿吗？
Would they be open to IVF?
他们会考虑领养吗？
Would they ever consider adoption?
我也完全理解当你刚开始进行这些对话时的感受。
And I also fully understand when you first start having these conversations.
对吧？
Right?
你正处于试图弄清楚这个人是否是你人生伴侣的过程中。
You're like, you're in progress of trying to figure out, is this your life partner?
你们已经交往一段时间了。
You're dating for a while.
可能已经同居了。
Maybe you've moved in.
我明白当你首次提出这个话题时——尤其是关于孩子——他可能从未思考过这个问题，但你能感受到他的态度。
Like, I get that when you're broaching this topic, especially with kids, this may not be something that he's thought about before, but you can catch a vibe.
如果你询问他对孩子的看法，而他总是回避话题或把对话焦点转向他自己而非你，看在上帝的份上，请相信你的直觉。
If you ask him his thoughts on kids and he is constantly swerving the conversation or somehow making it more about him than you, please, for the love of God, listen to your gut.
我稍后会从孩子的话题转移开，因为我意识到很多人可能并不想要孩子。
I'm gonna move on from kids in a second because I also recognize there's a lot of people that may not want kids.
但最后关于这个具体话题，我想说，我们还在讨论相对简单的部分。
But lastly, on this one specific topic, will say, we're still talking kind of about the easy part.
对吧？
Right?
你在幻想并憧憬着希望拥有的生活。
You're fantasizing and dreaming about the life you'll hopefully have.
天啊，这太有趣了。
Oh my god, this is so fun.
你想要几个孩子？
How many kids do you want?
等等，你想要几个孩子来着？
Wait, how many kids do you want?
如果一切顺利，怀孕超级容易的话，我们会有... 天啊，他们叫什么名字呢？
And oh my god, if everything works out and it's super easy to conceive and we have this, like, what are their names?
但有了孩子之后会发生什么？
But then what happens after you have kids?
对吧？
Right?
你的伴侣是否希望你整天在家带孩子？
Does your partner expect you to stay home with the kids all day?
你对此有何感受？
And how do you feel about that?
你将如何与伴侣分担育儿责任？
How will you divide up the childcare responsibilities with your partner?
各位，我知道这些问题可能很难立即得到确切答案，尤其是第一次提出时。
And like, guys, I know again, these questions that I'm asking you, like, you may not be able to get the exact firm answers to, especially the first time that you bring them up.
但我甚至想建议你先从自己内心开始思考。
But even I would almost urge you just start within yourself.
你认为你的伴侣会如何回答这些问题？
What do you think your partner's answer will be to all these questions?
我真心相信，在大多数情况下，你其实很清楚他们会如何回答。
I truly believe that more than half the time, you actually know exactly what their answer will be.
因为当你与某人建立关系时，你会了解他们的道德观和价值观。
Because when you're in a relationship with someone, you learn their morals and their values.
你知道他们是如何对待你的。
You know how they treat you.
你观察他们如何对待生活中和世界上的其他人。
You watch how they treat other people in their life and in the world.
大多数时候，答案就摆在你的面前。
Most of the time, the answer is right in front of you.
所以你必须停止逃避，因为这即将成为你的现实和生活。
So you have to stop avoiding it because that is about to be your reality and your life.
好的，我们继续。
Okay, let's keep going.
因为我觉得如果不认真讨论金钱问题，就无法真正严肃地谈论孩子。
Because I feel like you cannot talk about kids seriously without talking seriously about money.
金钱至上，亲爱的。
Money, honey.
好的。
Okay.
当你考虑与某人共建生活时，必须清楚了解伴侣的财务状况，这是铁律。
When you are looking to build a life with someone, you need to be aware of your partner's finances, full stop.
你需要知道伴侣的年收入、房租或贷款等财务承诺，以及他们的整体财务目标。
You need to know how much your partner makes in a year, what their financial commitments like rent or loans are, and what their overall financial goals are.
因为如果你们要融合彼此的生活，某种程度上你们的财务也必将融合。
Because if you're merging your life with someone, you are most likely going to be merging your finances in some capacity with them.
现在，我要说得很清楚。
Now, I wanna be so clear.
我并不是说对方必须腰缠万贯才能成为你的真命天子/天女。
I am not saying that in order for someone to be the one you need to be making bank, they need to be making bank and all this money.
我的意思是，你必须清楚了解与伴侣共同承担的财务现状，确保双方目标一致。
What I'm saying is that you need to be aware of the financial situation that you're signing up for with your partner so that you can make sure you are both aligned.
你想要联名银行账户吗？
Do you want a joint bank account?
你不想要吗？
Do you not?
你擅长做预算吗？
How are you at budgeting?
你想要婚前协议吗？
Do you want a prenup?
哪些生活开支对你来说是必需的？
What lifestyle costs are essential to you?
你的财务优先事项是什么？
What are your financial priorities?
我完全理解比较你们的401k计划并不是最吸引人的话题，但你们在储蓄或投资方式上达成一致了吗？
I totally understand that comparing your four zero one k's isn't exactly the hottest conversation, but are you aligned on the way that you are approaching savings or investing?
你们各自都有401k计划吗？
Do each of you have a four zero one k?
你知道这个人的信用评分是多少吗？
Do you know what this person's credit score is?
他甚至知道去哪里查自己的信用评分吗？
Does he even know where to find his credit score?
你肯定不想成为那种刚结婚就发现丈夫欠了9万美元信用卡债务，而自己却毫不知情的人。
You don't wanna be the person who shortly after getting married realizes that her husband is $90,000 in credit card debt, and you had no idea.
现在这某种程度上也成了你的责任。
And now it's somewhat your responsibility.
我认为与伴侣坦诚讨论职业目标和人生抱负非常重要。
I think it's really important to have an open discussion with your partner about your career goals and your ambitions.
那么，关于工作与生活的平衡呢？
What about, you know, work life balance?
就像那句老话说的：你是为了工作而生活，还是为了生活而工作？
It's the classic saying like, do you live to work or do you work to live?
这个问题没有标准答案。
There is no right answer.
对你和伴侣来说，存在一个正确答案。
There's a right answer for you and your partner.
但我现在可以告诉你，无论答案是什么，这绝对会影响你们的关系。
But I can tell you right now, it's definitely going to affect your relationship, whatever that answer is.
如果你们想法不一致，又从不沟通，这会严重破坏你们的相处模式。
And if you're on different pages, and you never discuss it, it's gonna heavily impact your dynamic.
马特和我目前都是工作狂。
Matt and I are both workaholics right now.
他的进取心正是我觉得他非常吸引我的特质之一。
And his drive is one of the things that I find really, really attractive about him.
在某些阶段，我们确实会把事业放在首位。
And we definitely prioritize our careers in certain moments.
我们之前的感情都曾因此产生矛盾。
And we both had previous relationships where that was a pain point.
前任伴侣都怨恨我们没能让他们感受到被重视。
And our partners resented that we didn't make them feel prioritized.
但这确实适合马特和我，我们在这方面是一致的。
But it is something that really works for Matt and I, and we are aligned on.
所以我最后的想法是，在恋爱关系中财务方面不应该有任何秘密。
So my final thought is just there should be no secrecy when it comes to finances in your relationship.
如果一方是主要经济支柱，这不应赋予他们更多权力，也无权在你们是认真交往的伴侣关系中对另一方隐瞒信息。
If one person is more of the breadwinner, it should not give them more power and the right to withhold information from you if you are in a committed partnership.
好的。
Okay.
所以我们讨论了孩子、事业和财务。
So we have kids, we have career and finances.
伙计们，我们进展神速啊。
Guys, we're crushing.
这简直太轻松了。
This is like easy.
明白吗？
Okay?
但别高兴得太早，因为接下来这个可能是所有话题中最棘手的。
But don't get too comfortable because this next one may truly be the trickiest of them all.
我们来聊聊家庭吧。
Let's talk about family.
他的家庭、她的家庭、你的家庭，家庭啊。
His family, her family, your family, family.
噢，家庭。
Oh, family.
正好赶上第二个假期季，这个话题太应景了。
Right around the holiday season two, this is perfect.
家庭问题确实很棘手，因为这很大程度上涉及到优先事项、边界设定，以及处理那些在你出现前就长期存在的家庭关系。
Family is a really tough one because a lot of it comes down to priorities and boundary setting and navigating dynamics that existed way before you came into the picture.
其实在恋爱初期你就能感受到这些。
And you can get a sense of this early into dating.
对吧？
Right?
你与伴侣及其家人相处的时间越多（或越少），就越能理解其中的动态关系，了解伴侣在家庭中的角色定位，以及他们家人对待他和你方式。
The more you spend time with your partner and their family or don't spend time, you're gonna begin to understand the dynamic, the role that your partner plays in their family, and how their family treats them and you.
各位，每个家庭都有自己的包袱。
Guys, every single family has baggage.
这是无法避免的。
There's no way around it.
但关键在于，你和伴侣在处理方式上是否达成一致？
But my question is like, are you and your partner align on how you handle it?
我记得曾认真交往过的一个男生，他与父母的关系非常非常不健康。
I remember a guy that I was seriously dating had a very, very unhealthy relationship with his parents.
说实话，在恋爱初期我并没太在意，因为他会轻松地和我聊这些事，而我也愿意倾听。
And I don't know, like at first glance in the early days of dating, I didn't really think much of it because he would lightly talk about it with me and I was there for him.
有时候这甚至成了我们之间的情感纽带——谁家还没点糟心事呢？
And sometimes it was honestly just like a bonding moment for the two of us and whose family isn't a little fucked up.
对吧？
Right?
但随着我们的关系逐渐深入，我开始真正成为这个家庭动态中更为固定的因素，一起过节，参加家庭旅行等等。
But then once our relationship started to get more serious, and I was starting to become an actual more permanent factor in now this family dynamic, spending holidays together, right, like going on family trips or whatever.
我开始感受到那种极不健康的边界缺失，而我也被卷入了其中。
I started to feel the extraordinarily unhealthy lack of boundaries that I was now being pulled into.
我很快意识到这将会如何影响我的余生——如果我选择与他共度的话。
And it quickly dawned on me how this would impact the rest of my life and if I did choose to spend it with him.
我需要强调的是，我之所以深刻意识到这对我产生的负面影响，并非因为未来公婆的不当行为。
And I need to emphasize that the reason that I became acutely aware of how negative of an impact it would have on me was not because of the inappropriate behavior from my potential in laws.
说真的，哪个家庭没点破事呢。
Like, that is literally gonna be every fucking family.
我觉得每个人和公婆之间都会有些别扭。
I feel like everyone's gonna have a weird one with their in laws.
这太典型了。
That is a classic.
但真正让我醒悟的是，我的伴侣面对家人越界和不当行为时的处理方式——这让我明白当家庭关系变得不健康时，他永远不会保护我们的关系或我。
But it was the way that my partner handled the mistreatment and the boundary crossing that made me realize he was never going to protect our relationship or me when things got unhealthy with his family.
因为我会提出来
Because I would bring it up.
然后我会再次提出来
And then I would bring it up again.
我想说得很清楚
And I wanna be really clear.
我对不健康的家庭有着极大的同情、理解和亲身经历
I have so much compassion and understanding and experience with unhealthy families.
我明白你无法选择自己的家人
I get you don't get to pick your family.
有时候，打破这些从第一天起就存在的模式是世界上最困难的事
And sometimes, it is the hardest thing in the world to break these patterns that have been there since day one.
但这次情况不同
But this wasn't that.
很快就变成了他和他的家人联合对抗我
It quickly became him and his family versus me.
如此频繁，以至于我会感到被疏远。
So often that I would feel alienated.
我在公开场合受到不尊重，而我的伴侣从未尝试过认可我、安慰我或改变任何现状。
I was publicly being disrespected, and my partner never made any attempt to validate me, to comfort me, or to change anything.
他立刻就变回了那个在父母家中的小男孩模样。
He just fell immediately back into who he was as a little boy in that house with his parents.
这有点像，你知道的，他就只是觉得事情就是这样，而且不会改变。
It was kind of, you know, like, he was just kinda like, this is the way things are, and they're not changing.
他对心理治疗毫无兴趣。
He had no interest in therapy.
所以对我来说，我觉得这段关系根本不可能继续下去。
And so for me, I was like, this there's no way this is gonna ever work.
我知道这真的非常非常困难。
And I know it's really, really hard.
但是亲爱的家人们，这是你们必须考虑的事情。
But daddy gang, this is something that you have to consider.
你的伴侣是否真心愿意打破这些不健康的模式？
Is your partner honestly interested in breaking unhealthy patterns?
这些模式可能在他家族中代代相传，但他愿意为此付出努力。
That yes, may be transgenerational in his family, but he's willing to do the work.
这并不意味着过程会很快。
Doesn't mean it's gonna be quick.
这并不意味着过程会容易。
Doesn't mean it's gonna be easy.
极有可能，这将伴随你们余生。
This could most likely, this is going to be for the rest of your life.
对吧？
Right?
就像，你嫁给了他的整个家庭。
Like, you're marrying his family.
每个人的家庭都有问题。
Everyone's family's fucked up.
你的伴侣是否愿意付出努力来保护你们的关系，既保护你们各自，也保护你们作为一对伴侣？
Are they willing though, your partner, to do the work to protect your relationship and protect both both of you individually and as a couple?
我并非在此评判每个人在个人承受能力上的界限。
I'm not here to judge anyone on the threshold of what you are capable of personally handling.
但我只是提出这些问题，亲爱的听众们，坦诚地讨论你们的家庭动态和过往问题，在建立牢固伴侣关系基础时至关重要。
But I'm just asking these questions, daddy gang, of like, talking openly about your family dynamics and past issues is so, so, so important when you're building a strong foundation as a couple.
你们正在建立一种伙伴关系。
You're building a partnership.
我理解家庭既特别又神圣，同时也非常复杂。
I get that family is special and sacred and also so complicated.
但如果你的需求总是被排在家庭纠纷之后，这会对你的心理造成伤害。
But if your needs are constantly being put second to their family's drama, it's gonna take a toll on you.
你必须确保你和伴侣在家庭问题上达成一致，明确双方的界限，知道哪些是你们愿意容忍的，哪些不是。
And you have to make sure that you are aligned with your partner on boundaries when it comes to family and what you are both willing and not willing to put up with.
我知道这很难，因为我觉得对所有人来说都很难，因为需要合适的时机向伴侣提出这个话题，他们可能会很防备。
I know that's a really tough one because I just feel like everyone it's so it's so hard because it's it it it takes a second to broach the topic with your partner because they can be defensive.
因为这样你们就会比较谁的家庭更糟糕。
Because then you compare, like, whose family is more fucked up.
我理解。
I get it.
但当你持续观察伴侣的行为模式时，他们是否在这些时刻实质上抛弃了你？
But as you continue to watch patterns with your partner, are they essentially just abandoning you in these moments?
然后你就会想：等等，我们在家时和在这里时完全不同，我好像完全失去了你。
And you're left to be like, wait, wait, when we're home, it's completely different than when we're here, I like completely lose you.
这是怎么回事？
What's going on?
这些就是你需要注意的狗屁事情。
That's the shit you have to start look to look out for.
好的。
Okay.
爸爸帮，我们差不多快走出困境了。
Daddy King, we're like kinda almost out of the trenches.
我们已经进行过许多重要的对话了。
We've had a lot of the big conversations.
下一个话题我会简短些。
The next one is a little I'm gonna keep this short.
好吗？
Okay?
不过下一个话题确实是。
But the next one is yeah.
这个有点棘手。
This isn't this is a little bit of a doozy.
好的。
Okay.
下一个话题是宗教。
The next one is religion.
各位，这期节目多有意思啊？
Guys, how fun is this episode?
没有什么比坠入爱河更性感的事了。
There is nothing sexier than falling in love.
伙计们，这他妈是人生中最容易的部分了。
That's the easiest fucking part of being in this life, you guys.
坠入爱河，哦，真要命。
Falling in love, oh, fuck me.
太有意思了。
So fun.
就是这种破事让你觉得，这就是为什么感情无法持久。
It's this shit that then you're like, this is why shit doesn't last.
因为没多少人会认真审视这些该死的条件，真正确认你们是否契合。
Cause not a lot of people go through these fucking items and actually make sure, are you aligned?
那么现在我们来聊聊宗教。
So here we go religion.
哇哦。
Woo.
好的。
Okay.
你们可能知道，我是在天主教家庭长大的，而马特是犹太人。
Some of you may know, I was raised Catholic and Matt is Jewish.
在我们订婚之前，我们进行了很多很多次对话，讨论宗教将在我们的婚姻中扮演什么角色。
And before we got engaged, we had a lot of conversations, a lot a lot of conversations about the role that religion would play in our marriage.
宗教将如何融入我们的婚礼仪式？
How would religion factor into our wedding ceremony?
我们将共同庆祝哪些节日和传统？
What holidays and traditions would we honor together?
我们想怎样养育我们的孩子？
How do we wanna raise our children?
我无法想象如果没有那些深入细致的亲密对话，今天怎么能和马特结婚，尤其是当我们考虑要孩子的时候。
And I cannot imagine being married to Matt today without having had all those really detailed intimate conversations, especially as we are thinking about having kids.
宗教和信仰是非常个人化的。
Religion and faith is so deeply personal.
在决定共度一生之前，明确彼此的立场至关重要。
And it's so important that you know where you guys stand before committing to a life together.
我永远都不会忘记。
I will never forget.
那是我第一个真正、真正深爱的人。
It was the first guy that I was like, truly, truly in love with.
当时他可能是第一个让我觉得，好吧，我确实能想象和这个人有未来的人。
And at the time, he was probably the first person I was like, okay, I actually think I could, like, see a future with this person.
记得我去他家乡拜访时，我们吃完晚餐开车回家。
And I remember I was visiting him in his hometown, and we were driving home from a dinner.
不知怎么话题就转到孩子身上，当时既兴奋又有趣，就像你们知道的那种感觉。
And somehow the topic of kids came up, and it was like exciting and fun and just like, you know how you do it.
就是那种带着浪漫幻想，开心地畅想未来的状态。
You just kind of like romanticize and you have fun and you think about it.
起初我们的想法相当一致。
And at first, everything was like pretty aligned.
我们俩对想要几个孩子达成了一致。
We both agreed on how many kids we would want.
我们开始讨论这集节目里提到的所有事情，比如，天哪，你想给他们取什么名字？
We started going through just kind of everything that I mentioned in this episode so far, like, oh my gosh, like, what would you want to name them?
还有，如果你在工作，我会做什么？
And like, if you were working, what would I be doing?
我们该如何处理这种情况？
And how would we handle that?
诸如此类的问题。
And blah blah blah.
我们当时真的很合拍。
Like, we were really aligned.
然后不知怎么的，话题转到了宗教信仰以及我们想如何养育孩子。
And then somehow religion came up in relation to how we would want to raise kids.
在说这件事之前，我想先声明清楚。
And again, before I say this, I just want to be clear.
我不会评判任何人的宗教信仰。
I do not judge anyone's religious beliefs.
他分享的内容严重违背了我的个人信念，以及我想灌输给子女的教育理念。
What he shared with me deeply went against my personal beliefs and what I want to instill in my children and raising my children.
就在那一刻，我们的立场变得截然相反。
And in that moment, like, we couldn't have been less aligned.
我能看出他并不认为这是什么大不了的事。
And I could tell he didn't really think it was a big deal.
但我心里明白，天啊，这件事我可能永远无法释怀。
But I knew it was just something I was like, oh my god, I don't think I'm I don't think I'm gonna be able to get over this.
我确实稍微施压追问过他：那你愿意改变吗？
And I definitely like pressed him a little bit and kept asking him like, well, would you be open?
结果他直接断然拒绝。
And it was just like flat out no.
就像我之前提到那个关于孩子问题的女士的情况一样。
Kinda like I said earlier with the woman with the kids thing.
他一直在说不。
And he was saying no.
那次旅行剩下的时间里，我心里一直堵得慌，因为虽然爱意存在，性也很和谐，生活方式也合拍。
And I had to I kinda had a pit in my stomach the rest of that trip with him because I was like, the love is there, the sex is there, the, like, lifestyle concepts.
但唯独这件事让我觉得，天啊，我无法接受。
And then this was the one thing that I was like, oh my god, I can't.
我觉得自己跨不过这个坎。
I don't think I could look past this.
是的，早期谈论宗教可能会很尴尬。
And so, yes, it can be awkward early days to talk about religion.
你们可能坐在一家火辣性感的餐厅里。
You're like at a fucking like hot sexy restaurant.
你的胸部傲然挺立。
Your tits are pushed up.
你看上去性感迷人。
You're looking hot.
这是约会之夜。
It's date night.
然后你说，我们来谈谈宗教吧。
And you're like, so let's talk religion.
就像，不行。
It's like, no.
我理解。
I get it.
这并不性感，但你不应该把它搁置一旁，等到婚后才去解决。
It's not sexy, but it is not something that you should put on the back burner and leave until after marriage to figure out.
这还涉及到政治层面。
And this kind of wraps into politics.
你说，我得在小区里转一圈。
You're like, I have to go take a lap around my neighborhood.
感觉我他妈在上历史课一样，亚历克斯。
I feel like I'm in a fucking history lesson class, Alex.
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相信我。
Trust me.
我在听。
I'm listen.
我知道这可能技术上不算有趣，但某种程度上还挺有意思的。
I know it may not be technically fun, but it's kind of fun.
拜托。
Come on.
这还挺有意思的。
It's kind of fun.
政治。
Politics.
我明白这些都是非常敏感的话题。
I get these are really sensitive topics.
而你确实需要在某个时刻进行这些对话。
And you do have to, like, you have to have these conversations at some point.
你不需要与伴侣在每一点信仰上都完全一致。
You don't have to have the exact point by point beliefs as your partner.
但我坚信，你们必须在某些基本立场上达成共识并相互尊重。
But you have to, I truly believe have some sort of alignment and respect for where the other person stands.
对吧？
Right?
比如，政治话题就留给你们讨论。
Like, I will leave politics to you guys.
不需要我来对这件事发表意见。
You don't need me to weigh in on that one.
但我想说的是，作为一个女性，我认为很重要的一点是要知道：他是否支持女性拥有与男性平等的权利？
But like, I guess I would just say I do think it's important as a woman to know, does he support women having equal rights to men?
他是否支持女性对自己身体的权利？
And does he support women having rights to their own body?
他是否认为女性应该拥有对自己身体的自主决定权？
Does he believe women should have autonomy over making decisions about their own bodies?
就这么一说。
Just throwing it out there.
作为女性应该了解这些。
Good to know as a woman.
你懂我意思吧？
You know what I mean?
可悲的是这些竟成了当今必须追问的问题，但这就是我们面临的现实。
It's so sad that these are the things that we need to be asking nowadays, but this is the reality that we're in.
所以你他妈懂我意思。
So you catch my fucking drift.
好吧。
Okay.
我们跑题了。
We're swerving.
我们来聊聊性吧。
Let's talk about sex.
伙计们，看吧，我就说这会变得有趣的。
Guys, see, I told you this is gonna get fun.
真相是这样的。
Here's the truth.
到了现在这个阶段，我们都心知肚明。
We all know this at this point.
吸引力会传递，而你的性欲显然会有波动。
Attraction conveyed and your sex drive will obviously fluctuate.
但你们对基本预期持什么立场？
But where do you guys stand on just baseline expectations?
你们是否都认同双方都应该达到性高潮？
Do you both agree that you should both be having orgasms?
不仅仅是他。
Not just him.
多么前卫的观念啊。
What a concept.
他们是否愿意付出努力，确保你真正从性爱中获得愉悦？
Are they willing to put in the work to make sure you're actually getting pleasure from sex?
你们在谈论性、性在关系中的角色及其作用时是否达成一致？
Are you aligned with how you talk about sex and the role of sex and what it plays in your relationship?
你是否觉得这是一个可以安全地向伴侣表达自己需求和渴望的开放对话？
Do you feel like it's an open conversation that you can safely share your wants and your needs with your partner?
归根结底，每段关系对性的重视程度各不相同。
The end of the day, every relationship puts a different emphasis on sex.
有些人渴望性，有些人需求较少，还有些人则会遇到这种情况。
Some people want it, some people don't want it as much, some people have this happen.
每个人情况都不同。
Everyone has a different thing.
这需要你和伴侣共同决定，但我强烈建议确保你们能就性需求进行开放沟通，并对此感到自在。
That is up for you and your partner to decide, but I really recommend making sure that you feel comfortable having open communication about what you want when it comes to this.
在承诺与某人共度一生前进行这些对话，因为你们的性生活很重要。
And have these conversations before you're committing your life to someone because your sex life matters.
没有什么比听到别人夸我说‘亚历克斯，你闻起来真香’更让我开心的了。
There is nothing that makes me happier than when I get a compliment from someone and they say, Alex, you smell delicious.
好吗？
Okay?
我是说，还有什么比被人夸好闻更棒的事吗？
I mean, is there anything better than someone telling you you smell good?
没有。
No.
你想知道我今天穿什么吗？
And you wanna know what I'm wearing?
你早就知道我的穿着了。
You already know what I'm wearing.
圣罗兰美妆。
Yves Saint Laurent beauty.
好的。
Okay.
我们开始吧。
Let's go.
如果你正在寻找一款新的标志性香水，圣罗兰经典的lib系列正是你梦寐以求的吸睛利器，让你散发自信魅力。
If you are looking for a new statement fragrance, Yves Saint Laurent's iconic lib collection is everything you've been looking for to turn heads and feel your most confident.
香草调香水正风靡一时，而圣罗兰的Lieb香草高定系列是其中的佼佼者。
The vanilla fragrances are all the rage, and Yves Saint Laurent's Lieb Vanille Couture is the best one out there.
听我说，宝贝们。
Listen to me, daddy gang.
这是Lieb首款限量版香水。
It's Lieb's first ever limited edition fragrance.
它甜而不腻，大胆融合了香草鱼子酱、朗姆利口酒、纯正薰衣草与橙花精华。
It's sweet yet bold with rich vanilla caviar, rum liqueur, absolute lavender, and orange blossom.
这是Lieb最令人陶醉的版本。
The most delectable version of Lieb.
当然，经典款的Lieb淡香精也从未让人失望。
Of course, the original Lieb eau de parfum never misses either.
其标志性香氛融入了薰衣草与橙花精华。
Its iconic fragrance is infused with lavender and orange blossom.
这是我日常最爱的绝妙温暖花香调，你们听我提过的。
It's the most amazing warm floral for every day, which you've heard me talk about.
但是，老爸帮的各位，这就是你们的信号。
But daddy gang, this is your sign.
明白了吗？
Okay?
Lieb香草高定
Lieb Vanilla Couture.
砰
Boom.
开始吧
Here we go.
你会想要闻起来棒极了，就是这样
You are gonna wanna be smelling amazing, and there you go.
立即在丝芙兰选购。
Shop now at Sephora.
好的。
Okay.
核心价值，打勾，打勾，再打勾。
So core values, check, check, check.
我们简直蒸蒸日上。
We're literally thriving.
好吗？
Okay?
我们可能失败了，我意识到一路上失去了一些战友。
We may have lost, I realized some soldiers along the way.
也许你暂停了视频，跑去和男友分手了，因为你意识到，唉，我谈了这么多次，他却毫无回应。
Maybe you maybe you paused this and you went and dumped your boyfriend because of you know, you realize, oh, I've had these conversations and he's given me nothing.
他什么都没给我。
He's given me nothing.
他露出了真面目。
He's shown his true colors.
我真心为你感到高兴。
I really love that for you.
我就喜欢有人暂停了《Caller Daddy》一集，然后直接和男友分手这种事。
I love when someone pauses an episode of caller daddy and just completely breaks up with their boyfriend.
这就是效率，宝贝。
That is that's being efficient, babe.
好吧。
Okay.
但我想再谈谈我父母，听他们讲述婚前就奠定的基础并持续巩固的经历，这对理解维系并发展一段健康四十年婚姻的实际要求非常有帮助。
But I wanna go back to my parents for a second, because hearing my parents talk about the foundation that they built before even getting married and then continued to build upon, it was just really helpful in understanding what it actually takes to maintain and grow a healthy forty year marriage.
我母亲还强调的一点是，你们可以在所有这些方面达成一致。
And something that my mom also emphasized is that you can be aligned on all of this.
所有这些方面，哦，宗教信仰，搞定，政治立场，搞定，性生活，搞定，家庭观念，搞定。
All of this, oh, check religion, boom, politics, boom, sex, boom, family.
好吧，家庭关系简直疯狂，但就这样吧。
Well, family's fucking crazy, but boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
左右检查确认。
Checking it left and right.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
砰。
Boom.
但生活就是这样，混蛋。
But then life happens, bitch.
懂吗？
Okay?
生活充满不可预测性，你永远不知道它会给你什么。
And life is beyond unpredictable, and you truly never know what it's gonna throw at you.
明白吗？
Okay?
压力、变化、失去、为人父母、经济压力、身份转变。
Stress, change, loss, parenthood, financial pressures, identity shifts.
生活将会考验我们。
Life is going to test us.
但不可否认，拥有一个你能信任且彼此尊重的伴侣共渡难关，远比独自面对要轻松得多。
But there is no denying that having a partner who you can trust and you respect and they respect you to go through the bad times with, it makes it a hell of a lot easier than going through it alone.
这引出了我的下一个观点。
Which brings me to my next point.
你的伴侣如何应对艰难时刻？
How does your partner handle hard moments?
当压力或创伤性事件发生时，显然我们每个人的反应都不同。
When stressful or traumatic situations happen, obviously, we all respond differently.
你不必与伴侣有相同的反应方式。
You don't have to have the same response as your partner.
但你确实需要关注他们应对这类情况的能力和方式。
But you do want to pay attention to how they're able to cope with and handle these type of situations.
对吧？
Right?
比如，你的伴侣能否保持在场并度过难关？
Like, is your partner able to stay present and get through a hard time?
还是他们会立即在情感上退缩、消失并封闭自己？
Or are they immediately emotionally withdrawing and disappearing and shutting down?
在困难时期，你是否仍能感到与伴侣在一起是安全可靠的？
In tough times, do you still feel safe and secure with your partner?
你是否觉得你们两人能够共同努力找到解决办法？
Do you feel like the two of you are gonna be able to work together to figure out a way through it?
你是否感到被支持？
Do you feel supported?
如果你此刻正回想你和伴侣经历过的艰难时刻，坐在那里想着：等等，Alex...
If you're sitting here reflecting on a tough moment that you and your partner have been through, and you're sitting there and you're kind of thinking like, okay, wait, Alex.
不，实际上我感到非常孤立无援或害怕，好像所有负担都压在我身上，而他们完全置身事外。
No, I actually felt really isolated or scared or like I was the one taking on all of the burden while they were completely checked out.
那么真的需要思考这种相处模式是否适合你们的长期关系。
Then really think about if this dynamic will work for you long term.
听着，当生活对你抛出可怕的事情时，我明白没有完美的应对手册。
Look, when life throws something horrible at you, I understand there is no rule book on how to handle it perfectly.
说实话，在这种处境下，人们需要极大的宽容。
And honestly, in those type of situations, people are gonna need a lot of grace.
很多时候我们都在初次面对这些事情。
A lot of times we're dealing with things for the first time.
但总的来说，你只需要信任你的伴侣——当面临任何形式的逆境时，这个人不会逃避。
But overall, you just need to have trust in your partner that when you are faced with any form of adversity, this person is not going to run away.
他们会与你并肩作战，共渡难关。
They're gonna stand next to you and weather the storm.
明白吗？
Okay?
想象一下，亲爱的伙伴们。
Picture this, daddy gang.
你接到一个电话。
You get a phone call.
你得知母亲突发健康危机，此刻正被紧急送往医院。
You find out your mom has had a health emergency and she's being rushed to the hospital right now.
但愿不会发生，让我们敲敲木头（祈求好运）。
God forbid, let's knock on wood.
明白吗？
Okay?
你正在工作，伴侣也在工作，狗狗在托儿所，当晚还有个朋友的生日晚宴。
You are working, your partner is working, your dog's at daycare, you got, you know, a friend's birthday dinner that night.
你生活中有无数事情在同时进行，而你理所当然地惊慌失措。
There's a million things going on in your life, and you're freaking out, rightfully so.
你打电话给伴侣说：我必须去医院。
You call your partner, you say you say, I have to go to the hospital.
我现在真的无法思考任何事情。
I I literally can't think about anything right now.
我必须去看我妈妈。
I have to go see my mom.
你能处理好一切吗？
Can you handle everything?
爸爸帮的各位，你们相信他们真能搞定吗？
Daddy gang, do you trust them to actually handle it?
你相信他们会打电话告诉朋友们你不能赴宴，会去接你的狗带它散步然后喂它晚餐吗？
Do you trust that they will call and tell your friends that you can't make dinner, that they're gonna go pick up your dog and take him on a walk and then give him dinner?
你相信你的伴侣当晚晚些时候会来医院看望你吗？
Do you trust that your partner will show up to the hospital later that night to check on you?
他们有没有问你需要什么？
Are they asking what do you need?
哦等等，我不想问她因为她压力太大了
Oh, wait, I don't wanna ask her because she's so stressed.
我就想着给她带些衣服和晚餐
I'm just gonna think to bring her clothes and get her dinner.
你是否有这样一个伴侣，你相信他能在情感上支持你，帮你度过这种时刻？
Like, do you have a partner who you trust will be there emotionally for you to help you get through these type of moments?
因为他们会来的。
Because they're gonna come.
还是你觉得你得给他们发一份待办事项清单，才能维持你们的生活运转？
Or do you think that you'll have to send them a checklist of everything that needs to be done to keep your guys life moving?
他们真的会出现吗？
Will they even show up?
你们看过那些TikTok视频吗？女孩们拍下男友做蠢事的画面，配上字幕说'不敢相信这是我的紧急联系人'。
Have you guys seen the TikTok videos those like girls have been posting where it's like, the boyfriend is doing dumb shit and they film the boyfriend and they caption it like, I can't believe this is my emergency contact.
当然，我们知道那是个玩笑，而且确实很有趣。
Obviously, know that's a joke and it's like really funny.
但如果你认真思考一下，现在严肃点。
But if you actually think about that for a second, now be serious.
如果你真的遇到医疗紧急情况，医生需要你的伴侣为你做出极其重要的决定，你相信你的伴侣能做出正确选择吗？
If you actually are having a medical emergency and the doctors need your partner to make insanely high stake decision for you, do you trust your partner can make the right call?
我理解。
And I get it.
我明白。
I get it.
如果你坐在这儿想：好吧，Alex，冷静点。
If you're sitting here being like, okay, Alex, relax.
你有点像是在夸张。
Like you're being a little like you're being dramatic.
这确实有点夸张。
This is a little dramatic.
我理解。
I get it.
这些事情听起来遥不可及。
These things sound so far off.
听起来像是天方夜谭。
It sounds like so far away.
这不会发生的。
This won't happen.
但类似的事情其实经常发生。
But stuff like this happens all the time.
你需要问自己这些棘手的问题。
And you need to be asking yourself these tough questions.
如果只是高中时期的男朋友，那无所谓。
If it's your boyfriend in high school, no.
我根本不在乎他是否能在你临终时决定如何处理你的后事。
I don't give a shit if he's gonna be capable of like deciding when you're on your deathbed what to do with you.
那不是我们现在的人生阶段。
That's not where we're at in life.
但当你现在选择的是人生伴侣，而不仅仅是'他好帅，会送我花，将来会是个性感老爸'这种标准。
But when you are now deciding for a life partner, not just like a, he's so hot and he brings me flowers, he's gonna be such a hot dad.
当你40岁、50岁、60岁、70岁、80岁时，你希望这个人陪你度过最艰难的时光吗？
Like when you're 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, do you want this person by your side through the hardest times?
我父亲最近经历了一场严重的健康危机。
My dad recently had a really big health scare.
他的康复需要在家卧床休息，而我妈妈则挺身而出承担了很多。
And his recovery required him to be at home on bed rest, and my mom significantly stepped up.
我记得妈妈告诉我，那是一个非常非常艰难、痛苦的夜晚。
And I remember my mom said to me, it was one of the really, really tough, difficult nights.
她一直睡在医院椅子上，后来把他接回家后，她整晚都没合眼。
She had been sleeping on a hospital chair, then they got him home, and she was up all night.
但她发现自己内心充满了感激。
And she found herself feeling so grateful.
她说，我记得当时坐在那里，虽然很不舒服，已经很久没好好睡觉了，但突然意识到，天啊，我如此感恩，因为她心里从未怀疑过——尽管精疲力尽又害怕，但他们共同面对这一切，她不愿和其他任何人一起经历这些。
And she had she was like, I just remember sitting there and I'm so uncomfortable and I haven't slept in my and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm so grateful because there wasn't a question in her mind that although she's exhausted and she's drained and she's scared, they were in this together and she wouldn't wanna be doing this with anyone else.
她知道，现在她为他付出的一切照顾，他将来也一定会同样为她做到。
And the amount that she had to do for him and care for him, she knew that he would do and will do the exact for her.
说实话，这些压力时刻或艰难时期，并不一定非得是生死攸关的大事。
And honestly, stressful moments or hard times, they don't have to be life or death.
明白吗？
Okay?
如果你心想，我从未生过病。
So if you're all like, well, I've never been sick.
我从未去过医院。
I've never gone to the hospital.
我无法感同身受。
I can't relate.
好吧，没关系。
Okay, fine.
那我们来举个更简单的例子。
Then let's give a dumber example.
好吗？
Okay?
有一次我和马特在度假，我记得从酒店到机场有段很长的车程。
Matt and I were on vacation one time, and I remember we had a really long drive from the hotel to the airport.
那是假期的最后一天，我们大概要花两小时才能到机场。
It was the end of the vacation, and it was gonna take about two hours to get there.
所以我们预留了三小时以防万一，想着这样还能在机场剩一个半小时左右。
So we budgeted for three just to be safe, and we figured we would still have, you know, like an hour and a half at the airport.
那是趟国际航班。
It was an international flight.
路线很简单，真的就是沿着一条直通机场的单行道。
It was a straight shot, literally down one singular road to the airport.
很简单。
Easy.
很简单。
Easy.
没问题。
No problem.
对吧？
Right?
你猜后来发生了什么？
What do you think happened?
结果那天并没有变成一场地狱般的旅行日。
It didn't end up being one of those travel days from hell.
结果我们花了五个多小时才到达机场。
It ended up taking us over five hours to get to the airport.
很快就变得非常明显，我们不仅会错过航班，而且第二天还有公司最重要的会议之一。
And it became extremely clear really quickly that we were gonna not only miss our flight, but we had one of the most important meetings for our company the next day.
所以我们在这条偏远荒凉的路上颠簸行驶，结果开始没油了。
And so we're on this remote road in the middle of nowhere, bump up, and we started to run out of gas.
自然。
Naturally.
自然。
Naturally.
开车的家伙说，哦，完了，我们完蛋了。
The guy driving is like, oh, yeah, we're fucked.
我说，完美。
I'm like, perfect.
完美。
Perfect.
太棒了。
Love this.
总之压力已经到达了顶点。
So overall stress couldn't have been higher.
在那一刻，我们本可以开始争吵，互相指责。
And in that moment, we could have started bickering, blaming each other.
我们本可以开始打架。
We could have started fighting.
但我们坐在那里，心想，好吧，这些我们都无法控制。
But we sat there and we were like, okay, we can't control any of this.
我们改变不了这个局面。
We can't change this.
我们能做些什么来让情况稍微好转一点？
What can we do to try to make this a little better?
我们试着一起找出解决方案。
And let's try to find a solution.
于是我打电话给航空公司询问我们能做什么。
So I called the airline to see what we could do.
马特联系了租车公司处理汽油问题。
Matt called the car company to figure out the gas situation.
我们就这样齐心协力应对这场烂摊子。
And we were just working together to get through this shit show.
说实话，尽管那天糟透了，我们压力都很大，但我感觉我们始终是同一战线的。
And honestly, even though it was a horrible day, we were both so stressed, but I felt like we were on the same team the whole time.
这就是我从认识马特第一天起就感受到的。
That's what I have felt with Matt since day one of meeting him.
我们是并肩作战的伙伴。
We are on the same team.
这并不意味着我们不会争吵，但就像——我也曾站在对立面过，老爸帮的各位。
Doesn't mean we don't fight, but it's like, I have had it also on the other end, daddy gang.
我其实记得一个类似的情况，不过是和另一个男人。
I remember a similar situation actually just with a different guy.
当时我和前男友开车去汉普顿。
I was driving out to the Hamptons with an ex boyfriend, boyfriend at the time.
所有事情，真的是一切可能出错的事情都在出错。
And everything, literally everything that could go wrong was going wrong.
疯狂堵车，道路封闭，在汉普顿这种地方居然还没手机信号。
Insane traffic, road closures, losing cell service in the fucking Hamptons.
就好像所有这些不可控因素都莫名其妙变成了我的错。
Like, somehow all of these uncontrollable factors though of like, oh my god, how's it all became my fault.
他在车里冲我大喊，说你本该提前考虑周全。
He's screaming at me in the car saying, you should have thought ahead.
你知道，为什么不打印出路线图？
You know, why didn't you print out the directions?
我很抱歉。
I'm sorry.
谁他妈还会用打印机啊？
Who owns a fucking printer?
比如，哦，MapQuest（地图查询网站）？
Like, oh, MapQuest?
看这破节目的观众甚至没人知道那是什么玩意儿。
No one even knows what that is watching this fucking show.
懂了吗？
Okay?
但我记得当时感觉被彻底否定，就像遭到攻击一样，既难过又孤独。
But I remember I felt so shut down and just like attacked and upset and alone in that moment.
因为当我回想起来，那并非孤立事件。
And it's because when I look back, that was not just a one off.
那是那段关系中的常态。
That was a theme in that relationship.
我知道我们在讨论该死的旅行，但重申一次，这些都是反复出现的模式。
And I know we're talking about fucking travel, but again, I'm saying these are themes.
马特和我处理问题的方式差异延伸到了我们的生活中。
The difference between the way Matt and I were handling that extends into our life.
我和前任处理问题的方式延伸到了我们的生活中。
The way that my ex and I were handling that extended into our life.
所以建议是当情况变得紧张时要多加留意。
So advice is pay attention when things are stressful.
当事情出错时，你的伴侣是否会发怒并一味责怪你和全世界？
Does your partner get angry and just blame you and the world when shit is going wrong?
还是他们确实有足够的能力深入挖掘，与你共同面对不适？
Or do they actually have the wherewithal to dig deep and face the discomfort with you?
如果有的话，更应该加倍努力成为好伴侣，为你挺身而出。
And if anything, double down on being a good partner, step up for you.
我认为这也可能与你们日常可能发生的分歧和争执有关。
I think this also can tie into the more day to day disagreements and arguments that you might get into.
比如在伴侣处理冲突的方式上，我认为你可以考虑的是：他们能否承担责任？
Like, when it comes to how your partner handles conflict, some things I think that you could consider are, can they take accountability?
他们能否承认错误并道歉？
Can they acknowledge mistakes and apologize?
就像我妈妈指出的那样，如果你们每次争吵都感觉超级激烈且令人精疲力竭，这种状态是不可持续的。
Like my mom was pointing out, like, if every fight you have feels super intense and exhausting, that is not sustainable.
你们应该能够有分歧，倾听彼此的意见，并达成共识，而不至于演变成持续多日的争论。
You should be able to have a disagreement, hear each other out, and arrive at common ground without this becoming a multi day argument.
这听起来可能不是什么大事，但如果你们在这方面不合拍，真的会开始破坏你们关系的其他部分。
It may not sound like a huge deal, but if you aren't compatible in this area, it can really start to fuck up other parts of your relationship.
因为当你感觉不被看见、不被理解、不被照顾时，你会开始对伴侣产生怨恨和不信任。
Because when you don't feel seen, understood, taken care of, you start to get resentful and distrustful of your partner.
小分歧经常被放大成更严重的问题。
Small disagreements are constantly blown into something much bigger.
让我给你举个例子。
Like, let me give you an example.
我曾有过一段关系，有时候那个男人会贬低我的职业。
I had a relationship where sometimes the guy would put down my career.
我当时不断告诉他这让我有多受伤。
And I would constantly tell him in the moment how much that hurt me.
而他非但不承担责任，不解释他的意图，甚至都不肯道歉，反而拒绝沟通，只会敷衍一句'好吧，你太敏感了'。
And instead of taking accountability and whether he was, you know, explaining his intentions or even just apologizing and whatever, He just refused to engage and would brush it off with a, okay, you're being sensitive.
我不是那个意思。
I didn't mean it like that.
然后同样的事又会再次发生。
And then it would happen again.
我们不断陷入这种冲突，却永远得不到解决，因为他根本不愿以诚实负责的态度面对问题。
And we were constantly having all of this conflict, but never ever getting any resolution because he wasn't willing to engage in any honest, accountable way.
于是我就想不通：为什么他就是不肯承担责任？
And so then I would be like, so then you so then you as the person that's like, wait, why won't they take accountability?
最后你只能选择把这事翻篇。
You end up just kinda sweeping it behind you.
但同样的事一再发生时，你就会想：这算什么？
But then when it keeps happening, you're like, what?
等等。
Wait.
你们作为一对情侣永远无法成长。
And you're never gonna grow as a couple.
我认为责任感是无可妥协的，亲爱的朋友们。
I think that accountability, it's a non negotiable daddy gang.
拥有一个能在伤害你感情或做错事时意识到问题、承担责任并道歉的伴侣，这一点至关重要。
It is absolutely essential to have a partner who knows when they have hurt your feelings or done something wrong, who then can own it and apologize.
我说这话时完全理解。
And I get it when I'm saying that.
我们坐在这里都会说：当然，当然，生活本该如此。
We're all sitting here and we're like, of course, of course, of course, that's life.
这不仅限于爱情关系。
It's not just romantic.
这同样适用于工作、朋友、伴侣和家庭关系。
It's, you know, work and friends and partners and family.
各位，其实问问自己吧，因为我有过亲身经历。
Guys, actually ask yourself because I've been in it.
我给你们举些例子，当你和某人谈恋爱时，那些事可能看起来真的很小。
I'm giving you my examples of like, when you are in a relationship with someone, it's it can feel really small.
并不是那种明显的拒绝道歉，比如'我才不会道歉呢，凯西'。
It's not that overt of like, I'm not gonna apologize, Casey.
不是那样的。
It's no.
就是那种轻微的推卸责任。
It's it's the slight little deflection.
就是那种轻微的煤气灯效应，比如'哦，好吧，很抱歉你有这种感觉'。
It's the slight little gaslighting of just like, oh, well, sorry you felt that way.
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
不。
No.
不是为你的感受道歉，而是我。
Not sorry you felt sorry I.
任何缺乏责任感的行为，我真的不认为你能和那样的人建立关系。
Any lack of accountability, I really don't think that you can have a relationship with someone like that.
而当他们说'对不起'时，应该是真心实意的，他们希望从中学习并成长，因为他们爱你，不想让你难过，并希望作为伴侣共同进步。
And when they say I'm sorry, it should be because they genuinely mean it and they want to learn and to grow from it because they love you and they don't want to upset you and they want to grow as a partnership.
他们不该为了讨好他人、避免冲突而说'对不起'，只想草草了事继续生活。
They shouldn't be saying I'm sorry because they're trying to people please and avoid any type of conflict and just get it over with and move on.
各位，每对情侣都难免会有争执。
Guys, every couple is going to argue at some point.
马特和我也会争吵，这就是生活。
Matt and I argue that is life.
但关键在于你们如何处理，如何争执，如何争论。
But what matters is how you do it, how you fight, how you argue.
你应该能够毫无畏惧地表达自己的感受。
You should be able to express how you feel without fear of retaliation.
这是我母亲在我们成长过程中，无论我们处于何种恋爱关系，都始终向我和兄弟姐妹灌输的理念。
And that is something that my mom growing up always instilled in my siblings and I with whatever romantic relationship we were engaging in.
她会在餐桌上谈论这些。
And she talked about it at dinner.
她告诉我们，伴侣应该倾听你的心声，努力让你感到被理解，反之亦然。
She talked to us about how your partner should listen to you and work to make you feel heard and vice versa.
你也应该同样为他们做到这些。
You should do this all for them as well.
他们绝不该用冷暴力或沉默来对待你。
They should never stonewall you by ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment.
如果这个人对你这样，赶紧离开。
Like, if you if this person's giving you get out.
赶紧滚蛋。
Get the fuck out.
因为这就是最基础的操控手段。
Because that's just manipulation one zero one.
我觉得我见过很多情侣发展到最后都选择不再提任何问题。
I feel like I've seen a lot of couples get to the point where they just stop bringing things up.
对吧？
Right?
就像我妈妈跟我说的那样。
Like my mom was talking to me about this.
她有个朋友已经到了觉得连提都不值得提的地步。
One of her friends has gotten to that point where it's just like, it's not even worth it.
他们知道根本得不到任何解决，所以连提都懒得提了。
It's not even worth it to bring it up because they know they're never gonna get any resolution.
你应该得到更好的对待。
And it's like, you deserve better.
你不必将就于此。
You don't have to settle for that.
如果你选择将就，那你本质上就是孤独的。
If you are settling for that, you are essentially alone.
那根本不是伴侣关系。
That's not a partnership.
你们只是勉强共存。
You're just coexisting.
你不该时刻感到情感上的疲惫。
You shouldn't emotionally feel exhausted at all times.
于是你开始逃避和忽视自己的感受。
And therefore, you just start avoiding and ignoring your feelings.
最近我在网上看到一段发人深省的话，我想反问你们：你们会觉得被冒犯吗？
Something I saw recently online that really got me thinking, and I want to pose the question back to you guys is, would you be insulted?
还是会把它当作一种赞美？
Or would you take it as a compliment?
如果有人说，你和你的伴侣太像了？
If someone said, you're so similar to your partner?
你让我想起了你的伴侣。
You remind me so much of your partner.
你会不会觉得，什么？
Would you be like, what?
搞什么鬼？
What the fuck?
收回那句话？
Take that back?
还是你会说，天啊，我真的很感激，因为你非常尊重你的伴侣，你会是哪一种反应？
Or would you be like, oh my god, I really appreciate that because you respect the fuck out of your part, which would it be?
问问自己这个问题。
That that, ask yourself that today.
这个答案可能直接终结十万段关系。
That could end almost that could cut off a 100,000 relationships right there.
人们可能会说，哦，该死。
People could be like, oh, fuck.
好吧，当你这么说的时候，让我离那个失败者远点。
Well, when you put it like that, get me the fuck away from that loser.
对吧？
Right?
显然，你们俩在关系中的相处方式很重要，但他们也需要是你尊重的独立个体。
Obviously, how the two of you exist in your relationship is so important, but they also need to be an individual that you respect.
至关重要的是，你们既能各自成长，又能作为伴侣共同成长，并在这个过程中相互支持。
It's so important that you can both individually grow, and then grow together as a couple, and be supportive of each other in that process.
这就是我妈妈的观点——不仅仅是在这次晚餐上，你知道，我一直向我妈妈询问关于我爸爸和她的事情，比如我父母经历了多少不同的人生阶段。
That's what my mom, not even just at this dinner, something that, you know, I always have asked my mom about with my dad and her is like, my parents have gone through so many different life phases.
我记得在我成长过程中，我爸爸主要是养家糊口的人。
I remember growing up and my dad was primarily the breadwinner.
而我妈妈虽然也在工作，但她基本上是兼职，因为她要照顾我们。
And my mom, although was working, but she was kind of part time working because she was taking care of us.
我还记得我爸爸失业的时候。
And I remember when my dad lost his job.
我还记得小时候，妈妈和他晚饭后总是进行很长时间的谈话。
And I remember when my mom and him I just remember as a kid them having like the longest conversations after dinner.
他们会说：'你们出去玩吧'之类的。
They'd be like, you guys like go play outside or whatever.
而他们就坐在那里。
And they would just sit there.
你能看出他们就像在打配合战，思考着'我们下一步该怎么走？'
And you could just tell they were like tag teaming this thing of like, what is our move?
这完全改变了你的身份、我的身份，还有孩子——我们必须解决这个问题。
What is this is completely shifting your identity, my identity, the kid we need to figure this out.
所以我记得那时我妈妈挺身而出，我爸爸调整方向，所有这些事情都发生了。
And so I remember that where my mom stepped up and my dad pivoted and the the all these things happened.
而现在我看着他们继续成长，天啊，我父亲刚刚退休了。
And then now I'm watching them grow and it's like, oh my god, my father just retired.
我妈妈仍然想继续工作。
My mom is still wanting to work.
这里面有各种复杂的动态关系在起作用。
Like, there's all these dynamics at play.
但我妈妈经常谈论的是，第一步确实是打好基础和树立价值观等等。
But what my mom has always talked about is the way, yes, step one was the foundation and the values and all that.
然后我们必须共同成长。
And then we had to grow together.
我认为很多时候人们会纠结，如果你在成长，有时我们会想：我们的伴侣是否也在和我们一起成长？
And I think a lot of times people struggle to if you're growing, sometimes we are like, is our partner growing with us?
这需要应对很多，因为涉及到三重动态关系。
And it's and it's a lot to navigate because it's three dynamics.
包括你、对方，以及你们共同的关系。
It's you, them, and then the us.
我妈妈说过，让你父亲和我始终在一起的原因就是我们在成长上步调一致，并互相督促变得更好。
And my mom just said, the thing that has kept your father and I together through all of it is like we are in lockstep with growing and pushing each other to be better.
这对我而言是莫大的鼓舞，因为我非常崇拜我的父母以及他们的关系。
And that is such an inspiration to me because I idolize my parents and their relationship.
我人生中曾有一度不愿结婚，原因很简单：我觉得自己永远找不到像他们那样的感情。
I literally the reason I didn't wanna get married at one point in my life because I was like, I'm never gonna find what they have.
所以关键点就在这里，仔细想想对吧？
And so it's like that point, think about that, right?
问问自己：你的伴侣是否在主动付出努力，寻找生活中需要改进和成长的领域？
Ask yourself, is your partner actively doing the work and looking for areas in their life to improve and evolve?
还是说他们只是在混日子？
Or are they just kinda coasting through life?
留意你的伴侣如何对待自己的身体、事业和爱好，明白吗？
Pay attention to how your partner treats their body, their career, and their hobbies, right?
你最起码应该期望伴侣能够照顾好自己。
The baseline expectation you should have is that your partner is taking care of themselves.
他们锻炼身体吗？
Do they exercise?
他们饮食健康吗？
Are they eating right?
当然，伙计们，我们有时候都会吃得像垃圾一样。
Like, of course, like, guys, we all eat like fucking shit at times.
但他们是否有某种日常习惯？
But like, are they doing some type of do they have some type of daily routine?
他们上班准时吗？
Do they show up on time to work?
还是他们经常外出狂欢，让身体处于失控状态？
Or are they constantly going out, getting fucked up, and kind of letting their body run on autopilot?
我说这些完全不是为了虚荣，也不是要你去找个健身狂人或者成为最健康的人。
I'm not saying these things at all for vanity or because you need to like, go find a gym bro or like, go be the healthiest people ever.
不是的。
I'm not.
我只是想说，一个人如何照顾自己，很大程度上反映了他们如何对待他人。
I'm just saying the way that someone cares for themselves says a lot about how they care for other people.
在事业方面，他们有抱负吗？
When it comes to their career, do they have ambition?
他们有良好的职业道德吗？
Do they have a good work ethic?
他们与老板和同事的关系如何？
What is their relationship like with their boss and their coworkers?
很多时候，如果你的伴侣在自己的生活中感到成功和安全，他们也会将这种安全感带入到你们的关系中。
A lot of times, if your partner feels successful and secure in their own life, then they will bring over that sense of safety to the relationship that they're in as well.
但如果他们感到不稳定且缺乏目标，那他们就会把这种状态带入关系。
But if they feel unstable and without purpose, then that's what they're bringing into the relationship.
我想再次明确一点。
Again, I wanna be so clear.
这并不意味着你必须一直有工作。
This doesn't mean that you have to always be in a job.
人们会被裁员。
People get laid off.
你会不会过得很艰难。
Are you're gonna struggle.
这些都是需要考虑的。
They're all of this.
我只是想说，你身边的人是否有热情？
What I'm just saying is, are you with someone who do they have a passion?
或者换个角度问？
Or how about this?
他们在日常生活中表现如何？
How are they just showing up in their daily life?
他们对待生活的态度是怎样的？
How do they approach life?
这个人是个能正常生活的人吗？
Is this person a functioning human being?
别人尊重他们吗？
Do people respect them?
人们喜欢和他们相处吗？
Do people like being around them?
人们会向他们寻求建议吗？
Do people go to them for advice?
人们尊重他们的意见吗？
Do people respect their opinion?
人们喜欢邀请他们参加派对、聚会或活动吗？
Do people like them to be at the party, the function, the event?
人们见到这个人时会感到兴奋吗？
Are people excited when they see this person?
你不需要一个完美的伴侣，但你需要一个愿意成长的人。
You don't need a perfect partner, but you do need someone willing to evolve.
因为如果你在关系中承担了所有专业、情感、财务和心理上的成长，关系很快就会变得非常不平衡。
Because if you're doing all the growing in the relationship professionally, emotionally, financially, mentally, it's going to become really unbalanced really fast.
从长远来看，这种关系是行不通的。
And that just won't work in the long run.
就像我的治疗师说的，当我们接近尾声时，每次她这么说我就想：好吧，贱人。
So as we wind down, like my therapist says, whenever she says that I'm like, okay, bitch.
我就想：哦，我算是明白了。
I'm like, oh, I see how it is.
我们刚进入状态，15分钟就到了，她突然说：总之你正经历创伤，我们下周再讨论这个。
We were just hitting our stride and now the 15 mark hits and she's like, anyway, you're like mid trauma and she's like, we will discuss this next week.
你整个人都懵了：啥？
You're like, what?
不行。
No.
听着，我知道这很难承受。
Listen, I get that this is a lot.
我也要再次声明，我的感情关系并非完美无瑕。
I also need to again preface this of like, I don't have a picture perfect relationship.
我的感情关系中也有需要改进的地方。
I have things that I need to work on in my relationship.
这周我深受父母启发，也深受其他与我交谈的夫妇的鼓舞。
I just felt like this week after I was so inspired by my parents, I was so inspired by the other couples that I spoke to.
我意识到，无论你是否在成长过程中缺乏榜样，或者身边没有可以倾诉的人，又或者你正试图摆脱多段关系中的固有模式。
And I recognize that whether there's people in the world that you didn't have the example in front of you growing up, whether you don't have maybe people around you that you can use kind of as a sounding board, maybe you've had a lot of relationships that you're trying to break out of patterns.
我们每个人都来自不同的背景和视角。
Like, we're all coming from a different perspective and place.
但如果你此刻正坐着聆听，心想‘天啊，我喜欢这个，但老实说这可能要求太高了’。
But if you're sitting right now, right, listening, and you're like, damn, okay, I like I like this, but it honestly I feel like maybe this is just too much to ask for.
这...我...我不能指望这个，亚历克斯。
There's this is I I can't expect this, Alex.
听起来都很美好，但现实中怎么可能有人能在所有价值观上都与我契合，还能满足我等等等等。
Like, this all sounds great, but like, there's not actually someone out there that's gonna align with me on all these values and be able to meet me, blah blah blah.
我向你保证，这绝非奢求。
I promise you, it is not expecting too much.
你并没有要求太多。
You are not asking for too much.
你只是找错了人。
You are just with the wrong person.
明确一点，我不是在劝你们现在就冲出去甩掉尾丝或分手，和男朋友或伴侣分手。
To be clear, I'm not telling any of you to just like run out right now and dump your boyfriend or your partner.
我想告诉你们的是，要好好思考你愿意在哪些方面妥协。
I think what I'm trying to tell you is just think about what you're willing to compromise on.
不是短期妥协，而是从长远来看。
Not in the short term, in the long run.
同时也要想想你已经妥协了哪些方面，以及哪些方面是绝对不能让步的。
And think about what you already have been compromising on and what you absolutely need to be aligned on.
因为要维持一段健康稳定、长期发展的关系，虽然热恋期的激情和蜜月阶段很有趣，
Because in order to have a healthy, stable, long term relationship, it's so fun when there's passion, and it's the early stages, and it's the honeymoon.
但当新鲜感消退，你们不得不面对现实生活的琐碎时，那时与伴侣三观一致就他妈显得尤为重要了。
But when that wears off, and you're stuck with the real life shit, that's when being on the same page with your partner is really gonna fucking matter.
当你们在重大问题上达成共识时，就能为感情打下坚实的基础。
When you're aligned on the big things, you build a solid foundation in your relationship.
那些小事情，会让你们共同应对时显得轻松许多。
The little stuff, it just makes it seem so much easier to navigate together.
是的，人是可以成长和改变的，但总有限度。
So yes, people can grow and change, but there's a limit.
你无法强迫一个人彻底改变他们的本质。
And you can't force someone to completely alter who they are.
说实话，我为此挣扎了很长时间。
And I will be honest, I really struggled with that for a really long time.
就像我现在告诉你们，我经历过太多段感情——有些很糟糕，有些其实相当健康——每次我都以为这次就是命中注定了。
Like, I'm coming to you guys being like, I have been in so many relationships that whether some fucked up, some actually quite healthy, that I was like, this is gonna be it.
但我现在真心相信，只要努力经营，你终会遇到对的人。
But then it's like, I genuinely believe that doing the work, you will find your partner.
你不可能按照自己的需求重新改造男朋友。
You can't redesign your boyfriend to fit your exact needs.
对吧？
Right?
但你必须明白，他们就是他们本来的样子。
But there comes a point where you do need to accept that they are who they are.
这并不容易。
And that's not easy.
但我也希望你们离开时能明白——我真希望年轻时有人告诉我——你永远不是在要求太多。
But I also want you guys to leave knowing, and I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger of like, you are never asking for too much.
你要求的都是正当的事。
You are asking for the right things.
现在你只需要弄清楚，你是否与那个能给予你所需并在那里与你相遇的人在一起。
And now you just have to figure out if you're with the right person that can give it to you and meet you there.
我知道这个话题可能让人感觉有点沉重。
So I know this topic can feel a little heavy.
但我真心希望这期节目能提醒你，在感受这种压力时你并不孤单。
But I really hope this episode reminded you like, you're not alone in feeling the pressure.
这将是你人生中要做出的最重要的决定之一。
This is one of the biggest life decisions you're ever gonna make.
对吧？
Right?
这他妈真是沉重的话题。
This is fucking heavy shit.
无论你是带着目的约会，还是在质疑当前的感情关系，又或是在反思自己的婚姻。
Whether you're dating with intention, you know, questioning your current relationship, or you're maybe you're reflecting on your marriage.
重点是，这一切都是真实的。
The point is, this is real.
这很深刻，而且很重要。
It's deep, and it matters.
所以慢慢来，优先考虑这件事，优先考虑你自己，并直面那些棘手的问题。
So take your time, prioritize this, prioritize yourself, and ask the hard questions.
最重要的是，女士们，相信你们该死的直觉。
And most importantly, ladies, trust your fucking gut.
因为就像我之前说的，当我回顾过去的感情时，我总觉得大多数时候，我甚至不需要问对方这些问题就能知道答案。
Because like I said earlier, I have a feeling when I look back at my previous relationships, most of the time, I didn't even need to ask the person a lot of these questions to know the answers.
人们会向你展示他们的真实面目。
People show you who they are.
你可以根据线索自行推断。
You can fill in the blanks and the context clues.
别让自己继续自欺欺人。
And don't let yourself keep convincing.
他们会改变的。
They're gonna change.
这会改变的。
It's going to change.
这会改变的。
It's going to change.
我知道我经常这么说，但她就是我的北极星。
I know I say this all the time, but, you know, she is my North Star.
从我妈妈第一天起就常说，关系中任何让你困扰的事情，只会随着结婚、生子、生活继续而变得更糟。
My mom, since day one has always said, anything that bothers you in your relationship is only going to get worse when you get married, and when you have kids, and when life just keeps happening.
所以如果现在它困扰着你，并且是你们关系中的一大痛点，那么所有这些人生里程碑都无法解决它。
So if it's bothering you now, and it's a big pain point in your relationship, none of that all the the milestones are gonna fix it.
婚姻、婚礼、孩子、假期、房子。
The marriage, the wedding, the kids, the holidays, the house.
这些狗屁都解决不了问题。
None of that's gonna fix shit.
因为归根结底，每晚枕边相伴的只有你们两个人。
Because it's just you and them with your heads on those pillows at night.
当孩子们离开去上大学，或者发生变故有人生病时，你喜欢坐在你身边的那个人吗？
And when the kids leave and they go to college or something happens and someone's sick, do you like who you're sitting next to?
除了你自己，没有人能替你回答这个问题。
And no one can answer that for you except for yourself.
希望这番话对你们有所帮助。
So I hope this was helpful.
希望你们能从中有所收获。
I hope that you guys can take something from it.
请永远记住，我并非在评判你们。
And always know that I'm not judging.
我只是希望，无论是我通过心理治疗、家人、朋友还是各种资源所学到的生活经验，都能分享给你们，但愿这些能在某种程度上对你们的生活有所帮助。
And I'm always just hoping that anything that I'm learning in my life, whether it's through therapy or through family or through friends or through resources that I can give it to you guys and hopefully it can help in your life in some capacity.
所以老爸帮的伙计们，你们都懂的。
So daddy gang, you know the drill.
下周三再见，你们这群坏蛋。
I will see you fuckers next Wednesday.
再见。
Goodbye.
本期节目由圣罗兰经典的Liebe淡香精赞助播出。
Today's episode was sponsored by Yves Saint Laurent's iconic Liebe Eau de Parfum.
这款大胆却又不失温暖的花香调女性香水，专为那些我行我素、敢于活出真我的人士打造。
This daring yet distinctly warm floral and feminine fragrance is for those who do what they want and dare to be exactly who they are.
立即前往丝芙兰选购。
Shop now at Sephora.
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