你的朋友不是心理治疗师

大家好，爸爸帮的成员们。

Hello, daddy gang.

欢迎回到周日的直播，伙计们。

Welcome back to another Sunday session, guys.

我简直开心得不得了。

I couldn't be happier.

我现在的心情简直是全世界最好的。

I am actually in the best mood in the world.

为什么呢，亚历克斯？

Why, Alex?

你为什么会有这么棒的心情？

Why would you be in such a gorgeous mood?

哦，因为这是周日直播，我们都在这里放松聊天？

Oh, because it's a Sunday session and we're all just hanging out?

没错。

Yes.

是的，但也不完全是。

Yes, but also no.

洛杉矶已经连续下了大约七天的雨，天气终于变冷了，凉飕飕的，这是我在世界上最梦寐以求的绝美天气。

It has been raining for about seven straight days in Los Angeles and it is finally cold and it's chilly and it is the most gorgeous weather I could have ever asked for in the world.

洛杉矶所有来自西海岸或本地的人都表现得好像突然不会开车了一样。

Everyone in LA that's like from the West Coast or in LA is like, people are acting like they don't know how to drive.

我来自东海岸。

I'm from the East Coast.

好吧。

Okay.

我妈妈以前会把我和兄弟姐妹们塞进小货车，我们得在冰面上滑行去参加足球比赛，而洛丽会直接轧过积雪前行，明白吗？

My mother used to put my siblings and I in the minivan and we would be like sliding on ice, okay, to get to the soccer game and Lori would just plow through the snow, okay?

那对我们来说就是平常的一天。

And it was like a normal day.

在我长大的宾夕法尼亚州，下雨天就跟晴天一样平常，而现在路上的人表现得好像稍微下点雨就会让车子打滑冲出路面似的。

Rain, rain was just like a sunny day in Pennsylvania growing up and people on the roads right now are acting like they could swerve off the road from like a little bit of rain.

所以作为东海岸人的我简直高兴坏了，终于有了点冬天的感觉，让人倍感舒适。

So the East Coaster in me like could not be happier and cozier that it is finally actually kind of feeling like wintertime.

好吧。

Okay.

我确实喜欢住在洛杉矶，但我骨子里是个四季分明的人。

I do love living in Los Angeles, but I am a season's whore through and through.

这种感觉，你知道的，虽然只是最低限度的冬天氛围，但我也满足了。

And this is feeling, you know, it's it's bare minimum, it's giving bare minimum, but I'll take it.

就让雨一直下吧。

It's like, let the rain fall down.

我突然不再早上喝冰咖啡了。

I'm all of a sudden not drinking my iced coffees in the morning.

虽然外面才21度左右，但我就想：天啊，我得泡杯热巧克力。

It's like 70 degrees outside, but I'm like, oh my god, I have to make a hot chocolate.

总之，因为下雨，我最近开始做一些不能说不常做、但过去一个月确实更频繁的事。

Anyways, because of the rain, I have been doing something lately that I wouldn't say I don't do often, but I've definitely amped it up in the past month.

过去七天里，我感觉工作间隙全在做这件事，这个稍后再说。

And then this past seven days, I feel like it's all I've been doing in between work, which I will get to.

因为我自己都不敢相信会这么说，但最近我发现自己真的很怀念学习。

Because I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but lately, I have found myself just really missing learning.

要知道，在初中、高中和大学时代，你付钱给我都不会说这种话。

You know, you couldn't pay me to say those words when I was in high school, middle school, high school, college.

我当时算是个好学生，但并非心甘情愿。

I was like a good student, but I didn't wanna be.

就是，我并不快乐。

Like, I wasn't happy.

你懂我意思吗？

You know what I mean?

我并不享受学习过程。

I wasn't enjoying studying.

做这些事都让我提不起兴致。

I wasn't enjoying doing all these things.

说实话，我其实相当讨厌那些日子。

Like, I actually really quite hated it.

我知道这听起来可能很奇怪，但这是实话。

So I know that may sound weird, but it's the honest truth.

我觉得在我们生命的大部分时间里，虽然上学时可能并不享受学习。

I feel like for so much of our lives, yes, although we may not enjoy it when we're in school.

甚至在职业生涯初期，我们也在不断学习，无论是否愿意。

And then even in the start of our careers, we're learning all the time, whether we want to or not.

我们不断接触新思想，被迫成长和进化。

And we're constantly being exposed to new ideas and we're being forced to grow and evolve.

随着年龄增长，你会逐渐适应生活和事业，那种外在的学习动力真的开始消退。

And then as you get older, you kind of settle into your life and your career and that external push to keep learning really starts to go away.

这时就完全取决于你自己是否保持好奇心，是否愿意继续学习和拓展对世界的认知。

And then it becomes solely on you to stay curious and interested in wanting to learn and expand your knowledge of the world.

我们很多人都会说：去他妈的，老子这辈子再也不碰课本了。

And a lot of us are like, sayonara motherfuckers, I'm never opening a textbook again.

这非常合理，非常合理，因为我觉得我们很多人都被学校和SAT考试或期中考试创伤了，你会想，我再也不想经历这些了。

Which is so fair, which is so fair because I feel like a lot of us are traumatized from school and like the SATs or midterms and you're like, I don't wanna do this again.

我想看《吉尔莫女孩》和《绯闻女孩》，这就是我的教育。

I wanna watch Gilmore Girls and Gossip Girl and that is my education.

这非常合理。

That is so fair.

但我要说的是，我注意到这一点，而且我相信对于刚大学毕业的人来说情况并非如此。

But I will say that I have noticed and I'm sure it's not this way for people directly out of college.

但随着我步入三十岁，现在三十出头，我确实注意到当纯粹为了学习而花时间时，无论是花一天阅读文章、看纪录片还是读一本平时不会拿起的书，我的感觉会好很多。

But as I'm entering my 30s and I'm in my early 30s now, I will say I've noticed just how much better I feel when I am taking time to learn just for the sake of it, whether it's spending a day reading articles or watching a documentary or reading a book that I wouldn't normally pick up.

保持好奇心，思考那些不在我直接世界观范围内的话题是多么美好的事，多棒的概念啊。

It just feels good to be curious and to think on topics that aren't in my immediate worldview, what a concept.

所以为什么我要在这个随意的周日《Caller Daddy》节目中提起这个，是因为我意识到我并不孤单。

And so why I'm bringing this up on caller daddy on a random Sunday session is because I realized I'm not alone in this.

我在网上看到太多视频，人们都在说：我渴望生活中重新获得某种实质内容和智慧。

I have seen so many videos on the internet of people being like, I'm craving some form of substance and intelligence back in my life.

我感觉现在的生活被互联网吞噬了太多。

And I feel like so much of our life right now is consumed by the internet.

显然有时候确实如此，没有什么比坐下来放松，看别人做新菜谱（你会收藏但永远不会尝试），或者看他们试妆试衣更惬意的事了。

And obviously at times it is, there is nothing better than to sit and relax and watch people make new food recipes that you're going save and you're never make or try on makeup and you're watching them try on the makeup and the clothes and all the things, Lovely.

但我确实感觉我们很多人都开始碰壁了，意识到‘好吧，我的大脑真的在退化，我需要刺激自己真正学点东西，才能持续成长，保持有趣的思考和对话能力——多么新奇的概念’。

But I do feel like a lot of us are starting to kind of hit a wall where we feel like, okay, my brain is literally rotting and I need to stimulate myself in order to actually learn something and so that I can continue to evolve and have interesting thoughts and conversations with myself and also other people like what a concept.

所以今天，我想开始在每周日会话中专门留出时间，和大家一起做这件事。

And so today, I kind of want to start carving out time on these Sunday sessions to just do that together.

这不会是我单方面向你们说教。

This isn't going to be me like preaching at you guys.

我自己他妈也在努力学习。

I'm trying to also fucking learn myself.

我想把这做成我们的小型读书会。

And I kind of want to make this like a little book club for us.

我们会制作轻量级播客，我会整理文章、随笔、评论，并在需要专家意见时邀请治疗师参与讨论。

It's going to be bite sized podcasts where I'm going to compile articles, essays, think pieces and talk to therapists when we could obviously use an expert opinion on a topic.

但当我发现一些我认为自己感兴趣、你们也会感兴趣，甚至理解起来颇具挑战性的内容时，我会把它带到这里，我们一起深入探讨。

But when I find something interesting or ideally even challenging to understand that I think I am interested in and you guys would be interested in, I am going to bring it here and we will get into it together.

好吧，这不会变成一个教育类播客。

Okay, this is not turning into an educational podcast.

除非你们想听，否则我们不会讨论微生物组这类话题。

Okay, we're not going to be talking about the microbiome unless you want me to do that.

我们可以回到血浆话题上。

We can go back to the plasma.

我理科一直不好。

I was never good in science.

不，但我觉得这很重要。

No, but I think it's important.

前几天晚上我和丈夫及一些朋友聚餐时，有人提出了这个问题。

I went to a dinner the other night with my husband and some of our friends and someone brought up this question.

我当时就说，哦，我最近在读的一本书里有个章节专门讨论这个，大家都催我：亚历克斯，快多讲讲。

And I was like, oh, I was recently reading a book that talked about this one of the chapters and everyone was like, tell us more, Alex.

我不记得上次有人和我共进晚餐时这样做过，除非他们问‘采访金·卡戴珊是什么感觉’或‘采访某某是什么感觉’——虽然这些也很有趣。

And I don't know the last time anyone has done that at a dinner table with me other than they were like, tell us what it was like to interview Kim Kardashian or tell us what it was like to interview, which is still so fun.

但这次的情况让我觉得，天啊，我居然在传递信息，分享的东西让大家惊呼‘等等，这太有意思了’。

But this was something where I was like, oh my God, I'm actually bringing information and I'm sharing things with people that people are like, wait, that's fascinating.

那本书叫什么名字？

What is the book called?

我也想读一读。

And I want to read it.

你知道吗？

So you know what?

即使只是从书中学到并记住知识，能感觉自己变聪明了也挺有意思的。

It is kind of fun to feel like you're smart, even if you're just learning it from a book and you're retaining it.

多棒的概念啊。

What a concept.

我们以后要多尝试这样做。

Let's try to do that a little bit more often.

如果你不想读那本书，也没关系。

And if you don't want to read the book, great.

我会替你们啃完这些该死的书，然后把精华提炼给你们。

I will distill it down to you from me reading the fucking books for you guys.

好了，我们开始吧。

Okay, so let's get into it.

这周我们先从一个我认为相对简单的话题开始。

This week, we're starting with a somewhat, I think pretty easy ish topic.

但我发现了一篇关于我们对友谊期望的文章。

But I found an article about the expectations we place on friendships.

这让我开始认真审视自己生活中的各种关系。

And it really had me evaluating the relationships that I have in my own life.

这篇文章刊登在《纽约时报》上。

And it is from the New York Times.

标题是丽莎·米勒撰写的《中等朋友的烦恼问题》。

And it is called The Vexing Problem of the Medium Friend by Lisa Miller.

那么直接了当地说，我们先来了解一下，什么是中等朋友？

And so just off the bat, let's start with like, what is a medium friend?

这是什么意思？

What does that mean?

因为在我读到这篇文章之前，我个人从未听说过这个词。

Because I've personally never heard that term before I read this article.

根据这篇文章的说法，中等朋友是指那些你并不十分亲密，但又不仅仅是泛泛之交的人。

And so according to this article, the medium friend is someone who you're not that close with, but they're more than just like a casual acquaintance.

也许你们一年会聚几次，或者每周在共同的活动上见面，比如打匹克球、做陶艺，或者普拉提——如果你喜欢这类活动的话。

Maybe you hang out with them a few times a year, maybe you see them weekly at a shared activity like pickleball or pottery or you know, Pilates, if that's your thing.

他们是那种我们乐于相见、能共享愉快时光，但并未进入你最亲密朋友圈的人。

And they are people that we enjoy seeing and can share fun experiences with, but they're not actually in your closest circle of friends.

在这个我们总是纠结于贴标签和量化谁才是最好朋友的时代——天啊，谁会参加我的单身派对，谁能当伴娘，谁会被邀请参加生日晚宴等等。

I think in a time where we are so caught up in the weeds of labeling and quantifying who our best friends are like, oh my God, who is coming on my bachelorette and who's going to be my bridesmaids and who's going to be invited to my birthday dinner and all these things.

奇怪的是，我认为中等朋友其实有一种独特的美好之处。

I weirdly think there's actually something beautiful about the medium friend.

接下来我要深入探讨这种关系的本质，关键在于，这个人不必成为你生活中的全部，但他们依然能在你生命中发挥真实的作用。

And I'm going to get into truly what that is because the point is, is this person doesn't have to be everything to you, but they can still serve a genuine purpose in your life.

我的一位中等朋友是大学时认识的女孩，她现在住在洛杉矶，但我们见面并不频繁。

One of my medium friends is a girl who I met in college and she lives in LA now, but we don't really see each other very often.

我们就叫她杰西卡吧。

Let's call her Jessica.

杰西卡和我总是说'天啊我们得约这个'，然后又会变成'等等，下周你真能来吗？'

Okay, Jessica and I have both been saying like, oh my God, we need to do this and then we'll be like, oh my God, wait, can you actually do it next week?

等到了下周，又会变成'等下，下周你真能来吗？'

And then once it's next week, then it's like, wait, could you actually do it next week?

我们已经整整四个月都在试图找到一个双方都方便的晚餐时间。

And we have literally together for four months now trying to find a time that would work for both of us for dinner.

所以当真正约成的那天到来时，说实话我内心有点忐忑，一直在想'这次见面会是什么氛围？'

And so by the time that the day actually rolled around that worked for both of us, I am not gonna lie, I was a little apprehensive and in my head about just like, what would the vibe be?

我们确实有段时间没见了。

We hadn't seen each other in a minute.

而且我工作太累了，取消约会对我来说更容易。

I also was so tired from work, so it was easier for me to just cancel.

我当时想，也许这样更简单，因为我们真的有那么话题可聊吗？

Was like, maybe it will just be simpler because like, will we even have that much to talk about?

还有，我们的对话会如何进行呢？

And like, how will the conversation go?

诸如此类的担忧。

And all these things.

我完全不知道等待我的是什么。但结果呢，朋友们，那成为了我很久很久以来最难忘的夜晚之一。

I just had no idea what I was getting And then you guys, it turned out to be one of my favorite nights that I've had in a really, really long time.

我认为原因之一是那里有怀旧的氛围。

And I think it's because one, there was nostalgia there.

所以我能聊到一段生活中不常提及的往事。

So I was able to talk about a time in my life that I don't get to talk about that often anymore.

在洛杉矶，我并没有那么多可以经常共进晚餐的大学同学。

Like I don't have that many people that live in Los Angeles that I went to college with that I'm like actively just like going to dinners with.

但除此之外，她和我从事的工作和职业简直是天壤之别。

But then on top of that, she and I have actually like couldn't have more polar opposite of jobs and professions.

所以听她讲述工作中的事情、她的近况，以及谈论那些与我毫无利害关系的话题，真的非常有趣。

So it was so fascinating to talk to her about what was going on at work for her and what was she was up to and hearing her talk about something that I had no vested interest in.

但我也很着迷，因为这感觉像是暂时让我从自己的生活中抽离了一会儿。

But I also was fascinated because it was like taking me out of my life for a minute.

还有很奇怪的是，听她聊到诸如‘你家假期准备怎么过？你们有什么计划？’这类话题。

Also weirdly like hearing about like what is your family doing for the holidays and what are you guys gonna be doing?

这感觉很好，因为我其实也不太了解她的家人。

It was nice because I also don't really know her family at all.

所以没错，她甚至跟我分享了一些家庭矛盾，但这些并不会直接影响我的生活。

So yes, she was even giving me some of the family drama, but it wasn't directly gonna affect my life.

而且奇怪的是，我几乎不需要给出建议。

And I almost weirdly like didn't need to give advice.

我只是有点像在说，天啊，等等，我也可以跟你讲讲我家的那些事。

I was just kind of like, oh my God, wait, well, I can tell you my family drama.

这种感觉真的很美好。

So it was kind of really lovely.

为了更深入探讨这个话题，我想给你读一段《纽约时报》相关文章的内容。

To get more into it, I want to read you a portion of the New York Times article on this topic.

中等亲密程度的朋友是真正的朋友。

Medium friends are genuine friends.

你们共享某些历史，比如毕业于同一所学校、曾为同一雇主工作或有共同兴趣。

You share history such as the same alma mater, such as an employer or interest.

中等朋友能逗你笑，带来新鲜资讯，提供见解或专业知识。

Medium friends make you laugh, bring news, offer insights or expertise.

但与最亲密的朋友不同，中等朋友会考验你时间、爱和精力的分配极限。

But unlike the closest friends, medium friends test the limits of your time, love, and energy.

一周内能共进的晚餐有限，能保持不间断短信往来的人也只有那么多。

There are only so many dinners in a week, so many people with whom you can be incessantly texting.

中等朋友关系证明了'试图满足所有人需求'这种天真想法的不切实际。

Medium prove the lie in any naive attempt to be all things to all people.

中等友谊中蕴含的紧张感正是这种界限的模糊。

The tension embedded in medium friendship is this absence of clarity.

任何曾为推迟约会而谎报出差时长的人，或听过太多次'我会打给你'的人，都能识别中等友谊中那种焦虑的沉默。

The anxious silence around medium friendship are recognizable to anyone who has ever fibbed about the duration of a business trip to postpone a date in the calendar and to anyone who has heard I'll call you too many times.

在危机或庆祝时刻，这种模糊性和不平衡性就会显现，风险也随之增加。

The stakes increase in crisis or celebrations when the lack of clarity and any lopsidedness reveals itself.

个人紧急情况时，核心圈的人知道要立即行动，而泛泛之交则安心地保持距离观望。

In a personal emergency, the inner circle knows to rush in while the acquaintances feel safe to commiserate from the sidelines.

中等关系的人会摇摆不定地徘徊，不确定自己是否有义务在何时以何种方式行动。

But the medium people orbit in a wobbly way, unsure of their obligations around how, when or even whether to act.

所以我认为，这就是为什么很多人包括我自己在内，在面对生活中的中等朋友时感到挣扎。

So this, in my opinion, is why I think so many people and myself included struggle when it comes to a medium friend in our lives.

比如我们不知道该为他们付出多少。

Like we don't know how much to be there for them.

也许当我们付出不够时，我们会感到内疚。

Maybe we feel guilty when we're not there enough.

当界限不明确时，我们不确定处理事情的正确与错误方式可能是什么。

We're not sure what the right and the wrong way to handle things may be when the boundaries are unclear.

但与此同时，正是这种不确定性让这类友谊能带来如此多的快乐，对吧？

But at the same time, this is the very thing that allows for so much joy to come from these type of friendships, right?

就像我刚刚提到的朋友例子，正是因为缺乏期待，你才能在这种关系中完全真实地展现自己。

Like the lack of expectations, like I just referenced with my friend is the reason that you're able to be completely genuine in the way that you show up in this dynamic.

这不是虚假的，也许确实有点流于表面，但或许我们生活中也需要一点这样的关系。

And it's not fake and it's not, maybe it is a little surface level but like, maybe we need a little bit of that in our life.

我经常思考的是，中等亲密程度朋友的期待值可能正是事情变得模糊的地方，对吧？

I think something that I think about a lot is like, the expectations of medium friends is maybe where things get a little murky, right?

就像，等等，你既不是我最好的朋友，也不在我的核心圈子里，但我们确实有过很多愉快的交谈。

Of like, okay, wait, so you're not my best friend and you're not in my inner circle, but we have been having a lot of good conversations.

因此，与中等亲密朋友交谈时会有种轻松感，甚至有种如释重负的感觉，因为知道这样的对话会轻松自在。

So like, there can be like this levity and almost a sense of relief that comes with knowing a conversation with a medium friend is going to be light and easy.

这就是我说的'最好的朋友就是最好的朋友'的意思。

And that's what I'm saying about your best friends are your best friends.

但有时候我觉得出去笑一笑、放松一下，喝杯红酒或你喜欢的饮料也挺好的。

But sometimes I think it's nice to go and laugh and relax and like have a glass of wine or don't have a glass of whatever you are into.

就是去分享些轻松愉快的故事，不必每次都深入探讨。

But it's like just going and just like sharing lighthearted stories and not having to go so so deep sometimes.

奇怪的是，我觉得这样反而可能对健康有益。

I weirdly think can be healthy, oddly.

我还想到一个问题——虽然不知道确切答案，想和大家探讨——当我们经历困难时，和中等亲密度的朋友相处是否有时反而更轻松？

Something I also think is, and I don't know the actual answer, I guess I'm posing it to all of us, which is, is it sometimes easier to be around a medium friend when we're going through a hard time?

当然，当你经历分手、父母离婚或人生重大创伤时，你肯定会联系最要好的朋友。

Of course, you're calling your best friend when you go through the breakup or when your parents divorced or when something traumatic happens in your life.

肯定会打给你最亲近的朋友。

Like, of course, you're calling your closest friend.

但在经历了那么多同病相怜的夜晚，坐在那里难过之后，有时或许也需要一个中等亲密度的朋友——那种不了解你所有糟心事，但又足够亲近可以说'我最近很难熬，但现在只想找点乐子'的人。

But then after so many nights of commiserating and sitting there and being upset and whatever, maybe sometimes it is nice to have a medium friend where you're like, I need someone that doesn't know all of my shit, that we're close enough where like, I can say I'm going through a tough time and I just want to have a fun time.

你们可以共进晚餐，一起做陶艺，参加派对或活动，散步，上健身课，聊聊这个月尝试过的好餐厅，或是网上看到的有趣事物，非常随意自在。

And you guys can go to a dinner or you guys can go to a pottery class or you can go to a party or an event or you can go on a walk, you can go to a workout class and you kind of get to just like talk about your favorite restaurants that you tried that month or talk about some fun things that you saw online and it's like very casual.

我不知道。

I don't know.

我很想听听你们的想法，因为我觉得随着年龄增长，人们更强调'朋友要亲密'，而我们没有那么多时间投入在大量友谊上。

I would love to know your guys' thoughts because I think as we get older, there's this emphasis on keep your friends close and we don't have that much time to invest in a bunch of friendships.

但我并不是说你需要在中级朋友身上投入大量时间。

But I'm not saying that you're really investing that much time in medium friends.

而是说可能每月见一次，或者因为一起上健身课每周见一次，你们是在共同参与某项活动。

It's that once a month or maybe it is you're seeing them once a week because you're in a workout class with them or you're doing something actively.

但这不需要像真正深厚的友谊那样费心费力——那种几乎像恋爱关系一样需要互相支持的亲密友谊，有些人会把挚友看作这样的存在，对吧？

But it's not requiring the lift that is required of true, true, true intense friendships where there is an actual understanding that you need to show up for me similar to a romantic relationship, almost some people would look at their best friends as, right?

在中级友谊中，我觉得很多时候你们的相处时光就能补充能量。

In a medium friendship, I think a lot of the times your energy can be replenished by your time spent together.

通常你不会感到精疲力尽或被压垮——这么说可能不太礼貌，但这种朋友就像是你生活中的配角。

You typically don't feel drained or overwhelmed by someone who like, again, not to be rude, but just like is kind of this like side character in your life.

这没关系，因为对他们来说你也是这样的存在。

And that's okay because it's the same for them.

再次强调，我并不是说你不关心这个人，只是这种关系更加随意、愉快且停留在表面，恰好满足你们双方的需求。

And again, I'm not saying you don't care about this person, it's just a more casual, lovely, surface y relationship that is doing exactly what you both want it to be doing.

你们生活中都有很多其他事情要忙，这种关系也不会真正困扰到任何一方，对吧？

You both have a lot of other things going on in your lives and it doesn't really bother either of you, right?

这类友谊通常需要投入的情感劳动相当少。

The emotional labor associated with these type of friendships is typically pretty low.

我还读过另一篇关于这个具体观点的文章。

I also read another article about this specific idea.

文章名叫《为何我珍视我的浅层友谊——你也应该如此》，作者是Hazel Davis。

It's called Why I Cherish My Superficial Friendships and You Should Too by Hazel Davis.

好的。

Okay.

我其实很想知道你们对此的看法，因为可能有些人会坚决反对这种关系。

And again, I'm actually interested to hear what you guys think about this because some of you may be like, absolutely not.

我不希望生活中再有任何肤浅的关系了。

I don't want any surface relationships in my life anymore.

这很公平。

That's so fair.

但我认为有几个这样的关系对你有好处。

But I think a couple can kind of do you good.

好吧，她是这么写的。

Okay, here's what she writes.

浅层友谊能带来各种各样的好处。

Superficial friendships can provide all manner of benefits.

你们可能会一起做不同的事情，获得新的视角，因为你与这个人没有固定的相处模式。

You might do different things together and get new perspectives because you don't have a habit with this person.

你可以成为一个自由随性的人，暂时忘记烦恼，而对方对你也没有先入为主的看法。

You get to be a free and easygoing person who can forget about your problems for the night and that person doesn't have a preconceived idea of who you are and what you think.

你拥有一个轻松愉快、没有负担的伙伴。

You have a lighthearted, fun and easy companion without baggage.

从定义上说，低风险友谊意味着你需要付出的很少。

By definition, a low risk friendship means that very little is required of you.

高投入的友谊可能伴随着争执、愤怒、泪水和心碎。

The high stakes ones can entail arguments, anger, tears and heartbreak.

我并不是说没有那种我会为之放下一切的朋友，当然，我确实有些朋友比其他更亲近，但我对这两种朋友都给予同等重视。

I'm not saying that there aren't friends for whom I would drop everything and of course, I have some pals who I'm closer to than others, but I certainly place as much value on both types of friends.

我不确定是否赞同这个观点。

I don't know if I agree with that statement.

我绝对认为我对普通朋友的重视程度不及终身挚友。

I definitely think I don't place the same value in my medium friends than my lifers.

但我会给予同等价值，我的意思是，你要认识到每个人都会恰好带来他们的价值，以及你对他们的期待。

But I do place the same value, I would say in terms of what you're recognizing that each person is going to be bringing exactly their value and what you're expecting of them.

这是件美妙的事。

And that is a beautiful thing.

这就像根据每个人和你们的关系阶段来调整预期，对吧？

It's like tailoring your expectations per person and where your relationship is, right?

她说，与恋爱关系不同，我们从不讨论友谊的边界问题。

She says, unlike romantic relationships, we don't have conversations about friendship boundaries.

确实如此。

So true.

相反，你必须通过社交暗示和行为来理解它们。

Instead, you will have to use social cues and behaviors to understand them.

本质上，任何让你感到不适的事情，都表明你们在友谊层面并不对等。

Essentially, anything that sits uncomfortably with you, you know that you are not at the same level friendship wise.

所以我认为中等朋友这个概念迫使我们思考的是，友谊在大多数情况下本应是令人愉快的。

So I think what the medium friend concept forces us to consider is that more often than not, friendships are supposed to be fun.

虽然深厚的友谊应该让我们感到安全、被看见和被爱，但它们也让我们在面对关系不对等时，可能感到失望或怨恨，对吧？

And while deeper friendships are supposed to make us feel safe, seen and loved, they also open us up to the possibility of feeling disappointment or resentment when that dynamic isn't equal, right?

由于我们在友谊中不像在恋爱关系中那样频繁讨论期望、需求或界限，我认为我们通常只有在发生冲突或争吵后才会与朋友进行这些对话。

And since we don't talk about expectations, needs, or boundaries as much in friendships than we do romantic relationships, I think that we typically only have these conversations with a friend after a conflict or a fight.

这意味着日常生活中，我们需要审视自己的友谊并思考：这种关系是否相互支持？

So that means day to day it is on us to look inward at our friendships and be like, is this dynamic mutually supportive?

在满足情感需求方面，是否感觉对等？

When it comes to getting emotional needs met, does it feel equal?

我确实经历过这样一种友谊，我基本上成了我一位密友的心理治疗师。

I have definitely experienced the type of friendship before where I essentially became the therapist to one of my close friends.

当然，当朋友遇到困难时，你应该陪伴他们，愿意和他们一起探讨问题。

And course, when a friend is going through something, you should be there for them and open to talking through a problem with them.

我觉得这就是我和我童年朋友们相处的全部方式。

And I feel like that's all my childhood friends and I do.

我先倾诉，然后他们倾诉，接着又轮到我，再轮到他们。

I go, then they go, then I go, then they go.

我们会说'好吧等等，今晚是你的专场，把一切都告诉我，我会在这里陪你一起解决'。

And then we do like, okay, wait, it's a you night, tell me everything and then I'm gonna be here and we're gonna solve it.

然后第二天晚上轮到我了，我会向你倾诉，就这样循环往复。

Okay, next night is my night, I'm gonna tell you and that's how it goes.

但我确实认为，有时候会达到一个临界点，你无法再独自承担朋友情感健康的全部责任。

But I do think sometimes it can come to a point where you cannot be the sole source of a friend's emotional well-being.

这种情况通常发生在那些非常非常亲密的友谊中，对吧？

And that usually happens from these really, really close friendships, right?

非常亲密的友谊。

Really close friendships.

我认为没有什么比友谊更美好，但同时也比友谊更微妙了，对吧？

I don't think there's anything more beautiful but then there's also nothing more delicate than friendships, right?

恋爱关系虽然复杂，但我觉得它们比友谊直白得多，因为友谊涉及的东西太多了。

Like romantic relationships are so complicated but I think they're way more straightforward than friendships because friendships, it's a lot.

这里面有很多推拉关系，因为你们不住在一起，也不睡在一起。

It's a lot of push and pull because you aren't living together, you're not sleeping together.

有些人正以你无法察觉的方式提升和成长，因为如果是恋人，你们时刻相伴，共同进退。

Some people are elevating and growing in a different way that you're actually not privy to because within a romantic partner, you're with them all the time and you're like ebbing and flowing and you're with each other all the time.

友谊则像是：等等，哇，发生了什么？

Friendship, it's like, oh, wait, woah, what happened?

或者有时候，朋友会因为恋爱对象而改变。

Or again, sometimes your friend can change because of who they're dating.

友谊中有太多不可控的变量，这使它们有时比爱情美好十倍，但在处理这些亲密关系时也可能非常非常困难。

Like, there's so many variables in friendships that you can't control, which is why they're 10 times more beautiful sometimes than romantic, but also can be really, really hard in moments to navigate those close friends.

当你成为朋友情感健康的唯一支柱时，我认为事情就变得非常棘手了。

And when you become the sole source of your friends emotional well-being, that is where things I think get really tricky.

我在纽约生活时有个朋友，起初我会说这是段中等亲密度的友谊——这有点讽刺，因为我当时并不知道这种说法。

I had this one friend when I was living in New York where it started off, I would actually say as a medium friendship, which is kind of ironic because I didn't know it was called that.

我们原本关系不错，但慢慢地我变成了她的心理治疗师，而一开始我还很乐意这么做。

And it was like, we were close and then slowly I became her therapist And I was so happy to do that in the beginning.

我当时想'天啊，能陪在你身边我真的很开心'。

I was like, oh, my gosh, like, I am so happy that I can be here for you.

那时我自己的生活也相对稳定些。

And I was in a little bit more of a stable place in my life.

然后突然之间，这段关系就从中等亲密变成了——天哪，现在我感觉你认为我们超级亲密，因为我总是随叫随到。

And I think then all of a sudden, it crept from being a medium friendship to, oh my God, now I'm feeling like you're thinking we're super close because I'm here for you all the time.

但你其实根本不了解我的事情。

But you don't really know any of my stuff.

而当我试图分享自己的困扰时，不知怎的话题总会转回'但你的问题更严重'。

And when I try to share my stuff, somehow it always turns back to but your stuff is worse.

然后我坐在这里感觉精疲力尽又充满怨恨，因为你从这段关系中获得的远比我多。

And then I'm sitting here feeling kind of like drained and exhausted and resentful because you're getting so much more out of this relationship than me.

重申一次，我很乐意为朋友提供支持。

And again, I'm so happy to be there for a friend.

友谊本该如此，但当它如此失衡时，你就会开始想：等等，可我毕竟不是心理治疗师啊。

That is what friendship is but when it is so imbalanced, you start to be like, wait, but I'm actually not a therapist.

等等，珍妮，我不是心理医生。

Wait, wait, Jenny, I'm not a therapist.

而且你也没付钱给我做这个。

Okay, and you're not paying me for this.

我本该是你他妈的闺蜜啊。

I'm supposed to be your fucking friend.

现在我们应该喝着玛格丽塔，问问我今天过得怎么样。

And now let's like have a margarita and ask me how my day was.

过去16次聚餐我们都在谈论你，那我从中得到了什么？

And for the past 16 dinners, we've only talked about you like, what am I getting out of this?

这感觉真的很奇怪，而且开始让人不舒服了。

This feels really weird and this is starting to feel icky.

我认为当这种高强度情感劳动成为关系的核心时，亲密友谊就可能变得有问题，而中等程度的友谊通常不会陷入这种困境。

And I think when this dynamic of intense emotional labor becomes the core of the relationship, that is when a close friendship can become problematic in a way that a medium friendship is typically safe from.

要维持健康的友谊，双方都需要在内心评估自己对彼此情感支持的期望程度。

In order to be in a healthy friendship, you both need to internally evaluate how much you're expecting the other person to take on emotionally.

亲密友谊需要相互支持才能保持水平关系而非垂直关系——我马上会详细解释这点，因为我最近在读一本关于垂直与水平关系的书，内容非常引人入胜。

A close friendship needs to be mutually supportive in order to maintain a horizontal rather than vertical relationship, which I will get into in a second because I've been reading a book and it's been so fascinating about vertical versus horizontal relationships.

但首先，我想提出几个问题让你自问，这也是我这个月早些时候问过自己的。

But first, I just want to pose some questions to ask yourself that I also asked myself earlier this month.

如果你正坐在那里反思与某位密友的关系模式，并意识到可能在情感上存在失衡。

If you are sitting there kind of reflecting on the dynamic you have with a close friend and realizing it may be emotionally imbalanced.

好吧，当你和这位朋友相处后，你感觉如何？

Okay, after you hang out with this friend, how do you feel?

对吧？

Right?

你是否感到焦虑、疲惫，或者沮丧？

Are you anxious, tired, maybe frustrated?

你是否经常在自己的生活中做出牺牲，以确保能最好地支持他们？

Are you regularly making sacrifices in your own life to make sure you're able to best show up for them?

你是否发现因为对方的问题总是主导谈话，导致你根本没机会向他们寻求建议？

Do you find that you don't get a chance to ask them for advice because their issues completely steamroll the conversation?

最重要的是，你是否觉得自己能做真实的自己，表达真实感受？

And most importantly, do you feel like you can be your authentic self and say how you truly feel?

还是说你总是如履薄冰？

Or are you constantly walking on eggshells?

我认为所有关系的目标都应该是横向而非纵向的动态。

The goal I think in all relationships is for the dynamic to be horizontal rather than vertical.

两周前，朋友们，我完全不明白这他妈是什么意思。

And so two weeks ago, you guys, I had no idea what the fuck that meant.

我的意思是，我能大概猜到意思，但具体是怎么回事？

I mean, I can gather what it would mean but like, what is happening?

所以各位，这就是为什么我说我们今天要在《Call Her Daddy》节目里学习。

And so guys, that's why I said we are going to be learning here on Call Her Daddy today.

我最近在读一本叫《被讨厌的勇气》的书，它让我明白了什么是水平关系和垂直关系。

So I have been reading a book called The Courage to Be Disliked, which opened me up to the idea of what horizontal and vertical relationships are.

我觉得这个概念非常有趣，也是看待友谊动态的一种新颖视角。

And I think it's really interesting and it's an interesting way to view a friendship dynamic.

水平关系本质上是一种完全平等的关系，意味着双方都认为彼此地位平等，对吧？

So a horizontal relationship is basically a completely egalitarian relationship, which basically means both sides view each other to be of equal status, right?

每个人都能真实地展现自我，不必担心比对方低等或高等。

And each one is able to show up authentically without worrying about being inferior or superior to the other.

在良好的友谊、恋爱关系或任何健康的关系中，水平动态意味着每个人都自主选择，同时存在相互尊重和体谅。

In a good friendship or a good romantic relationship also, or in really any good relationship, a horizontal dynamic means that each person makes their own choices and there's mutual respect and consideration.

在支持和鼓励方面总是相互的。

And there is always reciprocity when it comes to support and encouragement.

而在垂直关系中，一方比另一方更需要被依赖。

In a vertical relationship, one person is more needed than the other.

好的，所以通常是一个人掌握权力或影响力，从而控制这种关系动态的结果，对吧？

Okay, and so one person typically holds the power or the influence and then controls the outcome of the dynamic as a result, right?

在你生活中，最早最直接的例子就是老板与员工的关系，但更倾向于不健康的垂直关系的例子会是友谊。

So like in your life, the earliest most straightforward example would be like a boss in an employee relationship but something that's more leaning towards unhealthy in a vertical relationship would be a friendship.

为什么一个朋友会比另一个更有权力呢？

Like why would one friend have more power over the other?

这说不通，对吧？

That doesn't make sense, right?

所以我劝你们审视垂直式友谊，因为伙计们，我一直在生活中这么做，我就在想，天啊，这到底是垂直关系还是水平关系？

And so in vertical friendships, which I urge you because guys, I've been doing this in my life and I'm like, oh my God, is this a vertical or a horizontal relationship?

而马特会说，好了够了。

And Matt is like, okay, enough.

咱们聊聊你他妈正在看的那部电视剧吧。

Let's talk about that fucking TV show you were watching.

我就说，你从来不想知道我的真人秀节目。

I'm like, you never want to know about my reality shows.

他就说，你不能坐在这儿把生活中每段关系都分析一遍，亚历克斯。

And he's like, you can't sit here and go through every single relationship in your life right now, Alex.

但我开始着迷了，因为我想要彻底评估那些真正吸引我的核心。

But I'm like becoming obsessed because I want to evaluate truly like to the core what I'm fascinated.

我就在想，我的每段关系现在处于什么状态？

I'm like, where do each of my relationship stands?

这还挺有意思的，对吧？

It's kind of fascinating, right?

所以在垂直友谊中，一方往往比另一方获益更多。

And so in vertical friendships, one person tends to be benefiting more than the other.

你可能会以为给建议的人更睿智，所以处于上位。

So you would think the person that's giving the advice is like, oh, you're wiser and you're this so you're on top.

不，这是武器化的无能——我不是说人们故意这样做，但就像，你朋友是否总对你无止境倾倒苦水却从不关心你的近况？

No, it's the weaponized incompetence and I'm not saying people are doing this on purpose but it's like, does your friend always vent to you nonstop but never ask you what's going on?

他们的问题是否总是被表现得比你的更严重、更糟糕或更重要？

Are their problems always projected to be bigger or worse or more important than yours?

也就是说你和朋友处于垂直关系中，因为他们认为自己的人生、优先事项和问题都比你更重要？

AKA you're in a vertical relationship with your friend because they deem themselves and their life and their priorities and their issues above yours?

然后当你没能完美支持他们时，他们会用愧疚感操控你吗？

And then do they guilt trip you when you aren't perfectly there for them?

他们对你的期望是不是在不断加码？

Like are their expectations on you constantly increasing?

因为当你和朋友处于垂直关系时，你会感觉这几乎变成了一种共生关系，对吧？

Because when you are in a vertical relationship with a friend, you then feel like, oh, it almost becomes like codependent, right?

因为你会想：等等，他们正在经历这些，我该如何打破这个循环——嘿芭芭拉，姐妹我也有话要说

Because you're like, wait, but they're going through this and how now am I going to break the cycle where I'm like, hey, Barbara, I gotta get some words out, girl.

我现在知道你那个在戒毒的混蛋兄弟的事了，我为你感到难过，这些事我都知道

I know now about your fucked up brother in rehab and I feel horrible for you, I know so much about that.

我也知道你姐姐嫁的那个混蛋现在开始言语虐待了，这太糟糕了

And I know your sister who married the asshole that now it's turned like verbally abusive, which is horrible.

我还知道你母亲酗酒成瘾的情况很严重

And I know your mother has been hit in the bottle horrible.

而且我知道你爱你爸爸，你这幸运的婊子。

And I know you love your dad, you lucky bitch.

这里发生了太多事情。

And there's so much going on here.

但就像，你甚至知道我有没有兄弟姐妹吗？

But like, do you even know if I have a sibling?

而他们却说，我们会谈到那个的。

And they're like, but we're going to get to that.

听我说。

Listen to me.

所以前几天晚上你就像，天啊，芭芭拉，芭芭拉，给我闭嘴。

So the other night you're like, oh my God, Barbara, Barbara, shut the fuck up.

你就像，芭芭拉，我很想知道。

You're like, Barbara, I would love to know.

芭芭拉，你知道我的姓吗，芭芭拉？

Barbara, do you know my last name, Barbara?

她说：'是的，只是因为你是我的紧急联系人。'

And she's like, yes, only because you're on as my emergency contact.

就像，事情总是莫名其妙地绕回他们身上。

Like, it somehow always flows back to them.

你说：'我是你的紧急联系人，芭芭拉。'

You're like, I'm your emergency contact, Barbara.

就像，'芭芭拉你给我闭嘴'。

Like, Barbara shut the fuck up.

这真的能让人发疯，你会觉得'天啊，我被这个人绑架了'。

It can literally start to drive you insane where like, you feel like, oh my God, I'm beholden to this person.

而当你试图在关系中建立哪怕一点点平等时，他们还会让你觉得自己是个坏人。

And then they also make you feel like a bad person if you try to impose like any semblance of equality in the relationship.

然后你会想：'我怎么沦落到这种地步？'

And you're like, how did I get to this point?

我怎么沦落到只能当这个人心理医生的地步？

How did I get to this point where I'm literally just this person's therapist?

每当我试图谈论自己的生活时，他们总让我觉得自己很自私，因为对他们来说他们的事对我来说重要得多。

And anytime that I try to actually talk about my life, they make me feel like I'm a bad person for trying to talk about myself because their stuff is so much more important to me.

朋友们，这根本不是友谊该有的样子。

Guys, that is not what a friendship should be.

确实会有这样的时刻——朋友需要你全神贯注地倾听，因为这就是生活。

There are moments when your friend needs to be all consuming and have you listen because that's life.

友谊的天平总会时高时低，但若长期单方面倾斜，你就该立刻抽身离开。

One friend is gonna be way more in it than the other and it ebbs and flows, yes, but if this is a constant you need to get the fuck out.

我们渴望的是平等互惠的友谊关系，对吧？

You are craving horizontal friendships, equal friendships, right?

在平等的友谊中，你们能真实地做自己，不必在权力失衡中小心翼翼周旋。

Horizontal friendships, you're able to actually show up authentically for one another because you're not dancing around these power imbalances.

不需要强迫对方在自己生活中扮演特定角色，因为彼此的期待本就是一致的。

There's no forcing each other to fit into certain beneficial boxes in each other's lives because the expectations are aligned.

很多时候——我多希望能专门做期节目探讨这个——但世上大多数问题归根结底都源于自我认知，而自我认知恰恰是无法被传授的。

And a lot of times, and this is something that I wish I could do an episode on but this is not something really that can be taught, which is most of the problems in the world just come down to self awareness and you can't really teach self awareness.

很多时候如果你发现自己陷入这种动态关系，你可以尝试，再尝试，拼命努力想摆脱这种不平等的关系，试图与朋友建立公平的相处模式。

So a lot of times if you're finding yourself in these dynamics, can try and you can try and you can try and you can push as much as you want to push to try to get out of it not being an equal dynamic and try to get it to like a fair standing with a friend.

但经过几次尝试后，虽然我不愿承认，这可能意味着这段关系已经根深蒂固地形成了固定模式，而且对方从这段关系中获得了他们想要的一切，实际上他们并不想和你建立平等友谊，对吧？

But after a few attempts, I hate to admit it, but that probably means that relationship is so molded and grounded in what it is and its patterns and also that person is getting exactly what they want out of that relationship that they actually wouldn't be interested in an equal friendship with you, right?

这需要同时清楚你希望别人如何对待你，以及你能为别人付出多少底线。

Like it takes knowing both how you want someone to show up for you and what your limits are for someone else.

我只是...抱歉，刚才把别人的清单列出来了。

I just and someone else, sorry, just had a list of someone else.

这两件事都需要通过内在修炼和反思才能弄明白。

And both of those things take the inner work and the reflection to figure that out.

设定界限对于维持平等友谊至关重要。

Setting the boundaries are so necessary in order to maintain a horizontal friendship.

有时这可能会以被某人讨厌告终。

And it might occasionally end with being disliked by someone.

你甚至可能会失去一个朋友。

And you may even lose a friend.

但你需要重新审视这一点，意识到这意味着你的界限正在保护你免受某种极不健康的关系影响。

But you need to reframe that and realize that this means that your parameters are protecting you from something really unhealthy.

比如如果你因为对方无法接受平等平衡的友谊而失去一个朋友，那么是的，这可能意味着让这个人留在你的生活中对你并无益处——因为你知道吗？

Like if you lose a friend because they can't handle the friendship being an equal balanced dynamic, then yeah, then it probably means that it's not serving for you to have that person in your life because guess what?

这很可能意味着你一直在单方面为那个朋友付出，而他们从未为你付出，从未帮助你，从未给予你与他们所获同等的努力。

It means probably that you're just serving that friend and they're never serving you, they're never helping you out, they're never giving you the amount of effort that you're giving them.

而你不敢发声或结束这段友谊，只会进一步证明这一点。

And you being scared to speak up or end the friendship only furthers the point.

你正陷入讨好型人格的困境中，这个人高高在上掌握着主导权。

You're in a people pleasing situation where this person sits on top and holds the power.

我明白失去一段友谊很容易让人过度自责，我懂这种感觉。

And I know it can be easy to take the loss of a friendship like beyond personally, I get it.

相信我，当有人向你索求超过你所能给予的，那种感觉就像是你失败了，你会想：到底哪里出了问题？为什么就是行不通？

Trust me, someone wanting more from you than you can give them, it can feel like you're failing and you're like, but what's wrong and why won't this work?

我要告诉你，在大多数情况下这都不是你的错。

I'm telling you, it's not your fault in most situations.

这些人际互动模式会让你对做这做那感到内疚和害怕。

So many of these interpersonal dynamics are going to make you feel guilty and scared to do this or that.

很大程度上是因为我们让他人对我们的投射影响了自我认知，进而影响了与人交往的方式。

And a lot of it is because we allow other people's projections of us to affect the way that we view ourselves and therefore interact with people.

突然间你会想：天啊，我为什么这么在意这个人会怎么看待我？他们明知我在医院陪妈妈，却因为第十六任男友的事纠缠不休，觉得我必须随叫随到——可你从来都没为我这样付出过。

All of a sudden you're like, oh my God, why am I worrying so much about how much this person is going to perceive me and view me and they're going to think I'm a bad person for finally not answering the sixteenth fucking call and they know I'm with my mom in the hospital but because they're bringing up with their sixteenth boyfriend, they're thinking that I need to be there for them and I'm like, you never are here for me.

我不能再这样下去了。

I can't keep doing this.

我理解，但如果你继续维持这种垂直的不平等关系，最终会丧失做真实自我的能力。

I get it, but if you keep leaning into these dynamics that are vertical, that are not equal for you, ultimately it's going to cost your ability to be genuine.

这正好也是我正在读的那本书涉及的另一个重要话题。

And that is a whole other topic that the book I'm currently reading also hits on.

等读完这本书，我可以专门做个周日专题，讲讲我们该如何避免把别人的糟心事往自己身上揽。

So after I finish it I can do a whole Sunday session about how basically we can all be better about not taking other people's shit personally.

我觉得这简直是人生最大的问题——我们总在吸收他人投射给我们的负面评价，然后过度反思：天啊，我是个糟糕的朋友，我是个不孝的女儿。

That is like, I feel like that's literally like the biggest problem in life is we're all like taking everyone's projection on us and then you're over analyzing and you're like, oh my God, I'm a bad friend, I'm a bad daughter.

很多时候你明明只是坐在那里吃早餐，对方却在疯狂输出负面情绪，而你全盘接收了这些——其实大多数时候这些根本与我们无关。

Half of the time you literally were just like sitting there eating your fucking breakfast and this person is spewing this shit and then you're internalizing all of it and it's like a lot of times it has nothing to do with us.

大多数时候...好吧不，也许再说一次，我不知道我在对谁说话。

Most of the time, well, no, maybe again, I don't know who I'm speaking to.

我不知道在抖音世界的某些角落，我的观众是谁。

I don't know who my audience in some corners of the fucking TikTok world or whatever.

但我知道大多数人都在努力成为好朋友，努力成为好伴侣。

But I know that most people were trying to be good friends, we're trying to be good partners.

关于如何停止讨好他人、不再全盘接受世界的期待、真正为自己而活这个话题，我们留到下次再深入探讨。

So we will save that deep dive of how to stop people pleasing and just essentially absorbing the world's wants and needs of us and actually living for ourselves in some capacity for another time.

希望你们喜欢读书会第一期周日专栏，我很期待制作更多这样的内容。

I hope you enjoyed this first little Sunday session of book club and I'm excited to do more episodes like this.

如果你们有任何特别想让我深入探讨的话题或文章，请随时告诉我。

If you guys have obviously any other topics or articles that you're passionate about and you want me deep dive on, let me obviously know.

总的来说，关于'中等亲密朋友'这个概念，我理解可能引发的讨论会是：'不，Alex，我只想要亲密朋友'

But overall, I think to sum up the medium friend thing, it's like, I get that a big conversation that may come from this is like, no, Alex, I just want my close friends.