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你正在收听《妈妈咪呀》播客。
You're listening to a Mamma Mia podcast.
《妈妈咪呀》向录制本播客的土地和水域的传统主人致意。
Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters this podcast is recorded on.
嗨。
Hi.
我是佐治亚·洛夫。
I'm Georgia Love.
欢迎来到《每个人都有一个鸡蛋》的夏季系列。
Welcome to the summer series of everyone has an eggs.
这个夏天，我们精心策划了《每个人都有一个前伴侣》特别歌单，未来三周每周三和周六都会推出我们最不容错过的精彩剧集。
This summer, we've curated a special everyone has an ex playlist with our favorite unmissable episodes dropping every Wednesday and Saturday for the next three weeks.
你的假期听播客安排好了。
So your holiday listening sorted.
本集深入讲述了苏西和托德深深相爱的故事。
This episode follows Susie and Todd deeply in love.
这对新婚夫妇刚刚开始规划他们共同的余生，却发生了难以置信的事情。
The newlyweds are just beginning to plan the rest of their lives together when the unthinkable happens.
这一集会让你准备好纸巾。
You're gonna want the tissues for this one.
前任形形色色，各有不同。
Exes come in all different shapes and sizes.
有出轨者、说谎者，还有感情破裂的情侣。
The cheaters, the liars, the fallout of lovers.
但那些因为不再存在于这个世界而成为前任的人呢？
But what about those who become an ex because they're, well, not there anymore?
那些你曾许诺永远相爱、共同规划人生、结婚，无论顺境逆境、富贵贫贱、健康疾病，直到死亡将我们分开的人。
The ones you've promised to love forever, planned a life with, married, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.
我没有选择失去托德。
I didn't choose to lose Todd.
在理想的世界里，我会和他一起做这件事，但宇宙决定这不是我的人生轨迹。
In an ideal world, I would be doing this with him, but the universe decided that wasn't my journey.
我是佐治亚·洛夫，这是《每个人都有前伴侣》。
I'm Georgia Love, and this is everyone has an ex.
跟我一起走进一系列非传统的爱情故事，聆听那些亲身经历者的心声。
Come with me as we dive into a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the hearts of the very people who lived them.
要开始这个故事，我需要带你们去往教堂之城、世界顶级葡萄酒之乡——阿德莱德。
To begin this story, I need to take you to the city of churches and the home of some of the world's finest wines, Adelaide.
而在2005年，这里也是V8超级房车赛Klipschl 500的举办地。
And in 2005, it was also the home of the v eight supercars Klipschl 500.
想象一下霍尔登对福特，空气中弥漫着汽油味，地上散落着空啤酒罐，身着莱卡紧身衣和高跟鞋的格里德女孩在赛道旁穿梭。
Think Holden versus Ford, the smell of petrol in the air, empty tinnies scattered on the ground, and grid girls roaming the track in Lycra and High Hills.
这正是苏西遇见托德的完美浪漫背景。
The perfect romantic background for when Susie met Todd.
我当时从墨尔本来阿德莱德出差，他的朋友赢得了一场与库格酒相关的比赛，获得了参加阿德莱德500赛的资格，便带上了托德作为他的嘉宾。
So I'd come from Melbourne to Adelaide for work, and his friend had won a competition with Cougar Bourbon for a trip to the Adelaide five hundred and took Todd as one of his guests.
那时我正在CUB公司工作，
I was working for CUB at the time,
所以这成了我们周末活动的一部分。
so it was part of our kind of activity for the weekend.
我会去接他们参加维修区参观和车手见面会之类的事情，当时我就注意到他，觉得他挺帅的。
I would pick them up for pit tours and driver meet and greets and that kind of thing and clocked him and thought that he was cute.
我的意思是，他就在那里，你知道的，三个消防员赢得了这次旅行。
I mean, he was there, you know, three firemen winning this trip.
那还挺有趣的。
That was kind of fun.
他长得帅，还很像那种典型的消防员。
And he was cute and kind of looked like your stereotypical fireman.
他身材高大，而且是金发。
He was big and, you know, blonde.
他来自珀斯，皮肤偏橄榄色，整体看起来挺可爱的。
He was from Perth, so he had the the olive skin and was just pretty cute.
但他话不多，相处起来挺费劲的。
And but he didn't talk a lot, and he was hard work.
其他人都非常积极地参与活动，但他不太愿意参加工作人员的活动，有点拘谨和害羞。
So the other guys were really enthusiastic about doing things, but he kinda didn't wanna participate in staff and was just a bit awkward and a bit shy.
所以直到最后一晚大家出去喝酒时，我才和他聊了起来。
And so it wasn't really until the last night that everybody went out for drinks that I was chatting to him.
他走到酒吧，那是CUB提供的免费酒吧，主动提出要给我买一杯酒。
He came up to the bar, which was a fully free bar put on by CUB and came up and offered to buy me a drink at the free bar.
这下子我们就开始聊天了，我想我跟他说的第一句话是：‘我以为你是个哑巴呢。’
And that just started the conversation, and I think my some of my first words to him were, oh, I thought you were mute.
能听到你说话真好。
Lovely to hear that you can actually talk.
总之，那一晚我们几乎没怎么停过嘴。
Anyway, that just we barely stopped talking that night.
我想我们大概在凌晨三点才分开。
I think we parted ways at about 3AM.
在克拉佩尔500赛事上遇到的一个高个金发消防员。
A tall blonde fireman at the Clipseil five hundred.
这还能更童话一点吗？
Could you get any more fairy tale?
他们的激情恋情本可能转瞬即逝。
Well, their racy romance could have been short lived.
第二天早上，托德飞回了他家乡珀斯，苏西则回到了她的家乡墨尔本。
The next morning, Todd flew back to his hometown of Perth and Susie to hers of Melbourne.
如果就这样，这可就不是一个好爱情故事了，对吧？
That wouldn't make this a very good love story now, would it?
那种连接就是属于你永远都嫌不够的类型。
It was one of those kind of just connections that you just can't get enough.
你知道吗，第二天他走后，我记得他刚离开十分钟就给她发了条短信。
You know, the next day, I remember after he left, he sent her that early that morning, he sent a text about ten minutes after he left.
第二天早上我醒来时，第一件事就是给他发了另一条消息。
And, you know, the next morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was send him another message.
每次手机一响，那种感觉都无比美好，充满了最初的兴奋。
And every time the phone pinged, was that, you know, beautiful kind of initial exciting feeling.
所以，是的，我们之间有很多来回的信息和电话。
So, yeah, there was a lot of messaging back and forth, a lot of phone calls.
所以，两周后，我飞往珀斯见他，我们去邓德斯堡度了个周末。
So, yeah, two weeks later, I flew to Perth to meet him, and we went down to Dundesborough for the weekend.
这开启了接下来四年异地恋的模式。
And that kind of kicked off what was in the next four years of long distance relationship.
这当然不是理想的情况，尤其是持续四年之久。
Now that's certainly not the ideal situation, least of all, for four years.
但托德作为消防员，无法离开西澳大利亚，而苏西在国家的另一端有一份稳定的工作，并且和朋友家人关系非常亲密。
But Todd's job as a firefighter meant he couldn't leave Western Australia, while Susie had a solid job across the other side of the country and was very close to her friends and family.
但当你知道那是对的，你就会努力让它持续下去。
But when you know, you know, and you make it work.
因为他是一名
Because he was
消防员，他上的是轮班，这让他有时在工作日能灵活前往墨尔本。
a firefighter, he worked shifts, and so that gave him some flexibility in coming to Melbourne sometimes during the week.
然后我周五下班后飞过去，周日晚上坐红眼航班回来，到家后洗个澡就直接去上班。
And then I would fly there after work on a Friday and come back on the red eye on Sunday night, go home, shower, and go straight to work.
这基本上就是我们的日常安排。
And that was
我们的例行安排。
kind of our drill.
你知道，我们尽量不超过三周不见面。
You know, we tried to not go longer than three weeks without seeing each other.
距离真的很艰难。
The distance was tough.
在他们相聚的宝贵日子里，总有一种压力要充分利用，而当你们如此频繁地分离时，很难真正建立起一段关系。
There was pressure to make the most of those precious days they were together, and it was hard to settle into a relationship when you're spending so much time apart.
苏西承认，这些挣扎曾几次几乎让他们分手。
Susie admits the struggles almost broke them a couple
几次。
of times.
你知道，我们那种关系就是很难放手。
You know, we just had that sort of relationship that it was difficult to let go.
我觉得在我们的关系中，或者在某个时刻，曾多次出现过这样的想法：我不知道我们能不能挺过去。
And I feel like there was a number of times through our relationship or be it a moment in time where you're like, I don't know if we can get through this.
不知怎的，我们总能再次找到彼此。
Somehow, we always found each other again.
我只是觉得他和我之前交往过的任何人都不一样，而我也和他之前交往过的任何人都不同。
I just think he was so different to anybody that I dated before, and I was so different to what he had dated before.
我们来自世界的两端。
We just came from opposite sides of the world.
你知道吗，他第一次见我家人时，几乎整顿饭都一言不发。
You know, even the first time he met my family, he was just he was literally silent for nearly all of dinner.
我记得我爸爸评论说，我觉得他这人社交能力差得离谱。
And I remember my dad made a comment saying, I think that bloat's, like, socially inept.
我甚至都不知道他到底在想什么？
I don't even know if he like, what is going on?
后来我对他说，你当时到底怎么了？
And I said to him afterwards, what was going on?
为什么你不能像我那样跟他们交流呢？
Like, how why can't you show them what I say?
你为什么那么安静？
Why were you so quiet?
他说：我特别钦佩你们一家人吃饭时的互动方式。
And he's like, I'm so in awe of the way your family interact over a dinner table.
你们一边笑，一边有那么多故事可以分享，整个家庭氛围温暖又美好。
You know, like, the way that you're, you know, you're laughing and you've all got so many stories to tell and it's just such a beautifully warm family environment.
我感觉自己完全超出了我的能力范围。
I've I felt totally out of
我的能力范围。
my depth.
所以我们来自完全不同的世界。
And so we just came from different worlds.
感觉无论遇到什么挑战，宇宙都注定我们要在一起。
It just felt like the universe meant for us to be together no matter the challenges.
从那个第一晚开始的联系，从未消失。
The connection from that very first night was never lost.
撇开差异和距离不谈，归根结底，他们深爱着对方。
Differences and distance aside, at the end of the day, they were in love.
我觉得我最爱他的地方，就是和他在一起时我感到无比安全。
I think what I loved about him most is that I felt totally safe with him.
你知道吗？即使我去到一个战乱国家，只要他在我身边，我就会坚信我们一定会平安无事。
You know, I could go to the middle of a war torn country, and if I had him by my side, I would have absolute faith that we would be okay.
当他工作时，或者在需要快速打电话的场合，他的表现简直超乎我的想象，我从没见过这样的情况。
When he was at work or when he was in a situation where he needed to make calls quickly, he was just beyond like I've never seen anything like it.
有一晚我们在珀斯开车，经过一家酒吧时，一个喝醉的人从路边直接冲到我们前面那辆车前，那辆车撞上了他。
We were driving in Perth one night and we were going past a pub and a guy who'd been drinking, he was quite drunk, stepped off the side of the road right in front of the car in front of us and the car hit him.
我记得我倒吸一口凉气，但托德只是把车停到路边，像只是要去买条面包一样轻松地下车，走到前面那辆车旁，对车里的女人说：‘好了。’
And I just remember gasping and Todd just pulled the car over, like, got out of the car as if he was just parking it, you know, to go and get a loaf of bread, walked over, the woman in the car in front, he's like, okay.
你能把车停到那边吗？然后我需要你回到这里来。
If you can just pull your car over there, then I'm gonna need you to come back over here.
他走向了路上的那个人。
Went to the guy on the road.
他的鞋子散落得到处都是。
His shoes were, like, scattered.
他正在叫周围的人帮忙。
He's like, getting people involved.
你能去那边确保它朝那个方向走吗？
Can you just go there and just make sure that goes that way?
来吧，伙计。
Come on, mate.
让我们看看你。
Let's have a look at you.
他把那个人摆正位置，确保他安全。
Gets the guy into the right position to make sure that he's safe.
你能打电话叫救护车吗？
Can you just call the ambulance?
我就站在那里。
I just stood there.
我眼睁睁看着这家伙在高速公路上完全掌控了整个局面，而他就是这么一个人，我却一点忙都帮不上。
I got absolutely useless myself watching this guy just totally curate this situation on a highway, and that was just him.
他就是那种让我感觉特别安心的人，而且他有着非凡的街头智慧。
He just, you know, he was just the sort of person who I felt entirely safe with, and he was just had incredible street smarts.
我记得当时就在想，他能应对任何这样的情况。
And, you know, I just remember thinking, he just he can tackle any sort of situation like this.
只要他在，我就永远是安全的。
I will always be safe as long as he's here.
那么，是什么会让其中一个人
So what would get one of
最终打电话来团聚呢？
them to make the call to finally be together?
这是一个周六的早晨。
It's a Saturday morning.
我们正躺在床上。
We were just lying in bed.
我起身去上厕所，然后回来了。
And I just got up to go to the loo and came back.
我说：来吧，宝贝。
And I said, come on, baby.
你该起床了。
You should get up.
他却说：哦，回来吧。
He's like, oh, just come back.
回来抱五分钟吧。
Come back for a five minute cuddle.
于是我回到床上，重新躺下，他则侧过身，拿出一个戒指盒，说：你觉得怎么样？
So I came back in, got back into bed, and then he just kind of rolled onto his side and presented a ring box and he just said, So what do you reckon?
你觉得我们应该结婚吗？
Do you think we should get married?
就这样了。
And that was it.
他买了一枚漂亮的戒指，这枚戒指他根本负担不起，是在阿尔伯特公园的一家店买的。
He bought this beautiful ring that he 100% couldn't afford and he bought it from a shop in Albert Park.
这家珠宝商可能比其他任何该死的珠宝商贵了50%，因为他们就在阿尔伯特公园。
This jeweller that probably charged 50% more than any other bloody jeweller because they're in Albert Park.
我曾经走过这家店，往橱窗里看过，说过关于其中一枚戒指的什么话，所以他以为我知道我想要那枚戒指。
I'd walked past the shop and looked in the window and said something about one of the rings so he would have thought I need you know I need to get her the ring that
她爱的戒指，所以我一定要让他爱上我。
she loves, so I'm gonna love him.
所以苏西搬到了珀斯。
So Susie moved to Perth.
最终，他们的爱情战胜了一切，他们知道，无论身在何处，从事什么工作，身边是谁，只有彼此相伴，他们才会真正快乐。
Ultimately, their love won out, and they knew wherever they were, whatever jobs they were in or whoever they were surrounded by, they would only really be truly happy if they were together.
我们在布莱顿的某个花园里举行了婚礼，然后在布莱顿酒吧的楼上举办了婚宴，非常美丽。
We got married in some gardens in Brighton and then had our reception upstairs at Brighton Bars, was really beautiful.
那是一个愉快而有趣的夜晚。
And it was just a good fun night.
这非常符合我们的风格。
It was reflective of us.
他的父母和他们的伴侣都来了。
His mum and dad were there and their partners.
他的工作主管担任了伴郎。
His station officer from work was his best man.
我还和他同事的妻子们建立了很好的友谊，同时也和我在珀斯工作时的一些同事建立了联系。
And that was I'd built up some really nice friendships with his work colleagues' wives, as well as some of my colleagues that I was working with in Perth.
所以我在那里也有一个很好的社交基础，能让他们来到墨尔本、进入我的生活圈，真是太好了。
So I had a really nice base there as well, which was lovely to have them in Melbourne in my environment.
是的，真的非常美好。
Yeah, it was really lovely.
所以我们留在墨尔本过圣诞节时做了这件事。
So we did that when we stayed in Melbourne for Christmas.
我们在12月18日结婚，所以就在那里过了圣诞节，然后在一月返回珀斯。
We got married on the December 18, so we just stayed here for Christmas and then headed back to Perth in Jan.
我们在3月15日去度蜜月，那真是太棒了。
We went to our honeymoon on the March 15, which was gorgeous.
前半段去了越南，就像一次学校郊游。
Had the first half in Vietnam which was like a school excursion.
他每天早上七点就叫我们起床，带我们去参观各种战争遗址之类的地方。
He had us up at 7AM every morning doing tours out to relevant war sites and that kind of thing.
然后我们去了科兰塔度过蜜月的后半段，对我来说，那是放松的部分，也是整个旅程中最美丽、最浪漫的部分。
And so then we went to Koh Lanta for our honeymoon which was for the second half of the honeymoon, which was for me the wind down part and just the really beautiful romantic part of
旅行的尾声。
the trip.
苏西和托德的生活终于圆满了。
Life had finally come together for Susie and Todd.
在三十岁和三十六岁时，经历了四年的异地恋，一切都值得了。
At 30 and 36, after four years of long distance, it had all been worth it.
这很有趣。
It was funny.
我的意思是，你经常听到人们结婚时，别人会对他们说，
I mean, I you know, you often hear people when they get married, you hear people say to them,
哦，结婚后感觉有什么不同吗？
oh, does it feel different being married?
我以前总觉得这个问题太荒谬了，因为本质上有什么改变呢？
And, finally, I always thought that was such a ridiculous question because what's changed essentially?
但确实不一样了。
But it did.
感觉真的很不一样。
It felt really different.
我认为从我们两人的角度来看，那些曾经让托德对我独立性感到不安的事情——你知道，他可能觉得我只投入了一半，而婚姻让他确信我是百分之百投入的。
And I think from both of our perspectives, think the things that challenged Todd about my independence and you know I think he took my independence for kind of being half in and I think by being married it gave him the confidence that I was a 100% in.
我只是需要自己的时间去和朋友做些事情之类的。
I just needed my time to do things with friends and that kind of thing.
我认为这给了他一种对我们关系的信心，而这种信心以前可能并不存在。
I think it gave him a sense of confidence in our relationship that maybe hadn't been there before.
对我而言，可能也是如此。
And probably the same for me.
我只是觉得我们正走在一条非常好的道路上。
I just felt like we were we were on a really good path.
我只是感到对这段关系完全安心，对生活在珀斯也完全安心。
I just felt I just felt totally at peace with the relationship, totally at peace with being in Perth.
一切都感觉恰如其分，就该是这样。
It just felt like everything had just was just where it should be.
生活开始回归常态。
Life started to settle into normal.
他们结婚已经四个月了，两人都有很好的工作，并对未来充满期待。
They'd now been married four months, both had great jobs, and were excited to look to the future.
他们甚至已经开始谈论小脚丫跑来跑去的声音了。
They'd even started talking about the pitter patter of little feet.
生活真的非常美好。
Life was truly wonderful.
所以，当他们在2011年4月一个本应平凡的周六早晨醒来时——距离蜜月归来才一周——没有人能预料到一切即将改变。
So when they woke up on what should have been any other Saturday in April twenty eleven, one week after returning from their honeymoon, no one could have anticipated that everything was about to change.
我们刚回来，他就要去上班，这是他复工后的第二个班次。
We just got back, and he'd he was heading to his second shift back at work.
那是个复活节周末的周六。
So it was Saturday at Easter weekend.
所以他大约在早上6点离开。
So he'd leave at about 06:00.
我去健身房，我们聊了聊。
I headed to the gym, and we had a conversation.
我去了健身房，参加了一个因复活节周末而改期的课程。
I got to the gym for a class that had been rescheduled because of based weekends.
所以我正在和他打电话。
So I'm on the phone to him.
我当时说：这太糟了。
I'm like, this is shit.
我来健身房了。
I've come to the gym.
但根本没开课。
It's not class isn't even on.
他却说：别抱怨了。
He's like, oh, stop whinging about it.
去跑步机上跑跑吧。
Get on the treadmill or something.
我当时最后说：你真让我烦。
And so I think my last point was like, you're annoying me.
我要挂电话了。
I'm getting off the phone.
他就说，好吧。
He was like, okay.
再见。
See you.
我也要去健身房。
I'm off to the gym too.
再见。
See you.
挂了电话。
Hung up the phone.
我上了跑步机，这时我在墨尔本的一个女朋友打来了电话。
Got on the treadmill, and one of my girlfriends called from Melbourne.
所以我想我当时在跑步机上跟她聊了大约二十分钟，然后想，我要回家了。
So I think I was on the treadmill talking to her for about twenty minutes and then thought, I'm going home.
我不在这里锻炼了。
I'm not working out here.
所以我继续和她聊天，回到家后，我的手机仍然处于静音状态。
So I kept chatting to her and I got home and my phone was still on silent.
我当时在房子的前厅，我们家有彩绘玻璃窗。
And I was in our front room of the house and we had stained glass windows.
我看到一个人影从彩绘玻璃窗前走过，根据我看到的部分，我能认出那是消防员的制服。
And I saw a figure walk past the stained glass windows and I could tell from what I could see that it was a fire brigade uniform.
我当时想，这肯定不是托德，因为我能看出体型和身高都不像他。
And I was like, well, that's not Todd because I could tell it wasn't his shape and his height.
于是我走到门口，那位先生向我自我介绍。
And went to the door, and this gentleman introduced himself to me.
我不知道他的名字，但他是西澳大利亚州消防队的高级人员之一。
I have no idea what his name was, but he was one of the senior people in the fire brigade in WA.
他告诉我，托德在消防站出了事，需要我跟他走一趟。
And he told me that there'd been an incident on station with Todd and that I needed to come with him.
我根本没有意识到事情有多严重，甚至没觉得比我们度蜜月前发生过的那些事更严重。
And I didn't think for a second that it was clearly it was serious, but I didn't think for a second it was any more serious than similar to before we'd gone on our honeymoon.
他提前结束了夜班回家，因为他没戴头盔，从一辆翻倒的车里爬进车窗，眼睛里进了玻璃，于是去医院取出了玻璃，然后才回家。
He'd come home early from a night shift because he'd pulled himself into an upturned car through the window without his helmet on, he'd got some glass in his eye and had gone to the hospital to get it out and then had come home.
所以我以为他又做了什么不该做的蠢事，比如没戴头盔之类的。
So I was thinking he's done something else stupid that he shouldn't have been doing and he's not had his helmet on or something.
于是我上了这个人的车。
So I got in the car with this guy.
那天是复活节星期六，交通糟糕透顶，我们很快上了高速公路，路上堵得水泄不通。
It was Easter Saturday, so traffic was revolting, and we got onto the the highway quite quickly, and it was chockers.
他打开了警报器，我觉得这有点奇怪。
And he put his sirens on, and I thought, that's a bit odd.
他说：我只是打开警报器，好让我们能尽快穿过这段拥堵的交通。
And he said, I'm just putting the sirens on so we can try to get through this traffic.
他还说，顺便提一下，保罗一直在给你打电话。
He said, by the way, Paul has been trying to call you.
保罗是托德的站长，也是我们婚礼上的伴郎。
And Paul was Todd's station officer, who was the best man in our wedding.
我看了看手机，它被设为静音，显示有大约15通保罗的未接来电。
And I looked at my phone, which had been on silent, and had about 15 missed calls from Paul.
于是我给他回了电话。
So I called him back.
我问：‘怎么了，保罗？出什么事了？’
And I said, what's Paul, what's going on?
他说：‘哦，我们觉得托德可能心脏病发作了。’
And he said, oh, so we think Todd's had a heart attack.
你好。
Hi.
我是凯特·兰布鲁克。
It's Kate Langbrook here.
我们为您带来今年我最喜爱的四段对话，作为‘无滤镜夏日’系列的一部分。
We're bringing you four of my favorite conversations of the year for our No Filter Summer series.
在这些节目中，您将听到我们邀请到演播室的几位最知名、最引人入胜的讲述者的声音。
And across these episodes, will hear from some of the biggest names and most captivating storytellers we've welcomed into the studio.
那些愿意坐下来敞开心扉、让你重新意识到真实对话价值的嘉宾。
The kinds of guests who sit down, open up, and remind you why real conversation matters.
前往你最爱的播客应用中的《No Filter》频道，安排好你的夏日听单。
Head to No Filter on your favorite podcast app to get your summer listening sorted.
他说，我还在车站。
And he said, I'm still at the station.
我正试着在这里再排个班，好替换我们。
I'm trying to get another shift here to relieve us.
另外两个男孩已经和托德一起坐救护车去了。
The other two boys have gone with Todd in the ambulance.
你得来医院。
You need to come to the hospital.
于是我赶紧说，我马上到。
So I was like, I'm on the way.
大约五分钟后，他又给我打回来了。
About five minutes later he called me back.
他说，苏兹，你得给托德的父母打个电话。
He said, Suze, think you need to call Todd's parents.
就在那一刻，我想，他们希望托德的父母到场，这一定非常严重。
And in that moment I thought, this is really serious for them to want his parents there.
于是我给他父亲打了电话，他父亲相当平静。
So I called his dad and his dad was quite kind of calm.
我说，他们认为托德在车站突发心脏病，你得赶紧来医院。
I said they think that Todd's had a heart attack on station, you need to get to the hospital.
然后我给他母亲打了电话，她一听就哭了起来，这让我有点慌了。
And then I called his mum and his mum burst into tears and that panicked me a little bit.
开车要一个半小时，感觉就像过了一个世纪。
And it's an hour and a half drive, so it just felt like an eternity.
我挂了她的电话后，继续试着问那个人问题。
And so I hung up from her, kept trying to ask this guy questions.
你认为到底发生了什么事？
What, like, what do you what do you think has happened?
这到底是怎么发生的？
How did this happen?
他什么都不知道。
He didn't know anything.
然后他的手机开了外放，响了起来，是另一个我不认识的消防员。
And then his phone rang on loudspeaker, and it was some other fire person that I didn't know.
他们说，你们离这儿有多远？
And they said, how far away are you guys?
他说，我们大概离这儿15分钟的路程。
And he said, we're about 15 away.
他说，好的。
And he said, okay.
等你们到了，我们在急诊科旁边的一个房间里。
Well, when you get here, we're in a room off the emergency department.
所以你们到了就给我打电话，我去接苏西进来。
So call me when you're here so I can bring Susie through.
所有这些事情都在不断加剧我的焦虑。
And all of these things were absolutely building on my anxiety.
我对他感到愤怒，因为我以为他又把自己逼得太狠了，现在事情发生了。
I felt furious at him because I thought he's pushed himself too hard again and now this has happened.
停下吧，就停一会儿。
Like, just stop for a second.
停下吧，就停一会儿。
Just stop for a second.
所以我们到了医院。
So we pulled up at the hospital.
不管是谁，都在外面接我们，带我们进了一个房间。
Whoever it was met us outside and took us into a room.
我走进房间，发现他的整个班的人都在，还有我已相当熟络的他的站长妻子。
And I walked into the room and his shift were all in the room and his station officer's wife who I'd become quite friendly with.
他的兄弟和他的女朋友（现在是妻子）也在那里。
And his brother was there with his girlfriend at the time, now wife.
她走过来抱住我，开始哭泣，说：‘苏西，我很抱歉。’
And she walked over to me and hugged me and started crying and said, I'm so sorry, Susie.
我当时只是在想，到底发生了什么？
And I was just thinking what is going on?
完全不知道发生了什么。
Have no idea what's going on.
我看着保罗，问他：‘保罗，到底怎么了？’
I just looked at Paul and I said, Paul, what's going on?
他说：‘你等一下。’
And he said, so just hold up a minute.
医生马上就进来。
The doctor is coming in.
我当时想：好吧。
And I was like, okay.
好吧。
Okay.
他在哪儿？
And he where is he?
他在哪儿？
Where is he?
他说，他在做心肺复苏。
He said, he's doing a re sus.
我当时想，天哪。
And I thought, oh my god.
他正在给托德做心肺复苏。
He's doing a re sus on Todd.
所以我慌了。
So I'm panicking.
你什么意思？
And I'm like, what do you mean?
你什么意思？
What do you mean?
你什么意思？
What do you mean?
我当时慌得不行，只想找找这房间的门在哪，好出去找Todd。
Like, just in a panic trying to work out where there's doors to this room and how I can get out to wherever Todd is.
保罗突然走过来，我突然想起他们所有人都交换了眼神，保罗走过来抱住我，在我耳边说：‘苏西，他走了。’
And Paul just stepped like, he I just remembered them all kind of exchanging looks, and Paul stepped over and hugged me and just said into my ear, he's gone, Susie.
我当时说：‘你什么意思？’
And I was like, what do you mean?
你刚刚还说他在给Todd做心肺复苏呢。
You just told me he was doing a race us on him.
你怎么可能知道？
How can you how can you possibly know that?
他说：‘他不是在给Todd做心肺复苏，苏西。’
And he said, he's not doing a re sus on Todd Sozzy.
他是在救另一个病人。
He's on another patient.
托德已经走了。
Todd's already gone.
我直接推开他，冲到他们身后那扇后门，跌跌撞撞地冲进了急诊室。
And I just pushed past him and pushed out the back door that was behind them and just lurched out into emergency.
幸运的是，那里站着一位护士。
And thank God there was a nurse standing there.
她问：‘苏西？’
And she said, Susie?
我说：‘是的。’
And I said, Yeah.
她说：‘你想见他吗？’
She said, Do you want to see him?
我说：‘想。’
And I said, Yes.
于是她带我走进其中一个区域，他躺在那里，我记得自己走过去抱住他，说：‘托德，他们告诉我你已经死了。’
And so she just took me in to one of the areas and he was lying there and I just remember going over and just holding him saying, Todd, they're telling me that you're dead.
快醒醒。
Just wake up.
这太荒谬了。
This is ridiculous.
他们告诉我你已经死了。
They're telling me that you're dead.
我突然意识到他已经离开了。
And it just kind of all sunk in that he was gone.
医生进来了，是一位非常善良的医生。
The doctor came in, a really beautiful doctor.
他的眼里也含着泪水。
He had tears in his eyes too.
他只是说：莱丁顿太太，
And he just said, Mrs.
我回答：是的。
Leddington and I said yeah.
他说：‘我很抱歉，我们已经尽了一切努力。’
He said I'm so sorry, we did everything that we could do.
结果你知道，那些应急服务人员之间有着深厚的纽带，事发时他在车站， apparently 在健身房做CrossFit，有两个同事已经离开了，而保罗和托德决定再做一轮训练，托德躺下
And as it turns out, you know, there's such a great bond between those emergency services and when it happened at the station, so he was in the gym apparently doing CrossFit and two of
那几个小伙子已经走了，保罗和托德决定再做一组训练，托德躺下
the boys had left and Paul and Todd had decided to do another circuit and Todd laid down
做俯卧撑，保罗转过身问：‘你怎么了，托德？你在干什么？’
to do push ups and Paul turned around and said, What are you, Todd, what are you doing?
他脸上露出一种奇怪的表情，立刻意识到出事了。
He had a really strange look on his face and he realised immediately that something was wrong.
于是他大喊让那几个小伙子回来，他们立即实施心肺复苏，并叫了救护车。
So he called, yelled out to the boys to come back up and they performed CPR, called the ambulance.
五辆救护车赶到了现场。
Five ambulance units turned out.
我想他们在现场对他抢救了大约四十分钟，然后才送他去医院。
I think they worked on him there for about forty minutes before they took him to the hospital.
所以我认为，当他们最终移动他时，他可能已经走了。
So I think probably when they finally moved him, he was probably already gone.
后来我们才发现，他患有心脏病，而我们对此一无所知。
And we later discovered that he had heart disease that we were totally unaware of.
他一侧的心脏有60%堵塞，另一侧则有90%堵塞。
And one side of his heart was 60% blocked, the other was 90% blocked.
由于他的心脏非常强壮，血液仍能通过这些微小的缝隙持续泵送。
And because his heart was so strong, it just kept pumping blood through these tiny little gaps.
那天早上，一个血栓堵住了其中一侧，他就这样离开了。
And that morning a clot hit one of the sides and he was just gone.
那天发生的许多事情，我都记不清了。
There's so many parts of that day that I don't remember.
我记得早上10点到达医院，大概下午5点36分离开，但我记得的一件事是，我不愿离开他，因为我知道他不喜欢独自一人，我有一种强烈的冲动，不想丢下他。
You know, I think I got to the hospital at 10AM and I think I left at 05:36 but one of the things that I remember is not wanting to leave him because I knew that he didn't like being by himself And I had this, you know, just this urge to not leave him.
我想大概在凌晨3点，护士们开始进来，说我们需要把他带走。
And I think probably at 03:00 nurses started to come in and say we need to take him.
有时候我会回答他们，有时候则不回答。如果我回答，我会说我还不能离开，他们就会默默走开；其他时候，我只是把头靠在他的胸口，根本不去理会他们。
And sometimes I'd answer them and sometimes I wouldn't and if I answered them I'd say I'm not ready to leave yet and they'd just kind of leave or other times I'd just sort of have my head on his chest and I just wouldn't even respond to them.
然后我记得医生进来对我说：苏西，我们真的需要你离开。
And then I remember the doctor came in and said, Susie, we really need you to leave.
我们现在需要把托德带走。
We need to take Todd now.
我只是说：我不能离开他。
I just said, I can't leave him.
他不喜欢一个人待着。
He doesn't like being by himself.
我不能离开他。
I cannot leave him.
于是他离开了，接着消防队的牧师走了进来，我之前从未见过他。
So he left and then the fire brigade chaplain came in and I had never met him before.
他叫罗恩。
Ron, his name was.
他说：苏西，你得走了。
And he said, Susie, have to go.
我说：我不能走。
And I said, I can't.
他对我说：他已经不在了，苏西。
And he said to me, He's not there anymore, Susie.
你现在抱着的不是托德了。
That's not Todd that you're sitting with anymore.
他说：他去的地方，他很快乐。
And he said, Where he's gone, he's happy.
我说：他不快乐。
And I said, He's not happy.
他怎么可能快乐？
How could he be happy?
他根本不可能快乐。
There's no way that he could be happy.
他说，我知道你有这种感觉，但相信我，我说的这个地方，最终我们所有人都会去那里。
And he said, I know that's how you feel, but believe me, when I say that where he's gone is where ultimately we will all end up.
他是幸运的，因为他可以早早离开。
And he's one of the lucky ones because he's got to go early.
我们其他人则必须度过整整一生，才能去到那里。
The rest of us have to see out a lifetime before we get to go there.
他说，他去的那个地方，是永恒的。
And he said, And where he's gone, it's timeless.
所以你此刻每时每刻都在想着他，但在他去的那个地方，时间根本不存在。
So you're sitting here thinking about him every second, every minute, but where he's gone, time doesn't exist.
就在下一刻，他会转过身来，而你就会在那里。
So just in a moment, he will turn around and you will be there.
他会说，苏西，我有东西要给你看。
And he'll be like, Suze, I've got something to show you.
那真是无比美好，我只是需要知道他去了哪里。
And it was just such a beautiful I just needed I needed to know something about where he'd gone.
我需要一些可以相信的东西，因为我 physically 无法离开他身边，生怕再也无法照顾他。
I needed something to believe in because I physically couldn't leave his side for fear that I couldn't look after him anymore.
所以在那一刻，我只是觉得他没事。
And so I think in that moment, I just felt like he's okay.
我给住在莫兰布勒的父母打了电话，他们不得不从莫兰布勒返回墨尔本，然后飞往珀斯。
I'd called my parents who were in Morambula, so they had to get back from Morambula to Melbourne to fly to Perth.
我给弟弟打了电话，他和妻子立刻订了机票，安排好孩子后，马上登机。
I had called my brother, him and his wife got straight on a flight, got their kids looked after and got straight on a flight.
所以我的最好的闺蜜大概一天后赶到了。
So I had my best girlfriend arrive probably a day later.
当时一直有人在场，我知道。
There were people there all the time, I know.
我记得妈妈试图让我吃东西，而我记得自己不想吃。
I remember mum trying to get me to eat and I remember not wanting to eat.
我花了很多时间躺在托德后甲板上的吊床上。
I spent a lot of time in Todd's hammock out on the back deck.
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你知道吗，我只是，我不确定，一切都变得模糊不清。
You know, I just, I don't know, it was all a bit of a blur.
我想我当时只是处于震惊之中。
I think I was just in shock.
我们直到5月4日才能为他举行葬礼。
We couldn't have his funeral until the May 4.
比他去世后整整一周还要久。
Longer than a week after he passed away.
那时，消防队是我生命的支柱。
The fire brigade were my lifeline at that point.
他们是一群了不起的人。
They were such an incredible group of people.
有消防车从我曾经工作过的班次开到我家门口，尽管托德从未参与过那些工作，但他们还是来帮我修剪草坪、清理排水沟。
There were fire trucks pulling up outside my house from shifts that I had, you know, that Todd hadn't worked on to mow the lawns, to clean out the gutters.
他们提供了免费的心理咨询。
They offered free counselling.
他们为葬礼提供了经济援助。
They offered financial assistance with the funeral.
他们真的太棒了。
They were just amazing.
葬礼本身就像你在电视上看到的那样。
And then the funeral itself was just like something that you've seen on TV.
真的非常令人震撼。
It was really quite overwhelming.
我坐在灵车里，棺材在后座。
So I was sitting in the car in the hearse and the coffin was in the back.
我记得到达火葬场时，我心里想：天啊，亲爱的。
I remember pulling in to the crematorium and I just went, holy shit, honey.
我记得当时在想，今天西澳的消防站谁在值班？
I remember thinking, who is on shift at the fire stations in WA today?
我觉得所有没值班的人都来参加这场葬礼了。
Like I think everybody who wasn't on shift was at this funeral.
有一支仪仗队。
There was a guard of honour.
这是我见过的最令人难以置信的事情。
It was just the most incredible thing that I think I've ever seen.
托德是三十年来首位在执勤期间去世的消防员，或者类似的情况。
And Todd was the first firefighter to pass away on shift for thirty years or something like that.
所以这对消防队来说是一个非常重要的时刻，但这也是一场对他无比美好的追悼。
So it was a really significant moment in time for the fire brigade, but it was just such a beautiful celebration of him.
我以前就知道他在工作中有多么了不起，但就在那一刻，我前所未有地为他是谁、为他每天所做的一切感到无比自豪。
I've never felt so I knew how incredible he was at his job, but I've never felt so proud of who he was and what he did every day in that moment.
不到三周前，苏西和托德刚从蜜月旅行下飞机。
Less than three weeks earlier, Susie and Todd had stepped off the plane from their honeymoon.
如今，30岁的苏西成了寡妇。
Now at 30 years old, Susie was a widow.
那真的太难了。
It was really fucking hard.
你知道，葬礼结束后，所有人都会回到自己的正常生活中。
You know, a funeral happens and then everybody goes back to their normal lives.
我当时30岁。
And I was 30.
你知道，我所有的人都回到了墨尔本。
You know, my everybody was back in Melbourne.
我仍然在珀斯。
I was still in Perth.
我的女朋友不知道该怎么办。
My girlfriend didn't know what to do.
你知道，那种感觉尤其因为我人在珀斯，但感觉好像所有人都回到了正常生活，而我的世界却彻底崩塌了。
You know, like, there was just it just felt and more so because I was in Perth, but it kind of just felt like everybody went back to their normal life and my world was totally upended.
我不记得有多少个晚上，我回到家后没有开灯，只是坐在黑暗中，不知道坐了多久。
I don't know how many nights I got home and didn't turn on a light and was probably just sitting somewhere in the dark for I don't know how long.
这只是一个过程。
And it was just a process.
每天早上，我醒来都会对自己说：起床吧。
Every morning, I'd wake up and I'd say, get out of bed.
你就是得起床。
You just gotta get out of bed.
然后你就得去洗澡。
And then you just need to get into the shower.
这就像一步一个脚印。
And it was like one step by one step.
然后我记得那种恐惧开始袭来。
And then I remember this fear setting in.
我可能当时放任了这种情绪。
I was probably I probably indulged it.
我放任这种悲痛整整一个月，从不接电话，就坐在黑暗里，那种非常典型的、深沉的哀伤。
Indulged that grief to its full extent for about a month where I just never answered the phone, you know, sat in the dark, kind of that really predictable kind of deep grief.
然后我记得突然有那么一刻感到害怕，心想：糟了。
And then I remember just having this moment of fear, and I thought, shit.
我三十岁了，这个时刻将定义我余生的一切。
I'm 30, and this moment is gonna define me for the rest of my life.
这个想法让我恐惧至极。
And I was petrified by that thought.
我害怕这会成为我永远的故事。
Like, I was petrified by that being my story forever.
就在那一刻，我想：我要感受这一切，我要彻底体验每一分痛苦，这样我才能穿越它，重新变得正常——无论现在‘正常’意味着什么。
And then in that moment, thought, I am going to feel this, and I'm gonna feel every bit of this so that I can come out the other side and be somewhat normal, whatever that means now.
但我不能让这个时刻定义我。
But I can't I can't have this define me.
我不能让我的整个人生故事变成：你三十岁时，丈夫在结婚三四个月后去世了。
I can't have my entire life story be your husband died when you were 30 after three months, four months
婚后。
of marriage.
在接下来的十二个月里，苏西努力修复着自己的头脑和心灵。
Over the next twelve months, Susie worked hard at mending her head and her heart.
她搬回墨尔本，试图逃离那些无处不在的关于托德的提醒和回忆，但感觉就是不对劲。
She moved back to Melbourne to escape the constant reminders and memories of Todd, but things just didn't feel right.
我本希望回到墨尔本能给我一个全新的开始。
I had hoped that coming back to Melbourne would give me a new start.
但实际上，我回来后，
And, actually, I came back and
我只是觉得我已经不再属于这里了。
I just felt like I didn't fit in anymore.
我觉得我抛下了托德，抛弃了他生命中的一切，跑回墨尔本，可一切都变得陌生了。
And I felt like I'd left Todd and abandoned everything that was his life to come back to Melbourne, and nothing looked familiar anymore.
就在那时，苏西找到了一位新的心理咨询师。
It was at that point Susie found a new counselor.
于是我开始频繁地去看心理咨询师。
So I started seeing a counselor really frequently.
我努力地去处理这段关系。
I worked really hard to process the relationship.
我真的很害怕，再也找不到人能像托德那样了。
I was really afraid that I would never that no one would ever live up to Todd again.
所以我特别留意，我想记住托德，记住托德的点点滴滴。
And so I I was really conscious that I wanted to remember Todd, but every bit of Todd.
包括那些糟糕的部分。
So the shit stuff as well.
我认为说她可能救了我的命并不夸张。
I don't think it's dramatic to say she probably saved my life.
她说：‘那么，描述一下你现在的情况吧。’
And she said, well, describe to me where you're at.
我说：‘我不再认识自己身处何地了，感觉就像发生了一场巨大的爆炸，到处都是废墟，我被埋到肩膀，动弹不得。’
And I said, I I don't recognize where I am anymore, and it feels like there's been a massive explosion, and there's just rubble everywhere, and I'm up to my shoulders, and I can't move.
我的腿动不了。
I can't move my legs.
我的胳膊也动不了。
I can't move my arms.
周围没有人可以呼救。
There's nobody around that I can call out to for help.
我记得她对我说：好吧，我们每周都移走一些废墟，把你从那里救出来。
And I remember her saying to me, okay, well, week by week, we're just gonna move some of that rubble, and we're gonna get you out of there.
她非常了不起，该严厉的时候就严厉，但不断提醒我要善待自己，因为我非常渴望变得更好，非常渴望开始向前迈进，但内心却始终充满动荡——你知道，我感觉很好。
And she was just she was amazing and hard on me when she needed to be hard on me, but was constantly reminding myself to be kind to myself because I so desperately wanted to be better and I so desperately wanted to kind of start to move forwards, but it's this constant turmoil of, you know, I'm feeling good.
我感觉很好。
I'm feeling good.
那真的很滑稽。
That was really funny.
该死。
Oh, shit.
我丈夫去世了。
My husband's dead.
这不好笑。
That's not funny.
这种事根本不值得笑，你为什么在笑？
Nothing like that shouldn't be why are you laughing?
你知道，那种挣扎持续了大约一年半，我总感觉有些日子，悲伤并不是我首先想到的事。
You know, it was that that constant struggle for probably a year and a half of feeling like, you know, recognizing that there's days that it's not the first thing that you think of.
它变成了第三或第四位的想法，但不再是首要的。
It's the third or the fourth, but it's not the first thing.
我为此感到非常有力量，但紧接着又感到内疚
And feeling really empowered by that and then feeling really guilty
关于这种内疚。
about that.
托德去世十八个月后，苏西的悲痛并未结束，但开始以不同的方式显现，尤其是因为还有更糟糕的消息需要面对。
Eighteen months after Todd's death, Susie's grief didn't end, but it began to manifest in different ways, especially given there was more devastating news to process.
在那一年半之后
After that year and
我有点失控了。
a half, I kind of went off the rails.
托德去世三个月后，我父亲被诊断出患有黑色素瘤，医生说他只剩三个月寿命。
So three months after Todd passed away, my dad was diagnosed with melanoma cancer and given three months to live.
我当时想，我今年可能会失去父亲和丈夫。
So I was thinking, I'm gonna lose my dad and my husband in the same year.
幸运的是，我们又和父亲多待了两年，但那一年半里，我承受着对托德的悲痛、对即将失去父亲的强烈恐惧，而且我不敢相信自己还能再经历一次失去亲人的痛苦还能活下来。
Luckily, we ended up getting another two years with dad, but I think for that year and a half, it was the grief of Todd, the the palpable fear of having to grieve my dad and not thinking that I can grieve somebody again come at and come out of it alive.
你知道，人们常说改变的几个阶段，比如愤怒、否认，然后是接受，等等。
You know, they talk about those stages of change and, you know, there's anger and rejection and then acceptance and whatever they are.
我确实从悲痛阶段过渡到了愤怒阶段。
And I definitely transitioned from a point of, like, grief into a point of anger.
我只是觉得，你凭什么离开我？
And I just felt like, fuck you for leaving.
你甚至都没撑到让我去医院见你最后一面，让我和你道别。
You didn't even hang on long enough for me to see you in the hospital, for me to say goodbye.
现在，所有这些烂摊子都留给我一个人来处理。
And now I've been left to deal with all of this shit.
我爸爸病了。
My dad's sick.
在我面对这一切的时候，你却不在身边。
I haven't got you to be by my side while I deal with this.
所以我当时非常愤怒。
So I was just really angry.
我经常出去走走。
And I just went out a lot.
我出国了，想花多少钱就花多少钱。
I went overseas and just spent money on whatever I wanted to spend money on.
我对未来完全毫不在意。
There was just absolutely no regard for anything in the future.
那段时间，我几乎想把所有事情都做完。
It was almost like I was just gonna do everything across this period of time.
我根本不在乎未来会怎样，因为我对未来根本没什么希望。
I actually didn't give a shit what was coming in the future because I actually didn't have a lot of hope for what was coming in the future.
你知道吗，我觉得自己人生中最闪耀的时刻已经过去了，现在我只是在熬日子，盼着早点死去，好去和托德团聚。
You know, I felt like almost my moment in the sun had passed, and now I was just surviving to the point where I could die to just be with Todd.
你知道吗，那是我第一次和别人在一起。
You know, I that was the first time I was with somebody else.
我选了最不合适的人，我清楚托德一定会说：‘你到底在干什么？’
I picked the most inappropriate person that I could possibly pick who I knew Todd would be like, what the fuck are you doing?
我借了钱给他。
I loaned him money.
我所有的钱都借给了他，用于他的生意，还签了一份半吊子的合同，指望他能还钱。
Like, whatever money I had, I loaned it to him for his business with a kind of half baked contract to have it paid back.
我做了一切原本的我绝不会做的事，而且每一件事都是故意想惹托德生气。
I just did everything that my original self would never have done, and all of it with a conscious thought that it would really piss Todd off.
但托德并没有生气。
But Todd wasn't pissed off.
没有。
No.
并不是因为他不再在了。
Not because he wasn't there anymore.
她知道他已经不在了。
She knew he wasn't.
你看，苏西的朋友凯特收到了她朋友克里斯的一通有趣的电话，而克里斯恰好是一位通灵者。
You see, Susie's friend Kate had received an interesting call from her friend Chris, who happened to be a medium.
凯特突然给我打了个电话。
Kate called me out of
毫无预兆。
the blue.
她跟我说，嘿。
She's like, hey.
克里斯说托德一直来找他，而且他有个消息要给你。
Chris has said that Todd has been coming to him, and he has a message for you.
他不想给你打电话，因为他知道你可能已经到了不想再接受这种消息的阶段，你准备好向前看了。
And he didn't wanna call you because he knows that you might be at a point where you don't want it you're ready to move on.
但如果你希望听到他的消息，他很高兴见到你。
But if you're interested in hearing from him, he he's happy to see you.
所以当然。
So of course.
我说，当然。
I said, of course.
所以那个周末他出现了，你知道，他就像说：托德，冷静点。
So he came around that weekend and, you know, he was like, Todd, calm down.
他就像一只兴奋的小狗，这非常托德。
It's like he's like an excited puppy, which was very Todd.
就像托德会到处跑动一样。
Like, Todd would be, like, up and about.
他们说：嘿。
They're like, oh, hey.
嘿。
Hey.
而且对事情会特别兴奋。
And get really excited about things.
他就像说：伙计，你得冷静点。
He's like, mate, you need to calm down.
我搞不懂你到底想表达什么。
I can't understand what you're, like, what you're trying to communicate.
他就是能量特别高，很难弄清楚他到底想表达什么。
He's like, it's just this really high energy, and it's hard to decipher what he's wanting to communicate.
然后他说了几句话。
So then he said a few things.
我为你感到骄傲。
I'm really proud of you.
blah blah blah。
Blah blah blah.
你做到了。
You've done this.
你做到了那件事。
You've done that.
他说，哦，他并没有具体说明指的是什么，但他是在说你不必感到内疚。
And he said, oh, he's not saying specifically what he's referring to, but he's saying you're not to feel guilty.
他没有告诉我具体是什么，但他是在说你不必感到内疚。
He's not telling me about what, but he's saying you're not to feel guilty.
然后他告诉我，他已经不再和我沟通了，但他的能量依然很高。
So then he said to me, he stopped communicating with me, but his energy is still quite high.
他说这就像手机的电量，当人结束时，你能看到电量在下降。
He said it's almost like a battery on a phone, and you can see it going down when they're finished.
他的能量水平很高，所以他说，我觉得他可能会再待一会儿，但他已经不再和我传递任何信息了。
His levels are quite high, so he said, I feel like he's just gonna probably stay around for a little while, but he's not communicating anything with me anymore.
于是他离开了，我当时在伊尔伍德的公寓里，感觉非常不舒服。
So he left, and I was in my apartment in Elwood, and I felt really uncomfortable.
我感觉好像身上压着沉重的负担。
I felt almost like this heavy weight on me.
我感到非常不舒服。
I felt really uncomfortable.
于是我抓起钥匙和包，走出公寓，下到地下室去开车。
So I grabbed my keys and my bag, and I walked out of the apartment, and I went down into the basement to get into my car.
我上了车，开车上坡，等着大门打开。
Got into my car and was driving it up the ramp to go out and was waiting for the gate to open.
我往旁边一看，几乎能看见他坐在副驾驶座上，脸上带着一丝冷笑，手臂悠闲地搭在窗框上。
And I looked over and I could almost see him sitting in the passenger seat and he had this kind of like this smirk on his face, and he had his, like, elbow cocked up.
他仿佛在说：‘我们要去哪儿啊？’
And it was almost like he was saying, oh, where are we going?
你以为我不跟你走吗？你以为你能甩掉我？
Like, you think that I'm not gonna come with you out of the like, you think you're gonna shake me?
我感受到一种无比美好的感觉，开车转了大约半小时，然后那种感觉就消失了。
And I just was just such a beautiful feeling, and I drove around for about half an hour, and then it just went.
我掉头开车回家了。
And I just turned around and I drove home.
那是我唯一一次真正感受到他的存在，几乎能完整地想象出他坐在那里，
And that was the only time that I've physically felt him and almost could visualize him in his entirety just sitting there in
在我旁边的乘客座位上，那感觉简直不可思议。
the passenger seat next to me, and it was just it was incredible.
带着重新获得的平静与目标感，苏西开始扭转局面。
With a renewed sense of peace and purpose, Susie started to turn a corner.
我知道爸爸会发生什么，我知道我想陪在他身边，想陪在我家人身边。
I knew what was gonna happen with dad, and I knew that I wanted to be there for him, and I wanted to be there for my family.
我很害怕。
And I was scared.
你知道，我真的很害怕，那是一个我必须静下心来反思、弄清楚什么才是重要的、并思考我需要做些什么来让自己度过下一阶段的时刻，而我当时觉得，我大概只有50%的几率能比爸爸活得更久。
You know, I was really scared that actually, like, was just it was it was a moment where I just had to reflect and work out what was important and work out what I needed to do to equip myself to get through this next stage, which I would I I think I would have said at that point, I like, there is a 50% chance that I won't be around for much longer than dad.
如果爸爸的离世把我拖入了和托德离世时一样的深渊，我不会再从那里爬出来。
Like, if I if if dad's death takes me into the hole that Todd's death took me, I won't come out of that a second time.
那太深了，也太黑暗了。
It's too deep and it's too dark.
所以，是的，我觉得这让我重新理清了方向。
So, yeah, I think that just kinda straightened me out.
夫妻、分分合合的暧昧关系、姐妹、母女，等等。
Husbands and wives, on again, off again situationships, sisters, mothers and daughters, and more.
这就是为什么我们战斗——《妈妈咪呀》治疗播客现已推出八期节目，探讨最棘手也最常见的关系困境。
This is why we fight Mamma Mia's therapy podcast has eight episodes out now that explore the trickiest and the most common relationship struggles.
由我，临床心理治疗师莎拉·贝斯主持。
Hosted by me, clinical psychotherapist Sarah Baes.
《这就是为什么我们战斗》带你聆听真实的人面对真实问题，接受真实的治疗。
This is Why We Fight brings you real people with real problems getting real therapy.
现已在所有主流播客平台上线。
Out now wherever you get your podcasts.
我觉得我只是开始以更健康的方式去面对了。
I think it was just starting to have a healthier approach.
你知道，我不得不重新鼓起勇气去约会，我真的去做了。我觉得那是在一个完全不同的世界里，突然间有了在线约会，这其实有好处，因为你可以在不真正和任何人交谈的情况下，慢慢重新踏入感情的世界。
You know, I had to, I took the leap with dating again and I did it, I think I did that in like, it was a different world, Suddenly you've got online dating and so you can kind of, it's good in a way because you can start to put your foot back in the water without actually having to have a conversation with anybody.
这让我很容易就重新开始了。
It was a really easy way back in.
在接下来的几年里，我有过一些非常美好的关系，持续时间大约六个月左右。
I had some really lovely relationships, know, anywhere up to kind of six months over the following years.
我学会了重新感受，重新投入到一段关系中，并且意识到我不会把这种悲痛带入未来的感情中，这曾经是我一直害怕的。
Learnt that I could feel again and that I could commit to a relationship again and I guess realised that I wasn't going to carry that grief into my future relationships, which had been a fear for me.
托德和我一直在尝试要孩子，所以在结婚前六个月，我们开始积极备孕，但显然这对我们来说没有成功，但在我的心里，我当时就是这么想的。
Todd and I had been trying to have kids so six months before we got married we actively started trying to have kids and obviously that didn't happen for us but in my mind that's where I was at.
你知道吗？
You know?
那就是我人生中准备迎接的东西。
Like, that's what I was ready for in my life.
那就是
That's what
我以为我正在为此做准备。
I thought I was preparing for.
问题是，找到符合苏西标准的人相当困难。
The thing was finding someone who fit Suzy's criteria was proving pretty difficult.
我当时几乎是把它当作一种……
Like, I was almost approaching it as if it was a bit
有点像一项商业投资。
of a, you know, business venture.
一开始，我就立刻开始筛选他们，比如年龄、经济安全感、情感安全感，他们是否准备好要孩子，是否已经有孩子了。我觉得可能有很多很好的男生我约会过，但因为我感觉他们不会成为我孩子的父亲，我就把他们甩了。
Immediately, it was like the scan the scan of them, like age, you know, security in terms of, you know, financial security, emotional security, are they ready to have children, do they already have children, and I just feel like there were probably a number of really lovely guys that I dated who I just got rid of because I didn't feel like they were going to be the father of my child.
但其实，那时候可能根本没有人能符合标准，因为我的想象和愿景都是和托德在一起时的样子。
When really, I don't think anybody at that point would have fit the bill because I think what my what my image and what my vision of that was had been with Todd.
但最终，对我来说，要孩子这件事变得比谈恋爱更重要了，于是我决定独自生孩子，因为当时我的想法是：我不相信我会孤独终老。
But ultimately, for me, I got to the point where the child thing became bigger than the dating thing and so I made a decision to have a baby by myself because that for me at that time my rationale was I don't I don't believe I'm going to die alone.
我觉得我会遇到一个人，也会和某个人拥有美好的关系，但我就是没有信心，这种事能在我想生孩子之前发生。
I think that I will meet somebody and I think that I will end up having a great relationship with somebody, but I just didn't have faith that that would happen for me in time to have a baby.
而这对我来说很重要。
And that was important to me.
如果我没有孩子，我就看不到自己的人生目标。
I just couldn't see what my purpose was if I didn't have a baby.
对我来说，这就是驱动力。
Was just for me, that was driving force.
我一直以为自己会成为一个妈妈。
I always thought that I was going to be a mom.
所以，是的。
And so I yeah.
因此，这在2015年成了我的重点。
So that kinda became the focus in 2015.
我做了这个决定，于是暂时放下了约会，以便实现它。
I made that decision, so I kind of stepped away from dating for a little while in order to make that happen.
经过深思熟虑，并在家人和朋友的全力支持下，苏西决定尝试试管婴儿。
So after careful consideration and with the full support of her family and friends, Susie made the decision to try IVF.
我运气很好，第一次挑选的匿名捐精者和移植的胚胎就成功了，于是小泰迪就来了。
I just got lucky the first picked my anonymous donor and first embryo that we transferred took and a little teddy came about.
这很情绪化，因为我觉得在那些时刻，你会明显意识到自己是在独自面对，而这并不是应有的样子。
It was emotional because I think in those moments it becomes really obvious that you're doing it alone and it's not the way it's meant to be.
但我认为我早已在心里接受了这一点，而且我觉得这种处境反而给了我力量。
But I think I had already reconciled that in my head and I think I was empowered by the situation.
我有点那种虚假的掌控感，觉得自己能做到这一切。
I kind of, you know, this false sense of power like you can do this.
你知道，每当我要告诉别人时，我总会有点惊讶，但我其实挺喜欢这种感觉的。
You know, this is, and I remember every time I'd tell somebody and I'd kind of be a bit surprised by it, I kind of liked that.
我想，是的，我正在打破常规，那就这么做吧。
I was like, yeah, you know, I'm just breaking the mold, let's do this.
我觉得之前发生过太多事情，而我完全无法掌控。
And I felt like there had been so much that had happened that I had been totally not in control of.
而这一刻，是我重新夺回控制权的时刻。
And this was a moment that I was taking control back.
我并没有选择失去托德。
I didn't choose to lose Todd.
在理想的世界里，我会和他一起做这件事，但宇宙决定这不是我的旅程，而我可以掌控这一点。
In an ideal world, I would be doing this with him, but the universe decided that wasn't my journey and I can control this.
我正在向宇宙宣告，这一部分是我的旅程，它将会以这种方式展开。
And I'm dictating to the universe that this part is my journey and this is how it's going to look.
因此，我觉得这真的很有力量。
And so I found that really empowering.
在最近这些年，或者说过去的十年里，生活偏离了我原本设想的方向，有时我感到彻底迷失，以为再也找不到那条路了；但事实上，我现在意识到，那正是我必须走的路，才能抵达如今的境地——成为TED的母亲。
In these recent years or, you know, in the last ten years, life has taken such an incredible deviation from where I thought it would go and at times I felt utterly lost and like I would never find that path again But actually now I realise that was the path I always had to walk to get to where I am now, where I need to be and that's to be a mum to TED.
所以现在，我不瞒你说，确实有些时刻我会想：天啊，为什么这一切都要发生在我身上？
And so it is just really now, and I'm not going to lie and say that there's not moments where I think, fuck, why did that all have to happen to me?
我无比希望托德还能在这里。
I wish beyond anything that Todd could still be here.
但我同时也心怀感激，我想我 simply 对这个过程抱有信念。
But I also just feel grateful and I guess I just have faith in the process.
我现在有一个三岁半的孩子，他有着纯粹而美好的灵魂，而我以一种我相信托德会感到无比骄傲的方式抚养着他。
I'm at a point now where I have a three and a half year old who's just, you know, who's his absolute beautiful spirit, who I'm raising in a way that I think Todd would be really proud of.
所以我觉得托德仍然以一种非常自然的方式存在于我们的生活中。
And so I feel like Todd is still in our lives in a really organic way.
至于寻找那个特别的人来共度余生，苏西当然没有排除这种可能性。
And as for finding that special adult someone to share her life with, well, Susie certainly hasn't ruled it out.
是的。
Yeah.
所以我对爱情真的很乐观。
So I'm really optimistic about love.
我认为我很现实，在
I think I'm realistic that at
目前，我有一个三岁半的孩子，他很缠人，而且我非常保护我们的时间。
the moment, I have a three and a half year old who is a handful, and I'm really protective of our time.
所以我觉得在我人生的这个阶段，能遇到一个有耐心和我约会的人会非常了不起，因为我现在并不是很有空，但我对此很坦然。
So I think it will be a pretty incredible person at this point in my life who has the patience to date me because I'm not overly available at the moment, and I'm okay with that.
而且我认为，归根结底，我为自己和他所希望的，是让一个人重新回到我的生活中，我希望他能有一个……你知道，一个男性榜样在他的生活中，让他可以仰望，并且有任何不想来找我的事情都可以去找他——虽然按理说应该没有这种事。
And I think, ultimately, what I want for me and what I want for him is to have somebody back in my life, and I want him to have some, you know, a a male person in his life that he can look up to and and go to for anything he doesn't wanna come to me, which should be nothing.
所以，是的，我从未害怕过会孤独终老。
So, yeah, I like I've never been afraid of ending up alone.
我只是觉得那不会是我的人生轨迹。
I just don't think that's going to be my journey.
在堪称人生中最创伤的经历之一中，托德去世十年后，苏西对帮助她度过难关的因素的反思充满了智慧与脆弱。
In what can only be described as one of the most traumatic experiences anyone can ever experience, ten years after Todd's death, Susie's reflection on what helped her through is filled with wisdom and vulnerability.
最重要的是时间。
The biggest thing is time.
我知道人们每次有人去世时都会说，只有时间能治愈一切。
And people I know people say it every time somebody dies, they're like, only time heals.
但这句话真的没错。
It's so true though.
我认为当我意识到自己从对托德的极度悲伤转变为对托德的深深感激时，我才真正明白了这一点。
And I think I only realized that when I had when I realized that I had transitioned from feeling really sad about Todd to feeling really grateful for Todd.
而促成这种转变的唯一因素，就是时间。
And the only thing that enabled that transition was time.
在我人生的这个阶段，我已经在心里接受了托德注定会在36岁去世的事实。
At this point in my life, I've reconciled in my head that Todd was always gonna pass away at 36.
如果这本就是注定的，那么他去世的方式就是我能接受的方式，因为我觉得他并没有经历任何痛苦。
If that was always gonna be the case, then the way it happened was the way I'm I'm I'm okay with the way it happened because I don't think that there would have been any suffering.
是的，毫无疑问，我受到了伤害。
Yeah, I mean, no doubt I'm damaged.
毫无疑问。
No doubt.
我不是说，十年过去了，我就已经完全处理好了这一切，变得健康、积极向前了。
I'm not saying that I've come out here and it's ten years down the track and I've processed it and I'm, you know, healthy and I'm moving forward.
他的离世确实让我深受创伤，我将永远因此而改变。
I'm absolutely damaged by his passing and I will forever be changed by it.
当然，我现在心里筑起了一道墙，这可能是以前没有的，但我只是努力诚实地面对它。
You know, there's definitely a wall up that probably wasn't there before, but I just try to be really honest with that.
我并不把这一切归咎于托德。
I don't blame that on Todd.
我不把这归咎于那些境况。
I don't blame that on those circumstances.
当每一天都感觉漫长得像永恒时，这很难，但时间就是如此。
And that's hard when every day feels like it lasts an eternity, but it's time.
总有一天，你会回望，觉得自己有点像站在悬崖边上。
And one day, you'll look back and you'll think, I'm, like, I'm a bit of a ledge.
就像，我挺过来了。
Like, I've come through this.
而且，你知道，这让人感到强大，因为如果我能应对这一切，能活下来，并对生活保持健康积极的态度，那我就觉得现在没有什么是我无法应对的。
And, you know, and it's empowering because if I can deal with that and I can survive that and I can have a, like, a healthy positive outlook on life, then I feel like there's not much that I can't deal with now.
所以，我想这就是黑暗中的一线光明。
So, you know, I guess that's the silver lining.
《每个人都有前任》由我，佐治亚·洛，撰写并旁白，琳达·斯科特制作，马特·索福编辑。
Everyone Has an Ex is written and narrated by me, Georgia Lowe, produced by Linda Scott and edited by Matt Soffo.
我们将在第二季再见。
We will be back for season two.
如果你有故事想和我们分享，请发送至 everyonehasanx@mintymedia.com.au。
So if you've got a story for us, send it to us at everyonehasanx@mintymedia.com.au.
邮箱是 m I n t y media 点 com 点 a u，关注我们的 Instagram 账号 @everyonehasanx。
That's m I n t y media dot com dot a u, and follow us on Instagram at at everyone has an x.
感谢收听。
Thank you for listening.
如果你喜欢第一季，请别忘了订阅、给我们五星评价并留下反馈。
If you've loved season one, don't forget to subscribe, give us five stars, and leave us some feedback.
我保证我们会阅读每一条留言。
I promise we read every single one.
你好。
Hi.
我是凯特·兰布鲁克。
It's Kate Langbrooke here.
我们将在‘无滤镜夏日’系列中为你呈现今年我最喜爱的四段对话。
We're bringing you four of my favorite conversations of the year for our no filter summer series.
在这些节目中，您将听到我们邀请过的最知名、最引人入胜的讲述者的声音。
And across these episodes, you will hear from some of the biggest names and most captivating storytellers we've welcomed into the studio.
这些嘉宾会坐下来，敞开心扉，提醒你为什么真诚的对话如此重要。
The kinds of guests who sit down, open up, and remind you why real conversation matters.
前往您最爱的播客应用中的《NoFilter》，准备好您的夏日聆听清单。
Head to NoFilter on your favorite podcast app to get your summer listening sorted.
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