与玉狐的毒性关系

嘿，大家好。欢迎回到《Made It Out》节目。今天，我邀请到内容创作者Jade Fox，我们将聊聊她在心理健康问题和家庭暴力影响下的感情经历，以及她如何走出阴影、克服困境并重新找到爱情。大家都知道，我一直都在寻找完美内衣的路上。而Tomboy X虽然是最知名的酷儿品牌之一，其实只是一支20人组成的地下团队。

Hey, y'all. Welcome back to Made It Out. Today, I'm here with content creator, Jade Fox, and we're talking about her experience in a relationship affected by mental health and domestic violence and how she got out of that and has overcome it and found love again. As you all know, I am always on a journey to find my perfect underwear. And Tomboy X, even though they're one of the biggest queer brands, they are still just 20 people in a basement.

他们由酷儿运营、酷儿创立、酷儿设计，生产泳装、文胸、内衣等应有尽有。提供12种版型剪裁和3种面料选择，确保你获得理想的贴合度与支撑力。Anne S评价说Tomboy X比她的父母更靠谱，快去tomboyx.com看看吧，使用优惠码madeit15可享85折优惠，记得告诉他们是madeitout推荐你的。约会软件疲劳是真实存在的，无意识的滑动和毫无意义的私信会让我们倍感疏离。当大多数软件都在教人如何追求他人时，有个平台专门为你留出了探索自我的空间。

They're queer run, queer founded, queer designed, and they make swimwear, bras, underwear, all of it you name it. They have 12 different silhouettes in three different types of fabrics for the perfect fit and the perfect support that you want. Anne S reviewed and said Tomboy X is more supportive than her parents so check them out head over to tomboyx.com and use promo code made it 15 for 15% off of your purchase and tell them madeitout sent you. Dating app fatigue is a very real thing. Mindless swiping and meaningless dms can make us all feel way more disconnected and while most dating apps are about pursuing someone else there's one that's carved out space for you to find yourself.

在FEELD平台上，你可以自由探索所有欲望。提供20多种性取向和性别身份选项，让你以从未想象过的方式发现真正的自己。62%的用户在加入第一年内就拓展了性取向、兴趣爱好和欲望边界。立即下载FEELD应用。

On field, you have the breathing room to explore all of your desires. You have so many options with 20 plus sexuality and gender identities to choose from. You have the freedom to explore who you are and what you like in ways that you've never even imagined. Sixty two percent of field members evolve their sexuality, interests, and desires within the very first year. Download FEEL today.

在App Store或Google Play搜索FEELD（F-E-E-L-D）。好的，非常感谢你的到来。我们刚和Mindy聊完，我的宝贝。

That's f e e l d on the App Store or on Google Play. Okay. Thank you so much for being here. We just had Mindy here. My boo.

一次精彩的对话，等不及要和你聊聊了。嗯。我们要讨论的话题有点沉重。好的。

An amazing conversation. I can't wait to talk to you. Mhmm. We are talking about something a little bit heavier. Okay.

我们将探讨家庭暴力、心理健康与婚恋关系。这个话题是你提出的，所以我想知道是什么经历让你想讨论这个？

We're gonna talk about domestic violence and mental health and dating. And you proposed this topic. So I kinda wanna know what what's your story that led you to wanna talk about this?

好的。首先我要声明，我会用比较轻松的语气来谈这个话题。我觉得我有这个资格。懂我意思吧？

Yeah. So let me just start off by saying, I'm gonna speak with a lot of levity in this conversation. And I feel like I've earned it. Okay. You know?

因为，你知道，我已经经历过了。是的。更重要的是，它已经影响了我。到现在我已经深陷其中。但没错，我曾处于那种泰勒·佩里电影级别的、极度疯狂、情感操控的状态——虽然我不喜欢用‘疯狂’这个词，因为觉得这个词会让事情显得不那么真实、不那么具体。

Because, you know, I've I've been through it. Yep. More importantly, it's been through me. And I've been under it at this point. But, yeah, I was in a Tyler Perry productions like level, wild, emotionally manipulative, really like I don't like to use the word crazy because I feel like the word crazy makes it feel less like real, less grounded.

但那确实很创伤。非常创伤。自从那段关系后，我就能从别人和他们的人际关系中察觉到细微迹象。我意识到：这太普遍了。天啊。

But it was really traumatic. It was really traumatic. And ever since that relationship, I've just been able to like pick up on little things and other people and in their relationships too. And I'm like, this is so common. Wow.

你知道，这非常普遍。比如有人经历过家庭暴力，有人曾处于情感操控的关系中。这世上有太多心灵破碎的人。虽然我并非在合理化这些行为，但对我来说是可以理解的。

You know, like this is very common. Like someone having been in a domestic violent relationship, someone had been in a relationship where they were emotionally manipulated. There's a lot of broken people on the planet. And, you know, it it it makes sense to me. I'm not condoning it.

我能理解是因为我们每天都带着人生中最美好和最糟糕的日子在生活。是的。每个人的处理方式不同，表现方式也不同。所以这对我很重要，因为我觉得我们并未承认这种现象有多普遍。

It makes sense to me because we kinda walk around with our best and worst days of our lives every day. Yeah. And people process it differently. People, you know, it manifests differently in people. And so it's important to me because I just don't think that we acknowledge how common it is.

我们总把这些视为‘那段疯狂的感情经历’然后抛诸脑后，或者当作‘那个重大创伤事件’认为只是孤立个案。但实际上它会表现为糟糕的决策能力，表现为我们无法为自己和伴侣做出最佳选择。是的，这很重要，因为我从不同角度经历过。我和女友有个说法——触发警告：说R开头的词（强奸），人人都是强奸犯。

I think that we tend to regard these things as like these that one really crazy relationship and then it's in the past. Or it's like that one big traumatic thing that happened and then it was like this isolated thing, but it actually like manifests in poor decision making. It can manifest in us not making the best decisions for ourselves, for our partners. And yeah, it's just, it's important to me because I've just experienced different angles of it. Me and my girlfriend, we have this thing that we say, trigger warning about say the r word, everyone's a rapist.

每当我们了解到某人——通常是名人或社区里的人——的某些事时就会这么说。比如发现某人是个变态，或对他人做过极其恶劣的事。我们说这个是为了提醒自己这种现象有多普遍。人人都是强奸犯。性侵很普遍。这类关系太常见了。

Because any or we say that to our say that to each other anytime that we learn something about, usually a celebrity or just like someone who's known or even in community, it's like, we'll learn something about someone and it's like, they're a predator of some kind, or like they just like are really fucked up or just do really crazy things to people. And I think we say that to like remind ourselves how common it is. Like everyone's a rapist. Like everyone like sexual assault is common. These types of relationships are very common.

而当你给这些加上酷儿语境时，人们就不当回事了。虽然我很喜欢女同性恋关系的刻板印象——那种梦幻般的恋爱：'宝贝我要给你放洗澡水，接下来三小时让你高潮34次，再做个三明治'，我们如此相爱，畅谈心声——但我认为这种套路反而阻碍了人们谈论真实经历。对我来说，坦白这些是令人难堪的。

And I think when you add a queer context to it, people don't people don't take it seriously. And I think that people also okay. As much as I love the lesbian stereotype around, you know, this very, like, dreamlike type relationship where it's like, oh, babe, I'm gonna run you a bath, and I'm gonna make you cum 34 times in the next, you know, three hours, and I'm gonna make you a sandwich. And we're just so in love, and we talk about our feelings. Like, I think that that trope can deter people from actually talking about their experiences because I think that for me, it's embarrassing.

这太尴尬了。就像，我不但得挨揍，还得告诉你们我挨揍了。我真的不想这样，你懂吗？或者，你不想谈论自己选择的这段感情，不想面对其中的现实，尤其是当这件事，你知道，人们可能根本没有足够的理解力、耐心，甚至找不到合适的语言来和你沟通。懂我意思吗？我觉得我们越讨论这个，就越明白谈论沉重话题不止一种方式——我可以用脏话来说。

It's embarrassing. It's like, not only did I have to like get beat up, I gotta tell y'all I got beat up. Like, I don't wanna do that, you know, or, you know, you don't wanna talk about your relationship that you chose to be in, you know, and talk about the reality of it, especially when it's something that, you know, people don't really have the the the bandwidth or the patience or maybe the language to, like, have with you. You know? And I think that the more we talk about it, and there's more than just one way to talk about serious shit I can cuss.

没错。好吧，我刚被问到。我认为谈论严肃话题的方式不止一种，不一定非得像布芮尼·布朗那样。

Yes. Okay. I just got asked. I think that there's more than one way to talk about serious stuff. It doesn't have to be like Brene Brown.

布芮尼？对。布芮尼？是的。布芮尼。

Brene? Yeah. Brene? Yes. Brene.

是读布芮尼还是布芮尼？布芮尼。对吧？布芮尼·布朗。这名字一听就是白人女士。

Is it Brene or Brene? Brene. Right? Brene Brown. That's that's a name for a white lady.

你说得太对了。

You're so right.

这名字。知道吗，我妈妈的中间名是雪瑞儿。句号，雪瑞儿。

That's a name. You know, my mom's middle name is Sherelle. Period, Sherelle.

她名字叫什么？

What's her first name?

丹妮丝。丹妮丝。雪瑞儿。后来她改名叫伯奇。现在我们姓格洛温基。

Denise. Denise. Sherelle. And then her name was Birch. Now it's glowinky is our last name.

哇哦。

Woah.

白色来了又绕道。我说，不不。我说，我们会回来。我们把雪瑞儿给了你。我们会回来。

The white came and swerved around. I said, uh-uh. I said, we're coming back. We gave you Sherelle. We're coming back.

我也觉得这很有趣，因为我们天生就倾向于把自己的关系与他人关系作比较，或者与自己过去的关系作比较。

I also think that it's interesting because we have this like natural inclination to compare our relationship to other people's relationship or our own relationship to like past relationships.

是啊。

Yeah.

所以我觉得当你经历过这种关系后...嗯...有时反而更容易陷入另一段可能并不健康的关系，只因为它比你经历过的糟糕情况要好些。对，就会觉得'哦好吧这算健康'或者'这就是健康的样子'。

So I think that when you've been in something like this Mhmm. Then it makes you sometimes even more prone to like get into another relationship that maybe isn't the healthiest, but because it's healthier than the bad shit that you've had. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, this is healthy or this is what it looks like.

没错。就像如果我在地狱里，你给我地上的泥土，因为...我们懂你。我们和你在一起。好吧。好吧。

Right. It's like if I'm in hell, you know, and you give me dirt on the ground because that's We're about I got you. We're here with you. Okay. Okay.

然后就像，是的，我会觉得这太棒了。没错。你懂吗？而且我觉得这种情况经常发生，确实很常见。

Then like, yeah, I'm gonna be like, this is great. Yes. You know? And I think that that does happen a lot. I think that happens a lot.

就像，人们结束一段关系后，遇到一个不错的人。然后他们就，好吧，我们结婚了。是的。那现在怎么办？

Like, people get out of these relationships, and then they meet one nice person. And they're like, well, we're married. Yes. So now what?

是的。

Yes.

我认为还有一种相反的情况可能发生，就是你变得，比如，六英尺警戒线那种。完全封闭。离我远点。别跟我说话。然后你某种程度上过度矫正了自己的边界，而不是从这段经历中吸取教训，学会如何为自己做出更好的决定，如何保护自己，确保自己不再陷入类似境地。

And I think there's also the the opposite thing that can happen where you are, like, six feet, everybody. So closed off. Get away from me. Don't talk to me. And then you kind of overcorrect your boundaries where it's like, instead of me kind of like being informed by this experience that I had and knowing how to make better decisions for myself, how to protect myself, how to make sure that I'm not in something like that again.

嗯。这几乎像是你...你阻止自己去爱任何人。是的。也阻止别人爱你。哦。你懂吗？

Mhmm. It's almost like you you you prevent yourself present prevent yourself from loving anyone Yeah. And prevent anyone else from loving you too. Oh. You know?

是的。尤其当这是我在友谊中也经历过的，当我跟他们聊这类事情时，往往像是你的第一段恋爱关系。酷儿？对。往往像是第一次或者最重要的那几次。

Yeah. And especially if that's like what I've experienced and in my friendships too, when I talk to them about these types of things is it tends to be like your first relationship. Queer? Yeah. Like, it tends to be like the first one or like the biggest ones.

最长久的那段总是，唉。显然每个人的故事都不同，但这是我发现的一个共同点，因为那是我第一次真正的恋爱关系。

Like the longest one is always like, shit. Like and obviously, you know, everyone's story is different, but that was like one, similarity that I found because that was my like first relationship. Like first real relationship.

呃，好吧。那你刚才想说什么来着？你是...这一切是怎么发生的？这段关系是怎么开始的？

Ugh. Okay. So what were you just coming out? Were you like, how did that all come about? How did the relationship come about?

我跟你实话实说吧。我觉得是极度渴望被需要的感觉，再加上被忽视的经历共同导致的。你知道吗？我遇到了一个被我吸引的人，因为事情并非总是糟糕的。

I'm gonna be so real with you. I think it was a combination of really, really wanting to be desired. And I think it came from just like neglect. You know? Like, I I experienced a person who was attracted to me who because it's never always bad.

对吧？通常刚开始都完全不一样。这个人对我来说曾经很美好，我们有过快乐时光。所以我就想，这有什么不好呢？

Right? Yeah. Usually, starts off very differently. You know, this person was a beautiful person to me and we had a good time. And so I was like, of course, like, why wouldn't I want this?

后来事情变得诡异，开始出现些微的操控手段。当我解读这段关系时，感觉像是互相了解的过程——确实如此。但我发现对方是在用可能伤害我的方式了解我。因为现在你掌握我了。没错，想操控一个人时，你掌握的信息越多，双方之间的信任就越... 你就越脆弱。

And then things got weird, little manipulation tactics started to set in. And as I was interpreting the relationship, it's like, we're getting to know each other, which we were. I learned that this person was getting to know me in ways that could be harmful because now you know me. Yep. So when you if you wanna manipulate somebody, the more information you have, the more trust that is between, you know, you and this person, you're just really vulnerable.

完全正确。我甚至没意识到正在发生什么，直到出了大事。你懂吧？

Totally. And I didn't realize that it was even happening until like something big would happen. You know?

你当时...我觉得这很有趣，因为我和初恋女友也有类似经历。嗯。我以前聊过这事，但经过很多反思后，我觉得是因为当时我的酷儿身份认知太脆弱了。我对自己的性取向和这个新世界的信心就像... 像是回到了初中时代。

Where were you I find this interesting because I had a very similar experience with my first girlfriend. Mhmm. And I've talked about it before, but I, like in a lot of reflection, I feel like it's because my queer experience was so fragile at the point. Like my my confidence in my sexuality and in this new Mhmm. World was it was like in middle I was in middle school again.

我不知道如何驾驭这种感受。所以很别扭，有种认知矛盾——因为我当时都25、26岁了。我就想，好吧，我感觉自己像个...你是个女孩。

And I didn't know how to like harness that. And so it was weird. There was like this cognitive dissonance because I was 25, 26. So I'm like, okay, I feel like I'm You're a girl.

我刚

I've just

搬到了，嗯。就像，你知道的，我曾经有一份正经工作。我觉得自己已经搞定了生活。但在这一方面，却完全没有自信。所以这就像，让事情变得非常容易被利用，我觉得，这真的很

moved to yeah. Like, you know, I had had a big girl job. I'm like, I've I've got my life figured out. But then in this one aspect, was so not confident. So it like leaves it really open, I guess, for like exploitation, which is so

像，这个词有点重，

like, that's a strong word,

但感觉就是这样。是的。所以

but that's what it feels like. Yeah. So is

这和你的经历相似吗？当然。好吧。当然。因为有些事情我不知道。

that a similar experience to what you had? For sure. Okay. For sure. Because the thing I don't know.

关于施虐者的事实是，你从来不是他们的第一个受害者。就像你已经经历过这些了，姑娘。你已经学会了一些把戏。是的。所以我学到了很多。

The thing about abusers is like, you're never their first one. It's like you've been around the block, girl. Like you picked up some tricks. Yeah. And so I learned a lot.

她...我讨厌这么说。但她教会了我如何应对。真的。重要的教训。你懂我的意思吗？

She she I hate to say this. She taught me how to strap. She did. Important lessons. You know what I mean?

是的。而且，

Yes. And like,

其中一件礼物。对。一件。就一件。我会给你一件。

one of the gifts. Yes. One. One. I'll give you one.

这是从中产生的好事之一。但就像，是的，这就像你在探索之外体验你的酷儿身份。懂我意思吗？就像我们一起旅行时体验你的酷儿身份。感觉非常成人化，几乎像是被合法化了，明白吗？

One of the one of the good things that came out of that. But like, yeah, it's like you're you're experiencing your queerness outside of discovery. You know what mean? It's like you're experiencing your queerness as like, we're going on trips together. It feels very like adult, know, it's almost like it's legitimized, you know?

是的。这些想法、感受和冲动，在你进入这段关系之前已经存在了很久。所以我认为这也是我们为之辩护的另一个原因。因为就像，哦，你知道，你是我的那个人，或者因为我们一起经历的那些事件，一起度过的那些里程碑，就像，我深陷其中。

Yes. These thoughts and feelings and urges that you've had for however long before you got into this relationship. And so I think that that was another reason why we justify a lot of it. It's because it's like, oh, well, you know, you're my person or like, this is this is a thing. Like, because of these events that we've that we've experienced together, because of these milestones that we've experienced together, it's like, I'm in it.

懂吗？

You know?

他们被捧上了神坛。

They're on a pedestal.

是啊。而且就像任何事情的第一次都没那么深刻。很公平。懂我意思吗？非常公平。

Yeah. And it's just like the first of anything is not that deep. Fair. You know what I mean? Like So fair.

就像，第一次做爱时，感觉就是，还行吧。那只是第一次而已。

Like, your first time having sex, it's like, okay. That that was just the first time.

是啊。现在怎么办？

Yeah. What now?

对。你懂吗？就像对。然后我我不知道。除非我们在讨论黑人获奖，比如奖项之类的。

Right. You know? Like Right. And I I don't know. Like, unless we're talking about black people winning, like, awards.

通常第一次发生某件事时，我觉得我们有点过于看重它了。是的。所以我觉得第一次恋爱也是，你只是太急切了。我觉得你更多是好奇。你也更年轻。

Like, usually the first time that something happens, like, I think that we put a little too much weight into it. Yeah. So I think that first relationship kind of also, you're just so eager. I think you're more curious. You're also younger.

你没有界限。比如，你可能对自己有界限。嗯。但你没有在恋爱关系、浪漫情境中该有的界限。

You don't have boundaries. Like, you may have boundaries around yourself. Mhmm. But you don't have boundaries like what that looks like relationship, in a romantic context.

是啊。就是

Yeah. It's

我觉得我们忘记了关系这个词的本意。它是你的生活、你的感受、你与另一个人互动的过程。

like, I think that we forget that relationship, the word relation. It's your life, your feelings, your process in relation to another person.

是的。

Yes.

所以我觉得，很多新事物都还不到批评的时候。

And so it's like, I think a lot of it is too new to criticize.

哇，没错。说得好。嗯。你知道的，我一直在寻找完美内裤的路上。

Wow. Yeah. That's a good point. Mhmm. As you know, I am always on the journey to find the perfect underwear.

今天的节目由Tomboy X赞助。他们是最大的酷儿品牌之一，但团队仍只有20人在地下室工作，产品线覆盖所有人需求。他们做泳装、文胸、内裤，有12种版型3种面料，并提供'首穿满意'保证——不满意可全额退款。

And today's episode is sponsored by Tomboy X. They are one of the biggest run queer companies but they're still just 20 people in a basement and they have something for everybody. They do swimwear, bras, underwear. There's 12 different silhouettes in three different types of fabric and they have a love it first wear guarantee. So if you don't love it, can send it back for your money back.

Tomboy X还是共益企业（我刚知道这点），这意味着他们环保、负责且运营透明。另外我超爱他们家所有文胸都是无钢圈的。我隆胸多年一直不用穿文胸，重新适应过程很艰难，但Tomboy X完美解决了这个问题。

Tomboy X is also a B Corp, which I didn't know this but now I do. That means that they are environmentally friendly, accountable, and transparent about that. Also, one more thing that I love is that all of the bras are wireless. I had my boobs done for a really long time, so I never had to wear a bra, and it's been a really big adjustment going back to bras. So Tomboy X, perfect.

访问tomboyx.com并使用优惠码madeit15可享85折，告诉他们是madeit推荐的。约会软件疲劳真实存在——无脑滑动、空洞私信都让我们更孤独。当其他软件都在教人追逐他人时，Field这款应用却为你留出了探索自我的空间。

Head over to tomboyx.com and use promo code made it 15 for 15% off of your purchase and tell them made it out sent you. Dating app fatigue is a very real thing. Mindless swiping, meaningless DMs, it can all make us feel so much more disconnected. And while most dating apps are about pursuing someone else, there's actually one that's carved out space for you to find yourself. On field, you have the breathing room to explore all of your desires.

无论是开放式关系、拥抱需求、小任性，还是寻找同好（比如龙与地下城、网球、决策设计），这里都有相应社群。这个无广告的独立平台聚集了好奇、爱玩、开放的人——正是你一直在寻找的群体。若你感到好奇，以下是Field的约会预览：海量选项任君选择。

Think open relationships, cuddling, being a brat, and find communities that share your interest. Think d and d, tennis, design making. Free from ads and completely independent, this is the place that draws curious, playful, and open minded people, the ones that you have been looking for. If you're feeling curious, here's a little preview of what dating is like on field. You have a ton of options.

有超过20种性取向和性别认同可供选择，你可以自由探索真实的自我和喜好，方式超乎想象。此外，62%的社群成员会在第一年发展出新的性兴趣和欲望。下载Feeld应用（拼写为f-e-e-l-d），可在App Store或Google Play获取。你在出柜成为酷儿之前和男性交往过吗？没有。

With 20 plus sexuality and gender identities to choose from, you have the freedom to explore who you are and what you like in ways that you've never even imagined. Also, 62% of field members evolve their sexuality interests and desires within the first year. Download field, that's f e e l d, on the App Store or Google Play. Did you have relationships with men before coming out and being queer? No.

好吧。你看，我有过。所以我有个参照对比，懂我意思吗？我感觉现在这段关系和我当初和男性约会时非常相似。

Okay. See, I did. So I had, like, a a comparison. You know what I mean? And I felt like I found myself in something very similar as to when I was dating men.

正是这种情况唤醒了我，或者说让我有点震惊。那么跟我聊聊这段关系吧，比如它是怎么开始的，你什么时候开始察觉到...嗯...可能不太对劲。

And that's kind of like what woke me up or like shook me a little bit. Yeah. So tell me about like this relationship, like how it started kind of when you started noticing Mhmm. Maybe this isn't right.

是啊。一开始都挺好的。直到我记得我们第一次发生争执——虽然我不记得具体为什么吵，我从来记不住这些争执的起因。

Yeah. Well, everything was cool at first. And it wasn't until I remember the first time we got into like a spat. I don't remember what it was about. I never remember what this spat was about.

就像...重点不是...那句话怎么说来着？重点不是发生了什么，而是它让你感受到什么。哦对。

It's like, it's not it's not about what is it? What is the phrase? It's like, it's not about what happened. It's about how it made you feel. Oh, yeah.

没错，我很认同这句话。

Yeah. I should like that.

你永远记不住别人做了什么，但会记住他们让你产生的感受。就是这样。

You never remember what people do. They you remember what they make you feel. That.

每当试图抓住自我时，你总能做到。而每当我女朋友说什么，或者我们发生争执时，我虽然记不清具体细节、不记得你说过什么或我说过什么、甚至不记得争执的缘由，但我记得当时的感受。

Whenever reaching for a grip on their self. But you got it, though. And whenever my girlfriend says something, she's like or whenever we get into a spat or whatever. I'm like, I remember how I feel, though, even though I don't remember any of the details at all or what you said or what I said or what it was about.

哦，这句话说得真好，对吧？

Oh, that's a good line. Right?

我记得。她从不买账。她知道我在胡扯。但不管怎样，是的，我记得最初那一刻。我甚至不记得发生了什么，但她就是说了句‘好吧’。

I remember. Never buys. She knows I'm bullshitting. But anyway, so, yeah, I remember the first moment. I don't even remember what happened, but she was like, okay.

‘我要去和别人玩了’，我说‘行吧’。她就回‘嗯’。然后他们很帅，我又说‘好吧’。

Well, I'm gonna go hang out with somebody. I was like, okay. And she's like, yeah. And and they're stud. I'm like, okay.

她又说‘是啊’，而且他们特别高还留着脏辫。我回‘行，知道了’。结果她挂掉电话，一小时后打来，听着像误拨。

And she's like, yeah. And they're really tall and have locks. And I'm like, okay. Good to know. And it hangs up the phone, calls me an hour later, and it sounds like a a butt dial.

哦不，但这他妈根本不是误拨！太讨厌了！她在背景音里笑着说什么‘你真可爱’，我就问‘你现在是在耍我吗？’

Oh, no. But it's not a fucking butt dial. Oh, hate this. She's like, like laughing in the background and like, you're so cute. And I'm like, are you playing a trick on me right now?

‘你假装误拨就为了激怒我吗？’因为我们之前电话里为些鸡毛蒜皮的事吵过。后来通话时她说‘嗯，刚和某某出去，就看了电影吃了饭’

Are you fake butt dialing me to get a rise out of me? Because we had a conflict over the phone, over something that was probably not that deep. And then later on, we're on the phone. She was like, yeah, just hung out with so and so. We just went to the movies and had dinner.

我当时就说，所以你们去约会了？嗯哼。然后她说没有。我们只是...我是说，我能感觉到他们喜欢我，可能想亲我。我就觉得，这也太夸张了。

And I was like, so you went on a date? Mhmm. And she's like, no. We just like I mean, I could tell that they liked me and they probably wanted to kiss me. I was like, this is a lot.

太夸张了。我不想这样。所以那是我第一次觉得，这真的过分了。

This is a lot. I don't wanna do this. So that was the first thing where I was like, that was a reach.

这简直是在把心理战正常化。太诡异了。

It's like normalizing psychological warfare. It is so bizarre.

就像你当初设这个局的时候，还觉得这招多少会有效。但就是这类小把戏，我能看出来她是故意要激我反应，或者想让我回心转意什么的。之后没多久事情就升级到肢体冲突了。不知道该怎么说，大概就是肢体冲突吧。

It's like when you when you did this, this this ruse, you thought this was effective in some type of way. But it was like little things like that, that I could tell that she was doing to get a reaction out of me or to get me to like come back to her or whatever. And then things that's soon after that things got physical. I don't know what the word is. Physical, I guess.

她开始动不动就砸东西。经常乱扔东西。我有一段视频。至今还留着，偶尔会翻出来提醒自己——人在局中时根本意识不到有多糟糕。是啊。

She would start throwing stuff all the time. She would throw stuff all the time. I have this video. I still have this video to this day and I'll go back to it to remind myself because when you're in it, you don't realize how bad it is. Yeah.

所以有时我会看那段视频，然后告诫自己：绝对不能再让任何情绪冲昏头脑，觉得这种破事是正常的。但事情就是这样慢慢恶化的，非常缓慢地，暴力程度越来越高，破坏性越来越大。后来甚至蔓延到我们关系之外，波及到我朋友。有次她还闹到我工作的地方。

And so sometimes I'll like go back to that video and I'll be like, I'm I'm never going to be in a heightened state of anything that's gonna make me think that this shit is normal ever again. But yeah, everything just kind of like it very slowly escalated. Very slowly, the things got more violent, bigger, more destructive. Then it started, you know, kind of bleeding outside of our relationship and into, like, my friends. And there was one time she showed up at my job.

真的疯了。还打电话给我爸。不。直接打到我上班的地方。太离谱了。

You know, it was insane. Called my dad No. At my job. It was wild.

我觉得你刚才说的非常重要。这种情况是逐渐形成的。我从未经历过身体虐待的关系，但曾和一个男人在一起，如果继续下去很可能会发展到那一步。他就像会从墙上砸东西下来，嗯。把水龙头扯下来之类的，而且都是在他喝醉的时候，就像人格突然切换了一样。

I feel like that's a really important thing that you just said. It slowly develops over time. I've I have never been in a, a physically abusive relationship, but I have been with a man who was probably if I would have stayed, it would have gotten there. It was like breaking things off of walls Mhmm. Tearing sink faucets out like and it was all when he was drunk and it was like, you know, it's just like the personality would switch.

而且当涉及心理健康问题或酗酒时，你会找借口。你会想，这只是因为他喝醉了，懂吗？然后你就把这事搁置一边，第二天几乎就把这两件事分隔开了。我能想象如果这个人正在与心理健康问题斗争的话。

And so and also it's like when there's mental health involved or when there's alcohol involved you're you make excuses. You're like, it's just because you're drunk, you know? Yeah. And you like tuck it away and then the next day you're like, you almost compartmentalize the two. And I can imagine if this person was struggling with mental health.

是的，可能感觉会是一样的。而且我觉得...

Yeah. It probably could feel the same way. And I feel like

我觉得我是他们的安全港湾。这很奇妙，当你感到安全时，就会彻底释放自己——虽然我为你提供了这种安全感，但双向支持会更好。亲爱的，我很珍惜这点。是的，我认为这就是心理健康部分介入的时刻，就像，好的，我需要被支持或需要去支持别人。对吧。

I feel like I was a safe person for them. And it's so crazy how when you feel like you're safe, you can kinda let let it all hang out, so to speak, even though it's like, if I'm providing you with this sense of safety, like, reciprocity would be great. But love that, babe. But yeah, I think that's where the mental health part came in where it's like, okay, I feel the need to be supported or support supportive. Right.

我觉得我需要确保你有时间和空间倾诉感受，我应该对你保持耐心。起初我和大多数人一样反应不佳。说实话，我完全没准备好应对这种情况。没人应该陷入这种处境。但越深入其中，我越感到我的安全和她的心理健康都取决于我——我的行动、言语以及对事态的反应。

I feel like I need to, like, make sure that you have time and space to to to speak about your feelings to I should be patient with you. Like, at first, I mean, like most people, I didn't react well. You know, I don't think that I was really equipped for that at all. I mean, I don't think anybody should be in something like that. But the more I was in it, the more I felt like my safety and her mental health rested upon my me and what I needed to do and what I said and how I reacted to what was happening.

因为这体验太矛盾了：明明知道我是你的安全港湾，你却带给我最大伤害。我们得谈谈这个。我记得每次提起这个话题时，她总是说'我当时处在黑暗期，不想讨论'或'我不记得了'。

Because it was so interesting to experience, like, know that I'm a safe person for you, yet you caused me the most harm. Let's talk about this. And I remember whenever the conversation would come up, it you know, she would be like, oh, I you know, it's just such a that I was in such a dark place. I don't wanna talk about it. Or I don't remember it.

'我断片了'——但伤害确实发生在我身上啊。是的，你可以继续生活完全忘记这段创伤，但它已烙印在我的身体里。

I blacked out. And it's like but it still happened to me, though. Yeah. So while you can go on about your day and completely forget this traumatic thing, It's in my body. Yep.

这已经深入我的心灵。那么我究竟能在哪里感到安全？你明白我的意思吗？哪怕是精神上的。

It's in my my psyche now. So where where where do I get to feel safe? You know what I mean? Even mentally.

这个问题很有意思，因为我在想界限在哪里。嗯。在某人心理健康和...这是我无法替你解决的问题之间。是的。

That's an interesting question because I feel like where is the line Mhmm. Between somebody's mental health and like this is a problem that I cannot solve for you. Yeah.

作为你的伴侣，我想陪伴你、帮助你、保护你。我认为人们需要诚实地面对自己想做的事。就像当被问到'我该如何支持你？如何做XYZ？你愿意吗？'

And like I am your partner and I wanna be here for you and help you and protect you. I think that people need to be honest about what they want to do. It's like if you're being asked that question, how do I support you? How do I do XYZ? Do you want to?

这对你来说值得吗？我真希望当初问过自己这些问题。你觉得自己能胜任吗？因为无论如何，康复之路或至少缓解之路，我们不知道会有多长。所以就像，好吧，很好。

Is it worth it to you? Like, I wish I asked myself those questions. Do you feel equipped for this? Because regardless, the path to recovery or at the very least relief, we don't know how long it's gonna be. And so it's like, okay, great.

我可以承诺做个支持型伴侣，即使在你身边我感到不安全，也不喜欢我们的互动。但我要同意当这个出气筒多久？况且这份工作需要双方共同努力。

I can sign up to be the supportive partner, even though I don't feel safe around you and I don't love our interactions. It's like how long am I gonna agree to be this punching bag? Also because the work has to happen on both ends.

是的。你某种程度上是对的。纵容

Yes. You're kind of Right. Enabling

所以就像，哦，我是这个人生命中最安全的存在。但问题是：如果这事正发生在你身上，你还能有多安全？其次，如果他们自己都不试图建立内心安全感呢？是的。在你们的关系中？

And so it's like, oh, I'm the safest person in this person's life. But it's just like, how safe are you if it's happening to you? And then B, if they're not trying to create safety within themselves? Yes. Within your relationship?

是的。你...但没错。我同意。我认为关系必须是相互的。

Yes. You but yes. I agree. I think it's like relationships have to be reciprocal.

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

所以如果你付出所有努力来维持一个安全的容器，那么对方也必须努力在这个安全容器内生活。对吧。如果他们不这样做，那就需要一个界限非常明确的人，需要非常多的自爱。是的。我想就像我们之前说的，为什么这种情况通常发生在第一段感情中？

So like if you're doing all this work to hold a safe container, then that person has to also do the work to live within that safe container. Right. And if they're not, then but that takes a really boundaried person and takes like a really a lot of like self love. Yeah. That that I think like what we were saying when you take it back to like why does this usually happen at the first relationship?

因为我们会害怕。我们那时还很青涩，仍在摸索这些。

It's like, because we're scared. We're like new and we're still trying to figure that out.

而对方给了你无法自我给予的感受。

And someone is giving you feelings that you haven't been able to give yourself.

对。

Yes.

你知道，就像有人让你感受到被需要，有人让你感受到受欢迎。有人让你觉得自在做自己。这还确认了很多事。像我那时正逐渐确立自己更阳刚的认同，而交往的是个典型的甜美公主，那个会烤饼干纸杯蛋糕的温柔女孩。

You know, it's like someone is making you feel wanted and someone's making you feel welcome. Someone's making you feel comfortable to just like exist. Also, it affirms a lot. Like me, I was kind of like stepping into my more masculine kind of identity back then. And I was with this pretty, pretty princess, you know, this feminine girl who who baked cookies and cupcakes.

我觉得某种程度上，我自私地在自己的男性气质中得到了确认，在那种坚定不动感情的状态中得到了确认，就像我是她的篮板一样。你懂我的意思吗？我要保持这种男性气质、这种支配感、这种坚定不移、纪律严明的角色，这样你才能做你自己。尽管我感觉不到支持，因为我也应该能够崩溃。我也应该能够柔软，而不必为了维持这段关系而一直这样。

And I think a part of me selfishly was affirmed in my like masculinity and affirmed in, you know, occupying the staunch kind of unemotional like, I was like the backboard, her backboard almost. You know what I mean? Like, I'm gonna remain this way in this masculinity, in this dominance, in this kind of like unmoving, disciplined, you know, kind of role so that you can let your like, you can be you. Even though I don't feel supported because I should be able to also break down. I should also be able to be soft and not have to remain this way in order for this to function.

你说的这些太有意思了，因为我听到的基本上是你顺应了性别角色。就像一种几乎传统的异性动态。因为你感觉这确认了你可能长久以来都无法展现的男性气质。哇。

That is so interesting what you're saying because basically what I'm hearing is that you played into gender roles. And like a normal like almost heterodynamic. Because you felt like that affirmed this masculinity that maybe you weren't able to step into for so long. Wow.

我想我之所以这么久什么都没说，部分原因是我想，如果我这么说会显得怎样，我在让这个女孩践踏我。妈的。你懂我的意思吗？现在回想起来，那太蠢了。姑娘，报警吧。

And I think a part of why I didn't say anything for the longest was because I was like, what does it look like for me to say that, I'm letting this girl, you know, trample all over me. Shit. You know what I mean? And it's like looking back, like, that's so dumb. Girl, call the cops.

是啊。比如，叫人来，婊子，谁在乎？你可能会死，而你还在为那个生气。所以我觉得在那段关系中，这是一次学习爱自己意味着什么的练习，以及爱自己的后果——我不想说后果，更像是爱自己带来的余波，你知道，因为你爱自己，因为你设定了界限，保护自己，你可能不能再拥有某些朋友了。

Yeah. Like, call them people like, bitch, who cares? Like, you could have died and you you mad about that. So I I feel like in that relationship, it was an exercise in learning what it meant to love myself and the consequences of and I don't wanna say consequences, but more so I guess the fallout of loving yourself, which you know, you may not be able to have certain friends anymore because of how they show up in your life, because you love yourself, because you have boundaries around. You protect yourself.

懂吗？某些家人可能不得不疏远。某些空间你可能不再涉足。你懂我的意思吗？因为这种毫不留情、坚定不移的拒绝。

You know? Certain family members may have to fall off. Like, certain spaces you may not occupy anymore. You know what I mean? Because of this kind of relentless, unwavering, like, no.

我有义务和责任为自己的安全、快乐、幸福以及所有这些负责。我记得当我结束那段关系后，我非常非常认真地对待这件事。我就像设置了六英尺的距离。没人能碰我。没人能靠近我。

I'm obligated and responsible for my safety, for my joy, for my happiness, for all of these things. And I can't you have to take I remember when I got out of relationship, I took it really, really seriously. And I was very much like six feet. No one get no one touch me. No one get near me.

我花了一段时间才意识到，第一，我在其中扮演了角色。我觉得很容易从那些情况中脱身，或者身处其中时指责别人——当然要他妈地指责，姑娘。就像我说的，叫人来，报警，做你该做的。但同时，我当时太容易受影响。我太脆弱了，以至于很容易陷入那样的境地。

And it took a while to realize like, number one, I played a role in that. I think it's really easy to get out of those situations or to be in them and like point the finger and granted point the fucking finger girl. Like I said, call them people, call the cops, do what you gotta do. But at the same time, it's like, I was so malleable. Like, I was so vulnerable that it was easy for me to end up in a scenario like that.

比如，我不认为自己做过任何内心功课，能在第一次约会时完全抽身而非勉强应付，像现在这样假装接个电话‘哦，你真是个怪胎’，然后直接走人。

Like, I don't think that I had done any internal work to be able to step away fully instead of that first when that first went on a date, the fake call like now, oh, Oh, you're a freak. I'm out of here.

是啊，我这就走。没错。

Yeah. I'm out of here. Yes.

立刻拉黑。你懂我意思吧？不过我现在能更敏锐地识别这些信号了。所以

Blocked immediately. You know what I mean? But I also I can read that stuff a little bit better now. So

我们必须经历这些，神经系统才能理解‘为什么我有这种感觉’或‘我的边界在哪里’。这很重要。我对初恋也有同感——我需要那段经历，需要有人糟蹋我感情又困在其中，最终挣脱后才明白：哇，原来不必这样。但你说的是个普遍误区，人们总以为爱自己就意味着舒适。

Well, we have to have these experiences for our, like, nervous system to understand, like, why am I feeling this way or what is my boundary? Like it's an important I feel the same way about my first girlfriend. Like I needed that experience. I needed that like I needed someone to treat me like shit and to stay and then to be free of that, to understand like, woah, it does not have to be this way. Like you can't But what you're saying is like a big I think that people think that loving yourself means you're comfortable.

意味着快乐。不，完全不是。就像我

Means you're happy. No. Exactly. No. Like, I

有个朋友...算了不爆这人隐私。总之我的原则是：我需要个人空间，没商量。

had a friend. Let me not tell this person's tea. This happened to me. Okay. Like, me, I need space, like period.

无论是否创伤关系，我的成长环境让我长期独处。我就是喜欢独处，享受个人空间。比如玩Switch，你知道的，我在Switch上玩Uno。

Traumatic relationship or not, the way that I was raised, I spent a lot of time by myself. I just like being alone. I like being in my own space. I like to, I play Switch. You know, I play Uno on Switch.

这就像我的消遣方式，非常有趣。我就喜欢安静地坐着，享受独处。所以我每次约会都会告诉对方：我需要个人空间。

It's like my pastime. It's so fun. And I just I like to sit in the quiet. I like quiet. And so every person that I date, I tell them, I'm like, I need space.

没错。有些人就不喜欢这样，他们会说‘其实我想多聊会儿电话’或者‘我想多去你那儿待着’。而我就直接表示‘但我不想，这样行不通’。

Yeah. And then there are some people who didn't like that. They were like, well, I actually like to be on the phone a little bit longer or actually like I do wanna hang out at your place more. And I'm like, well, I don't. This isn't gonna work.

是的。因为我清楚自己的需求，我认为自爱与阻碍成长之间的界限在于——当你对自己的边界模糊不清时。我知道自己喜欢独处，也需要独处时间。但归根结底，既然身处恋爱关系（就像我现在这样），就必须找到平衡方式，让伴侣也能感受到被重视——比如让她明白我其实很享受她的陪伴。

Yeah. Because I'm what I'm asking for and I think the the line between, like, where self love stops and stunting your growth starts is when you don't know where the line is when it comes to your boundaries. So like, I know I like alone time. I know I need alone time. But at the end of the day, if I'm in a relationship, which I am, I'm going to have to structure this in a particular type of way so that my partner also feels seen and heard and like I want her around.

因为前任们曾对我说：‘OJ，每次你要空间时，我都觉得你讨厌我，不想让我待着。’于是我就意识到，可能是我表达方式有问题——我本意是给自己充电，而不是传达‘我不在乎你’。

Because that was something that, you know, past, you know, exes had told me of like, OJ, I just feel like you don't want me around. I feel like you don't like me every time I ask for space. And so I was like, okay, my delivery or something about the way I'm going about this is not resonating. Right. Because I'm doing this so I can fill my cup up, not to communicate that I don't fuck with you.

对，就像从你或我们这里夺走什么似的。

Yeah. Like take away from you or us. Yeah. Right.

所以我觉得自爱的真谛是：在确保自我需求的同时，也要让那些真正关心你、为你好的人感受到被重视。关键是要平衡好自我支持与他人需求——我们常常高估了前者。

And so I think like when it comes to self love, it's like, yeah, it's about make sure that you're good. But also for the people who have earned their place in your life, the people who haven't harmed you or who do have your best interests at heart, who do love you and it is genuine, making sure that they feel seen too. And I think like managing you know, what it takes to actually support yourself. Yeah. I think that sometimes we overestimate.

其实这就像...我最好的朋友Iris，当初我和Matilde刚开始约会时，我俩形影不离。我甚至让她搬到我隔壁，我们一起工作，做什么都在一起...

Well, also, it's like, you know, I have this I have my very best friend, her name is Iris. And when I first started dating Matilde, her and I were like inseparable. I made her move into the apartment next door to me. We like did every we worked jobs together. We

曾经有段时间我们互相支付

at one point we were paying

对方的账单，因为我们就是那种朋友，你懂吗？后来我遇到玛蒂尔德时，我们分开了，因为那很艰难。现在这个角色由别人来扮演了，那是个艰难的过渡期。我一直试图把她拉进我的世界，不停地说'过来吧，看看这个，加入我们'，但她始终不肯。

each other's bills because we were just like so we're that kind of friend, you know? And then when I met Matilde, it was like, we separated because it that's tough. Like now this role is being fulfilled by someone else and it was a hard like transition period. And I kept trying to pull her into my world and be like, come on, like come over here, look at like, come be a part of this. And she just would not.

而我们需要的...我那时只会觉得'她太他妈自私了'，真的就是这种感觉。但实际上她是难过的，她需要先照顾好自己。是啊。

And we needed like, and all I would do, I'd like, she's so fucking selfish. She's so fucking selfish. Like, would that was the way I was taking it. When really like she was sad and she needed to take care of herself. Yeah.

后来我们关系又回暖了，现在我觉得'你一点都不自私'。我其实很佩服你的做法，就是了解自己，清楚自己的处事方式——

And then we've come back around and now I'm like, you're not selfish at all. I actually admire what you do, which is knowing yourself, knowing how you handle

让我消化一下。

things. Let me process.

明白这点后...是的。她在这方面教会了我很多。最终我们的羁绊反而更牢固了，因为我知道她会离开，会去做自己的事。

Knowing that. Yes. And so she's taught me so much about that. And like, ultimately, our bond is so strong because I know that like, she's gonna go away. She's gonna do her thing.

我希望她快乐。

I want her to be happy.

是啊。

Yeah.

去过你自己的生活吧。但我知道你总会回到这里来的。

Go live your life. But I know you're always gonna come right back around here.

没错。

Exactly.

但这需要双方都有极大的自爱，要能意识到：好吧，我爱你，你也爱我，只是我们处在不同阶段。但那份联结永远都在。是的，即使在友谊中这也很困难。但在恋爱关系里，这他妈太难了。

But that takes so much, like, self love on both parts of like realizing that, okay, I love you and you love me and we're just at different parts. But like, that bond is always there. Yes. In a French even in a friendship that feels so hard. But in your relationship, that is so fucking hard.

就像你说的，我觉得你完全说到点子上了，因为这一切都关乎了解自己。是的。你不必了解对方，你只需要了解自己，并且能够沟通。

So it's like what you're saying, I think you're exactly hitting it because it is all about knowing you. Yeah. You don't have to know that other person. You just have to know yourself to And be able to communicate

我们总喜欢把'沟通'这个词挂在嘴边。是啊。而且我以前还以为自己特别擅长沟通，实际上那时候我只是在不断抱怨，你知道的，发泄对每件事的不满。但真正的沟通应该是——倾听在哪里发生呢，杰德？我们什么时候能做到倾听？

we we like to throw the word communicate out a lot. Yeah. And I also thought I thought I was like, I'm so good at communicating when really at the time I was just constantly complaining and like, you know, voicing my airing my grievances about everything. When really it's like, where's where's the listening happening, Jade? When are we gonna do that?

还有表达方式。没错。同样重要。所以我觉得沟通这方面，特别是考虑到那段关系是我第一次认真的...你们在一起五年了。是啊。

Also, delivery. That's right. Same, same, same. And so, I think the communication aspect, especially like with that relationship being like my first like real you got five years. Yeah.

就像我的第一段真正意义上的恋爱关系，那正是我学习沟通技巧基础的时候。是的，那是解决冲突的基础，但完全被扭曲了。我所学到的一切都是为了保护自己，让对方逃避责任。因为只有这样我们才能和平相处——我不会说或做任何可能让你不高兴的事，但这就是恋爱关系中常发生的情况。

Like my first like real relationship, that is when I'm learning what like that is the foundation for my communication skills. Yeah. That was a foundation for conflict resolution, and it was all skewed. It was all like, everything that I had learned was to protect myself and allow someone to be void of accountability. Because that is how we were able to have peace is I'm not gonna say or do anything that would make you upset, but that is just what happens in relationships.

没错。我无法阻止你产生任何你不愿有的感受。有时候是我的需求或我要说的话，甚至可能是沟通失误，比如我说错了话。是的。

Right. I can't I can't prevent you from never having a feeling that you don't wanna have. And sometimes there are things my needs or what whatever I have to say. It could even be a miscommunication, like say I say the wrong thing. Yeah.

但这仍然不意味着你可以打我。没错。就像...是的。在那段关系结束后我才明白，原来感情是有阶段的。

And that still doesn't mean that you can beat my ass. Correct. Like, that's that's yeah. Yeah. It's I learned after that relationship, oh, there's like phases.

就像我处于生存模式。我逃出来了，感到自由。但我仍然处于生存模式，因为我不想再经历那种事，毕竟伤口还很新鲜。

It's like, I'm in survival mode. I get out. I feel free. But then I'm still in survival mode because I don't want that to happen because it's fresh. It just happened.

但我仍然渴望爱情、陪伴等等。然而，我觉得自己不够安全，不敢再对另一个人那样敞开心扉。然后我进入了一个奇怪的心理阶段，认为每个人都有这种能力。因为我觉得那对我来说是个奇怪的心理障碍——我在另一个人和自己身上都见识过最黑暗的一面，所以认为每个人都有堕落到那种地步的可能。

But I still feel like I still want love and companionship and all these things. However, I don't feel safe enough to be that vulnerable with another person again. And then it went into this weird phase of me thinking that anyone is capable and everyone is capable of that. Because I think that that was a weird mental thing for me. Of like, I experienced some of the darkest shit in another person and in myself that I think that everyone is accessible to getting to that point.

正因如此，我无法信任任何人。即使眼前有美好的东西，总有什么会阻止我全身心投入，因为我知道你们可能做出什么事或变成什么样子。

And because of that, I don't trust any of y'all. It's like even if there is something good here, there's something that will keep me from like fully being present and, like, fully being in it because I know the potential of of of what you could do or who you could be.

约会软件疲劳是非常真实的现象。无意识的滑动、毫无意义的私信，这些都让我们感到更加疏离。虽然大多数约会软件都在追求他人，但有一款却为你留出了寻找自我的空间。在Field上，你有充分空间探索所有欲望——无论是开放式关系、拥抱、耍小性子，还是找到志趣相投的社群。

Dating app fatigue is a very real thing. Mindless swiping, meaningless DMs, it can all make us feel so much more disconnected. And while most dating apps are about pursuing someone else, there's actually one that's carved out space for you to find yourself. On field, you have the breathing room to explore all of your desires. Think open relationships, cuddling, being a brat, and find communities that share your interest.

想象地下城与勇士、网球、设计创作。这里没有广告，完全独立，吸引着那些你一直在寻找的好奇、爱玩且思想开放的人。如果你感到好奇，这里有一小段关于现场约会的预览。你有无数选择，超过20种性取向和性别身份可供选择，你可以自由探索自我和喜好，方式之新颖超乎想象。

Think d and d, tennis, design making. Free from ads and completely independent, this is the place that draws curious, playful, and open minded people, the ones that you have been looking for. If you're feeling curious, here's a little preview of what dating is like on field. You have a ton of options. With 20 plus sexuality and gender identities to choose from, you have the freedom to explore who you are and what you like in ways that you've never even imagined.

此外，62%的现场会员在第一年内会发展出新的性兴趣和欲望。立即下载Field（拼写为FEELD），在App Store或Google Play上均可获取。

Also, sixty two percent of field members evolve their sexuality interests and desires within the first year. Download field, that's FEELD, on the App Store or Google Play.

嗨，我是安吉·希克斯，Angie的联合创始人。当你使用Angie进行家居项目时，你清楚所有工作都会出色完成。屋顶维修？出色完成。厨房水槽安装？出色完成。

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of Angie. When you use Angie for your home projects, you know all your jobs will be done well. Roof repair, Done well. Kitchen sink install? Done well.

露台升级？出色完成。电路改造？出色完成。近三十年来，Angie一直将房主与技能娴熟的专业人士连接起来，所以我们深知‘完成’与‘出色完成’的区别。

Deck upgrades? Done well. Electrical upgrade? Done well. Angie's been connecting homeowners with skilled pros for nearly thirty years, so we know the difference between done and done well.

在angie.com上雇佣高质量的专业人士。

Hire high quality pros at angie.com. Do

你觉得自己还在那里吗？

you feel like you're still there?

有一点。是的，有一点，但绝对不再是我曾经所在的地方了。

A little bit. Yeah. A little bit, But definitely not not where I used to be.

你是如何解开或消除其中一些的？

How have you unraveled that or undone some of that?

我必须告诉人们我的心理状态。我必须这样做。因为我正带着这些记忆和经历生活，这决定了我的待人方式，也影响了我的沟通方式。

I had to tell people what was happening with me mentally. I had to. Like, there's no way that I can because I am living my life with these memories, with these experiences. And that does inform how I am with people. It informs how I communicate.

它影响着所有这一切。所以当我感觉某段关系正在酝酿且状态良好，但那些焦虑又开始浮现时，我就会告诉你我的心理状况。我要让你知道我脑子里在想什么。不是要你一直哄着我，只是让你明白我的出发点。当然如此。

It informs all this stuff. And so if I feel like there's a relationship that I have and it's brewing and it's good and I can feel like those anxieties popping up, it's like, okay, gotta tell you what's going on with me mentally. I gotta tell you like what's happening in my head. Not so that you can baby me all the time, but just so you are aware of where I'm coming from. Of course.

只是让你了解所有这些情况。这就是我现在能处理的方式。而且现在我会为更小的事离开任何人。我会拉黑，会停止和你交谈。

Just so you are aware of all of that stuff. So that's like how I'm able to do it now. And then also I will leave anybody for a whole lot less. I will block. I will stop talking to you.

我不...我不...质量重于数量。

I don't I don't it's quality over quantity.

是的。

Yes.

你知道的，一向如此。

You know, always. So yeah.

我想花点时间思考这个，因为我觉得我就是这样的人。我总是很快就能判断出——实际上，我不喜欢那样。

I wanna sit with that for a minute because I feel like that's the way I am. I'm I'm really quick to be like, actually, I don't like that.

是啊，是啊。

Yeah. Yeah.

在遇到玛蒂尔德之前，我过着相当孤立的生活。就像你说的那样，我当时就想，好吧，我打算一个人过。确实如此，而且我很感激那独自度过的一两年时光，因为那让我真正了解了自己，明白自己喜欢什么、讨厌什么等等。后来我遇见了玛蒂尔德，进入了整个酷儿社群。

I lived pretty isolated before I met Matilde. Like I had that relationship and then like what you were saying, I was just kinda like, you know what, I'm gonna be alone. Yeah. And I really got to and I'm grateful for that year, two years that I spent alone because I really got to know myself and what I like and what I dislike and all of that. Then I meet Matilde and I come into this whole queer community.

突然有了这么多新朋友、新面孔，简直像他妈的信息过载。我感觉自己的系统像被点燃了一样，从完全独处变成了几乎没有独处时间。这很有意思，因为玛蒂尔德和我的处理方式截然不同——我更注重边界感，追求质量而非数量。所以这确实很难，要在这种情况下保持界限真的很不容易。

All these new friends, all these new people and it was like fucking overload all at once. And I think it like set my system on fire because I went from being totally alone to like now never alone. And it's been an interesting thing because Matilda and I handle these things very differently. Like I am just more boundaried and quality over and yeah. And so so it's been a hard thing and it's hard to stay boundaried in that.

当我感觉这个世界不够重视这点时...不，或者说不够鼓励这种态度时。是的。所以有时候坚持立场特别困难，我甚至会突然爆发或生气，因为我想不通：为什么你们看不到我所看到的？

When I don't feel like the world values that enough. No. Or encourages it enough. Yeah. And so it's like sometimes really hard to stand firm and I can like almost have like outbursts or like get angry because I'm like, why do you not see what I see?

为什么这个人可以这样？而我们他妈的就只会找借口纵容。但如果我那样做，别人就会说'你疯了吗？'。所以问题是，如何在一个不认同这种价值观的世界里坚守自我？是啊。

Why can this person be this way? And all we fucking do is excuse and make, you know, let them be that way. But if I acted that way, it would be like, are you fucking crazy? You know, so it's like, how do you stay firm to that and stay true to that and live in a world that doesn't? Yeah.

我

I

我真的尝试过说这个叫做‘找到我的节奏’。我一直在努力寻找自己的节奏。就像在那段关系里，我记得我总对自己说这些话。那时候我还不明白发生了什么。我不知道该用什么词来形容发生的事情，也不知道该怎么定义或称呼它。

I really tried to I say this thing called find my flow. I'm always trying to find my flow. Like I in that relationship, I remember saying to myself all the time. And this is like before I really knew what was happening. I didn't know the words of what was for what was happening or the labels or titles or any of that.

但我记得我总在想，我真的很努力。感觉我付出的努力超出了必要。或者说这段关系比它应有的样子艰难得多。总的来说，我们往往容易过度努力。如果存在很多摩擦，如果连基本的事情都需要不断沟通，比如‘嘿，我只是需要一点空间’。

But I remember thinking to myself all the time, I'm working really hard. Like I feel like I'm working harder than I need to. Or like this relationship is a lot harder than it needs to be. And I think in general, we tend to work a little too hard. I think in general, if there's a lot of friction, if there's needs to be constant communication around just like basic things like, hey, this is just, I just need space.

这是很基本的事情。这不是什么复杂的问题。我只是想要一点空间，仅此而已。如果我在这种事情上和某人产生很多摩擦，显然这里存在某种不兼容，或者别的什么问题。也许我不该留在这里，或者我们本就不该建立这段关系。

This is a basic thing. Like, this is not a complicated issue. Like, I just like a little space. That's it. I don't if there's if I'm experiencing a lot of friction with somebody on that, I clearly, there's something here that incompatibility, whatever, something is happening here where maybe I just don't need to be here or maybe we just don't need to have a relationship.

我认为在那些让我觉得‘为什么这么费劲’的领域和关系中，我倾向于直接切断联系。因为我很清楚自己的性格——我是个愿意主动迎接挑战的人，我知道自己会付出努力。但当我感觉付出远大于回报，且没有得到快乐、顺畅感或其他正向反馈的补充时，这就像是我内心的警示信号：这段关系可能缺乏和谐。

And I think that in areas and relationships where I feel myself like, why does this feel like so much work? I tend to just remove them because knowing how I am and knowing that I am someone who will do hard things willingly, I know that I will do the work. And when I feel like there's a surplus of that, there's like a surplus of that and it's not being replenished or like supported by joy or just like a sense of flow or whatever, then that's kind of like my internal cue of like, I don't know if there's harmony.

有意思。我喜欢你这种说法，因为最初听你表达时，我觉得‘这有点像逃避’。像是‘哦，因为...’

Interesting. I like the way you're saying that because at first when you voiced that I thought, oh, well that's kind of avoid it. Like Oh, for

当然。推开的当然。

sure. Push For sure.

把某人推开。但你说你愿意付出努力时，更像是你足够了解自己，知道什么时候该停止努力，什么时候是‘我在努力而你没有’。对，就是这样。

Someone away. But when you're saying like you are willing to do the work. It's just like you you know yourself well enough to know when the work is done and when like I'm doing the work and you're not doing the work. Yeah. Yes.

那是个非常重要的决定。

That's a very important decision.

我认为工作本身还需要兼容性。就像...我该怎么说呢？有些人很擅长沟通，但他们不改变行为。当我说我会做这份工作时，我也会改变自己的行为。我不会说那种话。

We I think there also needs to be compatibility in the work itself. It's like, if how do I say this? Like there are people who are very good at communicating, but they don't change their behavior. When I say I will do the work, I will change my behavior too. I will not say that thing.

我会以不同的方式和你共享这个空间，或者也许我们根本不该共享那个空间。这就是我的意思。我感觉自己经常陷入小争执，而对方愿意做的工作并不能促进我们之间的和谐。我感激他们的努力，但显然这里仍有未被满足的需求。也许我们就是不适合处理这个问题。

I will occupy this space differently with you or maybe we don't occupy that space together, whatever. It's like, that's what I mean when I say that. And I feel like there have been I've been in like little tiffs with people and it's like the work that they're willing to do isn't supportive of harmony between the two of us. It's like and I appreciate it, but at the same time, clearly there's still something here that's there's a need that's not being met, you know? And maybe we're just not equipped for it.

也许这根本不适合我们。我会...我会离开。优雅地离开，不会制造矛盾，就让你做你自己。我没问题的。

Maybe it's just not our thing. And I will I will leave. Yeah. Gracefully, I'm not gonna like, you know, don't gotta be beef, but like, I'm gonna just let you do you. I'm okay.

能达到这种境界非常非常不容易。我很钦佩你能这么说。我想知道，对于那些可能陷入暴力困境的人，你有什么建议吗？也许他们本就不该处于那种处境？

That is a very, very hard place to get to. So I admire that you say that. I'm wondering if you have any piece of advice for someone who might be stuck in something that is violent? Maybe that isn't maybe just like something that they're not supposed to be in? Yeah.

首先，我会说：接受你不该待在那里的事实，接受已经发生的事情。你不需要为此辩解，也不需要把对方解读成破碎的人。确实，人们会有心理健康问题，有时确实存在某种破碎感。但那从来不是你的责任。仅仅因为你意识到这点而对方没有，并不能成为任何事的借口。

Well, first, I would say, accept that you're not supposed to be there and accept that what happened, you don't have to justify it or interpret it in a way that like colors, you know, your partner or this person as broken. Because like, well, yes, people have mental health issues. There people do have a brokenness about them sometimes. That was never your responsibility. And just because you are aware of this and this person doesn't excuse anything.

我要举自己的例子：当发生一些疯狂的事情后，第二天我说'嘿，我想谈谈这个'，对方却说'我不记得了'或者'随便吧'。

And I'm gonna bring up my example of, you know, something wild would happen. The next day, I'm like, hey. I wanna talk about this. Oh, well, I don't remember it. Or well, whatever.

好吧。我仍然需要面对这一切。无论你经历过什么，生活还在继续；无论对方如何解读你们之间发生的事，这些经历都将与你共存。我花了很长时间才接受这件事发生在我身上，更花了很长时间才承认某种程度上是我放任了它的发生。

Okay. Well, I still have to live with that. So regardless of what you've experienced, you are still living or regardless of how that person interpreted whatever it is that happened between y'all two, you still have to live with these experiences. And I really feel like it took me a long time to accept that it happened to me. It took me a long time to accept that to a degree, I let it happen.

就像这样——当你不去审视自己的感受，当你没有建立保护自身安全的日常机制时，就可能发生这种情况。我们常说'我最大的敌人就是自己'，但你也同样是自己最大的支持者，明白吗？你就是自己的贴身保镖。

Like this is what can happen when you don't interrogate your feelings, when you don't have a routine around safety and protecting yourself. And you are your biggest, like we all say that like, I'm my biggest op. You're also your biggest like supporter. You know what I mean? Like you're own bodyguard.

因此我认为，保护自己、爱自己这件事永远都不算过分认真。即便成为别人故事里的反派也没关系——只要这意味着你是安全的。就像分手过程中的某个阶段，我明明还希望对方感受到支持，还觉得'只有我理解这个人'。

And so I don't think that that's ever like protecting yourself, loving yourself could ever be taken too seriously in that way. You know? Yeah. And I think that it's okay to be a villain in someone else's story even if that means that you are safe. Like, think that there was part of the the breakup and the transition out of that was, well, I still want this person to feel supported and no one understands this person but me.

我们曾建立起纵容彼此的日常模式，我知道如何安抚对方，熟知各种应对套路。但代价是什么？你什么时候才开始滋养自己？我的建议是：开始向你信任的人倾诉，这没什么可耻的。

We had created a routine around enabling, but like we had created a routine where like, I know how to calm them down and this is that and the third. Okay, but at what cost? At what point are you going to like start feeding into yourself? So I guess any advice or anything I would say is start talking to people who you trust. It's not gonna be embarrassing.

或许会觉得难堪，但卸下重担的感觉更令人解脱。身处困境时——我知道人们总爱问'你为什么不离开'——绝大多数时候不是我们不想走，而是离开会带来某种威胁，无论这威胁是针对自己还是对方。承认自己爱着伤害你的人并不可耻。

I mean, it may feel embarrassing, but it's also gonna feel really liberating to get the weight. Because like you're in it. When you're experiencing it and I know that people say all the time like, you know, well, why would you stay? And it's most of the time, it's never because we want to. It's because there's a threat to me leaving in some way or another, whether that threat be upon me or this person who And I think it's okay to acknowledge if you do love someone who is harmful.

承认这点没关系。去和你信任的人谈谈，让他们知道你的处境，倾诉本身就有巨大力量。现实是——如果你签了租约、已婚或有孩子——总有各种牵绊让离开变得困难。制定小计划，必要时做逃生方案（我建议无论如何都准备）。我曾有两三个朋友，每当出事时就去他们家过夜。

It's okay to acknowledge that. So yeah, I would say talk to people who you trust, let them know what's going on with you because just talking about it will do a lot. And the reality is if you're like locked into a lease or you're married or you have kids, like there's things in place that make it hard to just leave, even though you know it's something that you need to do. Make really small plans, make very small plans, Make an escape plan if you need to, which I suggest anyway. And, yeah, I would have I had two, three I had three friends who, you know, like, something would happen and I would go spend the night at their houses.

是的。我可以在凌晨两三点打电话，他们心知肚明。甚至不需要解释。

Yeah. And I could call them at 02:00, 03:00 in the morning. They knew why I was calling. And it wasn't a conversation. Yeah.

光是拥有这些就帮助很大。是的。知道我能整夜安睡且一切安好。醒来就能直接去工作。没错。

And just having that helps so much. Yeah. Knowing that I can sleep through the night and be fine. And I can wake up and just go to work. Yep.

因为我觉得你真正渴望的是正常生活。就像我只想要一个他妈的普通日子，上班、吃晚饭、然后睡觉。是的。仅此而已。没有任何疯狂的事。

Because I think normalcy is really what you're craving most. Like, I just wanna have a normal fucking day where I go to work or we have dinner and then we go to bed. Yeah. And that is it. And there's nothing crazy.

没有创伤性事件。没有任何乱七八糟的。你值得这样的生活。对。我觉得人们总认为这些感情纠葛是——你知道的——爱一个人必须承受的代价，或是成年恋爱关系的必修课。

There's nothing traumatic. There's no wild whatever. And you deserve that. Yes. I think that people think like, you know, these relationships and things that happen, it's like, well, it's just it's like part of the job of loving someone Or it's like part of the job of being in an adult relationship.

但事实是，虽然冲突难免发生，但没人应该对你扔东西，没人应该对你动手。冲突应该能和平解决。句号。所以在你脱身之前——这确实需要时间，老实说可能还得演演戏。

And it's like, while conflict does happen, no one should be throwing anything at you. No one should be putting hands on you. Conflict should be able to exist peacefully. Period. So yeah, until you're able to get out of that space, because it does take time and I'm not gonna lie, maybe a little acting.

现在我能笑着回忆了。但当时一点都不好笑。那时我得说服她接受我们不合适这个事实。我甚至不能直接说'嘿，我不幸福，我想离开'。

So for me, I can laugh about it now. But at the time, it wasn't funny. But when we finally like I had to convince her to like that we weren't good. So I couldn't even be like, hey, I'm unhappy. I wanna leave.

哦，因为那样就会引发威胁之类的。所以我得反过来让她明白'你也不想要这样'。我几乎是在用她的方式和她周旋。真他妈扭曲。

Oh. Because then threats and stuff were made. And so I then had to convince her that like, you don't want this either. I almost had to like play her game in a way. It's so fucked.

太扭曲了。所以当我们终于同意分手，开始过渡期——我搬东西出去之类的时候，我还得装作很伤心。'噢，还记得你给我买的这顶毛线帽吗？'天啊。

It's so fucked. It's so And so when we finally like agreed to break up and the transition is happening, I'm moving my things out, blah, blah, blah. I had to act like I was sad. I had to Oh, man, remember this beanie you bought me? Oh, boy.

哇，我现在得把它塞进行李箱。当时我觉得自己像个混蛋，确实感觉像个混蛋。但归根结底，我知道我只是想确保安全。

Wow. I gotta put it in a suitcase now. Like at the time I felt like an asshole. I felt like an asshole. But at the end of the day, I knew I'm just trying to get to safety.

所以我只能做必须做的事。我必须打持久战，直到我能拿到限制令之类的文件。我说这些是想告诉你，你可能需要发挥创意，可能需要时间，先解决眼前最迫切的需求。哪怕只是找到能让你借宿的朋友家沙发，那也很好。对，现阶段只能这样了。

So I'm just gonna do what I have to do. I had to play the long game or whatever until I was in a space where I could have restraining order papers and blah, blah, blah, So I say that to say you might have to get creative, it might take some time and figure out what your immediate how you can have immediate needs met. And if that's just identifying friends that you can, you know, that have a couch that you can sleep on, great. Yeah. Then it's just gonna have to be that for now.

我不断告诉自己：这只是暂时的，这只是暂时的。终有一天我会摆脱困境，我会尽己所能采取行动，同时尽量避免刺激任何人。因为有时候对方就是想要你大闹一场。

I kept telling myself, this is happening for now. This is happening for now. There is a longer I will be out of this, and I'm gonna put forth what I action towards it that I can do that will hopefully not create any reactions out of anyone. Because usually spectacle is a part of it sometimes. Like sometimes they want you to make a big deal out of it.

对吧？你知道的，这样他们就能指着你说'看看这人都在干些什么'。所以，没错，保护好自己。

Right. You know, because then they can be like they can point the finger at you and say, oh, well, look at what all the all the things this person's doing. Of course. You know? So, yeah, just protect yourself.

认真对待这件事。

Take it seriously.

我觉得你提到有三名随时可联系的朋友很有意思，这又回到了质量胜过数量的老话题。当你知道身边有人支持，当你懂得珍视自己并建立起支柱般的关系——那种无论何时都能求助、毫无杂质的联结——这种关系可以存在于生活的每个领域。

I think it's also interesting that you bring up, like, you had three friends that you, like, knew that you could call no matter what. And it's like, it kind of goes back to that whole quantity over quality thing. Because it's like, when you know that you have people around you, when you know that you have loved yourself enough to create relationships around you that like are pillars Yeah. And who you can call no matter what. And you there's clean intentions and it's like that it's like you can have that in every aspect of your life.

是的。你要明白，你可以自私，可以逃离困境，可以拥有美好人生。我并不是在指责受害者，只是说这些信念也是重要的精神支柱。

Yeah. And knowing that that like that you do not have to, you can be selfish. You can get yourself out of here and you can have a beautiful life. I'm not saying that you're like every that victim it's their fault or anything. I'm just saying like, those are also big anchors to hold on to.

比如，我有这段友谊，意味着我生活中能有更多这样的关系。

Like, I have this friendship, which means I can have more of that in my life.

是的。是的。说实话，我认为大多数人做不到两件事。第一，朋友也需要认可你，你需要这个。因为在那段关系中，我感觉自己好像一直被精神操控。

Yes. Yes. And honestly, like, I think that most people are not two things. One, the friends also who validate you, you need that. Because so much of that relationship, I felt I felt like I mean, was being gaslit the whole time.

没错。所以我会说，哦，是的，发生了这事。但你知道，她那天心情不好。而我朋友会说：'姐妹，啥情况？对啊。'

Yeah. And so I would, you know, say, oh, yeah, this happened. But, know, she she had a bad day. And my friend be like, bitch, what? Yes.

才怪。那太奇怪了。别这样？没错。当有人说'噢，这确实有点吓人'时，能让你重新认清现实。

Fuck no. That's weird. Don't what? Yes. And having someone be like, oh, yeah, that is that is a little alarming, Like, it kind of brings you back to reality.

懂我意思吗？所以我想提这点。但第二件事是，当你做这种自我探索时——我说的就是像你这样时刻保持自省、体验完整自我的人——你周围很多人根本不会这么做。

You know what I mean? So I did wanna mention that. But the second thing, I think when you do this work, and when I say this work, I mean, just like, you are introspective, you experience your full self all the time. Right? There are a lot of people who are in your friend group or at work or whatever in your communities who just don't do that.

他们就是不会。所以他们无法用你能理解的方式与你相处，超越简单的支持或充当锚点。我甚至不要求那么多。但如果你连自我问责的文化都没有，没有反思'我对这事感觉如何'的习惯，不通过日记、治疗等方式内省的话...

They just don't do that. And so they're not able to show up in a way that you can even relate beyond like being supportive or like helping me be an anchor. Like I'm not even asking to do all that. But like, if you don't even have a culture around like accountability for yourself, if you don't have a culture or like a routine around just like, oh, well, how do I feel about this? Or like thinking about your experiences, journaling therapy, whatever it is, whatever medium you decide to Turning inward.

正是。你会发现有些人理解不了你。这没关系。所以重点不是'我在自我隔离'，而是'我要去能被理解的地方'。如果大众理解不了，也没关系，因为我有我的核心三人组。

Exactly. Like you will experience that you may be out of people's depth. And that's okay. And so it's less about like, oh, I'm isolating myself and more so I'm just going where I'm gonna be understood. And if that's not gonna be by the masses, that's cool because I got my good three.

听你这么说我真的很高兴。这是一段如此孤独的旅程，确实如此。但我想它的回报是你拥有了自己。是的。

I am so glad you said that. It is such an isolating journey. It really, really is. But I think the reward of it is that you have yourself. Yeah.

最终，嗯。就像当你真正觉得我能面对自己，我能支撑自己时，你就明白了。

In the end Mhmm. Like when you truly feel like I can face myself and I can hold myself, then you know

嗯。

Mhmm.

而这个，我是说，现在我们有点进入精神层面的讨论了，因为我认为这正是其引导的方向。

And this, I mean, now we're kind of getting into like a spiritual place because I think that's where that leads is.

哦，当然。是的。我曾请一位萨满来我家，好吧。在我搬出去时对我的身体做了些仪式。没错。

Oh, for sure. Yeah. I had a shaman come to my house Okay. And do like some things over my body when I moved out. Yes.

然后他们说，是的，你肚子里有些黑色的脏东西在飘。我当时就

And they were like, yeah, there was some black shit flying around in your belly. And I was

觉得，有道理。明白

like, work. Makes sense. Get

想出来。对。思考

it out. Yeah. Think

当你最终到达那里时，你会进入一个精神和信仰的境地。嗯。就像，你知道吗？你可以对我为所欲为。你可以把我放在任何地方，我都没问题。

that when you ultimately go there, you get to a spiritual place and a place of faith. Mhmm. That's like, you know what? You can fucking do anything to me. You can put me anywhere and I will be okay.

是的。最终它会让你进入心流状态，因为你愿意摆脱任何与你个人本质不符的事物和人。没错。这就是为什么我认为，兜兜转转又让我们回到原点——人们总以为保持自我一致或与自我合一很舒适。其实他妈的一点都不舒服。

Yeah. And ultimately it puts you in flow because you are willing to get rid of anything and anyone that is not aligned with who you are as a person. Yes. And that's why I think again, like full circle it brings us back to like how people think that being in alignment or, you know, one with yourself is comfortable. It's not fucking comfortable.

实际上糟透了。要经历很多失去。需要大量清算。但这一切都是为了达到'一切都会好起来'的境地。

It actually sucks. It actually is a lot of loss. It's a lot of reckoning. It's a lot of that. But it's all to get to this point where everything is gonna be okay.

对。对。我很喜欢。我喜欢现在的状态。虽然我不认为人们必须经历那种关系才能学到教训，也不希望任何人经历那些。

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I love where I'm at. While I don't think that people need to go through those types of relationships to learn the lessons, like not wishing that on anybody.

我确实认为，你从中挣脱的方式会迫使你去做一些功课——也许你迟早都要做。但就像你说的，这让你直面自己。确实如此。这是谷底。尤其是当你脱身后，又陷入类似境遇时。

I do think the way that you pull yourself out of it is it's gonna make you do work you probably would have maybe you would have done it at some point. But like to your point, it makes you face yourself. It does. It's a rock bottom. Especially when you get out of that and then you end up in something else that resembles it.

你会想：等等，我以为这次搞对了。该死的。靠。我就想：好吧，重头再来。

And you're like, oh, wait, thought I got it right. Goddamn it. Like, fuck. I'm like, okay. Back to the drawing board.

你知道吗？所以就像，任何时候，我觉得我们都应该选择内省。但有时生活会迫使你这么做。

You know? So it's like, any point, you know, I think that we should choose to look inward. But sometimes life forces you to do it.

不是有时，而是永远如此。永远如此。我真心相信生活是个螺旋。你将一次又一次面对完全相同的事情，直到你通过考验。

It it it not sometimes. It always will. It always will. I truly believe that life is a spiral. You are going to face the same exact things over and over and over again until you pass the test.

事实。这就像，你知道的，我有点玄学的那一面，但确实如此。不，你说得对。

Facts. That's my like, you know, my woo woo side of me, but it's like No. You're right.

你说得对。

You're right.

你不会得到你想要的。嗯。你真正渴望的。

You are not going to get what you want. Mhmm. What you truly want.

你必须以不同的方式行事。你

You have to do things differently. You

是的。你必须通过考验。我可以和你聊一整天。我真的很享受这次对话。我还有一件事要问每个坐在沙发上的人。

yes. You have to pass the test. I could talk to you all day. I really enjoyed this conversation. I have one more thing that I ask everybody that sits on the couch.

好的。我知道这感觉像心理治疗，但你目前在心理治疗或个人成长方面正在做什么工作？

Okay. I know this has felt like therapy, but what are you working on in therapy or self development wise currently?

哦，我在做什么？耐心。哦，我一点都没有。真的吗？完全没有。

Oh, what am I working on? Patients. Oh, I have none. Really? None.

这在你生活中是如何体现的？

How does that show up in your life?

我就是不喜欢——我很冲动。在工作方面，我给自己设定这些疯狂、无法衡量且不切实际的期望。我想要现在就得到结果。为此我现在会拼命压榨自己。

I just don't like to I'm impulsive. And when it comes to work, I give myself these insane expectations that are like immeasurable and not realistic. I just want things now. I want the results now. And I will kill myself and break myself down to do that now.

因为虽然我知道，哦，这意味着我只需要在短时间内超负荷运转。我们会做到的。不，这样不聪明。而且，这不可持续。还有这点，还有这点。

Because while if I know, oh, all it means, all I gotta do is operate fully outside of my capacity for a little while. We gonna do it. No, like that's not smart. And well, it's not sustainable. Also that, also that.

所以耐心，还有就像身体层面，作为一个有焦虑症且完全依赖药物的人——我爱这点——我学会的一件事是欺骗我的神经系统。这真的很有效，实际上很棒。基本上当我感到焦虑或开始发热时，我会放慢速度。

So patients and also just like even in the physical sense, like I've learned as someone who has anxiety and fully on meds love that. One thing I've learned to do is like trick my nervous system. It's been really it's actually fab. So basically what I'll do is in a moment where I'm feeling anxious or I just feel like I'm getting hot, that moment's happening. I'll just slow down.

好的。这会欺骗我的身体和大脑，让它们以为，哦，我们很放松。

Okay. And it tricks my body and my brain into being like, oh, we're relaxed.

所以这是像一种呼吸练习吗？还是真的就只是这样？

So it's like a do you do like a breathing thing? Or is it literally just like

我会放慢手头所有动作。哇。上次发生在前几天，我当时在压力清洁，比如洗碗时，直接把东西扔进洗碗机。我就对自己说，杰德，停下。

I will just do everything I'm doing slowly. Wow. So last time happened a couple days ago, I was, like, stress cleaning. I was, like, doing dishes, just throwing shit into the dishwasher. I was like, Jade, stop.

然后我开始做同样的事，只是放慢速度。是的。我觉得这对我大脑产生了某种影响，就像是

And I just started I did the same thing, just slower. Yeah. And I think it does something to my brain where it's like

这就是当下。

It's present.

我们可以冷静下来。你确定？对。没问题的。是的。

We can calm down. You're sure? Yeah. It's fine. Yeah.

因为我没必要以光速行动。我们又不是音速小子。放轻松就好。所以没错。

Because I don't need to be moving at the speed of light. We're not sonic. Like, it's fine. So yeah.

这在当下很难做到。但我想这就是为什么说这本质上是冥想。你说的就是，好吧，活在当下。我记得听过，比如洗手时真正去感受水流过手上的感觉？

That's a hard thing to do in the moment. But I think that this is why like that's basically meditation. What you're saying. It's like just okay be here. They I, I think I've heard that like if you go to wash your hands and you just really pay attention to like what does this feel like?

肥皂摸起来是什么感觉？水又是什么感觉？就是这类事情让我觉得...其实我在杂货店给很多病人做过治疗。

What does the soap feel like? What does the water feel like? It's just things like that where it's like and I actually worked on a lot of patients in the grocery store.

哦。

Oh.

因为我知道这很奇怪。但我会在排队时想，这他妈太离谱了。

Because I know this is weird. But I would like wait in line and I'd be like, like, this is so fucking up.

明白了。

Got it.

但后来有次我认真问自己，

But then at one point, I like really asked myself like,

你到底

where are

想去哪里？

you trying to go?

是啊。你会离开这里，会上车，会把 groceries 放好。嗯哼。

Yeah. You're gonna you're gonna leave here. You're gonna get in your car. You're gonna go put your groceries away. Mhmm.

为什么急着去做那些事？我们就待在这儿。对。

Why are you rushing to go do that? Let's just be right here. Yep.

所以每次在超市排队时，我都会这样想。比如拿起本杂志，或者开始东张西望，然后提醒自己：等等，享受当下。对，就是现在这个时刻。

And so every time I would be in a grocery store line, I would think that to myself. Be like, oh, I'd pick up a magazine or I would start just like, you know, looking around and it's like, hold on, just enjoy Yeah. Where we're at right now.

你还在坚持。对。很好。

You're still. Yeah. Good.

是啊。好的。我喜欢这个探索。对。

Yeah. Yep. Okay. I like that quest. Yeah.

让我知道进展

Let me know how

这很棒。

it Nice.

好的。你能告诉大家在哪里可以找到你吗？

Yes. Can you please let people know where to find you?

对。所以我所有账号都用玉狐这个名字。YouTube上是玉狐，基本上全是玉狐。找玉狐？

Yeah. So I I am Jade Fox on everything. Jade Fox on YouTube. Literally just Jade Fox. Find Jade Fox?

很独特的名字。出自一部电影。有人告诉我是部功夫片之类的。

Unique name. It's in a movie. Someone told me some kung fu movie or something.

玉狐。

Jade Fox.

没错。每次我告诉别人名字，他们都会说'是电影里那个吗'。

Yes. So I tell people my name. They're like, from the movie.

这是你的真名吗？

And it's your real name?

不是。我父母起的。那才是真名。哇。真厉害。

No. From my parents. That's your real name. Wow. Impressive.

好的，我们来玩个游戏。

Okay. We play a game.

好的。

Okay.

游戏名叫《尖叫就变鬼》。

It's called You Holler, You Ghost.

好的。

Okay.

假设你重回约会世界——很可怕对吧？你遇到一个人，各方面都很完美，除了一个小怪癖：他们有晚上10点的门禁。

So pretend you're back out in the dating world. Terrifying. You meet someone. They're perfect in every way except for this one quirk. They have a curfew, 10PM.

他们必须回家。

They're home.

他们是成年人，对吧？

They are an adult. Correct?

他们是个成年人了。好吧。

They're an adult. Okay.

他们是自找的

They're A self inflicted

自我实施的宵禁。好吧。

Self inflicted curfew. Okay.

你是在问我喜欢什么娱乐活动吗？你是吗？

Are you asking me what I like entertaining Are you yeah.

这像是租车搬家那种你无所谓的情况？还是说我只是...

Is this like a U Haul, you're fine with it? Or is this like I'm just

就像，我觉得没问题。你觉得没问题我也觉得没问题。我整天都犯困。我整天都犯困而且更喜欢下午早些时候的性爱。好吧。

like, I'm cool with it. You're cool with I'm cool with it. I'm sleepy all the time. I'm sleepy all the time and I prefer like early afternoon sex. Okay.

这听起来像是个晚上最合适的绝佳搭配。确实。这个很赞。我要把这个用在我的感情关系里。

This sounds like a good match best for at night. Actually, yeah. This eats. Yeah. I'm gonna employ this in my relationship.

是啊，我确实有点

Yeah. I kind of really

我觉得这样挺好。那样也行。看起来很有成效，效率很高。

I'm okay with this. I'm okay with that. It seems productive, like efficient.

如果他们因为觉得幸运而把闹钟设在03:17和09:42呢？

What about they set alarms for 03:17 and 09:42 because it feels lucky?

好吧，我接受这个。

Okay. I'm okay with this.

嗯。

Mhmm.

因为我是那种爱按贪睡按钮的人。

Because I am the snoozer person.

哦，好吧。

Oh, okay.

而且我设置了最烦人的闹钟铃声。我的闹钟经常响，我就按侧边的小按钮，然后九分钟后它们又会再响。

And I have the most annoying, like, alarm sound. So my alarms go off often and I just hit the little buttons on the side and then they go off again in nine minutes.

是啊。然后

Yep. And then

我按侧边的按钮，九分钟后它们又会响。对。然后我又按侧边的按钮。这就是我。所以我觉得我们其实挺合拍的。

I hit the buttons on the side and they go off again in nine minutes. Yeah. And then I hit the buttons on the side. So that's me. So I think we're actually compatible Yeah.

如果那就是他们的小怪癖的话。

If that's what their quirk was.

是啊。我也觉得这有点可爱。有点像天使数字那种感觉。

Yeah. I also think it's, like, kinda cute. It's kinda like an angel number thing.

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

就像，哦，好吧。那个

Like, oh, okay. That

也可以是些可爱的小事。比如，准备个惊喜什么的。就像，哇，你真的很幸运。你说得太对了。来，给你个小奖励之类的。

could be something cute too. Like, say you'd, like, do a surprise or something. It's like, oh, you really are lucky. You're so right. Here's a here's a little little boo boo or something.

三点十七分你说得太对了。嗯。好吧。我喜欢这个。听起来就像我们女孩会做的事。

You're so right at three seventeen. Yeah. Okay. I like this one. This this sounds like our girl.

我知道。对，简直是绝配。好吧。要不每看二十分钟电影就暂停一下，检查氛围，确保你们还喜欢看？

I know. Like, yeah. Perfect match. Okay. What about they pause every twenty minutes, when you're watching a movie to check the vibe and make sure you're still liking it?

这就是我。天啊，你是认真的吗？或者说，我可以等会儿。看这个让我想到个主意。

This is me. Oh my god. Are you serious? Or like, I'm I'm good for a wait. This watching this thing gave me an idea.

让我暂停一下告诉你。哦不。对，这就是我。抱歉，明迪。

Let me pause and tell you about it. Oh, no. Yeah. That's me. Sorry, Mindy.

抱歉。对，这就是我的日常。我超爱暂停，因为我不想在看电影时说话，那样会让我过度兴奋。我就是在说这个。

Sorry. Yeah. That's me all day. I love a pause because I don't wanna talk through it, the movie, because then I get overstimulated. I'm talking the thing.

确实挺多的。

It's a lot.

这倒不会困扰我。但如果是那种反复确认我是否喜欢的行为...对我来说感觉就像你在过度担心我的想法。我更想知道你的真实想法，懂我意思吗？

That doesn't bother me. But making something about checking to make sure I like it Yeah. For me is like managing like, you're too worried about what I'm thinking. I wanna know what you're thinking. You know what I mean?

怎么说呢，这种情况会让我突然迟疑起来。

Like, something about that makes me be like it gives me pause.

我懂这种感觉。我不是...

I feel that. I don't

...故意玩消失，只是纳闷你为什么这么在意我的喜好？

know that I'm ghosting, but I'm just like, why are you so worried about if I like it?

嗯，我觉得这可能是心理阴影——我女朋友经常这样，我们一起看完一整部电影或剧集，花了几个小时从头看到尾，最后她说：'嗯，我讨厌这片子'。

Well, I think and maybe this is trauma because my girlfriend will there have been many times that we've watched a full movie. We've watched a full series. And then at the end, I'm like, we watched that whole thing from start to finish for hours. And she's like, yeah. I hated it.

什么？那你为什么不早说？所以我觉得这阴影现在就在我们之间。

What? Why wouldn't you tell me that? And so I actually think that this is trauma that's in the room with us right now.

你说得太对了。

You're so right.

让我来

Make me

这是个沟通问题。因为关键在于，如果我总是这样

It is a communication thing. Because the thing is is I'm always gonna if I

不喜欢的话，我就会说，我

don't like that, I'm gonna be like, I

我讨厌这样，我要退出观看了。你可以继续看。是的。但我不会再参与。所以你总会知道

I hate this, and I'm gonna check out. And you can keep watching it. Yeah. But I'm not gonna keep engaging. So I will you'll always know

嗯。

Mhmm.