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狂野西部。你觉得我应该宣誓成为为死者而设的副警长吗？是啊，为什么不呢？
Wild. Wild West. You think I should take the sworn in as deputy for the dead? Yeah. Why wouldn't you?
太疯狂了。我一宣誓就职就会开枪
That's crazy. I'd as soon as I get sworn in, I'm gonna discharge my firearm You
你必须这么做。
have to.
直接冲进美国。最后进监狱？你要是设了这个局我会崩溃的
Straight into America. End up in jail? I'd be sick if you set up
这句该死的判决。警察得为我辩护，他们会的。
this fucking sentence. They'd have to the cops would have to defend me. They yeah.
他们得被他们的法律程序带走。
They they mean to be picked up by their legal.
他们会说，兄弟，别担心，我们罩着你。对，我们罩着你。这种事他妈的天天发生。
They would go, dude. Don't worry. We got you. Yeah. We got Should happens should happens all the fucking time.
我只希望你别在监狱里被捅。是啊，我得犯个重罪，得进去陪你。我不能，对，我不能让你一个人在里面。
I just hope you don't get stabbed in jail. Yeah. I'd have to commit a heinous crime. I'd have to go on the inside with you. I can't, yeah, I can't let you in there alone.
是啊，你不会的。
Yeah. You wouldn't.
我做不到。
I can't.
我知道你不会让我一个人进去的。
I know you wouldn't let me in there alone.
我会的。我得……我得进去，我得，比如，揍个老太太之类的。
I would. I'd have to I'd go I'd have to, like, punch a lady or something.
如果你非得这么做的话。
If you have to do it.
走快速通道。我不想等审判。对，就是这样。
Fast track. I don't wanna wait out a trial. Yeah. Exactly.
你就说，是为了我兄弟。对。最后，兄弟，有人朝你比了个dab。你说……
You go, is for my bro. Yeah. And just finally, dude, someone dabbed at you. What you
什么鬼？
what the fuck?
你说这个真有意思。你提这个真有趣。
It's interesting you say that. It's funny you bring that up.
就跟我老婆说，你其实是去看圣母大学的比赛。真他妈糟透了。我爱你，宝贝。对不起。
Just tell my wife that you were actually going to a Notre Dame game. It just fucking sucks. I love you, babe. I'm sorry.
你会理解的。
You'll understand.
总有一天你会理解的。
One day you'll understand.
兄弟，等你一进监狱，我早就掌控全场了，我立马就把你收编，兄弟。我直接就是
Dude, when you get into prison, I'm already running it, and I just immediately trick you out, dude. I'm just instantly just like
我会成你小弟之一？
I'd be one of your boys?
不，我会说你就是我的“底牌男孩”。我会说，去吧。你还觉得你是在帮我忙，是你自己进来的。
No. I'd say you'd be my bottom boy. I'd say go. You felt you're doing me a favor. You came in.
你正好赶上我心情不好的时候。
You got me at a bad time.
我就被调教了。
I get turned out.
我会把你调教得服服帖帖。
I'd turn you out.
我挺你。
I'd back.
真的。我的审判会拖很久，我老婆会……算了，没事。其实，我原谅他了。
True. My trial will take My wife will be, yeah. It's fine. Actually, I forgive him.
“闭嘴吧你。”
Like, shut the fuck up.
我得去坐牢了。
I gotta go to jail.
我得加入雅利安兄弟会这台机器。我加入雅利安兄弟会。
I gotta join the Aryan Brotherhood machine. I join the Aryan Brotherhood.
我爱你，宝贝。总有一天你会明白的。然后我就进去了。对。然后我就被带坏了。
I love you, babe. One day you'll understand. Then I get in there. Yeah. And I just get turned out.
第一天你就把我带坏了。
You turn me out day one.
把你带坏。
Turn you out.
马特，就让那家伙猛干吧。
Matt, just let that guy plow.
我会把你和那只海豚的照片挂在我墙上。大家都会来我房间对着那张照片打飞机。
I'd have that fucking picture of you and that dolphin hung up on my wall. Everyone would be using my room to jack off to that photo.
对。我……你有没有看到那个乌马尔博士的事，他的账户被冻结了？没？网上到处都是。但让我笑的是，首先，他办学校办了十年了，你知道，就那样。
Yeah. I was I was have you have you, like, caught the thing with doctor Umar and, like, his fact is account got frozen? No. It's all it's all in, like, online everywhere. But the thing that made me laugh, first of all, he's been doing a school for, like, ten years, which is, you know, whatever.
大家都说那是骗局。我不知道。我不了解这个人。但他确实办了十年学校，一直在收资金，各种操作。但最近，因为学年快到了。
Everyone says it's a scam. I don't know. I don't know about the guy. But he's been doing a school for ten years and, you know, taking funding, all this stuff. But recently, because, you know, school year is coming upon us.
他在车里拍了个视频，说，我的账户被黑了。现在被冻结了。我的账户有欺诈活动。我不知道怎么回事。大家都跟着他重复。
He did a video from his car where he's like, my accounts have been hacked. They're frozen right now. There's been fraud on my activity. I don't know what's going on. It's everybody repeats him.
他每句话都说三遍。他说，我的账户——我的账户被黑了，各位。我的账户被黑了。兄弟们，我的账户被黑了。然后他才说下一点。
He says everything three times. He goes, my accounts my accounts have been hacked, y'all. My accounts have been hacked. Guys, my accounts have been hacked. Then he goes to his next point.
你为什么会被黑？
Why do you get hacked?
他们说账户里有欺诈行为，这有点可疑，因为如果账户真有欺诈，他们不会冻结你的资金。是的。通常，我觉得他们不会这么做。我不知道。我不知道。
They're saying there's fraud on the account, which is kind of sketchy because if you have fraud in your account, they don't freeze your funds. Yeah. Typically, I don't I don't think they would. I don't know. I don't know.
我不知道。我不知道。但我提起这件事的原因是，有两个人，两个网上的人，我觉得一直在骚扰他，还推动了这次调查。其中一个人的网名叫“past the pussy”，他说了大概三遍。
I don't know. I don't know. But the the the reason I'm bringing this up, he has there's two people, two online people, I think, who have been, like, trolling him and kind of, like, kicking this investigation off. One of the guy's names is past the pussy. He says, like, three times.
他说，我想让你知道，就像另一个人的名字和“pass the bussy”一样。联邦指控可能会落到你头上。联邦指控也可能会落到“pass the bussy”头上。
He goes, and I wanna let you know, it's like whatever the other guy's name is and pass the bussy. Federal charges can be brought against you. Federal charges can be brought against pass the bussy.
这些人叫passed他是
The people are passed He's
我觉得也是费城的。费城的Doctor. Remark。是的。
from Philly, I think, too. Doctor. Remark from Philly. Yeah.
那就说得通了。
That checks out.
是的。是的。
Yeah. Yeah.
那就说得通了。
That checks out.
是啊，兄弟。他
Yeah, man. Been He
看起来就是那个人。
seems like the man.
哥们，我一看到他就喜欢他
Dude, I always like him when I
看起来真的特别搞笑。
see seems like truly hilarious.
每次在电视上看到他，我都会看。
When I see him on stuff, I always watch.
但他在搞笑吗？
But he's goofing?
多少
How much
你觉得他在搞笑吗？我觉得他有点在搞笑。
do think he's goofing? I think he's goofing a little.
你看过那些他抓“雪兔”的梗图吗？太搞笑了，真的。太棒了。但确实，现在风向开始有点负面了。
You see the memes about him catching people with snow bunnies? They're so good. It's great. They're so good. But, yeah, there's it's starting to take a a pretty negative turn.
因为他确实搞了个弗雷德里克·道格拉斯·马库斯·加维学院，人们好像在特拉华州威明顿等了十四年，就等它开门，结果……
Because he does have the Frederick Frederick Douglass Marcus Garvey Academy, and people waiting apparently for fourteen years for this thing to open in Wilmington, Delaware. And it's
还没开。
It's not open.
不，兄弟。
No, dude.
靠。
Damn.
他妈的十四年啊。结果现在有人黑了他的账户。学校又要推迟一年才开。真他妈气死我了。
Fourteen fucking years. And, you know, so but now someone fucking hacked his accounts. Now the school's not gonna open for another year. It's fucking pissing me off.
狗屎。
Fucking bullshit.
狗屎，他妈的，把妞递过来。把妞递过来。别闹了。
Fucking bull fucking pass the pussy. Pass the pussy. Knock it off.
我们正想办法进这所学校。
We're trying to get this school.
我们得去FD FDMU。
We need to go to FD FDMU.
我们应该搬回去然后报名。
We should move back and enroll.
我会去的，我知道。
I'm gonna go I know.
不知道有没有年龄限制。
I wonder if there's an age limit.
我们可以叫比利·梅森、弗雷德里克·道格拉斯、马库斯·加维学院。对。你得面对你含糊说唱（mumble rap）的恐惧。
We could Billy Mason, Frederick Douglass, Marcus Garvey Academy. Yeah. You'd have to become a you have to face your mumble rap fears.
他们全是含糊说唱歌手。
They'd be all mumble rappers.
不是，那会是全天候含糊说唱。那会是——
It's not it'd be nonstop mumble rappers. It'd be the I'd
我会是伊恩。
be Ian.
那会是马库斯·加维含糊说唱歌手。
It'd be the Marcus Garvey mumble rapper.
我会在里面当伊恩。
I'd be Ian in there.
好的含糊说唱学院。我是说，我希望他真的把学校开起来，兄弟。大家都在黑他，都在说他是个骗子，说他只是骗钱，但我挺想看他真把学校开起来，然后让那些人闭嘴。
Good mumble rapper. Academy. I mean, I hope he opens it up, man. Everyone's hating on him. Everyone's like, you know, calling him a grifter and shit saying, you know, he's he's just stealing money, but I like to see him open the school and shut down.
我不讨厌这事儿。
I don't hate it.
他该赚点钱，他给我们带来了好娱乐。
Deserves a little bread. He's giving us good entertainment.
对。据说他的出场费——我听说我试着请他上播客，他开口就要一大叠一大叠的钱。
Yeah. Apparently, his booking fee from what I heard is I tried to book him on the podcast, and he he was asking for racks on racks.
真的假的？
Really?
是啊，兄弟。至少那个预订人是这么说的，对，你得付他们一大叠钞票。我说，我能不能直接捐给学校？但现在账户他妈的被冻结了，兄弟。
Yeah, dude. That's at least what the booker was like, yeah, you gotta you gotta pay them racks on racks. I'm like, can I just donate to the school? But now the account's fucking frozen, dude.
快把屁股递过来。
Fucking pass the bussy.
递递屁股。要是你动了FDMG，联邦起诉等着你。别闹了，把屁股传过去。被一个人追着屁股跑太好笑了。
Pass pass the bussy. Federal indictment if you get caught messing with the FDMG. Stop. Knock it off past the pussy. Getting getting attacked by a guy past the pussy is so funny.
让我抓狂的是，你账户里一有欺诈，他们就像恨你一样，一分钱都不给你。你懂我意思吧？就像有人动了你的信用卡或借记卡。
It the thing that was freaking me out though, like, you have fraud in your account, they don't like they hate no more money for you. You what know I mean? Like, if you if someone, like, fucks with your credit cards or your debit card.
所以可能是那样。也许他……我不知道。我不知道。因为确实会冻结账户，那总是很糟。
So Could be that. Like, he might I don't know. I don't know. Because it does freeze your account. That always sucks.
对，如果发现有欺诈，我们就把你的借记卡停了。你就会……
Yeah. Like, if something fraudulent going on, we shut down your debit card. You're like,
会冻结吗？我只在信用卡上遇到过。
does it free see, I only ever had it on my credit card.
两张卡都会。嗯，好吧。
Well, either one. Yeah. Okay.
我当时想，搞什么鬼？靠。就是那张卡。对，真的。
I go, what the fuck? Dang. That's the card. Yeah. True.
他说他的学校账号和个人账号都被封了，两个都关停了。所以，你知道，送上t's和p's。
He was saying both he has account for the school and a personal account. Both are shut down right now. So, you know, thoughts on t's and p's.
是啊，送上t's和p's。
Yeah. T's and p's go out
给这位好医生。Ts和Ps是泛非主义的王子。
to The good doctor. Ts and Ps is the prince of Pan Africanism.
没错。
Yes.
他自己的原话。他就是这么自称的。
His words. That's what he calls himself.
他就是这么
That's what
自称的。对。兄弟，他正在步卡扎菲的后尘
he calls himself. Yes. Dude, he is falling
他正在步卡扎菲的后尘。什么？他正在步卡扎菲的后尘。确实，他
in Gaddafi's steps. He what? He's falling in Gaddafi's steps. He is. He
真的，每次我看他的节目，我都觉得，我爱死他了。我爱看他痛骂那些“雪兔”。
genuinely very everything I watch him on, I'm like, I love it. I love watching him just berate people for snow bunnies.
是啊，而且——没错。有时候看人们针对白人搞种族歧视，确实挺有趣。
Yeah. And also yeah. Sometimes it's very fun when people are racist against white people.
它它
It's it's
看起来真有趣。你看，看那，真好玩。
it's fun to watch. You go, look at that. That's fun.
我，我对任何……我都抵挡不住
I any I'm a sucker for any
辛辛那提那个是什么
What's the Cincinnati
辛辛那提暴揍是什么？哦，你要去×。快从×上下来。
What's the Cincinnati Beatdown? Oh, you're going to x. Get off of x.
辛辛那提暴揍。太搞笑了。什么时候才停？辛……别给它起名字。我知道。
The Cincinnati Beatdown. It's so funny. When will it stop? The the cin don't give it a name. I know.
辛辛那提暴揍听起来像WWF里的招式。辛辛那提暴揍。
The Cincinnati beatdown sounds like it was WWF. The Cincinnati beatdown.
是不是那对从爵士俱乐部出来的情侣，那位女士？就是……
Was that the couple that left the jazz club and the lady? It's just
那辛辛那提暴揍让他们被揍惨了。靠，真的非常非常惨。
that Cincinnati beatdown got they got fucked up. Dang. It was really, really bad.
看起来就很惨。哦，我只看过一张那位女士的静态图片
It looked bad out. Oh, I only ever saw the one still image of a lady
哦，太惨了。
Oh, It was rough.
非常糟糕。她看起来像是死了。
Very bad. She looks dead.
是啊。她被打得稀烂。天啊。辛辛那提暴揍。
Yeah. She got fucking cracked. Jesus Christ. The Cincinnati beatdown.
对。我我犯了个错，在CB期间上了Axe，然后我就
Yeah. My my I made the mistake of going on axe during the CB, and I'm
像辛辛那提暴揍一样。
like Cincinnati beatdown.
是啊。他们，兄弟，他们已经被激进化。他们想把我一起激进化，兄弟。真的。
Yeah. And it's man, they're radicalized. They're trying to radicalize me, man. Yeah. They really are.
但他们把所有人都拉下水。我看了其他一些视频。
But they get they get everyone on that. I saw some other videos.
什么
What's
就是反过来。你懂的？就像，我们我们不再被欺负了。这就是下场。
Just the reverse. You know? Just like, we're we're done being pushed around. This is what happens.
是啊。确实。
Yeah. True.
你会被辛辛那提狠狠修理一顿。
You're gonna get a Cincinnati beatdown.
我是说，那应该被定为全国假日。船战是什么时候发生的？船战是……
I mean, the that should be a national holiday. When when did the boat fight happen? The boat fight was
阿拉巴马船战？
the the Alabama boat fight?
船战怎么没起个酷炫的外号？
How did the boat fight not get a cool nickname?
阿拉巴马重击。阿拉巴马重击。这
The Alabama slammer. The Alabama slammer. The
船战？阿拉巴马重击。
boat fight? Alabama slammer.
那是一场大胜。那是他们的波士顿倾茶事件。他们就是把白人一个个扔下船。哦，那是……周年纪念日
That was, yeah, that was that was a big win. That was their Boston Tea Party. They're just they're throwing whites overboard. Oh, that that was oh, the the anniversary
那是亚利桑那茶会。那是亚利桑那冰茶
that was the Arizona Tea Party. That was the Arizona iced tea
派对。对。阿拉巴马重击的纪念日就在Optimum Noctis。哦，不错。那你得把看门狗扔下舞台庆祝一下。
party. Yeah. That was the the Alabama slam has happened the anniversaries on Optimum Noctis. Oh, nice. Well, you gotta celebrate by throwing guard dog over off the stage.
让我走跳板。你得走跳板。所有海盗都拿到宝藏了。说实话，那天对白人来说真是难熬的一天。
Make me walk the plank. You gotta walk the plank. All the pirates got the booty. I gotta be honest. That one that was a tough day for the whites.
哦，那真是个
Oh, that was a
巨大的地狱。辛辛那提，辛辛那提的暴揍简直太糟糕了。
tremendous hell. The Cincinnati the Cincinnati beatdown is just that's terrible.
那真是个巨大的地狱。
That's a tremendous hell.
阿拉巴马猛击
The Alabama slam,
阿拉巴马猛击太疯狂了。
Alabama slam was crazy.
那可真够呛。就是一群喝醉的白人哥们。
That was a tough one. It's just drunk white dudes.
总之，在里面
Anyway, In there,
他们游过去了。你还记得吗？那个黑人从水里冒出来。对。
they did swam across. You remember that? Fucking black dude came out of the water. Yeah.
太疯狂了。我们以为我们控制了大海。
It it crazy. We thought we controlled the seas.
显然，控制了大海。对。那总是安全的。码头是跟黑人打架的最佳地点。你会想，哦，在这儿你可抓不到我。
Apparently, controlled the sea. Yeah. That's always that's safe. The docks are the best place to fight a black guy. You go, oh, can't get me here.
所以是坑，再没东西冒出来
So it's the pit. No more comes out
从水里出来。
of the water.
你走开。靠。干掉他。你只需要走。别再继续了。
You go off. Shit. Finish him. All you gotta do is go. No longer.
别再继续了，
No longer,
哦，现在你需要我帮忙了。
Oh, now you need my help.
好吧。我来救你。对。是什么引爆了阿拉巴马重击？
Fine. I'll save you. Yeah. What what kicked off the Alabama slammer?
我觉得是船上的醉鬼。对。下面就像火药桶。对。炸飞的裙子，船上的醉白人。
I think drunk people on a boat. Yeah. It was a powder keg down there. Yeah. Blasting skirt Drunk white people on a boat.
黑人，我敢肯定，在忙自己的事。
Black people, I'm sure, minding their own business.
对。肯定的。肯定的
Yeah. For sure. For sure
他们确实在忙自己的事。哦，他们扇了黑人保安一巴掌。扇了黑人保安一巴掌，我
they were minding their own business. Oh, they slapped a black security guard. Slapped a black security guard who I
我觉得是在告诉他们不能继续做他们正在做的事，而他可能本来对此很兴奋。
think was telling them they couldn't do what they were doing, like, which was he probably was excited to do that.
是啊。作为一个白人，当有人告诉我不能这么做的时候，我会觉得被冒犯。
Yeah. Will say as a white person is offensive when someone tells me I can't
每天都这么做。
do it every day. So
那个保安的
that security guard's
真的，我觉得
really I think
这范围扩大了。
that expands.
是啊，我知道，知道。
Yeah. I know. Know.
我跟你说，他真的
I'll tell you he really
很讨厌这样。
hates it.
辛辛那提那次真的让人崩溃，那是
Cincinnati one was devastating, though. That was
那看起来很糟糕。
That was a bad look.
那是个糟糕的
That's a bad
样子。
look.
你知道什么
You know what's
操蛋的是，这看起来很糟糕。没有巨额罚款。
fucked It's a bad look. There's no big fine.
这真的不好。
It's it's not good.
保安不受保护。就像，如果你把邮差揍得半死，你会被罚大概4万美元。对。但你就是可以随便扇保安一巴掌。
Security guards aren't protected. Like, if you beat the shit off a mailman, you get it's like a $40,000 fine. Yeah. You can just smack a security guard.
我是说，这是袭击。最糟糕的情况可能会发生。
Mean, it's assault. That's the worst case scenario could happen.
确实。你触发了阿拉巴马。你就像阿拉巴马扇人耳光的弗朗茨·斐迪南。对。就是这样。
True. You trigger the Alabama. You're like the Franz Ferdinand of Alabama slamming? Yeah. That was it.
天哪，那可就糟透了。
God, that would suck.
还有联合部队。我甚至觉得他们彼此都不认识。那个游泳的家伙，我觉得他跟安保人员一点关系都没有。他只是……他看见了一个……他
And the United Forces. I don't even think they knew each other. The swimming guy, I don't think it had anything to do with the security guy. He just he saw an He
就像一艘俄罗斯潜艇。
was like a Russian submarine.
他浮出来了。对。他在等。船在近海。他只是在等。
He came out. Yeah. He waiting. Boat off the coast. He's just waiting.
这是 BetterHelp 的广告。更好的帮助。网上有很多错误信息。
This is an ad by BetterHelp. The help with the better. There's a lot of misinformation on the Internet.
哦，对。
Oh, yeah.
你们知道的，对吧，肖恩？你知道的，对吧？
You guys know that, Sean? You know that?
知道。
Yes.
顺着这个话题，我接下来要说的是一些我真的很难找到的东西。
And from that talking point, my next thing is things that I've really struggled to find.
嗯，有道理。网上确实有很多错误信息。
Yeah. That makes sense. There's a lot of misinformation on the Internet.
我得搜多久才能找到真正对我有用的东西，如果能找到的话？说实话，各位，我还在找。
How much searching did I have to do before I found something that actually worked for me, if at all? Guys, I'll be honest, I'm still searching
为了那个，我自己也还在寻找。
for that. I'm still searching myself.
还在寻找那个东西，兄弟。你懂我意思吗？我真的、真的很挣扎。
Still searching for that something, man. You know what I mean? I'm really, really struggling.
我在挣扎。
I'm struggling.
唉，兄弟。与其从可疑的来源寻找答案，有时候不如直接找专业人士聊聊。比如，如果你在心理健康方面感到困扰，一位有资质的治疗师可以帮你找到适合你的解决办法。
Oh, man. Instead of looking for a solution from questionable sources, sometimes it's better to just talk with a professional. Like if you're struggling with your mental health, a credentialed therapist can help you find a solution that works for you.
是啊，那挺好的。
Yeah. That'd be nice.
如果你觉得舒服，可以谈谈你是如何从治疗中受益的。
If you feel comfortable, talk about how you've benefited from therapy.
我不愿意谈这个。
I'm not comfortable doing that.
嗯，我不想……我不想……我的焦虑现在飙升了。
Yeah. I don't wanna I don't my anxiety is spiking right now.
是啊，我不知道你为什么要问我们那个。
Yeah. I don't know why you would ask us that.
那其实是……
That's actually
真的。我的心理健康。是的。如果可以的话，我可能需要休息一下。是的。
true. My mental health. Yeah. I might have to take a break if that's okay. Yeah.
我们得休息一下了。
We're gonna have to take a break.
数百万人通过 BetterHelp 从心理治疗中受益。它非常方便，基于数百万条好评和评分，人们之所以不断回来，是有原因的。此外，作为全球最大的在线心理治疗提供商，BetterHelp 可以提供接触具有多种专业背景的心理健康专家的机会。我刚才差点说成专业。
Millions have benefited from therapy through BetterHelp. It's convenient and based on the millions of glowing reviews and ratings, there's a reason people keep coming back or going back, I should say. Plus, as the largest online therapy provider in the world, take that, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of fuck. BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. I was about to be like expertise.
和 BetterHelp 聊聊吧。我们的听众在 betterhelp.com/mssp 首次订阅可享九折优惠。网址是 betterhelp.com/mssp。
Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/mssp. That's better,help.com/mssp.
更好的帮助。
The help with the better.
哦，是的。各位，这非常非常非常重要。请来 Ocean Casino Ocean Casino Resort。抱歉，我之前只说了一次 Ocean Casino，他们希望我说 Ocean Casino Resort。
Oh, yeah. Guys, this is very, very, very important. Please come to Ocean Casino Ocean Casino Resort. Excuse me. I think I put Ocean Casino one time, and they they want me to say Ocean Casino Resort.
我将于 2025 年 8 月 16 日在新泽西州大西洋城与大家见面。一定会非常精彩。
I will be there 08/16/2025, Atlantic City, New Jersey. It's gonna be a very good time.
一定会很热闹。
It's gonna be a hoot.
一定会很嗨，兄弟。刚比完赛就直接来演出，场面会很劲爆。所以，你到时候会在吗？8 月 16 日？
It's gonna be a blast, man. Fresh off the race right to the show. It's gonna be pretty nasty. So While you're there, August 16?
嗯哼。马特，我那天会在密歇根州大急流城的 Van Andel Arena。
Mhmm. Matt, I'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan at the Van Andel Arena.
我的一个兄弟，我觉得，会去查查谁在说话
One of my bros, I think, is gonna see who's talking about
太棒了。还有，8月8号我会在路易斯维尔，9号圣路易斯，15号底特律，16号大急流城。来吧。
it. Sick. Also, August 8, I'll be in Louisville, August 9, Saint Louis, August 15, Detroit, sixteenth, Grand Rapids. Come on.
然后8月23号，密尔沃基要嗨翻了。我们要席卷中西部。
And then August 23, Milwaukee's gone wild. Taking Midwest by storm.
可能会带上，可能会带上LaMaire，看看能不能让他开场，兄弟。
Might bring might bring, LaMaire, see if he can open up the group for him, dude.
对啊。你说得对。你有阿拉巴马重击者的料吗？
Yeah. You're right. You got some deets you got some deets on the Alabama Slammer?
上面写着——好吧。上面写着有些人在——他们在拦河船。是一群人在浮筒船上拦住了河船，河船派了些人下去——有人对那艘船做了下流手势。然后那艘船
It says okay. So it says some guys were holding up the boat on they're holding up the the riverboat. It was a bunch of guys on a pontoon holding up the riverboat, and the riverboat sent some guys down the there was obscene gestures sent towards the boat. And then the boat
派了——谁在河船上？
sent Who was on the riverboat?
我觉得就是那家伙。
I think that was the guy.
我觉得那就是重击者。
I think that was the slammer.
我觉得那就是被椅子砸的家伙。是船夫。哦。对。因为等等。
I think that was the guy who got hit with the chair. It was the boatman. Oh. Yeah. Because wait.
等等，不是船员……船员呢？
Wasn't the crew didn't the crew Wait.
等等，我不——
Wait. I don't
你们最近看过阿拉巴马猛击视频吗？没有。他们把保安推了，然后保安打了Bobby Shmoopers。他的头就——
have you guys seen the Alabama slammer video in a while? No. They pushed the security guard, and then the security guard hits the Bobby Shmoopers. There's his head up with
——跟这家伙，然后摆架势，像在毕业典礼上。我看到一个中东保安最近被个黑人彻底打爆了。是周二。不对。
this guy and then squares. Something like he's at graduation. I saw I saw a Middle Eastern security guard get absolutely just crushed by a black guy recently. It was Tuesday. No.
其实是周一。就在第六街闲逛，一个年纪稍大的黑人老哥牵着只超小的小狗。我拐过去就听见他对保安吼，因为保安好像想摸他的小狗。他说：‘要不我去摸你他妈的女儿？你觉得你能摸我的狗？’
Monday, actually. Was just, like, walking around on Sixth Street on Monday, and a guy is, like, older black dude had a, like, a just a tiny puppy on a leash. And I came around the corner to him screaming at the security guard because the security guard, I think, attempted to pet his puppy. And he goes, how about I touch your fucking daughters? You think you touch my dog?
“要不我去摸你他妈的女儿？摸你老婆？摸你所有表亲？”然后——
How about I touch your fucking daughters? Touch your wife? Touch all of your cousins? And he
小狗？他真打算去摸那只小狗？
is puppy? He was gonna fucking try to touch that puppy.
对啊。他四处张望，像在说“你们听见了吗？”我就站着等，心想：靠，这太离谱了，就听着。
I know. He was, like, looking around for support. Like, you guys hear what I'm saying? I I kinda just, like, sat around just waiting, damn, this is fucked up. Just kinda listen.
你保持中立。
You're main neutral.
我就是瑞士。我不知道他们会不会打起来。那家伙也挺壮，我心想：靠，兄弟。
I was I was Switzerland. I I was kinda like, I didn't know if they're gonna fight. This guy was pretty jacked too, I was like, fuck, dude.
天哪，那只小狗被打了。
Might God, the puppy was jacked.
我可能得把那只小狗从战斗中带走，以防它受伤然后逃跑。是的。他可是……
I might have to take that puppy out of the battle just in case the puppy gets hurt and just run away. Yeah. He was the
然后他把那个……等等，他在这里打架，他打赢了……
And then he beat the wait. He fought here. He beat
把他揍了一顿。他只是冲他狂吠，骂他是恋童癖，因为那人先说要碰他的孩子，我觉得这挺有意思。不过那家伙确实戴着一副滑稽的眼镜，所以他就说，看看这个该死的恋童癖，你能拿我怎么样？
him up. He just he was barking at him, calling him a child molester after he said he would touch his kids, which I thought was kind of interesting. But the guy did because the guy did have funny glasses on. So he's like, look at a fucking pedophile. What are gonna do about it?
他一直在挑衅对方打架，而那家伙只是敷衍地回：行，行，行，兄弟。
He's trying to goad him into a fight, and the guy was just going like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man.
第六街应该配保安，你肯定会被这种事烦死。
You should've security on Sixth Street. You must get hit with that.
他就说，酒店保安就坐在那儿……
He was like, hotel hotel security just sitting
一整天。
All day.
在太阳底下晒着。有人说，真搞笑。哦，小狗。
Baking in the sun. Some guy was like, funny. Oh, puppy.
这会是个温馨的时刻。
This will be a nice moment.
对。我会猥亵你的孩子。
Yeah. I will molest your children.
被人叫恋童癖。
Got called a pedophile.
那家伙先跟我说他会猥亵我的孩子，然后又说，对，你是恋童癖。我就说，行吧。对。他就这么糊弄过去，一直说，对，对。
After the guy told me he'd molest my children, then he's like, yeah, you're a pedophile. I was like, okay. Yeah. He he just played it off. He kept being like, yeah.
对，对，兄弟。那家伙还说，对，有种你来啊，怂货。我就说，哥们，这鬼地方真他妈难熬。
Yeah. Yeah, buddy. And the guy was like, yeah, do something about a pussy. And I was like, dude, this is a tough fucking hell.
第六街真恶心。
Sixth Street's so gross.
对。那天热得要命。
Yeah. It was it was like hot.
太恶心了。外面热爆了。兄弟，喜剧俱乐部的空调一坏——对，那绝对是一场灾难体验。
So gross. It was so hot out. Man, when the air conditioning breaks in the comedy club Yeah. It's a recipe for a fucking negative experience.
他可能走了。他大概是早场——
He probably left. He's probably the early show He's
可能还在那儿。靠。把他的
probably there. Shit. Took his
T恤脱了，走到外面，说，去他妈的，兄弟。去他妈的。
shirt off, went outside, was like, fuck this, dude. Fuck this.
我跟你说，兄弟。
I I'll tell you this, man.
我最近看了电影《间谍同盟》。
I saw the movie Allied recently.
有人看过这部吗？布拉德·皮特和一个性感的法国女人？没有？超好看。
Has anybody ever seen this as Brad Pitt and a hot French lady? No. It was wonderful.
他们干了啥？
What did what did they do?
真的超棒。我只给你讲开头。就是那个《盗梦空间》里的性感法国妞，你还有印象吗？
It was so good. I'll just give you the beginning, though. This is so it's the hot French lady from inception. You remember her at all?
有点印象，嗯。
Kind of. Yeah.
反正你看到她就懂了。他们俩都是间谍，二战时期在卡萨布兰卡，得假扮夫妻。兄弟，这简直是终极美梦场景。
She anyway, you saw her, you'd like it. But they they're both spies and they're in Casablanca in World War two. What? And they have to pretend to be husband and wife. So probably it's, dude, it's fucking dream scenario.
听着像《史密斯夫妇》，你看过
It sounds like mister and missus Smith. Did you ever see
那个吗？看过。
that? Yeah.
但感觉比史密斯夫妇更酷。
But it's like a cooler version of mister Smith.
挺酷的，我非常喜欢。
It's kinda cool. I liked it a lot.
太棒了。
That's awesome.
我很惊讶。
I was surprised.
兄弟，你应该考虑一下拍一部——我知道你拍够了，但或许拍一部像《浓情巧克力》那样的。你应该拍一部浓烈的爱情片。
Dude, you should think about doing a I know you're all filmed out, but maybe do like a chocolat. You should do like an intense romance film.
我正这么想呢。
I was thinking about that.
真的吗？
Were you really?
哦，是啊，那会很棒。我只需要在镜头前做爱。
Oh, yeah. That would be nice. I just need to make love on camera.
我就是这个意思，这就——
That's what I'm saying. That's
太爽了。
So sick.
来场浴缸激情戏？
Do the bathtub sex scene?
把一个女人平放在正中央。
Centrally laying a woman down.
那太爽了。你应该花那么多钱。应该花
That'd be so tight. That you should just so much money. Should spend
花太多钱，我可以把我所有的钱都用来拍
so much I can use all my money and make like
你就像个多伴侣的酷哥，像个科技圈的潮人，整部电影都在跟女人上床。真的。最后
You poly chuck a lot. Like, you're just like a cool guy in tech with poly, and you just have sex with women the entire movie. True. And in the end
我就该砸大钱拍一部《五十度灰》，我一鞭子抽下去就早泄，整部片
I should just spend a ton of money making 50 shades of gray where I prematurely ejaculate. The whole hit her with one whip and go,
哦，操。操。哦，操。
oh, fuck. Fuck. Oh, fuck.
别他妈告诉任何人。
Don't fucking tell anyone.
那太好笑了。整部电影里你越来越有钱，也越来越能睡女人。
That'd be so funny. The whole time you just get richer and richer, you just keep getting more and more pussy.
早泄越来越快。你开始操男人。
Just keep prejacking faster. You start fucking guys.
对。那其实会是一部很酷的电影，讲郊区换妻的人陷得太深，最后老公开始搞基。因为我觉得换妻就是这样。大家都说“打爸爸生活”，但我猜最后你会开始搞基。
Yeah. That would be a cool that actually would be a cool movie about, like, suburban swingers who get so deep in the scene that the husband starts doing gay stuff. Because that's kinda I think that's what happens when you swing. Everyone's like, dad beats life, but I'm pretty sure you end up doing gay stuff.
还有一件事。
There's one more thing.
没错。我觉得你正身处其中。你正和一个来自佛罗里达的52岁女人上床。你觉得这再好不过了，然后一个六岁的小孩亲了你的屁眼。
Exactly. I think you're just in the mix of it. You're having sex with, like, a 52 year old lady from Florida. You're like, this couldn't get any better. And then, like, a six year old guy kisses your butthole.
是啊，换妻就像
Yeah. Swinging is like
换妻真恶心。
Swinging is disgusting.
对啊，伙计。这他妈
Yeah, man. It's fucking to
去他妈的换妻派对。
go to fucking swinger parties.
给我一杯。等等。
Give me a single. Wait.
他只是在打保龄球。拉梅尔只是在打保龄球。他说看看那顶帽子。他戴着公牛
He's just bowling. Lamair's just bowling out. He's saying Look at the hat. He's got the bulls
出来了。脚上的电子脚环。
out. The knee bracelet.
他在发信号呢，伙计。是啊。把Rolling Stagg带进换妻派对可真够疯狂的。
He's sending the signals out, dude. Yeah. Rolling Stagg to a swingers party is pretty wild.
是啊，我从没去过。
Yeah. I've never gone.
我想被宰一顿。
I wanted to get ripped off.
你湿了。你你……
You've wet. You've you've
我被宰了。对，我被坑了。
I got ripped. Yeah. I got ripped off.
你至少尝试了。
You made the attempt.
你湿了？对。
You've wet? Yeah.
你那是密尔沃基疯狂夜。对，我们几年前在那儿，你因为想干点啥差点惹麻烦。
You've It's Milwaukee gone wild. Yeah. We were at that Years ago where you got in trouble for trying to.
哦，对。啥？我可没想干嘛，就是……抱歉。对，我忘了。
Oh, yeah. What? I wasn't trying to do anything, but, like Sorry. Yeah. I forgot.
当时有个派对，我能说多少？就是……
There was a party, and it was how much can I say? It was
我记得，那就像个酷酷的可乐派对，你试图搞那种典型的换妻动作，比如……
It was like a I remember this. It was like a cool Coke party, and you try to start, like, bringing in, like, the typical swinger move being like,
我们是什么，换妻俱乐部吗？不，不，不，不。
what are we, like, swingers here? No. No. No. No.
你在一个酷酷的可乐派对上？
You're at a cool Coke party?
对。在后院，就像是……是这家伙和他老婆。我觉得我在跟那男的聊天。
Yeah. And in the backyard, it was like a it was this guy and his wife. I think I was talking to the guy.
我当时想，兄弟。你在……
I was like, dude. You were in the
就是……那是他们家。你在跟那男的说话？对。因为我说，兄弟，你太酷了，兄弟。你像头公牛。
were just It was their house too. You were talking to the guy? Yeah. Because I was dude, you're fucking cool, dude. You're like a bull.
呃。因为他在跟别的女人说话，他老婆就在旁边。我就想，这也太酷了。
Ew. Because he was talking to other ladies, like his wife was around. I was like, that's fucking cool.
那他说啥？说“我老婆允许我踏出家门”？
And what did he say? Said, my wife's letting me fucking out of my house?
不是。他们只是……没把我赶出去。布拉德把我赶出去的。
No. They just they didn't kick me out. Brad kicked me out.
哦，是在费城？对。酷酷的可乐派对在费城？对，对。
Oh, it was in Philly? Yeah. Cool Coke party in Philly? Yeah. Yeah.
我本来想……
I was trying to be
笑死人。你在人家家里把那人比作一头公牛。
a hoot. You called the guy a bull in his own house.
是在谁家吗？是那座房子？在后院。
It was at someone's house? Is it the house? Was out back.
是在后院。
It was out back.
离俱乐部近吗？不。好吧。
Close to the club? No. Okay.
他在一个哥们儿的家里，那哥们儿跟他老婆都在，你夸他说，你大概会背着你老婆偷腥，兄弟，你太他妈酷了，你太酷了。
He was in a guy's house, and the guy was there with his wife, and you complimented him on being like, you probably cheat on your wife, dude. You're so fucking cool. You're so cool.
太棒了。你大概
That's awesome. You're probably
是头公牛。真他妈恶心。早上五点半。
a bull. That's fucking disgusting. 05:30 in the morning.
对不起。如果你想我可以剪掉那段。你只会听到
I'm sorry. I can cut that out if you want. All you hear
鸟儿在清晨叽叽喳喳，然后你就像，你睡过多少别的姑娘？太他妈酷了，兄弟。我能看看你的老二吗？
of the birds chirping in the mare being like, how much do fuck other girls? That's so fucking cool, dude. Can I see your dick?
靠。那简直是一场噩梦。站在对面，嗨得跟吸了可卡因似的，然后有人跟你说，你大概背着你老婆偷腥，兄弟，太棒了。
Damn. That's like that's such a nightmare. Being on the other end of that, just high as shit on Coke and someone be like, you probably cheat on your wife, dude. That's awesome.
我靠，这家伙是谁？我到底在干嘛？
The fuck. Who is this guy? What what am I doing?
这段太棒了。还有谁跟你一起？是我们。
This part is awesome. Who who else was with you? It's us.
哦，GT。它
Oh, GT. It
也是你。
was you too.
对。Nathan在吗？
Yeah. Was Nathan there?
不在。King Cobb。
No. King Cobb.
King Cobb。
King Cobb.
King Cobb当时在。
King Cobb was there.
靠，是啊。阵容真强。对，所有好哥们都在。
Damn. Yeah. It's a good squad. Yeah. All the all the buddies were there.
不错。
Nice.
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靠。
Damn.
我也是早上六点左右被赶出来的。我已经准备好回家了。
I also got kicked out at like six in the morning. I was ready
准备回家。真的。是啊。Gardini，你们几个，就猛攻Gardini？小小的
to go home. True. Yeah. Gardini, you guys, you're just crushing Gardini? Little
狠毒玩法？是啊。
vicious play? Yeah.
是啊。一点点窒息玩法？
Yeah. A little suffocation play?
他怎么就成国王了，就躺在
How is he a king just laying
红衣主教身上？Gardini刚才就是在舔屁股。
on cardinal? Gardini was just ass worshiping.
舔屁股。等等，等等。你是怎么被赶出来的？是暴力赶人还是
Ass worshiping. Holy wait. How did you get kicked out though? Like, was it aggressive or was it
不是。挺平静的，Brad走过来对我说，嘿，兄弟，我觉得你得走了，我们该离开了。我说，行吧。
like No. It was quite Brad came up to me and he was like, hey, man. I think you gotta go. It's time for us to leave. I was like, alright.
好的。就这样。我说，我现在就叫Uber。然后我就等着。
Cool. That was it. I was like, I'm ordering an Uber right now. And I just waited.
哎呀，早上六点呢。六点。你可能已经准备好出发了。
Dang. 6AM too. 6AM. You're probably ready to roll.
我已经准备好出发了。
I was ready to roll.
是啊。那个那个早餐三明治真是
Yeah. That's that's breakfast sandwich was
完美
the perfect
被赶走的最佳方式。被赶出派对的完美时机。早上六点。是啊。还不如让我自己走呢。
way to get get kicked out. Perfect time to get kicked out of a party. Six in the morning. Yeah. Might as well just let me leave on my own.
是啊。你懂的？是啊。
Yeah. You know? Yeah.
哦，酷可派对。那些那些可以持续很久。
Oh, cool Coke party. Those those can go.
是啊。你说得对。
Yeah. You're right.
想看看你挥杆。
Would like to see you swing.
我也想
I'd like
看你玩交换。我觉得我们所有人里，你最扛得住这种摇摆。
to see you swing. I think I think out of all of us, you could handle the swing.
心理上，我觉得你最能承受。
Mentally, I think you could handle it the best.
不。真的吗？不，我不觉得。
No. Really? No, I don't think so.
我会受不了。什么事会让你崩溃？
I think it would bother me. What would get you down?
我会想，你是不是爱他胜过爱我？
I'd like, you you love him more than me?
又不是跟你老婆。靠，兄弟。你还是会产生感情，你是这意思？
It's not your wife. Shit, dude. Still you would catch feelings you're saying?
兄弟，别闹了，兄弟。会的。
Dude, come on, dude. Yeah.
你会动感情。
You'd catch feelings.
对。在
Yeah. At the
酷酷的可乐派对，换妻派对。
cool Coke party, swinger party.
酷炫的可乐换伴派对。对。
The cool Coke swinger party. Yeah.
显然，坦帕湾才是热点。坦帕湾据说是美国的割包皮之都。
Apparently, Tampa Bay is where it's at. Tampa Bay is apparently cut capital of The United States.
对。坦帕和亚利桑那。对吧？亚利桑那。凤凰城、斯科茨代尔，我觉得。
Yeah. Tampa and Arizona. Right? Arizona. Phoenix, Scottsdale, I think.
我能理解。
I could see that.
对，对。我觉得新泽西也是。新泽西？真的？
Yeah. Yeah. I think New Jersey too. New Jersey? Really?
我不
I don't
确定。对。哪
know about that. Yeah. Which
一部分？哟，肖恩就是新泽西人。
part? Yo. Sean's from New Jersey.
哦，对。真的。
Oh, yeah. True.
我不知道。你你觉得意大利人会喜欢那个吗？
I don't know. You you think Italians would like that?
是啊，兄弟。当然。怎么了？
Yeah, dude. Of course. What?
意大利人天生领地意识很强，他们不会喜欢那样。
Italians are very territorial in nature. They would not like that.
他们可能只是聚在一起，把别人的老婆揍一顿，顺便换换老婆。
They probably just, like, get together and, like, beat other guys' wives instead. Little wife swap.
是啊。
Yeah.
搞什么鬼？这意式通心粉吃起来像水泥一样。对，不知道。
What the fuck? This manicotti tastes like fucking cement. Yeah. Don't know.
你不会觉得你爸妈在新泽西是换妻俱乐部吧？我爸妈绝对不是，没错。
You you don't think your parents were swingers in New Jersey? My parents were definitely not swingers in New Jersey. That's correct.
现在空巢了。
Empty nesters now.
也不算，他们那儿人来人往挺热闹的。
Not really. They got a lot of people coming through that mess.
我只是说，Sean，我爸妈还没空巢，但你爸妈已经空巢了。我只是想说，你可以劝他们，如果想尝试新鲜，现在正是时候，那会很棒。
I wish you be upsetting. Sean, my parents aren't empty nesters yet, but yours are. And I'm just saying you should, you know, you should be like, guys, if you wanna experiment, now's the time. That would be nice.
你就给他们写封……手写信吧。
You should just give them a yeah. Like, maybe a handwritten letter.
对啊。你就直接说，伙计们，这
Yeah. Just be like, guys, it's
真是太好了，伙计们。我爱你们。现在家里没人。也许你们该开始尝试一些你们从未做过、却一直想做的事。
so nice ago, guys. I love you. No one's home now. Maybe you guys should start experimenting and doing things you've never, you know, you always wanted to.
对啊。把关系稍微开放一点。就这样。
Yeah. Open the relationship up a little bit. That's all.
对啊。你应该建议他们开放关系。
Yeah. You should suggest they open the relationship.
然后你可以和你爸一起用‘契约之眼’，接着
And then you could do covenant eyes with your dad. And then
你和你爸就能一起看黄片了。
you and your dad could share porn.
我宁愿不要
I'd rather not
去想这些东西。他会剪掉的。我们永远不会知道。永远不会知道。剪掉这段。
think about this stuff. He's gonna edit this out. We'll never know. We'll never know. This out.
这……不。我是说，你
That's No. I mean, your
爸妈会觉得这很好笑。
parents would think this is funny.
我们能尊重一点吗，Taylor？他们超爱这些的。你好。
Can we be respectful about it, Taylor? They love this stuff. Hello.
你知道吗？而且，显然，我们之后会把这段剪掉。是的。我们不想
You know? And, obviously, we'll unfortunately edit this out. Yeah. We don't
不用剪。我
have to edit. I
喜欢他们的父母。我不想让他们难过。
like the parents. I don't want them upset.
不，听着，我只是说给他们一个选择。他们可以不这么做，只是给他们一个选择。
No. I look. I'm just saying that give them the option. They don't have to do it. Just give them the option.
对，我想让他们生气，但真不想让他们兴奋。
Yeah. I wanna make them angry, and I really don't wanna make them horny.
对，我
Yeah. I
不想让他们产生任何想法。但你确实提过，你也说过，你说“如果我爸妈也尝试一下，会不会很酷？”真的假的？我当时想，啥？
don't want them to get any ideas. But you have talked about it. That's also that's like, you've brought this up where you're like, wouldn't it be cool if, like, my parents experimented? No shit. I was like, what?
你当时醉得不行，我觉得你不记得了。
You were hammered. I don't think you remember.
对，你醉得离谱。你还打了电话，打了电话，说了那事。
Yeah. You were so drunk. Called You called called it.
你就说，
You're like,
“我要给我姐打电话，看她怎么想。”我就说，Sean，Sean，别
I'm gonna call my sister and see what she thinks. I was like, Sean, Sean, don't
说话。对。我们说了不行。你们恶心死了。
talk Yeah. We said no. Y'all nasty as hell.
就Josh，就Josh。
Just Josh and just Josh.
就Josh，就Josh。好吧。你们还想聊什么？
Just Josh and just Josh. Alright. What else do you guys wanna talk
除了我们爸妈是开放式关系？
Besides our parents being poly?
我们有Nate Zest的证据。
We have proof of Nate Zest.
那也太狠了。什么证据？之前都是闹着玩，但这有点过了。什么证据？对。
That's a mean thing to bring up on. What what's the proof? It's all been fun and games up to here, but that was a little too far. What's the what's the proof of the zest? Yeah.
我们前几天在酒吧拍到的照片。你在洛杉矶把老二掏出来，躺在地上露着老二？
The photo evidence that we got from the pub the other night. When you took your penis out in Los Angeles and laid on the ground with your penis out?
发生了什么？
What happened?
不，不，是从那些人力车上。我不知道那算不算确凿的人力车证据。哦，天啊。
No. No. From from the the rickshaws. I don't know if that's the correct rickshaw evidence. Oh, Jesus.
什么
What
人力车证据是什么？
was the rickshaw evidence?
就是坐在男人腿上，在人力车上尖叫，还挥着手臂。不，是挥着手臂
Just sitting on guys' laps on a rickshaw screaming with his arms. No. With his arms
在鸡蛋上？我坐在
at the egg on? I'm sitting
男人腿上，可是
on guys' laps, but
百分之百是坐在
it's A 100% on
男人腿上。
guys' laps.
Matt，看起来我好像坐在
Matt, it looks like I'm sitting on
男人腿上。兄弟，Nate，你自己承认那晚的事完全不记得了，而我们又有来自可靠来源的照片和视频证据。
guys' laps. Dude, Nate, you admitted that you had no recollection of the evening, and then we have photo video evidence from a trusted source.
各位，我们当时都玩得很开心。
Guys. Like, we were all having fun.
你太棒了。
You were great.
毫无疑问，坐在大腿上。
Without a doubt, on the lap.
没坐大腿上。
Not on the lap.
那是整晚最大的遗憾。你早上醒来，心想：天啊，我本可以坐在那家伙的大腿上。
That was the biggest regret of the night. You woke up in the morning. You're like, god. I could've sat on that guy's lap.
你坐了两个男人的大腿。你把屁股分开——那俩是谁？一人一边屁股。
You sat on two guys' laps. You split the cheeks on Who were these guys? Got a cheek.
哦不，是Redman。
Oh, no. It was Redman.
是Redman，还有我们的哥们Chris。时机完美。我们可以拿到录像，让观众们自己判断。
It was Redman. Redman and our buddy Chris. And they it was a perfect timing. We can get the footage. We can get We can let the viewers decide.
最伤的是——手臂压在吧台栏杆上。录像看起来……
The thing that hurt the thing that hurt was the arms on the the bar. The footage looks
不，不。
No. No.
画面看起来糟糕，但那是因为我
The footage looks But that's because I'm
坐着尖叫。我身子前倾，尖叫。
sitting Screaming. I'm sitting forward. Screaming.
我坐在边缘。
I'm sitting edge.
身子往前倾。
Shitting forward.
所有人都把我踢出去了。所有人都把我踢出去了。这些家伙跟汤米上了一辆车。你和托尼自己单独开了一辆。嘿。
Everybody banished me. Everybody banished me. These guys hopped in one with Tommy. You and Tony had your own private one. Hey.
嘿。
Hey.
伙计们回忆得真开心。好反击，真是好反击。哦，天哪。
Guys are good remeriscing. Good counter. It's a good counter. Oh, man.
你把我跟红队还有另一组人一起送走，我只能挤在他们中间。但画面看起来很差。
You sent me with Red Band and another unit, and I just had to squeeze in between them. But the footage looks bad.
他们就爱坐那些该死的黄包车。我讨厌死了。坐上去的时候挺好玩，但之后，兄弟，大家都看见你了。是啊，你被拉着穿过整个镇子。
They love taking those fucking rickshaws. I despise it. That was It's fun while you're on it, but then, dude, people see you. Yeah. You're getting carted through town.
真他妈丢人。我……红箱子。该死，你把我……
It's fucking embarrassing. I'd be The red bin. Damn. You got me
还有那辆意大利条纹人力车。
with the the Italian striped rickshaw.
那确实不错，我承认。你这个该死的同性恋混蛋。我不想
That was nice. I'll give you that. You're a fucking gay ass fuck. I don't
做了。拿到了
wanna do it. Got the
贱人。把那个贱人叫过来，兄弟。你非得让我当贱人。好吧。行。
Bitch. The bitch over, dude. You had to make me a bitch. Alright. Yeah.
玩笑开够了
Enough joking around
关于那个。表演结束。
about that. Bits over.
表演完了。
Bits done.
这他妈的太操蛋了
That's so fucking fucked
了，兄弟。简直疯了。就这样把我卖了。太离谱了。把那些衬衫还给我。
up, dude. That's crazy. Throw me under the bus like that. That's crazy. Give me those shirts back.
你知道的
You know
打算怎么办？你
gonna do? You
他妈的蛇，兄弟。就在你以为没事的时候，兄弟。
fucking snake, dude. Just just when you think, dude.
我知道。我知道。
I know. I know.
他妈的给我来了个反向急转。我现在就去拿视频。
Fucking hits me with the reverse zest. I'm getting the video right now.
对。确实。我得看看那视频。我得看看那视频。
Yeah. True. I gotta see the video. I gotta see the video.
我不知道我有没有他的号码。我
I don't know if I have his number. I
想做
wanna do
到底有没有他的号码？没有。红人？我
Do have his number? No. Red man? I
想做他们应该搞个能让你像战车御者那样站着的那种。那就爽了，可以站着。那绝对是最直的“人力车”了。像战车御者那样站着。你手里有，嗯，缰绳。
wanna do a they should do them where you can stand up like a charioteer. That'd be nice where you could stand. That would be the straightest Rickshaw you can do. Stand up like a charioteer. You get the you have, like, reins.
你可以稍微
You can kinda
对，稍微把他拉回来一点。
Yeah. Rein him back a little.
趁他过去的时候拍他屁股一下
Smack the guy in the ass while he's gonna
我们可以在那儿拍点素材。
We can get some footage in there.
对，现在得回看录像。谁拍的来着？红发红本。哦，用元宇宙眼镜砸你一下。
Yeah. Now we gotta review the tape. Who filmed it, by the way? Red Red Ben. Oh, hit you with the meta glasses.
有
There's
你就说是AI生成的。你就说是AI生成的。
You should claim AI. You should claim AI.
哦，兄弟，那肯定是深度伪造。
Oh, dude. That's gotta be deep fake.
他之所以在拍，是因为当时有四辆黄包车。
He was literally filming because there was, like, four rickshaws.
对。
Yeah.
对，他在拍我，我就说：兄弟，别拍了，别录这个。
Yeah. He was filming me, I was like, dude, stop film like, don't film this.
对，你得打码
Yeah. You gotta redact
把镜头转过去时，内特正好
turned the camera around, Nate was just
看起来是第一人称视角。这不是相关信息——那并不是关键信息。
it looked POV. It was It's not pertinent inform that's not pertinent information.
看起来是第一人称视角。
It looks POV.
你得把你的录像打码处理。
You gotta redact your tape.
最糟糕的是，我知道红带根本不记得那画面有多难看。他就像——他把那段素材调出来，就像
The worst part is I know Red Band didn't remember how bad it looked. Like, he pulled the he pulled the footage up like
我以为
I thought
他在撒谎。
he was lying.
不，他确实在撒谎。
No. He he was lying.
你试过
You tried
不，他没撒谎。
no. He wasn't lying.
你明显坐在他们腿上。我不是想——
You're clearly on their lap. I'm not trying to
他还想否认，说什么“我没坐在他们前腿上”。结果Redman刚好走过来，说“我有录像”。他——
And he tried to deny it. He was like, wasn't sitting on their front lap. And Redman just happens to walk over and be like, I have footage of it. He
他确实说了。然后他就把录像调出来了。
did say that. But then he pulls up he pulls up the footage
然后他就——
and he's
想快进。但当他切到那个很糟糕的角度时，我看到他像在说：‘我靠，这下抓到他了。’
trying to scroll through. But when he hits the the angle that looks bad, like, I see him go like, holy shit. I got him.
这看起来——这看起来……你会看到，没有其他角度，你的屁股不可能放在别的位置。我——
This looks this looks You'll see like there's no other angle. There's no other possible place for your ass to have I'm
我跟你说。
telling you.
太明显了，Redman都说：‘哎呀，我是不是不该把那段视频给所有人看？’别——他从来没——
So obvious that was like Red Bin was like, oh, I feel bad. Maybe I shouldn't have showed all the guys that video. Don't He literally never
见过——他——
seen He
他走过来对我说，告诉内特我很抱歉，我不是故意那样出卖他的。
came up to me. He's like, told Nate I'm sorry. I mean to throw him under the bus like that.
他走到我面前，好像是因为他知道我并没有坐在他腿上，但那段画面太毁灭性了。
He came over to me. It was like because because he knows I wasn't sitting on his lap, but it's devastating footage.
你为什么一直说
Why do you keep saying
如果
that if
我们看过那段视频？
we saw the video?
你坐得更高吗？
Are you elevated at all?
没有，我们基本上是平齐的。不过我身体前倾坐着，所以我不确定。这也算不上——我在找借口，这辩护很糟糕。
No, we're kind of we're on an even playing field. I'm sitting forward though, so I don't know. That's also not I'm being it's a bad defense.
我是这么看的。
Here's what I'll say.
如果我身体前倾，我应该会稍微高一点。
If I'm sitting forward, I should be a little higher.
他们肩膀——有两个人坐着，肩膀碰在一起。他没别的地方可坐。他们的肩膀并没有在你后面，所以他肯定得留出空间让你……
Their shoulders there's two guys sitting. Their shoulders are touching. There's nowhere else for him to sit. Their shoulders aren't behind you, so he you had to have room to
终于能来一下了，靠。
get to hit this. Damn.
他自拍拍得够久的。
His selfie's taking a while.
我刚才穿着衬裙给他跳膝上舞呢。
I was giving him a lap dance with a with a petticoat.
那一路颠得跟过山车似的，怪不得你到酒吧的时候整个人都蔫了。
And that was a bumpy fucking ride. Damn. No wonder you were all tuck it out when we got to the bar.
我才没蔫，是你他妈——
I wasn't tucking up. Was fucking You
你就是蔫了
were tuck
整个人都垮了
it out.
你他妈直接睡着了，我都累瘫了
You fucking fell asleep. I was fucked.
我真睡着了？
Did I
直接在……睡着了
fall asleep at
酒吧？
the bar?
对。我确实记得，伙计们，我记得你们在酒吧里睡着了。
Yeah. I You did, fellas. I I do remember you were asleep at the bar.
等等。我在酒吧睡着？是你们给我下药了，就是你们干的。
Wait a minute. Me sleeping at the bar? You guys drugged me. You guys did.
你给了
You gave
我两个座位。
me the two seats.
他们把你抬上床了？
They put you to bed?
把你……呃，他前一秒还站在凳子上大喊大叫。我转头一看，他已经……我就说，好吧，内特得走了。
Put you to Well, he was a a minute before he was asleep. He was standing on a stool screaming. And I look over and he was I'm like, alright. We Nate's unk's gotta go.
他差点跳着舞出了酒吧。正跳着呢，就撞开门摔到巷子里去了。
He almost danced out the bar. Was on his dance, He hit the door into the alley.
那真是太……太精彩了……
That was a good That was a good That
太他妈搞笑了，我的天。
so fucking funny. Oh my god.
是啊，真的，他们把你弄睡着了，直接把你累趴下了。
Yeah. Yep. For real, though, they they put you to sleep. Fucking tuckered you out.
没事，但这打击太大了。
That's fine. That's devastating.
看起来太惨了。
It looks so bad.
我们等等，等那段录像。
We'll wait we'll wait for the footage.
录像我正在剪呢。
The footage is I'm working on the footage right now.
谢谢。在那之前……
Thank you. In the meantime
你会看到录像的，嗯。
You'll see the footage. Yeah.
那就……在那之前，去看电影《同盟》，真的。
That's. In the meantime, go watch the movie Allied. True.
我不会剧透的，这是一部……
I'm not gonna give you any spoilers. It's a
很棒的电影。
great film.
你一定会喜欢。别看简介，别读剧情介绍，直接看电影。
You're gonna love it. Don't look into don't read the description. Just watch the movie.
好，我不看。我就——我就这样。
Yeah. I won't. I'll just That's what I
我就是这么做的，我当时——
did, and I was I was
那才最棒。
That's the best.
我隔了好多年才这样。
I did one of years.
结果惊喜连连。有反转和转折吗？多得很。是的，非常多。
You got pleasantly surprised. Is there twists and turns? Plenty. Yes. Plenty.
我就这么干的。转折。需要一些精彩的反转——
I did that. And turns. Need some good twists
和转折。而且是最火辣的情节设定。就像你被安排和一位女士搭档，必须假扮夫妻。你们住在一起，邻居都在盯着。
and turns. Also the hottest possible scenario. Just like you're paired with a lady, you have to pretend to be husband and wife. You live together. The neighbors are watching.
我们现在就得亲一下。也许我们应该——
We have to kiss right now. Maybe we should
上床。什么？他直接——他直接让她怀上了宝宝。
have sex. What? He hit him BP hit her with the baby
等一下播放。酷，宝贝。
one second play. Cool, babe.
她当时说，我们非得做这个吗？
She was like, we gotta do this?
是啊。兄弟，有录像吗？
Yeah. Dude, footage?
我能先看一下录像吗？
Let's can I review the footage?
我们有视频。
We have the video.
正在加载中。
It's loading right now.
正在加载。
It's loading.
什么鬼？有多少？
What the fuck? How many?
录像。这可是铁证如山的录像。
Footage. It's damning footage.
哦，这感觉就像
Oh, it's gonna be like
就是很差。我真不敢相信你居然否认这一点。
It's just bad. This is I can't believe you're denying it.
6K，会是6K的素材。
Six k. It's gonna be six k footage.
6K的雷德蒙录像带。
Six k Redmond tape.
雷德蒙录像带。雷德曼录像带。
The Redmond tapes. The Redman tapes.
你看，这画面差得没话说。我做不到。
It's it's look, the footage is undeniably bad. I can't.
我无话可说。确实，我无话可说。
I can't. That's fair. I have no argument.
该死。我知道，但我当时确实在搞些不太正经的事。
Dang. I know but I know I was up to no zesty activities.
你现在可能有2.0版本。
You might have the two point o right now.
什么，什么是
What's what is
肝脏之王被抓到用类固醇了。你可能有个8.2.0版本。
The liver king got caught with steroids. You might have an eight two point o.
是啊，你换个人设吧，直接重新包装。
Yeah. You're a different guy. Just rebrand.
你可能已经做到了
You might have it
彻底重新包装，兄弟。尤其是在洛杉矶那些火辣指控刚出炉的时候。
totally rebrand, dude. Especially fresh off the zesty allegations in LA.
所以我才这么说，因为他
That's why said it because he
知道他是怎么坐在黄包车上颠来颠去，胳膊搭着栏杆大喊大叫的。呜——
knows he's how he lap sitting on a rickshaw bouncing around. Arms on the bar screaming. Whoo.
我靠，兄弟。呜——
Fuck, dude. Whoo.
然后到处跳舞，在桌子上跳舞，跳啊跳。
And then dancing around, dancing on table dancing. Dang.
你们
You guys
把我
took me
丑态毕露
ugly head
在吧台外面。
out on the bar.
我是不是踩到那个了？
Did I stand on the I
坐在凳子上。哦，原来是
sit on the stool. Oh, was
压坏了。我被压坏了。
crushed. I was crushed.
你那样做了两次。你刚刚
You did that twice. You just
我为了他压坏了凳子。他跳
did I was crushing stools for him. Jumped
下来。那太吓人了。
down. That was scary.
真厉害。他
That's impressive. He
从上面跳下来，我当时想，天哪。
jumped off the I was like, oh, man.
被撞了。我
Was hit. I
小心
Watch
注意。对，它们可能会把你踢开。
out. Yeah. They can kick out from under you.
三首《Free Bird》循环播放了三次
Three free bird three times in a Free bird on
你们接管了达阵庆祝？
You guys took over the touchdowns?
《Free Bird》单曲循环。
Free bird on repeat.
太他妈爽了。
So fucking sick.
真不错
It's good
晚安。这招真漂亮。
night. A nice move.
是啊。有人投诉了。关于三首《Free Bird》？谁——关于音乐循环播放？谁是
Yeah. There were some complaints. About triple Freebird? Who the About the music on repeat? Who are
谁会投诉三首《Free Bird》？
we complaining about triple Freebird?
他们无能为力。没有。
There was nothing they could do. No.
是啊。说真的，用Boost在TouchTunes上点歌可能是我最喜欢的事情之一，就是彻底霸占一台点唱机，然后把整个夜晚毁掉，太爽了。我觉得Donovan的《Atlantis》是干这事儿的绝佳选择。
Yeah. It's the boost in your touch tunes is honestly might be one of my favorite things in the world is completely commandeering a touch tune and ruining it ruining everybody's night. Awesome. A good song for that. I think I said it before with Donovan, Atlantis.
一个六十年代的英国佬，唱什么“在前世界里，曾有亚特兰蒂斯”，然后整首十三分钟的歌都在讲亚特兰蒂斯的传说，太他妈搞笑了。
Just an English guy from the sixties be like, in there in the former world, there was Atlantis, and he just it's like a thirteen minute song, where he just, like, talks about the legend of Atlantis. It's so fucking funny.
不错。我跟你说过那次我们接管了——当时有个家伙在一家破破烂烂的酒吧里独自吃意面，我们就开始放《When the Moon Hits You》，然后一直放意大利歌。
That's nice. I told you that time we took over the there was just a guy eating spaghetti at a really shitty dive bar. We started playing when the moon hits you. Right. We just kept playing Italian songs.
他一个人坐在机械酒吧的吧台前吃意面，太惨了，简直抑郁。
He was by himself eating spaghetti at the bar in mechanics. It was terrible. Was so depressing.
要是有人给我放意面BGM，我会嗨翻。
I'd be pumped if someone hit me with the spaghetti soundtrack.
他都没注意到，但我们在
Even notice it, but, we're
放超大声的
hitting a
意面BGM。本期《Matt和Shane的秘密播客》由Dude Wipes赞助。
loud spaghetti soundtrack. This episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes.
你有没有在别人家马桶里留下屎痕？有，每次都这样。
Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah. Every time.
是啊，每次都这样。整整一周都在搞，简直一团糟。
Yeah. Every single time. Yeah. Did it all week. It's fucking disaster.
我今天早上真的把碗给刷了。对，太疯狂了。这没啥问题，真的。
I left a I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah. It was crazy. There's nothing wrong with that. No.
算是……
Was a Well,
刷碗。你出门会多带内裤吗？多带多少？用得上吗？基本一天多带一条。
paint job. Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it? Pretty much an extra pair per day.
对，永远多带内裤。所以我估计我老是在拉裤子。
Yeah. Always bring extra underwear. Yeah. Yeah. So I guess I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.
我以前可能……
Yeah. I used to probably work
你们到底想问啥？你擦屁股是站着还是坐着？有区别吗？兄弟，这啥情况？这些人有多饥渴？
you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on, dude? How horny are these people?
他们到底想知道啥？
What do they wanna know?
站着擦肯定有啥说法。说实话，我是站着擦的。坐着擦会糊开，我做不到。
There's gotta be something about standing up, though. Like, I I'm a stand up wiper, honestly. Sitting down, I just smears it. I don't know. I can't do it.
马特，不管你咋擦，是时候给你的菊花点尊重，升级用 dude wipes 了。dude wipes 轻松搞定脏乱，可冲散设计让清理超简单。它们不留任何“小葡萄”或屁屁碎屑，普通厕纸可能漏掉的那种。加大尺寸专为成人设计，再也不用卷纸卷到天荒地老，也不用将就凑合。
Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your b hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes tackle the mess without any fuss, and the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus they're extra large and designed for adults. So no no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe.
Dude湿巾，裤子一脱就干净。这帮人真的超搞笑。亚马逊，亚马逊和全美主要零售商都有卖。你拿到视频了吗？
Dude wipes, best clean pants down. Available these guys are really funny. Amazon, it's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. You got the video?
今晚可能是吐口水之夜，今晚可能是我家的吐口水之夜。
Tonight might be spitting night tonight might be spitting night at my house.
真刺激。
That's exciting.
是啊，我其实很兴奋。
Yeah. I'm actually gonna pumped on that.
没发出去
Didn't go through
这他妈是视频吗？
is this fucking video?
我这边只看到阿拉巴马河滨的斗殴，阿拉巴马河滨。
The only thing I see here is the brawl of the Alabama River the Alabama Riverfront.
哦，天，光膀子的白人被打败在河滨。
Oh, man. Shirtless whites defeated on the riverfront.
对，光膀子的白人。
Yeah. The shirtless whites.
我去，兄弟。想象一下从阿拉巴马斗殴回家，还得穿上那件“生活真美好”T恤。看吧，全是
Dang, dude. Imagine going home from getting the Alabama brawl you gotta put on your life is good T shirt. Watch it. It's all
新闻上都在播，大家都在庆祝，天啊。
over the news. People are celebrating. Goddamn.
我的天呐。
My goodness gracious.
等等，如果在你手机上，就直接拿给马特看。
Wait. If it's on your phone, just show it to Matt.
好，好，让我先……
Yeah. Yeah. Let me just
让大家都看看……
And let everybody get
好好
a good
看看这个护膝支架，这里……
look at this knee brace and Here
来了。
we go.
哦，你也在听思维说唱吗？好吧，没关系，快进磁带。
Oh, Are
你也在听思维说唱吗？好吧，没关系，快进磁带。
you listening to the thought rap too? Okay. That's alright. Let's see. Fast forward the tape.
K，我是贾斯汀。
K. This is Justin.
最糟糕的是，兄弟。哟，他还能坐在哪儿？
Worst part of it, man. Yo. Where else could he be sitting?
我坐着呢。
I'm sitting.
我坐着呢。
I'm sitting.
我坐着呢。
I'm sitting.
他们的肩膀都碰一起了，就一条长凳。
Their shoulders are touching. There's one bench.
我坐得挺远的。其实，现在看起来比刚才好点了，对我来说。好吧。
I'm sitting so far. Actually, it looks better, like, a little bit now to me than it did. Okay.
我真是太
I'm so
你是说他们的膝盖呈V形张开，而你坐在最边上是吧。
You're saying their knees are v'd out and you're on the tip of Yeah.
他们的膝盖呈V形张开，我坐在最边上，但视频糊了。
Their knees are v'd out and I'm in the tip of the thing, but the video's damned.
你就在最前面。你停了吗？哦，
You're on the tip. Did you pause? Oh,
我害怕。是啊。我是说，这
I'm scared. Yeah. I mean, it's
他在跳舞。
He's dancing.
哦，兄弟。我没在跳舞。
Oh, bro. I'm not dancing.
我就在他后面。他们超爱，兄弟。兄弟。他们喜欢你玩得开心。这很好。
I'm just behind him. They love it, dude. Dude. They love that you're having fun. That's nice.
你
You
刚才有点像给他来了个壁咚抖臀。
kinda gave him a walley a little bit.
我来了个啥？
I get a what?
壁咚抖臀。就是有人靠墙站着，你就对着他扭屁股。
A walley. What is that? When you just someone leans against the wall and you just twerk on them.
扭、扭、扭、扭、扭。
Quirk, quirk, quirk, quirk, quirk.
这是“Dang”，太糟了。
This is Dang. That's bad.
我会的
I will
我想说，我会说这事仍有争议，但它并不，你
say I will say it's still up for debate, but it doesn't, you
懂的。我愿意相信你们相信我，我没有坐在两个男人的大腿上。
know. I like to believe you guys trust me that I wasn't sitting on two men's laps.
我确实相信，而且他露营了
I do believe And he camped
穿过六三。
through six three.
我觉得，尽管这种可能性很诱人，但我确实认为他们的膝盖已经撑不住了，而你正坐在座位的最边缘。
I think as as tantalizing a possibility as that is, I do think their knees were beat out and you're on the very edge of the seat.
向前看。
Looking forward.
视频损坏了。昨晚我开始冒汗。哦天。嘿，这曝光时发生了什么？
The video is damaged. It was a I started sweating last night. Oh my. Hey, what did when this came out?
录像。
Footage.
啊？什么？
Yeah. The what?
小三轮车正好相反。
Petty cab was the opposite.
直得跟什么似的？
Straight as hell?
我们全都坐得下，没人得坐别人腿上，而且我们一路都在大声尖叫。
We could all fit. Nobody had to sit on any laps, and we just screamed really loud the whole time.
我朋友们把我放逐了。你们为了赶时间把我丢下。我们本来应该在一起的。
My friends banished me. You guys abandoned me for timing. We were supposed to be together.
抱歉。所以你就先走了。嗯，本来可以打车的。嗯。
Sorry. So you lapped up. Yeah. Coulda Ubered. Yeah.
我们本来可以打车的。那是我提的建议。
We coulda Ubered. That that was my suggestion.
啥？
What?
我就是这么说的。我当时说，咱们他妈的打个车吧。这破三轮车穿城而过。
That was what I was saying. Was like, let's fucking Uber. This rickshaw through the city.
是啊。那些玩意儿确实……而且它们开得太他妈快了。
Yeah. Those things are kinda and they drive so fucking they ride so fast too.
在上面的时候确实挺好玩。
It's fun when you're on there.
是啊，我想我确实会这样。
Yeah. I guess I do.
只要放手就行。
Just gotta let go.
我有一次带着孩子坐，我就直接说，喂，能不能请你他妈的慢一点？我不需要你提前两分钟把我送到。拜托慢点，兄弟。你开得像个疯子。不过，确实挺酷的。
I did one with my kids and I was like, yo, can you please slow the fuck down? I I don't need you to get me there two minutes faster. Please slow down, dude. You're driving like a fucking maniac. But yeah, it would be cool.
要是你孩子不在车上，那就好玩了。我当时带着两个小孩，那家伙就在自行车前面猛踩刹车。我心里想，兄弟，慢点行不行？你又不是在比赛。我可不会觉得“哇，太酷了”。
If your if your kids aren't on, that'd be fun. I had like two little kids and he was just like jamming his brakes in front of bikes. I'm like, bro, slow the fuck down. You're not winning. I'm not gonna be like, this is so cool.
那家伙飞一样地开，差点撞到——兄弟，那些行人就……
This guy's flying. We almost hit like dude, the pedestrians got
还紧贴着汽车。
Right next to cars too.
对啊，而且直冲行人。真的，兄弟，你到底想干嘛？我猜你是想多挣点钱吧。
Yeah. Yeah. And it's like right at pedestrians. Yeah. It's just like, bro, what do you I mean, I guess you're trying to make that money.
ACL 期间那些家伙赚得可多了。一晚上能挣他妈的一千块，挺爽的。
Those dudes get paid during like ACL. Those dudes will make like fucking thousand bucks a night. It's kind of tight.
得把你弄出去，梅斯。对，搞辆青柠滑板车，再挂个小拖车。
We gotta get you out there, Mace. Yeah. Get a lime scooter and just attach a little chariot.
是啊，那些东西也能越狱。你可以给Lime滑板车越狱，它们简直飞起。
Yeah. You can jailbreak those things too. You can jailbreak lime scooters and they fucking rip.
我越狱过一辆吗？飙到差不多40迈。哦，兄弟。
Did I want to jailbreak one? Hit like 40 on it. Oh, man.
干就完了。
Do it.
你骑那玩意儿挺溜啊。
You are nice on those things.
我玩得可开心了，哥们。
I have I have a good time, dude.
真不敢相信你还没摔过。
I can't believe you haven't really tumbled yet.
我一直在摔啊。
I've I'm always tumbling.
你会有一次惨烈的翻车，总有一天会惨烈翻车。
You have, like, a devastating tumble. There's gonna be a devastating tumble one of these days.
我在印第安纳波利斯摔过一次。我喝醉了，骑着滑板车拐弯，直接摔了，头朝下屁股朝天，整个人横着滚了出去。
There's they I had one in Indianapolis. I've scooted I was drunk. I scoot around the corner. I just fucking fell, and I went head over ass. I just went, like, sideways roll.
靠。
Damn.
天啊，那一定很好看。
God. That must have been so nice to see.
哦，是啊。我身上有一道疤，从这儿开始，当时我从Frasier家滑滑板回家，想跳上路缘，结果摔了——我靠，什么鬼
Oh, yeah. And I got a scar from here when I tried to I was I was, again, scooting from Frasier's to my house, and I tried to jump a curb. I just I fell What the fuck
谁给你的勇气去跳路缘？跳下去？
made you think you could jump a curb? Jump off
还是跳上去？我差点就成功了。往上跳。想跳上去——
or up? I was close. Up. Was trying to jump up Up. A
所以你只是把前轮抬起来，然后底板蹭到了？
So you oh, you just lifted the front, scraped the bottom.
就差一点点。没跳过去。之后一群人在那儿笑我。
Just a little bit. Just missed it. Bunch of guys were laughing at me after that.
是啊，肯定得试试跳路缘。
Yeah. Definitely. Gotta try to jump a curb.
我就是个滑来滑去的疯子，对。
I'm a fucking skitter. Yeah.
而且我得让它疼。
And I need it to hurt.
你真的伤得不轻。
You're getting really hurt.
你应该把一只脚踩上去，就能把它弹起来。对，但那挺冒险的，兄弟。
You should've plant you get if you plant one foot, you could probably pop it up. Yeah. But that's risky, dude.
我确实看到了。
I did I did see this.
你是全速冲上去的吗？哇，兄弟，太疯狂了。
Did you do full speed on it? Yeah. Oh, dude. That's crazy.
我当时开得很快。
I was going fast.
它们的刹车很灵敏。我偶尔还会骑到我家门口。我老婆在外面，我就骑到我们街区然后“嗖”地过去。天啊，你能不能别这样？
Squeerel the brakes on them is nice. I'll do I'll, like, pull up to my house on them every now and again. My wife will be outside, I'll just get to our block and go, eat. Oh my god. Will you stop?
对，它们很棒。Lime滑板车简直绝了，兄弟，我爱死它们了。很多人真心说：我碰都不碰那玩意儿。
Yeah. They're nice. Lime scooters are the shit, man. I love those things. A lot of people are, like, genuinely, like, I don't touch those things.
我。
Me.
真的？我还以为我很喜欢它们呢，兄弟，太好玩了。我骑它们去母舰。
Really? Yeah. I thought I love them, man. They're so fun. I ride them to the mothership.
骑过去，再抓一辆骑回来，爽爆了。
Ride them there, grab one, ride it back. It's awesome.
哇，太疯狂了，那可是很长的路。
Yeah. That's crazy. It's such a long drive.
大概3.4英里吧。对，挺远的。戴耳机，兄弟，耳机里炸着音乐。
It's like 3.4 miles. Yeah. It's a lot. Headphones. Dude, headphones in blasting.
简直他妈爽爆了。从我家到那儿一路上有好几个点，大概三处能飞起来，就那种怪地方，你懂的，像——
It's fucking it's the best. There's there's, like, a couple on the route from my house there. There's, like, three spots I can get air. Just, like, weird shit. Know, like, the
去演出的路上还能飞树坡？
tree air on the way to the show?
必须的。你知道那种树根把人行道顶得乱七八糟的地方吗？有一个特别棒。哦兄弟，靠近墓园那儿有一个，简直绝了。
For sure. If there's, you know, like, tree roots, like, fuck sidewalks up? There's there's one really good one. Oh, dude. Near the cemetery, there's one like it's so fucking good.
靠，在墓园前面起飞。
Damn. Getting air in front of the cemetery.
笑死。
So funny.
冲坡。到场却表现拉胯。
Bombing. Showing up and not doing good.
给那些再也飞不起来的人表演起飞。
Getting air for all the people who are dead. They can't get air anymore.
对，不敬？其实是致敬。
Yeah. Disrespect. It is out of respect.
那当然。
For sure.
在墓地前面腾空真是太他妈爽了
Hitting air in front of a cemetery is fucking
而且那里有很多像车道一样的地方，有个路缘，它会翘起来。你可以狠狠地——对，在那些地方腾空。我很久没滑板了，我一直在——我一直在渴望腾空的感觉。
And a lot of like the there's like driveways, there's a curb where it's like, it kind of goes up. You can fucking nail the it's yeah. Getting air on those things. I haven't skateboarded in a while. I've been fucking I've been fiending for air.
我们——嗯，肯定有办法让你腾空。
We yeah. There's gotta be a way for you to get air.
我要重新开始滑板了。我的膝盖——膝盖现在好多了。
I'm gonna skateboard again. My knee my knees are like better now.
我不会拿大赛去冒险。确实。
I wouldn't risk it with the big race. True.
对。我想我得保持专注。对。我不能他妈的腾空。我不能腾空太多。
Yeah. I guess I gotta stay focused. Yeah. I I can't fucking get air. I can't get too much air.
要是受伤了就不能参赛，那比输掉比赛更严重。
Get hurt and you're not allowed to participate, that's a bigger than losing.
那就完了。
It's a no.
对。确实——嗯。
Yeah. It's bit yeah.
那就是输了。对。到时候只能说：‘哦，其实我做不了了，各位。’
That's a loss. Yeah. Happened to be like, oh, actually I can't do it, guys.
你的家人对比赛感到兴奋吗？
Is your family excited for the race?
我觉得他们没那么在意。我是说，他们会……
I don't think they care that much. I mean, they'll I
不过我觉得，越临近比赛
think the closer it gets, though
他们就越在意
Closer they get
我会超级兴奋的。
I'd be so excited.
是啊。去看比赛会特别有趣。
Yeah. To watch it, it'll be so fun.
我会特别开心。
I'd be so happy.
我可能会用GoPro把整个过程都录下来。
I might get I might GoPro the whole thing.
不管怎样，这都是一场胜利。
Either way either way, it's a victory.
确实。
True.
不管谁赢，另一个人都会……对，那场面肯定疯了，肯定超精彩。要是你输了，那才最搞笑。
Whoever wins, it's the other person's gonna be Yeah. It's gonna be crazy. It's gonna be awesome. Beat you, it's that'd be the funniest.
我会全力以赴。我会……当然，八周冲刺。
I'll go all out. I'll I'll Of course. Eight week sprint.
对，你会为它拼命。
Yeah. You'll die for it.
对，没错。我就是觉得我们其中一个人可能会因为这场竞赛累垮。
Yeah. Exactly. I I I just feel like one of us might die from the race.
最好的情况是你早早领先，然后直接结束比赛。真的。如果比分接近，你们可能会跑出四分钟一英里。不，你们……
I'm best case scenario would you take an early enough lead that you can just it's over. True. If it's close, you guys are gonna run you guys might run a four minute mile. No. You
会全力冲刺。你们就是……跑赢峡谷。我记得一英里的纪录好像不到四分钟。对，太离谱了。
be sprinting. Guys are Just beat the canyon. I think the record for a mile is like sub four minutes. Yeah. It's pretty fucked up.
你知道环法自行车赛全程2100英里吗？对，我之前真不知道。
Did you know the Tour de France is 2,100 miles? Yeah. I didn't know that.
我不知道精确数字，但我知道那很疯狂。
I didn't know it was exactly that. I knew it was like it's insane.
我刚知道。起点在意大利，然后一路骑到法国。我还以为就80英里，我当时想，那也挺厉害了。
I just learned that. It starts in where it starts in Italy and goes into France. I I thought it was like 80 miles, which I'm like, that's an impressive ride.
要分好几天。
It's multiple days.
兄弟，是啊。就像，就像他妈的一个月，他们骑2100英里，从I I穿越
Dude, yeah. It's like, it's like a fucking month and they ride 2,100 miles crossing from I I
我他妈的才不在乎环法。
don't give a fuck about the Tour de France.
我也不在乎。我不
Neither one. I don't
一点都不喜欢。
like it at all.
直到昨天我骑了3英里自行车，我才开始关心。真的。
I didn't care until I rode my bike yesterday, three miles. True.
我还没
I haven't
好久没骑自行车了。太爽了，太带劲了。是啊。尤其是我现在什么都想计时。
ridden a bike in forever. It's about sick. It's so tight. Yeah. Especially when like all I'm all about tracking times on everything now.
所以我当时就在计时，然后我就想看看环法怎么样。然后我就想，什么鬼？
So I was, like, tracking my time, and I like, let me see what Tour de France is up to. And I was like, what the fuck?
他们骑得飞快。
They're going fast.
兄弟，他们上坡快得跟屎一样，而且，兄弟，2100英里啊。
Dude, they they go fast as shit up hills, and it's, dude, 2,100 miles.
两千。他们全都嗑了药，兄弟。你为什么不呢？这就是你陷进去的原因。这就是你陷进去的原因，伙计。
Twenty hundred. They were all juke, bro. Why wouldn't you? That's why you're getting into it. That's why you're getting into it, dude.
药效正在接管我的大脑。
The juice is taking over
你终于发现弗洛伊德·兰迪斯嗑的是什么了。药。宾夕法尼亚州兰开斯特的骄傲。
my brain. You're finding out what Floyd Landis was on. Juke. The pride of Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
你从健身房回来花了多久？你该查查你的配速。
How long did it take you to get back from the gym? You should check your times.
查查你的配速。
Check your times.
我查了。大概三英里，20……差不多十五分钟。不算好。全程上坡。我的成绩烂透了。
I checked them. It was three miles about, like, 20 it was, like, fifteen minutes. It wasn't great. My time was all uphill. My time was fucking trash.
三英里二十七分钟。我能跑二十七分钟一英里。太不可思议了。抱歉，其实还不错。
Three mile times, twenty seven minutes. I can do running twenty seven minutes through a mile. That's incredible. Sorry. It's not bad.
真的挺好。九分配速。
It's really good. Nine minute mile.
对，就是三个九分配速。你该去跑马拉松。
Yeah. That's three nine minute miles. Yeah. You should run a marathon.
我不行，兄弟，我跑不了那种超长距离。膝盖直接报废。而且跑步会狂降睾酮。所以只……真的，确实会降，哥们。
I don't dude, I can't do, like, super, like, super long miles. My knees just get shattered. I'd have and also running crushes your t. So only yeah. It does, dude.
很有道理。
Makes a lot of sense.
确实如此。
It does.
这是一个
It's a
为女孩奔跑的女孩。
girl running for girls.
没错。但除非你练举重和冲刺，我冲刺。
It is. But unless you lift and sprint, I sprint.
对。冲刺。那是高睾酮。冲刺是你能拥有的最高睾酮运动。
Yeah. Sprint. That's high t. Sprinting is the most t you can have.
冲刺就是高睾酮。冲刺太疯狂了。冲刺一英里。我想，我希望能够，不是冲刺
It's sprinting is high t. Sprinting's crazy. Sprinting in mile miles. Trying to, like, I wanna be able to like, not sprint
一英里。冲刺真的太好笑了。
a mile. Sprinting is so fucking funny.
冲刺太搞笑了，兄弟。而且也很好，因为那里有些人是认真跑步的。
Sprinting's hilarious, dude. And it's nice too because there's people there who run, like, seriously.
是啊。
Yeah.
你做冲刺跑的时候，直接把他们甩在身后，我觉得这让他们挺不爽的。因为那儿有个跑团。我某个周六去了，那儿有个跑团。有个家伙看起来像是队长。
When you're doing sprints, you blow past them, and I think it kind of pisses them off. Because there was a running club. I was there one Saturday, and there was a running club. And there was like the dude was like the he seemed to be like the captain.
跑团其实就是个大型约炮俱乐部。不过——
Running club is just a full sex club. But
完全
it's completely
奥斯汀的跑团纯粹就是为了互相上床。
The Austin running clubs are literally just to fuck each other.
对，我是说，没错。
Yeah. I mean, yes.
嗯。
Yeah.
确实。现场全是肌肉男和辣妹，但我们当时在练冲刺。
For sure. It was literally just jack dudes and babes, but we were doing sprints.
肌肉男和辣妹，对，这儿到处都是。
The jack dudes and babes. Yeah. Nonstop here.
哦，我知道。当时挺逗的，因为——
Oh, I know. It was it was funny because there was
然后你就嗖地超过去了。
And then you're just blown by them.
因为他们就是那种人，一边热身一边慢悠悠的，然后你直接冲过去，他们还在说：兄弟们，等会儿我们要冲刺，你们想一起吗？我就想：兄弟，我们已经跑完了，歇会儿吧。真的。
Because they're the one guy which is like they're, like, doing warm ups, and then it's like you blow past them and like, guys, we're gonna do sprints after this. You wanna do it? It's like, bro, we're done. Like, chill. Yeah.
抱歉，我他妈直接超了你，把你甩得远远的。
Sorry. I fucking passed you. I blew you out of
搞什么鬼。
the fuck.
我们才不——
We're not
再比了，兄弟。我早就赢了。
gonna race, dude. I already won.
你不是——但那天真的搞笑，因为是跑步俱乐部。
You're not but it's the it was funny because that day, it was the running club.
比赛我已经赢了。
I already won the race.
对，我是说——
Yeah. I I mean
显然你想重赛，我刚刚在所有人面前把你虐惨了。
Obviously, you wanna rematch it. I just humiliated you in front of all the bitch.
结果他其实只是在热身，我觉得他只是想客气点。说实话，我当时跟朋友吐槽：兄弟，他肯定气炸了，我们直接超了他，那家伙现在肯定恨死我们了。
But then he was just like warming up. I think he was just being nice. Honestly, I was I was with my friend just being like, dude, he's so pissed. We blew past him. That guy's so fucking mad at us right now.
但基本上分成了三组：跑步俱乐部那帮精瘦的家伙，然后跟我一起的那俩哥们都是典型老爸身材，再就是一群超级胖哥们。我们跟那群超级胖哥们混得挺好，因为我们都会冲刺——超级胖哥们
But then there was three heats pretty much because there was the running club shredded. And then the dude I was with were both just like kind of dad bod. And then there was like super fat dudes. And we were vibing with the super fats because we would sprint Super fats
他们也在跑步俱乐部？
were in the running club?
不不，他们只是刚好在那儿。
No. No. They were just there.
他们就在走路。
They're just walking.
纯超级胖哥们俱乐部。
Just a super fat club.
在草地上吃草呢。
Grazing.
我不该叫他们超级胖。超级胖哥们俱乐部……他们其实
I shouldn't call them super fat. Super fat club was They were
就在内场悠哉地吃草
pretty grazing on the infield. They
是挺敦实的，但我们互相加油，因为我们会冲刺，他们也开始跟着冲刺了。
were pretty chunky, but we were cheering each other on because then we would sprint, and they started doing sprints.
这也太低级了。
That's low too.
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