作者朗读：我嫁给了地铁上的心动对象

互联网文化如何重塑世界各地的成人仪式？

How is Internet culture shaping coming of age rituals around the world?

'跟我一起准备'视频如何触达新受众？

And how are get ready with me videos reaching a new audience?

你好。

Hi there.

我是伊莎贝拉·罗塞里尼。

I'm Isabella Roussellini.

在欧莱雅集团最新一期《这不是美妆播客》中，我们通过一位伦敦科技记者和一位准备十五岁成人礼的墨西哥少女，了解到美妆如何塑造互联网生态。

In the latest episode of this is not a beauty podcast from L'Oreal Group, we learn about how beauty is shaping the Internet from a London based tech journalist and a Mexican teenager preparing for her quinceanera.

立即在您喜爱的播客平台收听。

Listen now on your favorite podcast platform.

我是《纽约时报》的安娜·马丁。

From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.

这里是《现代爱情》。

This is modern love.

佐伊·费什曼曾有过一次强烈的心动。

Zoe Fishman had a big crush.

她无法停止想念在地铁上频繁遇见的那位可爱男生，这份思念甚至持续了数年之久。

She couldn't stop thinking about this cute guy she kept seeing on the train, and she actually kept thinking about him for years.

她始终有种预感——他们命中注定要在一起。

She just had this feeling that they were meant to be together.

请听佐伊朗读她的文章《那个让我心碎的地铁暗恋》。

Here's Zoe reading her essay, the subway crush who crushed me.

我们相遇在近十四年前某个周六早晨的地铁上。

We met on the subway on a Saturday morning nearly fourteen years ago.

这次相遇其实酝酿已久，因为他作为我的地铁暗恋对象已有六年之久。

And our meeting had been a long time coming because he'd been my subway crush for about six years.

我在纽约二十出头时的公寓派对上见过他一两次，那种派对上总能看到打开的玉米片袋子摊在台面上，廉价烈酒和红色塑料杯，还有在浴室或咖啡桌上进行的非法活动。

I'd met him once or twice at those early twenties apartment parties in New York, the ones with open bags of tortilla chips on counters, cheap liquor and red solo cups, and illicit activity happening in the bathroom or right on the coffee table.

他曾和我同事拉娜约会，后来分手了，但他依然在我们圈子里若即若离。

He'd been dating my coworker, Lana, and then he wasn't dating her, but he was still around, just out of sight and out of reach.

我非常喜欢他。

And I liked him a lot.

他叫罗南，但我和朋友们都叫他那个以色列人。

His name was Ronen, but to me and my friends, was known as that Israeli guy.

几个月后，他又有了地铁心动男生的称号。

And then months later, he was known as Subway Crush.

我有时会在早晨去布鲁克林卡罗尔花园站上班的路上遇见他。

I would see him sometimes in the morning on the way to work at my stop in Carroll Gardens in Brooklyn.

当F线列车进站时，我总在隔开我们的水泥柱另一侧局促不安。

I would fidget on the other side of the concrete pole separating us as the f train pulled up.

然后在人群散开时偷偷看他。

And then I would watch him when the crowds parted.

他个子很高，黑头发。

He was tall with black hair.

留着胡子，有双大手。

He had a beard and these big hands.

在地铁上他总是听音乐。

And on the subway, he listened to music.

会看书，我从没见过他身边有其他女性。

He read, and I never saw him with another woman.

后来大约过了六年。

Then roughly six years passed.

有时几个月过去都见不到他人影。

Sometimes months would go by and he would disappear.

偶尔，我会故意和其他男生一起坐地铁，希望我暗恋的那个地铁男孩能看见我和别人在一起。

Occasionally, I would ride the train with some other guy and hope my subway crush would see me with him.

他从未注意到。

He never did.

我也从没在附近街区遇见过他，尽管他显然就住在周边。

I also never saw him in the neighborhood, even though he clearly lived nearby.

当我和雷南在那个宿命般的周日终于相遇时，我的声音都在发抖。

When Renen and I finally met that fateful Sunday, my voice was shaky.

当时他和我的前同事拉娜在一起，还有一位后来才知道是她新婚丈夫的男子。

He was with my old coworker, Lana, and a man who turned out to be her new husband.

是雷南撮合了他们。

Renen had set them up.

拉娜走过来向我打招呼，雷南也跟了过来。

Lana came up to me and said hello, and Renan followed.

我大声说道：'我经常在地铁上看到你'，声音大得有些过分。

I said, I see you on the subway all the time, way too loudly.

他说：'我也经常看见你'。

He said, I see you all the time.

他的笑容像灯泡般瞬间点亮了整个脸庞。

And his smile brightened up his face like a light bulb.

我被那光芒照得眯起眼睛，也回以微笑。

I found myself squinting as it shone down on me, and I smiled back.

一周后，我们开始了第一次约会。

A week later, we went on a date.

六个月后，我搬进了他家。

Six months later, I moved in.

一年后，我们订婚了。

One year later, we were engaged.

一年后，我们结婚了。

And a year after that, we were married.

我简直不敢相信我的直觉如此准确，关于雷南的一切都被我言中了。

And I couldn't believe I'd been right and that my intuition about Renan had been so spot on.

然后宇宙就狠狠给了我这个自以为是的人一记耳光。

And then the universe punched me right in my smug, dumb face.

八年时光和两个可爱的儿子之后，罗南从我们在乔治亚州迪凯特的家出发去上班，却再也没能回来。

Eight years and two beautiful sons later, Ronen left for work from our home in Decatur, Georgia, and never came back.

那天他脑部的血管突然破裂，陷入昏迷后再也没有醒来。

During the day, blood vessels suddenly ruptured in his brain and he fell into a coma that he never woke up from.

一周后，他离开了人世。

Then a week later, he died.

那颗英俊的头颅里，那灿烂笑容的背后，原来一直埋藏着定时炸弹。

Inside that beautiful head, behind that megawatt smile, had been a ticking time bomb.

那是动静脉血管畸形，一种容易出血的罕见血管异常纠缠。

It was an arteriovenous malformation, which is a rare tangle of abnormal blood vessels prone to hemorrhage.

没有人预料到这一切。

No one saw it coming.

我当然更没有。

I certainly hadn't.

我从未想过雷南可能早上还在身边，下午就永远离去了。

The thought had never entered my mind that Renen could be here one morning and be gone by that same afternoon.

葬礼当天，气温接近100华氏度，烈日炙烤着心碎的人群。

The day of the funeral, it was near 100 degrees and the sun beat down on the heartbroken crowd.

后来父亲对我说：我从没见过这样的送葬队伍。

Later, my father would say to me, I've never seen a crowd like that.

简直像是肯尼迪总统的国葬场面。

It was like JFK's funeral or something.

事实正是如此。

And it was.

亲友们从世界各地赶来致哀，始终无法相信雷南会遭遇这样的悲剧。

Friends and family had flown in from all over the world to pay their respects, not quite believing that this kind of tragedy could happen to Renan.

他是那种能为所做的一切赋予生命活力的人。

He was the kind of man that gave sparks of life affirming energy to everything he did.

而我站在那里，一手牵着五岁的孩子，两岁的宝宝坐在我膝上吮着棒棒糖。

And there I was, holding the hand of our five year old with our two year old sucking a lollipop on my lap.

儿子们不停喊着'Ima、Ima'，这是希伯来语'妈妈'的意思。

My sons kept saying, Ima, Ima, Ima, which is the Hebrew word for mother.

雷南是'Abba'（爸爸），我是'Ima'（妈妈）。

Renan was Abba and I was Ima.

我们就是这样相处的。

That's how we worked.

我完全不明白究竟发生了什么。

I wondered what in the world had happened.

我从未预料到会有这一天。

Never in a million years did I foresee this.

这与我童年经历毫无相似之处，我找不到任何参照。

It had no resemblance to my childhood, and I had nothing to compare it to.

我究竟该如何成为单亲母亲？

How on earth was I going to be a single mother?

他们的父亲怎么可能就这样离开？

How could it be that their father was gone?

我知道时间会继续流逝。

I knew time would keep going on.

我们都会慢慢变老，但雷南将永远停留在44岁。

We'd all hopefully age, but Renan would be 44 forever.

我们马上回来。

We'll be right back.

《纽约时报》应用里有很多你可能没见过的内容。

The New York Times app has all this stuff that you may not have seen.

我可以立即找到符合我心情的内容。

I can immediately navigate to something that matches what I'm feeling.

所有不同板块的标签都集中在顶部这种设计。

The way the tabs are at the top with all of the different sections.

这样浏览起来更方便。

It's just easier to navigate that way.

每个人都能找到自己感兴趣的内容。

There is something for everyone.

那些个性化页面，比如YouTube。

Those personalized page, the YouTube.

那个是我最喜欢的。

That one's my favorite.

我也可以在这个区域轻松保存文章。

I can also save my articles easily in this area.

在署名下方写着：如果你想听这篇文章，请点击这里。

Right under the byline, it says click here if you like to listen to this article.

我喜欢顶部的烹饪标签很容易就能找到。

I like that the cooking tab on top is really easily accessible.

所以如果我正在回家路上想着晚餐做什么，

So if I'm on my way home and I'm just thinking, oh, what am I gonna make for dinner?

我就能快速进入烹饪板块，看看厨房里有什么食材。

I'll just quickly go on to cooking and say, oh, I've got this in my pantry.

我要试试在这里看到的这些食谱。

I'm gonna try out some of these recipes I see in here.

我总是订购游戏。

I order games always.

玩迷你游戏。

Doing the mini.

玩填字游戏。

Doing the Wordle.

我很喜欢它向我展示的丰富内容。

I loved how much content it exposed me to.

那些我从未想过要通过新闻应用获取的东西。

Things that I never would have thought to turn to a news app for.

这款应用必不可少。

This app is essential.

《纽约时报》应用。

The New York Times app.

所有资讯，一网打尽。

All of the times, all in one place.

立即在nytimes.com/app下载。

Download it now at nytimes.com/app.

两年半过去了，我仍在寻找他的踪迹。

It's been two and a half years, and I look for him.

他是那只在头顶盘旋的鹰，还是后院翩跹的蝴蝶？

Is he that hawk circling overhead or that butterfly flitting through the backyard?

我觉得都不是。

I don't think he is.

我反复做着同一个梦：他为了另一个女人离开我，愤怒让我想尖叫。

I have a recurring dream where he's left me for another woman, and I'm so angry I want to scream.

当我向朋友帕姆倾诉时，她说这可能是我的潜意识在试图用某种合理的方式解释他的缺席。

When I tell my friend Pam about it, she suggests that maybe the dream is my subconscious, trying to give me an explanation for his absence that makes some kind of sense.

但为何要在痛苦之上再添痛苦？

But why pile pain on top of pain?

难道我就不能看他身着白袍的样子吗？

Couldn't I just see him in a white robe?

他就不能给我一个他著名的拥抱吗？

Couldn't he just give me one of his famous hugs?

我宁愿那样。

I'd prefer that.

我注意到自己不再像从前那样相信直觉，但时间仿佛重置了我所有的感官。

I noticed that I don't trust my intuition like I used to, but time has pressed a sort of reset button on all of my senses.

现在我明白了直觉与预知之间的区别。

And now I understand the difference between intuition and clairvoyance.

相信你的直觉并追随内心，这就是直觉。

Trusting your gut and following your heart is intuition.

我并非先知，也从未如此自称。

I'm no clairvoyant and never claimed to be.

所以这确实有区别。

So there is a difference.

虽然我未能预见罗南的离世，但这不意味着我听不见脑海中的那个声音，感受不到胸口的悸动。

Just because I failed to foresee Ronan's death does not mean I can't listen to that inner voice in my head and that fluttering of recognition in my chest.

或许我心碎欲绝，但我仍会再次爱上罗南并与他结婚。

I may be heartbroken, but I would fall in love and marry Ronen all over again.

我愿意。

I would.

有次约会时，蕾内特对我说过一句话，至今深藏心底。

Once when we were dating, Renette said something to me that I still hold deep in my heart.

我们在南海滩观察路人时，他突然转向我说：有时我看着你，会忘记你是我女朋友。

We were people watching in South Beach when he turned to me and said, sometimes I look at you and forget that you're my girlfriend.

我想，天啊，她真美。

And I think, God, she's so beautiful.

你像个陌生人，但我意识到你并非如此。

Like you're a stranger, but then I realized that you're not.

我为此感到无比骄傲。

And I'm just so proud.

我从未听过比这更浪漫的话。

I'd never heard something more romantic.

其他男人是否这样看我并不重要。

It didn't matter if other men saw me that way or not.

重要的是他这样认为。

It was that he did.

当钢鼓奏响，粉红天空中的夕阳让我的心化作千万只歌唱的鸟儿时，他竟对我说出这样的话。

And the fact that he'd say that to me as steel drums played and the sunset in the pink sky made my heart explode into a million songbirds.

我看见了雷南和我们的儿子们，阿里和列夫。

I see Renan and our boys, Ari and Lev.

阿里七岁，和雷南简直一模一样。

Ari is seven and felt exactly like Renan.

他又高又瘦，脚掌像雪人般宽大，脚趾长得不可思议。

He's tall and thin with yeti feet and impossibly long toes.

他的脸庞和表情都像极了雷南。

And his face is Renan's and so are his facial expressions.

雷南去世时他还太小，不可能模仿那些表情，但它们却真实存在。

He was too young when Renan died to imitate those expressions, but yet here they are.

我看到了雷南好奇的眼神、傻气的笑容，以及他微笑时点亮棕色眼眸的样子。

I see Renan's look of wonder, his goofy grin, and the way his smile lights up his brown eyes.

他就在那里。

There he is.

而我的四岁儿子列夫，他长得比我更像雷南，但最特别的是他说的话。

And Lev, my four year old, he resembles me more than Renan, but it's the things he says.

雷南过去总让我抱得更紧些，他会一直说'再紧点'，直到我几乎无法呼吸。

Renan used to tell me to hug him harder, harder, he would say, until I could barely breathe.

列夫会用完全相同的语调说同样的话。

Lev says the same thing with the exact same inflection.

我们的孩子们继承了他的特质。

Our boys channel him.

他们说的话常常让我喘不过气来。

They say things that knock the wind out of me.

有一次在佛罗里达，我素面朝天地坐在朋友父母家的泳池边，浑身湿透，列夫站在浅水区望着我。

Once I was sitting poolside, bare faced and dripping in my friend's parents' house in Florida, and Lev stood in the shallow end and looked at me.

真真切切地注视着我。

Really looked at me.

他说：'妈妈，你真美。'

He said, Ima, you look so beautiful.

还有一次我给阿里哄睡时，他在我离开房间前说：'妈妈，你比想象中更美。'

Another time I was putting Ari to sleep and before I left the room, said, Ima, you're more beautiful than you think you are.

这些都不是我预想中小男孩会对母亲说的话，更别说带着这种超乎寻常的笃定。

These are not the normal kinds of things I imagine little boys saying to their mother, not with this kind of eerie otherworldly conviction.

我发誓绝对没有收买他们。

And I swear I haven't bribed them.

唯一能解释的就是雷南在借他们之口说话。

The only explanation I can come up with is Ronen speaking through them.

如果他现在能开口，如果他还在这里——像他本该在的那样——这些话正是他会对我说的。

It's what he would say to me now if he could, if he were here like he should be.

这种直觉无比强烈，我骨子里都能感受到。

Intuitively, absolutely, I feel this in my bones.

我在他们的声音里听见了他。

I hear him in their voices.

时光在我这片永远改变的土壤里，重新播下了几颗乐观的种子。

Time has replanted a few seeds of optimism in the new forever altered soil of me.

我的心依然值得追随，我感恩这份成长。

My heart can and should still be followed, and I am grateful for the growth.

如果你想听我和佐伊·费希曼的对话——本季最后一期访谈，可以在《现代爱情》播客频道收听。

If you wanna hear my conversation with Zoe Fishman, our last interview of the season, you can check it out in the Modern Love podcast feed.

这期节目非常动人。

It's a really beautiful one.

《现代爱情》由茱莉亚·博特罗、克里斯蒂娜·约瑟夫和瑞瓦·戈德堡联合制作。

Modern Love is produced by Julia Bottero, Christina Joseph, and Riva Goldberg.

剪辑工作由马克·帕加诺负责。

It's edited by Mark Pagano.

我们的执行制片人是珍·波扬特。

Our executive producer is Jen Poyant.

本期节目混音由丹尼尔·拉米雷斯完成。

This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez.

现场录音由麦迪·马谢洛负责。

Our show was recorded by Maddie Masiello.

《现代爱情》主题音乐由丹·鲍威尔创作。

The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell.

原创音乐由丹·鲍威尔和帕特·麦卡斯克共同完成。

Original music by Dan Powell and Pat McCusker.

数字制作由玛希玛·乔布拉尼和内尔·加洛利负责。

Digital production by Mahima Choblany and Nell Galogli.

《现代爱情》专栏由丹尼尔·琼斯编辑。

The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.

米娅·李是现代爱情项目的编辑。

Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.

我是安娜·马丁。

I'm Anna Martin.

感谢收听。

Thanks for listening.