#1027 - 梅尔·罗宾斯 - 战胜冒名顶替综合症的秘诀

我的意愿是知道无论发生什么，我都会没事。

Mine was to know that I will be okay no matter what happens.

我们去掉了'知道'和'那个'，就变成了'无论发生什么，我都会没事'。

We got rid of the to know and that, and it's just I will be okay no matter what happens.

这至今仍是我对安全最钟爱的定义——事情会发生，你会以从未经历过的方式吃苦头，而且是海量的，比你想象的更庞大可怕。

And it became still is my favorite definition of safety that things will happen, and you will eat shit in manners that you have never had to before, metric tons of it that are bigger and greater and more horrible and scary than you've ever done in the past.

但你能应付的。

But you can handle it.

而且，'无论发生什么我都会没事'确实是个绝妙的安全定义，我觉得这和你现在的生活处境很契合。

And, yeah, I will be okay no matter what happens is just a wonderful definition of safety, and I think is played into with what you're talking about with your life, with your kids.

是的。

Yeah.

这件事会让人受伤。

This thing's gonna hurt.

而且，是的，独自睡在房间里确实很可怕。

And, yeah, sleeping alone in the room is scary.

但通过鼓励他们或剥夺他们逃避的应对机制，你向他们强化了一个信念：无论发生什么，你都会没事的。

But by encouraging them or by denying them the coping mechanism to flee from that, you reinforce to them, you will be okay no matter what happens.

你能处理好这件事。

You can handle this.

你足够坚强。

You are robust enough.

你能应对这个。

You can deal with this.

这种对恐惧和困难事物的暴露疗法，我认为会随着时间的推移，扩展人们应对这类情况的能力。

And that, like, exposure therapy to something which is scary and difficult over time, I think, it expands people's capacities to to do this.

不过我能再深入探讨一下这个观点吗？

Can I can I double down on this, though, saying

嗯？

Yeah?

是的。

Yeah.

我我要告诉你为什么。

I I and I'm gonna tell you why.

这是个工具，所以我非常喜欢你刚才说的。

It's a tool, And that's why I love what you just said.

我立刻联想到大量研究。

And I see immediately so much research.

你指的是博士。

You're referring to Doctor.

K。

K.

你指的是其他人。

You're referring to other people.

我刚和博士交谈过。

I just was speaking with Doctor.

斯坦福大学的Aliyah Crum博士，这位研究人员做了著名的奶昔研究，证明心理状态会改变你体内的生物学反应

Aliyah Crum from Stanford who is this researcher this researcher that did the famous milkshake study that proves that the settings in your mind change the biology in your

身体。

body.

如果你相信这是一杯高热量奶昔，那你有没有看过最新发布的关于麸质的研究？

If you believe that it's a high calorie milkshake have you seen the most recent one that's just come out about gluten?

没有。

No.

先记下你的事。

Put a pin in your thing.

我必须告诉你这个。

I gotta tell you this.

好的。

Okay.

你需要读读大卫·罗布森的《预期效应》。

You need to have The Expectation Effect by David Robson.

好的。

Okay.

他会让你大吃一惊的。

He would blow your face off.

我这么说不仅因为他是英国人，而是他身上有你的影子。

I'm not just saying this because he's British, but he stinks of you.

他简直跟你如出一辙。

He absolutely reeks of you.

这话什么意思？什么叫他跟我如出一辙？

What does that mean he reeks of me?

就是说，你和他会一见如故。

Like, you and him would get on like a house on fire.

噢，我太喜欢这种

Oh, I love affinity between

你们之间的默契了。

the two of you.

那还等什么，赶紧的。

So fucking go.

他会在你的节目上大放异彩。

He he will crush on your show.

好的。

Okay.

我很想听听你们的对话。

I would love to hear the conversation.

他已经来过两次了。

He's been on twice.

他做过一期关于人格的，但第一期是关于期望效应的。

He did one about personality, but the first one about the expectation effect.

基本上就是安慰剂和反安慰剂效应。

Basically, placebo and nocebo Yes.

这种效应贯穿生活的方方面面。

Scaled across all of life.

这是最好的两个例子。

Two best examples of this.

报告麸质不耐受的人数在过去二十年里增长了十倍。

The people reporting gluten intolerances is ten x in the last twenty years.

为什么？

Why?

嗯，也许是因为我们的微生物群发生了某种变化。

Well, maybe it's that there's something about our microbiome that's adjusted.

也许是因为我们现在摄入的麸质浓度更高了。

Maybe it's that the type of gluten we have is more concentrated.

这是一种更精炼、更厉害的麸质，或者类似的东西。

It's a leaner, meaner kind of gluten or something like that.

又或许是因为过去几年对麸质的妖魔化，让人们相信它对身体的危害比实际更大。

Or maybe it could be that there's been some demonization of gluten over the last few years, and people are believing that it is worse for them than it is.

于是他们把这些经过生物检测确认麸质不耐受的人带进实验室。

So they bring people into the lab, people who are tested for biological gluten intolerances.

有些人确实如此。

Some do.

有些人则没有。

Some don't.

所有人都认为自己有。

All believe that they do.

大家都坐下来。

Everybody sits down.

每个人都得到一份餐食。

Everybody is given a meal.

每个人都被告知餐食含有麸质。

Everybody is told that the meal has gluten in.

人们开始起荨麻疹。

People start breaking out in hives.

他们冲向厕所。

They run to the toilet.

他们出现了炎症。

They've got inflammation.

他们的脸变红了。

Their face turns red.

整个建筑里根本没有麸质。

There isn't gluten in the entire building.

哦，整个建筑里都没有麸质。

Oh, no gluten in the entire building.

而这些人却出现了所有相关症状。

And these people are having all of the effects of this.

第二个研究更精彩，我觉得。

Second study, even better, I think.

有些人携带特定基因突变，一个单核苷酸多态性或一小簇突变，能让他们更高效地排出二氧化碳。

So people have a there is a particular genetic mutation, a single polymorphism or maybe a little bundle of them, which allows you to blow off c o two more efficiently.

嗯。

K.

这些人往往运动表现更出色。

These people tend to be better athletes.

他们是更优秀的耐力赛选手。

They're better endurance racers.

他们的效率更高。

They're more efficient.

他们的呼吸效率更高。

Their breathing is more efficient.

我没有这个基因。

I don't have this gene.

我也不。

I also don't.

我...我不知道你有没有见过我不穿连帽衫的样子，但我真不适合做有氧运动。

I I I don't know whether you've ever seen seen me without a hoodie on, but I'm not built for cardio.

人们被带进实验室，有这种突变和没有的人数相当。

People are brought into the lab, even numbers with and without this mutation.

好的。

Okay.

我们已经对他们进行了测试。

We've done the tests on them.

他们被混合分组。

They're mixed up into groups.

所以A组中50%有突变，50%没有

So fifty percent with and without in group a, fifty percent with and without in

A组。

group a.

而且他们不知道自己是否携带这个基因。

And they don't know if they have it or not.

他们不知道。

They don't know.

好的。

Okay.

A组被告知：伙计们，你们携带这个突变基因。

Group a is told, guys, you've got this mutation.

你们绝对能碾压这个测试。

You should absolutely crush it.

记住A组中有50%的人其实并不具备这种突变。

Remembering that there's fifty percent of the people who don't have it in group a.

你们应该彻底摧毁这项测试。

You should absolutely annihilate this test.

这完全在你们的专业领域内。

This is really in your wheelhouse.

现在B组被带进来了。

Group b are brought in.

他们被告知：'没有这种突变，你们的处境会稍微艰难些'。

They say, without this mutation, things are gonna be a little bit tougher for you.

要记住B组中其实也存在具备该突变的人。

Remembering that there are people who do have it that are in group b.

A组表现全面超越B组——包括那些实际没有基因突变但相信自己有的成员，这让他得出一个结论：你的预期比基因更强大。

Group a outperforms group b, including the people who didn't have the gene mutation but believed that they did, and it caused him to come up with this synopsis, which is your expectations are even more powerful than your genes.

是的。

Yes.

这正好印证了你所说的

And this just plays right into what you're saying

观点。

here.

另外一点是，正如Aaliyah Crum博士所说，你知道吗？

And the other thing is what she what doctor Aliyah Crum said is that you know?

我个人觉得非常振奋的是，了解到我们大脑中存在这样的设定，能对生理状态产生如此强大的影响。

And I find it personally extremely exciting to know that there are settings in your mind that can have that powerful of an impact on your physiological state.

因为当你说出那句话'无论发生什么，我都能应对'时。

Because when you say the thing, no matter what happens, I can handle it.

对吧？

Right?

我会没事的。

I'll be okay.

那是什么？

What what is it?

再说一遍。

Say it again.

无论发生什么，我都会没事的。

I will be okay no matter what happens.

无论发生什么，我都会没事的。

I will be okay no matter what happens.

这是一个你可以用来改变心理设定、向身体传递休息与平静状态的工具。

That is a tool that you can use to change the settings in your mind to signal a state of rest and calmness.

这是一个你可以在任何时刻使用的工具——当你与处理问题的能力分离时，当你需要相信自己会没事时，它能帮你改变心理设定。

It's a tool that you can use to change the settings in your mind any moment where you separate from your ability to handle something and to believe that you will be okay.

医生。

Doctor.

阿利亚克鲁姆...哦不，是的，我想应该是医生。

Aliakrum oh, no, was Yeah, it I think it was Doctor.

Aliakrum。

Aliakrum.

他说他们对刚确诊癌症患者的最佳心态类型做了大量研究。

He said they'd done a bunch of research on the type of mindset that has the best results for somebody who just got a cancer diagnosis.

最佳建议是：我能应对这个情况，我的身体能够承受。

The best recommendation is, I can handle this, and my body can manage this.

这项研究我希望你加倍重视，因为我相信这个独特工具——写一本关于它的书，并分成章节层层深入、深入再深入。

And it is research that I want you to double down on because I believe this singular tool and writing a book about it and dividing it into chapters that goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper.

因为如果你真正剖析你在这里所做的，这个心理设定和你对自己说的这句话，我敢打赌如果进行调查研究，你会发现它对重置压力反应有立竿见影的效果。

Because if you really unpack what you're doing here with this setting in your mind and this statement that you say to yourself is, I bet if you did research studies, I bet you would show that it has an instant effect on resetting the stress response.

我敢肯定它会立即影响人们的紧张状态和战斗或逃跑反应。

I bet it would show that it has an instant effect in terms of a state of tension and fight or flight in people.

我敢打赌它对人的心跳有即时影响。

I bet it has an instant effect in somebody's heartbeat.

而且我敢说如果你做研究，你会发现这是一个非凡的工具，人们可以在焦虑和恐惧时刻使用，它不仅具有生理影响，如果你追踪某人接下来几个月的情况，你会看到焦虑症状减轻。

And I bet if you did studies, you would find that it is this extraordinary tool that people can use in moments of anxiety, in moments of fear, that has not only a biological impact, but if you track it over what happens to somebody over the course of the next couple months, you would see I'm willing to go on record a reduction in anxiety symptoms and depression symptoms.

你刚才给我推销了我人生中的第一本书。

You just pitched me my, my first ever book there.

我们看看我能不能搞定这件事。

We will see how I get on with that.

很擅长营销书籍。

Pretty good at marketing books.

你知道吗？

You know?

我注意到你你你现在似乎主导着一切。

I have noticed you you you seem to be dominating everything at the moment.

看。

Look.

我从罗根那里学到了这个，我觉得非常酷而且和这个相关。

I I learned this thing from Rogan, which I think is really cool and I think relates to this.

发生在你身上最糟糕的事情就是发生在你身上最糟糕的事情。

The worst thing that's ever happened to you is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

这对你来说意味着什么？

What does that mean to you?

就是我之前提到的那个领域。

That territory that I was talking about before.

这是你的人生经历，这是你极限的边界。

Here is your life's experience, and this is the the the boundaries of your extremity.

对吧？

Right?

这就是你不得不突破的极限。

This is how far you've had to push.

是的。

Yeah.

然后更糟的事情发生了。

And then something worse happens.

如果发生在你身上最糟糕的事只是星巴克员工把你的名字拼错了，那确实是个大问题。

If the worst thing that's ever happened to you is somebody spelling your name wrong on your cup at Starbucks, that's a big deal.

你经历过最糟糕的事是错过了转机航班，耽误了第二天的会议。

The worst thing that's ever happened to you is you missing a a flight connection, for a meeting the next day.

那可是大事。

That's a big deal.

如果你经历过最糟糕的事是父母得了癌症诊断而你无法陪在他们身边，那可是大事。

If the worst thing that's ever happened to you is a parent getting a a cancer diagnosis and you can't be there with them, that's a big deal.

这种边界会不断向外延伸。

And it continues to go out and out and out.

是的。

Yeah.

我着迷的是两类人的区别：一类人遭遇困境后变得脆弱，另一类人却将其转化为能力的证明。

And the what I'm fascinated in is the difference between the people who have that, and it becomes a vector of weakness, and the people who have that, and it becomes a justification of capacity.

那么区别在哪里？当有人说'那件事发生了'，现在变成了创伤、变成了困难、变成了我无能的证据，，我永远不会好起来，尽管事实上你还在这里？

So what's the difference between someone who says that thing happened, and that has now turned into trauma, into difficulty, into evidence that I'm incapable, that I will not be okay no matter what happens despite the fact that you're still here?

对吧？

Right?

事实上你还在这里，就证明无论发生什么你都挺过来了。

And by virtue of the fact that you're still here, you have been okay no matter what happened.

对吧？

Right?

而当你真的撑不住的那一刻，你就已经死了。

And the moment at which you're no longer okay, you're dead.

所以无论如何你都不会再有机会为这个问题担忧了。

So you're not gonna be around to be able to worry about the problem in any case.

是啊。

Yeah.

对吧？

Right?

无论发生什么我都会没事，或者我会死，那样的话我就不用再担心了。

I will be okay no matter what happens, or I'll be dead, in which case I'm not gonna have to worry anymore.

这么说有点病态，但无论如何，发生在你身上最糟糕的事就是对你而言最糟糕的事。

So, slightly morbid way to but, anyway, the worst thing that's ever happened to you is the worst thing worst thing that's ever happened to you.

随着时间推移，这种能力会不断扩展，我认为这就是为什么培养这些技能和韧性需要时间积累，我不知道这个过程能加速多少。

And as this expands over time, I think this is why, compounding and accumulating those skills and those resiliences is a it takes time, and I don't know how much you can speedrun it.

我觉得这必须通过亲身经历才能学会。

I think that it's something that you have to learn through experience.

我认为需要多久就是多久。

I think it takes however much time it takes.

不知道为什么，我一直在想丹·凯斯勒，那位研究悲伤的杰出专家。

I I can't I don't know why, but I keep thinking about Dan Kessler, who is this incredible expert on grief.

他曾谈到悲伤经历不仅会扩展——甚至不是承受能力——而是会扩展你对痛苦和失去的体验。

And he was talking about how experiences of grief not only expand your it's not even capacity, but expand the experience of pain and loss.

但它会直接扩展你感受爱的能力。

But it directly expands your capacity to feel love.

这在经历时很难解释，但你能感受到那种程度的失去，正是因为曾经存在过同等份量的爱。

And that it's a hard thing to explain when you're going through it, but you only feel that level of loss because of how much love was there.

他说的另一个让我觉得有趣的观点是：人们平均会在经历丧痛五年后才会寻求心理帮助。

The other thing that I thought was interesting that he said is that the average timeframe for when somebody seeks help for grief is five years after it happened.

可悲的是，我们许多人都有独自承受巨大痛苦的能力。

Sadly, a lot of us have a huge capacity to suffer alone.

我认为一个不争的事实是：人们改变要么是因为突然顿悟了什么是重要的、什么是自己想要的，然后径直朝它努力；要么更可能是，当痛苦积累到无法忍受时，唯一的选择就是逃离现状，去做那些你一直逃避的事。

And one of the things that I believe is true is that people change because you either have this moment of clarity about what's important and what you want, and you just drill right towards it, or more likely, you feel so much pain that the only option is to move away from it and do the things you have been avoiding doing.

而往往正是这些痛苦的时刻，才会带来你一直抗拒的清醒认知。

And oftentimes, it's those moments of pain that give you the clarity that you have been arguing against.

我们稍后会继续讨论，但首先——有些事物专为夏日而生。

We'll get back to talking in just a minute, but first, some things are built for summer.

晒伤、辣妹散步、前任晒欧洲公路旅行照片，现在又多了柠檬水加盐。

Sunburns, hot girl walks, your ex posting their Euro road trip, and now lemonade and salt.

Element刚刚推出了全新的柠檬盐口味，正是炎热天气里你想要的一切。

Element just dropped their brand new lemonade salt flavor, and it's everything that you want on a hot day.

酸涩、咸鲜，还有令人难以置信的清爽感。

Tart, salty, and stupidly refreshing.

这就像成年人的柠檬水摊位，一根棒子里藏着风味背后的实际功能。

It's like a grown up lemonade stand in a stick with actual function behind the flavor.

说真的，无论是健身出汗、蒸桑拿，还是七月天走去停车场，你流失的远不止是水分。

Because let's be real, if you're sweating through workout, sauna sessions, or just walking to your car in July, then you are losing more than just water.

Element能补充身体真正需要的电解质——钠、钾和镁，不含糖分，没有垃圾成分，简单纯粹。

Element replaces the electrolytes that your body actually needs, sodium, potassium, and magnesium with no sugar, no junk, and no nonsense.

我每天饮用这款产品已持续多年，在德克萨斯的酷热中，这柠檬风味加入冰水后的口感简直惊艳。

I've been drinking it every single day for years, and in the Texas heat, this lemonade flavor in a cold glass of water is unbelievably good.

最棒的是他们提供无理由无限期退款政策，你可以购买后任意时长试用，若因任何原因不满意，他们都会退款且无需退回包装盒。

Best of all, they've got a no questions asked refund policy with an unlimited duration, so you can buy it and try it for as long as you want, and if you don't like it for any reason, they'll give you your money back, and you don't even need to return the box.

他们就是这么自信，你一定会喜欢。

That's how confident they are, that you'll love it.

而且，他们提供美国境内免费配送。

Plus, they offer free shipping in The US.

现在，您首次购买即可免费获赠Element最受欢迎口味的样品套装，点击下方描述中的链接或访问drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom即可。

Right now, you can get a free sample pack of Element's most popular flavors with your first purchase by going to the link in the description below or heading to drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

网址是drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom。

That's drinklmnt.com/modernwisdom.

每个人的成长都始于他们最低谷的时刻。

Everyone's growth germinates from their lowest points.

嗯。

Mhmm.

弗洛伊德有句话是这样说的：回首往事时，那些奋斗的岁月会让你觉得最为美好。

There's this quote from Freud where he says, in retrospect, the struggle will strike you as most beautiful.

我认为只有当你真正经历过才会明白。

I think that's that's a Only when you're through it.

回想起来，瑞恩，那些奋斗的时光在你眼中会变得无比美好。

Well, in retrospect, Ryan, the struggle will strike you as most beautiful.

嗯哼。

Uh-huh.

你知道区域贝塔悖论是什么吗？

Do you know what the region beta paradox is?

区域贝塔，你可以称之为好吧。

Region beta, you would call Okay.

所以想象一下，如果你要出行一英里或更短的距离，你会选择步行。

So it is imagine that if you were going to travel a mile or less, you would walk it.

好。

K.

而如果你要出行超过一英里的距离，你会选择开车。

And if you're going to travel more than a mile, you would drive it.

好。

K.

矛盾的是，你走两英里会比走一英里更快。

Paradoxically, you would go two miles quicker than you'd go one mile.

我走两英里会比走一英里更快。

I would go two miles quicker than I would go one mile.

不到一英里的距离你会步行吗？

Less than a mile you would walk it?

是的。

Yes.

超过一英里你就会开车去吗？

More than a mile you would drive it?

是的。

Yes.

好的。

Okay.

明白了。

Got it.

因为你选择的解决方案，你可以更快地到达更远的地方。

You would go a further distance quicker because of the solution that you chose.

没错。

Yes.

这表明如果我们只在事情恶化到某个临界点时才采取行动，更糟的情况反而可能比更好的情况更有利。

What this suggests is that if we only act when things cross a certain threshold of badness, worse things can be better than better things.

所以，那个维持着一段关系的人，虽然谈不上多恩爱，但你知道，他们并不恶劣，一切还算舒适，但我真的不确定是否能和这个人有未来。

So, the person who stays in a relationship, it's not that loving, but, you know, they're not abusive, and everything's kinda comfortable, but I don't really know if I see a future with this person.

或者说，对。

Or Right.

那些留在职业中的人，嗯，我并不那么热衷，而且收入也不高。

The person that stays in a career, well, I'm not that fired up by, and it doesn't pay very well.

但我的老板人还不错，我也喜欢一起共事的同事们。

But my boss is kinda cool, and I like the people that I work with.

那些住在市中心公寓的人，天花板上可能有些霉菌，而且我觉得隔壁的人也不太安全。

The person who lives in an apartment downtown and there's some maybe some mold on the ceiling, and I don't really think that the people next door are that safe.

但它价格不贵，而且地段很好。

But it's not very expensive, and it's in a great location.

所有这些人在处境更糟时反而会过得更好，因为这会激励他们真正去采取行动。

All of these people would be better off if their situations were worse because it would galvanize them to actually go and do something.

而这种舒适的自我满足区，让人变得麻木不仁的温柔陷阱，提醒我们有时更糟的处境反而比更好的处境更好，因为它能把你从谷底重新推出来。

And this, zone of comfortable complacency, right, where you get comfortably numb, velvet prison, whatever it might be, reminds us that sometimes worse situations can be better than better situations because it kicks you back out of the bottom.

有时候。

Sometimes.

是的。

Yes.

有时候。

Sometimes.

我在一次现场演出中确实被问到了这个问题，有人说，我感觉自己被困在β区了。

I did get asked a question about this at one of the live shows, and somebody said, I feel like I'm stuck in region beta.

我应该故意让生活变得更糟，好让自己从谷底反弹吗？

Should I purposely make my life worse so that I, I get kicked out the bottom?

我当时就想，这真是个高风险策略，主动把自己的生活搞得一团糟来试图

And I was like, that's a high risk strategy to actively sort of kamikaze your own life in an attempt

我们能不能先停下来，哪怕只是思考一下这个问题？

Can we just stop and just consider even the question?

嗯

Mhmm.

我清楚地知道自己并不处于想要的状态，却因为害怕改变，甚至考虑在情况好转前先让它变得更糟。

I actively know that I'm not in a place I wanna be, and I am so scared to make the change that I'm even considering allowing things to get worse before they get better.

这种自我觉察的时刻非常重要，因为在触底反弹之前——当你彻底厌倦自己，留在原地比面对那些你一直逃避的事情更痛苦时，无论是结束一段关系、终于发布第一条YouTube视频、辞职，还是制定该死的预算并明白自己穷困潦倒的原因是入不敷出——这些诚实的时刻，你可能已经经历过上千次，才会真正下定决心受够了。

That moment of self awareness is so important because before you hit that rock bottom moment where you're just so sick of your own self that it's more painful to stay where you are than to do the things that you've been avoiding, whether it's break off the relationship or finally post your first YouTube video or quit the job or make a goddamn budget and understand that the reason why you're dead broke is because you're spending more than you earn, those moments of honesty, you have had them probably a thousand times before you actually make the decision that enough is enough.

所以我感到很有趣，因为这个问题本身就包含着觉察：你知道自己不在理想的位置，生活也不如你所愿，却在一个现场活动中询问是否该让情况变得更糟——明明此刻你就可以决定改变。

So I find it fascinating because there's awareness in the question that you are not where you want to be, that your life does not feel like you want it to feel, and here you are asking at a live event whether or not I should make it worse when you could make the decision to change now.

我并不会因此评判你。

I don't judge you for that.

我认为这非常重要，因为当有人说‘我总是遇到错的人’时。

I think it's a very important thing because when somebody says, I always am dating the wrong people.

我半年前就该分手的。

I should have broken up six months ago.

你半年前就知道了。

You knew six months ago.

问题不在于你不听他们的话。

The issue isn't that because you don't listen to them.

这也是我长期以来存在的问题。

And that was my problem for a long time too.

你是如何学会更多地倾听直觉的？

How did you learn to tap into your instincts more?

通过搞砸我的人生，比如，比如通过忽视它们。

By fucking up my life, like, like, by ignoring them.

因为你不会早上醒来就说，知道我今天要做什么吗？

Because you don't wake up in the morning and go, you know what I'm gonna do today?

我要彻底毁掉自己的生活。

I'm gonna just screw up my life.

我觉得我会去欺骗某人、酗酒、对我的孩子很刻薄。

I think I'm going to cheat on somebody and drink too much and be just a jerk to my kids.

我会在工作中偷懒，直到被解雇。

I'm going to screw off at work so that I get fired.

这就是我打算做的事。

That's what I'm going to do.

现在发生的情况是，你开始做出一些与你内心深处想成为的那种人的愿景不相符的小决定。

Now what happens is you start to make small decisions that are not aligned with the deeper type of vision that you have for the kind of person you want to be.

你知道吗，你甚至不需要写下你想成为什么样的人。

You know, you don't even have to write out what kind of person you want to be.

当你做的事情与价值观不符时，你是能感觉到的，因为会觉得不对劲。

You know when you are not doing something that is aligned with your values because it feels off.

对我来说，我能看到生活中太多不对劲的地方，其中很多并非我的过错。

And for me, I can see there were just so many things about my life that were off, and a lot of them were not my fault.

我直到47岁才知道自己患有注意力缺陷多动症。

I had no idea that I had ADHD until I was 47 years old.

我几乎整个成年生活都在与焦虑斗争的原因之一，是因为我有一段被压抑的创伤经历，直到二十多岁时才记起来，这段被储存的创伤让我长期处于紧张状态。

One of the reasons why I struggled with anxiety for almost my entire adult life is both because I had a repressed traumatic incident that I did not remember until my late 20s that was stored trauma that set me on edge.

哇。

Wow.

我对此一无所知。

I didn't know about it.

而且我在教室里，我有阅读障碍和多动症，我是他们所谓的‘失落一代女性’中的一员，因为1970年代他们只在男孩身上研究多动症和注意力缺陷障碍。

And then I'm in a classroom, and I'm dyslexic, and I have ADHD, and I am part of what they call the lost generation of women because they only studied ADHD and ADD in boys in the 1970s.

男孩和女孩患ADHD、ADD和阅读障碍的比例完全相同。

And boys and girls experience ADHD and ADD and dyslexia at the exact same rates.

当小男孩出现这些神经多样性或学习方式差异，或人类大脑发育过程中可能出现的各种情况时，他们的表现与女孩截然不同。

When little boys have these neurodivergent or learning style differences or all the various things that can happen in the development of a human brain, they present very differently than girls.

坐立不安。

Fidgety.

我知道我有个儿子就是这样。

I know I have a son who's this way.

爱插嘴。

Interruptive.

破坏性行为。

Disruptive.

没错。

Yeah.

他们称之为行为问题。

They call it a behavior problem.

这让人非常困惑，因为你能够对电子游戏高度专注。

And then it's very confusing because you can hyperfocus on video games.

为什么？

Why?

因为你享受其中。

Because you enjoy it.

做这件事消耗的心理能量要少得多。

It takes a lot less mental fuel for you to do it.

但当你需要集中注意力时，面对不擅长的事情，就会快速消耗心理能量。

But when you have to direct your attention and focus, it's something you're not good at, it drains the mental fuel.

你会变得坐立不安。

You get fidgety.

你做不到，于是就被贴上了问题儿童的标签。

You can't and so you get labeled a problem.

而女孩们则恰恰相反。

And girls are the opposite.

我们会变得非常内省。

We become very reflective.

我们会变得自我批判。

We become self critical.

我们开始退缩。

We start to withdraw.

你知道当一个人拥有神经多样性大脑，或存在任何注意力或专注力问题，比如风格障碍或发育问题时，最突出的症状是什么吗？是焦虑——因为你每天不得不面对这样的处境：你无法确定将会发生什么，但清楚自己做不到其他孩子都能做到的事。

And do you know the number one symptom that rises to the surface when you have somebody that has a neurodivergent brain or that has any kind of focus or attention, like style issues or developmental issues, anxiety, because you are having to walk into a situation every single day where you are not certain about what's gonna happen, but you know you cannot do what all these other kids can do.

因此整整一代女性在青少年时期和二十多岁时被诊断为焦虑症，而实际问题是注意力缺陷多动症或阅读障碍。

So there is an entire generation of women that were diagnosed with anxiety in their teenage years and their twenties when the actual issue was ADHD or dyslexia.

我服用左洛复（抗抑郁药）近二十年。

I was on Zoloft for almost two decades.

它帮助我从困境中爬出来并稳定下来。

It helped me climb out of the hole and stabilize.

当我停药时，正值我怀上第一个女儿的时候。

And when I came off it, I had such when my I was pregnant with my first daughter.

我经历了如此创伤的分娩过程，而且当时我已经停用了服用近八年的药物。

I had such a traumatic, birth experience, plus I was now off this medication that I had been on for almost eight years.

我患上了严重的产后抑郁，严重到医生给我开了安定，把我变成行尸走肉，以防我伤害自己或婴儿。

I had a severe case of postpartum, the kind where they give you Ativan and turn you into a zombie so that you don't hurt yourself or hurt the baby.

我不能被单独留在家中。

I couldn't be left alone.

我们不得不让亲友来陪着我，这样克里斯才能去工作。

We had to have friends and family sit with me so Chris could go off to work.

我在精神上经历了地狱般的折磨。

I have been to hell and back mentally.

哇。

Wow.

你们知道女性发现自己患有ADHD或学习方式差异的首要途径是什么吗？

And I only discovered do you know the number one way that women discover that they have ADHD or a learning style difference?

是通过她们的孩子确诊时发现的？

Through their kids when they kids have it?

是的。

Yes.

所以当你有一个遇到困难的孩子时，你就必须为他们争取权益。

So when you have a kid who struggles, you then have to advocate for them.

然后你要经历所有这些神经心理评估之类的事情。

You then go through all this, like, neuropsych evals and stuff.

当我们儿子奥克利在四年级时被发现这种情况时——感谢上帝那时我们有足够的经济能力请校外医生——我想到所有那些被学校忽视、未被标记、没有得到应有支持的孩子，他们被贴上了问题儿童的标签。

And when our son Oakley, who we found out in fourth grade, and thank God we had enough money at that point to be able to hire a doctor outside the school, I think of all these kids that are getting passed over, that are not getting flagged at school, that are not getting the support that they deserve, and they're being labeled a problem.

克里斯，我一直坚信人们都渴望把事情做好。

I live my life believing, Chris, that people want to do well.

我们都想要蓬勃发展。

We want to thrive.

我们都想表现得好。

We want to do well.

如果有人表现不佳，那并不意味着他们是个难相处的人。

And if somebody's not doing well, they're not a challenging person.

他们缺少某项技能，或缺乏支持系统，或根本不知道导致我们看到的行为背后的真正问题是什么。

They're missing a skill, or they're missing a layer of support, or they're missing the knowledge of what the actual issue is that's causing the behavior that we see.

你知道吗，我经常思考一个问题：你知道教室里最努力的孩子是谁吗？

And, you know, I often think about the fact, do you know who the hardest working kid in a classroom is?

不是那个拿A的学生。

It's not the kid getting a's.

而是那个不及格的孩子。

It's the kid who's failing.

你知道坐在教室里明知自己是最差的学生有多煎熬吗？

Do you know how hard it is to sit in a classroom and know you're the worst student?

运动同理。

Same thing with exercise.

在健康方面最努力的人，恰恰是你那群朋友中最不健康的那一个。

The the person that's working the hardest at their health is your friend that actually is the most unhealthy.

背负着超重身躯生活实在太艰难了。

It is so difficult to carry around a lot of extra weight.

爬一段楼梯就气喘吁吁是多么艰难。

It is so difficult to be winded when you're going up a flight of stairs.

生活在一个让你自觉低人一等的世界是多么艰难。

It is so difficult to live in a world where you feel less than.

这就是你全部的想法。

That's all you think about.

所以我们有了儿子，他当时真的很挣扎，焦虑情绪达到了顶点。

So have we had our son, and he was really struggling, and anxiety was through the roof.

而他被贴上了问题学生的标签，因为他在课堂上捣乱。

And he was being labeled a problem because he's interrupting class.

我们带他去做了评估。

And we get him evaluated.

结果发现，嗯，他有阅读障碍。

He's like, well, he's dyslexic.

他还有书写障碍。

He's dysgraphic.

他患有注意力缺陷多动症。

He has ADHD.

我当时想，天哪。

I'm like, oh my god.

谢天谢地。

Thank god.

现在我们知道了问题所在，就能根据他的思维方式提供支持了。

Now we know what we're dealing with so we can support the way his brain works.

我对他的儿科医生说：天啊，这听起来跟我很像。

And I said to his pediatrician, god, you know, that sounds like me.

你觉得我可能也有这问题吗？

Do you think I might have it?

他看着我说：梅尔，你是我接诊过最典型的ADHD家长。

And He looked at me and he's like, Mel, you are the most ADHD parent I have in my practice.

你明明成就斐然。

You are so accomplished.

你每次都错过健康检查预约。

You miss every wellness appointment.

每年开学时你都会惊慌失措地打电话，因为你今年又错过了预约，反正孩子没生病嘛，但现在你需要补打所有疫苗，还要做体检才能让他们参加体育活动。

You call in a panic at the beginning of every school year because you missed the appointments this year because, whatever, your kids weren't sick, and now you need all the shots and you need the physical so that they can play sports.

我们就像在说，不，快来了。

We like, No, it's coming.

哦，学校要开学了。

Oh, school's starting.

梅尔肯定会打电话来。

Mel's gonna call.

你当然会这样。

Of course you are.

我就说，你为什么不早点告诉我？

And I'm like, Why didn't you tell me?

他说，我又不是你的医生。

He's like, I'm not your doctor.

于是我去做了检测。

And so I went and got tested.

我必须说，我感到如释重负，同时也为青少年时期和二十多岁的自己感到难过。

And I I have to say, I was so relieved, and I was also I felt so bad for the teenage me and the 20 me.

我为所有可能被我伤害过的人感到内疚，为那些我完全无法控制的行为感到懊悔——因为当时我根本无法控制自己的大脑、注意力以及身体运作方式，而我当时并不理解这些。

And I felt so bad for all the people that I may have hurt or the things that I did that I felt I had zero control over because I just was not in control of my own brain and my own attention and the way that my body was operating, and I didn't understand it.

我充满了悔恨，尤其觉得自己彻底浪费了大学时光，那段经历完全被挥霍了——因为我只能靠酗酒度日，然后又会去图书馆试图学习。

I had so much regret, especially I really feel like I just blew the college years, that I squandered that experience because all I did was drink, and then I would go to the stacks to try to study.

只要我一坐下来，如果你有任何注意力问题，你就会明白。

And the second I would sit down if you have any kind of focus issues, you'll understand.

突然间，我的胃开始作怪，而且我的听力变得异常敏锐，就像鹰的耳朵一样。

All of a sudden, my stomach's like, and I can hear I have, like, eagle ears.

我甚至能听到不同楼层的人说话，现在那些声音占据了我全部的注意力。

I can hear people on a different floor, and now that's all I can hear.

还有那个时钟，我无论如何都无法集中精神。

And the clock, I can't, for the life of me, focus.

我总是想不明白，为什么我是熬夜女王？

And I always wonder, why am I the queen of all nighters?

为什么我总是最后一刻才交作业的人？

Why am I the person that is turning everything in at the last minute?

这是因为我的大脑和身体需要紧急情况和肾上腺素激增，才能专注于那些我不太感兴趣的事情。

It's because my brain and body need an emergency and a flood of adrenaline in order to organize itself to focus at something that I'm not particularly interested in.

你认为自己成为成功人士令人意外吗？

Do you think you're a surprising person to have become a success?

不。

No.

如果要列出你面临的挑战，我很难坐下来，很难集中注意力，我会被时钟分心，或者被三桌之外的人翻动薯片袋子的声音干扰。

If you were to lay out the challenges that you're facing there, I struggle to sit down, I struggle to focus, I'm distracted by the clock, or the person rustling their crisp packets three tables across from me.

天啊。

God.

简直让我发疯。

Drive me crazy.

是啊。

Yeah.

我记得有一次，大学会计考试前一晚因为滴水声整夜没睡。

I remember I once, didn't sleep the night before an accounting exam in university because there was a drip.

当时我住在英国纽卡斯尔东北部那栋房子的阁楼间里。

I was in the attic room of this house that we were living in in Newcastle Northeast Of The UK.

有个滴水声，但间隔很不规律，我完全无法预测下一次滴水什么时候来。

There was a drip, but it was sufficiently intermittent that I couldn't predict when it was next going to come.

我想说的是，在我看来，如果列出那些基本特质...嗯...

My point is, it seems to me like if you were to lay out the fundamentals Uh-huh.

梅尔·罗宾斯这个人本身的特质，可能并不完全预示她会成为需要高度专注力去写书、创业、演讲的人——要处理焦虑、不确定性、肾上腺素、所需的专注力，以及保持执行功能的能力。我是说，你今天虽然迟到了一点，但大体还算准时到场。

Of the person that is Mel Robbins might not be super predictive of someone that would go on to write a book, which requires a lot of focus and to sit down and and to build businesses and talk on stage, dealing with the anxiety, the uncertainty, the adrenaline, the focus that's required, the executive function to be able to be I mean, you were here a little bit late, but you were here, you know, remotely on time.

在我看来，这个人的特质与其成就之间似乎并不存在很强的预测性。

That seems to me like the person and the outcomes might not be super predictive.

我同意。

I agree.

我同意。

I agree.

确实如此，如果你观察那些在生活中遇到诸多问题的人群轨迹，往往会发现与神经多样性问题或学习方式问题存在相当高的相关性。

So And, actually, if you look at the trajectory of people that are having a lot of problems in life, there tends to be a pretty high correlation with neurodivergent issues or learning style issues.

你可能会被贴上问题标签，然后你内心的设定就会改变。

And you can get labeled a problem, and then the settings in your mind change.

由于周围的老师或学校系统等让你感到不被理解，你可能会开始放弃自己的潜力。

And because the teachers around you or the school system or whatever, you do not feel understood, you can start to opt out of your potential.

我不认为这是你的错。

And I don't believe that's your fault.

我认为这是后天在人们身上形成的。

I believe that gets conditioned in people.

也有些人具备适应能力。

And there's people who also have the ability to adapt.

关于阅读障碍，我最喜欢的一段文字是马尔科姆·格拉德威尔《大卫与歌利亚》书中的一章，标题好像是《你会希望自己的孩子有阅读障碍吗？》

One of my favorite things that's ever been written about dyslexia is a chapter in Malcolm Gladwell's book, David and Goliath, I believe the title of it is, Would You Give Your Kid Dyslexia?

这是一篇基于非凡研究的章节，探讨了那些在课堂上被贴上问题标签的人会发生什么，以及有些人如何能够适应。

And it is an extraordinary research based chapter about what happens to people that are in classrooms, and you get labeled a problem, and that there are some people that also adapt.

因为你无法读写，因为大脑与手的神经连接出了问题——我儿子的字迹至今仍像用脚写的一样，而我书写的速度也跟不上思维的速度。

Because if you can't read and write because the wiring from your brain is not going down your hand My son's handwriting still looks like he's writing with his feet, and I can't write as fast as my mind works.

说到写书，我都是口述所有内容，然后再进行编辑。

So you talk about writing books, I dictate everything, and then I can edit it.

所以我变得非常善于言辞，因为我意识到如果我先举手，就能主动发言，这样就不会被点名回答而陷入尴尬境地。

So I became very verbal because what you realize is that if I get my hand up first, I can say something proactively, and then I won't get called on and put on the spot.

没错。

Right.

好的。

Okay.

如果是按你的条件。

If it's on your terms.

是的。

Yes.

这同样也是在减少不确定性。

This is just reducing down the uncertainty again as well.

是的。

Yes.

是的。

Yes.

而且，你知道，我成功的很大一部分动力来自负面激励。

And, you know, the other thing is is that so much of my success was due to negative motivation.

我是说，当你负债80万美元，有三个不到10岁的孩子，你丈夫投入的餐饮生意——这个生意你已经用毕生积蓄、房子、多张信用卡和房屋净值贷款担保了——然后你失业了，还有朋友也投资了，你开始意识到没人会来替你付这些账单，而我也不认为克里斯能解决这个问题。

I mean, when you're $800,000 in debt and you have three kids under the age of 10 and the restaurant business that your husband has gone into, which you have secured with your life savings and your house and multiple credit cards and a home equity line, and you then lose your job, and you have friends that have invested, and you start to realize that nobody is gonna come and pay these bills for you, and I don't think Chris is gonna figure this out.

我认为我婚姻中最艰难的时刻之一就是克里斯说：'你不相信我吗？'

I think one of the hardest moments of my marriage is where Chris said, You don't believe in me?

我说：'是的，我不相信。'

I said, I don't.

我不认为你能解决这个问题。

I don't think you're gonna figure this out.

我变得极度拼命，因为我不想失去我的房子。

And I became highly driven because I didn't want to lose my house.

我变得极度拼命，因为柜台上堆着六个月未拆的账单。

I became highly driven because there were six months of bills that were stacked up on the counter that I hadn't opened.

我变得极度拼命，因为我厌倦了去杂货店时，明知支票账户里没钱，还要祈求刷卡机大发慈悲让信用卡能刷过去的日子。

I became highly driven because I was tired of going to the grocery store, and knowing that there was no money in my checking account, and hoping that the wiring gods would let the credit card slip through.

您想用借记卡还是信用卡支付？

Would you like to do debit or credit credit?

天啊天啊。

Mister mister god.

然后它会滑动，我已经把整个回应都排练好了。

And then it would swipe, and I had the whole response rehearsed.

我会歪着头，表现得像是，哦，好吧，真奇怪。

I'd cock my head, I'd be like, oh, well, that's weird.

它在加油站就是能用。

It just worked at the gas station.

让我去车里拿点东西。

Let me go out to the car.

我还有别的办法，孩子们。

I've got some other come on, kids.

然后你就别再回来了。

And then you don't come back in.

当你人生走到某个节点，意识到若想改变现状，这责任全在于你自己。

And when you reach a point in your life where you have that reckoning that if you want your life to turn around, it's your job to do it.

如果你想还清债务，这责任全在于你自己。

If you want to pay off your bills, it's your job to do it.

如果你想改变人生境遇，这责任全在于你自己。

If you want to change where you're at in life, it is your job to change it.

我浪费了太多时间责怪克里斯，抱怨生活不公（确实不公），或是懊悔我们共同做过的愚蠢决定，因无法起床而自我厌恶，明知自己在自我封闭、糟蹋健康、酗酒过度却无力改变。

I had wasted way too much time blaming Chris, or thinking life was unfair, and it was unfair, or beating myself up about the stupid decisions that we had both made, feeling shitty about myself because I couldn't get out of bed, or I knew I was isolating, I was letting my health go, I was drinking too much.

这种自我毁灭的循环我持续了多年。

I was in that self sabotaging loop for years.

然后最终，就像，好吧，然后呢？

And then finally, it's like, okay, and?

然后呢？

And?

好吧，你可以继续躺在床上腐烂下去。

Okay, you can continue to lay in bed and rot away.

你可以继续把自己打得遍体鳞伤。

You can continue to beat the shit out of yourself.

你可以继续告诉自己已经太迟了。

You can continue to tell yourself that it's too late.

你搞砸了。

You screwed up.

你永远都摆脱不了债务。

You're never going to get out of debt.

你永远都解决不了这个问题。

You're never going to figure this out.

你已经41岁了。

You're 41.

你的事业结束了。

Your career is over.

你必须摆脱这个。

You're going to have to get rid of this.

梅尔，你可以继续那样做，或者你可以改变。

You can do all that, Mel, or you can change.

如果你想让生活变得更好，那就证明给自己看。

If you want things in your life to get better, prove it, and the person you're proving it to is yourself.

对我来说，当时处境的痛苦在于，我不相信克里斯会解决问题。

So for me, it was the pain of the situation that we were in, and it was the truth that I didn't believe that Chris would fix it.

这很难说出口，但这是事实。

That was a very hard thing to say, but it was the truth.

如果我想解决问题，我需要闭嘴并采取行动。

If I wanted it to be fixed, I needed to shut up and do something.

那一刻对我来说，就是在绝望中对自己完全诚实的瞬间，一切开始改变。

And that was the moment for me, that moment of just desperation and honesty with self that started to change everything.

人们总是问，你是怎么成为梅尔·罗宾斯的？

Everybody always asks, How did you become Mel Robbins?

我回答：十六年枯燥艰苦的苦差事。

I'm like, Sixteen years of boring, grueling ass work.

这就是你成为理想中样子的方式。

That's how you become the person you want to be.

如果你不愿意坚持十年，那就干脆别开始，因为这就是需要的时间。

If you're not willing to do it for ten years, don't even bother because that's how long it takes.

没有捷径。

There is no shortcut.

没有秘诀。

There is no secret.

我无法给你任何速成的方法。

There's no fast thing I can give you.

我可以告诉你，如果你不满意目前的生活状态或感受，这就是你需要改变的全部。

I can tell you that if you don't like where your life is right now or what it feels like, that's all you need to change.

如果你不喜欢生活的某个方面，比如我的工作不再让我有想要的感觉，这段关系不再如我所愿，好吧，这很好。

If you don't like some aspect of your life, my job just doesn't feel the way I want it to feel anymore, this relationship doesn't feel the way I want it to, okay, great.

从你对自己诚实的那个瞬间起，你可以改变任何事情。

You can change anything from that moment of honesty with yourself.

这就是成功的秘诀。

That's what it takes.

你的生活会因一个决定而改变，因为这个决定将你指向不同的方向。

Your life changes with one decision because the decision points you in a different direction.

现在说到结果，我认为人们对'坚持'存在误解。

Now, the results, I think people misunderstand consistency.

坚持就是反复做出同样的决定，而结果会随着时间的推移逐渐显现。

Consistency is making the decision over and over, and the results show up over time.

这些结果的显现时间远比你以为的要久得多。

And they show up way further down the road than you think.

所以对我来说，你知道，并没有什么神奇的诀窍。

And so for me, you know, there's no magic trick.

我只是找到了一些简单有时甚至很蠢的工具，帮助我克服自己的借口，这样我就能采取必要的行动，即使我并不想做。

I just found simple and sometimes dumb tools that helped me push through my own excuses so I could take the actions that I needed to take even when I didn't feel like it.

这就是秘诀所在。

And that's the secret.

我浪费了太多生命等待有动力，等待感觉准备好了。

I wasted too much of my life waiting to feel motivated, waiting to feel ready.

动力完全是垃圾。

Motivation's complete garbage.

它从来不会出现。

It's never there.

在你需要它的时候它永远不在。

It's never there when you need it.

这里是医生。

This is Doctor.

K的研究。

K's research.

你的大脑天生就不擅长做简单的事。

Your brain is not wired to do shit that's easy.

如果真是这样，我们早就都腰缠万贯、腹肌分明、功成名就了。

If it were, we'd all have a million dollars in six pack abs and the most fabulous merit.

但现实并非如此。

That's not what but life.

你的大脑天生趋乐避苦，而改变恰恰让人痛苦不堪。

Your brain is wired to move toward what feels good and away from what feels bad, and change feels horrible.

我们稍后继续讨论，首先——如果你最近感到精力不济，可能是睾酮水平出了问题。

We'll get back to talking in just one second, but first, if you have been feeling a bit sluggish, your testosterone levels might be the problem.

睾酮对你的精力、专注力和表现都至关重要。

They play a huge role in your energy, your focus, and your performance.

但大多数人既不清楚自己的水平，也不知道如何应对异常，这就是为什么我选择与Function合作——我需要更智能、更全面的方式来了解体内真实发生的变化。

But most people have no idea where those are or what to do if something's off, which is why I partnered with Function because I wanted a smarter and more comprehensive way to actually understand what's happening inside of my body.

他们每年进行两次实验室检测，监测超过100种生物标志物。

Twice a year, they run lab tests that monitor over 100 biomarkers.

他们拥有一支由专业医师组成的团队，负责分析数据并提供可执行的建议，以改善您的健康和延长寿命。

They've got a team of expert physicians that analyze the data and give you actionable advice to improve your health and lifespan.

通过查看您的睾酮水平和众多其他生物标志物在一整年内的变化图表，并附有实际改善它们的可操作见解，为您提供了让生活变得更美好的清晰路径。

And seeing your testosterone levels and tons of other biomarkers charted over the course of a year with actionable insights to actually improve them gives you a clear path to making your life better.

像这样进行血液检测和分析通常需要花费数千美元，但通过Function服务，仅需499美元。

Getting your blood work drawn and analyzed like this would usually cost thousands, but with function, it's just $499.

现在您还可以享受100美元的优惠，最终价格降至399美元。

And right now, you can get a $100 off, bringing it down to $399.

获取与我完全相同的血液检测套餐，并通过点击下方描述中的链接或访问functionhealth.com/modernwisdom节省100美元。

Get the exact same blood panels that I get and save that $100 by going to the link in the description below or heading to functionhealth.com/modernwisdom.

网址是functionhealth.com/modernwisdom。

That's functionhealth.com/modernwisdom.

关于自我同情，你学到了什么？

What have you learned about self compassion?

因为在这件事上，我能想象到大量的自我谴责。

Because in this, I can imagine an awful lot of self castigation.

是啊。

Yeah.

关于自我同情，你学到了什么？

What have you learned about self compassion?

如果我当初没有对自己那么苛刻，可能早就取得成果了。

That I would have probably had results faster if I had not been so hard on myself.

当你总是心存芥蒂、不断苛责自己时——'好吧，但你本可以做得更好'——这种状态下很难保持持续前进的内在动力，因为你无法享受成为理想自我的过程。

It is very difficult to be motivated in terms of continuing to keep going and the intrinsic motivation because you start to feel good that you're acting like the person that you want to be when you have a chip on your shoulder and you're constantly, Well, okay, but you could have done this.

哦，打两份工很棒？那你最好再找第三份。

Oh, okay, great that you're working two jobs, but you better get a third.

虽然听起来很老套，但学会调整思维模式的力量在于：对顺利的事情放大十倍肯定，对挫折则要宽容——'这件事你做得很好'。

The power And it sounds so cheesy, but the power of learning how to change the settings in your mind so that you 10x on the things that are going well, and you call out, Good job on that.

'这件事你做得很好。'

Good job on that.

我为你找到两份工作感到骄傲。

I'm proud of you for getting two jobs.

你今天做得已经足够好了。

You're doing enough today.

实际上，你已经做了很多了。

You're doing a lot, actually.

当你取得第一次突破后，转变那种对自己苛刻的态度，成为更多鼓励自己的人，这很重要。

There's something about shifting that tough love mentality with yourself once you have that first breakthrough and becoming more of an encourager.

我认为这在商业中也是真理：如果你想成为一位伟大的领导者，就停止关注那些出错的事情，而是加倍关注人们做得好的方面。

I think this is true about business, If you are a person that wants to be a great leader, stop focusing on the things that are going wrong and triple down on what you see people doing well.

你要加倍关注，因为你没有意识到人们每天做对了100件事，但我们个人却过度纠结于那一件不如意的事，仿佛那是你今天唯一做的事，而忘记了——你已经回复了73封邮件。

You triple down and you because you don't realize people do 100 things great every day, but we personally hyper fixate on the one thing that didn't go well as if it's the only thing that you did today and you forget, You answered 73 emails.

做得真棒。

Great job.

你准时参加了那七个浪费你时间的Zoom会议。

You showed up for those seven Zoom meetings that were a waste of your time.

做得好。

Great job.

你对那个日子很难过的人很友善。

You were kind to the person that was having a really hard day.

干得不错。

Good job.

你的精力管理得很好。

You managed your energy well.

你没有回家就把压力发泄在每个人身上，然后归咎于工作，对你最关心的人态度最差，而是控制住了自己。

Instead of coming home and just dumping your stress on everybody and then blaming work for it, treating the people that you care the most the worst, you checked yourself at the door.

做得好。

Good job.

是的。

Yeah.

你可能没做成那件事。

You might not have gotten that thing.

你可能对那个人说话语气不太好，但你很快就道歉了。

You may have, like, had a lousy tone of voice with that person, but you you apologize pretty quickly.

做得好。

Good job.

当你开始注意到自己做得好的事情时，内心会产生一种难以置信的动力，因为自我批评就像是阻碍你前进的路障。

Like, when you can start to notice the things you're doing well, it creates this unbelievable sense of momentum inside of you because you're not kinda like self criticism is like this roadblock where you stop your own, like, momentum.

你有没有参加过那种头脑风暴会议，大家思维流畅碰撞时，突然有个人冒出一句'但是'，然后你就懵了？

Have you ever been in a meeting where, you know, you're brainstorming with people and it's, like, in a flow and there's one person that's like, well and you're like, what?

老兄，你得会察言观色啊。

Dude, like, read the room.

这对我来说是个重大启示，也是我领导哲学的核心部分。

That was a huge revelation to me, and it's a huge part of my philosophy in terms of the way that I lead.

是的。

Yes.

而不是说'不，但是'。

And as opposed to no, but.

是的。

Yeah.

因为'不，但是'感觉会让一切慢下来。

Because the no, but feels like it's slowing everything down.

所以我感兴趣的是如何协调我们这里所有不同的环节。

So what I'm what I'm interested in is trying to square all of the different circles that we've got going on here.

一方面，我们拥有高度的自主权、目的性，以及决策时的决断力。

So in one hand, we have a lot of autonomy, intentionality, a kind of ruthlessness with decision making Yes.

行动导向。

A bias for action.

是的。

Yes.

另一方面，我们专注于进展顺利的事情，而非问题所在。

On the other, we have a focus on what's going well, not what's going wrong.

嗯。

Mhmm.

我们对自身和他人的不足之处都有一定程度的理解和接纳。

We have a degree of understanding and acceptance of where you have fallen short and where other people fall short too.

因此自我导向的完美主义有所减弱。

So self oriented perfectionism is reduced.

他人导向的完美主义也有所减弱。

Other oriented perfectionism is also reduced.

嗯。

Mhmm.

但我们需要在顺其自然之间找到平衡

But then we have this balance between letting things happen

嗯。

Mhmm.

是让生活自然发生在我们或他人身上，还是我们主动塑造生活。

Life happening to us or life happening to other people, perhaps, and us happening to life.

试图找到这些因素的交集，看起来并不特别简单。

Trying to find the middle of the Venn diagram of all of these, doesn't seem superbly simple.