如何在前任仍让你念念不忘时继续前行（4个最终让你解脱的残酷真相）

这是一档iHeart播客节目。

This is an iHeart podcast.

我是博士。

I'm Doctor.

斯科特·巴里·考夫曼，《心理学播客》的主持人。

Scott Barry Kaufman, host of the Psychology Podcast.

以下是关于如何成为更好的自己的一段即将播出的对话片段。

Here's a clip from an upcoming conversation about how to be a better you.

当你考虑情绪调节时，除非你认为会有好的结果，否则你不会选择更费力的适应性策略。

When you think about emotion regulation, you're not going to choose an adaptive strategy which is more effortful to use unless you think there's a good outcome.

回避更容易。

Avoidance is easier.

忽视更容易。

Ignoring is easier.

否认更容易。

Denial is easier.

复杂的问题解决需要付出努力。

Complex problem solving takes effort.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或任何你获取播客的地方收听《心理学播客》。

Listen to the Psychology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

当你专注于感受而非那个人时，疗愈就开始了。

Healing starts when you focus on the feeling not the person.

你要专注于如何在没有那个人的情况下，自己也能获得那种感受。

And you focus on how you can give yourself that feeling without that person.

你如何为自己创造那份应得的情感和体验，即使没有那个人。

How you can create that emotion and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person.

你如何在没有那个人的情况下，找到与自己及他人的联系。

That you can find that connection with yourself and others without that person.

当你认为那个人比一段经历或一种情感更重要时，你将永远无法释怀。

When you think that that person is more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will never be able to let go.

头号健康与幸福播客。

The number one health and wellness podcast.

杰伊·谢蒂。

Jay Shetty.

杰伊·谢蒂。

Jay Shetty.

独一无二的杰伊·谢蒂。

The one, the only Jay Shetty.

大家好，欢迎回到《On Purpose》。

Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

我是主持人杰伊·谢蒂。

It's Jay Shetty, your host.

如果你还没订阅，请务必订阅。

If you haven't subscribed yet, please do.

这对我意义重大，也能确保你不会错过任何更新。

It will mean the world to me and make sure you never miss out on an upload.

如果你刚经历分手，或是几年前经历分手却仍受影响，这个视频就是为你准备的。

If you've recently gone through a breakup or you've been through a breakup maybe even a couple of years ago but it still affects you, this video is for you.

我认识的很多人最近都被甩了、分手了、断联了，这开始影响他们的自尊心。

So many people I know right now have been dumped, broken up with, disconnected and it started to affect their self esteem.

如果你曾在分手后质疑自己的价值，质疑自己是否值得被爱，质疑是否能再找到爱情，那就不要跳过这个视频。

If you've ever questioned your value after a breakup, if you've ever questioned whether you're worthy of love, if you've ever questioned whether you'll ever find love, don't skip this video.

我想先和你聊聊你真正怀念的是什么，因为我确信你脑海里浮现出各种画面：想念早上的短信，想念睡前聊天，想念约会时光。

I wanna start off by talking to you about what you actually miss because I'm sure your mind is coming up with all sorts of things like you miss the text in the morning, you miss the conversation before you went to bed, you miss the dates you went out on.

这很有趣，当你专注于怀念的一切时，其实你忘记了所有糟糕的时刻，对吧？

And it's really interesting because when you're focusing on everything you miss, you actually miss that you have forgotten all the bad times, right?

你怀念的是他们对你很差的那些瞬间。

You missed moments that they treated you badly.

我不是说你想念他们是因为想复合，而是你完全忘记他们存在过的那种想念。

And I don't mean you miss them like you want them back, you miss them as in you completely forget they existed.

但真正让你怀念的是这个。

But here's the real thing you miss.

你怀念的不是他们，而是你以为能和他们一起成为的那个自己。

You don't miss them, you miss who you thought you'd be with them.

最残酷的真相莫过于：你深爱过某人，失去他们后，故事结束很久仍无法释怀。

It's one of the hardest truths to face that you can love someone deeply, lose them and still feel stuck long after the story ends.

你告诉自己：我早该走出来了。

You tell yourself, I should be over this by now.

但回忆总是不期而至。

But the memories still show up.

那首歌、那个气味、那张旧照片，突然之间你又回到了当初。

The song, the scent, the old photo and suddenly you're right back there again.

今天，我想谈谈当你无法放下前任时该怎么办。

Today, I want to talk about what to do when you just can't get over your ex.

不是出于评判，而是出于理解。

Not from judgment, but from understanding.

因为你感受到的不是软弱，而是本能。

Because what you're feeling isn't weakness, it's actually wiring.

让我们开始吧。

Let's get into it.

我想先和你聊聊为什么你无法放手，因为我确信你经历过这种情况。

I want to start by talking to you about why you can't let go because I'm sure you've experienced it.

无论是刷他们的社交媒体，还是向仍认识那个人的朋友打听消息，或是故意路过他们工作的地方只为看看近况，又或是忍不住翻看你们的老照片和回忆。

Whether you're scrolling through their social media, whether you're checking in with a friend of a friend who still knows that person, whether you still walk past their workplace just to see how they are, what's going on, whether you're someone who just can't stop looking at your old pictures with them, your old memories.

当我们坠入爱河时，大脑会释放多巴胺和催产素，这些化学物质与成瘾有关。

When we fall in love, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, the same chemicals tied to addiction.

这就是为什么分手不仅会造成情感上的痛苦，还会带来生理上的不适。

That's why a breakup doesn't just hurt emotionally, it hurts physically.

你正在经历对一个人的戒断反应。

You're in a withdrawal from a person.

但真正让你困在原地的不仅是化学反应，还有身份认同。

But what really keeps you stuck isn't just the chemistry, it's identity.

在数月或数年间，你不只是你，而是'我们'。

For months or years, you weren't just you, you were us.

你的计划、日常习惯，甚至自我认知都与他们交织在一起。

Your plans, routines, even your sense of self were intertwined with theirs.

从来都不是关于你一个人，而是关乎你们双方。

It was never about you, it was about both of you.

从来都不只是关于你，而是关于我们。

It was never just about you, it was about us.

从来都不只是关于你，而是关于我们。

It was never just about you, it was about we.

所以当他们离开时，感觉不只是失去一个人，更像是失去了自己的倒影。

So when they leave, it doesn't just feel like losing a person, it feels like losing your reflection.

你开始追逐一个结局，但你真正想要的是确认自己曾重要过。

You start chasing closure, but what you really want is a confirmation that you mattered.

那个版本的你似乎依然存在，只是没有了他们。

That that version of you feels still alive, but without them.

你几乎复制了他们太多的特质，以至于你追逐那部分、渴望那部分的自己依然存在，但这段关系已不复存在。

You've almost mirrored so many of their chemicals that that part of you that chases that, that wants that still exists, but the relationship doesn't exist anymore.

或许你会重放每段对话、每个选择，寻找本可以不同的那个瞬间。

Maybe you replay every conversation, every choice, searching for the moment it could have gone differently.

我认识很多人会回想并说：不，就是这一刻。

I know so many people who think back and say, no, it was this moment.

就是我开始为自己留出时间的那一刻。

It was the moment that I started to carve out time for myself.

你知道吗，就是当我告诉他们我不喜欢他们那样做的时候。

You know what, it was this moment when I told them I didn't like it when they did that.

那就是我推开他们的时刻。

That was the moment I pushed them away.

你知道吗，就是当我跟他们谈起前任女友的那一刻，让我感到不安。

You know, it was the moment where I talked to them about their ex girlfriend that made me feel insecure.

就在那一刻，他们转身离开了。

That was the moment they walked away.

你开始编造故事。

You start creating stories.

你开始编造理由。

You start creating reasons.

你开始赋予实际上并不存在的意义。

You start creating meaning that actually doesn't exist.

你没有任何事实依据来验证这些想法。

That you have no fact to validate from or verify from.

这不是疗愈。

That's not healing.

这是你的大脑试图改写一个它不愿结束的故事。

That's your mind trying to rewrite a story that it doesn't want to end.

关于分手有个真相。

Here's the truth about breakups.

我们沉迷的不是那个人，而是他们在身边时的感觉——那种被需要、被关注和被选择的感觉。

We don't get addicted to people, we get addicted to how we felt around them, how we felt wanted, seen and chosen.

如今他们离开了，你的大脑在追逐那种感觉，而不是那个人。

And now that they're gone, your brain is chasing that feeling, not the person.

有趣的是，我们以为自己在挽回那个人，实际上我们是在挽回那种感觉。

It's fascinating that we think we're chasing the person back, but really we're chasing the feeling back.

正因如此，去寻找能让你从自身、朋友、社群和联结中获得那种感受的事物至关重要，因为那种感受本就该属于你。

And that's why it's so important to go and find something else that gives you that feeling from yourself, your friends, community, connection, because that feeling is something that should belong to you.

被看见是美好的。

Being seen is beautiful.

被需要是美好的。

Being wanted is beautiful.

被选择是美好的。

Being chosen is beautiful.

但如果这种感受只依赖于某个已不在场的人，那对方本就不是对的人。

But if it's dependent on one person and one person alone that isn't any longer there, then that isn't your person.

若你想在分手后开始释怀，不妨问问自己：这段关系中最让我感到鲜活的是哪个部分？

If you want to start letting go after a breakup, ask yourself, what part of me felt most alive in that relationship?

现在我该如何把这种感觉重新给予自己？

And how can I give that back to myself now?

疗愈便由此开始。

That's where healing starts.

当你专注于感受而非那个人时，疗愈就开始了。

Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person.

你要专注于如何在没有对方的情况下，自己创造那种感受。

And you focus on how you can give yourself that feeling without that person.

如何在没有那个人时，为自己创造你应得的情感和体验。

How you can create that emotion and that experience for yourself that you deserve without that person.

你完全可以在没有那个人的情况下，与自己及他人建立这种联结。

That you can find that connection with yourself and others without that person.

当你认为那个人比一段经历或一种情感更强大时，你将永远无法释怀。

When you think that that person is more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you will never be able to let go.

那种情感是你亲身经历过的。

That emotion is something you experienced.

它是经由你产生并释放出来的。

It's something that came through you and out of you.

它依然存在于你内心。

It still exists within you.

你只需找到正确的火花来重新发现它。

You just have to find the right spark to rediscover it.

你只需重新连接那个曾感到如此鲜活、如此紧密的自我部分，因为它本就存在于你体内，它是你的，你曾真切感受过。

You just have to reconnect with that part of you that felt so alive, that felt so connected because it's already within you, it's yours, you felt it.

你确实感受过。

You felt it.

我们常犯的一个错误是认为他人让我们产生感受。

One thing we mistake is we think other people make us feel things.

不，他人只是按下按钮，而我们感受到的是自己内心的东西。

No, other people push buttons and we feel what's inside of us.

韦恩·戴尔有个绝妙的例子：他说如果你挤压橙子，会流出什么？

There's an amazing example from Wayne Dyer where he said, if you squeeze an orange, what comes out?

橙汁。

Orange juice.

你挤压橙子时不会流出柠檬汁。

You don't squeeze an orange and lemon juice comes out.

显现的正是内在已有的。

What comes out is what's already within.

所以无论别人是以压力还是积极的方式挤压你，显现的都是你内在已有的东西。

So if someone squeezes you either in a stressful way or a positive way, what comes out was what was already within you.

当你意识到人们只能激发出你内在已有的特质时。

When you acknowledge that people only bring out of you what exists within you.

你会说，哦，是你激发了我的这一面。

You say, oh, you brought this out of me.

你激发出了我最好的一面。

You bring the best out of me.

那是因为它本就属于你。

That's because it's yours.

别忘了，你喜爱与他人共度的任何体验都源自你的内在，而且它仍然可触及。

Don't forget that whatever you love to experience with someone else came from within you and it's still accessible.

第二部分，让你停滞不前的迷思。

Part two, the myths that keep you stuck.

我觉得很有趣的是，当我谈到创作故事时，我们会构建故事叙事，却忘记所有发生过的坏事，对吧？

I think it's so interesting when I was talking about the idea of writing stories, we create the story narrative forgetting all the bad things that happened, right?

当有人和你分手后，你只会想起美好的时光。

Someone breaks up with you and now you're only thinking about the good times.

你只记得那些积极的回忆。

You're only thinking about the positive memories.

你忘记了争吵，忘记了过错，因为现在你只想不惜一切代价挽回那个人，因为这个故事让你感到安全。

You're forgetting the arguments, you're forgetting the mistakes because now you're just like, would do anything to have that person back because that's the story that makes me feel safe.

这是一个非常重要的部分。

And this is a really important part.

你的大脑并没有与你作对。

Your brain is not working against you.

它正试图让你感到安全。

It's trying to make you feel safe.

正因为它试图让你感到安全，所以它希望你感到舒适。

And because it's trying to make you feel safe, it wants you to feel comfortable.

于是它会提醒你所有舒适的事物，让你愿意再次忍受那些负面情绪。

And so it reminds you of all the comfortable things so that you're willing to even tolerate all the negative things all over again.

让我们来谈谈那些困住我们的故事。

So let's talk about the stories that keep us trapped.

第一个迷思是：

Here's myth number one.

时间能治愈一切。

Time heals everything.

时间并不能治愈一切。

Time doesn't heal everything.

当你不再等待痛苦消失，而是开始学会与伤痛共处时，治愈才会发生。

Healing happens when you stop waiting to feel nothing and start learning to live with what still hurts.

时间不会抹去记忆。

Time doesn't erase the memories.

它只是教会你以不同的方式承载它们。

It just teaches you how to carry them differently.

时间不会让痛苦消失。

Time doesn't make the pain vanish.

它只是帮助你不再让它控制你的一天。

It just helps you stop letting it control your day.

时间也无法修复过去。

And time doesn't fix the past.

它帮助你停止试图重温过去。

It helps you stop trying to relive it.

时间本身不会带来终结。

Time doesn't bring closure alone.

它给你空间去创造自己的终结。

It gives you space to create your own.

时间不会让你忘记他们。

Time doesn't make you forget them.

它帮助你记起自己。

It helps you remember yourself.

时间不会消除痛苦，它提醒你痛苦与进步可以共存。

Time doesn't remove the ache, it reminds you that pain and progress can coexist.

当我们不断重复‘时间会治愈一切创伤’这样的话，并且从别人那里听到‘只是需要时间’时。

When we keep repeating things like time heals all wounds and you hear it from other people, it will just take time.

这并不一定正确，因为关键在于你如何利用这段时间。

That's not necessarily true because it's what you do with that time.

关键在于你在这段时间里如何重复。

It's how you repeat within that time.

现实情况是，你离某件事物越远，它对你就越没有束缚力。

Now there is a reality that the further you get away from something, the less hold it has on you.

但如果你每天都沉浸在那段关系中，它依然会让你感到被束缚。

But if you're immersed in that relationship every day, it still feels like it has a hold on you.

所以你需要做的是思考那些占据你时间的‘钩子’。

So what you have to do is think about the hooks in your time.

刷他们的社交媒体、翻看旧照片、关注他们的动态——

Scrolling their social media, looking at past pictures, checking in on what they're up to.

所有这些行为都像钩子一样，让你被那段关系禁锢。

All of those things are like hooks that keep you held and imprisoned by that relationship.

如果你把所有时间都用来关注他们，时间也无法发挥作用。

Time can't do anything if the way you spend your time is completely fixated on them.

第二个误区：我只需要一个交代。

Myth number two, I just need closure.

我们都以为，如果他们能给出完美解释，我们就会感到满足。

We all think that if they gave us a perfect explanation, we'd feel satisfied.

但事实是，即使有人给出完美解释，你仍会找到不同意的点。

When the reality is, even if someone gave you the perfect explanation, you'd find another thing with it that you don't agree with.

真正的释怀是明白自己可能永远等不到道歉，但不再为此等待。

Closure is realizing you may never get the apology, but you're done waiting for it.

释怀是接受某些章节会毫无解释地结束，而这依然是个结局。

Closure is accepting that some chapters end without explanations and that's still an ending.

释怀是选择平静而非答案。

Closure is choosing peace over answers.

当你不再纠结于事情为何发生，而是开始专注于它教会了你什么时。

It's when you stop trying to understand why it happened and start focusing on what it taught you.

真正的释怀是明白你已经尽力了，而承载痛苦与见证他人成长都不是你的责任。

Closure is knowing you did what you could and that it's not your job to carry both your pain and their growth.

我认为追求所谓的'彻底释怀'本身就是一种误导。

I think closure is one of those misleading pursuits.

实际上，大脑的运作机制决定了它会本能地聚焦并渴望完成未竟之事。

And really what the mind is trying to do is that the mind is focused and wired to want to complete unfinished tasks.

心智天生厌恶未完成状态。

The mind doesn't love incompleteness.

但它不明白的是，这种完整感很少能通过他人来填补。

What it doesn't understand is that completeness rarely is filled by someone else.

我记得曾辅导过一个人，他执意要对方给出一个明确答复。

I remember coaching someone who just wanted this person to give them an answer.

对方确实给出了答复。

That person gave them an answer.

他们发了一封长邮件。

They sent them a long email.

结果这人又问：'那关于这点、这点和这点呢？'

And then the person said, well, about this, this and this?

'你根本没提到这些'。

You didn't raise this.

对方又通过短信再次回复了他。

That person replied again through text messages.

那人说道，那么，这个、这个、这个还有这个呢？

And the person said, well, what about this, this, this and this?

这个过程持续着，因为你真正想表达的是：我只是感觉不到被重视。

And that process continues because what you're really saying is I just don't feel valued.

我感觉自己不再被看见了。

I don't feel seen anymore.

我只想要你回来。

I just want you back.

这才是你真正想说的。

That's what you're saying.

你并不是真的在寻求解释，因为没有任何解释能让你满意。

You're not really asking for an explanation because there is no explanation to satisfy you.

因为唯一能让你满足的，是那一刻的你自己——当你意识到无论解释是什么，真正困扰我的不是他们对我的看法。

Because the only person who can satisfy you is yourself in that moment by recognizing that whatever the explanation it may be, what's worrying me is not what they think of me.

真正困扰我的是我对自己的看法。

What worries me is what I think of myself.

你担心的不是别人怎么看你。

What you're worried about is not what other people think of you.

你担心的是他们对你的看法可能是真的。

You're worried that what they think of you might be true.

那可能正是你对自己的看法。

It might be what you think about yourself.

这才是让你焦虑的根源。

That's what worries you.

你担心别人在你身上看到的东西可能真的存在。

You're concerned that what someone sees in you actually might exist.

但当你开始专注于这些，专注于自我成长、自我疗愈并努力克服时，你就能获得解脱。

But when you start focusing on that, on growing yourself, healing yourself, working through that, that's what gives you closure.

这会让你获得信心。

That's what gives you confidence.

我是医生。

I'm Doctor.

斯科特·巴里·考夫曼，《心理学播客》的主持人。

Scott Barry Kaufman, host of the Psychology Podcast.

这是一段关于探索人类潜能的即将播出的对话片段。

Here's a clip from an upcoming conversation about exploring human potential.

我曾去学校试图教孩子们这些技能，却遭到老师的白眼，还有学生会说‘直接打人脸更容易’。

I was going to schools to try to teach kids these skills, and I get eye rolling from teachers or I get students who would be like, it's easier to punch someone in the face.

当你考虑情绪调节时，除非你认为采用更费力的适应性策略能带来好结果，对你有益，否则你不会选择它。

When you think about emotion regulation, like, you're not gonna choose an adaptive strategy which is more effortful to use unless you think there's a good outcome as a result of it, if it's gonna be beneficial to you.

因为很容易就会说‘哦，你自己放空吧’。

Because it's easy to just say, like, like, oh, you go blank yourself.

对吧？

Right?

这很简单。

It's easy.

多喝一杯啤酒很容易。

It's easy to just drink the extra beer.

忽视那些烦人的同事，选择视而不见、转身走开很容易。

It's easy to ignore, to suppress seeing a colleague who's bothering you and just like walk the other way.

逃避更简单。

Avoidance is easier.

忽视更简单。

Ignoring is easier.

否认更简单。

Denial is easier.

喝酒更简单。

Drinking is easier.

大喊大叫很容易。

Yelling, screaming is easy.

解决复杂问题、冥想思考，

Complex problem solving, meditating,

你知道，这需要付出努力。

you know, takes effort.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你获取播客的任何平台收听《心理学播客》。

Listen to the Psychology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

第三个误区：如果我继续前进，就意味着我从未在乎过。

Myth number three, if I move on it means I never cared.

我们很多人会想：哦，如果我走出来了，就说明那段感情不是真的。

So many of us think, oh, if I move on it means that wasn't real.

如果他们走出来了，就说明那段感情不是真的。

If they move on, it means that wasn't real.

那不是真的。

That's not true.

有些事物可以真实存在，然后你或对方选择继续前行。

Something can be real and you can move on or they can move on.

有些事物可以在一段时间内真实存在。

Something can be real for a period of time.

树木有叶子是真实的吗？

Is it real that trees have leaves?

是的。

Yes.

但在秋天它们会落叶。

But in the fall they let them go.

这是否意味着它不曾真实？

Does that mean it wasn't real?

不，当然不是。

No, of course not.

你永远不会这么说。

You would never say that.

在那个季节里它是真实的。

It was real for that season.

有些事物可能在一个季节真实，而在下一个季节不再真实。

Something can be real for a season and not real for the next.

一段关系可能四年内对你有益，之后却不再适合。

A relationship can be good for you for four years and not for the next.

一段关系可能在某个阶段对你意义非凡，却在下一阶段不再如此。

A connection can be powerful for you for a certain amount of time and not for the next.

当你强行让关系保持契合、共鸣与正确时，实际上是在违背自然规律。

When you force it to be relevant, relatable, right for you, you actually are going against the grain of nature.

选择前行并不意味着爱不真实。

Moving on doesn't mean that love wasn't real.

它意味着你已经领悟了这段关系要教会你的东西。

It means you've learned what it came to teach you.

如果有人选择离开，不代表他们对你付出的感情是虚假的。

If someone moves on, it doesn't mean that their feelings for you weren't real.

只是说明他们的爱存在期限。

It just means they had a deadline.

只是说明他们的感情有时间标尺，终有落幕之时。

It just means they had a timeline and it means they had an end.

这时你会问：那我如何判断他人对我的感情是否真实？

Now you'd say, well then how do I ever know anyone has feelings for me that are real?

因为真正与你双向奔赴的人，会每日为这份感情浇灌滋养。

Because the person that you have feelings for that are real and the person that has them for you is someone who waters them every day.

曾有弟子问佛陀：'喜欢'与'爱'有何区别？

A student once came to the Buddha and asked, what is the difference between I like you and I love you?

佛陀答道：喜欢一朵花，你会摘下它；

And the Buddha replied, When you like a flower, you simply pluck it.

而爱一朵花，你会每日为它浇水。

But when you love a flower, you water it every day.

真实的感情是每天都需要投入的感情。

Real feelings are feelings that people invest in every day.

真正的爱情不是在婚礼、订婚或纪念日那天才决定的。

A real love is a love that isn't decided on on a wedding day or an engagement or an anniversary.

它是那种每天都会出现的爱。

It's one that shows up every single day.

第四个误区。

Myth number four.

如果他们回来，最终就会成功。

If they came back, it would finally work.

你们中有多少人曾经说过这句话？

How many of you have ever said this?

这次如果他们回来，我会改变，我会重塑自己，不再抱怨，不再提出问题。

This time if they came back, I would change, I would mold myself, I won't complain anymore, I won't raise issues.

但说实话，你提出那些问题是因为情况并不好。

But let's be honest, you raised those issues because it wasn't good.

是他们的行为或某种互动让你感到不舒服。

There was their behavior or an interaction that didn't sit right with you.

现在你突然就要放手不管了。

Now all of a sudden you're gonna just let that go.

突然间你就要说我再也不会对不良行为有任何意见了。

All of a sudden you're gonna say I'm never ever gonna have an issue with bad behavior ever again.

这就是你想要的爱情吗？

Is that the kind of love you want?

这就是你想要的那种爱吗？

Is that the kind of love you want to receive?

一种你无法分享感受的爱？

One that you don't get to share what you feel?

如果无法坦诚相待，那还算是爱吗？

Is it love if you can't be honest with them?

如果表达情感时心怀恐惧，那还算是爱吗？

Is it love if you can't express your emotions without feeling fearful?

如果表达感受会让对方不适，那还算是爱吗？

Is it love if you can't express how you feel without them feeling uncomfortable?

如果分享情感时总担心对方反应，这怎么能算爱？

How can it be love if you can't share, express your feelings and emotions without feeling like they may react?

真相是这样的。

Here's the truth.

你并不想念他们。

You don't miss them.

你想念的是希望。

You miss hope.

但毫无改变的希望，不过是另一场即将发生的心碎。

But hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen.

当你不再滋养这些幻想，就能摆脱让你停滞的错觉。

When you stop feeding these myths, you stop feeding the illusion that keeps you stuck.

我们不断制造这些幻想，制造虚幻的人生版本，却未意识到它们终将反噬。

We keep creating these illusions, illusory versions of life, Not realizing that yet they'll come back.

是的，一个月里你会保持沉默，而一个月后你又会因他们的行为感到不快。

Yes for a month you won't say anything and in a month you will be upset about their behavior again.

一个月后你会感到烦躁。

In a month you will be irritated.

然后当你提出时他们会说，等等，我以为你再也不会提这件事了。

And then when you raise it they'll say, wait a minute I thought you were never gonna raise this again.

你说，是的我本不想提，但这事对我很重要。

You say, yeah I didn't want to but it's a big deal to me.

你们最初分手的原因是有某种根深蒂固的东西让你们无法连接。

The reason that you broke up in the first place is that there's something deeply rooted that disconnects you.

你们的分手并非无缘无故。

You didn't break up over nothing.

不要因为短期觉得那个人能让你平静，就长期把戏剧性事件重新引入你的生活。

Don't invite drama back into your life long term because you think that person will make you feel peaceful short term.

你会因为不愿承受短期内失去他们的痛苦，而让一个曾伤害过你的人重新进入你的生活。

You'll invite someone who caused you pain back into your life because you don't wanna deal with the pain of losing them in the short term.

你不想那样做。

You don't wanna do that.

第三部分，如何真正疗愈。

Part three, how to actually heal.

这里我们要从理解转向行动。

Here's where we go from understanding to action.

第一步是停止滋养幻想。

The first step is stop feeding the fantasy.

如果你还在美化那些高光时刻，你就无法真正痊愈。

You can't heal if you're still romanticizing the highlight reel.

切断所有联系：社交媒体、旧照片、播放列表。

Block the breadcrumbs, social media, old photo, playlists.

老话说得好：眼不见，心不烦。

The saying out of sight, out of mind couldn't be more true.

你不是小题大做，你只是在保护自己的康复过程。

You're not being dramatic, you're protecting your recovery.

如何停止这个故事的循环？

How do you stop the story?

你要同时审视两条故事线才能停止循环，对吧？

You stop the story by looking at both storylines, right?

如果你只关注现在感受到的故事线，而忽视几个月前经历的那条，你就看不到全貌。

If you only look at the storyline you're feeling right now and you ignore the story line you felt a couple of months ago, you're not looking at the full picture.

看清全局。

Look at the full picture.

把你们彼此不合适的每个具体原因都写下来。

Write out every reason why you actually saw you weren't right for each other.

不是写对方有多糟糕，而是写为什么你们不合适——毕竟你早就看到足够多的迹象了。

Not why they're a bad person, but why you weren't right for each other because you had enough of those signs.

有时候你因被分手而难过，其实是因为你本想先提分手。

Sometimes the reason you're upset that someone broke up with you is because you wanted to break up with them first.

你本想成为主动结束关系的人，只是当时缺乏勇气。

You wanted to be the person who ended things but you were scared of doing that.

现在你处于相反的位置——当你早已意识到关系走向不对时，对方却先提出了分手。

And now you're living on the opposite end where they've broken up with you when you were the one who knew it wasn't going in the right direction.

但再次强调，是恐惧让你困在这段错误的关系里。

But again, it was fear that kept you in the wrong relationship.

而现在，恐惧又会驱使你重蹈覆辙。

And now it's fear that will make you go back to the wrong relationship.

恐惧既让我们深陷错误关系，又促使我们反复追逐不良关系。

Fear keeps us in the wrong relationships and it makes us pursue the bad relationships all over again.

当你取关他们的社交媒体、不再关注他们的动态、不再让他们参与你的生活时，这并非小题大做。

You're not being dramatic when you disconnect from their social media, when you stop checking in on what they're up to, when you stop making them a part of your life.

这样才能真正开始消化情绪，而不是不断编造故事。

It allows you to truly start processing and not keep creating these stories.

第二，感受情绪但不要戏剧化。

Number two, feel without dramatizing.

你不必假装自己没事。

You don't have to pretend you're fine.

悲伤其实是健康的情绪。

Grief is actually healthy.

不健康的是让悲伤成为你的身份标识。

What's unhealthy is making it your identity.

与悲伤共处，但别在那里搭帐篷长住。

Sit with the sadness, but don't pitch a tent there.

试试这个日记引导法。

Try this journaling prompt.

这段关系教会了我什么关于需求而非价值的事？

What did this relationship teach me about my needs not my worth?

分手后，我们最大的错误是认为发生的事情反映了我们的价值，而非我们的需求。

After a breakup, the biggest mistake we make is we think that what happened is a reflection of our worth, not a reflection of our needs.

当你将事情归因于自身价值时，只会感觉更糟。

When you reflect something onto your worth, you just feel worse.

当你意识到某些事在教会你关于自身需求时，你才能真正向前迈进，并认清未来想要什么。

When you recognize something is teaching you about your needs, you're actually able to move forward and recognize what you want in the future.

第三，重建你的日常仪式。

Number three, rebuild your rituals.

心碎会偷走生活结构。

Heartbreak steals structure.

而疗愈能将其归还。

Healing gives it back.

开始建立新的生活锚点：晨间散步、健身课程、心理咨询、与朋友共进晚餐。

Start creating new anchors, morning walks, gym sessions, therapy, dinner with friends.

实际情况是，你的大脑已习惯了与那个人共处的生活节奏。

What happens is your brain had a rhythm of life with that person.

早安短信、晚间通话、周末约会之夜——你的大脑已用新节奏替代了旧节奏。

The morning text, the evening call, the date night on the weekend, your brain had found a new rhythm that had replaced your old rhythm.

记住，在遇见这个人之前你本就是单身。

Remember you were single before this person.

在遇见这个人之前，你也有自己的生活节奏。

You had a rhythm before this person.

你是做什么的？

So what do you do?

你需要建立一个新的节奏。

You've got to create a new rhythm.

这个新节奏必须触及你最受触动的时刻。

And the new rhythm has to tap into the moments where you feel the most triggered.

如果你能找出一天中三次最受分手影响的时刻，并意识到这些正是你最需要自我关怀、最需要人际连接、最需要他人陪伴、最需要避免陷入回忆陷阱的时刻。

If you can identify the three times in your day where you're most affected by this breakup and recognize that those are the moments you want to give yourself the most care, the most connection, the most being with other people, the most ability to not fall into that trap of revisiting the past.

这才是你需要专注的地方。

That's what you want to focus on.

第四，转变提问方式。

Number four, shift the question.

不要问为什么没能成功？

Instead of asking, why didn't it work?

而要问在努力维系的过程中，我正在成为哪个版本的自己？

Ask to what version of me was I becoming while trying to make it work?

如果你正在成为更好的自己，如何继续保持？

If you are becoming a better version of yourself, how can you continue to do that?

如果你正在变得不如从前，如何以此提醒自己不要重蹈覆辙？

And if you are becoming a lesser version of yourself, how do you use that to remind yourself that you don't want to go back there?

追问为什么失败，会得到无数答案——有对方的，也有你自己的。

Asking yourself why it didn't work, there'll be a million answers and there'll be so many from them and your side.

但事实很简单：没能成功是因为对方不愿努力维系。

But the truth is it didn't work because they didn't wanna make it work.

当一方不愿维系时，单凭你的努力也无法让关系继续。

And when one person doesn't wanna make it work, it doesn't work just because you do.

健康的关系需要双方都愿意为之付出。

A healthy relationship is where both people want to make it work.

你不想与不愿维系关系的人在一起，因为仅靠一方的努力永远无法成功。

You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't wanna make it work with you because it's never gonna work just because one person wants it to work.

只有当双方共同努力并希望关系持续时，它才能真正维系。

A relationship only works when both people work on it together and want it to work.

这就是健康长期关系的定义。

That is a definition of a healthy long term relationship.

两个人都致力于维系这段关系。

Both people are committed to making it work.

世上并不存在所谓对的人。

There is no such thing as the right person.

只有那个愿意出现并努力让事情变好的人。

There's only the person who's willing to show up to try and make things right.

当你们都愿意这样做时，关系就会正常运转。

When you both wanna do that, the relationship is in working order.

第五点：让痛苦转化为目标。

And number five, let pain become purpose.

你并非要抹去自己的过往。

You're not meant to erase your story.

你注定要在经历中成长。

You're meant to evolve through it.

每段心碎要么让你变得冷酷，要么让你更具人性。

Every heartbreak can either harden you or humanize you.

区别在于你是从中学习还是沉溺其中。

The difference is whether you learn or linger.

我发现对很多人来说，当心碎的那一刻，你根本无法相信它还能重新愈合。

What I find for so many people is that when you're in the moment where your heart's been broken, you can't believe it ever being glued back together.

神奇的是，我指导过的每个人最终都会重新找到爱情——这每次都发生——他们会完全忘记那段伤痛曾经存在。

And what's incredible is that anyone that I've coached through that time when they finally find love again, which happens every time, they completely forget that ever existed.

你现在不必怀抱希望。

You don't have to be hopeful right now.

你现在也不必相信。

You don't have to believe right now.

你只需要练习如何修复心灵，并找到继续前行的目标和意义。

All you have to do is practice putting your heart back together and creating purpose to move forward, meaning to move forward.

有个美好的传统工艺叫金缮。

There's a beautiful practice called Kitsugi.