128. 他们能真切感受到的支持…如何真正为你所爱之人留出空间

开始制作吧。

Approach production.

我需要你的建议。

I need your advice.

你还好吗？

Are you okay?

发生什么事了？

What happened?

保证不会太过分？

Promise it won't be too much?

带过来吧。

Bring it in.

欢迎来到我们的闺蜜环节。

Welcome to our bestie segment.

这就是为你准备的地方。

This is the place for you.

大家好。

Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到《她崛起》，又一轮闺蜜建议时间。

Welcome back to She Rises, another bestie advice.

这次投稿内容很短，但我们有很多话要说。

And this one, the woman has written in a very short paragraph, but there's a lot we've got to say about it.

完全同意。

Absolutely.

我们觉得这个话题对所有人都有帮助。

And we feel this is a topic that everyone can benefit from.

我们都能在这方面做得更好，而且我们喜欢讨论这个，因为沟通对我们非常重要。

We can all improve on, and we love talking about it because communication is very important to us.

确实如此。

It is.

好的。

Alrighty.

今天的匿名投稿问题是：如何更好地为伴侣、朋友或家人留出情感空间？

So today's anonymous submission says, how to hold space better for a partner or friendship or family member?

我该如何支持某人，同时确保他们真正感受到被支持？

How can I support someone but actually make sure they feel supported?

你来解答吧，Tee。

Take it away, Tee.

这是个重要的问题。

This is a big question.

确实如此。

It is.

首先

The first thing

我想到的就是要提高倾听能力。

that comes to mind is just get better at listening.

没错。

Yeah.

你知道，有时候在对话中插话或急于表达自己的观点真的很容易，我自己就经常这样。

You know, just and sometimes it's really easy to interject in conversations or want to put your 2¢ in Guilty.

这类人都会有这种情况。

People of that sort of stuff.

你们讨论过这个问题吗？我记得我以前总是那样做。

Have you had a conversation about this But in a I remember I used to do that all the time.

我以前总爱插话表达自己的意见，但有时候人们只是需要你倾听。

I used to interject all the time and put my opinion, and sometimes people just want you to listen to them.

所以真正的陪伴其实是克制自己，让他们把想说的都说出来，然后再给出建议或支持，或者确认他们需要什么。

And so holding space really is about holding back, letting them get everything out that they want to say, and then coming in with like your advice or support or checking in and seeing what they're needing.

因此我要说的第一点就是努力提升倾听能力。

So that's the first thing that I would say is just try and get better at listening.

你会发现，那个人会因为你真正坐下来倾听而感到被充分理解。

And you'll find that, know, that person will feel so heard by you because you're actually sitting.

你正在给予他们倾诉的空间。

You're holding space.

你不是为了回应而听

You're not listening to respond.

你是为了倾听而听

You're listening to listen.

是啊

Yeah.

我首先想到的也是直接问他们此刻需要你做什么

First thing that comes to me too is actually asking them what they need from you in that moment.

对

Yes.

你需要支持吗？

Do you want support?

你需要建议吗？

Do you want advice?

你是需要发泄情绪吗？

Are you needing to vent?

告诉我怎样才能支持你。

Let me know how I can support you.

这不仅让你清楚如何支持他们，也让他们感到安心。

And it not only gives you clarity on how you can support them, but it makes them feel comfortable.

这能帮助他们明确自己当下真正需要什么。

It helps them get clear on what they actually need in that moment.

太重要了

Big

因为第一点，

because one.

就拿昨晚来说，我为了一个合作项目的事去找史蒂夫。

Even last night, I went for example, I went to Steve for something related to a project that we're doing.

嗯哼。

Mhmm.

他立刻进入了解决问题的模式，我说：亲爱的，我得打断你一下。

And he straight away went into fixing mode, and I said, babe, I'm gonna interrupt you here.

我不需要解决方案。

I don't need solutions.

我们已经搞定了。

We've got it.

我们已经想出办法了。

We've figured it out.

我只是需要你陪在我身边支持我。

I just needed you to hold the space and just be there for me.

他说，哦，糟糕。

He's like, oh, shit.

抱歉。

Sorry.

我在工作中总是这样处理与海德威的事。

I just deal with this at work all the time with hideaway.

我立刻就想出了解决方案，但我需要更好地告诉他，我一开始就应该说，嘿。

I just came up with solutions straight away, but I needed to get better at telling him I should have said at the start, hey.

我现在只需要你为我留出空间，认真倾听。

I just need you to hold space for me right now and just listen.

我不需要解决方案。

I don't need a solution.

所以这就像是双方都在更好地沟通当下需要什么。

So it's like both getting better at communicating what you need in that moment.

是啊。

Yeah.

爱

Love

这个。

that.

有人这样做时，感觉就像是，哦，我可以倾听。

Someone does that, it's like, oh, I can listen.

哦，是的。

Oh, yeah.

他们想听我的建议。

They want my advice.

因为这样也能防止你感到沮丧，比如想着'他们没能以我需要的方式支持我'。

Because then it prevents you from getting upset as well from being like, oh, well, they didn't hold me in the way that I needed them to.

就像在问：'你表达过这个需求吗？'

It's like, did you communicate that?

所以练习这样做真的很有帮助。

So it's like practicing doing that is a really good one.

我觉得从能量层面来说，你的肢体语言也非常重要。

I think energetically too, your body language is really important.

保持大量眼神交流，手臂自然下垂不要交叉，肩膀放松——这样能让对方也自在呼吸，与你共处当下。

A lot of eye contact, arms down, not arms folded, relaxed shoulders because it allows them to breathe and just be in the moment with you as well.

是啊。

Yeah.

就像你真正投入其中那样。

Like, you're actually engaged.

你在倾听

You're listening.

你在看手机

You're on your phone.

他们没有在和你说话时发短信

You're not texting while they're talking to you.

你分心了

You're going off Distracted.

稍等

Hold on.

让我先快速接个电话

Let me just answer this call real quick.

对

Yeah.

察言观色，如果这对对方是个重要话题，既令人害怕又脆弱，你要给予他们全神贯注的关注

Read the room and make sure that if it is a big topic for that person and it's scary and it's vulnerable, you're giving them your undivided attention.

我认为暂停非常重要。

And pausing, I think, is really important.

实际上这是我从Megsie那里学到的。

Something I've learned from Megsie, actually.

她也在工作坊里，但当你为一位女性或任何人保持空间时，要能量充沛地张开手掌，在他们说完后允许停顿。

She's in the workshop too, but when you're holding space for a woman or for whoever energetically having your palms open and allowing the pause after they've spoken.

因为有时会有更多内容浮现。

Because sometimes more can come up.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你只需允许那个空间存在。

And you just allow that space.

不必急于回应或插话，只需允许稍作停顿。

There is no rush to respond or to jump in, but just allowing a bit of pause.

有时这种停顿也能让情绪浮现。

And sometimes that pause also allows emotions to come up.

是的。

Yeah.

所以如果他们需要继续哭泣，你可以给予更多空间和时间。

So if then they need to further cry, you can hold more space and give them more time.

因为大多数人身边并没有多少真正能给予他们情感空间的人。

Because most people, they don't have a lot of people in their circle that are holding space for them and really holding space.

我敢说我们都能立刻数出五个亲近的人——他们总是急于插话、给建议、解决问题、帮忙、消除你的痛苦。

I bet you we could name five people in our immediate close circle that just wanna jump in, give advice, fix, help, take your pain away.

我认识的人里，真正懂得如何给予情感空间的人并不多。

There's not a lot of people I know that can really hold space well.

这确实需要放慢节奏，只是陪伴在他们身边。

It is it really is about slowing down and just being with them.

确实。

Yeah.

是这样。

It is.

你会在为他人这样做时逐渐熟练，同时也会明白自己希望从他人那里得到什么。

And you'll get better at it for other people, and then you'll know what you want from other people as well.

是的。

Yeah.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what mean?

你可以开始为他人这样做，他们也会逐渐理解这种方式的意义。

You can start to do that for other people, and they'll get an idea of what that might look like.

然后他们可能也会开始模仿你的这种行为。

And then they might start mirroring you in that behavior too.

没错。

Yeah.

然后你就可以问他们：嘿，现在能为我留出空间吗？

And then you can ask them, hey, like, can you hold space for me now?

所以这其实就是一个不断试错的过程。

So it's just trial and error, really.

这需要练习。

It's practice.

这是实践的积累。

It's practice doing it.

练习克制你的意见，让人们分享他们想分享的内容。

Practice holding back your opinions and letting people share what it is they wanna share.

就像你说的，暂停一下，那是个非常好的建议。

Like what you said, pausing, that's a really good tip.

确实如此。

It is.

不过，我觉得

But, I think that's

前几天我们也有过这样的时刻。

We had a moment the other day too even.

你来找我谈过正在发生的事情。

You came to me about something that was happening.

我不会详细说明具体是什么，因为这与当前话题无关。

I'm not going to detail what it was because it doesn't matter for this particular subject.

我稍后可能会告诉你。

I'll probably tell you about it later.

嗯。

Yeah.

事情正在浮出水面。

It's coming out.

不。

No.

但当蒂安娜告诉我时，我对她保护欲很强。

But when Tiana was telling me I'm very protective of Tiana.

所以当她告诉我发生了什么事，有人可能做了什么或说了什么，或者她陷入困境时，我就会进入我的'拯救者'和'问题解决者'模式，我只想保护她，确保她的安全。

So when she tells me something's going on and someone has maybe done something or said something or she's in a pickle, I do go into my rescuer arch etype and my fixer, and I just wanna protect her and make sure she's safe.

而她就会说，嘿。

And she's like, hey.

之后，当我们结束那次对话时，我打电话给她说，妈的。

And afterwards, when we left that conversation, I called her and I was like, fuck.

我真的很抱歉。

I'm so sorry.

我觉得我刚才滔滔不绝地说了很多，还强行塞入了我的观点和想法，而你其实并没有要求我这样做。

I think I just, like, talked your ear off and injected my opinion and my thoughts when you didn't actually ask for that.

蒂安娜立刻回应说，好吧，我可以更明确地告诉你我需要什么。

And straight away, Tiana said, well, I can get better at telling you what I need.

这样我就能说，嘿。

So I can say, hey.

我需要你倾听，或者，嘿。

I want you to listen or, hey.

我需要建议。

I want advice.

你觉得呢？

What do you think?

是啊。

Yeah.

所以我们俩都意识到，哦，好吧。

So it's both of us being like, oh, okay.

我们能看到怎样可以做得更好。

We can see how we could do that better.

确实如此。

For sure.

我还说，我真的很想提升倾听的能力。

And I said, really wanna get better at just listening.

我知道这是我的缺点，过去也有很多人觉得我话太多。

And I know it's a fault of mine, and I know a lot of people in the past have found that too much.

我们射手座就是这样，心直口快，有什么说什么。

We're a true Sagittarian, and we have no filter, and we will tell you how it is.

我们不会粉饰太平，但这未必是件好事。

We don't sugarcoat things, but that's not necessarily a good thing.

但你知道吗？

But you know what?

这么说吧，当我们那次谈话时，是你主动提出来的。

In saying that, like, when we had that conversation, you brought that to me.

我并没有觉得你在插话。

I didn't feel like you interjected.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what mean?

我并不觉得你分享的内容是我不想听的。

I didn't feel like what you were sharing with me wasn't what I wanted to hear.

对我来说，在那个时刻，我对你分享的内容是持开放态度的。

Like, for me, in that moment, I felt open to what it was that you were sharing with me.

而且，对我来说，感觉我们只是在来回交谈。

And, like, for me, it felt like we were just having a conversation going back and forth.

是啊。

Yeah.

你知道吗？

You know?

但正因为你留意到了那种行为，比如，'哦，我想在这方面做得更好'。

But because you were mindful of that behavior, like, oh, I wanna do better at this.

但从接收端来看，并不是我主动来找你说'嘿'。

But on the receiving end, it wasn't like I was coming to you being like, hey.

我只是想发泄一下。

I just wanna vent.

我只需要你倾听，结果却因此感到失望，因为

I just need you to listen, and then I got disappointed by it because

并不是那样的。

it wasn't like that.

那只是，我们进行的一场

It was just, like, a conversation that we got to

共同参与的对话。

have together.

这可能是因为在我们的关系中有着充分的安全感，我们明白无论说什么都是出于善意。

It's probably because we have a lot of safety in our relationship that we know whatever we say comes from a good place.

百分之百。

100%.

但在以前的友谊中，我知道那太过火了。

But in previous friendships, I know that's been too much.

太过沉重了。

It's been too big.

太过直白了。

It's been too honest.

太过大胆了——他们可能只是希望我倾听。

It's been too bold where they probably just wanted me to listen.

是啊。

Yeah.

他们不知道如何表达这点，而我也不懂得如何保持倾听的空间。

And they didn't know how to communicate that, and I didn't know how to hold the space.

所以这其实是在学习如何在这方面做得更好并有效沟通。

So it's just learning to get better at that and communicate.

归根结底还是要有良好的沟通，对吧？

And it all comes down to really good communication, doesn't it?

而且，如果你没有能力支持某人，我认为明确表达这点也很重要。

And, also, if you don't have the capacity to hold someone, I think it's really important to communicate that as well.

嗯。

Yeah.

比如当有人来找你倾诉说「天哪」的时候——

So if someone comes to you and is like, oh my gosh.

我能告诉你发生了什么，但如果你自己情绪已经不稳定，你就无法像自己期望的那样、像对方需要的那样给予支持。

I could tell you what happened, and you're already dysregulated, you're not gonna be able to hold the space in a way that you would want to, in a way that they need.

这时你可以主动沟通说：嘿，

So you can get and communicate and say, hey.

我真的很想听你倾诉，我会一直在这里支持你。

I so wanna hear this, and I'm here for you.

我们今天下午能处理这件事吗？

Could we do this this afternoon?

我三点到四点有空档，但我需要陪孩子们做点事情，不管那是什么。

I've got a gap from three to four, but I just need to be with the kids and do this, whatever it is.

嗯。

Yeah.

你也有权表达自己是否有能力应对。

You're also allowed to communicate whether you have the capacity.

因为如果你已经超负荷了还硬撑，那点额外的压力可能会让你彻底崩溃。是的。

Because if you don't and you're already stretched, it might stretch that little bit further to the point that you break Yep.

那样你就连自己的情绪都处理不好了。

And then you're not coping with your own emotions.

你知道吗？

And you know what?

这事就发生在我和我姐姐之间，当时我在巴厘岛，因为某件事情绪突然崩溃了。

This happened with my sister and I when I was in Bali, and I got triggered about something.

那甚至不是什么大事，但不知为何，就是让我崩溃了。

And it wasn't even a big thing, but it just for some reason, it just tipped me over the edge.

我当时就想，哦，好吧。

And I was like, oh, okay.

我能明显感觉到胸口的情绪失调。

I can really notice a dysregulation in my chest.

然后我姐姐给我带来了一个超级兴奋的消息。

And then my sister brought something into me that was super exciting.

但你知道，兴奋感仍然是种失衡的能量。

But as you know, excitement is still dysregulated energy.

接着好事坏事接踵而至。

And then there was a positive thing and then a negative thing.

我还没准备好用我知道的方式去包容和支持她。

I wasn't ready to hold it and support her in the way that I know I could.

是的。

Yes.

所以实际上发生的是我从她那里抽离了。

And so what actually happened was I lent out from her.

在她需要我的那一刻我抱住了她，因为她遇到了些事情。

I held her in the moment when she needed me because she had something come up for her.

然后在接下来的两天里，我感觉自己明显在疏远她，因为没能正确支持她让我感到情绪失调。

And then over the next two days, was like, oh, I can really feel myself leaning out from her because I felt dysregulated from not being able to hold her correctly.

于是我去找她说：嘿，这就是我现在的感受。

And then so I went to her and I said, hey, like, this is how I'm feeling.

这是我现在面临的问题。

This is what's come up for me.

真美好。

Beautiful.

你知道，或许下次我们可以像往常那样先问问对方：嘿，你现在有能力倾听吗？

You know, do you think maybe next time, which we do for the most part, always say to each other, hey, do have the capacity?

是啊。

Yeah.

你知道吗？

You know?

但我随后重新设立了那个美好的界限，比如，嘿，我们能否一起协作，让这段关系变得更好呢？

But then I just, like, reinserted that beautiful boundary of, like, hey, can we collaborate together and build this relationship better Yeah.

就是确保我们在沟通时先问一句，嘿，你现在有余力吗？

Of, like, making sure we are communicating, hey, do you have the capacity first?

这是个值得问的好问题，对吧？

It's a good question to ask, isn't it?

是的。

Yeah.

这也是一种尊重。

It's respect too.

没错。

Yeah.

不能想当然地认为对方能承担一切。

It's not just assuming that they can hold everything.

是啊。

Yeah.

如果他们没那个余力，就会觉得你在向他们倾倒情绪，而他们自己已经不堪重负了。

And if they don't have the space, they would feel like you're just dumping on them, and they've already got so much on.

然后他们就开始窒息。

And then they start to drown.

没错。

Yes.

你会开始窒息，因为那种感觉太沉重了。

You start to drown because it feels so heavy.

大多数情况下，如果你先询问，十有八九对方会说当然有精力听你说——在你开口之前。

And for the most part, if you ask, someone's nine times out of 10 gonna say, of course, I have the capacity before you come in.

绝对如此。

Definitely.

这对你来说很合理吧。

Makes sense for you.

你知道吗？

You know?

但有时候那张许可纸条就像能走很远的路一样重要。

But sometimes that permission slip is just like it goes a really long way.

我觉得还有一点我非常喜欢的就是认可。

I think another thing that I really like too is just validation.

即使我不认同那个人的做法，我也会说，哇。

Even if I don't agree with what that person's doing, I'll say things like, wow.

我真的能看出并感受到这对你来说有多难。

I can really see and feel how hard this would be for you.

是啊。

Yeah.

就是认可他们所处的状态和感受，因为这能立刻让他们放下防备。

It's just validating where they're at, how they're feeling because that immediately drops their guard down.

他们不会觉得被你评判。

They don't feel judged by you.

是的。

Yes.

确实如此。

Like, oh so true.

他们理解了。

They understand.

就像，嘿。

Like, hey.

我不是孤身一人。

I'm not here alone.

我不是个疯狂的怪人。

I'm not a crazy psycho.

我不是自己或别人塑造的那个可怕大坏蛋。

I'm not this big bad wolf that I'm making myself out to be or someone else is making me out to be.

就像是，哦，他们懂我。

It's like, oh, they see me.

是啊。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

我可以深呼吸，和她一起解决这个问题。

I can take a breath, and I can work through this with her.

我会自己解决这个问题的。

I'll work through this on my own.

对。

Yeah.

你说得太对了。

You're so right.

被认可真的很重要。

Validation is really important.

这几乎就像是允许更多的脆弱性。

It's like almost like allows more vulnerability.

嘿，

Like, hey.

天啊。

Oh my god.

如果我是你，我也会这么觉得/这么做。

If I was in your position, I would feel the same way or I would be acting the same way or doing the same thing.

你对孩子也是这样的。

And you do it with children.

就像他们摔倒受伤时，感觉天都要塌了。

It's like when they fall over and hurt themselves and their world is crumbling.

那一定很疼吧。

It's like, that must have hurt so much.

你的膝盖看起来伤得好厉害。

Your knee looks so sore.

真的很疼吗？

Did that really hurt?

哦，妈妈也会难过的。

Oh, mommy would be upset too.

哦，明白了。

Oh, understand.

太对了。

So true.

你知道，因为他们可能会感到尴尬、羞愧或局促不安，但这只是认可他们的感受，我们需要

You know, because they can get embarrassed or feel shame or get awkward, but it's just validating their feelings, but we need to do

对成年人也这样做。

that for adults as well.

然后它就像溶解了所有因他们正在做或经历的事情而产生的次要情绪和羞耻感。

And then it, like, dissolves all secondary emotion and shame that comes up as a result of whatever it is that they're doing or experiencing.

是啊。

Yeah.

所以对我来说，认可是一件大事。

So that's a big thing for me is validation.

我现在意识到你会这么做。

I realize now you do that.

我很喜欢这一点。

I love that.

是啊。

Yeah.

这很重要。

It's important.

有个不评判你的人陪在身边，这种感觉真的很美好。

It feels nice It does feel to have someone there with you that's not judging you.

没错。

Yeah.

有时候你不需要建议或意见，仅仅是这种认同感就足以化解你内心的困扰。

And then sometimes when you don't need advice or you don't need an opinion, it's just like that validation alone sometimes will be enough to dissolve whatever's come up for you.

因为想象一下区别——如果有人对你说‘天啊’

Because imagine the difference of someone being like, oh my god.

这太糟糕了。

That's fucked up.

我简直不敢相信会发生这种事。

I can't believe that happened.

是的。

Yes.

与真实情况相比。

Compared to True.

哇。

Wow.

这对你来说一定很沉重。

That must be really heavy for you.

我觉得我也会像你一样感同身受。

I feel like I would be feeling like you would too.

这很难受，亲爱的。

That's hard, babe.

比如，我在这里支持你

Like, so here for you

关于那件事

on that.

我们将此与恋爱关系联系起来

And we relate this to relationships.

有时我们想从伴侣那里得到的是认同感

Sometimes what we want from our partner is validation.

是的

Yes.

我只是希望你能倾听我

I just want you to hear me.

我只是希望你能倾听并理解我的感受

I just want you to hear and see what I'm feeling and

是啊

Yeah.

确保我在这种情况下感觉良好。

Make sure that I feel okay in this.

是啊。

Yeah.

就连史蒂夫，我只是

Even Steve I just

需要你倾听我。

need you to hear me.

是的。

Yes.

你知道吗？

You know?

就像前几天和史蒂夫一起，我们正在推进一些事情，却遇到了一个巨大的障碍，让我们相当失望，但我们知道最终会变得更好。

Even Steve with the other day, we're bringing out something, and we've come into a massive roadblock that we're quite disappointed in, but we know it'll work out to be better.

当我告诉史蒂夫时，他的反应几乎是‘哦，好吧’。

And when I told Steve, it was almost like, oh, yeah.

看起来他不太感兴趣。

It seemed like he wasn't that interested.

他说并不是我不感兴趣。

He said it wasn't that I wasn't interested.

这种事经常发生，或者被隐藏起来。

It's happens all the time or hideaway.

是的。

Yes.

在我心里，这没什么大不了的。

That in my head, it's no big deal.

对。

Right.

但忘了这是你和Tiana合作的第一个产品，当然很重要。

But forgetting this is your first product that you're with Tiana, of course, it's a big deal.

是的。

Yes.

你们为此投入了这么多，而这种事情在各地都时有发生。

You guys have put so much into this, whereas this happens all the time places.

是啊。

Yeah.

我必须快速行动并迅速调整方向。

And I have to move fast and pivot fast.

我对‘公平’并不执着。

I'm not attached to Fair enough.

那个。

That.

所以我当时就想，哦，我明白你的立场了，但我只是希望你能表现出极大的兴趣，并承认这对我们来说真是他妈艰难的一天。

So was like, oh, I can see where you're coming from, but I just wanted you to show a big interest and validate that this was a really fucking hard day for us.

没错。

Yeah.

就像，当时很恼火，而且

Like, were annoyed and it

我们只是

would just We were

比如，哦。

like, oh.

没有按照预期工作

Didn't work the way

这导致整个发布都延迟了。

And it's delayed a whole launch.

是啊。

Yeah.

完全打乱了一切。

It's fully thrown everything out.

我们相信事出有因，所以转向推进其他事项，现在一切都好。

We trust it's happening for a reason, and we've pivoted to bring something else forward, so it's all fine.

但在那一刻，我们确实相当恼火。

But in that moment, we were pretty annoyed.

是啊。

Yeah.

我们太需要他了

Were So wanted him

就像，操蛋。

to be like, fuck.

这太糟糕了，宝贝。

That's so shit, babe.

是啊。

Yeah.

为什么会发生这种事？

Why did that happen?

天啊。

Oh my gosh.

快跟我说说。

Tell me about it.

因为他当时就说，哦，好吧。

Because he was like, oh, okay.

酷。

Cool.

我们来做这个或者随便怎样。

Let's do this or whatever.

我当时就说，不行。

I was like, no.

我已经做过了。

I've already done that.

比如，我还没准备好接受解决方案。

Like, I'm not ready for solutions.

我需要的是情感支持。

I'm ready emotional support.

亲爱的，解决方案我们早就讨论过了。

Already done we've done the solutions, babe.