170. 伴侣、葬礼与余波：无人提及的悲伤另一面

进入制作环节。

Approach production.

我需要你的建议。

I need your advice.

你还好吗？

Are you okay?

发生什么事了？

What happened?

保证不会太过分？

Promise it won't be too much?

带进来吧。

Bring it in.

欢迎来到我们的闺蜜环节。

Welcome to our bestie segment.

这就是为你准备的地方。

This is the place for you.

大家好。

Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到我们的闺蜜环节。

Welcome back to our Bestie segment.

别忘了我们每周会在你的耳边出现四次，周一、周二、周三和周五。

Don't forget we are in your ears four times a week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.

周二和周五是闺蜜投稿日。

Tuesday and Friday are a Bestie submissions.

你们已经匿名给我们写信了。

You guys have written to us anonymously.

我们完全不知道是谁投的稿。

We have no idea who's written them in.

无论是你们的棘手处境，还是任何你想从两个闺蜜这里获得建议的事情——就像如果我们处在你的境地时，我们会互相给出的那种建议。

Your sticky situations or just things that you want advice from two best friends who we would give to each other if we were in the situation that you're in.

那么今天你们给我们准备了什么？

So what have you got for us today?

确实如此。

Absolutely.

这个有点意思。

This one's a bit of an interesting one.

我父亲最近去世了，而他的伴侣（不是我母亲）让整个过程变得异常艰难。

My dad recently passed away and his partner, not my mom, has made every step of the way so difficult.

我试图从同理心的角度理解她只是处于悲痛中，但很多行为感觉是故意的。

I'm trying to see it from an empathetic view that she's just grieving, but so much of it feels intentional.

她和我父亲在一起两年，直到他去世。

She was with my dad for two years before he passed.

她将我和兄弟姐妹完全排除在他葬礼的所有决策之外。

She has shut me and my siblings out of every decision with his funeral.

她的孩子们致悼词并积极参与其中。

Her children do his eulogy and actively involved them.

她在守灵仪式上过度消费酒水，导致没钱为他立墓碑。

She spent excess on the bar tab at his wake and had nothing left for his headstone.

我和兄弟姐妹们不得不匆忙凑钱来支付墓碑费用。

My siblings and I had to scramble to be able to fund it.

她做的葬礼决定，根据我们之前的谈话，我知道那绝对不是我父亲想要的。

She's made decisions on the funeral that I know my dad never wanted based on conversations we had.

她确实让我们参与了墓碑设计，我们都同意了上面的文字内容。

She did involve us in his headstone, and we all agreed on what it would say.

但当草稿发给她后，她未经任何人（包括我奶奶——父亲的母亲）同意就擅自修改了内容，整件事完全变成了以她为中心。

And then when the draft was sent to her, she changed it without telling anyone, including my grandma, which is my dad's mom, and she has really made it all about her.

人们劝我放下别受影响，但我感觉她是想抹去父亲在她出现前的一切痕迹。

People are saying to move on and not let it affect me, but it feels like she is trying to erase any part of my dad before her.

我感到受伤又愤怒，现在甚至无法平静地去悼念场所缅怀父亲——只要看到那些被她篡改的文字就会怒火中烧。

I feel hurt and I feel angry and like I can't go to his memorial space to grieve him without being angry and seeing the words that she changed.

我不知道该如何跨过这个坎，或是解决这个问题。

I don't know how to move past this or resolve this.

每当有人试图和她沟通时，她就声称自己最了解父亲，说失去挚爱的人是她，她有权利做任何想做的事。

When anyone has tried to talk to her about it, she says that she knows him best and she's the one that has lost the person she loved and she has the right to do whatever she wants.

我父亲没有留下遗嘱，她接管了一切。

My dad didn't have a will and she has taken over everything.

我不在乎任何财物或金钱。

I don't care about any belongings or the money.

我唯一想要的就是我的父亲。

The only thing I want is my dad.

我想要原谅她，但我感到非常愤怒。

And I wanna be able to forgive her, but I feel so angry.

我该如何度过这一关？

How do I move through this?

哦，天哪。

Oh, man.

首先，我只想说我很抱歉。

Firstly, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry.

非常抱歉。

So sorry.

我无法想象那种感受会有多糟糕，她就这样闯进来接管一切，完全无视你和家人的意愿，毕竟他是你的父亲，这该有多令人失望。

I can't imagine what that would feel like and how disappointing that would be to feel like she has just come in and taken over and disregarded anything that you and your family want considering, like, he was your dad.

他是你一生的父亲。

He was your dad your whole life.

是的。

Yes.

她只陪伴了他两年，但他始终是你的父亲。

She spent two years with him, but he was your dad.

听起来你和他之间曾有过一段非常美好的关系。

And it sounds like you had such a beautiful relationship with him too.

听起来你和他非常亲密。

You sound super close with him.

我简直无法想象那种失望会有多深。

And I just can't imagine the disappointment that would come from that.

我真的很抱歉你不得不经历这些。

I'm really sorry that you had to experience that.

我真心为你感到心痛。

My heart really hurts for you.

是啊。

Yeah.

说到建议，唉。

Advice wise, gosh.

我觉得在这种情况下，你能做的确实不多。

I feel like in this situation, there really isn't a lot that you can do.

怀恨在心只会让你更加痛苦，而你已经够痛苦了。

And holding on to the resentment and the anger is just gonna cause you so much more pain, and you're already in pain.

你已经在思念他了。

You're already missing him.

你已经在为他哀悼了。

You're already grieving him.

但我知道这说起来容易做起来难。

But I know that's so much easier said than done.

是啊。

Yeah.

我是说，就我个人而言，每当我经历非常艰难的事情时，无论是悲伤还是其他什么，我都会寻求外界的支持，无论是通过闺蜜、教练还是专门研究我所经历问题的人。

I mean, personally, I think whenever I go through something really tough, whether it's grief or anything, I'm always getting outside support, whether that's through girlfriends or through a coach or someone that specializes in what I'm going through.

我会寻求支持。

I get support.

所以也许你可以寻求一些支持来帮助你度过这段宽恕的过程，同时做一些呼吸练习，从身体层面释放愤怒，并确保身边有一些能让你稳定的支持，因为悲伤不是会凭空消失的东西。

So maybe just getting some support to help you through this forgiveness and some breath work to, like, somatically remove that anger out of your body and just make sure that you've got some stabilizers around you to get you through this because grief is not something that just goes away.

是啊。

Yeah.

这该死的情绪挥之不去。

It fucking lingers.

有时候你明明好好的，第二天突然就崩溃了：这他妈怎么回事？

And one day, you're completely fine, and the next day, you're like, what the fuck?

那种痛苦就像被砖头砸中一样突然袭来。

It hits you like a ton of bricks.

确实如此。

It does.

甚至无法正常生活。

And you can't even function.

嗯。

Mhmm.

而我

And I

还没有失去父母。

haven't lost a parent yet.

我交谈过的大多数人，悲伤是持续不断的。

Most people I speak to, grief is just it's constant.

所以任何能支持你的事物都很重要。

So anything that you can have to help support you.

我猜你已经尝试过，但你是否试过写信给她，或者坐下来与她坦诚相待，不攻击也不批评，只是脆弱地讲述你在这个过程中的感受，以及你因她的决定和回应方式而难以应对？

I'm assuming you have, but also have you maybe tried to write a letter or sit down with her and just fully, vulnerably not attack her or criticize her, vulnerably talk about how you're feeling throughout this process and how you're struggling to cope with it because of the decisions that she's made and how she responded to that?

因为有时候我觉得我们都可以进行更好的对话。

Because sometimes I think we can all have better conversations.

我不知道她对此会有多开放或可能有多敏感，你必须不带任何期待地进行，因为她也在经历自己的旅程，也在哀悼。

I don't know how open she would be to that or how reactive she might be, and you have to go on with no expectations because she is on her own journey as well, and she is grieving.

我们每个人的哀悼方式都不同。

We all grieve differently.

在哀伤中很多时候，那并不是真实的我们。

And a lot of time in grief, that's not who we are.

是啊。

Yeah.

就像完全换了一个人似的，因为你的身体处于震惊和悲伤的状态，感觉如此沉重。

It's like a totally different person takes over because you just your body's in a stake of shock and sadness that it's just so heavy.

但我觉得我会这么做。

But I think that's what I would do.

你会怎么做？

What would you do?

哦，我不确定我会怎么做。

Oh, I don't know necessarily what I would do.

我想我可能会只想发怒。

I think I would just want to be angry.

而且，设身处地为你着想，我觉得自己可能会把父亲去世的愤怒转移到这个人身上。

And I, putting myself in your shoes, I'm thinking that I reckon I would be channeling that anger from my dad passing onto this person.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I mean?

几乎就像是在说，去你的吧。

Almost like a way of being like, well, fuck you.

而且，在我看来，你是在将对失去父亲的愤怒发泄在这个女人身上。

And, like, I see this as, like, you expressing your anger for having lost your dad onto this woman.

这个人几乎成了你宣泄情绪的渠道，让你可以骂一句'去你的'，把沮丧发泄出来，而不必完全面对悲痛。

This person is almost like a channel for you to be like, well, fuck you and get all that frustration out without actually having to fully feel the grief.

这也是我想象中那一刻会想做的事，因为我会想，这么多悲伤我该怎么处理？

And that's what imagine I would wanna do in that moment too because I'd be like, what do I do with all this sadness?

是啊。

Yeah.

我该如何处理所有这些愤怒？

What do I do with all this anger?

我不知道该怎么处理它。

I don't know what to do with it.

你是第一个惹恼我的人，你竟敢这样背叛我，还想抹去我父亲的存在。

This is the first person who's bothering me and how dare you betray me in this way and, like, try to erase my dad.

而且，很明显，你并不想那样做。

And, obviously, you don't wanna do that.

我很好奇想知道，这是教练哈特的看法。

And I'd be curious to know, this is coach Hat.

你知道，你是否有一部分害怕他的记忆会被抹去？

You know, is there a part of you that's fearful that the memory of him will be erased?

因为你用到的措辞是‘她试图抹去他’，就像她之前与他共度的生活一样。

Because the language that you said in that was like she's trying to erase him, like, the life before that she had with him.

是啊。

Yeah.

而现在你父亲已经去世了，天啊。

And now your dad's passed away, and it's like, oh my gosh.

我在想是否内心深处确实存在这种恐惧，但其实不必如此。

I wonder if there's a deep rooted fear of that being true, but it's like it doesn't have to be.

是的。

Yeah.

爸爸会永远陪伴着你，我知道说起来容易做起来难，这可能会让你完全无法理解，取决于你现在的状态。

Dad's always gonna be with you and I know it's easier said than done and this may go totally over your head depending on where you're at.

这也没关系。

And that's okay also.

这没关系。

And that's okay.

但只要你提醒自己他在精神上、能量上、你对他的记忆中、在你选择纪念他和他的生活的方式中与你同在，他就会一直陪伴着你。

But it's like he gets to stay with you so long as you remind yourself that he is with you in spirit, in energy, in your memories of him, in the way that you choose to honor him and the life that he lived.

我们最近有位来自新西兰文化的嘉宾，哦对。

We had a guest on recently who in, like, the culture in New Zealand Oh, yes.

他们有一种文化，真的会庆祝死亡。

They have, like, the culture where, like, they really celebrate death.

是啊。

Yeah.

没错。

Yeah.

那不像葬礼。

It's not like a funeral.

海洋文化。

Mariculture.

是的。

Yeah.

那不是葬礼。

It's not a funeral.

这是一场生命的庆典。

It's a celebration of life.

我真的很喜欢他们谈论死亡的方式，因为它非常美好，真正展现了他们如何庆祝那个人的存在——他们是谁，为世界带来了怎样的光芒，以及他们如何影响了每一个接触过的人，包括你。

And I think I really liked the way that they kinda spoke about death because it was really beautiful and really showcased how much they celebrated that person, who they were, what light they brought to the world, how much they impacted every single person that they touched including you.

是啊。

Yeah.

当我想到悲伤和死亡时，我觉得这就是我想要记住我所爱之人的方式。

And I just think when I think about grief and death, I think that's the way that I would want to remember the people that I love.

就像试着去思考庆祝，而不是沉浸在悲伤中，你懂吗？

It's like try to think of the celebration as opposed to drowning in the grief, you know?

嗯。

Mhmm.

两者都存在。

And both exist.

我知道你无法绕过悲伤。

Like, I know you can't bypass grief.

事情不是这样运作的。

It doesn't work like that.

你仍然需要去感受它。

You still have to feel it.

但我觉得，在不把所有注意力都放在她身上的情况下，你想如何记住你的父亲？

But I think without putting all the focus on her, how do you wanna remember your dad?

是的。

Yeah.

比如，你想如何在你的思想、身体和心灵中滋养你与他之间的关系，并专注于向其中倾注爱，而不是助长愤怒。

Like, how do you wanna nurture the relationship that you had with him in your mind, in your body, and in your heart and focus on pouring love into that as opposed to fueling the anger.

因为我们有阿兹拉娜，杰西，是的。

Because we had Azlana, Jess Yeah.

然后我的女朋友失去了她的孩子。

And then my girlfriend has lost her baby.

一个共同点是，他们三个人至今仍在每天哀悼。

A common thing, the three of them, they're all still grieving every single day.

每天都在哭泣。

Cry every single day.

这很艰难，我甚至无法想象他们都经历了什么。

It's hard, and I can't even begin to imagine what they've all gone through.

他们都失去了孩子。

They've all lost a child.

但他们三人都自觉地选择纪念逝去的生命。

But all three of them consciously make a choice to celebrate the life they've lost.

他们自觉地选择心怀感恩。

They consciously choose to be so grateful.

他们自觉地选择感受并寻找孩子仍在身边的迹象，同时也不回避悲伤。

They consciously choose to feel and look for signs that their baby is still with them as well as the grief.

所以两种情绪可以共存，我认为关键在于你自觉选择将精力和注意力投向何处——因为你的关注点在哪里，哪里就会成长。

So both things can coexist, and I think it's this conscious choice of where you're putting your energy and where you're putting your focus because wherever your focus is, it will grow.

是啊。

Yeah.

所以如果你专注于愤怒，专注于她的所作所为，专注于她如何亏待了你，专注于你因为她而无法正常达成一致，这些想法在你脑海中只会不断膨胀。

So if you focus on the anger and focus on what she's done and focus on how she's done the wrong by you and focus on how you can't agree properly because of her, that in your head is just gonna get bigger and bigger and bigger.

或者你仍然可以感受到那些情绪，这完全合理。

Or you can still feel that, and that's totally valid.

我并不是要剥夺你这种感受。

I'm not trying to take that away from you.

这确实非常真实。

That is very true.

这就是你现在的经历。

That's your experience right now.

但你也可以选择专注于你美好的父亲，去他的墓前坐坐，和他说话，回忆你们共度的美好时光，以及他希望你现在如何生活。

But you can also choose to focus on your beautiful dad and going to sit with him at the grave and talk to him and all the beautiful times you had and what he would want you to be living your life like.

他不会希望你一直愤怒。

He wouldn't want you being angry.

是啊。

Yeah.

他不会希望你纠结于这些细节。

He wouldn't want you focusing on some of these details.

他只希望你记住那些美好时光，记住他，记住他是如何为你付出的，并希望你最大限度地活出自己的人生，因为明天并不确定。

He just want you to remember the good times and remember him and how he showed up for you and for you to live your life to the max because tomorrow isn't promised.

是的。

Yeah.

你问我们会怎么做，我认为这就是我尝试转移注意力的地方，而我们对这方面的掌控力比想象中要大得多。

You asked what we would do, think that's where I try and shift my focus, which we are in control of a lot more than what we think.

是啊。

Yeah.

但很容易就会把注意力放在她身上，责怪她以及发生的事情，但这只会让问题变得更严重，给你带来更多痛苦。

But it is very easy to focus on her and blame her and what's happened and but it's just gonna get bigger and cause you more pain.

嗯。

Mhmm.

是的。

Yeah.

是的。

Yeah.

因为我觉得你刚才说的某句话很有道理。

Because I think there is something you said in there.

我感到受伤和愤怒，甚至无法去纪念场所哀悼他而不因看到她修改的文字而愤怒。

I feel hurt and angry and, like, I can't go to memorial space to grieve him without feeling angry seeing the words she has changed.

所以你觉得自己无法在不感到愤怒的情况下去哀悼他。

So you feel like you can't go and grieve him without feeling angry.

这些情绪都是合理的，但我要告诉你，你仍然可以去他的墓地，仍然可以怀念他，仍然可以与他建立联系。

And those feelings are valid, but I'm telling you, you can still go to his grave, and you can still remember him, and you can still connect with him.

也许你觉得做不到，但你可以的。

It might feel like you can't, but you can.

你完全有权利这样做，是的，这需要有意识地转移你的关注点。

You have full permission to do that, yeah, it's consciously, like, changing where you're putting your focus.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

是的。

Yeah.

悲伤很可怕。

Grief is scary.

悲伤让人不适。

Like, grief is uncomfortable.

没人愿意沉浸其中。

No one wants to sit in it.

这确实是个极具挑战性的事情，它真的会改变一个人的本质。

It's a really challenging thing, and it really does it does change you as a person.

是的。

Yeah.

无论表面看起来如何。

No matter what it looks like.

你的经历可能与下一个人、与阿什的、与我的都不同，但我们感受到的痛苦程度是相同的，这有时真的很可怕。

Yours might look different to the next person, to Ashi's, to mine, but we still feel it to the same degree and that can be really scary sometimes.

但我觉得在我自己的旅程中，真正有帮助的是：越是抗拒感受的情绪，越去直面它，就越能治愈它。

But I think something that's been really helpful for me in my own journey of, you know anything that I haven't wanted to feel is the more that I feel it, the more that I heal it.

我无法想象失去父母的痛苦，这种伤痛可能永远不会消失。

And I can't imagine like the loss of a parent, don't think that'll ever go away.

你只是会逐渐学会更好地应对它。

You just get better at dealing with it.

但我确实认为，越是允许自己去感受正在经历的丧失，时间久了反而会感觉轻松些。

But I do think that the more that you give yourself permission to feel the loss that you're actually experiencing, the lighter it may feel over time.

是啊。

Yeah.

你明白吗？

You know?

因为你不再压抑所有这些情绪、愤怒、挫败感，那些触发点和种种反应都抑制在里面的内容。

Because you're not harboring all this emotion and anger and frustration, all these things and triggers and all the things as opposed to just letting yourself sit down and break down and cry.

去墓地坐在他的墓碑前吧。

Go sit at the graveyard where his headstone is.

坐在那里。

Sit there.

哭吧。

Cry.

和他一起哭吧。

Cry with him.

就像是的。

Like Yeah.

允许自己彻底感受它，你就不会困在那里。

Allow yourself to feel it to the depths and you won't get stuck there.

我知道这很可怕。

And I know that's the fear.

是的。

Yeah.

你可能每天都要带着它生活。

You may carry it with you every single day.

但我真的非常相信，当你彻底感受情绪时，你就能治愈它。

But I really, really believe that, like, when you feel through things, you heal it.

我在想

I wonder if

你是否做了些小事。

you did something little.

我不确定这是否有帮助，但也许你没能把想刻的碑文刻在墓碑上，为何不把它刻在钥匙扣上呢？

I don't I don't know if this would help, but you might have not got what you wanted on the gravestone, but why don't you get that engraved on a keyring?

一张你和他的合照，把字刻在相框顶部，放在你每天都能看到的地方，用这种方式与他保持联系。或者纹在身上，任何方式都可以。

A photo of you and him and get it engraved on top of the photo frame, just somewhere where you get to see it each day and you get to connect with him in that way, get it tattooed on you, whatever.

你看，有太多方法依然能实现你所谓的'愿望'。

Like, there's so many ways that you can still get what you quote, unquote wanted.

只是没能刻在那块特定的墓碑上罢了。

It's just not on that particular headstone.

但还有其他方式可以把你原本想刻的内容呈现出来。

But there's other ways that you could still put exactly what you wanted to be on there.

我喜欢这个主意。

I love that.

我觉得这很美。

I think that's beautiful.

是啊。

Yeah.

就在你自己家里。

Something in your own home.

对。

Yeah.

那是你的空间。

It's your space.

由你选择。

Your choice.

完全按照你觉得合适的方式，因为即便和你兄弟姐妹相比，你想要的可能也略有不同。

Exactly what feels exactly right for you because even what you wanted compared to your siblings might be a bit different.

是啊。

Yeah.

你可以选择对你来说最合适的感受。

You get to choose what that feels for you.

完全正确。

Absolutely.

但真的很抱歉你正在经历这些。

But I'm so sorry you're going through this.

说实话，悲痛真的太他妈难受了。

Griefs it's it's honestly so fucked.

太他妈难受了。

So fucked.

是啊。

Yeah.

你知道吗？

And you you know what?

比如，你有权利感到失望。

Like, you're allowed to be disappointed.

是啊。

Yeah.

直截了当地说，你有权利感到失望。

Just straight up, you're allowed to be disappointed.

没错。

Yep.

让自己去感受它。

Let yourself feel it.

完完全全地感受。

All of it.

是的。

Yeah.

确保你身边有合适的支持系统。

Make sure you've got the right support around you.

是啊。

Yeah.

说真的，如果没有足够的支持，我觉得我什么都挺不过去。

Like, I don't think I could've got through anything without having enough support around me.

没错。

Yeah.

给你送上满满的爱，一个大大的虚拟拥抱。

Sending you so much love, a big virtual hug.

对。

Yeah.

你需要这个。

You need it.

嗯。

Yeah.

这确实很难。

It's tough.

你能行的。

You got this.

再见。

Bye.

再见。

Bye.