为何高价值人士不回避冲突 | 社交智慧简报

你知道吗，有些人认为强迫症只是关于保持家里超级整洁。

You know, some people think OCD is just about keeping your house super clean.

这种刻板印象让我抓狂。真正的强迫症会产生关于你真正在意的事情的侵入性想法，比如你的社交生活。

That stereotype drives me crazy. Real OCD creates these unwanted intrusive thoughts about stuff you actually care about, like your social life.

没错。它会让你怀疑别人是否真的喜欢你，或者害怕自己无意中冒犯了别人。你会花几个小时反复回想对话，寻找证明自己不是个糟糕的人的证据。

Exactly. It makes you doubt whether people actually like you, or you're terrified you accidentally offended someone. You spend hours replaying conversations looking for proof you're not a terrible person.

这些想法会变得非常强烈。你开始做各种行为来阻止它们，比如在脑海中回顾每一次互动，或者在见朋友前试图用积极的想法抵消消极的想法。

And those thoughts get so overwhelming. You start doing all these behaviors to make them stop, like mentally reviewing every interaction or trying to cancel negative thoughts with positive ones before you see friends.

但问题是，怀疑和恐惧会以更强烈的形式卷土重来。它让你与那些让生活有价值的人际关系隔绝。

But here's the thing. The doubts and fears just come back even stronger. It isolates you from the connections that make life worth living.

这就是NOCD的用武之地。他们是世界上领先的强迫症治疗提供商，所有的治疗师都专门从事ERP疗法，即暴露与反应预防疗法。

That's where NOCD comes in. They're the world's leading provider of OCD treatment, and all of their therapists specialize in ERP therapy. That's exposure and response prevention.

不是普通的谈话治疗，那实际上会让强迫症恶化。NOCD提供实时的面对面虚拟治疗，教你管理侵入性想法和重拾自信的有效技巧。

Not regular talk therapy, which actually makes OCD worse. NOCD does live, face to face virtual sessions, where they teach you proven techniques to manage intrusive thoughts and reclaim your confidence.

这是100%线上服务，覆盖超过1.55亿美国人的保险范围，且在疗程间隔期间提供支持，因此您无需独自面对。

It's 100% virtual, covered by insurance for over 155,000,000 Americans, and you get support between sessions, so you're not facing this alone.

如果您认为强迫症可能阻碍了您的发展，请访问n0cd.com预约一次免费的15分钟咨询。

If you think OCD might be holding you back, go to n0cd.com and book a free fifteen minute call.

网址是n0cd.com。

That's n0cd.com.

大多数人视冲突为避之不及的事物，但事实上，在商业和生活中晋升最快的人并非逃避冲突者，而是那些懂得如何在不伤和气的情况下化解冲突的人。

Most people see conflict as something to avoid, but the truth is the people who rise fastest in business and in life aren't the ones who dodge conflict. They're the ones who know how to resolve it without burning bridges.

让我们直面现实吧。人际关系错综复杂，每个人都是独一无二的，因此冲突在所难免，尤其是在团队协作、人际关系和领导力等高压环境中。你处理冲突的能力越强，职业发展就越顺畅。许多人没有意识到，越是回避冲突，他们在职业棋局中的行动空间就越小。

Well, let's face it. Relationships are messy, and people, no two people are the same. So conflict is inevitable, especially in high performance environments with teams, relationships, and leadership. So the better you are at navigating conflict, the better your career is going to go. A lot of people don't realize that the more conflict adverse they are, the less moves they have to make on the career chessboard.

你不想被逼入死角。否则，你将不得不做出令自己极度不适甚至可能伤害他人的举动。这就是为何及早、快速且有效地处理冲突如此重要，并将决定你的成败。

You don't wanna be pinned in. Otherwise, you're gonna have to make moves that you will be very uncomfortable making and that may hurt other people. That's why handling conflicts early, handling quickly and effectively is so important and will determine your success.

这曾是我成长过程中最难领悟的一课——我从小极度回避冲突。但低价值与高价值沟通者的区别，就在于他们如何应对这些紧张时刻。今天我们将剖析冲突的科学原理，教你如何快速化解冲突，以高价值的方式处理问题。冲突不仅是事务分歧，更是情感碰撞。约翰·戈特曼的研究表明，69%的人际关系冲突是永久性的，意味着它们永远无法彻底解决。

And that was such a tough lesson for me to learn as I grew up very conflict diverse, But the difference between low value and high value communicators is what they do in these tense moments. So today, we're gonna break down the science of conflict and how to allow you to resolve it quickly so that you could do it in a high value way. Conflict isn't just about issues. It's about emotions. In fact, John Gottman's research shows that 69% of conflicts in relationships are perpetual, meaning they never get solved.

但解决之道在于人们如何处理冲突，而非是否消除它们。正因如此，从'我对抗你'的思维模式转向高价值框架——即'我们共同解决问题'至关重要。谷歌亚里士多德项目研究表明，高绩效团队通过建立信任与安全感来解决冲突，而非回避分歧。

But resolution depends on how people handle them, not whether or not they eliminate them. And that's why it's so important to shift from a me versus you mindset to the high value frame, which is us versus the problem. Studies from Google's Project Aristotle show that high performing teams resolve conflict by fostering trust and safety, not by avoiding disagreements.

那么让我们采用高价值冲突框架。首先需要说明，这套方法适用于工作环境中日常发生的冲突。这些冲突必须在恶化前及早处理，避免陷入僵局无路可退。虽然该框架同样适用于那些需要数日甚至数周才能解决的复杂冲突，但后者涉及更多复杂因素。

So let's go ahead with the high value conflict framework. I'd wanna to set this up by stating that these are for the everyday conflicts that happen in a work environment. These conflicts need to be dealt with early before they get difficult and box you in and you have no more chest moves to make. These are not for conflicts that are going to need days, hours, weeks, and a lot of work to get through. I will say that this framework works just fine for those as well.

不过由于那些冲突极其复杂，牵涉更多可变因素。第一要务是传递价值导向。我们始终寻求双方共赢的方案。为了让对方理解这点，你必须通过肢体语言、语气和措辞来展现这种意图。甚至可以直接表明：'很高兴你能参加这次会议'。

However, because those are incredibly complex, there's a lot more working parts. So, one is to lead with value. We're looking for a win win scenario for both parties all the time. And in order for the other person to understand that, you have to show them that through your body language, through your tonality and your words, that is what you are looking for. In fact, you might even say, hey, I'm glad you were able to make this meeting.

我知道我们有些问题需要解决，但归根结底，我只希望我们都能带着对后续进展的满意离开办公室。

I know that we have a few things going on, but at the end of the day, I just wanna make sure that both of us leave this office feeling good about moving forward.

这样能消除对方的防御心理。若你表现出敌意，冲突会加倍激化；若以高价值姿态出现，甚至在开口前就能缓和冲突态势。

This disarms defensiveness. If you show up hostile, the conflict doubles. If you show up as high value, the conflict calms before words are even spoken.

框架的第二要点是：高价值者或主导方需承担情境责任。但有个精妙之处——你不是为任何爆发、失败或错误担责，而是为那些本可促成更好结果的因素负责。比如提前与队友沟通使其为会议做更好准备，这类责任完全可承担。

So number two of the framework is the high value person, or whoever's taking lead, they're going to accept responsibility for the situation. But here's what's interesting and the unique piece of this, the nuance. You're not taking responsibility for anything blowing up, dying, failing, but what you are taking responsibility for is that anything that could have helped make a better outcome. So perhaps it was talking to a teammate earlier and going over things so they would be better prepared for a meeting. You can easily do that.

因此，为促成问题的其他因素担责有助于掌握主动权。高价值者追求掌控局面，故总是寻找担责途径；低价值者则竭力推卸责任以便指责他人。承担责任既赋予你主导权，也掌控冲突解决的走向。另一个有趣现象是观察当你承担责任时对方的反应。

So taking responsibility for something else that is contributing to the problem helps you gain control. High value people want to control their situations, so they will always look for ways to accept responsibility. Low value people will go out of their way to give up responsibility so that they can always point the finger. So taking the responsibility gives you ownership, but also control over how the conflict resolution will play out. The other thing that is interesting about this is watching what the other person does when you accept responsibility.

他们是主动承担自己领域的责任，还是把矛头指向你，说‘哦，很高兴你决定这么做’？这更能揭示他们的态度以及他们如何看待问题，这些信息对你未来应对问题很有帮助。

Do they look to take responsibility for something in their own area, or do they point the finger at you and say, Oh, I'm glad that you decided to do that? This tells you more about them and how they're seeing the the issues and the problems that you can use moving forward.

以为只有你在卧室表现上遇到困扰吗？其实不然，现在有一种更简便的居家解决方法。

Think you're the only one struggling with performance issues in the bedroom? You're not, and now there's an easier way to fix it from home.

这就是Rex MD的用武之地。作为在线远程医疗服务，它帮助男性获得经FDA批准的正规药物，直接配送到家。

That's where Rex MD comes in. It's an online telehealth service that helps men get real FDA approved medications straight to your door.

全程在线完成，无需前往诊所、不用候诊室等待，也避免了尴尬的面谈。

Everything's done online. No doctor's office, no waiting rooms, no awkward conversations.

流程如下：首先通过简短问卷提交症状、健康史及目标。

Here's how it works. First, share your symptoms, health history, and goals through a short quiz.

随后由美国持证医师审核信息，若符合条件即开具处方。

Then a US licensed provider reviews your information and prescribes medication if appropriate.

治疗方案将通过免费两日达快递寄送。操作如此简单，且Rec's MD团队持续提供护理支持，只需发送消息即可。

Your treatment gets sent to you with free two day delivery. It's that easy, and Rec's MD team is there for ongoing care. Just send a message.

我钟爱Rex MD之处在于其完全的隐私性、私人咨询以及直接送货上门且包装低调的服务。无需前往药房。

What I love about Rex MD, total discretion, private consultations, and direct to door delivery in discreet packaging. No pharmacy trips needed.

此外，这是您可以信赖的医疗服务。

Plus, it's care that you could trust.

FDA批准的药物根据个人需求量身定制。已有超过475,000名男性选择RexMD，开出并配送的药品超过50,000,000片。

FDA approved medications tailored to individual needs. Over 475,000 men have chosen RexMD with over 50,000,000 tablets prescribed and delivered.

这不仅关乎表现，更是关于重获对自身及人际关系的安全感。

This isn't just about performance. It's about feeling secure in yourself and your relationships again.

别让您的感情生活停滞不前。重拾自信与亲密关系的掌控权。

Don't put your love life on hold. Take back control of your confidence and intimacy.

通过Rex MD治疗可享受高达95%的折扣。访问rexmd.com/charm。

Get up to ninety five percent off treatment with Rex MD. Visit rexmd.com/charm.

网址是rexmd.com/charm。

That's rexmd.com/charm.

详情及使用说明请访问rexmd.com。需处方。效果因人而异。我们不对任何可能导致我们失业、陷入更大麻烦、为我们未做之事或超出我们控制范围的事情承担责任。例如，或许我本应更早明确期望。

See full details and usage at rexmd.com. Prescription required. Results may vary. And we are not taking responsibility for anything that's gonna cost us our job, get us in bigger trouble, responsibility for things we didn't do, responsibility for things outside of what we had under our control. So example could be, oh, I should have clarified expectations sooner.

通过在冲突初期主动承担少量责任，你就在定调：我们双方都可以承担责任并共同推进解决这个冲突。

By taking that small amount of responsibility to start early in the conflict, you're setting the tone that it's okay for both of us to take responsibility and move forward from this conflict.

所以在第二步结束时，要明白承担责任既彰显力量也赋予你力量而非软弱。第三步是共情，向对方表明你理解他们的处境或看法，设身处地，复述他们的处境。这让他们感到被看见和倾听，再次帮助他们放下戒备。同时用'我们'替代'你'和'我'的团队语言有助于缓和局面，并营造你们正在共同寻找解决方案的假象。比如可以说：'我理解我们陷入了这种困境，但我相信今天会议结束后，我们一定能找到让双方都无比满意的方案。'

So in the end of step two, understand that owning responsibility signals strength but also gives you strength and not weakness. Step three is empathy, showing the other person that you you feel the situation or see the situation as they do, putting yourself in their shoes, repeating back to them their situation. This allows them to feel seen and heard, and again, helps them drop their guard. And with a combination of team language replacing you and me to we helps smooth things along and also creates the illusion that you are working together on the options that will remedy the whole thing. So using phrases like, I understand that we've ended up in this mess, but I know together we will figure something out that both of us will be incredibly happy with when we finish this meeting today.

研究表明，将冲突框架为协作不仅能提高解决方案质量，还能增强长期信任。因此，在你想维持的工作关系或个人关系中，以协作为框架是保持长期信任最有效的方式。

And research shows that framing conflict as collaboration increases not only the quality of the solutions, but long term trust. So in these work relationships, in these personal relationships where you want to maintain them well after this conflict, using collaboration as the frame is the most powerful way to keep that long term trust.

第四步是提供选项而非最后通牒。如果你已承担责任并引导完成前几步，就该由你来列出选项供对方选择。我见过无数种做法，非常有趣。典型的分析型人士、老好人或团队合作者——那些试图做正确事的人——好不容易走到这一步，却反而询问对方要什么选项。而这个框架最妙之处在于，每一步都能获得对方认同。

And step four is to present options and not ultimatums. If you've accepted responsibility and you've led through these steps, it's up to you then to lay out the options for the other person to present. I've seen this done a million ways, and it's so funny. Typical analytical folks, nice guys, or team players, right, people who are trying to do the right thing, they get all the way to this point, and then they ask the other person for options. That other person, you've just the best part of this framework is that you are getting agreement with every step.

当你以价值导向开场，表明希望所有相关方共赢时，他们会认同你。当你为可能导致问题的任何因素承担责任时，他们看到后会再次认同并对此感到满意。当你对他们的立场、感受和看法展现共情时，他们会非常乐意认同你和你的假设。他们会认同使用团队语言的共赢理念。现在该由你来提出选项了。

So when you show up and lead with value, letting them know that you want a win win for all parties involved, they're going to agree with you. When you take responsibility for anything that was possibly led up to the problem, again, they're going to see you take that responsibility and agree with you, feel good about that. When you show empathy for their position, how they feel and see the situation, they're going to feel very good agreeing with you and your assumptions. They're going to agree with the win win using the team language. Now it is up to you to present the options.

这是我最喜欢的部分，因为在开会前，你需要思考哪些结论能让你和对方都满意。准备两三个方案并提出。最妙的是他们会为做出选择承担责任，并因掌控结局而满意——但归根结底，这一切都是你设计的，他们选哪个其实不重要。

And this is my favorite part, because before having a meeting, you want to think about what conclusions would you be happy with and the other person be happy with. Put two or three together and present them. The best part is they will take responsibility for choosing and feel good that they chose how this ended, but ultimately, you put it all together. It doesn't matter what they chose.

当冲突得到妥善解决时，它反而会加深信任，因为这实际上展示了这段关系的韧性。从未经历过冲突的关系并不牢固，反而是相当肤浅的。

And when resolved well, conflict deepens trust because it actually shows resilience in that relationship. A relationship that never faces conflict isn't strong, it's actually quite shallow.

第五步是列出选项，而非最后通牒。既然你已通过前几步获得了对方的配合，现在就该由你提出解决问题的方案。提醒一句，我见过有人费尽周折完成所有艰难步骤——让对方承担责任、展现同理心，对方全程点头附和——却在最后关头放弃主动权。千万别这样做。这会拖累你已建立的积极势头，并将主动权拱手让人。

And step five is to lay out the options, not ultimatums. Now that you've gained compliance through all the other steps, it's up to you to lay out the options towards a resolution. And a word of advice, I've seen people go through all of the hard parts, gaining compliance on responsibility and showing empathy, with the other person nodding along only to give up their power on the closing part of this. Don't do this. It slows down any positive momentum that you've created, and you give up your power to the other person.

询问对方认为该如何处理，结果往往是你吃亏。所以在提供选项时，你要准备两三个自己认可的方案，然后让对方选择他们最满意的。这样做有两个好处：既赋予他们自主权（毕竟是他们在选择解决方案），又能获得认同（因为最终是他们做的选择），同时还能达成你的目标——毕竟所有可选方案都是你制定的。

Asking the other person how they think this should be handled always ends up with you getting shafted. So when it comes to the options, you think of two or three that you feel good about and then let them pick the one they feel best about. This does two things, it creates ownership for them, right, they're choosing the resolution, and buy in, right, because ultimately they've picked it, while ultimately giving you what you want because you've created the options to choose from.

这是我们所有培训课程中最受欢迎的实践环节之一，因为我们的培训不仅关乎建立良好关系，更强调维护关系必须掌握冲突管理技巧。我永远记得培训后的马库斯，当时他是波士顿咨询集团的顾问。他说参加过无数企业冲突管理培训，学过类似概念，但从未见过如此系统的整合框架，以至于面对冲突时仍手足无措。结训两周后，他运用这个框架成功解决冲突，还反馈说不仅效果显著，现在团队都找他调解矛盾了。当你展现出在高压环境下（比如管理咨询行业）妥善处理冲突的能力时，自然就成为众人信赖的意见领袖，影响力也随之提升。

And this is one of our favorite implementation sessions in all of our training because not only is our training about building great relationships, but in order to maintain relationships, you have to be able to manage conflict. And I'll never forget Marcus after this session. He's a consultant at BCG at the time, and he said he had done countless trainings, corporate trainings on how to manage conflict and learned some of these concepts, but never in this framework to put them all together and still found himself in conflicts flat footed. He used this exact framework a couple weeks after the training and wrote back to us that not only did it go well, but the team now is turning to him to solve more conflicts. So once you showcase that you can actually manage conflicts and certainly under intense amounts of pressure like a management consultant, well, you become that go to person and you grow your influence.

这就是为什么妥善处理冲突能成为你扩大影响力的通行证。

That's why conflict handled right is your ticket to influence.

遗憾的是，逃避冲突会让你丧失影响力。

Unfortunately, avoiding conflict costs you influence.

但掌握冲突处理技巧，能让你成为危难时刻众人信赖的支柱。

But mastering it turns you into a person that people trust when things get tough.

如果你想实时练习这些技巧并获得即时反馈，欢迎加入我们的X因子加速器。在这里，我们会举办说服力触发器实践课程，教你如何化解紧张局势、将争论转化为机遇，并在冲突中有效引导。今天即可申请，请访问unlockyourxfactor.com。

Now if you wanna practice these skills in real time with live feedback, join us inside the x factor accelerator. That's where we run persuasion triggers implementation sessions where you'll learn to diffuse tension, turn arguments into opportunities, and lead through conflict. You can apply today at unlockyourxfactor.com.