最重播时刻：女人真正想要的男人特质！初次约会千万别这样做！

在诱惑方面，你应该考虑哪些事情？

What are the things you should be thinking about in terms of seduction?

如果我想成为，因为我需要理解的核心之一是，你说过搭讪艺术家群体所学到的，实际上是什么导致了结果？

If I wanna be because one of the central things I need to understand is you said that the pickup artist community learnt is is what actually leads to the outcome?

如果我问一个女人，嘿，我怎样才能对女人更有吸引力？

If I was to ask a woman, hey, how can I become more attractive to a woman?

我猜她可能会对我说，要友善，要，你知道的，我也不清楚。

I guess what she might say to me is be nice, be, you know, what I don't know.

我一生中问过很多女性这个问题，但从未得到过好答案，因为几乎总是这样的回答：我想要一个善良的男人。

I've asked that question to so many women in my life, and I've never gotten a good answer because that's almost always the response is I want a kind man.

我想要一个让我感到安全的男人。

I want a man who is I feel safe with.

我想要一个充满爱心的男人。

I want a man who is loving.

通常被问到的那个男人听到这些会想：这他妈有什么问题？

And usually the guy in question is listening to that and be like, what the fuck's the problem?

就像，我有点差劲。

It's like, I'm kind of shit.

比如，我不明白。

Like, I don't get it.

比如，我需要更友善，然后她们反而更加坚持这一点。

Like, I need to be kinder, and they start to lean into that even more.

我并不认为这些女性在故意欺骗这些男性，但她们确实遗漏了最关键的部分。

And I don't think that these women are necessarily lying to these men, but they're leaving out the most important part.

我最受欢迎的YouTube视频之一就揭示了女性总是忽略的部分，正好说明了这个问题——女性确实想要她们在回答男性提问时列举的那些品质。

One of my most popular YouTube videos is the part that women always leave out that speaks exactly to this problem, which is that women do want those things that they list off when men ask them that question.

她们只是希望这些品质来自她们所吸引的男性。

They just want them from the men that they're attracted to.

她们希望自己心仪的男性既善良又充满爱意，既慷慨又能让她们感到安全。

They want the men they're attracted to to be kind and to be loving and to be generous and to make them feel safe.

但友善、慷慨和让女性感到安全并不会直接让她们对你产生吸引力。

But it's not like being kind and generous and making women feel safe is going to lead them to feeling attracted to you.

而这正是女性所省略的部分，而男性出于他们可以说是天真但善意的意图，想要给予女性她们想要的，成为更好的伴侣，却完全错失了这一点。

And that's the part that women leave out and men in their, let's say naive, but good hearted intention to give women what they want and to be a better mate for them, they just totally lose out on.

所以，变得有吸引力更好。

So it's better to be attractive.

比如，如果你想在求偶和约会游戏中表现出色，你展现得越有吸引力，事情就会越顺利。

Like, if you want to be good at the game of mating and dating, you have an easier time the more attractive that you present yourself.

你会获得更多被选择的机会。

You have an you get more opportunities for selection.

在协商过程中能获得更有利的安排，长期来看也更容易在与多方竞争中维持你们的关系。

You get more beneficial arrangements in the negotiation process, and it's easier to maintain your relationship in the long run against your intersectional competition as well.

因此，有吸引力会带来各种特权和好处，而且每个人都可以比现在更有吸引力。

So there's all kinds of privileges and benefits to being attractive, and everyone can be more attractive than they currently are.

男性需要做些什么才能更有吸引力？

What do men need to do to be more attractive?

我认为他们可以学习如何更好地着装。

I think they can learn to dress better.

是的。

Yeah.

我认为他们可以注重保持身材。

I think that they can take care of their physical fitness.

没错。

Yeah.

对某些男性来说，最基本的可能是个人卫生问题。

For some men, it's as basic as hygiene.

你懂我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

我认为学会如何说话也非常重要。

I think it's also really important to learn how to talk.

女性最容易被诱惑的器官是她的思想，是她的头脑。

The most the most vulnerable organ in a woman to seduction is her mind, is her brain.

那才是她最大的性感带。

Like you that is her biggest erogenous zone.

如果你学会用女性愿意倾听和回应的方式与她们交谈，你就能实现各种可能，建立各种关系。

And if you can learn to talk to a woman in a way that women will listen and respond to, you'll be able to do all kinds of things and have all kinds of relationships.

我需要说些什么？

What do I need to say?

嗯，这不是一个固定的剧本。

Well, it's not a script.

对吧？

Right?

所以这很大程度上是关于感觉的契合。

So one of the it's a it's a lot about vibing.

就像女性化的交流方式，可以这么说。

Like female feminine communications, put that way.

女性化的交流方式与男性化的截然不同。

Feminine communication is very different from masculine communication.

我并不是说我要远离男性和女性，因为显然，两者都可以做到这两种交流方式。

I'm not saying I'm I'm staying away from men and women because, obviously, men and women can do both.

但男性化的沟通方式侧重于通过语义词汇传递信息和内容。

But masculine communication is about the conveyance and information using semantic words.

如果你能大致复述出我传达的信息，我就知道信息已被接收。

I know that the message has been received if you can more or less summarize that message back to me.

就像是，理解了你所说的内容。

It's like, understood the content of what you said.

传输完成。

Transmission complete.

对吧？

Right?

嗯。

Mhmm.

女性化的沟通则截然不同。

Feminine communication is very different.

它更像是一种情感共鸣。

It's more like emotional resonance.

当我能够成功引发你产生与我相似或类同的情感体验时，即我经历过的或当前所处的情绪状态，沟通才算被接收。

And communication has been received when I can succeed in provoking in you a comparable or analogous emotional experience, the one that I went through or I'm currently in.

你可以把它想象成音叉。

You can think of it like tuning forks.

其中一个正在振动。

One of them is vibrating.

如果你把另一个靠近它，它也会开始以相同频率振动。

If you bring another one up to it, it will start vibrating at the same frequency as well.

这时你便知道信息已被接收。

And that's when you know that the communication has been received.

这对男性理解至关重要，因为正是这种差异导致了许多男女长期关系中的分歧与争执——女性有时试图让男性体会她们当下的感受。

And that's really important for men to understand because that leads to a lot of disagreements and arguments between men and women in their long term relationships where sometimes women are attempting to get men to feel the way that they currently feel.

但男性却专注于她们实际说的话，他们会问：你为什么现在提这个？

But men are paying attention to what they're actually saying, and they're saying, why are you bringing this up now?

或者说：这不符合事实。

Or that's not factually accurate.

我不明白。

I don't understand.

这正是由于两性间理解的缺失。

And it's because of this failure of intersexual understanding.

女性试图唤起男性相同的情绪状态，让他能切身体会她那一刻的感受。

The woman is trying to provoke in the man the emotional state so that he can understand, like, in his bones what it feels like to have been her in that moment.

但有些男性实在太拘泥于字面意思了。

But the men are just paying some men are just so literal.

他们过分执着于语言的字面含义。

They're so functionally fixed on the semantic content of language.

而事实是语言具有双重性。

And the truth is that words are both.

词语既有明确的语义内涵，又承载着不同的情感容器。

Words always have this defined semantic meaning, but they also are in different containers of emotion.

同一个词可以用任何可能的情感色彩来表达。

Like, word can be said with any different emotional content possible.

你可以用诱惑的语气说‘请’这个词。

You can say the word please seductively.

你可以用威胁的语气说‘请’这个词。

You can say the word please threateningly.

你可以用可怜巴巴的语气说‘请’这个词。

You can say the word please pathetically.

我的意思是，这就是演员的工作。

I mean, that's what actors do.

对吧？

Right?

他们为剧本注入情感——那些原本只是纸面上的文字——正是这种情感让他们的表演充满魅力。

They invest this script, which are just words on a page with emotional content, and that's what makes their performance enchanting.

如果你能兼顾两者——既能精准措辞又能赋予情感——你就能成为极具魅力的沟通者。

If you can do both, if you can be very particular with your words and you can invest it with some degree of emotional content, you can be a very charismatic communicator.

我猜你的意思是，有些男性可能更偏向其中一种方式？

And I guess some you're saying that some men maybe lean one way more than the other?

确实如此。

Absolutely.

他们更倾向于语义信息。

They lean more towards the semantic information.

就像逻辑一样。

Just like logic.

完全正确。

Just Absolutely.

像个机器人。

A robot.

是的。

Yeah.

嗯，有时候是。

Well, sometimes.

确实有些男人像机器人一样。

There's definitely some robotic men out there.

而女性更渴望的是情感上的共鸣

And what women want is more of the emotional resonance

在

in

你的言谈方式中。

how you're talking.

是的。

Yeah.

她们想要的是那种感觉。

They wanna vibe.

你懂吗？

You know?

就像夏奇拉那首歌。

It's that Shakira song.

感觉开始对了，她的舞姿不会说谎。

It's starting to feel right, and her hips don't lie.

这就像是在营造一种氛围，让两个人、两位舞者、两位玩家开始共同占据一个私密的共享世界。

So it's like it's this mood that's being generated where the two people, the two dancers, the two players begin to occupy a shared private world.

在那个世界里，常规规则并不总是适用。

And within that world, the the rules don't always apply.

我们创造了一个不同的有限宇宙，而这实际上就是诱惑的目的——只有我们两个人在这里，创造出一个与外界截然不同的独立宇宙。

We've created a different bounded universe, and that's actually the goal of seduction is that just the two of us here, and we're creating this separate universe that's different from everything else that's going on.

这里只有你和我。

It's just you and me here.

然后我们可以按照在这个微观宇宙中发展出的规则来互动。

And we can then play according to the rules that we've developed inside of this little microcosmic universe.

所以我要先搞好个人卫生。

So I'm gonna get my hygiene right.

我要去健身房锻炼。

I'm gonna hit the gym.

我要买套新衣服。

I'm gonna get a new outfit.

听起来你做得挺不错的。

Sounds like you're doing pretty good.

我要学习如何说话。

I'm gonna learn how to talk.

在最初吸引阶段的漏斗顶端，还有什么是我应该重点关注的，以确保我能提高邀请某人进入这个‘房子’的概率？

Is there anything else that in that sort of initial top of the funnel attraction phase I should be really focusing on to make sure that I increase my probability of just inviting someone in to the house?

这些是最重要的。

Those things are the most important.

很多人在这个阶段过于关注金钱，而事实是，金钱只是我所说的‘吸引力代用品’。

A lot of guys get too focused on money at this stage, and the fact of the matter is is that money is what I call an attraction proxy.

你不需要有钱才能发生关系。

You don't need money to get laid.

你不需要有钱才能吸引注意。

You don't need money to attract attention.

这只是其中一种方式。

It's one way.

比如，如果你去VIP区点瓶装服务，挥霍上万美金，这绝对能吸引眼球。

Like, it will absolutely attract attention if you go to the VIP section and order bottle service, and you're throwing around tens of thousands of dollars.

那是我21岁时的全部策略。

That was my whole strategy when I was 21.

哇。

Wow.

你当时能挥霍上万美金？

You had tens of thousand dollars thrown around?

这只是25岁前的一个策略，对肤浅的关系之类很有效。

Good It for was just a pre 25 strategy that converted well for shallow relationships and stuff.

但除此之外

But other than that

这方法确实可行。

It can work.

但同样，我敢保证有个失业住父母地下室的男人今晚会熬夜，因为他是音乐人，周二要在本地公开麦克风演出。

But at the same token, I guarantee that there is an unemployed man living in his parents' basement who's getting late tonight because he's a musician, and he's playing at the local open mic on Tuesday.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

而他站在舞台上。

And he's up on stage.

如果你年轻、没钱、长得也不帅，那就得想办法脱颖而出。

If you're young and broke and you're not cute, then you have to find some way to stand out.

迄今为止，吸引女性最有效的手段并非金钱本身，因为判断谁有钱并不总是容易的事，尤其是在旧金山这样的地方，亿万富翁有时穿得像流浪汉。

By far, the most useful thing to attracting women is not money per se, because it's not always easy to tell who has money, especially in places like San Francisco, the billionaires dress like homeless people sometimes.

而且，也不一定是权力，因为有时最具权势的人反而远离聚光灯，这让他们能在某种程度上免受约束地行使权力。

And, it's not necessarily power because sometimes the most powerful individuals are actually hidden from the limelight, and that's what allows them to exercise their power with some degree of immunity.

你认识的最有权势的人，可能并非真正最有权势的那些人。

The most powerful people you know are probably not the most powerful people.

真正有效的是名声，是声望，而声望可以在不同层面发挥作用。

The thing that works is fame, is renown, and renown can work at many different levels.

你可以是——这是我当演员时学到的，也是我在纽约起步的方式。

You can be and I learned this as an actor, which is how I got my start in New York City.

在我的职业生涯中，我曾在一些非常小的舞台上表演，有时观众只有寥寥数人。

It's like I performed on some very small stages, throughout my career to sometimes just a few people in the audience.

但事实是，在那两个小时里，如果我是主角，我的名字挂在剧院招牌上，聚光灯打在我身上，从某种程度上说，我就是所谓的‘情境阿尔法’。

But the fact of the matter is for those two hours, if I was the lead and my name was on the marquee and the spotlight was on me, on some level, what I call as I was the contextual alpha.

在那个微小到几乎不值一提的世界里，我处于地位层级的顶端，而这正是能让你获得青睐的原因。

And within that tiny, almost insignificant world, I was at the top of that status hierarchy, and that's what gets you laid.

然而那些女性对我毫无长期交往的兴趣，这促使我认真审视镜中的自己，心想：好吧，真糟糕。

Now those same women had no interest in having a long term relationship with me, and that's what kind of motivated me to take a hard look at the guy in the mirror and think, well, shit.

为什么会有女人想嫁给我呢？

Why would a woman wanna marry me?

就像我住在这个蟑螂遍地的一居室公寓里。

It's like I'm living in this one room studio with roaches everywhere.

我身无分文。

It's like I'm broke.

我过着月光族的生活。

I'm living month to month.

我的生活方式糟透了。

My lifestyle sucks.

除了这个——姑且说是成为成功演员的模糊愿景外，我其实没什么雄心壮志，尽管那意味着什么我也不清楚。

I don't really have much ambition except for this, let's say, very vague vision about becoming a successful actor, whatever that meant.

我...我其实没有真正的计划，在长期关系方面也提供不了什么。

I I wasn't really I didn't really have a plan, and I didn't really have much to offer in terms of a long term relationship.

于是我说，好吧。

And so I said, okay.

既然这是我想要的，我就得...我是说，不会有救兵来帮忙的。

Well, if this is something that I want, I gotta I mean, the cavalry isn't coming.

我必须自己行动，因为没人会替我完成。

I gotta do it because no one else will.

我对自己的生活承担了近乎极端的责任，然后，你知道的，开始走上另一条路。

And I took kind of radical responsibility for my life and, you know, started down a different path.

我们聊到了吸引力。

We talked about attraction.

随着你深入这个筛选过程，下一个挑战就变成了如何真正留住一个人。

As you move down through that funnel, the next challenge becomes actually keeping someone.

是啊。

Yeah.

说来有趣，虽然我在二十出头时似乎能吸引女性，但那时我无法让任何女性愿意与我建立关系，尤其是我心仪的那些。

And I funny enough, because in my early twenties, although I could seemingly attract women at this point, I couldn't get any of them to wanna be in a relationship with me, especially the ones I wanted.

没错。

Yeah.

吸引男性或女性的方法与维系关系的方法并不相同。

What is useful to get a man or a woman is not the same thing as what works to keep a man or a woman.

这是两个不同的问题。

Those are two different problems.

有些人其实是很好的长期伴侣，但他们非常不擅长吸引异性。

Some people actually make great long term partners, but they're terrible at attracting.

他们在'营销'自己这方面表现糟糕。

They're terrible at the marketing.

另一些人，他们精于营销，但缺乏实质内容，所以无论从哪方面看都难以长久维系关系，因此更难留住伴侣。

Other people, they get the marketing down, but they lack the substance, so they can't really go the distance from one way or the other, and so it's harder than to keep their partners around.

这是两个不同的问题。

They're two different problems.

适用于一个问题的解决方案并不适用于另一个。

The solution for one does not apply to the other.

尤其是，绝大多数吸引力都建立在投射的幻想之上。

In particular, the vast majority of attraction is based on projected fantasy.

我并不了解你是谁。

I don't know who you are.

我只看到外表，而我接近你是因为我喜欢那个外在形象。

I just see the outside, and I'm gonna approach you because I like that outside.

而我的吸引力会在我认知空白处填补上我想看到的东西。

And my attraction is going to fill in the gaps of my knowledge base with what I want to see there.

这就是为什么我说过我做了一期关于大多数男人如何搞砸第一次约会的节目。

That's why I talk about I made an episode about how most men blow the first date.

他们搞砸第一次约会是因为话太多。

They blow the first date by talking too much.

他们话太多是出于向女性证明自身价值的错误想法。

They talk too much out of the misguided desire to prove their value to women.

他们通常表现得笨拙生硬，结果往往只是成功打破了女性对男性原有的幻想——而这正是她今晚坐在这里约会的原因。

They usually do it in a very heavy handed, ham fisted way, and generally, all they do is succeed in disabusing that woman of the fantasy that she had of that man, which is why she was sitting there on that date tonight.

因为我说的话与你内心期待相符的可能性几乎为零。

Because the likelihood that anything I say is going to match up with what you want to see in the privacy of your own mind is functionally zero.

所以我必须非常谨慎，因为你参加这次约会并不是因为喜欢我——毕竟你他妈的根本还不了解我。

So I need to tread very carefully because you're not on this date because you like me because you don't fucking know who I am yet.

你在这里是因为你期待我可能成为的样子，所以我必须非常小心，不能太快打破你的这种期待。

You're here because of what you hope I might be, and so I need to be very careful not to disabuse you of that hope too quickly.

对吧？

Right?

这实际上是从一个阶段过渡到另一个阶段的关键。

It's actually the the key to to transitioning from one phase to the other.

这听起来可能很糟糕，但失望是缓慢而逐渐累积的。

It's gonna sound real bad, but it's a slow and gradual disappointment.

对吧？

Right?

你必须这样做，因为如果你不这样做，最终会得到什么结果？

And and you have to do this because if you you don't do it, then what do you end up with?

最终你会陷入一段关系，在其中你没有被真正了解，而是一直在表演。

You end up in a relationship where you're not truly known, and you're just performing all the time.

这种关系可能无法长久维持，而且肯定不太令人满意。

And that's probably not sustainable, but it's certainly not very satisfying.

可能还会突然出现失望。

And there'll be a sudden disappointment probably.

通常都是这样。

There generally is.

我在书里讨论过这个问题。

I talk about that in the book.

失望危机是所有新生关系必须经历的首个危机之一。

The crisis of disappointment is one of the first crises that all nascent relationships must pass through.

某种程度上，直到伴侣们经历失望危机——无论是通过一次重大背叛还是小矛盾积累，导致关系赖以维系的幻想破灭——这段关系才算真正开始。

And on some level, the relationship doesn't even begin in earnest until couples go through the crisis of disappointment, where either through one significant betrayal or the accumulation of small inconsistencies, the fantasy on which the relationship has been based up until that point shatters.

这个人其实和前一天并无不同，但他/她会感觉完全不同。

And the person is really no different from who he or she was the day before, but he or she's gonna feel completely different.

因为这就像你突然擦亮了眼睛，真正看清了这个人。

Because it's almost like you're the scales have dropped from your eyes, and you're seeing this person.

也许一周前还觉得可爱迷人的特质，现在却变得令人恼火、难以忍受。

And maybe what sound what seemed cute and lovable and adorable just a week ago now is completely infuriating and, difficult to live with.

有时我们最初最被吸引的特质，往往会在日后成为最讨厌伴侣的地方。

Sometimes the very things that we're most attracted to tend to be the things that we dislike most about our partners further down the road.

这真是个残酷的讽刺。

It's a cruel irony.

你谈到这个关系转折点真有意思——当突然的失望来临，蜜月期光环效应破碎的那一刻。

So interesting when you talk about this moment that some relationships go through where they have that sudden disappointment where the kind of honeymoon effect, the halo effect of this person kinda shatters.

嗯。

Mhmm.

你说那才是关系真正开始的时候。

And you say that's when the relationship actually begins.

嗯，是的。

Well, yeah.

因为正是在那一刻，你终于有机会看清对方的真实面目，而在此之前你只能看到自己想看的部分。

Because it's at that point where you have the opportunity at long last to see the other person for who he or she is, and you couldn't see that before you just saw what you wanted to see.

你的感知被吸引力所扭曲了。

You were distorted in your perception by your attraction.

你需要这种扭曲，否则在此之前你为何要冒险投入时间和精力去经营这段关系呢？

And you need some of that distortion because why else would you have taken the risk and the expense and the opportunity to pursue this relationship up until that point?

确实，你需要一点吸引力。

Like, you need a little bit of attraction.

但吸引力过强就太疯狂了。

Too much of attraction is crazy.

我是说，这完全是扭曲的。

I mean, it's completely distortive.

吸引力不足，你就无法克服行为惯性。

Not enough attraction, and you're not gonna overcome the behavioral inertia.

你会过于纠结于自己的想法，觉得这不值得。

You're just gonna be so in your head, and gonna be like, this isn't worth it.

我宁愿去做成功概率更高的事，能以更可预测和稳定的方式满足我的某个需求。

I'd rather just do something with a higher likelihood of success where I can get one of my needs met in a more predictable and consistent way.

因为感情关系真的像掷骰子，尤其是现在比以往任何时候都更甚。

Because relationships are really a roll of the dice, especially today more than, yeah, more than ever.

那么在第一天，女性是否也会因为话太多而自我否定，让男人觉得'天啊'？

So on that first day, can women also talk themselves out of it in terms of the women talking too much and the man going Jesus Christ.

她们可以，但大多数男人只是想发生关系。

They can, but most guys just are they're trying to get laid.

所以除非这个女人完全是个灾难，或者那个男人有足够的选择余地可以挑剔。

So like the woman would have to be a total train wreck or that guy would have to have enough optionality that he could be picky.

但大多数男人并不挑剔，因为他们实在太渴望得到任何机会了。

But most men are not picky because most men are just really hungry for anything that they're willing to get.

我知道这听起来不太好，但某种程度上是事实。

I know that sounds bad, but it's kinda true.

嗯，我是说，数据也支持这一点，不是吗？

Well, I mean, it's supported by data as well, isn't it?

你知道，我反复听说前10%的男性拥有最多的性机会。

That, you know, I've heard repeatedly that the top 10% of men are having most of the sex.

他们简直所向披靡。

They are killing it.

这年头可真是活久见啊，老兄。

It's like what a time to be alive these days, man.

这似乎就是失调的性市场最终会呈现的状态。

And that seems to be kind of the end state of a dysregulated sexual marketplace.

而且这种现象并不罕见。

And it's not unusual.

这并不罕见。

It's not uncommon.

就像我们在各种动物物种中都能看到这种现象，比如象海豹、野马。

Like, we see this in all kinds of animal species, elephant seals, wild mustangs.

你会看到一些雄性领袖主导雌性群体，她们围绕这些雄性形成后宫。

It's like you see some alpha males dominate the females who congregate in harems around those men.

如果那个雄性被其他竞争者击败，雌性们并不会保持忠诚。

And if that man is defeated by another contender, the women aren't loyal.

那些雌性并非真正爱那个个体，不会在它战败后依然坚守。

It's not like those females love that individual, and they'll stick with it even after it's defeated in combat.

她们只会转向下一个胜利者。

They just move on to the next one.

据比我更了解此事的专家称，地球上85%的文化都曾实行过多配偶制。

85% of cultures on this planet, according to people who know more about this than I do, have been polygamous.

我们看到的是，当女性在性市场中能够自主做出选择时，她们会锁定前10%的男性。

And what we see is that when women are able and empowered to make their own sexual decisions in sexual marketplace, they target the top 10% of men.

不过这带来了很多问题。

That creates a lot of problems, though.

无论对男性还是女性，都造成了许多问题。

Creates a lot of problems both for men and women.

对女性而言，问题在于那10%的男性中任何一人放弃他们惊人的性选择权、与她们建立一夫一妻制专属关系的可能性微乎其微。

It creates problems for women because the likelihood that any one of those 10% men are going to give up their insane sexual optionality and enter into a monogamous exclusive arrangement with them is very negligible.

就像，那个男人必须彻底厌倦了周旋情场，完全准备好成家立业安定下来。

Like, that guy has to be so done with playing the field and so ready to start a family and settle down.

所以这更多关乎时机，而非成为那个对的女人。

So it's really about timing as opposed to being the right woman.

你只需要在正确时机表现得足够好，以吸引那个男人的注意。

You kinda just have to be be good enough at the right moment to kind of capture that man's attention.

而对绝大多数女性来说，她们都不会成为那个幸运儿。

And for the vast majority of those women, they're not gonna be it.

但除此之外还有其他选择吗？

But what's the alternative?

比如说，你看这个男的怎么样？

It's like, how about this, you know, this guy?

他就是个彻头彻尾的普通人。

He's he's completely average.

他没什么不好的地方。

There's nothing bad about him.

但也没什么特别出彩的。

Nothing that great about him either.

他会是个好丈夫。

He'd make a great husband.

不过这话听起来不太有吸引力。

Like, that doesn't sound very attractive.

我能理解这种想法。

I can understand that.

你是否依然认为恋爱关系是两个人之间的价值交换？

Do you still think that relationships are a exchange of value between two people?

当然。

Of course.

那么这种价值交换是什么呢？

And what is that exchange of value?

因为当我读到这个说法时，听起来有点像拜金主义之类的。

Because when I when when you when I read that, it kinda sounds like gold digging or something.

这是因为人们往往从字面上理解价值，尤其是经济学这个词，在集体意识中总是与金钱紧密关联。

Well, that's because often people take value very literally, And especially economics, that word just is associated very strongly with money in the collective imagination.

我记得在一个脚注里引用了奥地利经济学派米塞斯的定义，他基本上将经济学定义为研究人类如何利用有限手段实现目标的行为科学，这些手段本可以有其他用途。

I think in one of the footnotes, I use a definition from von Mises the Austrian School of Economics, and he basically defines economics as the study of human behavior in respect to means and with respect to ends and scarce means that could be applied in other ways.

最简单的解释是：人们不会主动接近毫无价值的人。

The easiest way to explain the value is that people don't move towards people they want nothing to do with.

他们有更重要的事情要做，尤其是当他们拥有时间、精力和注意力这些稀缺资源时，而且他们确实想从他人那里获取些什么。

They have better things to do, especially when they have these scarce resources like time, like energy, like attention, and that they want things from other people.

打个比方，就像远远看着购物一样。

If I, at a distance, can see there's it's like going shopping.

我可以远远地观察。

I can look at a distance.

那家店里没有我想要的东西。

There's nothing in that store that I want.

我不必进去浪费时间确认是否真的如此，因为我今天还有其他事情要做。

I don't have to go in and waste my time to figure out whether that's absolutely true or not because I have other things to do today.

所以，如果那家店没有我想要的东西，我就不会踏入它的门槛。

So it's like if there's nothing that I want from that store, I'm not gonna walk through its doors.

对吧？

Right?

人们不会接近那些他们无所求的人。

People don't move towards those they don't want anything from.

那么价值是什么？

So what is value?

价值可以是各种各样的东西。

Value can be all kinds of things.

价值是任何可以购买或赢得的东西。

Value is anything that can be bought or earned.

好的。

Okay.

并非所有东西都能购买或赢得，我有一整章专门讨论这个，但确实有很多东西是可以购买或赢得的。

Not everything can be bought and earned, and I have a whole chapter about that, but a lot of things can be bought and earned.

好的。

Okay.

那么请举例说明在关系背景下我们交换的最重要的几种价值类型。

So give me some examples of the most important types of values values that we exchange in the context of a relationship.

性。

Sex.

对。

Yeah.

安全感。

Security.

是的。

Yeah.

刺激。

Excitement.

对。

Yeah.

情感支持。

Emotional support.

没错。

Yeah.

育儿。

Child rearing.

好的。

Okay.

男性和女性对这些价值的重视程度有所不同吗？

And do women and men value those types of value differently?

当然。

Of course.

那么男性更看重什么，女性又更看重什么呢？

And what do what do men value more and what do women value more?

这个问题挺难的。

That's a tough one.

因为不仅男女对这些的重视程度不同，而且在他们人生的不同阶段，重视程度也会变化。

Because not only do men and women value those differently, but men and women value them differently at different stages of their life.

好吧。

Okay.

比如，我敢肯定你在提供酒水服务时，根本没考虑过这些女性是否具备良好的母性能力。

Like, I'm sure when you were doing the bottle service, you were not really thinking whether these women had good maternal capacities.

没有。

No.

对吧？

Right?

你当时是想找人上床。

You were you were Trying to get laid.

没错。

Exactly.

你带着不同的需求或欲望接近那些女性。

You were approaching those women with a different set of needs or desires.

这没什么问题，因为实际上很难有一个人能满足所有这些被过度叠加的需求和欲望。

There's nothing wrong with that because it's actually very difficult for one person to meet this hyperconflated set of needs and wants.

这就是为什么现在的关系容易失败的原因之一——我们想从一个人身上得到太多东西。

That's one of the reasons why relationships tend to fail these days is we want too many things from one person.

我们还期望一个人能在我们整个生命中满足所有需求，这即使不是不可能，也是非常困难的。

And we expect one person to be all things across our entire lives, which is very difficult, if not impossible.

这种事情能发生就已经很不可思议了。

It's like incredible that it even happens at all.

过去不是这样的，对吧？

That didn't used to be the case, did it?

嗯，过去确实如此，主要是因为离婚非常困难，甚至几乎不可能。

Well, it used to be the case mostly because it was so difficult, if not impossible to divorce.

而且社会对分居有许多禁忌。

And there were a lot of social taboos against separation.

但如果我生活在那个时代，我会在一个社区里，你知道，我们现在的生活更加孤立和孤独，所以村庄本可以满足我在价值观方面的一些需求。

But I I would have been living in, a community where I could have got you know, we're living much more isolated and lonely now, so I would have been you know, the village would have given me some of those things that I'm looking for in terms of value.

我本可以拥有一个庞大的社交结构围绕着我。

I would have had a big social structure around me.

确实如此。

Absolutely.

我在书中提到过，我们过去生活在小型社区中，与许多人建立了多种多样的关系，还有扩展的亲属网络和跨代同堂的居住方式。

I talk about that in the book is that we used to live in small communities where we actually had lots of different kinds of relationships with lots of different people and also an extended kin networks and intergenerational housing, for instance.

因此，随着核心家庭的出现和真正社区的瓦解，我们期望伴侣能成为一切——既是整个村庄，又是扩展家庭，这实际上是不可能的。

And so with the advent of the nuclear family and the dissolution of real community, we expect our partner to be all things to be an entire village and an extended family, and that's just really not possible.

我的意思是，尤其是爱情婚姻本身可能就是个悖论，因为你想要一个情感稳定、安全的伴侣，同时又是充满激情的爱人和性伴侣。

I mean, the love marriage in particular may even be a paradox in terms because you want kind of, let's say, an emotionally stable, safe companion who is also your passionate lover and sexual partner.

即兴的，冒险的。

Spontaneous, risky.

非常困难，几乎不可能。

So difficult, if not impossible.

是啊。

Yeah.

比如，肯定无法同时做到这两件事。

Like, certainly can't do both of those things at the same time.

最多只能在两者之间摇摆不定。

The best you can hope for is to kind of vacillate between the two of them Yeah.

需要找到一种平衡，保持足够的激情或即兴冒险来维系亲密关系，同时维持关系的稳定和长期安全感。

To kind of create a proportion, just enough passion or spontaneity and risk to keep the kind of bedroom alive, but still maintaining the stability and long term security of the relationship.

这非常难以把握。

It's very difficult to manage.

我觉得这很难。

I find this difficult.

我觉得这很难。

I find this difficult.

我觉得很难维持——我现在正处于一段五年的关系中。

I find it difficult to be in I'm in a five year relationship now.

我在想，怎么才能再坚持五十年？

I'm like, how do you how do you go for another fifty years?

因为，你知道，要和同一个人保持五十年的新鲜感和激情，同时还要保持性吸引力、新鲜感等等，同时又要稳定、安全、可预测、舒适、始终如一。

Because I I you know, with the with the same person and maintain the spontaneity and excitement for fifty years, you know, and being the kind of novel sexually attractive, whatever, while also being stable, safe, predictable, comfortable, present at the same time.

感觉像是悖论一样。

Like, feel like paradoxes.

这非常困难，你必须要有创造力。

It's very hard and you have to be creative.

这就是为什么会有像维多利亚的秘密这样的地方存在。

Mean, it's part of the reason why there are that places like Victoria's Secret exist.

你明白我的意思吗？

You know what I'm saying?

21岁的女孩其实不会在那里购物。

It's like 21 year old girls aren't shopping there, really.

所以如果你不愿意真正开放你们的关系，那么你得想办法让你的伴侣感到新鲜，这可能意味着不同的装扮。

So if you're not willing to actually open up your relationship, then you have to kind of make your partner feel new, which could mean different outfits.

也可能意味着在私下里尝试扮演不同的角色。

It could mean play and entering in and experimenting with different roles behind closed doors.

甚至仅仅是旅行也能达到效果。

It can also just mean travel.

是的。

Yeah.

我觉得，最能激发夫妻间性生活的因素之一就是异国他乡的床单。

I mean, one thing that really seems to spark sex life in couples is foreign bedsheets.

我认为你只是改变了环境，这种新鲜感就足以重新唤起男性的一些性趣。

And I think that you've just sort of changed the context, and that's enough of a spark of novelty to bring some of the sexual interest back for the man.

我觉得新鲜感对男性比对女性更重要。

I think novelty is more important for men than for women.

你刚才听到的是往期节目中的一个高光回放片段。

What you just listened to was a most replayed moment from a previous episode.

如果想收听完整版节目，我已将链接放在下方。

If you wanna listen to that full episode, I've linked it down below.

详情请查看描述栏。

Check the description.

谢谢。

Thank you.