临危不乱的内在卓越七原则 | 吉姆·墨菲

对吧？

Correct?

巴诺书店把书下架？

The and Noble pulling off the shelves?

对。

Yeah.

就像，不是吗

Like, didn't

后来，我记得它在货架上放了多久。

Eventually, I remember how long it was on the shelves.

并不是几周内就发生了。

It didn't happen in a matter of weeks.

过了一阵子，他们把它下架了。

After a while, they pulled it.

我陷入了低谷。

I was spiraling.

当你把自己孤立起来时，我们就会在关系中失去创造力；当你孤立无援，没有人告诉你真实的自己是谁、你究竟能做到什么，你就可能开始像我一样陷入恶性循环。

And when you isolate yourself, we're creative for relationship, and when you isolate yourself and have no one to tell you the truth about who you are, and what's possible for you, then you can start to really spiral like I was.

于是我给朋友里基·斯克鲁格斯打了电话，说：‘嘿，告诉我该怎么做。’他回答：‘去找个无家可归的人，帮帮他。’

So I called my friend Ricky Scruggs, and I said, hey, tell me what to do, and he said, find a homeless person and help him.

于是我找到了街角一位玩竖琴的流浪汉，那家伙居然在弹一架全尺寸的竖琴，真是奇怪。

And so I find this homeless harpist around the corner, this guy playing a full sized harp, really strange.

我听着他的音乐，看了看钱包，里面有一百美元——我一定是刚取了现金透支。

I listen to him play the music, I look at my wallet, I had a $100, so I must have taken a cash advance out.

我的大部分信用卡都已经刷爆了。

Most of my credit cards were maxed out.

于是我拿出所有的钱，给了他，然后离开，回到我原来站的地方，跑上跑步机，试图让自己喘过气来。

And so I took all the money, and I gave it to him, and I leave, I go back to where I stand, and run on the treadmill to try and breathe.

我后来又回到了丹佛的同一个地方。

I come back to that same area in Denver.

我坐在星巴克里，呆呆地凝视着虚空，焦虑得不行，这时那个流浪竖琴手从我面前走过，突然停下脚步，问我：‘你就是那个给我钱的人吗？’

I'm sitting in the Starbucks just staring off into the abyss, so much anxiety, and the homeless harpist walks past me, stops in his tracks, says, you the guy that gave me that money?

当我写这本书时，我问了教会里一个女孩：你能读一下这本书，确认它是否符合《圣经》吗？

When I was writing the book, I asked this girl from my church, I said, can you read this book and make sure it lines up with the Bible?

因为我想确保它充满智慧，没有任何虚假内容。

Because I wanna make sure it's filled with wisdom and it has no falsehoods in it.

她在流放中阅读时说：你听说过‘Zoe’这个词吗？

And she reads in her exile, she says, have you ever heard of the word Zoe?

她说：读一读你的书。

She said, read your book.

你听说过‘Zoe’这个词吗？

Have you ever heard of the word Zoe?

我说：没有。

I said, no.

她说：这是一个希腊词，意思是生命。

She said, it's a Greek word that means life.

这个词在《圣经》中多次出现。

It's in the Bible a lot.

它意味着生命的丰盛。

It means fullness of life.

我说，是的，这本书讲的就是这个。

I said yes, that's what this book is about.

我这一生都执着于这些交易、成功，而我真正想要的，是感受到完全鲜活的生命。

My whole life, I've obsessed about these transactions, being successful, and what I've always really wanted is to feel fully alive.

于是我开始围绕追求生命的丰盛来撰写这本书，让其他一切自然加添给你。

So I started to revolve my book around pursuing fullness of life and letting everything else be added to you.

我在星巴克时，那个无家可归的男子离开了，又回来，送给我一条他亲手做的手链、一张卡片和一盒巧克力。

So I'm in the Starbucks, and this guy, the homeless guy, he left and he came back and he gave me a bracelet that he made and a card and a box of chocolates.

我打开卡片，上面写着：谢谢你关心我。

I opened up the card and it said, thank you so much for caring for me.

爱你的，佐伊。

Love, Zoe.

他的名字叫佐伊。

His name was Zoe.

我说，你知道你的名字是什么意思吗？

I said, do you know what your name means?

他说，不知道。

And he said, no.

我说，它意味着生命的绝对丰盈。

I said, it means absolute fullness of life.

我研究了五年这个主题。

I've studied that for five years.

我刚写了一本关于这个的书。

I just wrote a book about it.

我读了一本书，然后写下：亲爱的佐伊，谢谢你今天与我分享你美妙的音乐。

I read a book, and I wrote, dear Zoe, thank you so much for sharing your beautiful music with me today.

你不知道这对我意味着什么。

You don't know what that meant to me.

吉姆敬上。

Love Jim.

我把它给了他，从此再也没见过他。

I gave it to him, I'd never see him again.

那标志着我生活中彻底的转变的开始。

And that was the start of a complete transformation in my life.

四月一日，大约六周后，我走进了这个人的家。

April 1, about six weeks later, I walk into this guy's house.

一个朋友的朋友开始向我讲述我的人生。

A friend of a friend starts to tell me about my life.

我以前从未见过他，这真的非常奇怪。

I'd never met him before, and it was really strange.

然后，房子里这位女士，我以前从未见过她，她画了一只风筝，递给我，问：这张画有什么不对劲？

And then this gal in the house, I'd never met her before, she draws a picture of a kite, hands it to me, says, what's wrong with this picture?

我说：嗯，你的风筝没有线。

And I said, well, your kite doesn't have a string.

她说：没错，这只风筝就是你。

And she said, yeah, that kite is you.

我之前根本没见过她，所以我在想，这到底是怎么回事？

And I had never even met her before, and so I was like, what is happening here?

于是他们当晚邀请我去参加圣经学习。

And so they invited me to a Bible study that night.

我相信上帝，但我只是迷失了方向。

Like, I believed in God, but I was just so lost.

就像我说的，我已经把自己孤立起来了。

And like I said, I had isolated myself.

就在那个晚上，我感受到上帝在对我说：你过去做过什么，或将来会做什么，都不会改变我对你的爱。

And then that night, I felt God saying there's nothing you've ever done or could ever do would change how much I love you.

我感觉肩上压着整个世界的重量，有成千上万件事等着做，每一件都必须昨天就完成，我不知道该怎么处理，但就在那个晚上，这整个世界的重担从我肩上卸下了。

And I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, had a million things to do, it all had to be done yesterday, I didn't know how to do it, and that weight of the world fell off my shoulders that night.

是因为你放下了，交给了更高的力量，所以重担才卸下吗？

Did it fall off your shoulders because you're letting go to like a higher power?

是的。

Yeah.

我投降了，我说：上帝，我愿意做你想要的一切。

I surrendered my I said, God, I'll do whatever you want.

只告诉我该做什么。

Just tell me what to do.

我去尼泊尔也可以，把所有财产都捐出去，住在孤儿院里，或者用余生做志愿者，随便你让我做什么，只告诉我该怎么做。

I'll move to Nepal, I'll give away all my possessions, live in an orphanage, whatever, volunteer the rest of my life, just tell me what to do.

我不再想要这种焦虑了。

I don't want this anxiety anymore.

这不也是十二步计划的关键吗？

Isn't that the key to 12 Step programs too?

是的，是的。

Yeah, yeah.

第三步是将你的意志和生命交托给上帝，按照你对他的理解。

Step three is surrender your will and your life over to God as you understand him.

所以这就是为什么，我认为十二步计划之所以成功，是因为它认识到，我们的自我——那个总是感到受威胁、总是比较、永不满足的部分——才是我们最大的挑战。

Yeah, so that's why, I mean, 12 Step program has changed millions of lives all over the world, and it's because, I think it's so successful, because it realizes that the ego, that part of our mind that's always threatened, always comparing, never satisfied, is our biggest challenge.

而顺从非常困难，尤其是当你很有才华的时候。

And surrender is so hard, especially when you're talented.

但在那一刻，我感觉自己一无所有。

But at that moment, I felt like I had nothing.

所以，顺从一无所有，比顺从很多要容易得多。

And so, to surrender nothing is much easier than to surrender a lot.

你拥有成功的人生，要顺从就非常困难。

You've got a successful life, it's very hard to surrender.

但这才是关键：放弃你微小的力量，交出宇宙的力量。

But that's the key, surrender your little power for the power of the universe.

自我中心、自负和自信之间是如何相互作用的？

Where does ego and sort of self centeredness and self confidence interact?

是的，这是个很好的问题，因为大多数人，尤其是年轻运动员，都会陷入这种困惑。

Yeah, that's a great question, because what happens to most people, especially young athletes, is they have this confusion.

对我来说，为了在体育中实现目标，我需要自信。

Like, I know that for me to achieve my goals in sports, I need to be confident.

那么，这意味着我需要谈论自己吗？

And so does that mean I need to talk about myself?

我需要表现得傲慢自大吗？

Do I need to be brash and boastful?

一年半前，我和一位 MLB 全明星有过一次很棒的对话。

I had this great conversation with a Major League All Star a year and a half ago.

我说，职业运动员来找我，是因为他们想要自信，这很好。

I said, pro athletes, they come to me because they want confidence, and that's great.

自信非常有帮助。

Confidence is super helpful.

但有一种东西比自信更强大，那就是完全专注于当下。

But there's something even more powerful than confidence, and that's being fully present.

我说，如果有两位运动员或表演者天赋相同，我每次都会选择那个完全专注于当下的人。

I said, if you have two athletes that are, or performers that are the same talent, I'll take the fully present person over the fully confident one every single time.

因为当你自信时，可能会变得不在意。

Because when you're confident, you can get care less.

看看有多少次，那些极其自信的人进入表演状态时，表现却并不出色。

And just look at how many times someone that's that's super confident goes into a performance, and they don't perform great.

这种情况很常见。

It's common.

但如果你完全专注，这种情况就少得多。

But it's way less common if you're fully present.

这位大联盟全明星告诉我，他说，我也经历过同样的事情。

And so this major league all star told me, he said, I've experienced the same thing.

当我投球时，在牛棚热身，如果我没有集中注意力，我的自信就不会很高。

And when I'm pitching, and I'm in the bullpen getting warmed up, and if I'm not dialed in, then my confidence isn't super high.

然后我会和自己进行一番对话。

But so then I have this conversation with myself.

我会说，别管你的结果会怎样。

I say, look, I don't care what your outcome is.

即使你保送十名打者，那也没关系，但你必须保持专注。

You can walk 10 guys, it doesn't matter, but you are gonna be present out there.

他说，在那些日子里，我很多时候的表现反而比完全自信时还要好。

And he said, on those days, a lot of times I performed better than I did when I was fully confident.

那什么是

What does

什么是专注？

it mean to be present?

这是个很好的问题，因为很多人理解它时，往往不够深入。

It's a great question because a lot of people, they take it, they don't go far enough.

他们只是说，哦，别想别的，只关注你能看到的东西，或者要活在当下，但对我来说，这种观点太局限了。

They just like, oh, just don't think about anything but what you can see, or be where your feet are, and that's such a limiting view for me.

如果你是个教练，解释清楚这到底是什么、意味着什么，是非常重要的。

It's super important if you're a coach to explain what this is, what does it mean?

我们追求的是一种自由感，一种一切皆有可能的感觉，一种 heightened awareness（高度警觉）。

And so what we're going for is this sense of freedom, this sense that anything is possible, this heightened awareness.

而要获得这种自由，我称之为共鸣的流动，即你与自己同步，感到深深的连接、踏实和专注。

And to get that freedom, what I call this flow of resonance, where you're in sync with you just feel really connected, grounded, centered.

此时此刻，你不会在意自己。

There's no concern for self.

想象一下，你看到了有史以来最伟大的艺术品。

Imagine that you're you see the greatest piece of art ever you've ever seen.

或者那件艺术品可能是大峡谷、彩虹、一本好书、一部电影，无论是什么，你都被深深吸引，完全沉浸其中。

Or maybe that art is is the Grand Canyon, or rainbow, or a great book, or movie, whatever it is, but you're enraptured, you're totally caught up in it.

你还会在意自己吗？

Are you concerned about yourself?

你会自我意识过强吗？

Are you self conscious?

别人会怎么想我？

What are people thinking about me?

如果我没做好怎么办？

What if I don't do this right?

当你处于那种状态时，心中完全没有自我的念头，而那正是我们表现最佳的时候。

There's no thoughts of self when you're in that moment, and that's when we're at our best.

没有自我，正如蒂姆·凯勒所说，这是一种忘我的状态。

There's no self it's, as Tim Keller says, self forgetful.

因此，无私就是无畏。

That's why selfless is fearless.

恐惧本质上是自我，是一种以自我为中心的对未来担忧。

There's fear is the self in general, it's a self centered future thing.

接下来会发生什么？

What will happen to me next?

在我演出之后、拉完小提琴、做完这场演讲之后，会发生什么？

After I do this performance, after I perform, play the violin, give this talk, what will happen?

人们会怎么想？

What will people think?

但如果不再关心自我，那就有了自由。

Is the but if there's no concern for self, then there's freedom.

而自由，正是当今表演中最为缺失的东西之一。

And freedom was one of the biggest things that that are lacking in performance today.

有一本几年前出版的书叫《被讨厌的勇气》。

There's a book written a while back called The Courage to be Disliked.

我从这本书中领悟到的一个关键信息是，大多数人默认会安排自己的生活以避免批评。

One of the key messages that I took away from that book was that by default, a lot of people just organize their lives to avoid criticism.

他们不会说出自己真实的想法。

They don't say what they actually think.

他们担心自己的形象。

They're worried about how they look.

他们不想看起来像个傻瓜，所以不敢尝试新事物。

They don't wanna look like an idiot, so they don't try something.

因为他们不敢尝试，所以不会失败，但也不会取得成功，更无法推动社会进步。

Because they don't try something, they don't fail, but they also don't sort of succeed and push society forward.

是的。

Yeah.

当然。

For sure.

你对这个有什么反应？

What's your reaction to that?

哦，这非常非常普遍。

Oh, that's super, super common.

除了爱和智慧，最重要的资源是勇气。

The greatest resource other than love and wisdom is courage.

因为我们都能够拥有它。

Because we can all have it.

爱意味着难以自我牺牲，而智慧则需要大量的学习和放下。

Love is hard to sacrifice yourself, and wisdom is is it takes a lot of study and surrender.

勇气，地球上每一个人都是可以拥有的。

Courage, every single person on the planet can have courage.

我发现，任何领域中最顶尖的人最普遍具备的就是这一点。

And that's what I found is the most common amongst the highest performers in anything.

他们可能没有太多的智慧或爱，但他们有勇气。

They may not have a lot of wisdom or love, but they have courage.

这在商业、体育、音乐，任何领域都是如此。

And that's business, sports, music, anything.

我的意思是，他们愿意直面自己的恐惧。

And what I mean by that is they're willing to face their fears.

他们愿意显得愚蠢。

They're willing to look foolish.

他们愿意失败。

They're willing to fail.

他们愿意接受评判。

They're willing to be judged.

我一直以来都是这样，每当我与客户合作时，人们来找我，都不是为了设定小目标。

I always have, whenever I work with a client, people come to me, they don't come to me for small goals.

他们想要成为世界第一，或赢得世界冠军、奥运金牌。

They want to be world number one, or win a world championship, Olympic gold medal.

所以我告诉他们：好吧，你告诉我你想要的这段旅程，就像攀登一座高山。

And so I tell them, I say, okay, so this journey that you're telling me you want, it's like climbing a mountain.

当你攀登时，通常刚开始我们会进展很快，你可能会迅速上升。

As you climb, and generally when we start, we're going to go pretty fast, and you may ascend pretty fast.

但会发生的是，你会变得更加暴露。

But what's going to happen is you're going to get more exposed.

会有更多人关注你、谈论你。

There's going be a lot more people looking at you and talking about you.

然后你可能会跌倒。

And then you may fall.

如果你跌倒，你会跌得比以往任何一次都更远。

And if you fall, you're going to fall farther than you've fallen before.

这意味着外界的评判也会更强烈。

And that means the judgment is going to be stronger.

如果你不愿意承受这些，那就不要设定这样的目标。

If you're not willing to do that, then don't pick that goal.

但如果你真的想要实现你告诉我你想要的目标，现在你就必须愿意以伟大的方式失败，并承受无情的评判。

But if you want to achieve that goal that you're telling me you want, now you have to be willing to fail in a great way and be judged mercilessly.

但如果你不想要这个目标，也没问题。

But it's no problem if you don't want that goal.

选择一个更小的目标。

Pick a smaller goal.

这没问题。

That's fine.

我们该如何教导人们拥有勇气或自信，去相信这一点呢？

How do we teach people to have courage or self confidence to take this faith?

那就是无私。

That's the selflessness.

那就是战胜自我。

That's the master of the ego.

那就是愿意显得愚蠢并去理解。

That's the willingness to look foolish and understand.

所以，我来给你举个例子。

So here's how I'll give you an example.

当时我在一场PGA巡回赛的季后赛中练习，和一位高尔夫球手在一起，我们约定每进一个小鸟球100美元，而另外两位球手在前两个洞都打出了小鸟球。

So I was at this playoff, PGA Tour playoff in practice this round with a golfer, and I was with the plane, $100 a birdie, and the other two golfers birdied the first two holes.

现在他落后了。

Now he's behind.

他在第三个洞有一个短推小鸟球的机会，但他没进。

He has a short birdie putt in the third hole, and he missed it.

他说这球很短，但他感到紧张。

And he said it was a short one, and he said he was nervous.

我说，你没进是因为你的自尊心在作祟。

And I said, you missed that because of your ego.

他问：你什么意思？

He said, what do you mean?

我说，如果你在自家球场练习时，会错过这个球吗？

I said, would you have missed that in practice at your home course?

他说：大概不会。

He said, probably not.

我说，是的，你当时在想着他们，担心他们会怎么想，你真的不想在他们面前失误，这正是导致你紧张和压力并最终失误的原因。

And I said, yeah, you were thinking about them, and you were concerned what they would think, and you really did not want to miss this in front of them, and that's what caused the nervousness and the tension that caused you to miss.

每当你处于这种时刻，当你感到紧张并非常渴望成功时，显然，最好的表现来自于内心的自由。

Whenever you're in that moment, when you're nervous and you really want something, obviously, the best performance comes when you have freedom.

但很容易因为觉得‘这真的很重要’而陷入执着。

But it's easy to get attached to that because you're thinking, okay, this is really important.

于是你就会执着于此，产生紧张。

And so get attached to it and have tension.

所以你可以问自己：在这个时刻，我更想要什么？

So what you can do is ask yourself, what do I want more in this moment?

是这一次成功，还是在这些时刻中不断进步？

To be successful right here this one time, or to get better at these moments?

换句话说，是掌控我的自我。

In other words, to master my ego.

不要被别人的想法所困住。

To not be so caught up in what people think.

大多数人遇到生命中的这些时刻时，都会感到非常不适。

So what happens to most people is that they come to these points in their lives where they're really uncomfortable.

也许他们正在众人面前演讲，或者打乒乓球。

Maybe they're giving a speech or playing ping pong in front of a bunch of people.

具体是什么并不重要。

It doesn't matter what it is.

只要你感到紧张，又有别人在观看，就会来到这些极度不适的时刻，然后因为太不舒服而退缩。

If you're nervous and other people are watching, they come to those moments where they're really uncomfortable, and they back away because they're too uncomfortable.

他们太害怕在别人面前出丑。

They're too afraid of of looking foolish in front of others.

而最成功的人，却愿意看起来愚蠢。

Whereas the most successful people, they're willing to look foolish.

他们愿意犯错。

They're willing to make mistakes.

我认为很多人知道这一点，但我们要如何做到呢？

And so I think a lot of people know that, but how do we get there?

在那一刻，你要意识到，当我最不舒服的时候，正是对你而言最关键的时候。

And so in that moment, it's realizing that when I'm the most uncomfortable, that's the moment that's the key for you.

这是内在卓越的第一条原则。

And it's it's principle number one for inner excellence.

一切都在教导我、帮助我。

Everything is here to teach me and help me.

一切都在为我的利益服务。

It's all working for my good.

我们要寻找那些你最不舒服的时刻，并提醒自己：这就是我的老师。

We're going go look for those moments when you're most uncomfortable, and and say and remind yourself, this is my teacher.

内在卓越在于拓展你认为可能的事情的边界。

And inner excellence is about expanding what you believe is possible.

内在卓越有三个支柱：信念、自由和专注。

There's three pillars of inner excellence, belief, freedom, and focus.

要全身心投入当下，拥有像孩子一样玩耍的自由，并拓展你认为可能的事情。

To be fully engaged in the moment, have freedom to play like a child, and and expand what you believe is possible.

去做你从未做过的事，成为你从未成为过的人。

To become to do things you've never done and become someone you've never been.

要扩展你认为可能的事情——这是至关重要的支柱，我们需要找到那些让自己感到不适的时刻，并拥抱这些时刻。

And to expand what you believe is possible, kind of that crucial pillar, is we need to find those moments where we're uncomfortable, and we need to embrace that moment.

我们做到这一点的方式是明白，关键不在于结果，而在于我是否愿意留在当下，而不退缩。

And the way we do it is we understand that the key thing here is not the outcome, but it's my willingness to be in this moment and not back away.

即使你彻底失败了，也没关系。

It doesn't matter if you fail horribly.

你这样做十次，失败十次，最终你会在这些时刻中变得从容，然后你的技能就能跟上并突破。

You do that 10 times and fail horribly 10 times, eventually, you're gonna get comfortable in those moments, and then your skills will be able to match and and break through.

但人们之所以无法突破，是因为他们来到这些时刻时选择了退缩。

But people don't break through because they come to those moments and they shy away.

我的意思是，我们都做过这种事。

I mean, this is, we've all done it.

我本人就做过太多次了。

I've done it way too many times.

今天在这件事上，你遇到什么困难吗？

What do you struggle with today in relation to that?

有什么吗？

Anything?

嗯，这和每个人都会遇到的困难一样。

Well, it's the same thing everyone struggles with.

当我面对那些时刻时，我会觉得现在太不舒服了，然后有时候我就忘了。

When I come to those moments, I'm like, I'm so uncomfortable right now, and then sometimes I've forgotten.

我曾经和我的灵性导师尼克·奥斯本谈过这个，他说，上帝给你的是一件大了两号的夹克，这就像一位慈爱的父母在你四五岁时的做法。

It's like I had this conversation with my spiritual mentor, Nick Osborne, and he said, what God does is he gives you a jacket that's two sizes too big, and that's what a loving parent does when you're four or five years old.

你不会给他们买一件刚刚合身的夹克，因为他们会很快长高穿不下。

You don't buy them a jacket that's perfectly fit because they're gonna grow out of it too fast.

是的。

Yeah.

所以父母会给他们买一件稍微大一点的夹克，对吧？这样他们就能慢慢长进去。

So then the parent's gonna buy them a jacket that's a little bit too big, right, so they can grow into it.

他说，这就是上帝的做法。

And he said that's what God does.

他给你一件太大的外套。

He gives you this jacket that's too big.

然后你穿上它，心想：哇哦。

And then you put it on, and you're like, woah.

这不太好。

This is not good.

这不对。

This is not right.

这感觉不对。

This doesn't feel right.

发生什么事了？

What's happening?

而我那时就感受到了很多这样的感觉。

And that's what I felt so much.

就像是，好吧。

It's like, okay.

这可不是什么‘好吧’。

This is not oh, okay.

发生什么事了？

What's happening?

我不明白。

I don't I don't get it.

这让我很不舒服。

This is uncomfortable.

但上帝是故意这样做的。

But God did that intentionally.

他故意这样做，因为自力更生是我面临的最大问题。

He's doing that intentionally because that's where you need to self reliance is the biggest problem that I face.

而且因为我几乎没有力量。

And because I've got very little power.

我几乎没有能力。

I've got very little ability.

我通过这个狭小的视角看世界，但我希望能看到全部的现实。

I've seen the world through this little lens that I wanna be able to see all of reality.

因此，为了做到这一点，我需要放弃我那微不足道的力量。

And so to do that, I need to surrender my little power.

这是部分……

Is part of

这种将失败重新定义为‘根本不存在失败’的做法吗？

this reframing failure into there's no such thing as failure?

它只是一种……不是最终判决。

It's just it's not a verdict.

它就像数据。

It's like data.

是的。

Yeah.

重新定义成功与失败，当然。

Redefining success and failure, for sure.

就像名人堂线卫布莱恩·厄拉彻告诉我那样，我问他：‘你和你职业生涯中所对阵过的最优秀球员之间有什么区别？’

Like the hall of fame linebacker, Brian Urlacher, told me that I asked him, what is the difference between you and the best performers that you've ever NFL that you've ever competed against?

他说，大多数NFL球员一旦犯错就会变得犹豫不决。

And he said, most NFL players, they make a mistake and they get tentative.

我犯了错，却不会变得犹豫。

I make a mistake and I don't get tentative.

这种勇气，这种敢于失败的意愿，这种坚持不懈的精神，正是所需要的。

And so that's that courage, that's that willingness to fail, that's that relentlessness that's needed.

所以这就是发生的事情。

So that's what happens.

我的意思是，人也是一样，比如你在工作中做了一场演讲，结果没发挥好，下次你再讲的时候就会一直想着这件事，从而更难取得成功。

I mean, happens with people too, like if you give a talk at work, and you know, it doesn't go quite right, it's in your head the next time you do it, so you're less likely to be successful in a way.

但与此相对的是，那我们该怎么做呢？

But the counterbalance to that would be, okay, well what do we do?

我们做更多的准备。

We do more preparation.

我们会回顾自己的错误，反思并从中学习，然后放下它，继续前进，以免再犯同样的错误。

We go through our mistake, we reflect on it, we learn from it, and then we sort of let go of it and move on, so we don't make the same mistake again.

是的。

Yeah.

所以失败显然是其中重要的一部分，其中一个原则或假设是：没有失败，只有反馈。

So failure, that's all obviously a big part of it, and there's one of the principles, the presupposition is there's no failure, only feedback.

情感层面才是问题所在。

The emotional part is the issue.

如果这件事没有情感上的牵扯，失败又有什么关系呢？

If there's no emotional aspect to it, what does it matter if you fail?

而情感层面的问题就是以自我为中心吗？

And the emotional part is the self centeredness?

以自我为中心时，我需要不断思考自己的生活，只是为了确保安全。

What happens with self centeredness is that I need to be thinking about my life in order to be, just to be safe.

过马路时我得左右看，还要给自己喂饭，做所有这些事情。

I gotta look both ways when I cross the street, and feed myself, and do all these things.

但问题是，当我想到自己时，我潜意识里那个旨在保护我的部分，就会提醒我所有潜在的危险和我的所有错误。

But the problem is when I think about myself, my subconscious, which is designed to protect me, reminds me of all the potential dangers and all my mistakes.

这种不适感让我产生两种想法：第一，我想对自己感觉更好一些，于是我会拿自己和别人比较。

And that discomfort causes me to think, one, I wanna feel better about myself, and so I would compare myself to others.

但总有人拥有更多更好的东西。

But then there's always someone that has more better things.

于是我就感到不安全。

And so then I feel insecure.

这进而导致了恐惧。

And so that leads towards fear.

这种对自我的思考会导向恐惧。

This thinking about myself leads towards fear.

你觉得现代社会在多大程度上操纵了这种比较？

How much do you think the modern world has really played with that comparison?

以前呢，我只是在想象。

It used to be like, I I'm just picturing.

你回到上世纪二十年代、三十年代。

You go back to, like, nineteen twenties, nineteen thirties.

那时候，你的比较参照基本上就是你所在的街道，也许是你所在的小镇。

It's like your your reference for comparison was basically, like, your street, maybe your town.

人们的生活大致处于相似的社会经济水平。

People lived reasonably within the same socioeconomic status.

乔治或贝丝可能买了辆新车，但总的来说，大家的处境都差不多。

George or Beth might have got a new car, but by and large, everybody's sort of in the same boat.

但现在我们生活在一个打开Instagram就能看到名人乘坐私人飞机的世界，你还记得史高治·麦克老鸭那个场景吗？

But now we live in a world where you flip open Instagram, and these celebrities who are flying on private jets or people like you remember the Scrooge McDuck thing?

他们泡在钱堆里，或者说说唱歌手在视频里烧钱。

They're swimming in their money or rappers burning money on videos.

这对我们有多大影响？

How much does that mess with us?

哦，这影响巨大。

Oh, it's huge.

这影响巨大。

It's huge.

是的。

Yeah.

现在真的非常非常困难。

It's very, very difficult now.

2024年的对比，你现在能看见全世界任何人的动态。

20 fourseven comparison, and you can see what anyone's doing all over the world now.

带来了过多的思绪和担忧，这就是它带来的后果。

Creates anxieties of mind with too many thoughts and too many concerns, and that's what it brings.

想法实在太多了。

It's just way too many thought.

如果你想长期精通任何事情，我们需要减少更多的思绪，甚至更少的呼吸。

If you wanna be good at anything for a long period of time, we need to have way less thoughts, and even way less breaths.

有一件事让我印象深刻，就是在读你的书之前，我曾思考过这个问题，我到现在还在消化，所以这次对话也是我思考的一部分，我当时想，哦，这真的有那么糟糕吗？

One of the things that stood out to me, you know, when thought about this before reading your book, and I'm still mulling this over, so this conversation is part of my processing, I was like, oh, I don't know if that's really bad.

在个人层面上，这可能是有害的。

On an individual level, it's probably bad.

这对心理健康不好，比如对谢恩或吉姆来说。

It's bad for mental health, you know, for Shane or for Jim.

但在社会层面上，它实际上带来了非常好的结果，因为它激励了吉姆或谢恩更加努力工作、更加进取、更具挑战性、更积极，去突破我们的极限。

But on a society level, it actually results in really good outcomes, because it motivates Jim, or it motivates Shane to work harder, to push more, to challenge more, to be more aggressive, to push our limits.

你是在说看到别人在做什么吗？

You're talking about seeing what everyone else is doing?

是的，这种全方位的连接，你知道，

That Yeah, whole connected well, you know,

我不愿用“嫉妒”这个词，因为我并不觉得这是嫉妒，而更像是希望自己能拥有更多，而比较正是这种渴望的一部分。

I wouldn't say envy, because I don't necessarily think it's envy, but like wanting more for yourself, and you know the comparison is part of wanting more.

就是觉得，别人有这个东西，而我也想要这个东西。

It's like, well, somebody has this thing, and, you know, I want this thing.

这并不是因为你个人想要这个东西。

It's not because you want this thing as an individual.

你甚至都不会去想它。

Like, you don't even think about it.

就像别人戴了一块劳力士，突然间你也想要一块劳力士。

It's like somebody's got a Rolex, and all of a sudden you want a Rolex.

其实并不是这样。

It's like, well, no.

你的手表只是用来看时间的，劳力士除了让你多花三四百美元之外，并不会给你带来其他任何好处。

Your watch tells time, and the Rolex isn't gonna do anything for you other than, you know, $30 or whatever it is.

劳力士，如果你在听的话，随便送我一块表我都收。

Rolex, if you're listening, I'll take any watch you wanna send me.

但我用的是布雷蒙特。

But I use a Bremont.

但这种心态，某种程度上推动了世界前进。

But, like, that drives the world forward in a way.

你明白我的意思吗？

Do you know what I mean?

也许我对这一点的理解是错的。

Like, maybe I'm wrong about this.

我觉得你说得非常好。

I think that's very well said.

它在很多方面推动了世界前进。

It drives the world forward in many ways.

但同时，技术也有其好处。

But also, so there's the benefit of technology.

有人在中国有了一个想法，我们立刻就能在美国看到。

Someone has an idea in China, and we can see it right away in America.

如今，提高生产力和效率、实现更多目标的能力要高得多。

The ability to be more productive and efficient and and achieve more is so much higher now.

所以这太棒了。

So that's amazing.

但这是有代价的。

But it comes at a cost.

但这个代价是非常巨大的。

But it comes at a huge cost.

这种代价是个人的，而好处主要是社会性的。

And the cost is individual, but the benefits are largely societal.

看看色情内容吧。

Well, look at pornography.

现在色情内容无处不在。

Now pornography is everywhere.

在互联网出现之前可不是这样。

It wasn't like before the Internet.

它并没有无处不在。

It wasn't everywhere.

你得从杂志里获取它。

You had to get it from a magazine.

由于技术的发展，这种负面事物现在已经渗透到了每一个角落。

This negative thing now has infiltrated every single place because of technology.

技术确实能提高生产力，但它也能迅速传播邪恶。

Technology can really help with productivity, but it can really spread evil fast.

它能够传播阴谋论、负面思想和虚假信息。

It can spread conspiracy theories and negative ideas and falsehoods.

是的。

Yeah.

我经常想到这一点，比如那些容易传播的东西，或者能引发情绪反应的事物，我们潜意识里会被编程去使用某些表达方式。

I think of that a lot, right, in terms of things that spread or things that cause emotional reactions, and we subconsciously get programmed to word things.

如果我们追求点赞、追求传播范围，或者把自我价值建立在这些之上，那么我们本质上就成为了算法的代理人，而且是无意识地成为。

If we're going for likes, if we're going for reach, or, you know, we take any sort of self worth in that, then we become we basically become an agent of the algorithm, if you will, and we end up unconsciously.

我认为对大多数人来说，这并不是有意识的行为。

I don't think it's conscious for most people.

有些人可能是有意识的，但我认为大多数人并不怀有恶意。

Some people, it probably is because I don't think most people are malicious.

但我们助长了这种现象。

But we feed into that.

我们让事情变得比实际更具有挑衅性，或者传播那些我们知道可能不真实、但知道会引起人们反应的内容。

We make things more provocative than they should be, or we disseminate things that we know are probably not true, but we know it'll get a reaction from people.

另一件发生的事是，现在地下室里的14岁少年拥有了和哈佛教授一样的平台。

Well, another thing that happened is that now the 14 year old teenager in their basement has the same platform as the Harvard professor.

现在每个人都平等了，你真的无法分辨。

Now everyone is equal, you can't really tell.

过去，你知道，你……

In the past, it used to be, you know, you

以前是有把关人的。

There were go gatekeepers.

没错。

Yeah.

然后你会去寻找那些研究某个领域多年的人，看看他们是怎么想的。

And then there was this you would look to people that had studied a subject for years to find out what do they think about it.

但现在，这种情况在很大程度上减弱了。

But now, that's largely diminished.

现在每个人都平等了。

Now everyone is even.

我想

I guess

但对此的反驳是，这个14岁的孩子现在可以接触到全世界的信息，并能利用这些信息做以前从未有机会做到的事情。

the pushback on that though is now that 14 year old has access to all the world's information, and can do with that something that they never would have been empowered to do before.

如果他们有一个好点子，那么他们的影响力将远超以往。

And if they have a great idea, then they have more reach than they ever would have had before.

他们不需要向任何人请示许可，因此你面临这种双重性——既有负面，也有正面。

Nobody that they have to ask permission, and so you have this dual, this negative thing, and also this positive thing.

这就像火。

It's like fire.

非常强大。

Very powerful.

是的， definitely。

Yeah, definitely.

你会怎么跟孩子谈论心理韧性呢？

How would you talk to kids about mental toughness?

我跟我的孩子们聊过要采访你，他们其中一个问题是：他会怎样对一群12到14岁的孩子谈如何培养心理韧性？

I was talking to my kids about interviewing you, and one of their questions was like, what would he say to a group of 12 to 14 year olds about developing mental toughness?

我们该如何去做呢？

How can we go about doing that?

因为你知道，我们现在都被宠坏了。

Because you know, we're so coddled.

你知道吗，我想起西蒙·塞尼格曾经说过，如果你是个小提琴手，想完美地演奏小提琴，而且要参加一场音乐会，那肯定会非常紧张，因为你可能会出错。

You know, I think about what Simon Sennig said once, that if you're a violinist, and you're trying to play the violin perfectly, and you have this concert, it's gonna be very stressful, because you could make a mistake.

但如果你告诉自己：我热爱演奏小提琴，我要把这份热爱分享给观众，那你就有机会举办一场精彩的音乐会。

But if you think to yourself, I love playing the violin, I'm gonna share what I love with the audience, then you've got a chance to have a great concert.

所以，这些12到14岁的孩子成长在一个极度痴迷于交易、成功和粉丝的文化中。

And so the 12 to 14 year old has grown up in a culture that is obsessed with transactions, success, followers.

他们成长于一种非常表面化、交易性的文化中。

And so it's a very surface level transactional culture that they've grown up in.

因此，帮助他们理解牺牲、爱与建立关系，是实现成功并同时培养心理韧性的最关键方式。

And so to help them understand about sacrifice and love and creating relationships is the most powerful way that you can be successful, and have mental toughness at the same time is is crucial.

如果我是一名运动员，我来找你，或者我像谢恩一样来找你，那第一次对话会是什么样子？

What's the process if I'm an athlete, I come to you, or I come to you and I'm Shane, like, what's that first conversation?

吉姆，你知道，我虽然很成功，但总觉得哪里不对劲。

Like, Jim, you know, I've been successful, but something doesn't feel right.

这种成功感觉无法持续。

It doesn't feel sustainable.

那第一次对话大概会是什么样的？

What does that first conversation sort of look like?

我想知道你真正想要的是什么。

I wanna know what you really want.

你为什么来找我？

Like, why why did you contact me?

除了成为世界第一之类的，你真正想要的是什么？

What is it that you really want besides being world number one or whatever it is?

我想知道你希望在生活中感受到什么，以及不希望感受到什么。

I wanna know how you wanna feel in your life, and how you don't wanna feel.

如果我们合作，我会帮助你学习原则和工具，培养思维和行动的习惯，从而更频繁地获得那种感觉。

If we work together, I'm gonna help you learn principles and tools, and develop habits of thought and action, and how to get that feeling more often.

什么能增加这种感觉，什么会削弱它。

What adds to it, what takes away from it.

稍微谈谈你的生活吧。

Talk about your life for a second.

你希望在生活中感受到什么？

How do you want to feel in your life?

如果我们只用几个形容词来描述，比如。

If we just had a couple adjectives, for example.

充实。

Fulfilled.

好的。

Okay.

有所贡献。

Contributing.

那对于头脑或身体呢？

And what about the mind or body?

你希望头脑和身体处于什么状态？比如，你喜欢杂乱、压力、紧张，还是其他感觉？

What does that, like do you like clutter up there, or stress, or tightness, or what do you like the mind and body to feel?

我不知道，我好像从来没认真想过这个问题，对吧？

I don't know, I don't think I've ever really thought about that, right?

你知道吗，我想想要什么？

And you know, I think what do I want?

我想要平静，我想要好状态。

I want peace, I want Okay.

我想要有动力，我觉得我应该更多地被纯净的燃料驱动，但回头想想，肮脏的燃料确实非常有效。

I want to be driven, think I want to be driven more by clean fuel, and yet, just tying that back, it's like the dirty fuel's been very effective.

是的，这一点非常关键，就是那句话：‘脏燃料非常有效。’

Yeah, and so that's such a crucial thing to understand, is that quote right there, the dirty fuel has been very effective.

恐惧可以成就很多事，愤怒也是如此。

Fear can accomplish a lot, so can anger.

它们真的能驱使人们前进。

That can really drive people.

但长期的影响却是很多人并不想要的。

But the long term effect is something that a lot of people don't want.

例如，失去内心的平静与喜悦。

For example, losing inner peace and joy.

我从不告诉人们该做什么，我尽量避免告诉别人该怎么做，我只是想帮助他们厘清自己最想要的是什么，这是一个很好的例子：那些非常有才华的人，往往会陷入我所说的‘竞争者陷阱’，就是我会更加努力，因为每当我取得成就时，我都能从孩子、家人、同事、甚至全世界那里获得爱和认可，他们会说：‘干得漂亮！’，我听到掌声。

I don't tell people what to do, I try never to tell people what to do, I just want to help them clarify what they want most, and this is a good example, people that are very talented, they get caught up in what I call this competitor's trap, it's just, I'm gonna be more productive, because every time I achieve something, I'm getting that sort of love from, like, my kids are excited, my family, my coworkers, the world, they're like, oh great job, I get the cheers.

而这个陷阱就在于，我们无法更深入地思考自己的人生。

And that's the trap, is that we aren't able to think deeper about our lives.

比如，在我的摇椅上，或在临终时，什么才是最重要的事情？

Like, on my rocking chair, or on my deathbed, what's gonna be the most important thing?

很多父母都陷入了一种错觉，认为只要为孩子提供资源就够了，比如一栋好房子、去欧洲旅行之类的，让他们能随心所欲地生活。

And what happens to a lot of parents is they got caught up in the illusion that I just want to provide resources for my kids, like a nice house, and trips to Europe, or whatever it is, so they can do whatever they want with their life.

这是一种非常普遍的结局。

That's a very common end.

那你真正希望他们拥有什么呢？

Like, what do you really want for them?

我只是希望他们能做自己想做的事。

Well, I just want them to do whatever they want.

只希望他们快乐。

Just want them to be happy.

当父母这样告诉我时，我会说：好吧，如果你希望他们快乐，我可以设计一个项目。

And so when the parent tells me that, I say, well, if you want them to be happy, I could set up a program.

这有点昂贵，但每个周五凌晨三点，我都会给你孩子打个电话，给他讲个笑话。

It's kind of expensive, but every Friday, I'll call your kid and tell him a joke at 03:00.

这真的是你最希望他们拥有的吗？

Is that what you want most of them?

每周一次小小的笑声？

A little laugh once a week?

不，当然你想要更深刻的东西。

No, of course you want something much deeper.

对吧？

Right?

所以我告诉父母，如果你希望你的孩子过上充满精彩体验、深厚充实的人际关系，以及学习成长、为世界带来改变的生活，那么最重要的是你自己要活出这样的生活。而要活出这样的生活，我们就需要完成一系列事情。

And so what I tell parents is that if you want your kids to say you want your kids to live a life with amazing experiences, and deep enriching relationships, or learning and growing and making a difference in the world, something like that, well the number one thing is for you to live that, and for you to live that, now we've got a whole bunch of things that need to happen.

我们需要明确你的人生目标。

We need to clarify your life purpose.

你只有清除掉那些不属于你的东西，才能真正明确并践行你的人生目标。

The only way you're going to clarify your life purpose and live that purpose is we need to get rid of what's not you.

所以我们必须简化生活，聚焦于那一句话、那一个生命目标，剔除所有不属于你的部分，你所做的一切都将朝着这个目标前进。

So we've to simplify your life, and down to that one sentence, that one purpose for your life, get rid of what's not you, and everything that you do is going to move towards that.

在思考人生目标时，我们首先会问：你希望在生活中感受到什么？你最重视什么？你最珍视谁？你想成为什么样的人？

In that life purpose, the way we think about it is, we start with how do you want to feel in your life, what do you value most, who do you value most, who do you want to become like.

对我来说，我认为现在很多人，尤其是青少年，他们的榜样是那些取得最多交易性成功的人。

For me, and I think for many many people now, especially teenagers, the role models are the people that have the most transactional success.

打出最多的本垒打，拥有最多的粉丝，赚最多的钱，诸如此类。

Hit the most home runs, got the most followers, make the most money, that sort of thing.

但显然，这个问题在于，真正的成功如果你拥有所有这些外在的成功，但内心却充满焦虑和压力，这算不上真正的成功，对吧？

But obviously the problem with that is that real success, if you have all that outward success but your inside is filled with anxiety and stress, it's not super successful, is it?

通过这个播客，以及在生活中，我有幸遇到许多别人眼中的杰出人物或取得非凡成就的人，从金钱标准来看确实如此，但其中很多人并不快乐，或者说是不够满足。但我常常想象，如果他们感到满足，或许就不会那么有动力，世界可能也不会因此向前推进得这么快。

I've met, you know, through this podcast, and just through life, I've been fortunate in a lot of ways to meet what other people would consider exceptional people, or exceptional results, and by any monetary standard it's true, but there's a lot of them that aren't just happy, or content I guess is the But I often imagine, well if they were content, maybe they wouldn't be as driven, and maybe the world wouldn't sort of push forward as This

这非常好，我经常听到这种说法，真是个很棒的想法，谢谢。

is a great, I hear this a lot, this is a really great idea, thank you.

如果我感到满足，我就可能会失去我的生产力。

If I'm content, I'm gonna lose out on my, say, productivity.

我不会那么有动力了。

I'm not gonna be as motivated.

所以我跟职业运动员分享的是：你告诉我，如果我们拿走你的焦虑——抱歉，我不太喜欢说某人的个人焦虑——拿走你内心的焦虑感，你说你现在有这么多天赋，但没有了焦虑，你就会躺在沙发上什么都不做，我不认为会发生这种情况。

And so what I've shared with that with pro athletes is that, so what you're telling me is that if we take away your anxiety, the anxiety that you have, sorry, I don't like to say someone's personal anxiety, take away the anxious feelings that you've had, you say that now you've got all this talent, and without the anxious feelings, you're just gonna sit on the couch and not do anything, I don't think that's gonna happen.

但另一方面，是对幸福和成就的痴迷。

But the other part of it is this obsession with happiness and achievement.

假设你赢得了23枚奥运金牌，或者成为亿万富翁，那又有什么意义呢？

So say you win 23 Olympic gold medals, or you become a billionaire, what's the good?

如果你赢得了23枚奥运金牌，那你多年来每天都做到了这一点。

If you won 23 Olympic gold medals, you've done that every day for years.

所以，好处一定在于过程，我想是这样的。

So the good must be the process, I would assume for that.

至于亿万富翁，我不知道，你可以用这笔钱为世界做很多事。

The billionaire, I don't know, you can do a lot with that money for the world.

所以，如果我们来看这23枚金牌，说得非常明智：关注过程，而不是结果。

So if we look at the 23 gold medals, it's very wisely said, focus on the process, not the result.

不，这正是内在卓越的含义。

No, that's what inner excellence is.

这个过程究竟是什么？我们真正想要的又是什么？

What is that process, and what is it that we really want?

我们究竟想用它来做什么？

What are we trying to do with it?

对我来说，这是关于自我成长的过程，去以爱而非恐惧的方式生活。

For me, it's the process of developing yourself to have, to walk in love, not fear.

追求智慧，高于一切。

To pursue wisdom above all else.

拥有更多的勇气。

To have more courage.

这并不是关于赚钱。

It's not about making money.

赚十亿美元对你来说是好事吗？

Is making a billion dollars good for you?

这可能是对你最糟糕的事情。

It may be the worst thing for you.

因为我认为，这一点已有充分记录：当人们获得更多金钱时，他们会变得更加真实的自己。

Because what happens, I think it's pretty well documented, that when people get more money, that they become more of who they were.

如果你以自我为中心，你会变得更加自我中心。

If you were self centered, you're gonna become more self centered.

因为金钱很有力量。

Because money is powerful.

我认为这也会改变你，你知道的，认识很多极其富有的人。

I think it also changes you, you know, knowing a lot of incredibly wealthy people.

我注意到一个非常有趣的现象是，他们的社交圈变得越来越小。

One thing that I notice that's really interesting is their social circles get smaller and smaller and smaller.

我认为部分原因是，人们开始向你寻求帮助，于是你几乎产生了一种不信任的种子。

And I think in part, like, people start asking you for things, and then you create this sort of, like, seed of distrust almost.

但起初可能都是一些平常的事，比如你和我会请你帮个忙，嘿，我哥哥在找工作，你有门路吗？

But they might start out normal things, like you and I would ask you for a favor, hey, my brother's looking for a job or something, do you have anything?

但当你面对富人时，情况就变成了：天啊，每个人都想从我这里得到些什么，我生活中竟然没有一个人是不图回报、单纯接受真实的我的。

But when you do that with people who are wealthy, it's sort of like, oh god, everybody just wants something from me, and there's nobody in my life who just doesn't want something from me, or accepts me for who I am as a person.

你

You

你知道吗，我见过这种情况。

know, I've seen that.

我给你讲个昨天发生的有趣故事。

I'd tell you a funny story about yesterday.

我开车跟在一辆车后面，车上写着‘保持50英尺距离’。

I'm driving behind this vehicle, and it said stay 50 feet back.

那是一辆矫正设施的车辆，我猜里面有时载着囚犯。

It was a correctional facility vehicle, guess, so I'm assuming that there's inmates in the vehicle sometimes.

我猜这样做的目的是为了让你远离这些罪犯，保护你的安全。

I'm guessing that it's to keep you safe from these criminals.

这只是我的猜测。

That's my guess.

我一直在想，是啊，这正是社会的现状。

I was thinking about that, I was like, yeah, that's how society is.

就好像我们有坏人，必须把他们和我们这些好人隔离开来。

It's like, we've got the bad people, we've got to keep them away from us good people.

我想到，这简直与相互卓越相反，而我一生所追求的，正是去陪伴那些最需要帮助的人。

And I thought, well that's kind of like the opposite of inter excellence, and what I'm trying to do with my life is, I want to go be with people that need it the most.

还有谁比罪犯更需要帮助呢？

And who needs it more than a criminal?

这才是真正改变世界的方式，才是过上最有意义、最充实生活的方法——去影响那些最需要帮助的人。

That's how you make a difference in the world, that's how you live the most meaningful, fulfilling life, is you make a difference in the lives of people who need it the most.

我不是说我自己最需要，我比任何人都更需要，但我分享我所学到的，努力去帮助其他同样需要的人。

I'm not saying that I need it, I need it more than anybody, but I share what I'm learning, and try and serve others who also need it.

是的，我很感激这一点。

Yeah, I appreciate that.

我的意思是，公开分享一切，程度各有不同。

I mean, share everything too publicly, to varying degrees.

我想谈一谈内疚感。

I wanna talk about guilt for a second.

回到我自己身上，我认为这适用于很多人，所以我以自己为例，但我觉得这对数以十万计的听众都有意义——我把孩子和工作放在首位。

Know, coming back to me, and I think this applies to many people, so I'll use myself as an example, but I think it's relevant to the hundreds of thousands of people listening to this, which is I prioritize my kids and work.

这没留下多少时间给其他事情。

That doesn't leave a lot of time for other things.

这是一种选择，有意识的选择。

And that's a choice, a conscious choice.

我认为，总的来说，我对这个选择是接受的。

And I'm okay, I think, by and large with that choice.

我告诉自己，我的内心独白是：等孩子们搬出去后，我随时都可以再追求雄心壮志。

I tell myself anyway, my inner monologue is like I can always be ambitious later after the kids move out sort of thing.

但当我拒绝某些事情，或别人邀请我时，就会产生很多内疚感。

But it causes a lot of guilt when I say no to things, or when people invite me to things.

如果我去的话，我会告诉自己应该去，而不是因为我想去。

And if I do go, I'm going to say I should go, not because I want to go.

所以你说孩子和工作是你主要的优先事项。

So you said the kids and work is kind of your priorities.

我们之前稍微谈过这个，这是一个很难的问题，有时我问的问题会有点难，但你最希望孩子拥有什么？

We talked about this a little before, it's a hard question, and sometimes the questions I ask are a little bit hard, but what do you want most for your kids?

独立，成为对社会有贡献的成员。

Independence, contributing members of society.

我不相信追求幸福。

I don't believe in the pursuit of happiness.

我认为，他们需要为自己找到属于自己的道路。

I think, you know, they need to find their own path for themselves.

作为父母，只要我有影响力——而且我认为在某些时候，我们的影响力并没有我们想象的那么大——我希望他们能成为对社会有贡献的成员，无论这对他们来说意味着什么。

To the extent that I have influence as a parent, and I don't think we have as much influence at some points as we think we do, I want them to be contributing members of society, however that looks for them.

但那通常是一个积极的结果。

But that is generally a positive outcome.

好的，比如他们成为会计师，按时缴税，能够独立生存并做出贡献。

Okay, so say for example, they become an accountant, pay their taxes, and they're able to survive on their own, independent, contribute.

那是对他们最高的期望吗？

Is that the highest aspiration for them?

不是最高的，但那至少是底线，你知道的。

Not the highest, but I mean, that's like the floor, you know.

那会是

What would that

对他们来说最重要的吗？

the most for them?

我只希望他们对生活感到满足，无论这对他们来说意味着什么。

I want them to just be content with life, whatever that means for them.

因为我要怎么强迫他们接受我所理解的幸福呢？

Because how am I gonna push on them my version of, like, what happiness looks like?

我不这么看待这个问题。

Like, that's not I don't think about it that way.

我问你这个问题，是因为你提到了内疚。

I asked you this question because you mentioned guilt.

这种内疚不是来自育儿本身。

The guilt is not from the parenting.

这种内疚来自于社交活动、聚会或生日派对。

The guilt is social functions, or events, or birthday parties.

我认为你所说的意思是，你为家庭付出了很多努力，希望给他们最好的。

What I think what you're saying is that you work really hard to provide for your family, and you want the best for them.

而当你这样做的时候，不得不拒绝很多事情，这有时会让你感到内疚。

And sometimes you feel guilty because when you do that, you have to say no to a lot of things.

所以这带来了一些内疚感。

So that causes some guilt.

我理解得对吗？

Did I get that right?

是的。

Yeah.

你知道吗，在照顾两个孩子、工作一整天之后，有时候我真的没有精力再去照顾别人了。

You know, at the end of a day of taking care of two kids, and working a long day, sometimes I just don't have no energy to give to other people.

对，对，这很合理。

Right, right, that makes sense.

这是一件非常非常普遍的事情。

This is a very very common thing.

我之前稍微提过一点，为了给孩子提供生活保障而长时间工作。

I alluded to it a little bit earlier, that working really long hours to provide for your kids.

我认为人们往往会认为，我能为孩子做的最好的事就是给他们提供资源、陪伴他们，并给他们自由去追求自己想要的一切。

And I think what happens to people is that they, in their mind, is the best thing I can do for my kids is provide them resources, spend time with them, and then give them the chance to do whatever they want.

我觉得这很棒，但这标准实在太低了。

And I think that's amazing, but it's a very low bar.

我认为存在一个更高、也更有力的标准。

I think there's a much higher bar that would be even more powerful.

那就是教导他以爱而非恐惧去生活。

And that would be to teach him how to walk in love, not fear.

教导他追求智慧，胜过一切。

Teach him how to seek wisdom above all else.

将智慧定义为一种开阔的视野，能清晰地看见美、联系与可能性。

Define wisdom as an expansive vision that has unobscured views of beauty, and connections, and possibilities.

更深层次地说，要认识神是谁，从而明白你是谁，他在世上正在做什么，以及你如何参与其中。

And even on a deeper level, to know who God is, and therefore who you are, what he's doing in the world, and how you can join in.

所以智慧与知识非常不同。

So wisdom is very different than knowledge.

对我来说，知识是关于如何拆解割草机，或者这个扬声器是如何工作的。

To me, knowledge is how to take apart a lawnmower, or how this speaker works.

这很好，但它是暂时的。

It's great, but it's temporary.

它不是永恒的。

It's not eternal.

而智慧是那些会永远持续的东西。

Whereas wisdom is things that are gonna last forever.

因此，智慧是对生活更深层次的洞察，我认为父母能做的最好的事，就是帮助孩子学习智慧、勇气以及类似的东西。

And so it's just a deeper look into life, and I think that's the best thing a parent can do, is help them learn wisdom, and courage, and things like that.

远胜于那种低标准，即我不希望感觉自己在捡起

Much more so than the low bar, which is, I don't wanna feel like I'm picking up

哦，不，不，请别这样。

Oh, no, no, please do.

因为我不想让你觉得你在捡东西。

Because I want to I won't feel like you're picking up.

我们这是在数十万人面前进行，所以呃，这一切都

We're just doing this in front of hundreds of thousands of people, so Well it's all

我的目标是尽可能地爱你，以及所有在听的人，而真正重要的是，我们如何与孩子分享最美好的生活？

my goal is to love you as best as I can, everyone that's listening, And it's really, how can we share the best possible life with our kids?

你想要的，就是这个，对吧？

That's what you want, right?

在我看来，最美好的生活包含一些非常重要的东西，比如明白，最美好的生活一只脚在喜悦中，另一只脚在苦难中。

And to me that best possible life has very important things in it, like understanding that the best possible life has one foot in joy and one foot in suffering.

再深入一点。

Go deeper

这一点很难，因为父母总是希望孩子快乐。

on that.

父母都希望孩子快乐。

It's a hard thing for parents, because parents are like, I just want my kids to be happy.