让他们去：如何重获内心的平静与力量

嘿，我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。今天，我们要聊聊四件你不必负责的事情。因为你知道什么最令人疲惫吗？就是过着好像要对身边所有人和所有事都负责的生活。

Hey. It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, you and I are talking about four things you're not responsible for. Because you know what's exhausting? Living your life as if you're the one who's responsible for everything and everyone around you.

你明白我在说什么。总是要管理别人的情绪、小心翼翼地回避问题以避免他人反应、不得不过度解释自己、永远把自己放在最后——这样过日子并不有趣。你能感受到吧？那种胸口的紧绷感？当所有人都排在你前面时，那种悄然滋生的怨恨？

You know what I'm talking about. It's not fun to go through life always managing someone else's feelings or tiptoeing around issues to avoid reactions or having to overexplain yourself, putting yourself last all the time. You feel it, don't you? That tightening in your chest? The quiet resentment that starts to build when everybody else comes first?

那种感觉仿佛你的人生属于所有人，唯独不属于你自己？作为你的朋友，我要告诉你：我认为你把关心他人和背负他们的重担混淆了，这正在偷走你的快乐、平静和自由。有四件事本不该由你负责，你却一直活得好像必须负责。今天，你将学会如何解放自己。

The sense that your life belongs to everyone but you? You know, as your friend, I'm gonna tell you something. I think you've confused caring about people with carrying their burden, and it's stealing your happiness, your peace, your freedom. There are four things that you're not responsible for, but you've somehow lived your life as if you are. Today, you're gonna learn how to set yourself free.

从试图管理身边所有人和事的疲惫循环中解放出来。从这四件你从一开始就不该负责的事情中解脱。你将学会在这四个领域收回自己的力量，创造一个把自己放在首位的人生——你的梦想、你的目标、你的幸福。因为当你终于停止为那些本就不该你负责的事情承担责任时，让我告诉你：你的人生会变得好得多。

Free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you. Free from these four things that you were never responsible for managing in the first place. You're going to learn how to take your power back in these four areas and create a life where you come first, your dreams, your goals, your happiness. Because when you finally stop assuming responsibility for things that were never yours to manage in the first place, let me tell you something. Your life is gonna get so much better.

嘿，我是你的朋友梅尔，欢迎收听梅尔·罗宾斯播客。能与你相聚共度时光总是如此荣幸。如果你是第一次收听，或是别人分享这一集给你的，首先我想亲自欢迎你加入梅尔·罗宾斯播客大家庭。我不仅很高兴你在这里，更激动的是你选择了一期超级精彩的内容来收听。

Hey. It's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. It is always such an honor to be together and to get to spend time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, first of all, I just want to take a moment personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. And boy, oh, boy, I'm not only glad you're here, but I'm thrilled because you have picked a winner of an episode to listen to.

因为今天，我们要聊聊四件你不必负责的事情。我热爱这个话题，因为它将赋予你力量和自由，让你重获自己的人生。我已经迫不及待要开始了。事实上，我们现在就从第一点开始吧。

Because today, you and I are talking about four things that you're not responsible for. And I love this topic because it's going to give you power and freedom. It's going to give you your life back. And so, can't wait to jump in. In fact, let's just start with number one right now.

人生中第一件你不必负责的事：你不必为他人的幸福负责。让他们不开心吧。让他们失望吧。现在让我解释为什么这如此重要。你不断试图让别人开心的努力，正在让你自己痛苦不堪。

The first thing you're not responsible for in life, you're not responsible for other people's happiness. Let them be unhappy. Let them be disappointed. Now, let me explain why this is so important. Your attempt to constantly try to make other people happy, it's making you miserable.

看，生活中有一件事你永远无法控制，那就是别人。别人的行为、言语、信念、期望，他们是否快乐或满足。我有研究可以证明：你越是把他人的快乐当作自己的责任，你的感受就会越糟糕。别自责，我们都会这样做。

See, in life, there's one thing that you will never be able to control ever, and that's other people. What other people do, what they say, what they believe, what they expect, whether or not they're happy or satisfied. And I have the research to prove to you that the more you make it your responsibility to be sure that everybody around you is happy, the worse you're gonna feel. Now, don't beat yourself up. We all do this in life.

我也是。我就是这样才明白这个道理的。我总是用艰难的方式生活，后来才发现，原来有更轻松的生活方式。我不需要为别人的感受和快乐负责。让他们不快乐去吧。

Me too. I mean, that's how I learned about this. I do life the hard way and then I realized, wow, there's an easier way to live your life. I don't have to be responsible for everybody else's feelings and their happiness. Let them be unhappy.

让我专注于做让自己快乐的事。很多时候，我们在不知不觉中承担了责任，试图控制事物。今天我要详细解释这一点的重要性：除非你学会让别人不快乐，学会让他们失望，否则你永远不会优先考虑自己的幸福。因为如果他们的快乐总是优先于你的，你就永远没有时间和精力让自己快乐或做出更好的决定，因为你一直专注于他们。

Let me focus on doing things that make me happy. And oftentimes, we take on responsibility for things. We try to control things without even realizing it. One of the reasons why this is so important, and I'm gonna unpack this today, is because you will never ever prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy, until you learn how to let them be disappointed. Because if their happiness always comes before yours, you never have time and energy to make yourself happy or to make better decisions because you're focused on them.

今天，我们要改变这一点。你将学会让他们不快乐。然后我们将学习如何做出让你快乐的决定。最神奇的是，研究证明当你这样做时，你会锚定于能让你快乐的事物并真正选择它，幸福就会在你整个生活中变得更具传染性。你会爱上这种感觉的。

Today, we're gonna change that. You're going to learn to let them be unhappy. And then we're going to learn how to make decisions that make you happy. And the amazing thing about all of this is the research proves that when you do that, you anchor down into what's going to make you happy and you truly choose it, happiness becomes more contagious throughout your whole life. You're gonna love this.

我想给你们读一段《让他们理论》书中的内容。但在打开这本书之前，我能花点时间感谢你们吗？不仅是对'让他们理论'本身，还有对这本书的全球反响都让我震惊不已。事实上，自从六个月前推出这本书以来，我还没有做过关于'让他们理论'细微之处的深度节目。

And I wanna read to you from the Let Them Theory book. But before I crack that book open, can I just take a second and thank you? I am so blown away by the global reception of not only the Let Them Theory itself, but the book. I'm floored. In fact, I have not done an in-depth episode about the nuances of the Let Them Theory since I launched the book six months ago.

这本书在短短六个月内，正在被翻译成63种语言。六个月来，它已经售出超过600万册，而且还在不断增加。这太疯狂了。我们刚刚得知，今年过半时，《让他们理论》是目前全球所有书籍中销量第一的畅销书。所有书籍中。

This book, in just six months, is being translated into 63 languages. In six months, it has sold over 6,000,000 copies and counting. That's bananas. We just learned that halfway through this year, the Let Them Theory is the single best selling book on the planet of all books right now. All books.

太不可思议了。我无法相信一本帮助你们掌控自己生活的书竟然超越了小说。我喜欢小说，因为它帮助我逃离现实。但我很高兴你们正在拥抱这样一本书，它教你们如何面对生活，如何停止为不属于自己责任的事情负责，如何停止控制无法控制的事物，如何获得更多平静和力量。

Fantasy. I can't believe that a book that is helping you take control of your life is beating fiction. I love fiction. I love fiction because it helps me escape my life. But I love that you are embracing a book that is teaching you how to turn into your life and how to stop taking responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility, how to stop controlling things that you can't control, and how to have more peace and how to have more power.

所以，谢谢你们。感谢你们信任我。感谢你们对'让他们理论'感兴趣。感谢你们阅读并保持阅读的兴趣。也感谢你们将这本书推荐给其他人。

And so, thank you. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for being interested in Let Them Theory. Thank you for reading it and being interested in reading. And thank you for giving this book and recommending it to other people.

这就是为什么这个理论能如此迅速传播的原因。因为这个理论确实有效，当你运用它时，你会感觉更好。我对此感到非常欣慰。所以，谢谢你们。谢谢。

That's the reason why this has exploded like this. It's because the theory works and when you use it, you feel better. And I love that. So, thank you. Thank you.

谢谢。好了，让我们继续。我们正在讨论你不负责的第一件事，那就是你不负责他人的幸福。你可以用不同的方式生活。

Thank you. Alrighty. Let's jump back into it. We're talking about the first thing you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible for other people's happiness. You can live your life in a different way.

与其承担这个负担，其实有另一种处事方式。让我给你们读一下《让他们理论》第17页的内容。这是第一章：停止在你无法控制的事情上浪费生命。如果你正在努力改变生活、实现目标，或者只是想更快乐，我希望你能听到这句话。

Instead of taking on this burden, there's a different way to do things. Let me read to you from page 17 of the Let Them Theory. This is chapter one. Stop wasting your life on things you can't control. If you're struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or just feel happier, I want you to hear this.

问题不在于你。问题在于你无意中赋予他人的权力。我们都会这样做，通常自己都没有意识到。你错误地认为，如果你说了正确的话，每个人都会满意。如果你竭尽全力，也许你的伴侣就不会失望。

The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people. We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied. If you bend over backwards, maybe your partner won't be disappointed.

如果你足够友好，也许同事会更喜欢你。如果你维持和平，也许家人就不会再评判你的选择。要知道这一点，因为我亲身经历过。我花了多年时间试图成为所有人的一切，认为只要我做得足够多，说对话，让每个人都开心，我最终会对自己感到满意。但结果呢？

If you're friendly enough, maybe your coworkers will like you more. If you keep the peace, maybe your family will stop judging your choices. Now, know this because I've lived it. I've spent years trying to be everything for everyone else, thinking that if I could just do enough, say the right things, keep everyone happy, I'd finally feel good about myself. But what happens instead?

哦，结果反而是你更努力地工作，更委屈求全，更缩小自己，然而，然而，哦，仍然有人失望，仍然有人批评，你仍然觉得无论多么努力，永远都不够。好吧，今天我要告诉你，不必如此。关于试图让别人快乐以及你如何承担让周围每个人都快乐的责任，这一点会以非常隐蔽的方式表现出来。所以，我想给你们一些例子，说明这种情况是如何发生的，而你甚至可能没有意识到。

Oh, instead, you work harder, you bend further, you shrink yourself smaller, and still, still, oh, still someone's disappointed, still someone criticizes, still you're left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough. Well, today, I'm here to tell you, it doesn't have to be this way. And here's the thing about trying to make other people happy and how you assume responsibility for everyone around you being happy. This shows up in really sneaky ways. So, I want to give you some examples of how this can play out and you might not even realize it.

所以，当我们准备录制这期节目时，团队内部进行了讨论，其中一位制片人提到他们认识一个人，因为担心自己的订婚照片会让一位刚经历分手的朋友感到难过，而迟迟不敢在社交媒体上发布。我是说，这难道不是很疯狂吗？这就是一个为他人幸福承担责任的例子。你因为害怕让别人伤心就不在网上发照片？虽然能理解，但我们这样做确实有点疯狂。

So, as we were getting ready to do this episode, we were all talking as a team and one of the producers on the team said that they know somebody who held back from posting their engagement photo on social media because they were worried that their photo would trigger another friend who was sad about a breakup. I mean, isn't that kind of crazy? That's an example of assuming responsibility for somebody else being happy. You don't post a photo online because you're afraid it's gonna make somebody else sad? It's relatable, but it's also kind of crazy that we do this.

再比如这个？给某人发短信前写了五个版本，就因为担心语气太严厉——你认真的吗？或者这个？安排家庭聚餐像联合国和平峰会一样，重新调整座位以免有人吵架，确保没人对座位不满意？或者为拒绝别人而道歉？

Or how about this one? Writing five versions of a text to somebody before you hit send because you're worried about it sounding too harsh and you're, seriously? Or how about this one? Staging family dinners like it's a UN peace summit, rearranging seats so nobody fights this time and nobody is unhappy about where they're sitting? Or how about apologizing for saying no?

即使拒绝是合理的——顺便说一句，‘不’本身就是一个完整的句子——为什么你还要为拒绝道歉？哦，我知道为什么。因为你在承担这样的责任：确保对方能接受你的拒绝，不会因此难过或失望。现在你甚至要为他们的快乐负责，尽管你确实需要拒绝。或者明明经历艰难时期却假装没事，因为不想谈论它，担心一说出来就会破坏气氛，让大家的情绪低落。

Even when no is reasonable, and by the way, no is a complete sentence, why do you have to apologize for the fact that you're saying no? Oh, I know why. Because you're taking on the responsibility that the person is okay with you saying no and that they're not upset or disappointed because now you're responsible for them being happy even though you need to say no. Or how about pretending you're fine even though you're going through a really tough time, but you don't want to talk about it because you think if you talk about what's going on, you're going to kill the vibe. You're going to bring down the mood.

你觉得其他人都值得开心，唯独你自己不重要，所以你要为这一切负责。或者也许你在家里如履薄冰，避免伴侣在工作压力后情绪爆发。现在他们工作上的压力日居然成了你的责任，要确保你不会让情况更糟。或者你让朋友无休止地倾诉他们的问题、分手经历或母亲的事，从不划清界限保护自己的快乐，从不说：‘你知道，这太多了，我现在真的听不下去了。’

And everybody else deserves to be happy, you, so you're going take responsibility for that. Or maybe you walk on eggshells at home to avoid your partner's rotten mood after a stressful day at work. So now their stressful day at work is somehow your responsibility to make sure that you don't make it worse. Or maybe you let a friend just vent endlessly about their issues or their breakup or their mother, and you never draw a line and protect your own happiness and say, you know, this is a lot. And I just really can't handle listening to any more of this right now.

或者它看起来是这样的。这是我长期以来与丈夫相处的方式。你不断地管理别人的情绪，希望他们开心。所以你总是不断确认：你还好吗？

Or maybe it looks like this. This was me for a long time with my husband. You're constantly managing somebody else's mood and hoping that they're happy. So you check-in all the time. Are you okay?

你在想什么？你生气了吗？我做错了什么吗？因为你希望一切时刻都完美无缺。如果你的伴侣开心，那么你就开心。

What are thinking about? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? Because you want everything to be perfect all the time. And if your partner's happy, then you're happy.

而你的责任不仅是确保他们开心，还要不断确认他们时刻都开心。这会让你发疯。我以前经常这样做。或者总是成为你家庭或朋友群中的策划者。因为如果你今年不主办烧烤，如果你不组织妈妈的生日礼物，如果你不是那个时刻保持警觉的人，那么有人就会失望。

And it's your responsibility to not only make sure they're happy, but to check-in and make sure that they're happy all the time. It makes you crazy. I used to do this constantly. Or always being the planner in your family or your friend group. Because if you don't host the barbecue this year, if you don't organize mom's birthday gift, if you're not the one that's on the ball, then somebody's going to be disappointed.

这不会发生的，但不知为何这成了你人生的责任。或者你避免寻求帮助，因为不想给别人增加压力，他们真的很忙，你自己做这些事更容易，你不想兴风作浪。或者你说你很乐意帮忙，但私下里其实并不乐意，因为你已经不堪重负、精疲力竭，却始终承担着确保其他人都好的责任。天啊。

It's not going to happen, and somehow this is your responsibility in life. Or you avoid asking for help because you don't want to add stress to somebody else's plate because they're really busy and it's just easier if you do this and you don't want to rock the waves. Or you say, you're happy to help. But secretly, no, you're not because you're overwhelmed and you just literally are so exhausted, but you just constantly take on the responsibility of making sure everybody else is okay. Oh, my God.

光是解释这一切，你就感觉更沉重了。你可能在摇头说，哇，这些事我并不全做，但其中一些我确实会做。但这太多了，梅尔。确实太多了。这些真的是非常隐蔽的东西。

Even just explaining all of this, you just feel heavier. And you might be shaking your head going, wow, I don't do all those things, but I do some of those things. But that's a lot, Mel. It is a lot. This is really, really sneaky stuff.

让我再举个例子，好吗？关于你感觉对他人幸福负责会是什么样子。假设你允许别人打断你说话或以不尊重的方式对待你，而你不想指出这位家庭成员的问题，因为那会引起场面尴尬让人不开心。或者你是否会花你没有的钱买礼物、请吃饭或旅行，因为你害怕如果不这样做，有人会看轻你？我想指出这一点，因为每次你其实不想出去却答应赴约，只是因为你不想让人失望，希望大家都对你满意，并认为满足所有人的期望是你的责任时，你要意识到这正在花费你的金钱。

Let me give you another example, okay? Of how you feeling responsible for someone else's happiness, what this can look like. Let's say you let someone talk over you or speak to you in a disrespectful way, and you don't wanna call out this family member because it would cause a scene and make someone unhappy. Or do you spend money that you don't have on gifts or dinners or trips because you're afraid if you don't, someone's gonna think less of you? And I wanna point this out because every time you say yes to going out when really you don't want to go but you're saying yes because you don't want someone to be disappointed, you want everyone to be happy with you, and you think it's your responsibility that everybody's expectations are met, you realize that it's costing you money.

你不仅愿意承担责任，还愿意花钱只为不让别人对你失望或不满。这其中存在实实在在的沉重代价，远超时间、精力、情感和你自己的不快乐。这就是为什么管理他人的幸福不是你的责任。根本不是。如果你把所有时间和精力都花在担心别人是否安好、是否快乐、确保他们不失望上，猜猜谁的幸福被忽视了？

That you're willing to not only take on responsibility, but you're willing to spend money in order for someone else to not be disappointed or upset with you. There's a real hard cost to this that also goes beyond time, energy, emotions, and your own unhappiness. This is why it's not your responsibility to manage other people's happiness. It's just not. And if you're spending all your time and energy worrying about everyone else and whether they're okay and whether they're happy and making sure they're not disappointed, guess whose happiness is getting ignored?

你的。没错。当你如此专注于其他人时，它会耗尽你的时间和精力，你也会迷失在生活中能让你快乐的东西。就让他们去吧。否则，你最终会像我生命前五十年那样生活。

Yours. That's right. When you are so focused on everyone else, it drains your time and energy and you also lose sight of what will make you happy in life. Just let them. Because otherwise, you end up doing what I did for the first fifty years of my life.

你过着一种本末倒置的生活。你活得仿佛所有人的期望和他们的幸福都比你重要。并且确保每个人都好、每个人的需求都得到满足、每个人的慈善捐款都到位、每个人都能在晚餐或商务活动或其他场合见到你成了你的责任。我有更好的生活方式。让他们，让他们，让他们，让他们，让他们自己去处理他们的期望吧。

You live your life in reverse. You live your life as if everyone else's expectations and their happiness comes before you. And that it is your responsibility to be sure everybody's okay, that everybody's needs are met, that everybody's charity is donated to, that everybody gets you at their dinners or at their business stuff or whatever. I got a better way to go through life. Let them, let them, let them, let them, let them deal with their own expectations.

让他们去应对失望。人们有权感到失望。你也有权说不。当你开始意识到，等等，让每个人都开心不是我的责任？答应别人以免他们对我失望或沮丧也不是我的责任？

Let them deal with the disappointment. People are allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed to say no. And when you start to realize, wait a minute, it's not my responsibility to make everybody happy? It's not my responsibility to say yes so that people aren't disappointed or bummed out with me?

我并没有义务因为害怕让朋友感到更不安而刻意低调或不庆祝自己生活中的美好。你知道这样过一辈子有多可悲吗？天啊，我就这样过了几十年。其实有更好的生活方式。不如让他们去不开心，让我现在就做出让自己快乐的决定。

It's not my responsibility to shrink or to not celebrate what's happening in my life because I'm afraid it's going to make my friend feel more insecure. Do know how lame that is to go through life like that? And God, I did it for decades. There's a better way to do life. How about you let them be unhappy and let me make decisions that make me happy right now.

让我做出符合自己价值观和当前优先事项的决定。因为关键在于：你要为自己的幸福负责。你不需要为所有人的幸福负责，但你唯一要负责的是以让自己感到骄傲和快乐的方式做决定。你要为自己的生活负责，优先考虑自己的需求、快乐、目标和财富。

Let me make decisions that align with my values and the things that I want to prioritize right now. Because here's the thing you are responsible for. You are responsible for your happiness. You're not responsible for everybody else's happiness, but you are responsible singularly for making decisions in a way that make you proud and happy of yourself. You're responsible for living your life in a way that prioritizes your needs, your joy, your goals, your money.

比如，为什么要为了不让别人失望或沮丧就放弃自己的金钱？为什么要为了不让某人失望就牺牲自己的时间？你还要对诚实负责。是的，你需要对他人保持善意和同情心，但要诚实地表达什么适合你、什么不适合你。尤其是当这会让别人不开心的时候。

Like, why are you giving away your money so that people are not disappointed or bummed out with you? Why are you giving away your time so that somebody is not disappointed? You're also responsible for being honest. Yeah, you got to be kind about it with people and a little bit compassionate, but be honest about what works for you and what doesn't work for you. Especially if it makes them unhappy.

我要再说一遍：你必须诚实。尤其是当这会让别人不开心的时候。原因如下：我一次又一次地发现，回顾过去时，我无法让别人不开心或失望，其实是一种操纵形式。

I'm gonna say that again. You gotta be honest. Especially if it's gonna make them unhappy. And here's the reason why. I have found time and time again in when I look back in the past, my inability to let other people be unhappy or disappointed was a form of manipulation.

我基本上一直在试图让所有人都开心，这样他们就会喜欢我。但直到你学会让别人不开心，你才能真正优先考虑自己的幸福。让我再说一遍，因为这一点很重要：你不需要对别人的幸福负责。更重要的是，直到你学会让别人不开心，你才会开始优先考虑自己的幸福。

I basically was trying to make people happy all the time so they'd like me. And you can never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy. Let me say that again because that's a big one. You're not responsible for other people's happiness. And more importantly, you will never prioritize your own happiness until you learn how to let other people be unhappy.

因为如果他们的幸福优先于你的幸福，你就永远没有时间和精力让自己快乐。就这样。我能听到你在思考这些例子时的疑问：但是梅尔，这样会不会让我变得很自私？帮助朋友、参加晚宴、做一些让别人开心的事不是很好吗？

Because if their happiness comes before yours, you will never have time and energy to make yourself happy. Period. And I can hear you as you're considering these examples. But Mel, won't this make me like really selfish? Is it a good thing to help out your friends and show up at dinner parties and do things to make other people happy?

当然，这是好事。当然，以那种能让别人开心、通过行动展现关怀的方式生活是很好的。但我要说的是这个细微差别：你必须问自己，你为什么这么做？你为什么答应？

Of course, it's a good thing. Of course, it's a good thing to live your life in a way where you show up as the kind of person that makes other people happy and that you do things that show them that you care. But here's this nuance I'm talking about. You have to ask yourself, why are you doing this? Why are you saying yes?

你为什么要同意这些事情？为什么要接额外的工作班次？为什么又要主动帮你姐姐照看她未经训练的狗，而她又要出门？尽管这样，你为什么要这么做？如果你是为了他们，并且为别人做好事让你感觉良好，那很好。

Why are you agreeing to these things? Why are you taking the extra shift at work? Why are you offering to babysit your sister's untrained dog yet again while she goes away? Even though like, why are you doing this? If you're doing it for them and doing nice things for other people makes you feel good, good.

这意味着你是在为自己做这些事，因为成为那样的人让你感觉良好。你明白我的意思吗？答应照看狗是因为它让你开心。答应在学校做志愿者是因为它让你开心。答应改变计划去参加那个婚礼，或者对生日周末的商业机会感到兴奋，是因为它让你开心。

That means you're doing it for you because it makes you feel good to be that kind of person. Do you see what I mean? Say yes to babysitting the dog because it makes you happy. Say yes to volunteering at school because it makes you happy. Say yes to changing your plans and going to that wedding or being excited about the business opportunity over a birthday weekend because it makes you happy.

为你自己而做。不要为他们而做。因为如果你长期这样做是因为你认为你应该，或者你认为让别人开心或满足他们的期望是你的责任，或者因为你担心别人会失望——这只不过是另一种说法：我要为别人不失望负责。我要为他们的幸福负责。这太糟糕了。

Do it for you. Don't do it for them. Because if you're chronically doing things because you think you should or because you think it's your responsibility to make other people happy or to meet their expectations or because you're worried that other people will be disappointed, which is just another way to say, I'm responsible for people not being disappointed. I'm responsible for their happiness. That's terrible.

这是最糟糕的做事理由，因为第一，你现在承担了满足别人期望的责任。你承担了别人不失望的责任。你承担了别人幸福的责任，却忽略了自己的。所以，这是双重负面打击。这就是为什么它不好。

That's the worst reason to do something because number one, now you are assuming responsibility for somebody else's expectations being met. You're assuming responsibility for somebody not being disappointed. You're assuming responsibility for somebody's happiness, and you're ignoring your own. So, it's a double whammy of negativity. That's why it's not good.

更重要的是，怨恨开始在你的关系中积累。我不是在开玩笑。因为你开始责怪你的父母总是让你内疚，而事实是你承担了确保他们永远不会不舒服或失望的责任。有一个更简单的方法：让他们失望吧。

And even more, resentment starts to build up in your relationships. I kid you not. Because you start to blame your parents for constantly throwing a guilt trip when the truth is you've assumed responsibility for making sure that they're never uncomfortable or disappointed. There's an easier way. Let them be disappointed.

让我做出让我自我感觉良好的决定。所以，不要混淆你天生想让别人开心的愿望（这是好事）和这种想象中的责任——认为他们的幸福是你的全职工作。这就是我们搞错的地方。卡内基梅隆大学有一项研究，由心理学教授Vicki Helgeson领导，她跟踪了一些大学生，记录了他们十天的日常生活。这项研究的发现非常有趣。

And let me make decisions that make me feel good about myself. And so, don't confuse your innate desire to make people happy, which is a good thing, with this imagined responsibility that their happiness is your full time job. That's where we get this wrong. There is a study done out of Carnegie Mellon that was led by the psychology professor, Vicki Helgeson, where she tracks college students that were just going about their lives for ten days. And it was so interesting what this study found.

研究发现，那些不断照顾别人但从不寻求帮助的学生最终精疲力尽、压力山大，情绪状态更差。这些人是过度付出者、解决问题者，认为让其他人都好是他们的工作。但他们越试图管理别人的情绪，自己感觉就越糟。我的意思是，尽管是为了给生活带来平静，但他们感觉更糟。让我解释一下这意味着什么，因为我觉得你在听的时候可能会想，当然了，因为我现在就是这么感觉的。

It found that the students who were constantly taking care of everyone else but never asked for help ended up drained, stressed out, and worse off emotionally. These were the over givers, the fixers, the people who think that it's their job to keep everyone else okay. But the more that they tried to manage other people's emotions, the worse they felt. I mean, of bringing peace into your life, the worse they felt. Let me explain what this means because I think as you're listening, you're going, well, no kidding because that's how I feel right now.

看吧，不断透支自己，因为你认为让每个人都好起来是你的责任，这并不会给你的生活带来平静，反而会让你感到更加焦虑和情感枯竭。这一点再清楚不过了。看，当你处于那种为他人幸福承担责任的状态时，你实际上不是在帮忙，而是在伤害自己。我要再说一遍。

See, instead of bringing peace into your life, constantly overextending yourself because you think it's your responsibility to make everybody okay leads to you feeling more anxious and emotionally burnt out. It couldn't be clear. See, when you're in that mode where you assume responsibility for other people's happiness, you're actually not helping. You're hurting yourself. I'm gonna say it again.

你只对自己的幸福负责。这并不让你变得自私。它帮助你做出更好的选择，帮助你为自己所做的事情负责，并帮助你优先考虑自己。让他们不开心去吧。

You are only responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish. It helps you make better choices. It helps you own what you're doing and it helps you prioritize yourself. Let them be unhappy.

让他们沮丧去吧。让他们失望去吧。让我做出决定，优先安排我的时间和精力，按照我的价值观和当下发生的事情来生活，并以让我快乐的方式去做。因为当我说‘是’的时候，让我诚实地面对我说‘是’的原因。我说‘是’是因为我想说‘是’。

Let them be upset. Let them be disappointed. And let me make decisions and prioritize my time and energy and live my life aligned with my values and what's happening in this moment and do so in a way that makes me happy. Because when I say yes, let me be honest about the reason why I'm saying yes. I say yes because I want to say yes.

我说‘是’是因为这对我很重要。当我以这种方式做决定时，我为我所做的选择承担责任。最终，我感到一切尽在掌握。而当我感到掌控一切时，你猜怎么着？我会感到更快乐一点。

I say yes because it matters to me. And when I make decisions that way, I take responsibility for the choices I'm making. And ultimately, I feel in control. And when I feel in control, guess what? Feel a little happier.

这运作的方式是不是很酷？而这就是第一件你不必负责的事情——他人的幸福。不是你的工作，从来都不是。我为你和我即将深入探讨另外三件你不必负责的事情感到非常兴奋，但现在我们要短暂休息一下。千万别走开，因为你一定会喜欢接下来的三个。

Isn't that so cool how that works? And that's the first thing that you're not responsible for, other people's happiness. Not your job, never has been. And I am so excited for you and I to dig into the other three things that you're not responsible for, but we're gonna take a short break right now. Don't you dare go anywhere because you're gonna love the next three.

我也希望你在收听我们优秀赞助商的内容时，花点时间把这段分享给你生活中的人。我明白你不必为他们的幸福负责，但让我们把爱传播出去吧，因为说实话，如果他们听了这个，你就不必为他们的幸福承担责任了，这样会更容易些。好了，别走开。我们还有三个要讲，短暂休息后我们就继续。

And I also want you to take a moment while you're listening to our amazing sponsors and share this with people in your life. I realize you're not responsible for their happiness, but let's spread the love around because this will make it easier, honestly, if they listen to this for you not to take responsibility for their happiness. Alrighty. Don't go anywhere. We got three more to cover, and we're gonna do that after a short break.

别走开，欢迎回来。我是你的伙伴梅尔·罗宾斯。今天，你和我正在讨论四件你不必负责的事情。到目前为止，你已经了解到你不必为他人的幸福负责。

Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And today, you and I are talking about the four things that you are not responsible for. And so far you've learned that you're not responsible for other people's happiness.

让他们不开心吧。让他们失望吧，因为你要为自己的幸福负责。现在，让我们谈谈第二件你不必负责的事情——你不必负责把人们从他们的问题中拯救出来。让他们从生活中学习。这一点可能特别戳心，尤其是如果你为人父母、伴侣、朋友，或者坦白说只要你有同理心，因为如果你关心别人，真的很难接受这个事实：你不必负责把人们从他们的问题中拯救出来。

Let them be unhappy. Let them be disappointed because you're responsible for your own happiness. Now, let's jump into the second thing that you're not responsible for, which is you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems. Let them learn from life. Now, this one probably hits hard, especially if you're a parent or a partner or a friend or frankly if you have a pulse because if you care about somebody else, it's really hard to accept that this is true, that you're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems.

你必须让他们从生活中学习，因为谁没有经历过呢？我相信你有过。我的意思是，也许你现在就正处于这种状态，看着某个人在挣扎。谁没有试过扫清一切障碍来帮助你所爱的人呢？我相信你一定有过。

And you have to let them learn from life Because who hasn't been there? I'm sure you have. I mean, maybe you're there right now as you're watching somebody struggle. Who hasn't tried to clear all the obstacles out of the way to help somebody that you love? I'm sure you have.

我也有过。而现实很简单。你可以支持某人，你可以提供建议，你可以为他们买单。

I have too. And the reality is simple. You can support someone. You can offer advice. You can pay for things.

你可以抛出无数条救命索。但归根结底，人们只有在准备好为自己做出改变时才会真正改变。如果你不小心，你的爱、关心和担忧会变成对挣扎中的人的纵容。而当你承担起解决他们问题的责任时，这种情况就会发生。理解这个真理非常重要，有两个原因：你不必负责解决别人的问题或把他们从问题中拯救出来。

You can throw down a dozen lifelines. But at the end of the day, people only change when they are ready to do the work to change for themselves. And if you're not careful, your love and your concern and your worry will turn into enabling people who are struggling. And that happens when you assume responsibility for solving their problems. And there are two reasons why this is a very important truth to understand, that you are not responsible for solving someone's problems or rescuing someone from their problems.

第一，这很重要的原因是所有专家都说拯救别人是行不通的。根据研究，拯救别人并为他们解决问题会适得其反，让情况变得更糟。第二个原因是试图解决所有人的问题会给你自己带来大麻烦，而你也很重要。面对这些艰难处境，其实有另一种方式。

Number one, the reason why this is important is because every single expert says that rescuing people doesn't work. And based on the research, rescuing people and solving their problems for them backfires. It makes the situation worse. And the second reason is that trying to solve everyone else's problems is creating major problems for you, and you're important too. And there's a different way to approach these very difficult situations.

我想给你们读一读《让他们理论》这本书第226页的内容，因为我在书中用整个章节专门讲述了当有人陷入困境时如何运用“让他们理论”，如何停止承担解决所有人问题的责任，而是保持在旁观支持的角色。让我读给你们听：看着你爱的人与心理健康问题、难以承受的悲伤或成瘾作斗争，是你人生中最艰难的经历之一。而一个更残酷的真相是：不是每个人都准备好变得更好、保持清醒、付出努力、使用工具或面对自己的问题。

And I wanna read to you from page two twenty six of the Let Them Theory book because I dedicate an entire section of the book to how you use the Let Them Theory when somebody is struggling and how to stop assuming responsibility for everybody's problems and solving them and keep yourself in a role of supporting them from the sidelines. So let me read to you. Watching someone you love struggle with their mental health, crippling grief or an addiction is one of the hardest experiences you will face in life. And an even harder truth is not everyone is ready to get better. Be sober, do the work, use their tools, or face their issues.

也不是每个人都有能力做到。我从临床心理学家尼古拉·佩拉博士的工作中学到了这个真理。她在网上被数百万粉丝称为整体心理学家。她的工作每天都在提醒我：疗愈是一段非常个人化的旅程。

And not everybody can. I learned that truth from clinical psychologist Doctor. Nicola Perla's work. She's known online to her millions of followers as the holistic psychologist. And every day her work reminds me that healing is a deeply personal journey.

尽管你可能深爱某人、信任他们，并愿意做任何事来消除他们的痛苦，但你无法比他们自己更渴望他们的清醒、疗愈或健康。你越是试图将某人从问题中拯救出来，他们就越可能继续沉溺其中。允许他人面对自身行为的自然后果，是疗愈、成长和变得更好的必要部分。事实是，成年人只有在准备好付出努力时才会好转，而你往往会比他们更早做好准备。这很残酷，但却是事实。

As much as you may love someone and believe in them and would do anything in the world to make their pain go away, you cannot want someone else's sobriety, healing, or health more than they do. The more you try to rescue someone from their problems, the more likely they will continue to drown in them. Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions is necessary part of healing, growing, and getting better. The fact is, adults only get better when they are ready to do the work, and you're going to be ready way before they are. It's harsh, but it's true.

我们将要讨论的是一种全新的支持他人应对困境的方法，它基于一个信念：一个人能够通过努力变得更好。为了实现这一点，你必须停止承担替他们解决问题的责任。在我们探讨研究关于如何有效提供支持之前，首先让我们看看当你承担解决他人问题的责任时会发生什么。以下是一些例子。假设你第三次借钱给你的兄弟姐妹，尽管前两次他们都没有还你。

What we're going to talk about is there's a brand new approach to supporting someone through their struggles, which is grounded in the belief that someone can do the work to get better. In order for that to happen, you have to stop assuming responsibility for doing the work for them. Before we get into what does the research say about how to show up and support in a way that's gonna be effective, First, let's take a look at what happens when you assume responsibility for solving someone else's problems. Here are some examples. Let's say you loan your sibling money for the third time, even though they haven't paid you back the last two times.

或者你不断为你成年的孩子支付汽车、手机和房租费用，尽管他们没有工作，似乎也没有真正在找工作或缺乏找工作的动力，却仍有时间和金钱外出与朋友聚会。每次你询问‘找工作进展如何？’时，得到的只有借口和更多的要钱请求。而你仍然继续给他们钱。你忍不住这样做。

Or you keep paying for the car, the phone, and the rent for your adult kid who isn't working and doesn't really seem to be looking for work or all that motivated to look for work, but still has the time and the money to go out and party with their friends. And every time you ask, hey, how's the job search going? There's nothing but excuses and a request for some more money. And you keep giving it to them. You can't help it.

我明白。我也经历过。或者你的伴侣自我放纵，于是你擅自为他们办理了健身房会员，尽管他们不想要也不使用，但随后你开始怨恨他们，因为他们什么都不做，不接受帮助，而你仍在试图解决这个问题。或者这个例子呢？

I know. I've been there. Or your partner has let themselves go. So you just sign them up for the gym membership even though they don't want it and then they don't use it but then you start resenting them because they're not doing anything and they're not accepting the help and you're still trying to solve this. Or how about this one?

你不断为你邋遢的室友收拾残局，他们拒绝分担责任，因为你无法忍受混乱，但似乎也无法与他们进行建设性对话，因为收拾烂摊子比坦诚指出问题更容易。或者你有一位家人拒绝为成瘾问题寻求帮助，你知道他们在向你隐瞒实情，你知道他们不诚实，你认为他们仍在滥用 substances。然而，你向朋友隐瞒情况，不公开谈论，也无法获得你需要的支持，因为你试图保护你的家人。

You keep cleaning up after your messy roommate who refuses to do their share because you can't live in the mess but you also can't seem to have a constructive conversation about it with them because cleaning up the mess is easier than being honest about what's not working with this person. Or you have a family member who refuses to get help for their addiction And you know they're hiding their addiction from you. You know they're not honest. You think they're still using. And yet you're hiding what's going on from your friends and you're not talking about it openly and getting the support that you need because you're trying to protect your family member.

因此，你无法坦诚面对自己生活中的真实状况，也无法获得应得的支持。我自己也挣扎于同样的问题。我的意思是，这确实很难做到，而且在‘解决问题并过度付出’与‘退后一步向需要的人提供支持’之间的界限非常个人化。我必须不断提醒自己，拯救人们免受自身伤害不是我的责任，即使他们是我的亲人。以下这个方法真的帮助我对自己诚实并自我反省。

So you're not honest about what's actually going on in your life and getting the support that you deserve. And I struggle with the same stuff myself. I mean, this is really difficult to do and it's very personal in terms of where is that line where you're solving the problems and you're overextending yourself versus standing back and offering support to somebody who wants it. I have to constantly remind myself that it's not my responsibility to save people from themselves, even when I'm related to them. And here's something that's really helped me to be honest with myself and to call myself out.

那就是问自己：我试图解决的问题是什么？比如，请你想一个你非常担心的人。你可能在为他们生活的某些部分付费，或者试图激励他们。你要解决的问题是什么？是财务状况吗？

It's asking, what is the problem that I'm trying to solve? Like, want you to think about somebody who you feel like you are really worried about. You're either paying for parts of their life or you're trying to motivate them. What is your problem to solve? Is it the financial situation?

是戒酒问题吗？是对学校缺乏兴趣吗？你要解决的问题是什么？你的责任。而我发现自己经常把解决别人的问题当成自己的问题，因为我不喜欢担心别人时那种不舒服的感觉。

Is it sobriety? Is it the lack of interest in school? What is your problem to solve? Your responsibility. And here's what I've discovered about myself is that oftentimes I've made it my problem to solve other people's problems because I don't like how uncomfortable I feel when I'm worrying about somebody.

所以，我可以让这种感觉消失。我可以让自己感觉好受些。如果我付钱解决或者回避对话，就能让自己不那么焦虑。这比退后一步提醒自己要容易得多——这个人终究需要从内心找到力量去面对生活中的问题。当他们这样做时，我会在身边支持，但在此期间，我必须退后一步让他们自己处理。

And so, I can just make this go away. I can make myself feel better. I can make myself feel like not as worried if I pay for something or if I avoid the conversation. That's easier than taking a step back and reminding myself, at some point this person is going to have to find the strength within themselves to step up and face the issues in their life. And when they do so, I will be here by the side but in the meantime, I gotta take a step back and let them.

因此这样问很有帮助：你要解决的问题是什么？因为生活中有很多问题，但大多数都不是你的责任去解决。当你越界试图解决别人的问题时，往往会让情况变得更糟。你可能会想：梅尔，我怎么会让情况变得更糟呢？

And so it is helpful. Ask yourself, what is the problem you're trying to solve? Because in life, there's lots of problems, but most of them are not your responsibility to solve. And often when you step across that line and you try to make somebody else's problem go away, you make the situation worse. And you may be thinking, how can I be making the situation worse, Mel?

情况已经很糟糕了。他们已经失去动力，已经在恶性循环中，已经在挣扎。我的帮助怎么会让情况变得更糟？

It's already terrible. They're already unmotivated. They're already spiraling. They're already struggling. How is my help making the situation worse?

这正是需要问的问题，是应该认真思考的事情。我也曾为此困扰，所以我想请教两位世界知名专家，他们参与了我们撰写“让他们理论”时的研究。这部分内容在名为《你越是拯救，他们越是沉沦》的章节中，我正在读第231页。

It's the exact question to ask. It's the right thing to grapple with. And so I've grappled with the same thing, which is why I want to turn to two world renowned experts who were part of the research that we did in writing the let them theory. This is in the chapter titled The More You Rescue, The More They Sink. I'm reading from page two thirty one.

章节开头写道：让人们从生活中学习。罗伯特·瓦尔丁格博士是一位执业精神科医生和心理分析师，也是哈佛医学院的精神病学临床教授。他还领导着哈佛成人发展研究，这是关于成人生活最广泛、最长期的研究项目之一。

The section begins, Let people learn from life. Doctor. Robert Waldinger is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst as well as a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He also leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most extensive and long standing research projects on adult life. Doctor.

当我与瓦尔丁格博士交谈时，他特别强调了这一点。他说：让人们从生活中学习。不要保护他们免受自己选择带来的后果。如果有人说‘我真的不想找工作’，好吧。

Waldinger addressed this specifically when I talked to him. He said, Let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose. If somebody says, I really don't want to get a job. Okay.

那么，你打算怎么支付房租呢？我们可以通过不让人们逃避生活挑战的方式，来帮助他们应对生活中的困难。这种情况经常发生在亲人成瘾的领域。我们必须让人们面对因沉迷某种物质而失去工作或失去伴侣的痛苦。不要试图介入并让一切好转。

Well, how are you going to pay your rent? There are a lot of things we can do to help people meet the challenges of life by not shielding them from the challenges of life. This often happens in the realm of addiction with loved ones. We have to let people deal with the pain of losing a job or losing a partner because they're addicted to some substance. Don't try to run-in and make it all better.

当我们让人们面对自己选择所带来的现实后果时，他们有望从中吸取教训。也许他们需要在监狱里过一夜。也许他们需要失去工作、执照或家庭。也许你需要让他们退学。也许他们需要和你住在一起，因为他们需要家人在身边。

When we let people face the real world consequences of the choices they make, they hopefully learn from them. Maybe they need to spend a night in jail. Maybe they need to lose their job or their license or their family. Maybe you need to take them out of college. Maybe they need to live with you because they need family around them.

也许他们已经陷得太深，将会无家可归。而且这不仅仅发生在成瘾和严重精神疾病等最极端的情况下。当有人正在与思乡之情、焦虑或自我怀疑作斗争时，同样的原则也适用。哈佛医学院临床心理学家兼讲师卢安娜·马奎斯博士告诉我，回避是一种习惯和应对机制，在人们面对困境时非常常见。

Maybe they're just so far gone, they are going to be homeless. And it's not just in the most extreme cases like addiction and severe mental illness. This same principle applies when someone is struggling with homesickness, anxiety, or self doubt. Doctor. Luana Marquez, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, told me that avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted.

你的亲人会回避那些感觉困难的情境、对话或行为改变。追求轻松的事物、逃避面临的困难是人的天性，无论是重返校园、找工作、保持清醒、寻求帮助、申请破产还是提出离婚，重要的是要接受事实，这样你才能以理性和科学支持的方法来处理这个问题。停止回避问题。停止解决他们的问题，让他们从生活中学习。事实是帮助需要两个人。

Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard. It's human nature to reach for what feels easy and to move away from what you're facing that is difficult, whether that's going back to school or looking for a job or maintaining your sobriety or asking for help or filing for bankruptcy or filing for divorce, it's important to embrace the facts here so you can approach this from a rational and science backed method. Stop avoiding the problem. Stop solving their problems and let them learn from life. The fact is helping takes two people.

提供帮助的人（也就是你）和接受帮助的人。如果你在提供帮助而对方不接受，这就从帮助变成了纵容，因为全是你在做所有的工作。他们不再积极参与解决自己的问题。而是你在解决问题。这就是使其成为纵容而非帮助的原因。

The person giving the help, that's you, and the person accepting the help. If you're giving someone help and they're not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling because you're the one doing all the work. They're not an active participant in solving their problems anymore. You're the one solving it. And that's what makes it enabling rather than help.

所以如果你知道帮助需要两个人，而有人不接受你提供的帮助，或者他们没有达到你提供资金或支持的条件，你需要告诉自己：让他们去挣扎。记住，人们会在准备好改变时改变。有时人们需要很长时间才能改变。有时需要经历很多痛苦的经历，他们才会觉醒并发现内心的力量。你没有责任把人们从问题中拯救出来，所以停止这样做。

So if you know that helping takes two people and someone's not accepting the help that you're giving, or they're not meeting the terms and conditions upon which you've been giving the money or the support, you need to say to yourself, let them struggle. Remember, people change when they're ready to change. And sometimes it takes people a very long time to change. Sometimes it takes someone going through a lot of painful experiences before they wake up and discover the strength within themselves. You're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems, so stop doing it.

让他们从生活中学习。理解支持某人与实际上通过替他们解决问题来纵容他们之间的区别。这听起来很严厉，但这实际上是你能做的最有爱心的事情之一。因为你也是在说：我相信你有能力做出改变。我相信当你准备好时，你会改变的。

Let them learn from life. Understand the difference between supporting somebody and actually enabling them by solving their problems for them. It sounds harsh, but it's actually one of the most loving things that you can do. Because you're also saying, I believe in your ability to do the work to change. I believe that when you're ready, you will change.

当你准备好接受帮助的那一刻，我会立刻出现在你身边给予支持。但在此之前，我不负责解决你的问题，我会让你从生活中学习成长。这就是你不必负责的第二件事。请别离开，因为我们还有两件你不必负责的事要说——这两件我可是把最好的留到了最后。在短暂休息收听赞助商内容时，请花点时间把这段分享给你所有关心的人，因为每个人都值得获得力量。

And the second that you are ready to accept the help, I will be right there to give it to you. But in the meantime, I'm not responsible for solving your problems and I'm gonna let you learn from life. And that's the second thing that you're not responsible for. And don't you dare go anywhere because we got two more things that you're not responsible for and these two I've saved the best for last. And while you're listening to our sponsors on this short break, I want you to take a moment and share this with everybody that you know and care about because everybody deserves to feel empowered.

每个人都应该知道如何重掌自己的力量，而这正是我们通过剖析这四件你不必负责的事所要实现的。好啦，别走开。最后两点将在短暂休息后揭晓，请保持关注。欢迎回来。

Everybody deserves to know how to take your power back, and that's what we're doing here by unpacking these four things that you're not responsible for. Alrighty. Don't go anywhere. The final two are coming up after this short break, so stay with me. Welcome back.

我是你们的朋友梅尔·罗宾斯。能为大家讲解这四件你不必负责的事，我真的很兴奋。特别是如果你已经厌倦了为所有人所有事承担责任，那么今天的节目正是你需要的良药。现在让我们进入第三件你不必负责的事——你不必负责让他人理解你的选择。

It's your buddy Mel Robbins. And I am so excited to be explaining the four things that you're not responsible for. And especially if you're tired of shouldering the responsibility for everyone and everything, boy, is today's episode exactly what you need to hear. And so, let's jump into the third thing that you're not responsible for. You're not responsible for making people understand your choices.

就让他们误解你吧。让他们觉得你错了、误入歧途或古怪。让他们觉得尴尬难堪——因为你本就不必负责让他人理解。正如我一直说的，生活中总有些你永远无法掌控的东西，那就是他人。他们的想法、行为、信念，无论他们是否理解现状或质疑你。

Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're wrong, misguided or strange. Let them think it's cringey because you're not responsible for making people understand. You know, like I keep telling you, there's something in life that you will never be able to control, and that's other people. What they think, what they do, what they believe, whether or not they understand what's going on or they're questioning you.

这意味着你无法控制别人对你的看法，对你正在做的事情、你的穿着、你的职业选择的看法。你永远、永远、永远都无法控制这些。所以你必须学会让别人去想他们想的事情，你必须学会让他们误解你。我给你举个例子。前几天我开车经过一条路。

That means you cannot control what another person thinks about you, about what you're doing, about what you're wearing, about your career moves. You will never ever, ever, ever be able to control that. So you gotta learn how to let people think what they're gonna think and you gotta learn how to let them misunderstand you. You I'm going give you an example. The other day I was driving down this road.

我在新英格兰地区。这里很美。我身处一个乡村地区。有点像那种乡村的双车道高速公路，限速45英里每小时。我们沿着河流开车穿过群山。

I'm up in New England. It's beautiful. I'm in this rural area. It's kind of like one of those highways in a rural area that's two lanes, 45 miles an hour. We're by a river driving through the mountains.

突然，在远处我看到一个人，我在想，那个人在做什么？他们在路的另一边。他们正朝我这边过来。我一开始没太看清楚他们在做什么。当他们靠近时，我心想，天啊，他们居然在骑独轮车。

And suddenly, off in the distance, I see this person and I'm like, what is that person doing? They're on the other side of the road. They're kind of coming toward me. I couldn't quite make out what they were doing. And as they got closer, I was like, Oh my God, they're riding a unicycle.

说真的，不骗你。果然，当我靠近时，有个人正在高速公路边上骑独轮车，就好像这是人人都做的事一样。我完全不明白他们为什么要这样做。那是我见过最奇怪的事情。我无法理解为什么会有人想在高速公路上骑独轮车。

I kid you not. Sure enough, when I got close, there was this person riding a unicycle on the side of the highway just like it's what everybody does. I have no idea why they were doing that. Was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I had no idea why somebody would want to ride a unicycle down a highway.

但你知道吗？我不需要理解。因为那个在新英格兰中部高速公路上骑独轮车的人，他们正在过自己最好的生活。他们做了一个让自己开心的决定。没有人需要理解他们。

But you want to know what? I don't need to understand. Because that person riding the unicycle down the highway, the middle of New England, they're living their best life. They're making a decision that made them happy. No one needs to understand them.

没有人需要理解他们如何早上醒来然后说：你知道吗？我觉得今天我要在高速公路上骑独轮车。难道你我不配像那样生活吗？像我们的独轮车朋友一样？知道别人的看法根本不重要。

No one needs to understand how they wake up in the morning and go, You know what? I think I'm going to ride my unicycle down the highway today. Don't you and I deserve to go through life like that? Like our unicycle friend? Knowing that it doesn't matter what other people think.

我不需要解释自己。我的行动不言自明。我在做我想做的事。如果有人对此有意见，随他们去。如果有人觉得我骑独轮车很傻，随他们去。

I don't need to explain myself. My actions are self explanatory. I'm doing what I feel like doing. And if somebody has a problem with that, let them. If somebody thinks I'm an idiot for riding a unicycle, let them.

如果有人觉得我能在高速公路边上那样保持平衡、继续快乐前行很酷，也随他们去。因为知道你要为自己的选择负责就是力量。独轮车唯一需要让之觉得合理的人就是骑它的那个人。所以现在让我把话题转回你和我。你的决定唯一需要让之觉得合理的人就是你自己。

If somebody thinks it's kind of cool that I can balance like that on the side of a highway and just carry on in my happy way, let them. Because knowing that you're responsible for your choices is power. The only person the unicycle needed to make sense to was the guy riding it. So now let me turn it back to you and me. The only person your decisions need to make sense to is you.

那个骑独轮车的人无论做什么，都无法保证我会认可或理解他在做什么、要去哪里、以及他为什么要骑独轮车。而他为什么要关心这个呢？他应该关心的是自己正在做的决定。你看，那些你感觉被召唤去做的事，你想要做出的改变，你拥有的目标，你遗愿清单上的事项，你心中怀抱的愿望，你想要采用的交通方式，这些都是为了你自己。它们不是为了别人。

There is nothing that that unicycle rider could have done to guarantee my approval or to guarantee that I'd understand what he was doing and where he was going and why he was riding a unicycle in the first place. And why should he be concerned about that? He should be concerned about the decisions that he's making. See, the things that you feel called to do, the changes that you wanna make, the goals that you have, the things on your bucket list, the wishes that you hold in your heart, the modes of transportation that you wanna go on, they're all for you. They're not for other people.

它们本来就不需要让别人觉得合理。你的梦想是为你自己的。这就是为什么别人不理解它们。我的意思是，你能想象一个世界吗？在那里你不再试图让每个人都理解你的选择？在那里你不再把别人的认可作为你做某件事的前提条件？

They're not supposed to make sense to other people. Your dreams are for you. That's why other people don't understand them. I mean, you imagine a world where you stop trying to make everyone else understand your choices? Where you stop making someone else's validation a requirement before you can do something.

我真的希望你能好好思考一下。想想你现在想做的事情。也许是你一直想做的一件事。我敢打赌你没有去做，是因为你害怕别人不理解或不支持你的决定。这就是为什么你必须让他们误解你。

I really want you to think about that. Think about something that you want to do right now. Maybe it's something you've wanted to do for a while. I bet you're not doing it because you're afraid other people won't understand or support your decision. That's why you have to let them misunderstand you.

还有一点非常重要。我经常发现，当你生活中做出改变时，最亲近的人往往不理解你为什么要改变。关键在于，我们总是从自己的视角去爱别人。所以当你的家人或朋友质疑你、不理解你时，他们是从他们的视角在质疑你。

And here's something that's really important to say. Oftentimes, what I've found is that when you make changes in your life, it's the people who are closest to you that don't understand why you're changing. See, here's the point. We always love people from our point of view. So when your family or friends are questioning you and they don't understand you, they are questioning you from their point of view.

他们是从自己的视角爱你。他们通过自己的恐惧、局限和生活经历来看待你的决定。所以他们不是从你的视角做出反应。他们不住在你的身体里，所以不知道什么对你来说才是正确的。

They're loving you from their point of view. They're seeing your decision through their fears, their limits, their life experiences. So they're not reacting from your lens. They don't live inside your body. So they don't know what feels right for you.

举个例子，如果你的祖父母从未在没有备选方案的情况下辞职，当你自主创业并辞去工作时，这听起来就很鲁莽。他们正试图从自己的经验来理解这件事。如果他们从未接受过心理治疗，当你开始说'不，我不会改变计划，你们和奶奶玩得开心'时，听起来会非常冷漠。

For example, if your grandmother or grandfather has never quit a job without a backup plan, when you go into business for yourself and you quit that job, that sounds reckless. They're trying to understand this from their experience. If they've never been in therapy, the second that you start to say, No, I'm not gonna change my plans. You guys have fun with grandma. It's gonna sound really cold.

他们从未经历过有毒关系的分手。所以你的分手会让他们开始审视自己的关系。他们从未戒过酒。你的清醒对他们来说像是一种威胁。我一次又一次地听到这样的说法：当你在生活中做出改变时，最亲近的人往往是最不支持你的。

They've never walked away from a toxic breakup. So your breakup makes them start to consider something in their own relationship. They've never stopped drinking. Your sobriety seems like a threat. Like one of the Like I've heard this over and over again that when you're changing in your life, the people closest to you are often the least supportive.

你会希望你的伴侣理解。你会希望你的父母理解。你会希望生活中的每个人都支持并为你新的晨间习惯、想成为网红、要改变婚姻状况、要离婚或要移居国外而感到兴奋。你希望他们支持你成为素食主义者。但他们做了什么？

And you're gonna want your partner to understand. You're gonna want your parents to understand. You're gonna want everybody in your life to get on board and be excited about your new morning routine or the fact that you wanna become an influencer, that you're gonna change your marriage, you're gonna get divorced, or you're gonna move to a different country. You want them to support that you're becoming vegan. But what do they do instead?

他们因为不理解而说风凉话。这不公平，但这就是他们的做法。再举个例子。也许你正在考虑重返校园。对吧？

They make snide remarks because they don't understand it. And it's not fair, but that's what they do. Here's another example. Maybe you're thinking about going back to school. Right?

孩子们都离开了。你想重返校园。但你得到的全是质疑。你要如何应对？你要如何支付费用？

The kids are gone. You want to go back to school. But all you're getting are questions. How are going to manage it? How are going to pay for it?

成为教室里最年长或最年轻的人，你会作何感受？真的吗？你离开学校已经很久了。我的意思是，这挺酷的，但会不会负担太重？这就是为什么你必须明白，让别人理解你在做什么并不是你的责任。

How are going to feel being the oldest or the youngest person in that classroom? Really? You've been out of school for a long time. I mean, it's kind of cool, but isn't that a lot? That's why it's critical for you to understand it's not your responsibility to make people understand what you're doing.

事实上，作为你的朋友，我希望你预见到他们不会理解，因为他们没有在做这件事。是你在做。我想再给你几个现实生活中的例子，因为坦然面对生活，任由别人误解你，并假定他们就是会误解，这种感觉真的太解脱了，对吧？比如当你搬离城镇想要一个新的开始时，你的朋友们会说，你为什么要离开？我们不是刚都搬来这里吗。

In fact, I want you to expect as your friend that they're not gonna understand it because they're not doing it. You're the one doing it. And I wanna give you a few more real life examples because it is so liberating to just go through life and let people misunderstand you and just assume that they are, right? Like when you move out of town and you want a fresh start, your friends are gonna go, Why are you leaving? Like, we just all moved here.

天啊，某某要搬走了。你为什么要离开？你用十种不同的方式解释，希望有一种能让他们明白，但从来不会成功。这是在浪费你的精力。答案在这里。

Oh my gosh, so and so is moving. Why are you leaving? And you explain it 10 different ways hoping one's gonna click and it never does. It's a waste of your energy. Here's the answer.

我搬家是因为我要搬家。让他们误解吧。你不欠任何人一个解释，尤其是当不断试图解释自己让你痛苦不堪时。或者假设你确实辞去了工作去创业。这是你多年的梦想，而你的父母，天啊，他们没完没了地谈论稳定、福利以及这要怎么运作。

I'm moving because I'm moving. Let them misunderstand. You don't owe anybody an explanation, especially if it makes you miserable constantly trying to explain yourself. Or let's say you do leave your job to go launch your business. It's been a dream of yours for years and your parents, oh my god, they cannot stop talking about security and benefits and how's this gonna work.

于是你坐下来和他们谈，结果却听到关于经济和所有变化的长篇大论，你一遍又一遍地试图向他们解释你的计划，但他们就是不明白。或者你决定不举办传统婚礼，天啊，你得花好几周时间向你奶奶解释为什么你不办盛大婚礼，为什么不穿白色，为什么不邀请200人。奶奶对婚礼该是什么样子有自己的想象。让她误解吧。把请柬寄给她。让她去向别人抱怨。

And so you sit them down and then you're getting a lecture about the economy and all the changes and you try to walk them through your plan again and again and again and they don't get it Or you decide to not have a traditional wedding and, oh my god, you got to spend weeks explaining to your grandmother why you're not doing the big wedding, why you're not wearing white, why you're not inviting 200 people. Grandma had this vision about how it was all gonna go. Let her misunderstand. Send her the invite. Let her complain to somebody else.

或者还有一个重要的例子。你选择不要孩子。每个节假日，像时钟一样准时，总有人要问。所以你觉得你会改变主意吗？好像我决定不要孩子不是一个值得尊重的答案？

Or here's a big one. You choose not to have children. Every holiday, like clockwork, somebody has to ask. So you think you're gonna change your mind? As if I've decided not to have children is not a respectable answer?

你没有义务向他人解释自己。你没有责任让别人理解你。让他们误解吧。让他们困惑吧。你的责任是知道什么对你是正确的。

You are not responsible for explaining yourself to people. You're not responsible for people understanding you. Let them misunderstand. Let them be confused. You're responsible for knowing what's right for you.

你的责任是做出自己能承受的决定。你的责任是足够信任自己，以至于他人的困惑不会动摇你的清晰。你的责任是让别人对你的选择感到不适，但你依然选择它们，因为他们总会感到不适。你是第一次做这件事的人。拥有这个身份。

You're responsible for making decisions you can live with. You're responsible for trusting yourself enough that someone's confusion doesn't shake your clarity. You're responsible for letting other people be uncomfortable with your choices and choosing them anyway because they are gonna be uncomfortable. You're the one who's doing it for the first time. Own that.

只需要一个人和一个家庭就能打破常规。只需要一个人去做些不同的事情。记住我的话，你准备好面对真正恼人的事情了吗？两年后，所有质疑你创业决定的人都会吹嘘你的新事业。三年后，你清醒的生活方式会激励你的一大批朋友和新朋友。

All it takes is one person and a family to break the mold. All it takes is one person to do something different. And mark my words, you're ready for the really annoying thing? Two years from now, everybody that questioned your decision to start that business is gonna be bragging about your new business. Three years from now, your sober lifestyle has inspired a ton of your friends and a ton of new friends.

而你正是那个承担责任的人，做出你理解的选择，做出让你快乐的选择，而不是担心向所有人解释。我想深入探讨一下这方面的研究，因为这非常重要。哈佛大学的尼古拉斯·埃普利博士和他的同事们研究了人们如何相互理解。你猜怎么着？

And you were the one who took responsibility for making choices that you understand and making choices that make you happy instead of worrying about explaining it to everybody else. And I want to dive into the research here because this is really important. Harvard University's Doctor. Nicholas Epley and colleagues of his did research on how people understand each other. And guess what?

他们并不理解。在《人格与社会心理学杂志》发表的一项研究中，他和他的研究人员发现了一些令人着迷的现象。即使人们真心尝试理解你的观点，他们自己的视角也会成为障碍。我的意思是，这是常识，对吧？他们不由自主地通过自己的经历、偏见和假设过滤一切。

They don't. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, he and his fellow researchers found something fascinating. Even when people genuinely try to understand your viewpoint, their own perspective gets in the way. I mean, it's common sense, right? They can't help but filter everything through their own experiences, biases, and assumptions.

他们把你看作骑独轮车的人。当你本可以开车或骑自行车时，什么样的傻瓜会骑着独轮车上高速公路？这意味着你可以解释自己直到脸色发青。但没有人会完全理解你，你无法控制他们是否最终理解。那么这意味着什么？

They see you as the guy in the unicycle. What kind of an idiot goes down the highway on a unicycle when you could drive a car or ride a bike? That means you can explain yourself until you're blue in the face. But no one will ever fully get you, and you can't control whether or not they ever do. So what does this mean?

这意味着无论他们对你的行为有什么假设和担忧，那都不是你需要管理的工作。把你的精力节省下来过你的生活，而不是为它辩护。让他们去吧。让他们困惑，让我保持清晰。让他们质疑我，让我坚定地站在一个简单的答案上。

This means whatever their assumptions and worries are about what you're doing, that's not your job to manage. Save your energy for living your life, not defending it. Let them. Let them be confused and let me be clear. Let them question me and let me just stand firm in a simple answer.

让他们保留他们的看法，让我坚守我的界限。让他们不同意。让我继续前行。让他们不理解。让我停止解释自己。

Let them have their opinions and let me have my boundaries. Let them disagree. Let me keep going. Let them not get it. Let me stop explaining myself.

让他们去说吧。让我去生活。而第四件你不必负责的事是：你不必负责证明自己的价值。让他们低估你。

Let them talk. Let me live. And the fourth thing you're not responsible for. You are not responsible for proving your worth. Let them underestimate you.

我知道你在想，梅尔，但如果每个人都喜欢我并看到我的价值，那我就没问题了。和我一样，你一直把顺序搞反了。你以为自我价值来自于别人喜欢你。实际上恰恰相反。自我价值来自于你喜欢自己本来的样子。

I know you think, well, Mel, but if everybody likes me and sees my value, then I'm good. Like me, you've been getting it all backwards. You think self worth comes from everybody else liking you. It's actually the opposite. Self worth comes from you liking who you already are.

这才是人生真正的成功——喜欢自己。接纳自己是展现自我、完成目标、构建理想生活的关键。它是一切。这就是为什么理解你不必为别人看到你的价值或别人喜欢你而负责，这可能是我今天要说的最重要的事情。现在，这听起来可能和第三点有些相似。

That's the real success in life, liking yourself. Being okay with yourself is the key to showing up, getting things done, and building the life that you want. It's everything. That's why understanding that you're not responsible for other people seeing your value or other people liking you, this might be the most important thing that you hear me say today. Now, this might sound kind of similar to number three.

你知道，第三点是：让别人理解你的决定不是你的责任。但希望人们理解你做出的选择与需要人们验证你的价值之间存在至关重要的区别。我想再次给你读一段《让他们理论》的内容，因为我在书中专门用了一整节来讲述如何运用这个理论来停止赋予他人权力，停止在他人意见中寻求自我价值。这是在79页，标题为《让他们对你有不好的想法》的章节中。事实是，人们会对你有负面看法，而你绝对无法改变这个事实。

You know, number three was it's not your responsibility to make other people understand your decisions. But there's a very crucial difference between wanting people to understand the choices that you make and needing people to validate your worth. I wanna read to you again from the Let Them Theory because I dedicate an entire section in the book to using the theory to stop giving people power and to stop seeking your worth and other people's opinions. This is on page 79 in a chapter titled, Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You. The truth is people will have negative opinions about you, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact.

当你因为害怕别人的看法而不敢做自己想做的事时，你就成了他人意见的囚徒。这种恐惧影响着你生活的方方面面。它让你拖延。它让你怀疑自己、质疑自己的价值。它可能让你因完美主义而瘫痪。

When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself and question your worth. It can paralyze you with perfectionism.

这就是你过度思考的原因。这就是这一切结束的地方。是时候给予人们自由，让他们随心所欲地思考。让他们去吧。也是时候解放自己，让我大胆而无悔地做出那些微小的行动，随着时间的推移，这些行动将改变你的生活。

It's the reason why you overthink. This is where that ends. It's time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let them. And it's time to set yourself free and let me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time transform your life.

你看，你浪费了太多生命和时间，试图让别人看到你的价值。我不仅仅是在说陌生人，还包括你认识的人、你的朋友、家人、那些在社交媒体上的高中同学——你已经十五年没见过他们本人了。你却担心他们的看法。还有你以前的老板，即使你拼命工作，他也从未考虑过给你升职。

See, you're wasting too much of your life and your time trying to get other people to see your worth. And I'm not just talking about strangers here. I'm talking about people you know, your friends, your family, your high school classmates that are on social media and you haven't seen them in person in fifteen years. You're worried about what they think. Your old boss who never considered you for a promotion even though you worked your tail off.

你在Instagram上发布了一些你自豪的东西。两秒钟后，你就在检查是否有人点赞，这意味着你是有价值的。你终于推出了你梦寐以求的东西，而你满脑子想的都是谁没有鼓掌、谁在翻白眼、谁仍然不以为然。于是，你做了什么？你退缩了。

You post something on Instagram that you're proud of. Two seconds later, you're checking to see if somebody else liked it, which means that you're worthy. You finally launch the thing you've been dreaming of and all you can think about is who's not clapping, who's rolling their eyes, who's still not impressed. So, what do you do? You shrink.

你停止前进。你质疑自己是否应该继续。你因为别人的想法和行为而质疑自己的价值。这里还有一些其他例子。也许你不邀请别人来你家，因为你害怕他们会看到沙发上的那堆待洗衣服、水槽里满满的碗碟，或者你的家具是传下来的杂七杂八的东西，看起来根本不像Instagram上的帖子。

You stop moving forward. You question whether or not you should. You question your worth because of what other people think and do. Here's some other examples. Maybe you don't invite people over to your house because you're afraid that they're gonna see the pile of laundry on the couch or the full sink of dishes or that your furniture is a mismatch of things that have been passed down and it doesn't really look like an Instagram post.

或者也许你贬低自己，因为你费尽心思去讨好你伴侣的家人，即使这意味着要扮演一个不是你自己的人，就好像你有什么问题一样。听着，希望别人喜欢你没有错。但当你为了获得认可而改变自己时，那就是问题了。这就是为什么让别人看到你的价值不是你的责任。你必须先看到它。

Or maybe you devalue yourself because you go out of your way to impress your partner's family even if it means acting like someone you're not, as if there's something wrong with you. And look, there's nothing wrong with wanting other people to like you. But when you change who you are in order to get the acceptance, that's the problem. That's why it's not your responsibility to have other people see your worth. You have to see it first.

如果你曾经因为有人质疑或嘲笑你的抱负，或者你不好意思告诉别人你对剪贴簿着迷，而放弃了一个爱好、个人项目或任何能带给你快乐的事情，那就是你在贬低自己。那是你把你的价值建立在别人的意见上。如果你是企业主，你低估了产品的价格，或者以更低的价值提供服务，或者更糟的是，给你认识的人打折，因为你觉得他们不会看到你的真正价值，而且你 somehow 更重视友谊而不是服务的价值。得了吧，你做过这种事。

If you've ever abandoned a hobby or a personal project or anything that brings you joy because somebody questioned you about it or teased your ambition or you felt embarrassed to tell people that scrapbooking is your obsession, that's you devaluing yourself. That's you putting your worth in somebody else's opinion. If you're a business owner and you underprice your products or you give your services at a lower value or worse, you give discounts to people that you know because you feel like they're not gonna see your true worth and somehow you value the friendship over the value of the service. Come on. You've done this.

你提供过免费的室内设计服务。你帮助过别人管理社交媒体。你给过别人法律建议或房地产建议。你花了多少小时陪朋友指导他们完成IEP（个性化教育计划）流程，即使你的工作领域是评估儿童的学习障碍？别再这样做了。

You've given free interior design services. You've helped somebody with their social media. You've given people legal advice or real estate advice. How many hours did you sit with a friend and guide them through the IEP process even though you work in this area of assessing kids for learning disabilities? Don't do that.

所以，让我给你读一下“让他们理论”中的内容，因为学会如何让别人对你有不好的想法，学会让别人不喜欢你，学会让别人看不到你的价值，而不是绞尽脑汁试图向别人证明，这将改变你的生活。我正在读第84页的章节，“让他们对你有不好的想法”。我敢肯定，在展现自己方面，你和我过去一样挣扎。无论是你的生意、艺术、音乐、视频，还是发布一张自己穿泳衣的照片。当你因为别人的意见而审查自己时，你就是在贬低自己的价值。

And so, let me read to you from the let them theory because learning how to let people think bad thoughts about you, learning to let people not like you, learning to let people not see your value and not twist yourself in half trying to prove it to people, this will change your life. I'm reading from page 84 in the section, let them think bad thoughts about you. I'm sure you struggle with the same fear I used to when it comes to putting yourself out there. Whether it's your business, your art, your music, your videos, or posting a photo of yourself in a bathing suit. When you censor yourself because of other people's opinions, you devalue your own worth.

这就是为什么你要遮盖痘痘，坚持在每张照片中都展示自己好看的那一侧。你正在贬低真实的自己。同样地，这也是你在会议上不敢发言的原因。在网上，你害怕看起来糟糕；在工作中，你害怕听起来不好。你害怕别人看到或听到真实的你后会怎么想，因为你更重视他们的看法，而不是你对自己的评价。

And that's why you cover up your acne and insist on standing on your good side in every photo. You're devaluing yourself as you are. And this is the same reason why you don't speak up in meetings. Or online, you're afraid to look bad, and at work, you're afraid to sound bad. You're afraid of what other people will think if they see or hear the real you because you place more value on what they think than on what you think of yourself.

每次你编辑帖子、在课堂或工作中保持沉默、或者躲在合照的后面，你知道你在做什么吗？自我拒绝。这就是正在发生的事情。虽然很微妙，但却是真实的，因为正是你在告诉自己：现在的你还不够好。

And every time you edit a post or you stay silent in class or at work or you hide in the back of a group photo, you know what you're engaging in? Self rejection. That's what's happening. And it's subtle. But it's true because you're the one telling yourself you're not good enough as you are.

是你自己没有看到自己的价值。不断的质疑、编辑、删除、过度思考、询问别人‘这样好看吗？’——这些只会放大你的自我怀疑，因为正是你在质疑自己的价值。关于这个话题的大部分建议都很糟糕。大多数人告诉你要停止在意别人的看法，但没人告诉你怎么做。

You're the one who doesn't see your own value. The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, asking other people, does this look good? It only magnifies your self doubt because you're the one questioning your worth. And most advice on this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just stop caring about what other people think, but no one tells you how.

是时候尝试一种新的方法了。这就是‘让他们理论’可以帮助你彻底消除这种恐惧的地方。给别人自由，让他们对你有负面看法。让别人看不到你的价值。这是一个极其美妙的想法，它将释放你的自信，解放你的自我表达，并将你推向人生的全新篇章。

It's time for a new approach. This is where the let them theory helps you squash this fear once and for all. Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let people not see your worth. This is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence, it will free your self expression and catapult you into a whole new chapter of your life.

给予人们自由，让他们对你有负面看法。让他们去吧。因为在你能够允许别人对你有负面看法之前，你将很难对自己产生积极看法。因为你一直忙于管理别人的想法，又怎能重视你对自己的看法呢？以下是你的责任所在。

Give people the freedom to think something negative about you. Let them. Because until you can let people think something negative about you, you're going to have trouble thinking positive about yourself. Because you've been so busy managing what other people think, how could you value what you think about yourself? Here's what you are responsible for.

与其把所有时间浪费在他们身上，不如专注于自己。你的责任是即使别人不认可，也要认识到自己的价值。你的责任是建立你的梦想、事业和生活，不是为了取悦他人，而是为了让自己满意、实现自我，以让你自豪的方式生活。这样你才会感到有价值。你的责任是以诚信、一致性和努力展现自己。

Instead of wasting all your time on them, focus on yourself. You're responsible for recognizing your own value even when other people don't. You're responsible for building your dreams, your career, your life, not to impress other people, but in order to impress yourself, to fulfill yourself, to live your life in a way that makes you proud. That's how you feel worthy. You're responsible for showing up with integrity, consistency, and effort.

不是因为你欠任何人，而是因为你值得为自己的生活方式感到骄傲。事实上，你欠自己一个交代。如果你还不信服，不妨看看这项研究。研究员克里斯托弗·萨拉索利及其团队与组织效能小组分析了100多项关于动机的研究，随后在《动机与情感》期刊上发表了他们的发现。他们总共研究了108项研究，涉及数万人，追踪了在现实世界中感觉有能力、有联系、有掌控感如何影响表现。

Not because you owe it to anybody else, but because you deserve to be proud of the way you live. In fact, you owe it to yourself. And in case you're not convinced yet, just check out this research. Researcher Christopher Sarasoli and his team with the Group for Organizational Effectiveness analyzed over 100 studies on motivation, and then they published what they found in motivation and emotion. They looked at 108 studies altogether, tens of thousands of people, tracking how feeling capable, connected, in control affects performance in the real world.

事实证明，当你从内心获得动力时，意味着你为自己做得更好的动力，你会表现得更好，好得多。质量大幅提升。而当你把表现与外在事物挂钩，比如金钱、赞美或他人的认可时，你内心的那道光和那份热情就会开始黯淡。你必须为自己看见它。让他们看不见也无妨。

Now, it turns out when you're motivated from the inside, meaning you're motivated to do better for you, you do better, way better. Quality goes way up. When you tie your performance on the other hand to things outside of you like cash or praise or approval from somebody else, that light and that fire within you, it starts to dim. You got to see it for you. Let them not see it.

那不是你的责任。你的责任是你自己看见并相应行动。根据德克萨斯大学Kristin Neff博士的研究（发表在《自我与认同》期刊上），你越是将自我价值与外部验证、他人意见、别人对你的看法绑定，你的情绪就越不稳定。天啊。

That's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is you seeing it and acting accordingly. And according to research by Doctor. Kristin Neff of the University of Texas, this was published in Self and Identity, the more you tie your self worth to external validation, to other people's opinions, to what other people think about you, the more emotionally unstable you become. Holy smokes.

事实证明，依赖内部自我价值来源的人，那些认为自身价值稳定而不依赖外界赞美或批评的人，更具韧性。你更少焦虑，长期来看，也更为成功。看，秘诀不是获得更多掌声，而是少在乎谁在鼓掌。只要你在为自己鼓掌，你就是赢家。

Turns out, people who rely on internal sources of self worth, people who see their value as stable and not dependent on praise from the outside or criticism, you're more resilient. You're less anxious, and over time, way more successful. See, the secret isn't getting more applause. It's caring less about who's clapping. And as long as you're clapping for yourself, you're winning.

让他们在背后议论我吧。让我打造一些能让自己自豪的东西。让他们怀疑我吧。让我持续出现，因为我为自己而出现。我不是为这些可能鼓掌也可能不鼓掌的人出现——谁在乎呢？

Let them talk behind my back. Let me build something I can be proud of. Let them doubt me. Let me keep showing up because I'm showing up for me. I'm not showing up for these people that might clap, might not who cares?

我在为自己鼓掌。让他们认为我不够好。让我知道自己足够好。证据就在于我如何出现，因为我为自己而出现。所以，让今天的对话成为你的觉醒呼唤吧。

I'm clapping. Let them think I'm not enough. Let me know I am. And the proof is in how I show up because I show up for me. So let this conversation today be your wake up call.

你掌握主动权。这种认识不是谴责，而是解放。我的意思是，知道你不为他人负责，这难道不不可思议吗？你不为他们的幸福负责。你不为解决他们的问题负责。

You're in charge. And this realization is not a condemnation, it's a liberation. I mean, isn't it incredible to know that you're not responsible for other people? You're not responsible for their happiness. You're not responsible for solving their problems.

你不为让他们理解负责。你当然也不为强迫他们看见你的价值负责。你只为你自己负责。知道别人无法像几十年来在我案例中那样影响你和浪费你的时间，这难道不不可思议吗？知道人们可以说和做他们想做的事，这难道不解放吗？

You're not responsible for making them understand. And you're certainly not responsible for forcing them to see your worth. You're responsible for you. Isn't it incredible to know that others can't affect you and waste your time the way that they have in my case for decades? Isn't it liberating to know that people can say and do what they want?

他们可以取笑，可以质疑，而你却能不为所动？能够掌控自己是多么美妙的事情？能够选择将时间和精力投入何处，能够决定对什么说‘是’、对什么说‘不’，这难道不令人难以置信吗？夺回你的力量意味着重新承担起对自己生活的责任。

They can make fun, they can doubt, and you're gonna be unbothered? How amazing is it that you get to be in control? How unbelievable that you get to choose what you're gonna pour your time and energy into? What you get to say yes to and what you get to say no to? Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life.

这意味着对自己要求更高，因为时间在流逝。就像我一样，你已经浪费了太多时间在无关紧要的事情上担忧，为那些本不该你负责的事情承担责任。这意味着要像激光一样专注于你能控制的事情，对那些你无法控制、从一开始就不该是你问题的事情，连一秒钟都不要浪费。如果没有人告诉你，作为你的朋友，我一定要告诉你：我爱你，并且我相信你有能力创造更好的生活。当你开始运用我们谈论的一切，停止为那些本不该你管理的事情承担责任时，我向你保证，我的朋友，你的生活将会变得好得多。

It means demanding more of yourself because time is ticking. And like me, you've wasted enough of it worrying about things that don't matter and taking responsibility for things that were never yours to manage. And it means being laser focused on the things you can control and not giving a single second to the things that you can't and that were never your problem to begin with. And in case no one else tells you, as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And the second you start using everything we talked about to stop taking responsibility for things that were never yours to manage, I promise you, my friend, your life is going to get so much better.

我知道你也明白这是真的。好啦。我们下一期节目再见。我会在你点击播放的那一刻等着迎接你。到时候见。

And I know you know that's true too. Alrighty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

哎呀。她累了。另外，等一下。再往上一点。抱歉。

Oopsie. And she's tired. And in addition to kind of hold on a second. Keep go up one more time. I'm sorry.

今天我得找找状态，会有很多次失败的开始。好了。再来一次。这次会是今天的成功版本。12345。

We're gonna have a bunch of false starts till I get in the groove today. Alright. One more time. This is gonna be our winner today. 12345.

让我喝口水。或者可能是这样。你在一段关系中，而你...等一下。让他们从生活中学习。现在让我打个嗝。

Let me take a sip of water. Or maybe it looks like this. You're in a relationship and you're hold on a second. Let them learn from life. And let me burp right now.

好的。抱歉。有只苍蝇或者什么东西一直在我脸上飞来飞去。看看它会不会落下来。像是只小果蝇。

Okay. Sorry. I've got a fly or a thing that keeps flying all over my face here. Let's see if it comes down. It's like a little, fruit fly.

我觉得它已经到处都是，现在应该消失了。我们继续吧。好的。很好。很好。

It's been all over the I think it's gone now. Let's keep going. Alright. Great. Great.

好的。谢谢大家。哦，还有一件事。不，这不是花絮。这是法律声明。

Okay. Thanks, everybody. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.

你知道，律师写的那些东西，我需要读给你听。本播客仅供教育和娱乐目的。我只是你的朋友。我不是持证治疗师，本播客不能替代医生、专业教练、心理治疗师或其他合格专业人士的建议。明白了吗？

You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it?

很好。我们下期节目再见。天狼星XM播客。

Good. I'll see you in the next episode. SiriusXM Podcasts.