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这是《纽约客》杂志的纽约客小说播客。
This is the New Yorker fiction podcast from The New Yorker magazine.
我是黛博拉·特雷斯曼，《纽约客》的小说编辑。
I'm Deborah Treisman, fiction editor at The New Yorker.
每个月，我们都会邀请一位作家从杂志档案中挑选一篇小说来朗读和讨论。
Each month, we invite a writer to choose a story from the magazine's archives to read and discuss.
这个月，我们将听到雷蒙德·卡弗的《大象》，这篇小说发表于1986年6月的《纽约客》。
This month, we're going to hear Elephant by Raymond Carver, which appeared in The New Yorker in June 1986.
我们又聊了一会儿，主要是关于我们母亲和她的问题。
We talked a little more, mostly about our mother and her problems.
长话短说，我还是把钱寄给了他。
But to make a long story short, I sent him the money.
我不得不这么做。
I had to.
至少我觉得我必须这么做，这其实是一回事。
I felt I had to, at any rate, which amounts to the same thing.
这个故事由米里亚姆·托伊斯挑选，她是10本书的作者，包括小说《我所有的悲伤》和《女人们的谈话》，以及回忆录《非和平的休战》。
The story was chosen by Miriam Toews, who is the author of 10 books, including the novels All My Puny Sorrows and Women Talking, and the memoir A Truce That Is Not Peace.
你好，米里亚姆。
Hi, Miriam.
你好，黛博拉。
Hi, Deborah.
那么你能告诉我，今天为什么想读雷蒙德·卡佛的故事吗？
So can you tell me what made you want to read a story by Raymond Carver today?
他对你作为一名读者和作家来说意味着什么？
What has he meant to you as a reader and a writer?
嗯，我最近没怎么读他的作品，但我年轻时读过他很多故事，你知道，就是刚上大学那会儿。
Well, I haven't read a lot of his stuff, recently, but I read so many of his stories when I was young, you know, a teenager starting out first year university.
而且，你知道，我当时是个年轻的家长。
And, you know, I was a young parent.
我很早就有了孩子。
I had kids when I was really young.
我当时身无分文。
I was broke.
我当时正想着要成为一名作家。
I was thinking that I wanted to be a writer.
我只是觉得，对他稍有了解后，我们有很多相似的生活经历。
There were I just felt, knowing a little bit about him, that we had a lot of similar Similar life.
是啊。
Yeah.
我们确实有着相似的人生轨迹。
We kinda had the similar life.
嗯，是的。
And, yeah.
所以，当需要选择一篇故事来朗读时，我突然想到，我一直很喜爱雷蒙德·卡佛的小说，它们对我意义重大，尤其在我年轻时，当我梦想成为作家的时候，我深深被他独特的文风所打动。
So, you know, having to choose a story to to read, it it occurred to me that, yeah, I'd always loved Raymond Carver's stories and that they had meant so much to me, especially, you know, when I was younger and when I was sort of dreaming of becoming a writer and how I was so struck by his, his style, I guess.
尽管这篇《大象》是他晚年创作的，就在他去世前不久，与早期作品风格迥异。
Even though this story, Elephant, it was written later in his life really shortly before he he died, and it's it's different than those earlier stories.
它更松散、更有趣一些。
It's kind of looser and funnier.
嗯。
Mhmm.
所以那时候，你在读那些经典作品，比如《大教堂》里的故事，对吧。
So back then, you were reading the the sort of classics, the stories in Cathedral or Yeah.
没错。
Exactly.
早期的书。
Earlier books.
对。
Right.
那你是否觉得，你对那种早期风格的亲近感比对后期风格更强呢？
And do you feel, you know, more of an affinity with that style than with this later style?
不。
No.
我对这种后期的风格更有共鸣，那种松散感，或者说句子之间的空气感、留白，给人一种更宽广、更宏大的视角空间。
I feel more of an affinity with this later style and the kind of looseness or the or the the air, the space between the sentences is something where there's just a kind of room for for feeling a kind of just a sort of broader, bigger lens.
对。
Right.
而且我觉得这个故事比早期作品有更多重复的空间。
It also I think there's more room for for repetition in this story than there was Yeah.
在早期作品中。
In the earlier work.
是的。
Yeah.
确实如此。
That's true.
没错。
Yeah.
你能感觉到他这次更从容了些。
You can you can sort of sense that he's, you know, taking his time a little bit more.
是啊。
Yeah.
我是说，仔细想想还挺有意思的。
I mean, it's interesting when you think about it.
卡佛的创作生涯并不长。
Carver did not have a very long writing life.
确实。
Exactly.
他在1976年出版了第一部短篇小说集，1988年就去世了。
He he published his first story collection in 1976, and he died in 1988.
所以《大象》出版于1986年，嗯。
So Elephant coming out 1986 Mhmm.
你知道，那时已是他写作的第十个年头，但几乎接近尾声了。
You know, was ten years in, but it was almost at the end.
我明白。
I know.
想想大多数人，你知道的，写作生涯能延续数十年，但他却英年早逝。
And you think of most people as, you know, writing over decades, but he he died very young.
是啊。
Yeah.
确实如此。
He did.
而他在这十年间所取得的成就，简直令人难以置信。
And and and what he packed into those ten years is quite incredible.
完全同意。
Absolutely.
好的，我们会在朗读结束后继续讨论。
Well, we'll talk some more after the reading.
现在有请米里亚姆·托伊斯为我们朗读雷蒙德·卡佛的《大象》。
And now here's Miriam Toews reading Elephant by Raymond Carver.
《大象》。
Elephant.
我早知道把钱给我弟弟是个错误。
I knew it was a mistake to let my brother have the money.
我不想再让别人欠我钱了。
I didn't need anybody else owing me.
但当他打电话说付不起房贷时，我能怎么办？
But when he called and said he couldn't make the payment on his house, what could I do?
我从未去过他家。
I'd never been inside his house.
他住在千里之外的加利福尼亚。
He lived a thousand miles away in California.
我甚至没见过他的房子，但我不想让他失去它。
I'd never even seen his house, but I didn't want him to lose it.
他在电话里哭着说，他即将失去所有努力得来的一切。
He cried over the phone and said he was losing everything he'd worked for.
他说他会还我的。
He said he'd pay me back.
他说是二月份。
February, he said.
也许会更早。
Maybe sooner.
总之不会晚于三月。
No later, anyway, than March.
他说他的所得税退税已经在路上了。
He said his income tax refund was on the way.
他还说有个小投资会在二月份到期。
Plus, he said, he had a little investment that would mature in February.
他对投资的事神神秘秘的，所以我也没追问细节。
He acted secretive about the investment thing, so I didn't press for details.
他说：在这件事上相信我。
Trust me on this, he said.
我不会让你失望的。
I won't let you down.
去年七月他失业了，因为他工作的那家玻璃纤维绝缘材料工厂决定裁员200人。
He'd lost his job last July when the company he worked for, a fiberglass insulation plant, decided to lay off 200 employees.
从那以后他一直靠失业救济金生活，但现在救济金用完了，积蓄也花光了，而且他不再有医疗保险。
He'd been living on his unemployment since then, but now the unemployment was gone, and his savings were gone too, and he didn't have health insurance any longer.
工作一丢，保险也就没了。
When his job went, the insurance went.
他妻子比他大十岁，患有糖尿病需要治疗。
His wife, who was ten years older, was diabetic and needed treatment.
他不得不卖掉另一辆车——他妻子的旧旅行车，一周前他还当掉了自己的电视机。
He'd had to sell the other car, her car, an old station wagon, and a week ago he'd pawned his TV.
他告诉我，他扛着电视机在当铺街上走来走去时伤了背。
He told me he'd hurt his back carrying the TV up and down the street where the pawn shops did business.
他说他一家家店比价，想争取最好的报价。
He went from place to place, he said, trying to get the best offer.
最后有人出价100美元买走了他那台大索尼电视。
Somebody finally gave him a $100 for it, this big Sony TV.
他跟我讲了电视的事，又说起自己扭伤了背，好像这样就能打动我似的，除非我是铁石心肠。
He told me about the TV and then about throwing his back out as if this ought to cinch it with me, unless I had a stone in place of a heart.
我已经走投无路了，他说，但你能帮我渡过难关。
I've gone belly up, he said, but you can help me pull out of it.
要多少？
How much?
我说。
I said.
500。
500.
多点更好。
I could use more.
当然。
Sure.
谁不想呢？
Who couldn't?
他说。
He said.
但我想现实一点。
But I wanna be realistic.
我可以还500。
I can pay back 500.
超过这个数，我就实话告诉你。
More than that, I'll tell you the truth.
我不太确定。
I'm not so sure.
兄弟，我真不想开口，但你是我最后的指望了。
Brother, I hate to ask, but you're my last resort.
我和艾玛·吉恩很快就要流落街头了。
Irma Jean and I are going to be on the street before long.
我不会让你失望的，他说。
I won't let you down, he said.
他就是这么说的。
That's what he said.
这些都是他的原话。
Those were his exact words.
我们又聊了一会儿，主要是关于母亲和她遇到的困难。
We talked a little more, mostly about our mother and her problems.
长话短说，我还是把钱寄给了他。
But to make a long story short, I sent him the money.
我不得不这么做。
I had to.
至少我觉得必须这样做，这其实是一回事。
I felt I had to, at any rate, which amounts to the same thing.
寄支票时我附了封信，让他把钱还给他同住一镇的母亲——她既贫穷又贪婪。
I wrote him a letter when I sent the check and said he should pay the money back to her mother who lived in the same town he lived in and who was poor and greedy.
三年来无论晴雨，我每月都准时给她寄支票。
I'd been mailing checks to her every month, rain or shine, for three years.
但我当时在想，如果他把欠我的钱还给她，或许能让我暂时摆脱这个负担，喘口气。
But I was thinking that if he paid her the money he owed me, it might take me off the hook there and let me breathe for a while.
至少接下来几个月我都不用为这件事操心了。
I wouldn't have to worry on that score for a couple of months anyway.
而且说实话，我觉得既然他们住在同一个镇上，时不时能见面，他更有可能把钱还给她。
Also, and this is the truth, I thought maybe he'd be more likely to pay her since they lived right there in the same town, and he saw her from time to time.
我只是想方设法给自己留条后路。
All I was doing was trying to cover myself some way.
问题是，他可能确实打算还钱给我，但有时事情就是会出意外。
The thing is, he might have the best intentions of paying me back, but things happen sometimes.
再好的打算也抵不过现实的阻碍。
Things get in the way of best intentions.
俗话说得好，眼不见心不烦。
Out of sight, out of mind, as they say.
但他总不会连自己母亲的钱都赖掉。
But he wouldn't stiff his own mother.
没人会那么做。
Nobody would do that.
我花了好几个小时写信，确保每个人都清楚可以期待什么以及需要做什么。
I spent hours writing letters, trying to make sure everybody knew what could be expected and what was required.
我甚至给我母亲打了好几次电话，试图向她解释清楚。
I even phoned out there to my mother several times, trying to explain it to her.
但她对整个交易都心存疑虑。
But she was suspicious over the whole deal.
我在电话里一步一步跟她解释，但她仍然怀疑。
I went through it with her on the phone, step by step, but she was still suspicious.
我告诉她原本3月1日和4月1日该由我支付的钱，现在会由欠我钱的比利来支付。
I told her the money that was supposed to come from me on the March 1 and on the April 1 would instead come from Billy, who owed the money to me.
她会拿到钱，完全不用担心。
She'd get her money and she didn't have to worry.
唯一的区别就是那两个月将由比利代替我支付给她。
The only difference was that Billy would pay it to her those two months instead of me.
他会把我通常寄给她的钱直接付给她，而不是先寄给我，再由我转寄给她。
He'd pay her the money I'd normally be sending to her, but instead of him mailing it to me and then me having to turn around and send it to her, he'd pay it to her directly.
无论如何，她都不必担心。
On any account, she didn't have to worry.
她会拿到她的钱。
She'd get her money.
但那两个月，钱是来自他，来自他欠我的钱。
But for those two months, it had come from him, from the money he owed me.
天啊，我都不知道花了多少电话费。
My God, I don't know how much I spent on phone calls.
我真希望每写一封信都能赚50美分，告诉他我告诉她的内容，告诉她从他那里能0得到什么，诸如此类的事情。
And I wish I had 50¢ for every letter I wrote, telling him what I told her and telling her what to expect from him, that sort of thing.
但我妈妈不信任比利。
But my mother didn't trust Billy.
如果他不能按时支付，怎么办？
What if he can't come up with it?
她在电话里对我说。
She said to me over the phone.
那怎么办？
What then?
他情况很糟，我为他感到难过，她说。
He's in bad shape, and I'm sorry for him, she said.
但是儿子，我想知道的是，如果他付不起钱给我怎么办？
But son, what I wanna know is, what if he isn't able to pay me?
如果他付不起呢？
What if he can't?
那怎么办？
Then what?
那我就自己付给你，我说，和往常一样。
Then I'll pay you myself, I said, just like always.
如果他不付钱给你，我来付给你。
If he doesn't pay you, I'll pay you.
但他会付钱给你的。
But he'll pay you.
别担心。
Don't worry.
他说他会付，就一定会付。
He says he will and he will.
我不想担心，她说。
I don't wanna worry, she said.
但我还是忍不住担心。
But I worry anyway.
我担心我的儿子们，然后，我也担心我自己。
I worry about my boys, and after that, I worry about myself.
我从没想过会看到自己的儿子落到这般田地。
I never thought I'd see one of my boys in this shape.
我真庆幸你父亲没活着看到这一幕。
I'm just glad your dad isn't alive to see it.
三个月里，我弟弟把欠我的50美元给了她，或者说本该给她的，也许他给了她75美元。
In three months, my brother gave her $50 of what he owed me and was supposed to pay to her, or maybe it was $75 he gave her.
说法有出入。
There are conflicting stories.
两种互相矛盾的说法，他的和她的。
Two conflicting stories, his and hers.
但这就是他在550美元里付给她的全部，或者按你想听谁的说法，是75美元。
But that's all he paid her of the $550 or else $75 according to whose story you wanna listen to.
剩下的差额我得给她补上。
I had to make up the rest to her.
我不得不继续掏钱，一如既往。
I had to keep shelling out, same as always.
我弟弟完蛋了。
My brother was finished.
他就是这么告诉我的，说他完蛋了。
That's what he told me, that he was finished.
当我母亲打电话来要钱后，我打电话询问情况时。
When I called to see what was up after my mother had phoned looking for her money.
我母亲说，我让邮差回去检查卡车里，看你的信是不是掉在座位后面了。
My mother said, I made the mailman go back and check inside his truck to see if your letter might have fallen down behind the seat.
然后我四处询问邻居，他们是否误收了我的邮件。
Then I went around and asked the neighbors, did they get any of my mail by mistake?
亲爱的，我为这事担心得快疯了。
I'm going crazy with worry about this situation, honey.
然后她说，一个母亲该怎么想呢？
Then she said, what's a mother supposed to think?
在这件事上，谁在为她争取最大利益？
Who was looking out for her best interests in this business?
她想知道这一点。
She wanted to know that.
她还想知道什么时候能拿到她的钱。
And she wanted to know when she could expect her money.
于是我立刻打电话给我弟弟，想看看这只是简单的延迟还是彻底的崩溃。
So that's when I got on the phone to my brother to see if this was just a simple delay or a full fledged collapse.
但据比利说，他已经完蛋了。
But according to Billy, he was a goner.
他彻底没救了。
He was absolutely done for.
他准备立即把房子挂牌出售。
He was putting his house on the market immediately.
他只希望自己没有等太久才尝试卖掉它。
He just hoped he hadn't waited too long to try and move it.
而且房子里已经没有任何可以变卖的东西了。
And there wasn't anything left inside the house that he could sell.
除了厨房的桌椅，他把所有东西都卖掉了。
He'd sold off everything except the kitchen table and chairs.
他说，我真希望能卖血。
I wish I could sell my blood, he said.
但谁会买呢？
But who'd buy it?
以我的运气，我可能得了不治之症。
With my luck, I probably have an incurable disease.
自然，投资那件事也没成。
And naturally, the investment thing hadn't worked out.
我在电话里问他时，他只说这事没成。
When I asked him about it over the phone, all he said was that it hadn't materialized.
他的退税也没
His tax refund didn't make it either.
国税局对他的退税有某种留置权。
The IRS had some kind of lean on his return.
祸不单行，他说，对不起，兄弟。
When it rains, it pours, he said, I'm sorry, brother.
我没想让这事发生。
I didn't mean for this to happen.
我理解，我说了，也确实如此。
I understand, I said, and I did.
但这并没有让事情变得容易些。
But it didn't make it any easier.
总之，这样那样的事情发生后，我没从他那里拿到钱，我母亲也没有。
Anyway, one thing and the other, I didn't get my money from him and neither did my mother.
我不得不继续每月给她寄钱。
I had to keep on sending her money every month.
我很恼火，是的，谁能不恼火呢？
I was sore, yes, who wouldn't be?
我为他感到难过，真希望麻烦没有找上他。
My heart went out to him and I wished trouble hadn't knocked on his door.
但现在我自己也陷入了困境。
But my own back was against the wall now.
不过至少，无论他今后发生什么，都不会再来向我要钱了，毕竟他还欠着我的债。
At least though, whatever happens to him from here on, he won't come back to me for more money, seeing as how he still owes me.
没人会那样对你。
Nobody would do that to you.
至少我当时是这么想的，可见我有多天真。
That's how I figured anyway, but that's how little I knew.
我埋头苦干。
I kept my nose to the grindstone.
我每天早起去上班，整天拼命工作。
I got up early every morning and went to work and worked hard all day.
回到家后，我一屁股陷进大椅子里，就那么呆坐着。
When I came home, I plopped into the big chair and just sat there.
我累得连解鞋带都要缓好一会儿。
I was so tired, it took me a while to get around to unlacing my shoes.
然后我就继续那么坐着。
Then I just went on sitting there.
我累得甚至没力气起身开电视。
I was too tired to even get up and turn on the TV.
我为弟弟的困境感到难过，但我自己也有烦恼。
I was sorry about my brother's troubles, but I had troubles of my own.
除了母亲，我还要供养其他几个人。
In addition to my mother, I had several other people on my payroll.
我有个前妻，每个月都得给她寄钱。
I had a former wife I was sending money to every month.
我不得不这么做。
I had to do that.
我不愿意，但法院判决我必须支付。
I didn't want to, but the court said I had to.
我还有个住在贝灵汉的女儿，带着两个孩子，每个月也得给她寄钱。
And I had a daughter with two kids in Bellingham, and I had to send her something every month.
孩子们总得吃饭，不是吗？
Her kids had to eat, didn't they?
她跟个猪猡住在一起，那家伙连工作都懒得找，就算把工作送到他手里也干不长。
She was living with a swine who wouldn't even look for work, a guy who couldn't hold a job if they handed him one.
他偶尔找到工作的那一两次，不是睡过头就是车子在上班路上抛锚，要么就是毫无理由地被解雇，事情就这样不了了之。
The time or two he did find something, he overslept or his car broke down on the way into work, or else he'd just be let go, no explanation, and that was that.
很久以前，当我还会用男人的方式思考这些问题时，我曾威胁要杀了那个家伙。
Once, long ago, when I used to think like a man about these things, I threatened to kill that guy.
不过这些都不重要了。
But that's neither here nor there.
况且，那时候我还在酗酒。
Besides, I was drinking in those days.
总之，那个混蛋至今还在我女儿身边晃悠。
In any case, the bastard is still hanging around.
我女儿会写信告诉我，她和孩子们只能靠燕麦粥度日。
My daughter would write these letters and say how they were living on oatmeal, she and her kids.
我想那个家伙也在挨饿，但她很聪明，在给我的信里从不提那人的名字。
I guess he was starving too, but she knew better than to mention that guy's name in her letters to me.
她总是说，只要我能帮她熬到夏天，情况就会好转。
She'd tell me that if I could just carry her until summer, things would pick up for her.
她确信到了夏天，情况就会好转。
Things would turn around for her, she was sure, in the summer.
就算其他都不顺利——但她相信不会的——她还有好几条后路。
If nothing else worked out, but she was sure it would, she had several irons in the fire.
她随时可以在离家不远的鱼罐头厂找到工作。
She could always get a job in the fish cannery that was not far from where she lived.
她会穿着橡胶靴、橡胶衣和手套，把鲑鱼装进罐头。
She'd wear rubber boots and rubber clothes and gloves and pack salmon into cans.
或者她可以在路边摆摊，向排队等候进入加拿大的车里的人卖沙士汽水。
Or else she might sell root beer from a vending stand beside the road to people who lined up in their cars at the border waiting to get into Canada.
大夏天的，坐在车里的人肯定会口渴。
People sitting in their cars in the middle of summer were going to be thirsty.
对吧？
Right?
他们肯定会嚷嚷着要喝冷饮。
They were going to be crying out for cold drinks.
总之，无论她决定从事哪一行，夏天她都能过得不错。
Anyway, one thing or the other, whatever line of work she decided on, she'd do fine in the summer.
她只需要坚持到那个时候，而这就是我介入的原因。
She just had to make it until then, and that's where I came in.
我女儿说她知道自己必须改变生活。
My daughter said she knew she had to change her life.
她想和其他人一样自力更生。
She wanted to stand on her own two feet like everyone else.
她不想再把自己当成受害者。
She wanted to quit looking at herself as a victim.
我不是受害者，有天晚上她在电话里对我说。
I'm not a victim, she said to me over the phone one night.
我只是个带着两个孩子、和一个混蛋同居的年轻女人，和其他许多女人没什么不同。
I'm just a young woman with two kids and a son of a bitch bum who lives with me, no different from lots of other women.
我不怕吃苦。
I'm not afraid of hard work.
只要给我一个机会。
Just give me a chance.
这就是我对这个世界的全部请求。
That's all I ask of the world.
她说她自己可以凑合着过。
She said she could do without for herself.
但在转机到来之前，在机会降临之前，她最担心的是孩子们。
But until her break came, until opportunity knocked, it was the kids she worried about.
她说孩子们总是问她外公什么时候来看他们。
The kids were always asking her when grandpop was going to visit, she said.
此时此刻，他们正在画一年前我来看望时住的那家汽车旅馆里的秋千和游泳池。
Right this minute, they were drawing pictures of the swing sets and swimming pool at the motel I'd stayed in when I'd visited a year ago.
但她说夏天才是关键。
But summer was the thing, she said.
如果能撑到夏天，她的麻烦就都结束了。
If she could make it until summer, her troubles would be over.
到时候情况就会好转。
Things would change then.
她知道一定会的。
She knew they would.
只要我稍加援手，她就能挺过去。
And with a little help from me, she could make it.
没有你我真不知道该怎么办，爸爸。
I don't know what I'd do without you, dad.
她是这么说的。
That's what she said.
这话几乎让我心碎。
It nearly broke my heart.
当然，我必须帮她。
Sure, I had to help her.
能帮上她一点忙，我都感到欣慰。
I was glad to be even halfway in a position to help her.
我有工作，不是吗？
I had a job, didn't I?
和她以及家里其他人相比，我过得相当不错。
Compared to her and everyone else in my family, I had it made.
和其他人比起来，我简直生活在蜜罐里。
Compared to the rest, I lived on Easy Street.
我寄去了她要的钱。
I sent the money she asked for.
每次她要钱，我都如数寄去。
I sent money every time she asked.
然后我告诉她，我觉得不如每月一号固定寄一笔钱——数目不大，但总归是钱——这样更省事。
And then I told her I thought it'd be simpler if I just sent a sum of money, not a whole lot, but money even so, on the first of each month.
这笔钱她可以放心依靠，完全属于她和孩子们，与旁人无关。
It would be money she could count on, and it would be her money, no one else's, hers and the kids.
至少我是这么希望的。
That's what I hoped for anyway.
我真希望能确保和她同居的那个混蛋碰不到用我的钱买的哪怕一个橙子或一片面包，但我做不到。
I wish there was some way I could be sure the bastard who lived with her couldn't get his hands on so much as an orange or a piece of bread that my money bought, but I couldn't.
我只能继续寄钱，不再担心他会不会很快就能享用我买的鸡蛋和饼干。
I just had to go ahead and send the money and stop worrying about whether he'd soon be tucking into a plate of my eggs and biscuits.
我的母亲、女儿和前妻。
My mother and my daughter and my former wife.
光这三个人就已经在花我的钱了，还不包括我弟弟。
That's three people on the payroll right there, not counting my brother.
但我儿子也需要钱。
But my son needed money too.
他高中毕业后就收拾行李离开了母亲家，去了东部的一所大学。
After he graduated from high school, he packed his things, left his mother's house, and went to a college back east.
竟然是新罕布什尔州的一所大学。
A college in New Hampshire, of all places.
谁听说过新罕布什尔州啊？
Who's ever heard of New Hampshire?
但他是家族中第一个想上大学的孩子，两边家族都是如此，所以大家都觉得这是个好主意。
But he was the first kid in the family on either side of the family to even want to go to college, so everybody thought it was a good idea.
起初我也是这么想的。
I thought so too at first.
我哪知道最后会让我倾家荡产？
How'd I know it was going to wind up costing me an arm and a leg?
他到处向银行借钱维持生计。
He borrowed left and right from the banks to keep himself going.
他不想边打工边上学。
He didn't wanna have to work a job and go to school at the same time.
他是这么说的。
That's what he said.
当然，我想我能理解。
And sure, I guess I can understand it.
某种程度上，我甚至感同身受。
In a way, I can even sympathize.
谁喜欢工作啊？
Who likes to work?
反正我不喜欢。
I don't.
但当他借遍了所有能借的，包括去德国读大三的费用后，我就不得不开始给他寄钱，而且数目不小。
But after he'd borrowed everything he could, everything in sight, including enough to finance a junior year in Germany, I had to begin sending him money and a lot of it.
当我最终表示无法继续资助时，他回信威胁说，若真如此，他就要去贩毒或抢银行，总之不惜一切手段搞钱维生。
When finally, said I couldn't send anymore, he wrote back and said if that was the case, if that was really the way I felt, he was going to deal drugs or else rob a bank, Whatever he had to do to get money to live on.
他没被枪击或锒铛入狱都算我走运。
I'd be lucky if he wasn't shot or sent to prison.
我只好回信改口，说还是能再挤点钱给他。
I wrote back and said I'd changed my mind and I could send him a little more after all.
不然我还能怎么办？
What else could I do?
我可不想手上沾他的血。
I didn't want his blood on my hands.
我不愿想象我的孩子被关进监狱或遭遇更糟的情况。
I didn't want to think of my kid being packed off to prison or something even worse.
我的良心已经够不安的了。
I had plenty on my conscience as it was.
那是四个人，对吧？
That's four people, right?
还不包括我弟弟，他那时还不算常客。
Not counting my brother, who wasn't a regular yet.
我为此快要发疯了。
I was going crazy with it.
我日夜担忧。
I worried night and day.
我为此夜不能寐。
I couldn't sleep over it.
我每月支出的钱几乎和收入一样多。
I was paying out nearly as much money every month as I was bringing in.
你不需要是个天才或懂经济学，也能明白这种状况无法持续下去。
You don't have to be a genius or know anything about economics to understand that this state of affairs couldn't keep on.
我不得不贷款来维持我的开支。
I had to get a loan to keep up my end of things.
那又增加了一笔月付。
That was another monthly payment.
所以我开始缩减开支。
So I started cutting back.
比如我不得不放弃外出就餐。
I had to quit eating out, for instance.
因为我独居，外出就餐本是我喜欢的事，但这已成为过去式。
Since I lived alone, eating out was something I liked to do, but it became a thing of the past.
在考虑看电影这件事上，我也得约束自己。
And I had to watch myself when it came to thinking about movies.
我不能买新衣服，也没钱修牙。
I couldn't buy clothes or get my teeth fixed.
那辆车都快散架了。
The car was falling apart.
我需要新鞋子。
I needed new shoes.
但想都别想。
But forget it.
偶尔我会受够了这一切，给他们所有人写信，威胁要改名换姓，告诉他们我打算辞职。
Once in a while, I'd get fed up with it and write letters to all of them, threatening to change my name and telling them I was going to quit my job.
我会告诉他们我计划搬到澳大利亚。
I'd tell them I was planning a move to Australia.
问题是，我说要去澳大利亚是认真的，尽管我对澳大利亚一无所知。
And the thing was, I was serious when I'd say that about Australia, even though I didn't know the first thing about Australia.
我只知道它在世界的另一端，而那就是我想去的地方。
I just knew it was on the other side of the world, and that's where I wanted to be.
但真到了紧要关头，他们谁也不相信我真的会去澳大利亚。
But when it came right down to it, none of them really believed I'd go to Australia.
他们吃定我了，他们心知肚明。
They had me, and they knew it.
他们知道我走投无路，虽然嘴上说着抱歉，却都指望着我在月底坐下来开支票前，这场风波就会平息。
They knew I was desperate and they were sorry and they said so, but they counted on it all blowing over before the first of the month when I had to sit down and make out the checks.
在我那封提到要搬去澳大利亚的信寄出后，母亲回信说她不想再成为负担了。
After one of my letters where I talked about moving to Australia, my mother wrote that she didn't want to be a burden any longer.
她说只要腿上的浮肿消退，就立刻出去找工作。
Just as soon as the swelling went down on her legs, she said she was going out to look for work.
虽然已经75岁了，但她说或许还能回去当服务员。
She was 75 years old, but maybe she could go back to waitressing, she said.
我回信让她别犯傻。
I wrote her back and told her not to be silly.
我说很高兴能帮上她，这话是真心的。
I said I was glad I could help her, and I was.
能帮上忙我很高兴。
I was glad I could help.
我只需要中个彩票就好了。
I just needed to win the lottery.
我女儿知道澳大利亚只是我对所有人表示受够了的说法。
My daughter knew Australia was just a way of saying to everybody that I'd had it.
她知道我需要休息，需要些事情来振作精神。
She knew I needed a break and something to cheer me up.
于是她写信说准备把孩子托付给别人，等罐头厂季节工开始就去工作。
So she wrote that she was going to leave her kids with somebody and take the cannery job when the season rolled around.
她说自己年轻力壮。
She was young and strong, she said.
她认为自己能胜任每天12到14小时、每周7天的工作，完全没问题。
She thought she could work the twelve to fourteen hour a day shifts, seven days a week, no problem.
她只需要不断告诉自己能做到，做好心理准备，身体就会跟上。
She'd just have to tell herself she could do it, get herself psyched up for it, and her body would listen.
她只需要找个合适的保姆就行。
She just had to line up the right kind of babysitter.
这才是关键。
That'd be the big thing.
这需要一种特殊的保姆，考虑到工作时间会很长，而且孩子们本来就因为每天吃掉的冰棒、棒棒糖、M&M巧克力豆之类的东西而精力过剩。
It was going to require a special kind of sitter, seeing as how the hours would be long and the kids were hyper to begin with because of all the popsicles and Tootsie Rolls, M and M's, and the like that they put away every day.
这些都是孩子们爱吃的东西。
It's the stuff kids like to eat.
对吧？
Right?
总之，她觉得只要继续找，就能找到合适的人选。
Anyway, she thought she could find the right person if she kept looking.
但她得先买工作靴和工作服，这就是我能帮上忙的地方。
But she had to buy the boots and clothes for the work, and that's where I could help.
我儿子写信说他对自己的所作所为感到抱歉，并认为如果他彻底结束这一切，对我们俩都会更好。
My son wrote that he was sorry for his part and things, and thought he and I would both be better off if he ended it once and for all.
首先，他发现自己对可卡因过敏。
For one thing, he discovered he was allergic to cocaine.
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他说这让他眼泪直流，还影响呼吸。
It made his eyes stream and affected his breathing, he said.
这意味着他无法测试毒品和完成必要的交易。
This meant he couldn't test the drugs and the transactions he needed to make.
所以还没开始，他的毒贩生涯就结束了。
So before it could even begin, his career as a drug dealer was over.
不，他说。
No, he said.
不如太阳穴来颗子弹，就此了结算了。
Better a bullet in the temple and end it all right here.
或者上吊也行。
Or maybe hanging.
这样既省去借枪的麻烦，也省下子弹钱。
That would save him the trouble of borrowing a gun and save us the price of bullets.
信里他真是这么写的，信不信由你。
That's actually what he said in his letter, if you can believe it.
他在信里附了一张自己的照片，是去年夏天参加德国留学项目时别人给他拍的。
He enclosed a picture of himself that somebody had taken last summer when he was in the study abroad program in Germany.
他站在一棵大树下，粗壮的树枝垂下来，离他头顶只有几英尺。
He was standing under a big tree with thick limbs hanging down a few feet over his head.
照片里的他没有笑。
In the picture, he wasn't smiling.
我前妻对此事无话可说。
My former wife didn't have anything to say on the matter.
她本不必如此。
She didn't have to.
她知道每月一号都能收到钱，哪怕要从悉尼千里迢迢汇来。
She knew she'd get her money the first of each month, even if it had to come all the way from Sydney.
要是没收到钱，她只需拿起电话打给律师。
If she didn't get it, she just had to pick up the phone and call her lawyer.
这就是五月初某个周日下午我哥哥打来电话时的情况。
This is where things stood when my brother called one Sunday afternoon in early May.
我敞开着窗户，和煦的微风穿堂而过。
I had the windows open and a nice breeze moved through the house.
收音机正播放着节目。
The radio was playing.
屋后的山坡上鲜花盛开。
The hillside behind the house was in bloom.
但当我听到电话那头他的声音时，却开始冒冷汗。
But I began to sweat when I heard his voice on the line.
自从那500块钱的争执后我就没收到过他的消息，所以我不敢相信他现在又想来向我伸手要钱。
I hadn't heard from him since the dispute over the 500, so I couldn't believe he was going to try and touch me for more money now.
但我还是开始冒汗了。
But I began to sweat anyway.
他问我近况如何，我就开始讲起工资单那些事。
He asked how things stood with me and I launched into the payroll thing and all.
我谈了燕麦片、可卡因、鱼罐头厂、自杀、银行工作，以及我如何不能去看电影或外出吃饭。
I talked about oatmeal, cocaine, fish canneries, suicide, bank jobs, and how I couldn't go to the movies or eat out.
我说我的鞋破了个洞。
I said I had a hole in my shoe.
我谈到那些源源不断支付给我前妻的钱。
I talked about the payments that went on and on to my former wife.
他当然对这些都了如指掌。
He knew all about this, of course.
他知道我告诉他的每一件事。
He knew everything I was telling him.
尽管如此，他还是说听到这些很遗憾。
Still, he said he was sorry to hear it.
我继续说着。
I kept talking.
反正是他付电话费。
It was his dime.
但当他说话时，我开始想，你要怎么支付这通电话的费用呢，比利？
But as he talked, I started thinking, how are you going to pay for this call, Billy?
然后我突然意识到，这通电话得由我来付钱。
Then it came to me that I was going to pay for it.
只需几分钟甚至几秒钟，一切就会尘埃落定。
It was only a matter of minutes or seconds until it was all decided.
我望向窗外。
I looked out the window.
天空湛蓝，点缀着几朵白云。
The sky was blue with a few white clouds in it.
几只鸟儿停在电话线上。
Some birds clung to a telephone wire.
我用袖子擦了擦脸。
I wiped my face on my sleeve.
我不知道还能说些什么。
I didn't know what else I could say.
于是我忽然沉默下来，只是望着窗外的山峦静静等待。
So I suddenly stopped talking and just stared out the window at the mountains and waited.
就在那时，我兄弟开口了，虽然难以启齿，但当他那么说时，我的心直往下沉。
And that's when my brother said, I hate to ask you this, but when he said that, my heart did this sinking thing.
然后他还是问出了口。
And then he went ahead and asked.
这次是一千块。
This time it was a thousand.
一千块。
A thousand.
他的处境比上次打电话时更糟了。
He was worse off than when he'd called that other time.
他向我透露了些细节。
He let me have some details.
讨债的人已经堵在门口了。
The bill collectors were at the door.
门口，他这么说道。
The door, he said.
窗户都在震动。
And the windows rattled.
他们用拳头砸门时，整栋房子都在摇晃。
The house shook when they hammered with their fists.
‘砰砰砰’，他说道。
Blam, blam, blam, he said.
无处可躲。
There was no place to hide from them.
他的房子即将被夺走。
His house was about to be pulled out from under him.
‘帮帮我吧，兄弟’，他说道。
Help me brother, he said.
我上哪儿去凑这一千美元呢？
Where was I going to raise a thousand dollars?
我紧紧握住听筒，转身背对窗户，说道：‘可你上次借的钱还没还我呢。’
I took a good grip on the receiver, turned away from the window, and said, but you didn't pay me back the last time you borrowed money.
那又怎样？
What about that?
‘我没有，’他故作惊讶地说。
I didn't, he said, acting surprised.
我想我以为我已经还了。
I guess I thought I had.
我本来是想还的。
I wanted to anyway.
我尽力了，上帝作证。
I tried to, so help me God.
‘那笔钱你应该给妈妈的，’我说。
You were supposed to pay that money to mom, I said.
但你没有。
But you didn't.
我还是得像往常一样每月给她钱。
I had to keep giving her money every month, same as always.
这没完没了，比利。
There's no end to it, Billy.
听着，我前进一步，却倒退两步。
Listen, I take one step forward and I go two steps back.
我要撑不住了。
I'm going under.
你们都要垮了，还拉着我一起下沉。
You're all going under, and you're pulling me down with you.
我付了她一部分，他说。
I paid her some of it, he said.
我确实给了她一点，特此声明，他说。
I did pay her a little, just for the record, he said.
我给了她一些钱。
I paid her something.
她说你只给了她50美元，仅此而已。
She said you gave her $50 and that was all.
不，他说。
No, he said.
我给了她75块。
I gave her 75.
她忘了另外那25块。
She forgot about the other 25.
有天下午我在那儿，给了她两张十块和一张五块。
I was over there one afternoon, and I gave her 2 tens and a 5.
我给了她现金，她只是忘了这事。
I gave her some cash, and she just forgot about it.
她的记性不行了。
Her memory is going.
听着，他说。
Look, he said.
我保证这次一定会还的。
I promise I'll be good for it this time.
我对天发誓。
I swear to God.
把我还欠你的钱加上这次想借的数目，我会给你开张支票。
Add up what I still owe you and add it to this money here I'm trying to borrow, and I'll send you a check.
我们互相交换支票。
We'll exchange checks.
把我的支票保留两个月。
Hold on to my check for two months.
这就是我的全部请求。
That's all I'm asking.
两个月后我就能渡过难关了。
I'll be out of the woods in two months' time.
到时候你就能拿到钱了。
Then you'll have your money.
我保证7月1日前还清。
July 1, I promise.
不会更晚。
No later.
这次我可以发誓保证。
And this time, I can swear to it.
我们正在出售厄玛·琼之前从她叔叔那里继承的这块小地产。
We're in the process of selling this little piece of property that Irma Jean inherited a while back from her uncle.
实际上已经算是卖出去了。
It's as good as sold.
交易已经敲定了。
The deal's closed.
现在只是处理几个小细节和签署文件的问题。
It's just a question now working at a couple of minor details and signing the papers.
另外，我已经安排好了一份工作。
Plus, I've got this job lined up.
这是确定无疑的。
It's definite.
我每天得往返开50英里，但这不成问题。
I'll have to drive 50 miles round trip every day, but that's no problem.
见鬼，才不。
Hell, no.
有必要的话，开150英里我也愿意。
I'd drive a 150 if I had to.
我很乐意这么做。
I'd be glad to do it.
我是说两个月后我银行里就有钱了。
I'm saying I'll have money in the bank in two months' time.
你最迟7月1日前能拿到钱，全部的钱，你可以放心。
You'll get your money, all of it, by July 1, and you can count on it.
比利，我爱你，我说真的。
Billy, I love you, I said.
但我现在肩上的担子很重。
But I've got a load to carry.
你可能不知道，这些天我背负着非常沉重的负担。
I'm carrying a very heavy load these days, in case you didn't know.
他说，这就是为什么在这件事上我不会让你失望。
That's why I won't let you down on this, he said.
我以名誉向你保证。
You have my word of honor.
在这件事上你完全可以信任我。
You can trust me on this absolutely.
我向你保证，我的支票两个月内一定兑现，绝不会拖延。
I promise you my check will be good in two months, no later.
我只请求给我两个月时间。
Two months is all I'm asking for.
兄弟，我真的走投无路了。
Brother, I don't know where else to turn.
你是我最后的希望了。
You're my last hope.
我确实做到了。
I did it, sure.
出乎意料的是，我在银行还有一点信用额度。
To my surprise, I still had some credit with the bank.
所以我借了钱寄给他。
So I borrowed the money and I sent it to him.
我们的支票在邮寄途中错过了。
Our checks crossed in the mail.
我用图钉把他的支票钉在厨房墙上，挨着日历和我儿子站在那棵树下的照片。
I stuck a thumbtack through his check and put it up on the kitchen wall next to the calendar and the picture of my son standing under that tree.
然后我开始等待。
And then I waited.
我继续等待着。
I kept waiting.
我兄弟写信来，请我不要在我们约定的那天兑现支票。
My brother wrote and asked me not to cash the check on the day we had agreed to.
他说，请再等一段时间。
Please wait a while longer, is what he said.
有些事情突然冒出来了。
Some things had come up.
他之前得到承诺的工作在最后一刻黄了。
The job he'd been promised had fallen through at the last minute.
这就是其中一件突发情况。
That was one thing that came up.
还有他妻子那块小地产最终也没能卖掉。
And that little piece of property belonging to his wife hadn't sold after all.
在最后关头，她改变主意不想卖了。
At the last minute, she'd had a change of heart about selling it.
那块地在她家族手里传了好几代人了。
It had been in her family for generations.
他能怎么办呢？
What could he do?
他说那是她的地，她根本听不进道理。
It was her land and she wouldn't listen to reason, he said.
差不多这时候我女儿打电话来，说有人闯进她的房车把东西全偷光了。
My daughter telephoned around this time to say that somebody had broken into her trailer and ripped her off.
房车里所有东西。
Everything in the trailer.
她在罐头厂上完第一个夜班回家时，发现连一件家具都没剩下。
Every stick of furniture was gone when she came home from work after her first night at the cannery.
甚至连把能坐的椅子都没留。
There wasn't even a chair left for her to sit down on.
她的床也被偷走了。
Her bed had been stolen too.
她说他们得像吉普赛人一样睡地板了。
They were going to have to sleep on the floor like gypsies, she said.
那个谁当时人在哪儿？
Where was what's his name when this happened?
我说。
I said.
她说他那天早些时候出去找工作了。
She said he'd been out looking for work earlier in the day.
她猜他是和朋友在一起。
She guessed he was with friends.
实际上，她不知道案发时他在哪里，甚至现在也不知道。
Actually, she didn't know his whereabouts at the time of the crime, or even right now for that matter.
我希望他沉在河底，她说。
I hope he's at the bottom of the river, she said.
盗窃发生时孩子们正和保姆在一起。
The kids had been with the sitter when the rip off happened.
总之，如果她能从我这里借到足够的钱买些二手家具，她说拿到第一笔工资就会还我。
But anyway, if she could just borrow enough from me to buy some secondhand furniture, she'd pay me back, she said when she got her first check.
如果她能在周末前从我这里拿到钱，也许我可以电汇过去。
If she had some money from me before the end of the week, I could wire it, maybe.
她可以买些生活必需品。
She could pick up some essentials.
她说：‘有人侵犯了我的空间。’
Somebody's violated my space, she said.
我感觉自己像是被强奸了一样。
I feel like I've been raped.
我儿子从新罕布什尔州来信说，他必须回欧洲去。
My son wrote from New Hampshire that it was essential he go back to Europe.
他说他的生命危在旦夕。
His life hung in the balance, he said.
他将在夏季学期结束时毕业，但之后他一天也无法忍受继续生活在美国。
He was graduating at the end of summer session, but he couldn't stand to live in America a day longer after that.
这是一个物质主义的社会，他实在受不了了。
This was a materialist society, and he simply couldn't take it anymore.
在美国这边，人们谈话总离不开钱，他对此感到厌烦。
People over here in The US couldn't hold a conversation unless money figured in it some way, and he was sick of it.
他不是雅皮士，也不想成为雅皮士。
He wasn't a yuppie and didn't wanna become a yuppie.
那不是他的风格。
That wasn't his thing.
他说只要我能最后一次借钱给他买去德国的机票，他就不会再烦我了。
He'd get out of my hair, he said, if he could just borrow enough from me this one last time to buy a ticket to Germany.
我没有收到前妻的任何消息。
I didn't hear anything from my former wife.
我也不需要。
I didn't have to.
我们都知道那边的情况。
We both knew how things stood there.
母亲来信说她不得不放弃穿支撑袜，也没钱染发了。
My mother wrote that she was having to do without support hose and wasn't able to have her hair tinted.
她本以为今年能存些钱以备不时之需，但事与愿违。
She thought this would be the year she could put some money back for the rainy days ahead, but it wasn't working out that way.
她明白这是命中注定的事。
She could see it wasn't in the cards.
你还好吗？
How are you?
她想知道。
She wanted to know.
其他人怎么样？
How's everybody else?
我希望你们都好好的。
I hope you're okay.
我又寄出了几张支票，然后屏住呼吸等待。
I put more checks in the mail, then I held my breath and waited.
等待期间，有天晚上我做了个梦。
While I was waiting, I had this dream one night.
其实是两个梦。
Two dreams, really.
这两个梦我是在同一天晚上做的。
I dreamt them on the same night.
在第一个梦里，我父亲又活过来了，他让我骑在他的肩膀上。
In the first dream, my dad was alive once more and he was giving me a ride on his shoulders.
我还是个小孩，大概五六岁的样子。
I was this little kid, maybe five or six years old.
上来吧，他说。
Get up here, he said.
他抓住我的双手，把我举到了他的肩膀上。
And he took me by the hands and swung me onto his shoulders.
我离地面很高，但我并不害怕。
I was high off the ground, but I wasn't afraid.
他紧紧抓着我。
He was holding onto me.
我们紧紧抓着彼此。
We were holding onto each other.
然后他开始沿着人行道往前走。
Then he began to move down the sidewalk.
我把手从他肩膀上移开，环抱住他的前额。
I brought my hands up from his shoulders and put them around his forehead.
别弄乱我的头发，他说。
Don't muss my hair, he said.
你可以松手了，他说。
You can let go, he said.
我抓着你呢。
I've got you.
你不会掉下去的。
You won't fall.
当他说这话时，我才意识到他双手紧紧握着我的脚踝。
When he said that, I became aware of the strong grip of his hands around my ankles.
然后我真的松开了手。
Then I did let go.
我松开手，将双臂向两侧展开
I turned loose and held my arms out on either side of me.
我保持着这个姿势以保持平衡
I kept them out there like that for balance.
父亲继续走着，我骑在他的肩膀上
My dad went on walking while I rode on his shoulders.
我假装他是一头大象
I pretended he was an elephant.
我不知道我们要去哪里
I don't know where we were going.
也许我们要去商店，或者去公园让他可以推我荡秋千
Maybe we were going to the store or else to the park so he could push me in the swing.
这时我醒了，起床去洗手间
I woke up then, got out of bed, and used the bathroom.
天开始亮了，再过一个小时左右我就该起床了
It was starting to get light out, and it was only an hour or so until I had to get up.
我考虑过煮咖啡和穿衣服，但后来决定还是回到床上。
I thought about making coffee and getting dressed, but then I decided to go back to bed.
不过我并没打算睡觉。
I didn't plan to sleep though.
我想就这么躺着，双手枕在脑后，看着天色渐亮，也许顺便想想我父亲，毕竟很久没想起他了。
I thought I'd just lie there for a while with my hands behind my neck and watch it turn a light out, and maybe think about my dad a little since I hadn't thought about him in a long time.
他早已不再是我生活的一部分，无论是清醒还是睡梦中。
He just wasn't a part of my life any longer, waking or sleeping.
总之我回到床上，但不到一分钟就又睡着了。
Anyway, I got back in bed, but it couldn't have been more than a minute before I fell asleep once more.
睡着后，我做了另一个梦。
And when I did, I got into this other dream.
梦里出现了我的前妻，不过在梦中她还不是前妻，依然是我妻子。
My former wife was in it, though she wasn't my former wife in the dream, She was still my wife.
我的孩子们也在梦里。
My kids were in it too.
他们还小，正在吃薯片。
They were little and they were eating potato chips.
在梦里，我觉得自己能闻到薯片的味道，还能听到咀嚼声。
In my dream, I thought I could smell the potato chips and hear them being eaten.
我们铺着毯子，靠近一片水域。
We were on a blanket and we were close to some water.
梦中充满了满足与幸福的感受。
There was a sense of satisfaction and well-being in the dream.
然后突然间，我发现自己和一群陌生人在一起。
Then suddenly, I found myself in the company of some other people, people I didn't know.
接着发生的事是，我正在踹碎儿子车子的窗户并威胁他的生命，就像很久以前我曾做过的那样。
And the next thing that happened was that I was kicking the window out of my son's car and threatening his life, as I did once, a long time ago.
当我用鞋砸碎玻璃时，他还在车里。
He was inside the car as my shoe smashed through the glass.
就在这时，我猛然睁开眼睛醒了过来。
That's when my eyes flew open and I woke up.
闹钟正在响。
The alarm was going off.
我伸手按下开关，又躺了几分钟，心跳得厉害。
I reached over and pushed the switch and lay there for a few minutes more, my heart racing.
在第二个梦里，有人递给我一些威士忌，我喝了下去。
In the second dream, somebody had offered me some whiskey, and I drank it.
喝下那杯威士忌是让我害怕的事。
Drinking that whiskey was the thing that scared me.
那是最糟糕的情况。
That was the worst thing that could have happened.
那就是谷底了。
That was rock bottom.
与之相比，其他一切都算轻松愉快。
Compared to that, everything else was a picnic.
我又躺了一分钟，试图平静下来。
I lay there for a minute longer, trying to calm down.
然后我起来了。
Then I got up.
我煮了咖啡，坐在厨房的窗前。
I made coffee and sat at the kitchen table in front of the window.
我把杯子在桌上转着小圈，又开始认真考虑起澳大利亚的事。
I pushed my cup back and forth in little circles on the table and began to think seriously about Australia again.
突然间，我能想象出当我用搬去澳大利亚威胁家人时，他们听到会是什么反应。
And then all of a sudden, I could imagine how it must have sounded to my family when I'd threatened them with a move to Australia.
他们一开始肯定会震惊，甚至有点害怕。
They would have been shocked at first and even a little scared.
然后，因为他们了解我，大概就开始笑了。
Then, because they knew me, they'd probably started laughing.
现在想到他们的笑声，我也不得不笑起来。
Now, thinking about their laughter, I had to laugh too.
那正是我当时在桌边发出的声音。
That was exactly the sound I made there at the table.
就像我在某处读到过该如何发笑一样
As if I'd read somewhere how to laugh.
我到底计划去澳大利亚做什么呢？
What was it I planned to do in Australia anyway?
事实上，我去澳大利亚的可能性就和去廷巴克图、月球或北极一样渺茫
The truth was, I wouldn't be going there anymore than I'd be going to Timbuktu, the moon, or the North Pole.
见鬼，我根本不想去澳大利亚
Hell, I didn't want to go to Australia.
但一旦明白了这一点，明白自己不会去那里，也不会去任何其他地方，我就开始感觉好多了
But once I understood this, once I understood I wouldn't be going there, or anywhere else for that matter, I began to feel better.
我又点了一支烟，倒了杯咖啡
I lit another cigarette and poured some more coffee.
咖啡里没有牛奶，但我不在乎
There wasn't any milk for the coffee, but I didn't care.
一天不喝加奶的咖啡又不会要了我的命
I could skip having milk in my coffee for a day, and it wouldn't kill me.
很快，我装好午餐，灌满保温瓶，把保温瓶放进饭盒，然后出门了。
Pretty soon, I packed the lunch and filled the thermos and put the thermos in the lunch pail, then I went outside.
那是个美好的早晨。
It was a fine morning.
阳光洒落在小镇背后的山脉上，一群鸟儿正从山谷的一边飞向另一边。
The sun lay over the mountains behind the town, and a flock of birds was moving from one part of the valley to another.
我连门都懒得锁。
I didn't bother to lock the door.
我想起女儿遭遇的事，但转念一想反正家里也没什么值得偷的东西。
I remembered what had happened to my daughter, but decided I didn't have anything worth stealing anyway.
这屋里没有什么是离了它就活不下去的。
There was nothing in the house I couldn't live without.
我有台电视机，但我已经看腻了电视。
I had the TV, but I was sick of watching TV.
要是真有人破门而入把它搬走，反倒是帮了我的忙。
They'd be doing me a favor if they broke in and took it off my hands.
综合考虑，我感觉相当不错，于是决定步行去上班。
I felt pretty good, all things considered, and I decided to walk to work.
路程并不算太远，而且我时间充裕。
It wasn't all that far, and I had time to spare.
当然能省点汽油钱，但这并非主要考量。
I'd save a little gas, sure, but that wasn't the main consideration.
毕竟正值盛夏，而夏天很快就要结束了。
It was summer after all, and before long, summer would be over.
我不禁想到，夏天本该是每个人时来运转的季节。
Summer, I couldn't help thinking, had been the time everybody's luck had been going to change.
我开始沿着路边行走，不知为何，这时突然想起了我的儿子。
I started walking alongside the road, and it was then, for some reason, I began to think about my son.
无论他在何处，我都祝愿他一切安好。
I wished him well wherever he was.
如果他现在已经回到德国——他应该回去了——我希望他过得幸福。
If he'd made it back to Germany by now, and he should have, I hoped he was happy.
他还没写信告诉我他的地址，但我相信很快就会有消息的。
He hadn't written yet to give me his address, but I was sure I'd hear something before long.
还有我的女儿，愿上帝保佑她。
And my daughter, God love her and keep her.
希望她一切安好。
I hoped she was doing okay.
我决定当晚给她写封信，告诉她我在为她加油。
I decided to write her a letter that evening and tell her I was rooting for her.
我母亲还健在，身体也还算硬朗，在这方面我也觉得自己很幸运。
My mother was alive and more or less in good health, and I felt lucky there too.
如果一切顺利，她还能陪我很多年。
If all went well, I'd have her for several more years.
鸟儿在鸣叫，高速公路上有几辆车从我身边驶过。
Birds were calling, and some cars passed me on the highway.
也祝你好运，兄弟，我心想。
Good luck to you too, brother, I thought.
愿你时来运转。
I hope your ship comes in.
等你拿到钱再还我。
Pay me back when you get it.
我的前妻，那个我曾深爱过的女人，据我所知她也还健在，过得不错。
My former wife, the woman I used to love so much, she was alive and she was well too, so far as I knew anyway.
我祝愿她幸福。
I wished her happiness.
思前想后，我觉得情况本可能更糟。
When all was said and done, I decided things could be a lot worse.
当然眼下对每个人来说都很艰难。
Just now, of course, things were hard for everyone.
人们只是暂时走了背运。
People's luck had gone south of them was all.
但情况很快就会好转的。
But things were bound to change soon.
也许到了秋天，情况会好转。
Things would pick up in the fall, maybe.
还有很多值得期待的事情。
There was lots to hope for.
我继续走着，然后开始吹口哨。
I kept on walking, then I began to whistle.
我觉得只要我愿意，就有权吹口哨。
I felt I had the right to whistle if I wanted to.
我走路时甩着手臂，但午餐盒总让我失去平衡。
I let my arms swing as I walked, but the lunch pail kept throwing me off balance.
里面装着三明治、一个苹果和一些饼干，更别提保温瓶了。
I had sandwiches, an apple, and some cookies in there, not to mention the thermos.
我在史密提餐厅前停下，这家老咖啡馆的停车场铺着碎石，窗户钉着木板。
I stopped in front of Smitty's, an old cafe that had gravel in the parking area and boards over the windows.
这地方从我记事起就一直被封着。
The place had been boarded up for as long as I could remember.
我决定把午餐盒放下一会儿。
I decided to put the lunch pail down for a minute.
我放下后，抬起双臂，举到与肩膀齐平的高度。
I did that, and then I raised my arms, raised them up level with my shoulders.
我就那样站着，像个傻瓜似的，这时有人按响汽车喇叭，驶离公路开进了停车场。
I was standing there like that, like a goof, when somebody tooted a car horn and pulled off the highway into the parking area.
我拎起午餐盒朝那辆车走去。
I picked up my lunch pail and went over to the car.
那是我认识的一个同事，名叫乔治。
It was a guy I knew from work whose name was George.
他探过身来，打开了副驾驶的门。
He reached over and opened the door on the passenger's side.
“嘿，上车吧，老兄。”他说。
Hey, get in, buddy, he said.
“你好，乔治。”我说道。
Hello, George, I said.
我上车关好门，车子疾驰而去，轮胎下甩出碎石。
I got in and shut the door, and the car sped off, throwing gravel from under the tires.
乔治说，我看见你了。
I saw you, George said.
是啊，我看见了。
Yeah, I did.
我看见你了。
I saw you.
你是在为某事训练吧，但我不知道具体是什么。
You're in training for something, but I don't know what.
他看了我一眼，又看向路面。
He looked at me and then looked at the road again.
他开得很快。
He was going fast.
你总是那样张开双臂在路上走吗？
You always walk down the road with your arms out like that?
他笑了。
He laughed.
然后踩下了油门。
And stepped on the gas.
有时候会，我说。
Sometimes, I said.
看情况吧，我想。
It depends, I guess.
其实我当时是站着的，我说。
Actually, I was standing, I said.
我点了支烟，靠在座椅上。
I lit a cigarette and leaned back in the seat.
最近有什么新鲜事吗？
So what's new?
乔治说道。
George said.
他把雪茄叼在嘴里，但没点着。
He put a cigar in his mouth, but he didn't light it.
没什么新鲜的，我说。
Nothing's new, I said.
你那边有什么新鲜事吗？
What's new with you?
乔治耸了耸肩。
George shrugged.
然后咧嘴笑了。
Then he grinned.
他现在开得飞快。
He was going very fast now.
风拍打着车身，在窗外呼啸而过。
Wind buffeted the car and whistled by outside the windows.
他开车的架势就像我们上班要迟到了似的。
He was driving as if we were late for work.
但我们并没有迟到。
But we weren't late.
我们时间很充裕，我也这么告诉他了。
We had lots of time, and I told him so.
尽管如此，他还是加速了。
Nevertheless, he cranked it up.
我们错过了转弯路口继续前行。
We passed the turn off and kept going.
那时我们正径直朝山脉方向驶去。
We were moving by then, heading straight toward the mountains.
他把雪茄从嘴里取出，塞进了衬衫口袋。
He took the cigar out of his mouth and put it in his shirt pocket.
他说：'我借了些钱把这宝贝彻底检修了一遍'。
I borrowed some money and had this baby overhauled, he said.
接着他说想让我看样东西。
Then he said he wanted me to see something.
他猛踩油门，把车开到了极限。
He punched it and gave it everything he could.
我系好安全带，紧紧抓住。
I fastened my seat belt and held on.
走啊，我说。
Go, I said.
你还等什么，乔治？
What are you waiting for, George?
就在那时我们真的飞驰起来。
And that's when we really flew.
车窗外狂风呼啸。
Wind howled outside the windows.
他把油门踩到底，我们全速前进。
He had it floored, and we were going flat out.
我们驾驶他那辆尚未付清的大车，在那条路上飞驰而过。
We streaked down that road in his big, unpaid for car.
这是米里亚姆·托伊斯朗读的雷蒙德·卡佛所著《大象》。
That was Miriam Toews reading Elephant by Raymond Carver.
该故事发表于1986年6月的《纽约客》杂志，并收录于1988年由大西洋月刊出版社出版的《我打电话的地方：新选故事集》中，此书发行于卡佛去世前三个月。
The story was published in The New Yorker in June 1986 and was included in Where I'm Calling From, New and Selected Stories, which was published by Atlantic Monthly Press in 1988, three months before Carver's death.
无论你是读者还是心怀阅读理想的人，都希望你能加入我们《纽约客》的'广角评论'栏目。
If you're a reader or even an aspirational reader, I hope you'll join us on Critics at Large from The New Yorker.
每周节目中，我们会解读当下文化现象及其发展脉络。
Each week on this show, we make sense of what's happening in the culture right now and how we got here.
因为我们是文化评论家，所以总喜欢回归文本本身。
And because we're culture critics, we love to go back to the text.
没错。
Yes.
所以如果你热爱书籍，《广角评论》可能也会适合你。
So if books are for you, critics at large just might be for you as well.
每周四请在各播客平台关注《纽约客》的'广角评论'节目。
Join us on critics at large from the New Yorker every Thursday wherever you get your podcasts.
所以，米里亚姆，我觉得这是一个很难概括的故事。
So, Miriam, I feel like this is a very difficult story to summarize.
你知道吗？
You know?
你会怎么向没读过它的人描述这个故事？
How would you describe it to someone who hasn't read it?
是啊。
Yeah.
我知道。
I know.
我懂你的意思？
I you know?
而且我知道你会问我这个问题，我能...我该怎么...我该怎么描述呢？
And I knew that you would be asking me this question, and I can I How would I how would I do that?
我不知道。
I don't know.
确实很难概括。
It is it is difficult to summarize.
我的意思是，他几乎营造出了这种氛围，然后有一个转折点，他的态度突然转变了。
I mean, it's almost like he's created this this mood, and then there's this turning point where his attitude changes.
这感觉就像是人生晚期的一种顿悟时刻，或者说是一种恩典或智慧的瞬间。
It just feels like a kind of late in life moment of a kind of epiphany or, you know, this this this moment of grace or wisdom or something like that.
这是他对自己、对生活产生的某种理解。
Something that he comes to understand about himself, about life.
但在此之前，你知道，就是这些我觉得非常滑稽的问题，一连串的需求，来自他各个方面的要求——他的孩子们、前妻、母亲、兄弟，以及他所有的义务和责任。
And but before that, you know, there's just this what I think of as really funny, you know, series of problems and and and need and, you know, you know, all all of the asks from his various his kids and his ex wife and his mother and his brother and and all of his obligations and all of his responsibilities.
而且
And
是啊。
Yeah.
嗯。
Yeah.
除非你是亲历者。
Unless you're the one experiencing it.
除非你是亲历者。
Unless you're the one experiencing it.
但即便如此，你知道，比如，嗯。
But but even then, you know, I mean, just for for instance, you know yeah.
是啊。
Yeah.
我们不断经历，问题越积越多。
We're going through it and through it, and it mounting.
你知道，比如这些财务问题在阳光下不断堆积。
You know, these problems financial problems keep mounting in the sun, for instance.
明白吗？
You know?
嗯。
Yeah.
真是倒霉，结果发现我对可卡因过敏。
Now bummer, but now it turns out I'm allergic to cocaine.
是啊。
Yeah.
不行。
Can't.
所以我连自己要卖的产品都没法试。
So I can't even test the products that I'm trying to sell.
你知道，他因为赚不到钱，期间变成了个毒贩。
You know, he's become a he's become a drug dealer in the meantime because he can't make any money.
是啊。
Yeah.
真滑稽。
Funny.
我想这就像，每个故事都需要有点波折。
I guess it's a like like, every story needs to have some kind of movement.
它需要某种变化。
It needs to have some kind of change.
有趣的是，这种变化只是内在的。
And what's interesting here is that the change is just internal.
情境或情节本身并没有改变。
There's no change in the situation or the plot.
对吧。
Right.
你知道吗？
You know?
是啊。
Yeah.
没错。
Exactly.
你看，这种变化其实就是他最终与乔治在车里时，那种转瞬即逝的自由感，或者说自由的感受——但随即就明白这种感受是有代价的，包括那一刻在内，永远都需要付出些什么。
You know, this this change is just this sort of coming to understand like, this fleeting moment of freedom that he has at at the end with George and in the car or the feeling of freedom and, you know, but then but but immediately understanding that it that it has a cost, that there's always something to be paid for, including that moment.
所以我想故事是这样开始的，如你所说，所有这些亲戚都在向这位可怜的叙述者要钱。
So I guess the story begins, as you say, with these all of these relatives demanding money from this poor narrator.
显然这些亲戚确实处境艰难，你知道，兄弟可能失去住所，妻子生病了。
And there's obviously it's clear that the relatives are in need, you know, that the brother is in danger of losing his home or his wife being sick.
而且，女儿也面临无法喂饱孩子的困境。
And, well, the the daughter is in danger of not having enough to feed her kids.
儿子倒没有实际危险，但他处于情感危机中。
The son is not really in danger, but he's he's emotionally in danger.
所以这些人表现出看似真实的绝望，但他们的请求和要求中又带有如此强烈的情感操控，让人几乎难以认真对待。
So there's this what feels like genuine desperation from these people, but there's also such a degree of emotional manipulation in their in their requests and demands that it's hard almost to take them seriously.
很难相信他们表面上的说辞。
It's hard to believe what they're saying at face value.
你对此怎么看？
What do what do you think about that?
我同意。
I agree.
这确实很难。
It is hard.
而且，就像我说的，这很滑稽。
And, you know, like I say, it's it's comical.
但我反复读了很多遍。
But, you know, I read it and and reread it and reread it.
读的次数越多，我越意识到他们的问题其实都很常见。
And the more times I read it, I I sort of understood that actually all of, you know, their their problems were pretty pretty common.
我是说，就像你说的，他女儿需要养活孩子之类的。
I mean, you know, it wasn't as though they were really like you say, I mean, you know, his daughter needs to feed her kids and stuff like that.
但如果你稍微拆解一下，就会发现这种处境其实很熟悉——年轻工薪阶层要付账单、想出头、要生存。
But if you kinda break it up a little bit, you know, it's it's it was it sort of seemed like a kind of familiar place to be when you're, you know, young, working class, trying to pay the bills, trying to get ahead, trying to, you know, survive.
我觉得叙述者似乎也对此有所理解，虽然这些要求很操控，他自己也没多少钱。
And I think that there seems to be a kind of understanding of that too from the narrator, you know, that, yeah, it's manipulative and and, yeah, you know, he's being tapped and he doesn't have that much money himself.
要知道，他也是个工薪阶层，每天工作十二小时累得回家连电视都不想开。
I mean, you know, he's a working class guy working working his butt off twelve hours a day or whatever it is, too tired to even turn the TV on when he comes home from from from work.
但我不知道。
But I don't know.
我读得越多，就越觉得，是的，这听起来就是生活。
The more times I read it, I just I just thought, yeah, this this sounds, you know, this is life.
再说，他是在生命尽头写下这个故事的，而他当然不算老人。
And again, he wrote this story at the end of his life, and he wasn't an old man, of course.
他去世时年仅50岁。
He was only 50 when he died.
不过我猜这个故事是他四十八岁时发表的。
But if I guess the story came out when he was forty forty eight.
嗯。
Mhmm.
但我不清楚他具体是在那之前多久写的。
But I don't know how soon before that he he wrote it.
但确实，它无疑带着那种忧郁感，但又带着某种认命——这些就是责任。
But yeah, it just has that feeling of melancholy for sure and but a but a sort of resignation that these are obligations.
从某种意义上说，正是义务让我们获得自由，并赋予自由其重要性、美感或无论什么。
And that, you know, in a sense, I mean, the obligations are what gives the freedom its importance, its beauty, or or whatever it is.
那种转瞬即逝的感觉，就是那种短暂的自由的感受。
It's fleetingness, you know, that just that temporary feeling of feeling free.
我只是觉得这其中蕴含着一种智慧。
And I just feel that there's a such a a wisdom to it.
再说一次，他并不老，但文字中流露出的优雅、温柔以及幽默感。
And and, again, you know, he wasn't old, but it just felt, you know, the the gracefulness of the writing, the the tenderness, and and the humor.
就像那种，是啊，周围所有人都在操控我或向我索要我无法给予的东西。
Just that kind of like, yeah, you know, everybody around me is is manipulating me or asking me for things things that I don't have.
这么说可能听起来有点陈词滥调，但这就是生活。
And, you know, and it sounds kinda pat when I say it like this, but, you know, like, that's life.
但同时，读这个故事时，通过他的写作方式，能真切感受到其中的智慧、豁达以及一种爱意，那种温柔。
But but at the same time, I I just feel reading the story and the way that he writes it, you know, really, it has just this wisdom and this resignation and and a kind of love, you know, a tenderness.
嗯。
Yeah.
我觉得很有意思的是，叙述者似乎是唯一真正对他人怀有同情心的人。
I mean, I think it's interesting that that the narrator is the only one who really seems to feel compassion for anyone.
嗯。
Mhmm.
你看，就连母亲谈到另一个儿子时也说，你知道，他情况很糟。
You know, even the mother's like, you know, talks about her other son saying, you know, he's in bad shape.
我为他感到难过，但是
I'm sorry for him, but
我想知道的是，如果
what I wanna know is if what
如果他付不起钱给我呢？
if he isn't able to pay me?
你知道吗？
You know?
确实如此。
Exactly.
是啊。
Yeah.
这几乎就在她说着'我把儿子们放在第一位，然后才是我自己'的同时，但显然并非如此。
This is almost in the same breath as she's saying, you know, I put my sons first and then myself, but clearly not.
显然并非如此。
Clear clearly not.
而且，你知道，这正是卡佛写作的魅力和精妙之处。
And, you know, that's, you know, the beauty and the the, you know, brilliance of of Carver's writing too.
你知道，人们所说的和实际发生的以及两者之间的反差。
You know, what people are saying and and what is happening and the and the contrast.
他也在赎罪，后来会发现他，你知道，曾试图杀死自己的儿子或者他认为自己这么做了。
He's also atoning for you know, it comes out later that that he he, you know, tried to kill his son or he thinks that he did.
但部分原因...是的。
But and part of Yeah.
你知道，他持续不断地对儿子和其他人的义务，正是源于那种内疚感和需要赎罪的心理。
You know, part of his constant, you know, obligation to his son and to the others too is just that, you know, coming from from guilt, you know, and that sense of needing to atone.
对。
Right.
我是说，甚至在那些梦境之前，我们就听说他是个酒鬼，而且他喝酒时曾威胁要杀死女儿的男朋友。
I mean, even before the dreams, we hear that he was a drinker, and that when he was drinking, he threatened to kill his daughter's boyfriend.
是啊。
Yeah.
我对那句话很感兴趣。
And I I'm interested in that line.
他说，很久以前，当我像男人一样思考这些事情时，我曾威胁要杀了那个人。
He says, once long ago, when I used to think like a man about these things, I threatened to kill that guy.
这种'像男人一样思考'的愿景本身就带着某种杀人倾向，而且
Just this vision of thinking like a man is being sort of homicidal and
我知道。
I know.
诉诸暴力。
Resorting to violence.
然后你就会想，他到底在想什么？
And then and then you wonder what is he thinking?
他现在是以什么思维方式在思考？
Who is he thinking like now?
要知道，他状态不好，他的思维方式已经不像他生活中的女性那样了
You know, he's not well, he's not thinking like the women in his life
对。
Right.
确实。
Really.
没错。
Right.
在某种程度上，他已经变成了另一种存在。
He's become something else in a strange way.
是啊。
Yeah.
你知道吗，如果你说，我也被那句话震撼到了，当我以前用男性思维思考这个问题时。
You know, if you say, I I was struck by that line as well, you know, when I used to think like a man about it.
是啊。
Yeah.
他那么说究竟是什么意思？
What what exactly did he mean by that?
就是那种，你知道的，老派的大男子主义硬汉形象，用暴力解决所有问题。
A kinda, you know, old fashioned macho sort of tough tough guy and solving every problem with violence.
但话说回来，也许这正是故事的发展方向，他开始意识到还有其他方式可以成为一个男人或一个有责任感的人，他正在尝试新的方式。
But again, I mean, maybe that's the movement in the in the story, you know, where where he realizes that there are other ways to be, you know, a man or a responsible person in in the world, and he's, you know, and he's in the new way of doing it.
对。
Right.
没错。
Right.
我是说，故事中依赖关系的链条也很有意思。
I mean, the it's also interesting to follow the the kind of chain of dependency in the story.
你知道吗？
You know?
我们有个曾经依赖或沉迷酒精的男人。
We have this man who used to be dependent on or addicted to alcohol.
他的家庭成员与他的关系也是如此。
His family members have the same kind of relationship to him.
明白吗？
You know?
他们的行为完全像上瘾者一样。
They behave completely like like addicts.
他们乞求着。
They they're begging.
他们威胁着。
They're threatening.
他们许下承诺又食言。
They make promises they break.
他们不断回来索求更多，要求更多。
They keep coming back for more, asking for more.
从某种程度上说，他就像是不断供应他们的毒贩。
And and he's, in a way, the dealer who keeps supplying them.
或许他也依赖他们，以此感到被需要，获得生活的目的感。
And perhaps he's dependent on them in order to feel needed to have some purpose in life.
嗯。
Mhmm.
我觉得这里面有种奇怪的矛盾。
I feel like there's a strange conflict on that one.
就在第二句话里，他说：‘我不需要别人欠我什么’。
Right in the second sentence, he says, I didn't need anyone else owing me.
但他其实有点需要。
But he kind of does.
是啊。
Yeah.
正是这件事让他觉得自己有用、被需要。
It's it's the thing that that makes him feel useful, necessary.
而且，就像你说的，这是一种相互依赖的关系，也许，他再次意识到，甚至可能并非完全有意识地，但在某种程度上明白，这并不一定是一种健康的存在方式，就像我们被告知的那样，但这就是他的存在方式，而且没关系，我们都会依赖某些东西。
And, like you say, it's a it's a codependency that maybe, you know, again, he realizes and possibly maybe not even consciously, but understanding on on some level that that's not necessarily a healthy way of being as, you know, we're told, but that it is his way of being and that it's okay, that we're all gonna depend on something.
我们都会这样，如果没有义务，没有需求，那意味着什么？
We're all gonna, if we don't have obligations, if we don't have needs, then what does that mean?
我们就是孤独的。
We're alone.
那算是自由吗？
Then is that freedom?
我是说，那样我们就成了澳大利亚的孤家寡人了。
I mean, then we're alone in Australia.
是啊。
Yeah.
你懂我的意思吧？
You know?
一无所有。
Without anything.
而且，你知道，所以我认为他做出了选择。
And and, you know, so I think he makes a choice.
是啊。
Yeah.
然后有个有趣的瞬间，他基本上说了句：我在骗谁呢？
And there's that funny moment where he says, you know, basically, who am I kidding?
我不会去澳大利亚的。
I'm not going to Australia.
他们心里都清楚。
And they all know it.
你知道，他们坐在那里附和着说'是啊'。
You know, they're sitting there going Yeah.
当我说要离开时，他们非常确信这只是虚张声势的威胁。
When I say I'm leaving, they're so sure it's it's just an idle threat.
嗯。
Mhmm.
就像他们以前听过一样，你知道，我觉得这也是我自己会做或对自己说的话，好吧。
Like, they've heard it before, you know, and I think that's something that I know I I do or I say to myself, okay.
就这样。
That's it.
我不能再待了，我要走了。
I can't I'm I'm gonna take off.
我要去某个地方。
I'm gonna go somewhere.
我现在就要去机场，买一张能去任何地方的机票，不管下一班飞机飞往哪里。
I'm going to the airport right now, and I'm gonna get a ticket to wherever I can go, whatever plane is leaving next.
但是，你知道，总是、总是、总是会有另一个声音在说，显然你不会真的那么做。
And, you know, but there's always, always, always with that, you know, the other voice saying, like, obviously, you're not gonna do that.
对吧。
Right.
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