小岛秀夫 by Théo Casciani

你正在收听由Extra Extra制作的色情题材主角故事。每一集都沉浸于当下最性感的视觉体验。是什么让今天如此诱人，如此诱人，以至于我们感觉时钟的指针在胸前激起阵阵颤栗？这些感受可能源于对某位大叔的疯狂迷恋，对牛仔靴的强迫性欲望，或对滑冰戒指的特殊癖好。Extra Extra闪耀着艺术家、策展人和思想家们的故事，他们发现了那微小而珍贵的火花，为日常都市生活点燃了一条充满情欲的道路。

You're listening to the protagonist of the erotic produced by Extra Extra. Each episode soaks into the sexiest vision of the present moment. What makes today so enticing, yes, so enticing, that we feel like the hands of the clock are making tingles up our chests? Those feelings may emanate from a mad crush on a pops in, a compulsive lust for cowboy boots, or a kink for ice skating rings. Extra Extra gleams lustful stories of artists, curators, and thinkers who have found the tiny precious spark that gives daily urban life a very horny road.

闪烁的灯光、潜行的阴影、颗粒质感、积雪的山脉、生锈的金属、破败的设施——《合金装备》已点燃了数百万玩家的热情。在本集中，作家西奥·卡西尼游走于现实与虚构之间，悄然潜入小岛秀夫的游戏宇宙，探索欲望作为叙事诱饵的设计，最终却被直白的情感所颠覆。当你所渴望的身体是被编码的，当你所玩的故事开始反过来玩你时，会发生什么？沉重的呼吸，回响的脚步声，如同其核心的潜入任务一般，西奥渗透进自己的欲望，而小岛秀夫物化的幻想，成为了一面映照转变、酷儿身份与无声逃离渴望的镜子。

Flickering lights, stealth shadows, grainy textures, snowy mountains, rusted metal, and dilapidated compounds, Metal Gear Solid has turned on millions. In this episode, writer Theo Cassini slips between reality and fiction, creeping into Hideo Kojima's gaming universe to explore lust as a narrative red herring designed to entice, but ultimately subverted by blunt emotions. What happens when the body you desire is coded, when the story you're playing begins to play you back? Heavy breathing, footsteps echoing, like the infiltration missions at its core, Theo seeps through his own desires and how Hideo Kojima's objectified fantasy becomes a mirror for transformation, for queerness, for the quiet longing of escape.

我不知道自己怎么了。虽然我确实需要复仇，但我完全不明白为什么我会跟你说这些。无论如何，就像和别人睡觉时常常发生的那样，我总是变得很安静。我不是那种吵闹的人，但我说的安静，并非指态度或形容词，而是指《合金装备》里的那个角色。必须说明的是，我的青少年时期大多在逃避现实，沉迷于屏幕之中。

I don't know what's come over me. Although I do have to take revenge, I have no idea why am I telling you all this. Anyway, as it so happens when sleeping with people, I have often found myself to be quiet. I'm not the raucous type, but when I say quiet, I don't mean the attitude or the adjective, but the character in Metal Gear Solid. It should be said that I spent a good deal of my teenage years escaping into screens to avoid the outside world.

我生活在一个位于法国南部的小型法西斯式小镇，这里既暴力又无聊。尽管我清楚那些游戏都是被设计好的，但至少电子游戏让我能握住手柄，体验另一种人生。每天放学后，甚至当我情绪失控想逃课时，我都会钻到我的上铺底下，打开那台连接着旧PlayStation的二手显示器。我没有机会接触最新的系列作品，但这无关紧要——无论是否流行，任何能逃离现实的地方都值得投入。我花了数小时猛按摇杆，幻想这些平行宇宙才是真实的，并能教会我如何抵抗他人称之为现实的东西。

I lived here in this small fascist town in the South Of France that is just as violent as it is boring. And though I knew very well they were all scripted, at least video games allowed me to experience a life in which I could hold the controller. Every night after school, and even every day when my mania would push me to skip places, I would set up under my bunk bed and dive into the second hand monitor I had hooked up to an old PlayStation. I didn't have access to the more recent franchise, but no matter, whether in vogue or not, any elsewhere at all was worth it. I spent hours hammering my joystick, imagining that these parallel universes were in fact true and could teach me to resist to what others called reality.

它们在我心中植入了对命运选择的渴望，以至于我在其中找到了希望，找到了讲述故事的冲动，甚至萌生了自己写作的念头。它们也教会了我欲望，以至于我开始模仿其中的角色。正因如此，我逐渐相信自己是“安静”的。我幻想她在游戏第五部中首次登场的场景：她突然闯入一场可疑得像审讯的体检中，身着标志性的迷彩伪装、战斗靴、上衣与下装同样低矮、紧身肋骨袜、锁链手套、技术性绑带，以及肩上悬挂的武器。这并不令人意外，毕竟这个角色显然已让全球无数人震撼，但更令人着迷的是，这些男性、女性与非二元性别者，竟将他们的欲望投射到这个由像素构成的躯体上。

They imbued in me an appetite for chosen destinies, so much that in them I found hope, for stories to tell, so much so that I got the idea of writing some myself. They also taught me desire, so much so in fact that I would come to imitate a character. So that's how I found myself believing that I was quiet. I fantasized about her first appearance in the fifth installment of the game, when she suddenly barges in the middle of a medical examination that looks suspiciously like an interrogation, with her usual levee camouflage, combat boots, underworker just as low as her top, rib tights, chaining gloves, technical straps and weapons hanging over her shoulder. Not too surprising a thought when it is obvious that this character probably has stunned millions of people around the globe, but how fascinating to consider all these men, women and people that had projected their fetishes on this creature made of pixels.

但对我而言，情况恰恰相反。我幻想的是自己身处她的位置。回望过去，当我回忆起那个我曾耗费无数小时凝视的身体，它如今已显得如此熟悉——或许因为对我的意义，游戏早已成为一段记忆。或许因为我的目光早已改变。我不禁对小岛秀夫——《合金装备》系列的天才创作者——塑造女性角色的方式感到厌恶，那些角色充满讽刺与媚俗的引用。

Except in my case, it was the complete opposite. I was imagining myself in her place. Looking back, as I remember the presence of this body which I spent so many hours with that it feels somewhat familiar, Maybe because the game is nothing more than a memory for me. Probably because my gaze has changed since then. I can't help but feel disgusted by the way that Hideo Kojima, the genius creator of the Metal Gear Solid series, crafted his female characters, full of cynical and Metro references.

我读过一些关于此事的旧访谈。这位游戏设计师亲切而直白地解释，他通常要求团队绘制出明确性感但依然纯真的剪影，情色却不过度，挑逗却不下流，得体却不乏味——不仅为了激发玩家对角色的吸引力，更重要的是鼓励公众进行角色扮演或购买手办。Quiet这个角色尤其具有代表性：在她这位能通过光合作用获取营养的精英狙击手背后，在她持续的沉默与必死命运背后，在这个极致女性化的躯体背后，站着的是一位刚抵达东京的荷兰模特——斯蒂芬妮·休斯顿。小岛秀夫聘请她来具象化一代异性恋者的幻想，成为某类女同性恋社群的理想化身，而顺带地，也成为我亲密关系中的参照对象。最近，我趁前往日本之机，专程去参观了为Quiet进行三维建模的制作工作室。

I've been reading old interviews on the issue. The game designer cuddly and plainly explains that he usually asks his team to draw silhouettes that are explicitly sexy but nonetheless innocent, erotic but not too much, titillating but not obscene, decent but not boring, not only to foster attraction towards the character, but also and above all to encourage the public to cosplay or bade the action figure. The case of Quiet is particularly telling in this regard. For behind the elite sniper with the ability to draw nutrients through photosynthesis, behind their constant silence and their fates to the death, behind this ultra feminine body, one finds a Dutch model freshly arrived in Tokyo, one Stephanie Houston, Vatidou Kojima hired to embody the fantasy of a world generation of heterosexual, the ideal for a certain lesbian community, and while we're at it, my own reference in terms of intimate affairs. Recently, I took advantage of a trip to Japan to go and see the studios where the three d modeling sessions for Quiet took place.

我将这次访问视为一场朝圣。我事先记下了附近所有街道的名字，告诉自己将要亲眼目睹那些塑造了我青春时期最鼓舞人心的风景之地，以及那些孕育了我曾无数次试图效仿的女性那叛逆而强势个性的场所。这可不是小事。但当我真正到达那里，漫步在这片空荡的街区时，我感受到的只有厌恶。我曾经称之为最爱小说的这个游戏，已不足以掩盖我脑海中浮现的那幅令人反感的画面。

I had prepared this visit like a pilgrimage. I had written down the names of all the nearby streets, telling myself that I would be seeing both the place where the most inspiring landscapes of my youth had been produced, and the premises where the rebellious and dominant personality of the women I had so often tried to emulate had been conceived. That's no small feat. But all the same, once I got there, as I roamed this empty neighborhood, all I could feel was repulsion. My love for the game I used to call my favorite novel was no longer sufficient to hide the repugnant image that came to my mind.

数百台摄像机对准我们的身体，以工业化的方式细致捕捉每一个细节，接着是工程师们操纵新科技、为向世界展示它而兴奋不已的低俗场面。好吧，好吧，这没什么大不了的，几天后我就走开了。但现在回想起来，我不禁疑惑：这种对大胸女性和大臂肌肉男性的刻板夸张呈现，为何会对像我们这样的同性恋者产生如此深远的影响？我们这些人，简单来说，是选择抛弃社会期待的自我，转而成为自己渴望成为的人，扭曲性别以逃离这种陈词滥调，重塑身份以欺骗命运的人。当我回到家，我依然执着于此。

Hundreds of cameras turned towards our body, tracking its every detail in an industrialised practice of objectification, then the lewd excitement of engineers manipulating their new technologies in order to better present it to the world. Alright, okay, it's no big deal, I moved on after a few days. But now, thinking back, I wonder how such stereotypical and exaggerated representation of women with big breasts and men with big biceps could have had such an impact on my peers and I, who are, to put it simply, queers. People who in fact have made the choice to replace who they were expected to be with who they wanted to become, bending their gender to escape this cliche, reinventing their identities to trick their fates. As I came home, I persisted.

我在电脑上安装了一个模拟器，把它变成一台PlayStation，然后加载了一个精心挑选的《合金装备V：幻痛》版本。我想亲自确认一下。令我惊讶的是，我一点都没忘记——没有错过任何捷径，也没有忽略任何转折。热情不会就这样消失。

I installed an emulator on my computer to turn it into a PlayStation, and then loaded a curated version of Metal Gear Solid V, the Phantom Pain. I wanted to make sure myself. To my own surprise, I hadn't forgotten anything. Not the shortcuts, not the twists and turns. A passion doesn't disappear just like that.

我一路回放剧情，寻找任何情色场景，直到一次任务后，我率领的武装小队围在笼子旁，看着郊狼洗澡。我感到一种侮辱。我知道，我最初沉迷于《最终幻想》中反派塞菲·拉夫的威严气质，或是在《侠盗猎车手：圣安地列斯》中花费无数时间追踪所谓的“墙”、以正宗GTA方式偷钱，这些都不太光彩。但此刻我感受到的，是另一种东西。我想继续玩下去，看看小岛秀夫是否真的如他最近最“觉醒”的公开言论中所言：尽管他女主角的臀部丰腴诱人，他始终致力于为它们赋予重要的背景故事和深层内涵。

I ran through sequences on the lookout for any erotic scene until after a mission, the armed group I was leading gathered around the cage in which coyote was showering. I felt like an insult. I know that my first walks to the authoritarian allure of Seffi Ruff, the villain in Final Fantasy, or all the time spent tracking the so called walls of San Andreas to steal their money in true GTA fashion, didn't bode particularly well for me. But what I was feeling now was something else. I wanted to keep playing to see if Kojima had spoken the truth in his most recent and therefore most woke public conversations in which he assured that as voluptuous as his heroine's buttocks were, he had always taken care of assimilating them a significant lore and an important backstory.

我越来越深地沉浸在这部军事剧杰作中，在反复尝试理解塞浦路斯、阿富汗和中非等地的某些战役后，随着时间推移，我穿梭于始终壮丽的环境中，伴随着粗暴的镜头拉近、曲线优美的臀部，以及雨滴滑过坚硬胸肌的画面，我渐渐明白，真正吸引我的，不是感官符号的泛滥或彻底的饱和，而是这款游戏最终几乎成了一件无性的遗物。如今十年过去，时间让我对小岛秀夫有了新的看法——在我们这些艺术圈常驻的圈子中，他被视为一种数字波普，谈论另类模式，并与全球顶尖艺术家合作。通过拼凑零散的评论与分析，我得出结论：他最令人惊叹的成就，是颠覆了传统的叙事结构，更重视氛围而非动作，背景而非角色。我绝不会以自己那点可疑的马克思主义和马拉美修养去指责他选择元素与结构而非个体。然而，我之所以告诉你这些，是因为最终我明白了：小岛秀夫真正关注的，始终是关系。

I kept falling deeper into the depth of this master piece of a military drama and after multiple attempts to come to terms with certain battles in Cyprus, Afghanistan and Central Africa, little by little, as the hours went by navigating the always sublime environment, by way of brutal zooms and curvy hips and raindrops sliding down rock hard pecs, I began to understand that what had seduced me in this profusion of sensual signs, if not outright loss full saturation, is that the game ends up being almost an asexual relic. Now ten years later, time has led me to adapt a new perspective on Hideo Kojima, considered in the artsy circles I gravitate around as a kind of digital pop, discoursing on alternative models and collaborating with the epest artists on the planet. By patching together bits and pieces of reviews and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that his most impressive prowess consisted of inverting classical narrative constructs, favoring ambiance over action and context over characters. Far be it from me, with my dubious coating of Marx and Malarme to berate him for choosing elements and structures over individuals. However, the reason I am telling you all this is that in the end, I eventually understood that Kojima deals above all with relations.

我曾多次向他的工作室发去钦佩的邮件，希望能为这个播客争取一次专访，但很遗憾，我始终没有收到任何回复，尽管他最近频繁出现在所有主流西方媒体上。然而，周复一周，我开始质疑：这个故事中真正吸引我的，是否其实是史蒂芬妮·休斯顿？让我们快速了解一下她的生活。根据我简短且或许不公平的调查，她从未能摆脱自己角色的束缚。她的社交媒体上充斥着二流展会的宣传、她动作捕捉拍摄的旧照，以及与那个将她从默默无闻中提拔出来、赋予她角色的男子的自拍。

I sent many admiring emails to his studio in the hopes of obtaining an interview for this podcast, but sorry to disappoint, I received no reply, even though he's been on every mainstream western media lately. Yet, week after week, I began questioning myself as to whether the real life personality in this story that most interested me wasn't in fact Stephanie Houston. Let's check-in quickly on her life. According to my brief and perhaps unfair research, she never found a way to extract herself from the trappings of her character. Her social media is filled with announcements for second rate fairs, archive pictures of her motion capture sessions, and selfies with the man who raised her out of anonymity by giving her a role to play.

她为赛弗工作。我们甚至不知道她的能力究竟有多强。她不能踏进这个基地。好的，长官。真不敢相信你居然同意了

She works for Cypher. We don't even know the extent of her abilities. She is not setting foot on this base. Good word, boss. Can't believe you took

把她活着带回来。现在把她带回到这里，让我们弄清楚她到底是什么。

her down alive. Now bring her back here. Let's find out what she really is.

这太危险了。杀了她。别把她带到

This is too dangerous. Kill her. Don't bring her to

她家。这是老板的决定。我会安排撤离

her home. This is the boss's decision. I'll send the extraction

控制器在我手中不停颤抖。突如其来的枪声让我惊醒，我的目光却始终凝固不动，安静如常。无论在屏幕中央，还是在喧闹的过场动画背景中，我都能把视线从她身上移开。有些人可能觉得她的动作诱人，她的装扮撩人，她的举止充满挑逗，但这些都丝毫无法打动我。

The controller keeps trembling between my hands. I'm startled by sudden gunfire. My gaze stays riveted and quiet. In the center of the screen or in the background of a talkative cutscene, I can take my eyes off her. Some might find their movements seducing, her outfit alluring and her manners flirtatious, but nothing really trumps me.

她的所有行为、所有态度，除了她对他人所做的一切，其余都无关紧要。关键在于，她仅凭一个眼神就能让男人卸下心防，仅凭沉默便能吸引所有关注，如今她又以羞怯为盾，抵御着欲望的火焰。我告诉过你，尽管这个角色震撼了全球数百万玩家，而我真正着迷的，是想象自己身处她的位置。既然化身的价值远不如其互动，那么现在或许是时候坦白：我之所以在她身上看到自己，是因为在任何平台、任何沙漠、迎风或烈日之下，无论白天黑夜，Quiet 总是在试图逃离。

None of her actions, none of her attitudes, nothing except perhaps what she does to others. There it is, nothing but her ability to disarm men with a simple look, the way in which she commends attention by keeping silent, and now she fends the flame of desire with no other means than modesty. I told you, though this character has stunned millions of people across the globe, me, what I'm into, is imagining myself in her place. Since the avatar are useless less than its interactions, the moment has probably come to confess the reason I recognize myself in this character. On a platform or in the desert, against the winds or under the heat, by day, by night, Quiet is always trying to run away.

就是这样。她是一个幻象，当你靠近的瞬间便消散无踪；她是一个承诺，一旦实现便立刻蒸发。就像我一样。是的，现在是时候承认了：我性格中最核心的特质，是一种有毒的特质——它既吸引人，又伤害人。

That's all. She is an illusion that disappears the moment you get close. This promise that evaporates as soon as it's realized. Just like me. Yes, the moment has come to admit that the defining trait of my character is a toxic one, a trait that attracts people just as much as it hurts them.

我总是倾向于假设而非行动，虚构而非事实，情欲而非性爱。我已经记不清有多少次，读完一本书后感到失望，解开了谜题后索然无味，脱去衣物后兴致全无，更不用说多少次我沉迷于《合金装备》的剧情，希望这些战斗永远不要结束；多少次我祈祷 Quiet 永远保持沉默；多少次我把她不穿衣服的可能性当作珍宝珍藏；又有多少次，我用诱惑接近对方，直到最终不得不承认：我其实并不喜欢性爱。我明白了，我真正喜欢的，是 Quiet 所代表的那种解放的渴望。

The tendency I have to always prefer hypothesis over action, fiction over fact, eroticism to sex. I've lost count of all the times I've been disappointed by a book once it's been read, by mysteries once they are solved, by a body once it's uncluffed, not to mention all the times I've followed the plot of Metal Gear Solid hoping that these battles will never end, and all the times I've prayed for Quiet to stay silent forever, all the times I've kept the possibility of escaping clothes like a treasure. And all the times where I've seduced until the moment I had to recognize that I didn't actually like fucking. I get it. What I like about quiet is our liberating desire.

一个青少年只能梦想着去某个地方、任何地方的渴望，一个不断试图逃离的男孩的渴望，一只只渴望不存在之物的水獭的渴望。我站起身，面对屏幕，小心翼翼地脱下手套。我的手抓住皮肤的织物，将它从四肢上剥离下来。

The desire of a teenager that can only dream about going somewhere, anywhere. The desire of a boy constantly trying to escape. That of the otter that longs only for what does not exist. I stand up facing the screen and begin carefully taking off my gloves. My hands lift the textile of my skin and stretch it out to remove it from my limbs.

一只手臂，然后是另一只；一条腿，再是另一条。既然我不再扮演角色，画面便定格在一片寂静中，我凝视远方，手中紧握着指向镜头的海洋步枪。偶尔能听到爆炸声。我将手指伸进内裤里。

An arm, then another. A leg, then another. Since I'm no longer playing, the image is frozen in a still frame of quiet staring out into the distance, gripping ocean gun pointed at the camera. Sometimes an explosion is heard. I slip a finger in my underpants.

出乎意料地温暖。我摆弄着腰带，任衣物滑落到地板上。我全身赤裸。我拉上窗帘，等了几秒，才穿上黑色内裤、同款品牌、一双罗纹紧身裤。我将一组技术性肩带、胸带和腰带系在身上。

It's surprisingly warm. I fiddle the waistband and let the garment fall to the floor. I'm completely naked. I draw the curtains and wait a few seconds before putting on some black panties, a matching brand, a pair of rib tights. I tie a set of technical straps around my shoulders, chest and waist.

我系好战斗靴，最后把头发扎起来。我确保没人看见我从那家每次回来都住的破旅馆里走出来。我在这座镇上已不认识任何人，但这里什么都没变——依然在法国南部，依然法西斯，依然暴力，依然无聊。我从未敢做过这样的事。

I tie my combat boots and finish by pulling my hair back. I make sure no one sees me coming out of the crappy hotel I stay in every time I come back here. I don't know anyone in this town anymore, but it hasn't changed. Still in the South Of France and still fascist, still violent and still boring. Never before had I dared to do this.

我的脚步带我来到当年青少年时期，我常在废弃邮局停车场与陌生人相会的地方，人们总在黄昏时聚集，彼此搭讪。在这片区域我得小心点，没有什么比一个恐同者更像同性恋了。几道不满的目光投向我的装扮。一辆车的司机看到我紧裹在皮革中的臀部，按了喇叭。我一言不发。

My steps lead me to the place where as a teen I'll meet up with strangers on the parking lot of an abandoned post office, where folks will convene at nightfall to cruise each other. I should be careful in this part, nothing looks more like a queer than a homophobe. A few disapproving looks lend on my costume. A car driver honks as they see my ass fitted in tight leather. I don't say a word.

毕竟，我很安静。为了鼓起勇气，我在听斯蒂芬妮·休斯顿在某个电视选秀节目中演唱的《合金装备》原声带翻唱版。我甚至不敢看视频，怕它让我难过。阳光炙烤着沥青路面。真奇怪，我却感觉像真正的自己，或许正是因为我觉得自己笨拙。

After all, I'm quiet. For courage, I'm listening to a cover of the Metal Gear Solid soundtrack sung by Stephanie Houston in some TV talent show. I can bear to look at the video afraid it might make me sad. The sun beats down on the asphalt. It's funny, but I feel like myself, perhaps because I feel clumsy.

你确实该想象我正准备从肩带中取出塑料枪，边唱边等待突发的射击。但我所说的笨拙，是指我回想起那些孩童般的失误、笨拙的举动，以及每次与人发生亲密关系时都如影随形的荒唐羞耻。我回想起所有那些尴尬、生涩、心不在焉的场景——那些从未被展现过的情景。在床上表现糟糕，并非异性恋者的专利。好了，现在我认出这个地方了。

You should indeed be picturing me ready to grab the plastic gun singing from my harness if a shot out were to break out. But what I mean by clumsy is I recall the childish blunders, the gauche maneuvers and the ridiculous shame that have accompanied me in every time I've had to make love in my life. I recall all those embarrassing, inexperienced and scatterbrained situations, the ones that are never represented. Being terrible in bed isn't exclusive to being straight. All right now, I recognize the place.

建筑物的背面是露天的，长满了杂草。我环顾四周，不知道还要等多久。一股压力感开始在我胃里凝聚。似乎见一个人，比冒着被打的风险还要让人紧张。

The back of the building is overground with weeds. I look all around me. I don't know how long it will take. A ball of stress begins forming in my gut. It seems that meeting someone is more nerve racking than risking getting beat up.

一位老妇人出现了，把我数落了一顿，然后匆匆离开，她一定是走错路了。一天即将结束，我仍在等待。我并不着急。时间一分一秒过去，终于，一个男人出现在停车场的另一侧，眼中充满欲望，脸上带着微笑。

An old lady appears, tears me down and is on her way, she must have taken a wrong turn. The day winds down and I'm still waiting. I'm not in a hurry. Minutes pass. When eventually a guy shows up on the other side of the parking lot, his eyes brimming with lust and a smile on his face.

就在我打算像往常一样逃跑、逃离的时候，我突然想起了奎茨在游戏结尾所说的那句话。那句话终结了她的沉默，而如今我重复它，来终结我的沉默。这是我仅剩的语言——复仇。

Just as I consider doing what I usually do and run away, escape, I suddenly remember the sentence that Quietz ends up speaking at the conclusion of the game. The sentence that shutters her silence and that now I repeat to make mine. The only language left to me, revenge.

感谢您收听《Extra Extra》的这次聆听体验。很高兴能邀请您踏上这段关于情欲主角的旅程。请访问 extraextramagazine.com，了解我们更多的音频节目，并探索感性与城市交织的更多精彩内容。

Thank you for joining Extra Extra on this listening experience. It's been a pleasure to have welcomed you on a journey through this episode of the protagonist of the erotic. Please visit us at extraextramagazine.com, where you can hear more about our auditory program and discover further editorial content exploring the intertwinement of sensuality and the city.