303. 习惯性道歉的心理分析

这是iHeart播客。

This is an iHeart podcast.

保证真人制作。

Guaranteed Human.

嗨，凯尔。

Hi, Kyle.

你能帮我起草一份简明的商业计划书吗？就一页，用Google文档，然后把链接发给我？

Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc, and send me the link?

谢谢。

Thanks.

嘿。

Hey.

刚给你把那份一页纸的商业计划书弄好了。

Just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.

这是链接。

Here's the link.

但根本没有链接。

But there was no link.

根本没有商业计划。

There was no business plan.

我还没有编程让凯尔具备这个能力。

I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet.

我是埃文·拉蒂夫，今天带来一个关于人工智能时代创业的故事。

I'm Evan Ratliff here with a story of entrepreneurship in the AI age.

请听我尝试用虚构的人打造一家真实初创公司的过程。

Listen as I attempt to build a real startup run by fake people.

请在 iHeartRadio 应用程序或你收听播客的任何平台收听我的播客《壳牌游戏》第二季。

Check out the second season of my podcast, Shell Game, on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

大家好，欢迎回到《二十多岁的心理学》，这档播客我们将探讨二十多岁人生中一些重大的变化与转折，以及它们对心理的影响。

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

大家好。

Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到节目。

Welcome back to the show.

欢迎回到播客。

Welcome back to the podcast.

新听众、老听众，无论你们身在世界何处，很高兴你们再次回来收听这一期节目，我们将继续剖析二十多岁的心理。

New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our twenties.

在开始之前，我想花一点时间谈谈我的另一个播客《Mantra》。

Before we begin, I wanted to talk about my other podcast, Mantra, for just a second.

对于还不知道的朋友，这其实并不是我唯一的播客。

For those of you who don't know, this is actually not my only podcast.

这可能会让你们感到有点意外。

It might come as a little bit of a surprise.

我觉得我提到它的次数远不及应该的那么多，但我确实还有另一档节目叫《Mantra》，每周一我会分享我这一周的座右铭，以及我希望它如何引导我。

I don't think I talk about it nearly as much as I should, but I do have another show called Mantra where each Monday, I talk about my mantra for the week and how I want it to essentially guide me.

它和《二十多岁的心理学》类似，但更偏向灵性和哲学，本质上是帮你每周开始前进行一次心理重启，让你在面对工作、责任、家庭、友情、纷争等各种事务前，先调整好状态。

It is like the psychology of your twenties, but it's kind of more spiritual and philosophical and it basically serves as a mental reset before you start your week, before you have to deal with work, with responsibilities, with family, friendship, drama, whatever it is.

所以每集时长约三十分钟，包含基于证据的心理练习，帮助实现强有力的心态转变，还有日记提示、来自伟大思想家的智慧洞察，以及我本人的一些个人故事。

So the episodes go for around thirty minutes, and they include evidence backed mental exercises for really powerful mindset shifts, journal prompts, a dive into wisdom from really great thinkers, plus also just, like, personal stories from me as well.

我最近做的一些冥想语录，我非常喜欢，也相信你会产生共鸣，比如：我允许自己对现在所拥有的感到幸福。

And some of the mantras that I've done recently that I really, really like and that I think will resonate with you include things like, I allow myself to be happy with what I have.

我基于当前的认知做出最佳决策，并且我知道爱不会错过我。

I make the best decisions with what I know now, and I know that love won't pass me.

还有很多其他的。

There's so many more.

所以今天我要向你们提出一个请求。

So this is my ask of you today.

如果你喜欢《你的二十岁心理学》，不妨听听《冥想》。

If you love the psychology of your twenties, give mantra a listen.

只试听一集就好。

Just try one episode.

看看你的感受如何。

See what you think.

这现在对我来说是一个充满热情的项目。

It is very much a passion project for me right now.

所以，如果你有任何反馈，如果你觉得我应该做的座右铭，或者你内心深处有什么困扰你的想法或难题，我非常想听听。

So if you have feedback, if you have mantras that you think I should do, if you have a deep thought or dilemma that's been sitting heavy on your soul, I'd love to hear it.

我很乐意探讨这些问题。

I'd love to cover it.

我会在节目描述中提供一个链接。

So I'll leave a link in the episode description.

但再次感谢你收听。

But, again, thank you so much for giving it a listen.

让我们回到今天的节目内容上来。

Let's get back to the show and what we're talking about today.

我问你一个问题。

Let me ask you a question.

你一天内觉得自己说了多少次‘对不起’？

How many times a day do you think you say sorry?

五次？

Five times?

十次？也许几乎每句话里都有？

10 times, maybe in nearly every single sentence?

抱歉绝对是人类语言中最重要的词语之一。

Sorry is definitely one of the most important words in the human language.

我认为它也是被过度使用的一个词。

I think it is also one of the most overused.

我们在邮件、短信、人际关系、工作中不断说‘抱歉’，无论是打断别人、表达意见、占据空间，甚至在我们根本没有做错任何事的时候，它都成了我们的自动填充词。

We say it constantly in emails, in texts, in relationships, at work, when we cut someone off, when we speak up, when we take up space, even when we haven't done anything wrong, it becomes this, like, automatic filler word for us.

它替代了‘请’、‘不好意思’、‘别讨厌我’这样的表达。

A stand in for, like, please, for excuse me, for don't hate me.

对一些人来说，‘抱歉’这个词已经成为我们身份的一部分，是我们自我呈现的方式。

And for some of us, the word sorry is kind of part of who we are and how we present ourselves.

它几乎是保护性的。

It's almost protective.

我们不停地这么说，我认为这揭示了我们的不安全感、恐惧和后天的 conditioning。

Like, we say it constantly, and I think that reveals a lot about our insecurities, our fear, our conditioning.

而且，说实话，这也会变得令人精疲力尽。

And it can also become, let's be real, completely exhausting.

如果坦白说，我以前总是这样。

If I'm being honest, I used to do this all the time.

我仍然会不自觉地频繁这样做，比我希望的要多。

I still catch myself doing it more than I'd like.

显然，当你做错了事并想表达真诚的悔意时，说对不起是非常正常的。

Obviously, it's super normal to say sorry when you do something wrong and you want to express genuine remorse.

但我发现，我在一些并不需要说对不起的情况下也会说对不起。

But I find that I say sorry in situations where it's not necessary.

我其实并不后悔。

I'm not actually sorry.

事实上，也许是别人该向我道歉。

And in fact, someone else maybe even owes me an apology.

这种习惯有一个名字。

This habit has a name.

它被称为过度道歉。

It's called chronic apologising.

一种反射性的、常常无意识的习惯，对不需要道歉的事情说对不起。

The reflexive, often unconscious habit of saying sorry for things that don't require an apology.

这是一种我们很多人都会陷入的模式。

And it is a pattern that many of us fall into.

尽管这种行为看似微小且礼貌，但过度道歉实际上会对我们的生活产生负面影响，并严重影响我们如何看待自己，以及他人如何看待我们。

And for something so small and seemingly polite, chronic apologizing can actually have a negative impact on our lives and a really negative impact on how we view ourselves and also how others view us.

因此，在这一集中，我们将全面剖析这一切。

So in this episode, we are going to unpack all of it.

过度道歉具体表现为何种形式，这种习惯的心理根源——从依恋理论到早期生活经历，以及它如何以你可能根本不知道的奇怪方式改变他人对你的看法。

What chronic apologizing actually looks like, the psychological roots of this habit from attachment theory to early life experiences, how it changes how people see you in very strange ways that you probably don't know.

最重要的是，我认为，我们如何通过重新书写内心关于占据空间、做真实的自己、仅仅存在于此的脚本，来打破这种循环。

And most importantly, I think, how we can break this cycle by actually rewriting our internal scripts for taking up space, for being authentic, for just simply existing.

我们如何改变内心那些用来表达自我的脚本，而不是躲在这种看似无害的自我保护工具背后。

How we can change our our, like, internal scripts for expressing ourselves instead of hiding behind this very innocuous, you know, self preservation tool.

就像我们所有的节目一样，这并不是为了责备。

So just like all of our episodes, this isn't about shaming.

也不是让你因为做了一些可能感觉像本能的事情而感到内疚。

It's not to make you feel bad for doing something that probably feels second nature.

而是为了理解这种习惯，获得一些清晰的认识，明白为什么会这样。

It's about just understanding this habit and gaining some clarity and understanding why.

那么，不废话了，让我们深入探讨慢性道歉的心理学。

So without further ado, let's get into the psychology of chronic apologizing.

首先，让我们打下基础。

Let's lay the groundwork to begin with.

当我们说一个人是慢性道歉者时，我们到底指的是什么？

What do we actually mean when we say that someone is a chronic apologizer?

显然，真诚的道歉本身并没有错。

Now, obviously, there is nothing wrong with a good, genuine apology.

道歉在关系中至关重要，因为它们能修复关系、让人谦卑，并体现妥协。

Apologies are essential in relationships because they repair, they're humbling, they show compromise.

但说‘对不起’和真正表达悔意之间是有区别的。

But there is a difference between saying, I'm sorry.

一个是真诚地承认我做错了事，另一个只是随口说‘哦，抱歉我做了这个’。

I sincerely accept that I have done the wrong thing, and just saying, oh, sorry I did this.

抱歉我做了那件事。

Sorry I did that.

‘抱歉’成了‘请不要讨厌我’这种笼统的说辞。

Sorry as, like, a blanket statement for please don't hate me.

一个真诚的道歉包含几个核心要素。

So a genuine apology has a few core ingredients.

哈佛大学一篇题为《真诚道歉的艺术》的文章对此做了清晰阐述。

And an article from Harvard titled The Art of a Heartfelt Apology actually really lays this out.

他们指出，从心理学角度看，真诚的道歉主要有四个要素。

So they say that psychologically, a heartfelt apology has four main things.

首先，它承认冒犯行为确实发生，并为此承担责任。

Firstly, it acknowledges that the offence took place and it takes responsibility for the offence.

它解释了发生了什么，但并不为之开脱。

It explains what happened without excusing it.

它表达真诚的悔意，并提出弥补的意愿。

It expresses sincere remorse, and it offers to make amends.

例如，一个真诚的道歉是这样的：‘对不起，我迟到了。’

For example, a sincere apology is something like, I'm sorry I was late.

我承认我迟到了。

I acknowledge I'm late.

交通太糟糕了，但我本该早点出发，这种情况不会再发生了。

Traffic was insane, but I should have left earlier, and it won't happen again.

这样很好。

That's good.

这是在承担责任。

That's taking ownership.

当你真的践行了不再让事情重演的承诺时，那就更好了。

And when you actually then end up doing something on your promise to not let it happen again, that's even better.

但当你不断为存在、为说话、为需要某些东西而道歉时，这种道歉就开始变得空洞了。

But when you're apologizing constantly for just existing, for speaking, for needing things, it starts to become something that is a skeleton of that.

从根本上说，频繁道歉就是当我们过于频繁地说‘对不起’，以至于它失去了原本的意义，变成了一种本能反应。

And at its core, chronic apologizing, it's basically when we say sorry so frequently that it begins to lose its meaning and that it becomes a reflex.

所以你可以把它想象成一个填充词。

So think of it almost like a filler word.

比如一句平常的话：‘我能快速说一下吗？’

So just a normal sentence like, can I just say something quickly?

我们却必须先说：‘对不起。’

We have to begin with, sorry.

我能快速说一下吗？

Can I just say something quickly?

在你开口之前就已经说了。

Before you even said the thing.

我打扰到你了吗？

Am I bothering you?

对不起。

Sorry.

我打扰到你了吗？

Am I bothering you?

我不是有意占这么多时间的。

I didn't mean to take up so much time.

对不起。

Sorry.

我不是有意占这么多时间的。

I didn't mean to take up so much time.

我可以拿一下那个东西吗？

Can I just grab that item?

对不起。

Sorry.

我能拿一下那个东西吗？

Can I just grab that item?

这是一个词，我们把它放在所有请求许可的句子前面，几乎是在对别人说：我无意冒犯。

It's this, like, word that we place in front of all sentences where we're asking permission almost to kind of say to someone, I don't mean to cause offense.

别冲我发火。

Don't come and bite my head off.

这是一种条件反射。

And it's such a knee jerk reaction.

我们常常这样做，是因为觉得自己没有权利占据空间。

And often we do it because we feel like we aren't actually allowed to take up space.

我们觉得说抱歉能让我们显得更渺小、更易接受，也更让别人觉得舒服。

We feel like sorry is a way for us to make ourselves smaller and more palatable and, you know, more tasteful to other people.

这是一种口头填充语。

It's a verbal filler.

重点来了。

And here's the kicker.

这种不断的道歉，实际上更多是为了我们自己，而不是为了别人。

This constant apologizing, it's often more for us actually than it is for other people.

我们以为这是为了让别人开心。

We think that it's about making other people happy.

事实上，这关乎我们对自己在他人眼中形象的不安感。

Really, it's about managing our own discomfort around how we think that people will see us.

因此，‘抱歉’实际上成了一种根深蒂固的内在策略，用以应对我们的焦虑、不适或对被否定的恐惧。

And so sorry actually becomes a very deeply ingrained internal strategy to manage our own anxiety, discomfort, or fear of disapproval.

本质上，当我们在任何话语前说‘抱歉’时，我们是在试图控制他人对我们的看法。

Essentially, what we're trying to do when we say sorry before any sentence is we're trying to control how we're perceived.

我们试图软化自己的存在感，或提前化解任何潜在的负面反应，即使那种反应只存在于我们的想象中。

We're trying to soften our presence or to preemptively diffuse any potential negative reaction even if that reaction only exists in our minds.

这本质上是一种机制，让我们感觉能够掌控他人对我们的看法，并以一种让人不觉得我们具有威胁性的方式操控这种叙事。

And it's essentially a mechanism to allow us to feel like we are controlling how other people see us, and we're controlling that narrative in a way that makes people not see us as a threat.

因此，尽管这种表达看似针对他人，但其真正功能往往根植于我们内在的情感世界——即我们无法应对或处理他人以不同于我们期望的方式看待我们、对我们生气、感到沮丧或不喜欢我们的可能性。

So whilst it is directed at someone else, the true function often lies in our own internal emotional landscape and the fact that we cannot deal or manage the idea of someone seeing us differently to how we want to be perceived, being mad at us, being frustrated, or not liking us.

你知道，这不仅仅是一个随意的习惯。

You know, this is not just a random habit.

它也不是什么有趣的小事。

It's not just like a funny thing.

这里有着深刻的心理根源，许多理论都会指向早期童年经历，以及我们早在幼年时内化下来的关于自我价值、安全感和人际关系的信息。

There are deep psychological roots here, and many theories will point to early childhood experiences and the messages that we internalized about our worth, our safety, and our relationships very early on.

这里的一个关键概念是自我价值。

One key concept here is self worth.

如果你成长的环境让你觉得必须不断争取爱或认可，或者当你表达自己时总会遭到批评、否定或惩罚，你可能已经学会，保持低调、顺从、不张扬才是最安全的选择。

If you grew up in an environment where you felt like you constantly had to earn love or approval, or maybe where expressing yourself led to criticism, invalidation, punishment, you may have possibly learnt that being small, accommodating, unassuming was the safest path.

道歉几乎成了一种自我缩小的方式，让你不那么显眼，尤其是当你有情绪不稳定、有暴力倾向的父母，或者你生活在大家庭中的时候。

Apologizing almost became a way to shrink yourself, to make yourself less of a target, especially if, you know, you had parents or family members who were volatile, who were violent, or if you were in a big family.

我们小时候看待这种方式是：如果我在他们对我生气之前先道歉，也许他们会接受真实的我，而不是非要找出我的问题，或者非要找借口攻击我。

The way that we saw this as a child was if I apologise before they get the chance to be upset with me, maybe they will accept me as I am rather than need to find something wrong or rather than needing to find something to attack me for.

当你还是个孩子的时候，你某种程度上只能听任他们的摆布。

You're somewhat at their mercy when you're a child.

对吧？

Right?

你受制于你的父母、年长的家人、年长的兄弟姐妹，因此这成为了你的保护盔甲。

You're at the mercy of your parents, of older family members, of older siblings, and so this becomes part of the armor.

这当然也是讨好型人格的经典模式，我们以前在播客里可能讨论过，大概三年前吧，如果你想听那期节目的话。

This is also, of course, a classic pattern of people pleasing, which we've discussed on the podcast before, probably, like, three years ago now if you wanna listen to that episode.

但另一个导致讨好、道歉、退缩循环的主要因素是焦虑。

But another major contributor to that people pleasing, apologizing, shrinking cycle is also anxiety.

对于我们这些高度焦虑的人，尤其是社交焦虑者来说，道歉是一种控制互动的方式，同时也是一种寻求安全感的行为。

For those of us with high levels of anxiety, especially social anxiety, apologizing is a way, again, to control the interaction, but also it's a form of safety seeking behavior.

这指的是我们采取的某些行动，旨在缓解我们对被视为威胁的事物的焦虑。

So this refers to actions that we take to try and relieve some of our anxiety, specifically around things that we see as a threat.

如果你天生具有社交焦虑，觉得与他人互动非常可怕、令人焦虑、令人不安，那么‘对不起’这个技巧几乎就成了一种自我安抚手段。

So if you are someone who is naturally socially anxious and you see interacting with other people as very scary and, you know, anxiety inducing and freaky, this sorry technique almost becomes a self soother.

是的。

Yes.

我们之前举过例子，说道歉是一种控制他人如何看待你的方式，这会让你感到平静。

There is the example we gave before of it being a way to control some someone how someone sees you and that making you feel calm.

但即使你知道自己的道歉可能没什么实际作用，对你来说，它仍是一种可以回归的、令人感到安全和平静的、近乎仪式化的行为。

But, also, even though you know your sorries may not be doing anything, for you, feels like this nice thing you can return to that feels safe and feels calm and almost becomes a ritual.

每说一句话前都说‘对不起’，意味着你能把话说出来，也让你感觉更有准备。

Saying sorry before every sentence means that you can get the words out, means that you feel more prepared.

然而，尽管我们希望道歉能缓解焦虑，研究实际上表明情况恰恰相反。

However, as much as we hope that a sorry is going to diffuse our anxiety, research does actually suggest the opposite.

2009年剑桥大学的一项研究指出，这类为寻求安全感而产生的焦虑式道歉，实际上起到了维持焦虑的作用。

A 2009 study published by Cambridge University actually suggests that these kinds of safety seeking anxious apologies actually serve as anxiety maintenance.

它们在当下让你感到解脱，但却让焦虑循环持续下去，并负面强化了你的感受。

They feel they bring us a sense of relief in the moment, but they keep the anxiety cycle going, and they negatively reinforce what we're feeling.

因此，在那一刻，你确实获得了焦虑的短暂缓解，因为所谓的‘奖励’——消除不愉快的感觉——让你感觉更好，但这也意味着我们从未真正面对不道歉的可能性，从未面对别人不喜欢我们、社交情境不顺利，却依然发现自己在这些情境中完全有能力的事实。

So in the moment, you're getting the fleeting relief from the anxiety because the perceived reward, the removal of an unpleasant feeling is making you feel better, but it also means that we never actually confront the possibility of not saying sorry and of people not liking us and of social situations not going well and realizing that we are still very capable in those situations.

我们许多恐惧之所以持续，正是因为从未真正经历我们所害怕的事情。

A lot of our fear is maintained by never actually experiencing the thing that we're scared of.

但如果我们处于一种不说对不起、别人却对我们生气的情境中，我们可能会意识到，这其实并不是世界末日。

But if we were to be put in a situation where we didn't say sorry and someone was mad at us, we may just realize, you know, that isn't the end of the world.

也就是说，我们并不会因为那样就死去。

Like, we aren't going to die because of that.

别人不喜欢我们，有时候甚至根本不是我们的问题。

Someone not liking us is actually sometimes not even our problem.

虽然过度道歉主要源于早期生活中的焦虑和取悦他人的倾向，但也值得指出一种更具体、尽管较少见的重叠情况。

Now whilst chronic apologizing is predominantly rooted in anxiety and people pleasing in early life experiences, it's also worth noting a more specific, albeit less common overlap.

在极少数情况下，过度道歉可能实际上具有强迫性特征，暗示其与强迫症（OCD）有着非常深层的关联。

In some very rare instances, excessive apologizing might actually take on a compulsive quality, hinting it like a very deep connection to OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder.

我之前提到的那种情况，你把说对不起变成了一种习惯，几乎当成一种仪式。

So that thing I was talking about before where you say sorry as a habit, you say sorry almost as a ritual.

你之所以说对不起，是因为你无法想象自己不说对不起。

You say sorry because you can't imagine not saying sorry.

你认为如果不这么做，就会有坏事发生。

You think that something bad's gonna happen if you don't do it.

对于患有强迫症的人来说，这被称为强迫行为。

For someone with OCD, that's what we would call a compulsion.

这是一种重复性的心理或行为活动，用于应对一种非常侵入性、痛苦和令人不安的想法和强迫观念，我们进行这种强迫行为是为了减轻或防止预期的灾难性结果。

A repetitive mental or behavioral act performed in response to a very intrusive, painful, distressing thought and obsession, and we perform the compulsion as a way to reduce or prevent a dreaded outcome.

例如，如果有人强迫性地担心自己表现得极其无礼却未察觉，导致他人对自己生气，他们可能会进行过度检查的仪式，包括反复道歉，以此来缓解自己对这种情况成真的焦虑。

So, for example, if someone has an obsession about being terribly rude and not having realized it and someone being mad at them, they might engage in excessive checking rituals that include repetitive apologies as a way to stop themselves from feeling so anxious about this thing coming true.

这其中并没有逻辑依据。

There's no logical reason behind it.

我们知道，反复道歉实际上可能并不会改变任何事情。

We know that saying sorry repetitively might not actually change anything.

但由于这种行为是由一种强烈的冲动驱动，旨在中和负面想法，因此感觉我们无法控制自己。

But because it is driven by this very strong urge to neutralize a negative thought, it feels like we can't stop ourselves.

如果你的道歉行为似乎不仅仅是一种普通习惯，而更像是与某种特定的令人痛苦的情境、信念或想法紧密相连的不可控仪式——比如认为可怕的事情即将发生——这可能是心理健康专业人士用来区分单纯焦虑的慢性道歉者与患有强迫症、且慢性道歉是其症状之一的人的关键依据。

If you're apologizing maybe feels like less than a general habit and more like an uncontrollable ritual tied to a specific distressing situation or belief or thought that something terrible is gonna happen, this might be something that a mental health professional could use to differentiate between a chronic apologizer who is just anxious and someone who has OCD and who this chronic apologizing may be a symptom of.

让我们来讨论其他一些解释，其中之一是社会学习理论。

Let's talk about a few other explanations here, one of them being social learning theory.

显然，当我们意识到道歉能让人减少对我们的不满时，就会养成道歉的习惯。

So, obviously, we can pick up apologizing as a habit when we realize that it tends to make people less frustrated at us.

如果我们成长的家庭环境就是这样，那么道歉就成为了一种策略，用来阻止他人批评你，应对父母或家庭反应的不一致或不可预测性，以及处理家庭中的不认同和拒绝。

And if that was the childhood and family environment we grew up in, that becomes a strategy through that means as a way to stop someone from being critical of you, as a way to deal with an inconsistent or unpredictable caregiver response or a family response and to deal with disapproval and rejection in a family unit.

还有另一种方式让我们形成这种行为，那就是通过社会学习理论：如果我们观察到父母经常道歉，我们往往会模仿这种行为。

There's another way that this is impressed upon us as well, and it's through social learning theory where, basically, if we observe our parents apologizing a lot, we tend to imitate that.

如果你的父母或生活中重要的成年人总是为一些小过失，甚至只是因为他们的存在而不断道歉，你只是因为与他们亲近，就无意识地习得了这种习惯，并将其视为一种正常的沟通方式，完全 unaware 其背后的心理影响。

If you had a parent or a significant adult in your life who was a chronic apologizer constantly saying sorry for minor infractions or even for their mere presence, sometimes you simply pick up on that habit by being close to them, and you internalize it as a normal way of communicating, completely unaware of its underlying psychological impact.

你知道，你看到了，于是你就这么做了。

You know, you saw it, so you did it.

人们常常说，这其实与他们的母亲有关，取决于她们如何对待外界，或如何被父亲对待，或如何被他人背叛。

And people will often say that this really comes down to their mothers and how their mothers treated the outside world or were treated by their fathers or were betrayed by other people.

通常，正是我们的母亲被逼得感到自己很渺小，如果她们缺乏自信，通常不善言辞，就会不断道歉。

Oftentimes, like, it's our moms who are the ones who are made to feel very small and the ones who apologize constantly if they're not confident, if they aren't typically outspoken.

尤其是当你是个女性时，这种情况更为明显。

And we see that especially if you're a woman.

你看到母亲如何应对环境和父权制，于是你也开始这么做。

You see how your mom responded to the environment and to the patriarchy, and you start doing that yourself.

直到有一天，伴侣或朋友指出你的问题，告诉你：‘你其实不需要为这件事道歉。’你才真正意识到这一点。

And you don't really understand it until perhaps a partner calls you out on it or a friend starts to call you out on it and says, hey, like, you don't need to say sorry for that.

但因为你看到母亲或父母通过过度道歉获得安心，也看到生活中其他人在面对潜在威胁时用‘对不起’来保持警惕。

But because you saw how your mother or a parent gained reassurance through excessive apologizing and how perhaps a parent or someone else in your life used sorrys as a way to remain vigilant over potential threats.

你就是无法避免这样做。

You just can't avoid doing it.

你根本躲不开。

You can't avoid it.

我认为，这一切其实可以用‘顺从反应’很好地解释，我们在几周前关于情感不成熟父母的那期节目中提到过。

I think a lot of this can really be nicely explained by the fawn response, which we talked about on an episode a few weeks back on emotionally immature parents.

但作为复习，如果你没听过那期节目，‘顺从’是近年来新增的一种反应模式，与我们熟知的战斗、逃跑或冻结反应并列。

But as a refresher, if you don't if you didn't listen to that episode, fawning is basically a recent addition to the fight, flight, or freeze response that we all know about.

战斗、逃跑和冻结，本质上是我们应对危险、生存下去的内置机制。

Fight, flight, and freeze, basically an inbuilt way of responding to danger and how we go about surviving that danger.

但最近，研究人员确实识别出另一种生存方式，那就是与危险交朋友，与威胁建立友好关系。

But recently, researchers have really, you know, identified another form of survival, which is to make friends with the danger, to make friends with the threat.

这个比喻可能有点奇怪，但如果你看过关于群居动物的自然纪录片，你可能会看到狼或郊狼如何向首领示好。

This is a really weird analogy, but if you've ever watched a nature documentary with pack animals, you might see how wolves or coyotes, they fawn the alpha.

它们会舔舐首领。

They lick them.

它们几乎向首领俯首称臣，以此表示：你没必要对我施加支配。

They almost bow down to them as a way of basically saying, you know, no need to dominate over me.

我已经在顺从你了。

Like, I'm already letting you.

你没必要用强硬的方式教育我。

You don't need to teach me the hard way.

我早就明白了。

I get it already.

顺从是一种生存方式，是一种通过优先考虑他人的需求和感受来保障自身安全的根深蒂固的生存策略。

Fawning is a way of surviving, a very deeply entrenched way of surviving by prioritizing others' needs and feelings to maintain your own safety.

在童年时期，对你来说，这可能表现为做一个乖孩子，从不惹麻烦，总是同意别人的意见，并迅速为任何让老师或父母不开心的事情道歉。

In childhood, for you, this may have looked like being the good kid who never caused trouble, who always agreed, quickly apologized for anything that upset a teacher or a parent.

你学会了，当你与可能对你造成情感或身体伤害的那个人建立友好关系时，你才是最安全的。

You learned that you were safest when you made friends with the potential individual who might harm you either emotionally or physically.

这种观念贯穿了我们的一生，成为一种潜意识的信息。

And this becomes this underlying message throughout our life.

只有当我顺从时，我才是安全的。

I'm only safe if I am agreeable.

我的需求不如你的需求重要。

My needs are less important than yours.

我不能打破这种平衡。

I must not upset the balance.

这正是我们一直以来所做的事情。

And this is really what we're doing this entire time.

我们一直在顺从，无论是出于寻求安全的动机，还是为了减少被他人视为怪异的焦虑，无论是因为强迫症，还是后天习得的。

We're fawning, whether it is because of a safety seeking scenario, whether it is to reduce our anxiety around being perceived strangely, whether it is OCD, whether it is learnt.

我们试图表达的是：别伤害我。

What we are trying to do is say, don't hurt me.

我不是那个让你生气的人。

I am not someone that you need to be mad at.

好的。

Okay.

我们稍作短暂休息，回来后将探讨为什么这种模式在我们二十多岁时会产生如此大的影响，以及最终如何开始打破这一根深蒂固的习惯。

We're gonna take a short break, but when we return, we're going to explore why this may have such an impact on us in our twenties, and finally, how we can start to undo this very deeply ingrained habit.

请继续关注我们。

So stay with us.

嗨，凯尔。

Hi, Kyle.

你能快速起草一份简单的商业计划书吗？就一页，用谷歌文档，然后把链接发给我？

Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc and send me the link?

谢谢。

Thanks.

嘿，我刚给你画好了那份一页纸的商业计划。

Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.

这是链接。

Here's the link.

但根本没有链接。

But there was no link.

也没有商业计划。

There was no business plan.

这不怪他。

It's not his fault.

我还没给凯尔编程实现这个功能。

I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet.

我叫埃文·拉蒂夫。

My name is Evan Ratliff.

在听了OpenAI首席执行官萨姆·阿尔特曼的许多类似说法后，我决定创建我的AI联合创始人凯尔。

I decided to create Kyle, my AI cofounder, after hearing a lot of stuff like this from OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.

有一个赌局，赌的是第一年会出现一家由一个人创立的十亿美元公司，

There's this betting pool for the first year that there's a one person billion dollar company,

如果没有AI，这简直是难以想象的，但现在它将会发生。

which would have been, like, unimaginable without AI, and now it will happen.

我开始想，我能成为那个人吗？

I got to thinking, could I be that one person?

我之前为我获奖的播客《Shell Game》制作过AI代理。

I'd made AI agents before for my award winning podcast, Shell Game.

在《Shell Game》这一季中，我试图用虚假的人来打造一家拥有真实产品的真正公司。

This season on Shell Game, I'm trying to build a real company with a real product run by fake people.

嘿，Evan。

Oh, hey, Evan.

很高兴你加入我们。

Good to have you join us.

我找到了一些关于AI代理在中小型企业中采用率的有趣数据。

I found some really interesting data on adoption rates for AI agents and small to medium businesses.

在iHeartRadio应用或你收听播客的任何平台收听《Shell Game》。

Listen to Shell Game on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

让我们把注意力具体转向这在我们二十多岁时的表现。

Let's turn our attention specifically to how this plays out in our twenties.

这显然是一个充满剧烈成长、自我探索、建立基础成人关系和事业的十年。

This is obviously a decade of intense growth, of self discovery, of building very foundational adult relationships and careers.

当过度且根深蒂固地道歉时，它会严重影响我们在这些关键领域的发展。

Chronic apologizing when it's pervasive and ingrained can impact us in those really critical areas.

首先，它会显著影响我们的关系。

Firstly, it significantly impacts our relationships.

我这里说的是一切关系，不仅仅是浪漫伴侣，还包括友谊、家庭，甚至你与自己的关系。

And I'm talking about all relationships here, not just romantic partnerships, but friendships, family, even the connection that you have with yourself.

这其中很大一部分原因在于，它会模糊界限。

A massive part of this is because it can act as a way that blurs boundaries.

当你不断道歉时，你实际上在向他人传递一种微妙的、常常是无意识的信息：你的需求、观点，甚至你的存在，都次于他人的舒适。

When you constantly apologize, you're essentially sending a subtle, often unconscious message to others that your needs, opinions, even your mere presence are secondary to their comfort.

这当然使得建立健康的界限变得极其困难。

This, of course, makes it incredibly difficult to set healthy boundaries.

例如，如果你因为拒绝邀请或在群体决策中表达偏好而道歉，你实际上是在潜移默化地告诉别人，他们可以施压，你的界限是可以协商的，或者你为自己拥有界限而感到内疚。

For instance, if you apologize for saying no to an invitation or for expressing a preference in a group decision, you are inadvertently teaching others that they can push back, that your boundaries are negotiable, or that you feel guilty for having them.

你知道，大多数爱你、关心你的人，他们并不会去逼迫你。

You know, most people who love you and who care about you, they won't push that.

他们会尊重你的意愿，也会尊重你的决定。

They will respect what you want, and they will they will respect your decision.

但万一你遇到一个想要你给予却不愿给予的人，或者一个天性善于操纵的人呢？

But god forbid you encounter someone who wants something from you that you don't wanna give them or who was naturally manipulative.

善于操纵的人社交洞察力极强，他们能察觉到这种习惯并利用它来对付你。

Manipulative people are incredibly socially aware, and they can see this habit and use it against you.

他们知道，频繁说对不起意味着我对自己所说的话感到内疚。

They know that saying sorry often means I feel guilty for what I'm saying.

我为自己让你失望而感到内疚。

I feel guilty for letting you down.

所以，如果他们多按几次这个按钮，你可能会让步。

And so if they just push that button a few more times, maybe you'll give in.

当我们考察沟通风格的性别差异时，这种动态尤其有趣。

This dynamic is particularly interesting when we look at gender differences in communication styles.

语言学家和社会心理学家的研究探讨了女性为何比男性更频繁地使用道歉和其他软化语言，有时是为了维持融洽关系或避免被视为具有攻击性。

Research by linguists and social psychologists have explored how women often use apologies and other softening language more frequently than men, sometimes as a way to maintain rapport or to avoid perceived aggression.

虽然在某些情境下，这种做法确实是一种非常有价值的社交工具，比如试图避免激怒他人或缓和可能紧张的局面。

And whilst this can be a really valuable social tool in some contexts, you know, trying to avoid aggravating someone, trying to tone down potentially volatile situations.

但当这种行为变得长期化并贯穿不同情境时，它会无意中削弱我们的坚定性。

When it becomes chronic and across different contexts, it can inadvertently diminish our assertiveness.

这使得他人更难将你视为拥有清晰且不可协商界限的人，进而导致怨恨感或被利用的感觉。

It makes it harder to be perceived as someone with clear nonnegotiable boundaries, and that leads to feelings of resentment or being taken advantage of.

这意味着我们不再觉得自己能够坚定表达，不再拥有这样的声音。

It means that we don't feel like we can be assertive anymore, that we don't have the voice for that.

2010年发表在《心理科学》上的一项研究发现，女性比男性更常道歉，这并非因为她们确实做了更多错事，而是因为我们常常认为自己在公共场合的行为本质上是冒犯性或侵扰性的。

A study published in 2010, it was published in Psychological Sciences, it found that women tend to apologize more than men, not just because they've necessarily done more things wrong, but because often we perceive our behavior in public settings as inherently offensive or intrusive.

我们觉得， simply 我的存在、我大声说话，是让人难以接受的。

We feel like me existing, me being loud, that's not palatable.

这并不令人愉快。

That's not enjoyable.

人们不想听我说话。

People don't wanna hear from me.

这在我们是否愿意为自己发声时会产生巨大影响，比如当伴侣伤害了我们的感情、朋友越界、父母或老板不尊重我们的界限时。

And this can have huge implications in terms of how willing we are to speak up for ourselves when a partner hurts our feelings, when a friend crosses the line, when our parents or our boss doesn't respect our boundaries.

如果每句话都以‘抱歉’开头，每个观点都用道歉来软化，你的声音对你来说就会逐渐失去力量。

If every statement is prefaced with sorry or every opinion is softened by an apology, your voice to you starts to feel like it's losing its power.

这不仅仅是别人如何看待你的问题。

This isn't just about how others see you.

这是你如何听见自己的声音。

This is how you hear yourself.

你的内心声音开始模仿你的外在表达，强化了这样一种观念：除非用道歉来缓冲，否则你的想法和感受都是无效的。

Your internal voice begins to mirror your external one, reinforcing the idea that your thoughts and your feelings, they aren't valid unless cushioned by an apology.

这甚至意味着，当我们只是对自己内心独白时，比如‘我真的很想做那件事’，或‘我真的很想实现那个目标’，或‘我觉得我理应得到更好的对待’。

And that can even mean that when we're just thinking private thoughts to ourselves, like, oh, I would really like to do that, or I would really like to achieve that thing, or I think I really deserve to be treated better.

我们内心的另一个声音会说：不。

This other part of us goes, no.

不。

No.

你不配。

You're not.

缩回去。

Shrink down.

保持低调。

Stay small.

别惹麻烦。

Don't make a fuss.

你那部分为了取悦他人而存在的自我，开始对你能向自己提出什么要求、你觉得自己应得什么施加极其严厉的规则，而当我们开始对自己弃之不顾时，就会说：‘哦，是啊。’

That part of you that has been pleasing others really starts to enforce some very strong and harsh rules upon what you think you can ask of yourself and what you think you deserve, which is when we start to self abandon, is when we start to say, oh, yeah.

我不配得到那个东西，尽管没有人告诉过你你不配，或者没有。

I don't deserve that thing even though no one has told you that you don't deserve it or no.

我不该再要求别的了。

I shouldn't ask for anything else.

尽管你知道，宇宙并不贪婪，宇宙有很多可以给予。

Even though, you know, the universe isn't greedy, the universe has a lot to give.

人们希望给予你东西。

People want to give you things.

他们希望对你善良。

They want to be kind to you.

我经常发现，我的朋友们总是频繁道歉，也不怎么提出要求，我就会等着他们向我开口。

I've often found with my friends who apologize a lot and who don't really ask for things, I'm, like, waiting for them to ask me for something.

比如我妹妹就是这样，她从不向任何人提出任何要求。

Like, my sister is someone who is like this, and she never asks for anything from anybody.

而当她真的提出要求时，我会非常兴奋，因为一个爱你、关心你的人，希望有机会安慰你、肯定你，并且愿意给予。

And the moments that she does, I'm so excited by it because someone who loves you and who cares about you, like, wants to be able to reassure you and validate you and wants to be able to give.

讽刺的是，尽管初衷良好，我曾犹豫是否要谈论这一点，但我认为这很重要。

Ironically, despite best intentions and I debated whether to talk about this, but I think it's important.

持续道歉实际上会在关系中制造很大的隔阂。

Chronic apologizing can actually create a lot of distance within relationships.

你想一想。

You know, think about it.

如果我们不真正表达自己的想法和感受，就不允许自己做真实的自己，这意味着别人无法真正学会如何更好地爱你。

If we're not really expressing what we think and we feel, we're not letting ourselves be authentic, it means that someone doesn't really know how to love us better.

这里并没有建立在自我表达和脆弱性基础上的真正联系，因为你在这段关系中呈现出来的并不是真实的自己。

There's not really a genuine connection there that's built on self expression and vulnerability because you are showing up as someone in this relationship who isn't really you.

你呈现的是你认为别人希望你成为的样子。

You're showing up as the person that you think someone else wants you to be.

因此，这个人无法真正了解你。

And so this person can't really get to know you.

就像有一堵墙。

Like, there's a wall.

他们永远无法突破这一层，这会让共同成长变得非常困难，尤其是当总是需要迎合他们时。

There is a layer that they're never gonna crack, and that can make it really hard to grow together, especially if there is a constant need to appease them.

有时也会有一种挫败感，比如：别总想着你自己，也让我想想你。

Sometimes there can also be a frustration of, like, stop thinking only about me and let me think about you.

这可能会让他们觉得，也许你并不信任他们。

That can make them feel like maybe you don't trust them.

这可能会让他们觉得，也许你认为自己必须为他们缩小自我，认为他们是个糟糕的伴侣。

That can make them feel like maybe you think you need to make yourself smaller for them, that they're a bad partner.

在职业环境中，过度道歉也会无意中传递出缺乏自信和能力的信号。

In professional settings as well, excessive apologizing, you know, can inadvertently signal a lack of confidence, a lack of competence.

它会微妙地削弱你在会议、职场、聚餐以及各种职业场合中的存在感，因为你向他人传递了你不信任自己、觉得自己是负担的信号。

It can kind of subtly undermine your presence in meetings, in the workplace, at lunches, in professional settings, basically because you send a signal to others that you don't trust yourself and that you feel like an imposition.

所以，他们可能开始以你的视角来看待问题。

So perhaps they start to see it your way.

他们开始想：如果这个人认为自己毫无价值，认为自己说的话令人厌烦或恼火，那也许他们对自己的看法是正确的，我也应该这样看待他们。

They start to say, well, if that person believes that they are useless and that what they're saying is annoying or frustrating, well, maybe what they think about themselves is right, and I should start to think about them that way as well.

2010年的一项研究发现，不确定的语言和道歉式的表达会严重削弱你所 perceived 的权威性，还可能让你显得不真诚。

A 2010 study actually found that, you know, uncertain language, apologetic language can really diminish your perceived authority, but it can also make you come off as insincere.

这还会导致人们对你信任度降低。

And it can mean that people trust you less.

因此，长期道歉的悖论在于，我们这样做是为了让别人开心，也是为了减轻自己在他人面前的焦虑。

So the paradox of chronic apologizing is that we do it to make other people happy, and we do it to make our anxiety less in the face of other people and around other people.

但实际上，这导致了相反的结果。

But, actually, it leads to the opposite outcomes.

它让你感觉不被看见，让人更不重视你，还让你更加孤立。

It makes you feel less seen, makes people value you less, and it makes you more isolated.

这是一种生存策略，但我们最终必须找到摆脱它的方法。

It's a, you know, a survival strategy that ultimately we do have to find a way around.

我们必须找到一种方式，摆脱‘我们必须变得渺小、必须友善、必须温和、必须讨好和顺从才能得到我们想要的东西’这种观念。

We have to find a way around this idea that we have to be small, that we have to be nice, that we have to be kind and appealing and appeasing in order to get what we want.

既然我们已经明白了为什么会这样，也了解了其后果，现在就让我们努力重塑这种自动反应，建立一种更健康的新模式。

So now that we know why this happens, now that we understand the consequences, let's really attempt to rewire this automatic response and build a new healthier one.

这 definitely 需要耐心。

This definitely takes patience.

最重要的是，它需要大量的自我同情。

Most importantly, it takes a lot of self compassion.

长期道歉并不可耻。

There is no shame in chronic apologizing.

这也没什么可尴尬的。

There is no embarrassment to it.

别人因此或因不这样做而如何看待你，实际上并不是你的问题。

How other people see you as a result of this or as a result of not doing this is actually not your problem.

但让我们为你找到一种重新调整的方法，让你感觉占据的空间更少，或许也不会再因不断需要以这种方式保护自己而感到如此疲惫。

But let's find a way to rewire it for you so that you feel like you're taking up less space and perhaps just less exhausted from constantly needing to be protecting yourself in this way.

第一且 arguably 最关键的一步是 simply 注意到它。

The first and arguably most crucial step is simply noticing it.

你知道，你无法改变你没有意识到的事情。

You know, you cannot change what you are not aware of.

所以，找出你的触发点。

So identify your triggers.

开始留意你何时会道歉。

Start paying attention to when you apologize.

是和某些人、某种类型的人，或特定的情境下吗？

Is it with certain people, a certain kind of person, specific suit situations?

当你感到某种特定情绪，比如不安全感或对评判的恐惧时，会这样吗？

Is it when you're feeling a particular emotion like insecurity or a fear of judgment?

也许当你提出要求或表达不同意见时，相比中性情境，你更容易注意到这一点。

Maybe you notice it more when you're asking for something or when you're expressing a differing opinion compared to neutral situations.

特别重要的是，要留意是否在某些人面前更容易这样，因为这将极大地影响你评估：在这些人面前，你是否展现出了最独特、最真实的自己，以及他们是否真的适合出现在你的生活中。

It's particularly important to notice if it's around certain people because that's gonna really, I think, factor into your assessment as to whether you are your most unique, authentic version of you with these people and whether perhaps they're not the most well suited to be in your life.

接下来，我要你认真质疑你的自动思维。

Next, I want you to really challenge your automatic thoughts.

正如我们在本集中已经提到的，这是一种习惯。

As we've said already in this episode, this is a habit.

这是一种习惯，建立在道歉能给你带来某种解脱或愉悦感的基础上，即使这种愉悦感仅仅是消除了负面情绪。

This is a habit that has been built on the fact that apologizing has brought you some kind of relief or some kind of pleasant feeling, even if that pleasant feeling is the removal of a negative feeling.

因此，一旦你开始注意到这个习惯，就必须开始质疑那些驱动它的想法。

So once you start noticing the habit, you have to begin to question the thoughts that fuel it.

为此，我们真的需要开始质疑为什么我们觉得有必要道歉。

To do this, we really wanna start to question why we feel the need to apologize.

当你发现自己正在道歉时，问问自己：我到底在为什么道歉？

When you catch yourself mid apology, ask yourself, what am I really apologizing for here?

真的有人对我这么生气吗？

Is anyone really that mad at me?

我真的做了什么那么糟糕的事吗？

Did I really do anything that bad?

我真的感到抱歉吗？

Am I really sorry?

我感到抱歉的这件事，真的值得我道歉吗？

Is the thing that I feel sorry for actually something that I should feel sorry for?

还是我只是提出了我需要的东西？

Or have I just asked for something that I needed?

我只是存在而已吗？

Have I just existed?

我只是作为一个普通人吗？

Have I just been human?

挑战你总是在做错事的假设，问问自己：如果别人做了这件事，我会觉得他们需要为此道歉吗？

Challenge the assumption that you are constantly doing things wrong and ask yourself, if someone else did this thing, would I feel like they needed to apologize for it?

因为答案往往是完全不会，但当我们评判自己时，却比评判他人严厉得多、苛刻得多。

Because the answer is often 100% no, but we are much harsher and much much more severe as critics when it comes to ourselves.

如果你道歉是为了避免负面反应，问问自己：如果我现在不说对不起，最现实的糟糕结果会是什么？

If you're apologizing to avoid a negative reaction, ask yourself, what's the worst realistic outcome that could happen if I don't say sorry right now?

通常，我们在脑海中构建的灾难性场景，远比实际会发生的情况要戏剧化得多。

Often, the catastrophic scenario we build up in our heads, it is far more dramatic than what is actually going to unfold.

也许有人只是短暂地感到不便，或者他们甚至根本不会注意到。

Maybe someone will be mildly inconvenienced for a moment, or they might not even notice.