本集简介
双语字幕
仅展示文本字幕，不包含中文音频；想边听边看，请使用 Bayt 播客 App。
这是iHeart播客。
This is an iHeart podcast.
保证真人制作。
Guaranteed Human.
嗨，凯尔。
Hi, Kyle.
你能帮我起草一份简单的商业计划书吗？就一页，用Google文档格式，然后把链接发给我？
Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc, and send me the link?
谢谢。
Thanks.
嘿。
Hey.
刚给你把那份一页纸的商业计划书弄好了。
Just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.
这是链接。
Here's the link.
但根本没有链接。
But there was no link.
根本没有商业计划。
There was no business plan.
我还没让凯尔具备这个能力。
I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to
还没来得及。
do that yet.
我是埃文·拉蒂夫，今天带来一个关于人工智能时代创业的故事。
I'm Evan Ratliff here with a story of entrepreneurship in the AI age.
请听我如何尝试用虚构的人打造一家真正的初创公司。
Listen as I attempt to build a real startup run by fake people.
请在 iHeartRadio 应用程序或您收听播客的任何平台收听我的播客《壳牌游戏》第二季。
Check out the second season of my podcast, Shell Game, on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
这里是幸福实验室的劳里·桑托斯博士。
Doctor Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab here.
这是给予的季节，今年我的播客《幸福实验室》与非营利组织GiveDirectly合作，参与‘Pods对抗贫困’活动，为极端贫困人口提供他们所需的现金。
It's the season of giving, and this year, my podcast, the Happiness Lab, is partnering with GiveDirectly, a nonprofit that provides people in extreme poverty with the cash they need as part of the Pods Fight Poverty campaign.
我们今年的目标是筹集100万美元，这将帮助700多个家庭摆脱极端贫困。
Our goal this year is to raise $1,000,000, which will bring over 700 families out of extreme poverty.
您的捐赠将直接把现金交到这些需要帮助的家庭手中，他们可以自行决定如何使用，无论是用于上学交通、购买牲畜，还是创业。
Your donation will put cash directly in the hands of these families in need, and they'll get to decide how to use it, whether that's school transportation, purchasing livestock, or starting a business.
此外，如果您是首次捐赠者，您的捐款将由Giving Multiplier匹配，这意味着能为需要帮助的人提供更多的资金。
Plus, if you're a first time donor, your gift will be matched by Giving Multiplier, which means more money for those in need.
请访问givedirectly.org/happinesslab了解更多信息并进行捐赠。
Visit givedirectly.org/happinesslab to learn more and to donate.
网址是givedirectly.org/happinesslab。
That's givedirectly.org/happinesslab.
你好。
Hi.
我是Priyanka Wally医生。
I'm doctor Priyanka Wally.
我是哈里昆达博卢。
And I'm Harikundaboglu.
在我们的新播客《健康那些事》中，我们将揭开您最关心的健康问题的神秘面纱。
On our new podcast, Health Stuff, we demystify your burning health questions.
你会听到我们对自己健康的坦诚分享。
You'll hear us being completely honest about our own health.
我的住院医师生涯简直是一声求救的呼喊，说实话。
My residency colon was like a cry for help, honestly.
你还会听到专家们坦诚的建议和个人故事，他们希望让医疗更有人情味。
And you'll hear candid advice personal stories from experts who want to make health care more human.
我总觉得在医学领域里，我从未真正找到归属感。
I feel like I never felt like I truly belonged in medicine.
我们希望让健康知识不再令人困惑，甚至带点趣味。
We want to make health less confusing and maybe even a little fun.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您常用的任何播客平台收听《健康那些事》。
Find health stuff on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
你好。
Hi.
我是拉迪·德夫卢卡，
I'm Radhi Devlukha, and
我是《好好哭一场》播客的主持人。
I am the host of A Really Good Cry podcast.
本周，我
This week, I
邀请了安娜·伦克尔，她也被称为“糟糕童年仙子”，是一位创作者、导师，
am joined by Anna Runkle, also known as the crappy childhood fairy, a creator, teacher,
以及帮助人们从
and guide helping people heal from
不安全或混乱童年带来的持久情感创伤中康复的引导者。
the lasting emotional wounds of unsafe or chaotic childhoods.
谈论创伤并不总是对人们有好处。
Talking about trauma isn't always great for people.
这并不总是最好的做法。
It's not always the best thing.
大约三分之一在童年时期遭受创伤的人，当他们谈论这些经历时，反而会感觉更糟，变得极度失衡。
About a third of people who are traumatized as kids feel worse when they talk about it, get very dysregulated.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《一次真正的好哭》。
Listen to a really good cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
我其实并没有上节目的兴趣。
I didn't really have an interest of being on air.
我只是想混进去，看看这个建筑里面是什么情况。
I kinda was up there to just try infiltrate the building.
从塑造全球音乐的地下俱乐部，到构建文化帝国的牧师和创作者。
From the underground clubs that shaped global music to the pastors and creators who built the cultural empire.
《亚特兰大耳语》播客揭示了这个世界最具影响力城市之一背后的故事。
The Atlanta Ears podcast uncovers the stories behind one of the most influential cities in the world.
我爱亚特兰大的地方在于，这是一个充满奋斗者的城市，伙计。
The thing I love about Atlanta is that it's a city of hustlers, man.
每一集都探讨了亚特兰大崛起的不同篇章，对话嘉宾包括卢达克里斯、威尔·帕克、牧师贾马尔·布莱恩特、DJ Drama 等。
Each episode explores a different chapter of Atlanta's rise, featuring conversations with Ludacris, Will Packer, pastor Jamal Bryant, DJ Drama, and more.
完整系列现已上线，可随时收听。
The full series is available to listen to now.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple Podcasts 或您常用的播客平台收听《亚特兰大之耳》。
Listen to Atlanta Ears on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
大家好。
Hello, everybody.
我是杰玛·斯派克，欢迎回到《二十岁的心理学》——这档播客我们将探讨二十岁人生中最重要的变化、时刻与转折，以及它们对心理的影响。
I'm Gemma Spike, and welcome back psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
大家好。
Hello, everybody.
欢迎回到节目。
Welcome back to the show.
欢迎回到播客。
Welcome back to the podcast.
新听众、老听众，无论你们身在世界何处，很高兴你们再次回到这里，和我们一起深入剖析二十多岁的心理。
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of your twenties.
今天，我想谈谈心碎。
Today, I wanna talk about heartbreak.
我想聊聊为什么心碎如此艰难，同时也基于心理学和我的个人经历，给你们一些应对的指南。
I wanna talk about why it is so hard, but also give you kind of a guide based on psychology and my experience on how to get over it.
也许这样说还不够准确。
Maybe that's not even the best way to say it.
如何度过心碎，如何处理失去，如何依然保持力量去相信爱情，如何重新找到爱。
How to get through it, how to process the loss, how to still feel strong enough to believe in love, how to find love again.
我想先和大家分享我最糟糕的一次分手经历。
I wanna begin by telling you all the story of my worst breakup.
当我说到分手时，其实应该说是多次分手，复数形式。
And when I say breakup, I should actually say breakups as in plural.
2021年，我在一年内经历了两次分手。
In 2021, I went through two breakups in one year.
一段是和我长期交往、认真对待的伴侣，另一段是和一个关系没那么严肃的人，但我非常在乎他，现在我可以坦诚地对自己说，我确实深爱着他。
One with a person that I was in a long term relationship with, a serious relationship with, and another with someone, you know, and the relationship was a lot less serious, but someone who I deeply cared for and I can admit to myself now, like, definitely loved very, very much.
让我来描述一下我这一年里经历的两次分手的情况，那是我遭遇的非常悲惨的一年。
Let me describe kind of, like, the circumstances of the two in one year breakup situation, of the very tragic year that happened to me.
我与我的第一个认真交往的男友约会了大约两年，后来我觉得——我想我们俩都意识到，我们其实并不适合彼此。
I had been dating my first very serious boyfriend for about two years when I think I just realized, you know I think we both realized we just weren't right for each other.
我甚至还记得他。
I actually remember him.
我清楚地记得，在我们真正分手前几个月，他就试图和我提分手，他说：‘我正在写论文，我将忙得没时间陪你。’
I distinctly remember him trying to break up with me a few months before we actually did because he was like, I'm writing my thesis, and I'm just gonna be too busy for you.
我需要把全部注意力都放在写作上，没时间陪你了。
And, like, I need to focus all my attention on on my writing, and I won't have time to be with you.
但我不知道为什么，尽管这已经是关系走向终结的开端，我还是选择和他继续在一起。
And I don't know why, but I, like, stayed with him even though that was, like, the beginning of the end.
最终，我在情人节前两天主动和他分手了——我应该说，这正是我的运气。
And, eventually, I was the person to break up with him two days before Valentine's Day, I should say, because, of course, that was my luck.
但这段关系注定不会成功，我认为这样最好。
But it wasn't gonna work, and and I think it was for the best.
分手后，我们又断断续续地纠缠了几个月，直到我意识到他其实已经有了一个新女友，而他一直没告诉我，这让我非常难堪。
And after we broke up, we did this, like, on and off again thing for a few months before I realized he actually had a new girlfriend he wasn't telling me about, and it was very embarrassing.
我当时住在一个小大学城里，所有人都知道这件事。
And I was in this small college town, and everybody knew.
我不断告诉别人，我们还会努力复合的。
And I kept telling people, like, we're gonna try and make it work.
与此同时，他完全在和别人约会。
Meanwhile, he was completely like, he was seeing somebody else.
这非常痛苦，由于发生的一切以及情感反应的延迟，我花了四个月才真正开始为这段关系哀悼。
It was terribly painful, and it kinda took four months for me to, like, officially begin to grieve our relationship because of all that happened and because there was this delayed emotional reaction.
我花了好一阵子才意识到，哦，真的结束了。
It took me a while to realize, like, oh, this is it.
我们真的不会再复合了，那时真正的悲伤才真正开始。
We actually aren't getting back together, and that's when the grief really began.
我也非常感激那次分手，因为播客的早期听众都知道，这正是《你的二十岁心理学》这个节目的由来。
I'm also very grateful for that breakup because OG listeners of the podcast will know that is how the psychology of your twenties started.
我认为，这正是我需要的，它让我拓展了生活、敢于冒险、发挥创意，并明白了什么是我真正关心的。
And I think that it was, like, the thing that I needed to expand my life and to take a risk and to be creative and to know what I cared about.
所以我得向他道一声谢谢。
So I kind of owe him a bit of a thank you.
我欠他一份理想的工作，非常感谢。
I owe him my dream job, so thank you very much.
但那是另一个故事，改天再讲。
But that is a different story for another time.
我觉得那次分手后，我真希望可以说我疗愈了、放下了，过了适当的时间后才开始约会，但事实并非如此。
I think after that breakup, I'd love to say that I, like, healed and I moved on, and I started dating an appropriate amount of time later, but that is not the case.
我感到非常非常孤独，在还没到合适的时候就重新回到了约会软件上，结果陷入了一段持续六个月的关系，和一个我本不该交往的人，但我们还是一起去度假了。
I was really, really lonely, and I went back on the dating apps well before I should have and ended up in a six month situation with someone, you know, I shouldn't have been in a relationship with, but we ended up going on holidays together.
我见了他的父母，真的以为我们会有未来，但事实上根本没有。
And we met I met his parents, and I really thought we, like, had this future, which we never did.
从一开始，他就很明确地说他不想要一段关系。
And from the beginning, he was very clear he didn't want a relationship.
他永远不会对我做出承诺。
He was never gonna commit to me.
我觉得我只是不想听，也不想看到这一点。
And, you know, I think that I just didn't wanna hear that, and I didn't wanna see it.
所以我把很多希望、精力和爱都倾注在了这个人身上。
And so I put a lot of hope and energy and love into this person.
然后，六个月后，这段关系就结束了。
And then, you know, six months later, that was the end.
我再次意识到，这个人其实并不怎么尊重我。
And I realized again, like, this person doesn't really respect me very much.
这个人真的不想和我在一起。
This person really doesn't wanna be with me.
我无法强迫他，我的心又一次被伤透了。
I can't force him to, and I have my heart broken again.
这些时刻如今对我成为今天的我至关重要，我真心认为它们是我生命中最值得感激的经历之一。
These moments now are so formative for the person that I am to the point where I'm I genuinely think they are some of the things that I'm most grateful for in my life.
这些心碎塑造了我，也把我推到了情感的极限，我认为这让我获得了宝贵的智慧，可以分享如何度过这些困境。
Like, those heartbreaks shaped me, and they also pushed me to an emotional limit that I think gave me some good wisdom to share on how to survive these situations.
从那以后，我约会过几个人，还经历了一次分手，那次我应用了从前两次重大分手中学到的很多经验。
In the time since, like, I've dated a few people, I went through one other breakup where I got to apply so many of the learnings from those two big breakups.
现在，我和一个我深爱的人已经交往三年了。
And now I'm in a three year relationship with somebody that I love so much.
我非常爱他。
I adore him.
他太棒了。
He is incredible.
快五年过去了，我想今天回望过去，为你提供一份心理指南，告诉我当时是如何挺过来的，也希望对你有所帮助。
And, you know, almost five years on, I wanna look back today and just kind of give you a psychological guide to how I got through it and how hopefully you can as well.
我知道此刻如此痛苦。
I know this moment is so painful.
我知道实际上没有人会以同样的方式经历这一切，我敢肯定你觉得自己再也找不到爱了。
I know that actually nobody experiences this in the same way and that I'm sure you think you're never gonna find love again.
你觉得没有他们你就无法生存。
You're never gonna be able to survive without them.
你无法想象一个未来，在那里他们的名字不再出现在你的手机里，也没有人如此了解你的一切。
You can't imagine a future where, like, their name isn't in your phone, and they don't know everything about you.
但我向你保证，你终会到达那一天。
But I promise you will get there.
你此刻感受到的空虚不会永远持续，我想为你提供一些指引。
The feeling of emptiness you have won't be forever, and I wanna give you a little bit of a guide through.
那么，不废话了，让我们来探讨一下如何度过分手、如何走出心碎的心理机制。
So without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind how to survive your breakup, how to survive heartbreak.
请继续关注我们。
Stay with us.
让我们从最简单的地方开始。
Let's start very, very simply.
为什么分手会这么痛？
Why do breakups hurt so much?
这看起来可能很简单。
And it might seem simple.
但任何经历过的人都知道，它极其复杂。
Anybody who has lived through it knows it's deeply complex.
你现在如此痛苦，主要有几个原因。
There are basically a few reasons why you're in so much pain right now.
之所以称之为心碎，是因为你胸口、肺部、四肢那种深层的痛感是真实存在的、生理上的疼痛。
And there's a reason why they call it heartbreak because that deep feeling in your chest, in your lungs, in your limbs is real, literal, physical pain.
我们稍后会解释我为什么知道这是真的，但分手如此痛苦的最简单、最基本的心理学解释是这样的。
We're gonna get to how I know that to be true in a second, but the most simple rudimentary psychological explanation for why a breakup hurts so much is this.
爱，像少数其他事物一样，能让我们感到无比美好，这种感觉几乎无可匹敌。
Love, like few other things, makes us feel amazing to a degree that really has no rivals.
它让我们感到非凡——被看见、被重视，与他人建立深层连接。
It makes us feel incredible, to be seen, to feel important, to connect with somebody else.
显然，被爱、与某人处于这种深层联结的时刻会带来极大的快乐。
Obviously, it brings a lot of pleasure to be loved, to be, like, in this deep bonding moment with somebody.
而这些感受背后真正驱动它们的是多巴胺和催产素。
And what's really behind those feelings, what really drives those feelings is dopamine and oxytocin.
尤其是催产素，它被直接称为‘爱的激素’。
Oxytocin especially is literally known as the love hormone.
如果有人能够将其纯化并装入小瓶中给予他人，它将成为最强烈、最有效的药物之一。
And if you ever if anybody ever managed to purify it and give it to somebody in a vial, it would be one of the most potent and strong drugs out there.
它也会是最具成瘾性的药物之一。
It would also be one of the most addictive.
这就是这种药物和这种感受的强烈程度。
That is how intense of a drug and of a feeling it is.
现在，催产素并不仅仅关乎爱情。
Now oxytocin isn't just about love.
它还让我们能够与他人建立联系和信任，是构建神经通路的关键，这些通路将关于某人的记忆和情感编织进我们的大脑。
It's also what allows us to bond and trust other people, and it is essential for building neural pathways that basically weave the memories and our emotions about somebody into our brain.
它们会留下印记。
They leave an imprint.
对他们的记忆会在你的神经结构上留下印记。
The memory of them will leave an imprint on your neural structures.
大脑的可塑性意味着，面对所有这些深刻而强烈的情感，它会适应并期待这些感受。
And the flexibility of the brain means that in response to all this really deep emotional intense stuff, it adapts to expect it.
它会适应并加深这种印记，变得越来越依赖这个人提供的多巴胺和催产素。
It adapts to deepen that imprint to become reliant on the dopamine and the oxytocin provided by this person, to rely on them more and more.
因此，当关系结束，所有这些积极的感受消失，而这种印记不再被填补时，我们的大脑会突然陷入一种深刻的、情感上、心理上和生物学上的空虚，这种空虚是大脑无法理解的。
And so when it ends and all those positive sensations go away and that imprint is no longer filled, suddenly there is a deep emotional, psychological, biological emptiness that our brain just can't comprehend.
它无法理解这个人曾经存在过。
It can't comprehend that this person was here.
他们曾与我们相伴。
They were with us.
我们爱他们，然后一切就结束了。
We love them, and then it was over.
那个空洞再也无法被填满。
The hole was no longer filled.
科学家和心理学家们会将分手与真正的药物戒断相比较。
Scientists and psychologists, you will hear them make comparisons between a breakup and literal drug withdrawal.
这就像你的大脑正在从一种物质中戒断，而这种物质就是那个人。
It is like your brain is detoxing from a substance, and that substance is this other person.
你再也无法接触到他们了，但你的大脑仍然非常渴望。
You don't have access to them anymore, and your brain still very much wants to.
你的大脑仍然强烈地期待着，因此你不可避免地感到痛苦、匮乏、渴望或思念，正是由于这种情况。
Your brain still very much expects to, and so you are undeniably left very hurt and left very lacking or longing or yearning because of this situation.
你感受到的痛苦并不是幻觉。
That pain you're feeling is not in your head.
它是非常真实的。
It is very much real.
研究表明，包括2012年一项非常著名的研究，都表明关系破裂会激活与处理身体疼痛相同的脑区。
Studies, including a very famous one from 2012, have shown that relationship breakdown activates the same brain regions that process physical pain.
你可能以前听过这种说法，但他们所描述的这种痛苦显然不同于撞到脚趾或骨折的疼痛。
You've probably heard that before, but the kind of pain they're describing is obviously not the same as stubbing your toe or breaking a limb.
这种痛苦被称为社交痛苦。
It it's really known as social pain.
失去社会联系的痛苦、被拒绝的痛苦、对深深连接着的人感到强烈思念和缺失的痛苦，这种痛苦与我们对自己身份的认知丧失密切相关。
The pain of of losing a social connection, the pain of rejection, the pain of feeling deep longing and missing for somebody that really connects to a pain in how we saw ourselves that we no longer have.
你知道吗？
You know?
我们曾认为自己是那个与这个人紧密相连的人。
We saw ourselves as this person who was attached to this other individual.
我们曾认为自己处于一段伴侣关系中。
We saw ourselves in a partnership.
我们曾认为自己是一对，而如今不再如此。
We saw ourselves in a pair, and we no longer do.
因此，背后其实也在发生一场真实的身份认同危机。
And so there is also a real identity shakeup that is going on behind the scenes.
再回到疼痛这个话题。
Back to that pain thing as well.
这并不是说物理疼痛比这种社交疼痛、比这种社交损失更严重，存在一个等级排序。
It's not like there is a hierarchy where physical pain hurts more than this social pain, hurts more than this social loss.
它们的疼痛程度是相等的，这听起来可能很奇怪，但它们确实同等痛苦，因为疼痛实际上并不是由身体体验的。
They hurt equally, which might seem bizarre to say, but they hurt equally because pain is not actually experienced by the body.
疼痛是由心智和大脑，特别是大脑中与疼痛相关的神经区域所体验的。
It is experienced by the mind and by the brain, specifically pain related neural regions in your in your brain.
我可以砍掉你的腿。
I could cut off your leg.
我可以，你知道的，踢你的小腿。
I could, you know, kick you in the shin.
如果你大脑中与疼痛相关的神经区域没有发挥作用，你就不会感受到任何这些作为真正的疼痛，因为你无法解读这种感觉。
You would not feel any of that as actual pain if the pain related neural regions in your brain were not working because you would have no way of reading the sensation.
这意味着，心碎的痛苦是以与身体疼痛相同的方式、相同的程度和水平被处理的。
What that means is that the pain of a heartbreak is processed in the same way and at the same capacity and level as physical pain would be.
它们使用的是相同的系统。
They use identical systems.
所以我不希望你轻视自己的感受，认为这不真实。
So I don't want you to discount what you're feeling and think, this is not real.
这不可能像我想的那么痛苦。
This can't be as painful as I think it is.
这都是我脑子里想出来的。
This is all in my head.
绝对不是。
Absolutely not.
你之所以有这种感受，背后有真实的科学依据。
There is real science behind why you feel the way that you do.
分手还会让我们陷入一种情感空虚，曾经满满的爱无处安放。
Breakups also leave us with an emotional void where there's a lot of love that has nowhere to go.
它们还会让我们陷入一种近未来的空虚。
And they also leave us with a near future void.
我所说的未来空白，是指我们必须迅速适应一种新的生活方式，同时接受一个永远不会实现的未来的失落。
What I mean by a near future void is that it makes us have to rapidly adapt to a new way of life whilst also accepting the grief of a future that is never going to happen.
你们不会再每个周末都见面了。
You're not gonna see each other every weekend.
你一直渴望去的那趟旅行不会再发生了。
The future trip that you so wanted to take isn't gonna happen.
明年你的生日，他们也不会在场了。
They're not gonna be at your birthday next year.
就好像他们被从你所有想拥有的未来记忆中彻底抹去了。
It's like they've been erased out of all those future memories that you wanna have.
你所建立的一切——日常习惯、内部笑话、情感连接、与他们家人的关系、那些回忆——都感觉你必须将它们从过去、现在，甚至未来中一并抹去。
All the things that you've built, the routine, the inside jokes, the connection, the relationships with their family, the memories, it feels like you have to erase them not just from the past and the present, but from the future.
你必须说再见，仿佛那些回忆或许都毫无意义。
And you have to say goodbye, and that those memories were maybe for nothing.
这有一个专门的名称。
This has a name.
这被称为模糊性丧失。
It's called ambiguous loss.
为尚未发生但你仍感到怀念的事情哀悼。
Grieving something that hasn't happened yet, but that you still miss in a way.
为本想与这个人共同构建的未来哀悼，为那份你全心投入的生活规划哀悼。
Grieving the future that you really wanted to build with this person, building a life that you were deeply invested in.
我个人认为，最难过的分手往往是那些本可能成功的恋情。
I personally think some of the hardest breakups are the ones when it could have almost worked.
你认为这段关系正在好转。
You think it's working.
你付出了很多努力，或者你完全猝不及防，而那些计划和可能性，就在那一刻突然被扼杀了。
You tried really hard or you were just blindsided and the plans, the potential, they were just, like, suddenly killed off in the moment.
你知道吗，那只是一个普通的周一晚上，你的整个人生却突然改变了。
You know, it's a random Monday night and your whole life is suddenly different.
一半的痛苦在于，你不得不适应这种你本不愿陷入的新现实。
Half the pain is just having to adapt to this new reality that you probably didn't want to find yourself in in the first place.
我认为，对于那些可能没有正式定性关系的情况，也是如此。
I think it's the same for relationships that maybe didn't have a serious label.
即使你们不是男女朋友，即使你们没有正式在一起，哪怕只是暧昧关系，你内心深处仍总是希望它能有结果，也总有一部分你紧紧抓住那些‘如果当初’的念头。
Just because you weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, just because you weren't formally together, even if it was a situationship, there is a part of you that always deeply hopes that it could work out, and there is a part of you that really holds on to the what ifs.
许多心理学家会告诉你，正是这些‘如果当初’让痛苦持续如此之久，也让人难以获得释怀。
And a lot of psychologists will tell you that it's the what ifs that make the pain last as long as it does and why it's so hard to find closure.
因为释怀的反面是可能性，而‘如果当初’正是在这种可能性中滋生的。
Because the opposite of closure is possibility, and that's what the what ifs are thriving in.
如果他愿意给我一次机会呢？
What if they'd just given me a chance?
如果事情不一样会怎样？
What if things had been different?
如果我们没有那次争吵就好了？
What if we hadn't had that fight?
如果我没有因为那件事和他们分手就好了？
What if I hadn't broken up with them over that thing?
如果我只是更爱他们一点呢？
What if I just loved them a little bit more?
如果他们只是更爱我一点呢？
What if they just loved me a little bit more?
我读过一篇《今日心理学》的文章，谈到这一点，说这些‘如果’之所以困扰我们，是因为它们给了我们一种虚假的控制感。
There was this Psychology Today article that I read about this that said, the reason these what ifs haunt us is because they actually offer us a false sense of control.
如果我们能找出哪里出了问题，也许就能修复它，重新和他们在一起，或者防止类似情况再次发生。
If we can pinpoint what went wrong, we can maybe fix it and get back together with them, or we can prevent it from happening again.
我们不断寻找能填补这段关系为何失败原因的线索。
We search for things that will fill in the gaps of why this didn't work.
残酷的真相是，即使你能 pinpoint 事情破裂的确切时刻或原因，很可能也改变不了结局。
The hard truth is even if you could identify the exact moment or reason that things fell apart, it's probably not gonna change the outcome.
这段关系结束是有原因的，而执着于‘如果’只会延长你的痛苦。
The relationship ended for a reason, and clinging to what if really only prolongs your suffering.
我记得我那段暧昧关系就是这样，我不断试图说服他，只要他愿意承诺，我们一定会非常合适。
I remember this is what happened with that situation ship I was in, where I just was, like, trying to convince him constantly that if he committed, we would be really good together.
那个‘如果’，比如，如果你能暂时相信我一下呢？
That what if of like, what if you just believed me for a second?
如果你能看见我所看见的呢？
What if you just saw what I saw?
你知道的，那样我们就能一起拥有美好的生活。
You know, then we could have this amazing life together.
整个情况其实只是一个幻想，而我却在强迫某人去相信一些他们并不想证实、也不一定想要的东西。
That that whole situation was a fantasy, and I was trying to force somebody to believe in something that they didn't want proof of and that they didn't necessarily want.
这实际上关乎控制，我试图控制一个让我感到极度脆弱的局面，以免结果让我对自己更失望。
And what it was really about was control, me trying to control a situation that made me feel really vulnerable so that the outcome didn't make me feel worse about myself.
好吧。
Okay.
既然我们现在对这种痛苦有了更好的理解，我想来谈谈分手的整个过程以及你会经历什么。
So now that we understand the pain, hopefully, a little bit better, I wanna go through the life cycle of a breakup and what to expect.
你有哪些迹象表明自己正在愈合？
What are the signs that you're healing?
你好转的迹象是什么？
What are the signs that you're getting better?
在这段心碎的下一章中，等待你的会是什么？
What kind of awaits you in the next chapter of this heartbreak?
心碎对每个人来说显然都不同，但心脏愈合的方式实际上似乎遵循着非常相似的模式和时间线。
Heartbreak is obviously different for everyone, but the way the heart mends itself, like, actually seems to follow a very similar pattern and set of timelines.
我无法给你一个确切的数字。
Now I can't give you an absolute number.
我无法告诉你具体需要多少个月才能感觉好转，但我们可以谈谈各个阶段。
I can't give you an exact date or the number of months that it's gonna take before you feel better, but we can talk about the stages.
已经有人尝试过对分手的生命周期进行分类。
There have been a couple of attempts to kind of do this to kind of categorize the life cycle of a breakup.
最著名的是伊丽莎白·库布勒-罗斯的哀伤阶段理论。
The most famous one is obviously the stage of grief theory by Elizabeth Kulbler Ross.
这个理论，你可能听说过。
This theory, you've probably heard of it.
它最初是为描述人们在亲人去世后经历悲伤的过程而开发的。
It basically was developed to describe how people move through the grief that occurs when somebody dies.
后来人们发现，这一理论同样适用于关系破裂时的悲伤，其阶段包括否认、愤怒、讨价还价、抑郁和接受。
People then realize it also applies to the grief of when a relationship dies, but the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
该理论认为，你必须在自己的节奏中经历每一个阶段，才能真正准备好向前走。
The theory is you have to go through each stage in your own time to get to a point when you're really ready to move on.
我觉得这个理论相当准确，但我也有自己的模型，我认为它更能准确描述这一过程，我称之为分手的三波浪潮。
I find that it that theory is quite accurate, but I also have my own model that I think describes it a little bit better, and I describe it as the three waves of the breakup.
所以在你真正进入分手阶段之前，我认为在你开始能够走出伤痛之前，你会经历震惊和否认的阶段。
So before you even get into the breakup, I think before you even actually start to be able to move on, you are gonna go through that stage of shock and of denial.
我们每个人都会经历这个阶段。
Every single one of us is gonna have this.
它可能持续一分钟、一天、一个月，甚至三个月。
It could last a minute, a day, a month, three months.
本质上，你需要一些时间才能真正意识到自己所处的情感状况，这就是为什么你的情绪需要一段时间才能跟上现实。
Essentially, it's gonna maybe take a while for you to really realize the emotional situation you're in, and that's why it can take some time for your emotions to catch up to your reality.
正如我所说，我花了四个月才真正为第一次分手哀悼，整整四个月我都没哭，因为我还处于震惊的状态。
Like I said, it took me four months to really grieve that first breakup, four months before I even cried because I was still in this shock feeling.
你知道吗，分手后的几天里，你可能会醒来，完全忘记这件事曾经发生过。
You know, you may wake up for a few days, you know, afterwards just kinda forgetting that it even happened.
你可能会真心觉得自己没事了。
You may really genuinely feel that you're fine.
你已经放下了。
You're already over it.
很抱歉，我要说这种感觉是一种欺骗。
I'm sorry to say that feeling is a trick.
这种感觉是一种谎言。
That feeling is a lie.
在某个阶段，大门实际上会打开，那时真正的疗愈和心碎才真正开始。
At some stage, the gates are actually gonna open, and that's when the healing and the heartbreak really begins.
而那就是第一波情绪真正来袭的时候。
And that's when the first wave actually occurs.
分手后的第一波情绪，无论哪种分手，我都称之为情绪混乱阶段。
The first wave of of a breakup, of any breakup, is what I call the emotional mess stage.
当最初的震惊消退后，你才会第一次真正面对这段感情破裂后留下的情感废墟的残酷现实。
After that shock falls away, this is when you first encounter, like, the true reality, the raw truth of the emotional wreckage of of what's happened.
在这第一波情绪中，你会做出一些愚蠢的事，而你有权利这么做。
In this first wave, you will do and you have permission to do stupid things.
这是必然的。
It's a given.
你会去剪个刘海。
You're gonna get bangs.
你会拼命试图和前任做朋友。
You're going to try desperately to be friends with your ex.
你会不断回去寻找了结。
You're gonna keep going back looking for closure.
你会喝得烂醉。
You're gonna get too drunk.
你会在尴尬的地方哭泣。
You're gonna cry in embarrassing places.
这是必然的。
It is a requirement.
如果你还没经历这些，那你可能还处于震惊阶段。
If you have not gone through this, you are probably still in the shock phase.
真正发生的是，你所有的爱都无处安放。
What's really happening is that all the love that you have has nowhere to go.
所以你会冲动地做出反应。
So you respond impulsively.
你会以极大的强度做出反应。
You respond with great intensity.
我倾向于认为，这就像伤口敞开的第一阶段。
I tend to think of it as, like, the first stage of having an open wound.
就像血一直在四处喷涌，这完全正常。
Like, blood is just gushing everywhere, and that's totally normal.
这是我真正推荐的，我知道听起来可能很简单，但我真的建议你三十天内完全断绝联系。
This is what I really recommend, and I'm gonna I know it's gonna sound basic, but I really do recommend you go no contact for thirty days.
无论你们分手时的状况是好是坏，从神经学角度来看，如果你不再不断被触发或提醒对方的存在，不再持续强化他们在你生活中的角色和存在感，你会更容易从这段关系中走出来。
Whatever terms you ended the relationship on, good or bad, neurologically, it's gonna be easier for you to move on from this situation if you are not constantly triggered and reminded of their existence or if their role and presence in your life is not continuingly like, continuing to be reinforced.
你需要停止那些将你与对方关联起来的神经元和突触连接的激活。
You need to stop those neurons and stop those synaptic connections that associate you with them from firing.
我最喜欢的一种描述方式是，当你断绝联系时，你就能更清晰地听到自己的声音，感受到自己的情绪。
The way I really like to describe it is when you go no contact, you're able to hear your own voice and feel your own emotions more clearly.
这就像是能独自和自己对话，而不听到别人的声音在你耳边喋喋不休。
It's like being able to just have a conversation with yourself without hearing somebody else's voice, like, talking over you.
你们每个人都会以非常不同的方式处理这段分手。
You're each gonna handle this breakup very differently.
在某个阶段，你们每个人都试图说服对方接受你看待问题的方式。
And at some stage, like, each of you is gonna try and convince the other person to see it the way that you see it.
你不需要另一个声音干扰你的感受，打断你情绪的处理过程。
You don't need that other voice talking over how you feel and interrupting your emotional processing.
保持无接触状态只是给你时间去思考你对这段关系的看法，并且慢慢消化痛苦。
Going no contact just gives you the time to concentrate on what you think about the situation and to also just kind of work through the pain.
我总是说，像这样突然切断一段关系可能会感觉更痛苦，但相比慢慢疏远或逐渐退出，它能大大加快愈合过程，而后者只会让痛苦持续更久，伤口愈合得更慢。
I always say that, like, going cold turkey on a relationship might feel a lot more painful, but it speeds the process up a lot compared to slowly trying to move away or slowly trying to withdraw from somebody, which is just gonna make the pain and make the wound heal so much slower.
在第一波情绪中，通常某个事件会触发你进入第二波情绪。
During the first wave, typically, an event will trigger you to move into the second wave.
而通常，这种情况有点不幸。
And, typically, this is something that's a little bit unfortunate.
你发现他们已经开始和别人交往了。
You find out that they're seeing somebody new.
在无接触期结束后，你们进行了一次激烈的对峙。
You have a big confrontational chat after the no contact.
你看到了他们真实的一面。
You see their true colors.
你终于明白了你们无法在一起的根本原因。
You realize finally the big reason you can't be together.
这将你推入第二阶段，真正的深度愈合由此开始。
This pushes you into the second wave where the real deep healing begins.
第二阶段，深度愈合期。
Second wave, deep healing stage.
临时的应对方式不再有效。
The temporary fixes no longer work.
外出也无法再让痛苦消失。
Going out doesn't keep the pain away.
你无法逃避这段关系无法挽回的深重悲伤。
You can't outrun the serious grief that this relationship isn't gonna work.
它不会再回来了。
It's not gonna come back.
这时你会感到非常绝望。
And this is when you feel very hopeless.
你经常哭泣。
You cry a lot.
感觉非常黑暗。
It feels very dark.
这也是你必须直面痛苦的时候。
It's also when you really have to look the pain in the eye.
度过这一波主要靠时间，但也有一些事情肯定会有所帮助。
Surviving this wave is mainly about time, but there are some things that will definitely help as well.
所以不要约会是一个关键点。
So not dating is a big one.
多和朋友在一起，深入发展你的爱好，积极地宠爱自己，带自己出去吃饭，用让你兴奋的事情填满你的社交日程，这些都会非常有帮助。
Being around your friends, really sinking deeper into your hobbies, dating yourself in a really active way, taking yourself out for dinner, filling up your social calendar with things that you're excited to do are all really going to help.
当你开始逐渐进入这种状态时，你会越来越少地想到他们。
When you start to kind of get into the flow of this, you're gonna be thinking about them a lot less.
你会开始想，嘿。
You're gonna be thinking like, hey.
我觉得我能挺过这一关。
I think I'm I think I'm gonna survive this.
那就是你经历第三波情绪的时候，也就是接受。
That's when you experience the third wave, which is acceptance.
但在你到达那里之前，你还会经历另一波悲痛。
But before you can get there, you are gonna experience one more wave of grief.
我会解释为什么会出现这种情况，它是什么感觉，以及在短暂休息后如何度过这著名的第三波。
And I'm gonna talk about why that is, what it feels like, and how to get through that infamous third wave after this short break.
我是调查记者梅丽莎·耶尔岑。
I'm investigative journalist Melissa Jeltsin.
我的新播客《纳什维尔发生了什么》讲述了辅助生殖诊所灾难性崩溃，以及患者们在随之而来的混乱中团结起来的故事。
My new podcast, what happened in Nashville, tells the story of an IVF clinic's catastrophic collapse and the patients who banded together in the chaos that followed.
我们有一些突发新闻要告诉你们。
We have some breaking news to tell you about.
田纳西州总检察长正在起诉一位纳什维尔的医生。
Tennessee's attorney general is suing a Nashville doctor.
2024年4月，纳什维尔一家生育诊所一夜之间关闭，超过一千个冷冻胚胎被锁在门内。
In April 2024, a fertility clinic in Nashville shut down overnight, and trapped behind locked doors were more than a thousand frozen embryos.
我吓坏了。
I was terrified.
在我们整个经历中，那是最糟糕的时刻。
Out of all of our journey, that was the worst moment ever.
那时我根本没有意识到接下来会迎来怎样的抗争。
At that point, it didn't occur to me what fight was gonna come to follow.
但这个故事不仅仅关乎几个家庭的未来。
But this story isn't just about a few families' futures.
它关乎现代生育医疗的承诺是否根本不可信。
It's about whether the promise of modern fertility care can be trusted at all.
无论我多么努力抗争，无论我为这一切哭得多伤心，都无济于事。
It doesn't matter how much I fight, Doesn't matter how much I cry over all of this.
无论我们获得多少正义，都无济于事。
It doesn't matter how much justice we get.
这些都无法让我怀孕。
None of it's gonna get me pregnant.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您收听播客的任何平台收听纳什维尔发生的事。
Listen to What Happened in Nashville on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
如果无法想象的事情发生了，你会打电话给谁？
Who would you call if the unthinkable happened?
我摔倒了，开始大喊大叫。
I just fell and started screaming.
如果你以最可怕的方式失去了你深爱的人。
If you lost someone you loved in the most horrific way.
我说那个小偷被开了二十二枪。
I said thief was shot 22 times.
警察。
The police.
对吧？
Right?
但如果你需要求助的人，恰恰是你最害怕的人呢？
But what if the person you're supposed to go to for help is the one you're the most afraid of?
这家伙是魔鬼。
This dude is the devil.
他是个蛇蝎心肠的人。
He's a snake.
他会伤害你。
He'll hurt you.
我保护你。
I got you.
我保护你了。
I got got you.
我是妮基·理查森，欢迎收听《闺蜜们：不可触碰》。
I'm Nikki Richardson, and this is The Girlfriends, Untouchable.
警探罗杰·加卢普斯基数十年来在堪萨斯城恐吓并性侵黑人女性，利用警徽让他们噤声。
Detective Roger Galupski spent decades intimidating and sexually abusing Black women across Kansas City, using his police badge to scare them into silence.
这是一个警探看似凌驾于法律之上，直到我们团结起来将他绳之以法的故事。
This is the story of a detective who seemed above the law until we came together to take him down.
我告诉罗杰·戈卢布斯基，我说：你会一直看到我的脸，直到你死的那天。
I told Roger Golubski, I said, you're gonna see my face till the day that you die.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你收听播客的任何平台收听《女友们：不可触碰》。
Listen to The Girlfriends, Untouchable, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
嗨，凯尔。
Hi, Kyle.
你能帮我起草一份简单的商业计划书吗？就一页，用 Google 文档，然后把链接发给我？
Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc and send me the link?
谢谢。
Thanks.
嘿，我刚给你把那页纸的商业计划写好了。
Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.
这是链接。
Here's the link.
但根本就没有链接。
But there was no link.
展开剩余字幕（还有 393 条）
根本没有商业计划。
There was no business plan.
这不怪他。
It's not his fault.
我还没让凯尔具备完成这项任务的能力。
I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet.
我的名字是埃文·拉蒂夫。
My name is Evan Ratliff.
在听了OpenAI首席执行官萨姆·阿尔特曼说的很多类似内容后，我决定创造我的AI联合创始人凯尔。
I decided to create Kyle, my AI cofounder, after hearing a lot of stuff like this from OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.
现在有一个赌局，预测第一年会出现一家由一人创立的十亿美元公司，这在没有AI的情况下是难以想象的，但现在它将成真。
There's this betting pool for the first year that there's a one person billion dollar company, which would have been, like, unimaginable without AI, and now it will happen.
我开始想，我能不能成为那个人？
I got to thinking, could I be that one person?
我之前曾为我获奖的播客《Shell Game》制作过AI代理。
I'd made AI agents before for my award winning podcast, Shell Game.
在《Shell Game》本季中，我正尝试用虚假的人打造一家拥有真实产品的公司。
This season on Shell Game, I'm trying to build a real company with a real product run by fake people.
哦，嘿，埃文。
Oh, hey, Evan.
很高兴你加入我们。
Good to have you join us.
我找到了一些关于AI代理在中小型企业中采用率的有趣数据。
I found some really interesting data on adoption rates for AI agents in small to medium businesses.
请在iHeartRadio应用或你收听播客的任何平台收听《Shell Game》。
Listen to Shell Game on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
嗨。
Hi.
我是丹尼·夏皮罗，热门播客《家庭秘密》的主持人。
I'm Danny Shapiro, host of the hit podcast Family Secrets.
我们开车时，放起了《滚石》这首歌，他说歌里有一句是关于你妈妈的。
We were in the car, like a rolling stone came on, and he said, there's a line in there about your mother.
我说，什么？
And I said, what?
如果我觉得自己不被接纳，我会选择一个别人无法拥有的身份。
What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have.
我知道在半夜发生了一些事，
I knew something had happened to me in the middle of
但我无法抓住那究竟发生了什么。
the night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened.
这些只是我将在《家庭秘密》第十三季中深入探讨的一些感人而重要的故事。
These are just a few of the moving and important stories I'll be holding space for on my upcoming thirteenth season of Family Secrets.
无论你是从第一季就一直陪伴着我，还是刚刚加入《家庭秘密》大家庭，我们都非常高兴有你同行。
Whether you've been on this journey with me from season one, or are just joining the Family Secrets family, we're so happy to have you with us.
我将深入探索秘密那无比强大的力量——它们塑造我们的身份、考验我们的关系，并最终揭示我们真正的模样。
I'll dive deep into the incredible power of secrets the ones that shape our identities, test our relationships, and ultimately reveal who we truly are.
请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你常用的任何播客平台收听《家庭秘密》。
Listen to Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
你知道，最阴暗的地方就在这里。
You know the shade is always shadiest right here.
播客第六季《合理阴暗》与吉塞尔·布莱恩和罗宾·迪克森一起上线，每周一更新。
Season six of the podcast, reasonably shady with Giselle Bryan and Robin Dixon is here dropping every Monday.
作为《实境主妇：波托马克》的创始成员之一，我们将为你带来你能承受的所有笑料、戏剧和真人秀新闻。
As two of the founding members of the Real Housewives of Potomac, we're giving you all the laughs, drama, and reality news you can handle.
你知道我们从不保留，所以每周一都来和我们一起体验合理或阴暗吧。
And you know we don't hold back, so come be reasonable or shady with us each and every Monday.
我正在 neighborhood 里散步。
I was going through a walk in my neighborhood.
嗯。
Mhmm.
突然间，
Out of the blue,
我看到这个
I see this
旁边有块巨大的牌子。
huge sign next to somebody's house.
嗯。
K.
牌子上写着，
The sign Yeah.
我的邻居是个凯伦。
Says, my neighbor is a Karen.
哦，真的吗？
Oh, what?
不可能。
No way.
我笑死了。
I died laughing.
我当时就想，我必须弄清楚。
Was like, I have to know.
你在撒谎。
You are lying.
巨大无比，各位。
Humongous, y'all.
他们有的是时间。
They had some time on their hands.
收听来自Black Effect Podcast Network的《Reasonably Shady》，在iHeartRadio应用、Apple Podcasts或你收听播客的任何平台。
Listen to reasonably shady from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
我真心认为，分手后除了最初的毁灭性打击之外，第二难熬的阶段，永远都是在情况即将迅速好转之前的那一刻。
I truly think the second hardest part of a breakup after, of course, like, the initial devastation is actually always gonna be right before things get easier very quickly.
这一点我深有体会，不仅来自我自己的经历，也来自他人的经历。
And I know this from experience, not just my own, but from other people's.
你知道，就是当你觉得‘我真的撑不下去了’的那一刻。
You know, the moment you think, I just don't think I can survive this any longer.
我已经竭尽全力了。
I'm doing everything I can.
我停不下对他们的思念。
I can't stop thinking about them.
这才是真正达到接受状态的时候。
That is truly when you come to a state of acceptance.
当你意识到，我唯一能挺过这一切的方式，就是更好地理解自己，真正深入到困境的核心。
When you come to realize, like, the only way I can survive this is by understanding myself better and is by actually going further into the belly of the beast.
你会开始获得更多的清晰感。
You begin to really find a lot more clarity.
在第三阶段，我强烈建议你开始记录下你学到的东西。
And this is where in this third wave, like, I really recommend you start journaling about what you've learned.
你会更清楚地看到模式。
You begin to see patterns more clearly.
你会开始真正地吸收这些教训。
You begin to be able to, like, really soak in the lessons.
在第三阶段，你也可能最后一次联系他们。
It may also be in this third wave when you contact them one last time.
你完成最后的告别，这时你真正开始重新信任自己的直觉，比如去认识其他人、做出重大的人生决定。
You do that final farewell, and it's when you really start to trust your intuition again about maybe seeing other people, making big life decisions.
你接下来的人生篇章会是什么？
What's the next chapter for you gonna hold?
你第一次在几个月里感到乐观多于悲观。
You feel more optimistic for the first time in months than you feel pessimistic.
我想把一件事说清楚。
I wanna make something clear.
处于第三波或更后期、进入完全接受阶段时，仍然会突然想起他们、不由自主地想他们、甚至想念他们，这完全正常。
It is totally normal to be in wave three or beyond, to be in, like, the total acceptance stage and still get flashbacks of them, to still find yourself thinking about them, even missing them.
这并不是要复合的信号。
This is not a sign to get back together.
这些不由自主的记忆闪回，只不过是我们所说的‘思维突现’。
These involuntary memory flare ups, they are no more than what we call mind pops.
实际上，我在我的书里谈过这一点，我专门写了一整章关于心碎的内容。
And I talked about this in my book, actually, where I did my whole chapter on heartbreak.
这些思维闪回是心理学家和科学家最近才命名的现象。
These mind pops are something that psychologists and scientists have labeled recently.
这基本上是指我们的大脑突然将记忆和信息带到意识层面，以便我们判断它们是否仍然相关。
It's basically where our brain just suddenly brings about memories and information to the surface so that we can determine whether it's still relevant or not.
这种不由自主的记忆回溯是由环境触发的，比如一种气味、一句歌词、一个地方或一种食物。
It is this involuntary memory recall that is triggered by the environment, triggered by something happening by a a smell, a song lyric, a place, a food.
我们甚至没有意识到，但突然间，你就回到了那个时空，多年后依然回忆起他们。
We don't even know it, and suddenly you're right back in that place in time reminiscing on them all those years later.
如果一段记忆特别充满情感，它就可能会反复出现。
If a memory is particularly emotionally loaded, like, it's gonna come up a few times.
也许只是因为你感到无聊，也许只是因为你的抑制力降低了。
Maybe just because you're bored, maybe just because your inhibitions are down.
不要害怕。
Don't try and be afraid.
不要试图压抑这些想法。
Don't try and suppress these thoughts.
它们是超常的。
They are supernormal.
它们只不过是你的大脑以奇怪的方式放电而已。
They are nothing more than your brain just deciding to fire in strange ways.
不要让这些想法让你觉得你需要回到那个人身边。
Do not let it make you think that you need to go back to this person.
我希望你以谨慎和中立的态度对待这些思维闪现。
I want you to approach these mind pops cautiously and with neutrality.
你感到想念他们，这完全正常。
It is totally normal that you're gonna miss them.
你曾感到与他们有联系。
You felt connected.
他们曾是你生活的一部分。
They were a part of your life.
也许事情是以一种不令人满意的方式结束的。
Maybe things ended in an unsatisfactory way.
这并不意味着你仍然需要在情感上投入其中。
That doesn't mean that you still have to be emotionally invested in them.
同样重要的是，你要质疑自己是否在浪漫化一段从未真正发生过的感情。
It's also essential to question how you may be romanticizing parts of your relationship that never actually happened.
我们只记得美好时光，这背后是有原因的。
There's a reason why we only remember the good times.
这被称为波利安娜原则。
It's known as the Pollyanna principle.
这是一种积极的认知偏差，使我们更容易清晰地记住美好的时光，而非糟糕的时刻，因此我们更执着于这些回忆，从而对这段关系产生不切实际的看法。
A positive cognitive bias is what is occurring, whereby we remember the good times more clearly than the bad, and therefore we fixate on them more, and they give us an unrealistic view of the relationship.
我们常常浪漫化过去，以保护自己免受负面记忆的伤害。
Often, we romanticize the past to protect ourselves from negative memories.
在这个过程中，我们进行了一种被称为选择性回忆的行为。
And in the process, we engage in something called selective recall.
当我们想到前任或某段无果的爱恋时，我们只记得那些让他们特别的地方。
When we think about our ex or some unrequited love, all we remember is what made them special.
而所有其他事情——未回复的消息、缺乏努力、不快乐——都被忽略了。
And all the other things, the unanswered messages, the lack of effort, the unhappiness, that is left out.
当你以错误的方式回忆整段关系时，即使你本意良好，也无法释怀也就不足为奇了。
And it's no wonder you can't move on when you are remembering your entire relationship incorrectly despite your best intentions.
我要说一些你现在可能不想听的话，但这些话迟早会发生。
I'm gonna say something you may not wanna hear right now, but that's gonna happen.
分手没有捷径可走。
There is no fast forwarding through a breakup.
我认为，无论悲伤持续一周还是五年，都是为爱付出的代价，而我认为这代价很公平。
I think grief, whether it lasts a week to five years, is the price you pay for love, and I think it's a pretty fair price.
我要说的第二件事，你可能不喜欢，那就是你必须在这段经历中找到一些美，或者至少找到一点浪漫。
The second thing I'm gonna say that you may not like is that you do have to find the beauty in this a little bit or at least the romance.
当我提到浪漫时，我真正指的是意义。
And when I mean romance, what I really mean is meaning.
为什么会发生这一切？
Why did this happen?
这如何构成你故事的一部分？
How is this part of your story?
你打算从这段经历中创造什么？
What are you going to create from this?
因为真的，你会因为这份痛苦而塑造出一个更美好的自己和生活，而不是在它的对立面。
Because by gosh, you are going to build and make something beautiful of yourself and your life because of this pain not in spite of it.
就像，我一开始确实说过这句话。
Like, I genuinely I said this at the beginning.
分手就像是肥沃的土壤，可以播下你新生活的种子。
Breakups are just, like, such fertile soil to the to plant the seeds of your new life.
在分手的废墟中，你能做的事情太多了。
There is so much you can do out of, like, out of the rubble of a breakup.
我真的无法向你表达，因为有人和我分手，我的整个人生发生了怎样的改变——这种改变是如此深刻，比我当初选择留下、或者再拖五六个月才分手、甚至如果我们从未在一起，都要好得多。
Like, I cannot express to you how my whole life is different because somebody broke up with me, and my whole life is different in a way that is and I can tell is profoundly better than what it would have been if I'd stayed or if we'd broken up, you know, five months, six months later, or if we'd actually never been together.
这一切都变得有意义了。
It all makes sense.
这都是故事的一部分。
It's all part of the story.
所以我认为是时候给你一些我的建议了，这些是我用来度过这段时期、基于心理学的最重要建议。
So I think it's time to give you some of my tips, the best tips that I use that I are important for getting through this that are based in psychology.
我给你的第一个重要建议是：要度过这次分手，你需要重新安排你的生活环境。
The first big tip that I have for you is to survive this breakup, you need to restructure your environment.
这包括清除所有与这个人有关的纪念品。
This involves getting rid of any reminders of this person.
此外，还要引入新的物品、新的颜色、新的事物、新的图像，反映你正在步入的新生活和新心态。
And then on top of that, introducing new objects, new colors, new things, new images that reflect the new life and new mindset that you are stepping into.
在我第一次惨痛的分手后，我进行了一次彻底的清理。
After my first terrible breakup, I did a I did a clean sweep.
所有让我想起他的东西，我都装进了一个箱子，然后存了起来。
Everything that reminded me of him, they went in a box and that and it went into storage.
现在我都说不上那个箱子在哪儿了。
And I couldn't tell you where that box is now.
我只是需要它彻底消失。
I just needed it to be gone.
我还订购了很多我最喜欢的画作海报，挂在墙上。
I also ordered a bunch of posters of my favorite art to hang up on my walls.
我还把房间里的很多东西重新粉刷了一遍。
I also painted a bunch of stuff in my room.
我把所有的家具都重新摆放了。
I moved all of my furniture around.
我买了新的床单。
I bought new bedsheets.
我只是想要一些能代表我、代表我想拥有的单身生活的物品。
I just wanted stuff that was gonna represent me and represent, you know, this life that I wanted to have as a single person.
环境心理学的研究表明，我们的 surroundings 在这种时候会深刻影响我们的情绪和行为。
Research in environmental psychology shows that our surroundings profoundly affect our emotions and behaviors, especially in times like this.
有一位名叫库尔特·勒温的人提出过一个非常著名的方程，他的方程基本上是：你的行为是你的自身和你所处环境的函数。
There is this very famous equation that was described by this individual called Kurt Lewin, and his equation is basically that behavior your behavior is a function both of the person you are and of your environment.
当你的居住空间充满了过去恋情的回忆时，你如何能期望自己在不断触发关于这个人以及他们已离开你生活的记忆和情感痛苦时，行为却能有所不同呢？
So when your living space is filled with reminders of a past relationship, how do you expect yourself to behave any differently when you are continuously triggering memories and the emotional pain of this person and the fact they're not in your life anymore?
你必须非常刻意地改变你的环境——重新布置家具、重新装饰、更换物品，让环境中新的物理线索象征你所关心的事物，象征那些对你独立重要的东西，象征你新的人生。
You need to be so deliberate about changing your environment, rearranging furniture, redecorating, replacing so that the new physical cues in your environment symbolize the things that you care about, symbolize the things that are independently important to you, and symbolize your new life.
好的。
Okay.
第二个建议：找一个项目，把它变成一个你以前从未感兴趣、而对方也完全不了解的爱好或事情。
Tip number two, get a project and make it a project or a hobby or something that you have never showed interest in before and that they would know nothing about.
对我来说，那就是这个播客。
For me, that was this podcast.
我无法形容这个播客在我度过那些情绪时有多么重要。
I cannot tell you, like, how important this podcast was for me to get through those emotions.
但真正重要的是，我正在学习所有这些新技能。
But what was so important about it was it was like I was learning all these new skills.
我正在为自己创造一个全新的生活，而他对此一无所知，也与这个人毫无关联。
I was creating this whole new life for myself that he didn't know anything about, that had no no connection to this individual.
我也认为，我们很少会像在深陷情感痛苦时那样，有如此强烈的动力去向自己证明些什么。
I also think that we are rarely as motivated to prove something to ourselves as we are when we are in deep emotional pain.
你知道，你现在正拥有对自己而言最纯粹的动机之一。
You know, you really have, like, one of the purest forms of motivation for yourself right now.
心碎就像是让你做事和重塑自我的海洛因。
Heartbreak is like heroin for getting stuff done and for reinventing yourself.
你知道，无论是把自己投入到健身房、写一本书、写诗、开始种园子，还是独自旅行，都有一个原因——世界上一半的歌曲都是分手歌。
You know, whether that is throwing yourself into the gym, you know, writing a book, writing poetry, starting a garden, solo traveling, like, there is a reason half of the music out there is breakup songs.
你所有的感受都会赤裸裸地浮现在表面。
Every feeling that you have is is gonna be right on the surface.
这些情绪很容易触及，也很容易将它们转化为让你真正感到自豪的东西。
It's so easy to access, and it's so easy to take those feelings and to convert them into something that you are really, really proud of.
第三，我的第三个建议是找一个分手伙伴。
Number three, my third tip is to get a breakup buddy.
前几天我和朋友格蕾丝聊到这个，但有一个正在经历同样事情的朋友，会让整个过程变得容易承受得多。
I was talking to my friend Grace about this the other day, but having a friend or a person that is going through it with you makes this whole process, like, totally more bearable.
我认为，与那些可能仍处于恋爱中或很久没经历过分手的朋友相比，这让你更能坦诚和反思。
And I think it allows you to be more honest and reflective compared to with your friends who are maybe still in relationships or people who haven't been through a breakup in a in a while.
当你和你的分手伙伴谈论分手时，你会参与心理学家所说的共同调节过程。
When you talk through your breakup with your breakup buddy, you engage in a process that psychologists call co regulation.
当两个人经历相似的事情并坦诚分享自己的故事、反思和真实感受时，他们实际上会帮助彼此调节情绪。
And this is where two people actually help regulate each other's emotions because they're going through something similar, and they are sharing very vulnerably their story, their reflections, and their truth.
这让我们能够从他人的平静中汲取力量，从他人的情绪和经验中获得养分。
And it actually allows us to feed off other other people's calm, to feed off the other person's emotions, to feed off their learnings.
2011年的一项关于情感倾诉的研究发现，向与你处境相似的人表达痛苦的情绪，实际上能减轻抑郁症状，并缩短包括心碎在内的多种疾病的恢复时间。
There was a 2011 study on emotional disclosure that found expressing painful emotions to someone who was in similar circumstances to you actually reduces depressive symptoms, and it improves recovery time for all number of illnesses, including heartbreak.
它还能让你感觉不那么孤单。
It also just makes you a lot less lonely.
我认为，孤独是这段经历中最难熬的部分。
I think the loneliness is the heart hardest part of this.
对吧？
Right?
也许自从这段关系结束后，你的许多朋友都进入了新的恋情。
Maybe since this relationship occurred, a lot of your friends have found themselves in relationships.
而你可能是最后一个还单身的人。
And maybe you're the last single person.
人们都很忙。
People are busy.
也许你住在一座新城市。
Maybe you live in a new city.
这种孤独感会让你迫不及待地回到一段并不理想的恋情中，快得让你来不及说‘boo’，因为这似乎是唯一能让你感觉良好的方式。
That loneliness can have you running back to a less than good relationship faster than you can say boo because it is the only thing that's gonna make you feel good.
所以，去找你的那个‘分手伙伴’吧。
So find your person.
相信我，当你开始寻找时，他们会无处不在。
Trust me when you start looking, they're everywhere.
他们在读书会、跑步俱乐部、派对、画廊开幕、朋友的生日派对上。
They're in book clubs, run clubs, raves, gallery opening, friends birthday parties.
你会遇到一个和你一样正经历最大心碎的人，这将成为你最大的慰藉。
You're gonna find somebody who is also going through their biggest heartbreak just like you, and it's gonna be your biggest comfort.
我觉得这会成为你们日后回望时的一段回忆。
And I think it's gonna be something you guys can always look back on.
你们曾并肩走过艰难岁月。
Like, you went through the trenches together.
你们一起度过了这段非常艰难的时光。
You you went through this really hard time together.
这与一个更普遍的建议息息相关。
This kind of links to a bigger tip in general.
你真的需要走出自己的思绪，走进世界，主动去结识新的人。
You really need to get out of your head and into the world and commit to meeting new people.
你可能已经失去了主要的联系。
You may have lost your main connection.
你知道的？
You know?
你可能失去了你深爱的这个人，但研究人员估计，这段关系的价值相当于五段较小的友谊或联系。
You may have lost this person that you love, but researchers estimate that that relationship is worth about five smaller friendships or connections.
所以这意味着，你知道，这并不是一种损失。
So what that means is that, you know, that's not a loss.
现在你有了大量的空间。
Now you have all this space.
就像发现了一个全新的衣橱，你可以去填满它。
It's like finding a whole new closet that you get to fill.
也就是说，你的生活中有了大量空间，可以容纳新的联系、新的关系。
Like, you have all this space in your life for new connections, new relationships.
填满这个衣橱。
Fill the closet.
用这些新的人填满这个衣橱。
Fill the closet with these new people.
听起来真有点吓人。
That sounds really creepy.
只是用那些可能超越你下一段关系或再下一段关系的友谊来填满你的时间和空间。
Just fill your time and your space with connections that platonically might outlast your next relationship or the one after that.
我的第四个建议是利用视觉化的力量，让你更清晰地看到这段关系，也更清晰地看到你的未来。
My fourth tip is to use the power of visualization to allow yourself to see the relationship more clearly and also see your future more clearly.
我想让你从两个角度想象你未来五年的生活。
I want you to visualize the next five years of your life in two ways.
第一种方式是：如果你当初没有离开，你的生活现在会是什么样子？
The first way is what would your life look like five years from now if you'd stayed?
你可以把这一点写下来。
You can write about this.
如果你需要，可以写日记，但如果你留下来，你的生活真的会是什么样子？
You can journal this if you need, but what would it have looked like honestly if you had stayed?
其次，你真正希望五年后的生活是什么样子？
And secondly, what do you actually want it to look like in five years?
因为你不再处于这段关系中，你现在有机会做些什么？
And what do you now have the opportunity to do because you are not in this relationship?
这个练习只是要求你对自己真正地、非常诚实地面对。
This exercise just asks you to be really, really honest with yourself.
这段关系没有成功，一定有它的原因。
There was a reason this relationship didn't work out.
即使原因仅仅是对方不再爱你了，有些事情是强求不来的，有些问题终究会侵蚀这段关系，最终导致你们在将来分手。
Even if the reason was simply because the other person wasn't in love anymore, there are things that can't be forced, and there are things that would have eventually eroded the relationship, would have meant that you would have broken up further down the line.
这段关系要求你成为什么样的人？它又希望你变成什么样的人，而这些可能并不是最好的你？
What was this relationship asking you to be, and what was it asking you to become that maybe wasn't gonna be your best?
现在你不再身处这段关系中，你有了机会去塑造未来五年、十年、二十年的人生，置身于一个完全不同的环境、完全不同的空间，或许在各种不同的关系和地方中。
And now that you're not in it, you now have this opportunity to shape the next five years, the next ten years, twenty years of your life in a whole different environment, a whole different space, maybe in all these different relationships and places.
你打算如何去做？
How are you gonna go about it?
我认为这个问题真正想让你做的是，清晰地看清你自己的愿景。
I think what this question is really asking you to do is to just get clear on the vision for yourself.
你知道，现在只剩下你一个人了。
You know, it's just you.
你想要什么？
What do you want?
你想要追求什么？
What do you wanna strive for?
你想要把这次失去转化为什么？
What do you wanna turn this loss into?
因为通过深入探究并真正质疑自己究竟想要从生活中得到什么，会带来许多巨大的收获。
Because there are, like, so many big wins that come out of just investigating and really questioning what do I actually want from my life.
现在你身边不再有需要考虑的其他人了。
And now you don't have somebody else in it that you have to think about.
自由的空间变得多得多。
There's just so much more room for freedom.
这引出了我在短暂休息后的最后一个建议。
This really lends to my final tip after this short break.
我是调查记者梅丽莎·耶尔岑。
I'm investigative journalist Melissa Jeltsin.
我的新播客《纳什维尔发生了什么》讲述了辅助生殖诊所灾难性崩溃以及患者们在随之而来的混乱中团结起来的故事。
My new podcast, what happened in Nashville, tells the story of an IVF clinic's catastrophic collapse and the patients who banded together in the chaos that followed.
我们有一些突发新闻要告诉你们。
We have some breaking news to tell you about.
田纳西州总检察长正在起诉一位纳什维尔的医生。
Tennessee's attorney general is suing a Nashville doctor.
2024年4月，一家纳什维尔的生育诊所一夜之间关闭，超过一千个冷冻胚胎被锁在了里面。
In April 2024, a fertility clinic in Nashville shut down overnight, and trapped behind locked doors were more than a thousand frozen embryos.
我当时吓坏了。
I was terrified.
在我们整个经历中，那是最糟糕的时刻。
Out of all of our journey, that was the worst moment ever.
那时我根本没有意识到，接下来会爆发怎样的抗争。
At that point, it didn't occur to me what fight was going to come to follow.
但这个故事不仅仅关乎几个家庭的未来。
But this story isn't just about a few families' futures.
这关乎现代辅助生育医疗的承诺是否根本值得信赖。
It's about whether the promise of modern fertility care can be trusted at all.
我再怎么抗争都没用。
It doesn't matter how much I fight.
我再怎么为这一切哭泣都没用。
It doesn't matter how much I cry over all of this.
我们获得再多正义都没用。
It doesn't matter how much justice we get.
这些都无法让我怀孕。
None of it's gonna get me pregnant.
请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您常用的播客平台收听《纳什维尔发生了什么》。
Listen to What Happened in Nashville on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
如果无法想象的事情发生了，你会打电话给谁？
Who would you call if the unthinkable happened?
我只是摔倒了，然后开始尖叫。
I just fell and started screaming.
如果你以最可怕的方式失去了你深爱的人。
If you lost someone you loved in the most horrific way.
我说，他们被开了22枪。
I said, they was shot 22 times.
警察。
The police.
对吧？
Right?
但如果你本该求助的人，恰恰是你最害怕的人呢？
But what if the person you're supposed to go to for help is the one you're the most afraid of?
这家伙就是魔鬼。
This dude is the devil.
他是个蛇蝎之人。
He's a snake.
他会伤害你。
He'll hurt you.
我罩着你。
I got you.
你。
You.
我罩着你。
I got you.
我是妮基·理查德森，欢迎收听《闺蜜们：不可触碰》。
I'm Nikki Richardson, and this is The Girlfriends, Untouchable.
侦探罗杰·戈卢布斯基数十年来在堪萨斯城恐吓并性侵黑人女性，利用警徽迫使她们保持沉默。
Detective Roger Golubski spent decades intimidating and sexually abusing black women across Kansas City, using his police badge to scare them into silence.
这是一个关于一位看似凌驾于法律之上的侦探，直到我们团结起来将他绳之以法的故事。
This is the story of a detective who seemed above the law until we came together to take him down.
我告诉罗杰·戈卢布斯基：你会一直看到我的脸，直到你死的那天。
I told Roger Golubski, I said, you're gonna see my face till the day that you die.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或你常用的播客平台收听《闺蜜们：不可触碰》。
Listen to The Girlfriends, Untouchable, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
嗨，凯尔。
Hi, Kyle.
你能帮我起草一份简单的商业计划书吗？就一页，用谷歌文档，然后把链接发给我？
Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc, and send me the link?
谢谢。
Thanks.
嘿，我刚给你把那页纸的商业计划写好了。
Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.
这是链接。
Here's the link.
但根本没链接。
But there was no link.
根本没有什么商业计划。
There was no business plan.
这不怪他。
It's not his fault.
我还没来得及编程让凯尔具备这个能力。
I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to do that yet.
我叫埃文·拉蒂夫。
My name is Evan Ratliff.
在听了OpenAI首席执行官萨姆·阿尔特曼说的很多类似内容后，我决定创造我的AI联合创始人凯尔。
I decided to create Kyle, my AI cofounder, after hearing a lot of stuff like this from OpenAI CEO Sam Altman.
现在有一个赌盘，预测第一年会出现一家由一个人创立的十亿美元公司，这在没有AI的情况下是难以想象的，但现在它将成真。
There's this betting pool for the first year that there's a one person billion dollar company, which would have been, like, unimaginable without AI, and now it will happen.
我开始想，我能不能成为那个人？
I got to thinking, could I be that one person?
我之前曾为我获奖的播客《壳牌游戏》制作过AI代理。
I'd made AI agents before for my award winning podcast, Shell Game.
在《壳牌游戏》本季中，我正尝试用虚假的人来打造一家拥有真实产品的真正公司。
This season on Shell Game, I'm trying to build a real company with a real product run by fake people.
哦，嗨，埃文。
Oh, hey, Evan.
很高兴你加入我们。
Good to have you join us.
我找到了一些关于AI代理在中小型企业中采用率的有趣数据。
I found some really interesting data on adoption rates for AI agents in small to medium businesses.
请在iHeartRadio应用或你收听播客的任何平台收听《Shell Game》。
Listen to Show Game on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
你知道，最阴暗的八卦总是就在这里。
You know the shade is always shadiest right here.
播客第六季《合理阴暗》，由吉塞尔·布莱恩和罗宾·迪克森主持，每周一更新。
Season six of the podcast, reasonably shady with Giselle Bryan and Robin Dixon is here dropping every Monday.
作为《实境主妇：波托马克》的创始成员之一，我们为你带来你能承受的所有笑料、戏剧和现实新闻。
As two of the founding members of the Real Housewives of Potomac, we're giving you all the laughs, drama, and reality news you can handle.
而且你知道我们从不收敛，所以每周一都来和我们一起合理地或阴暗地度过吧。
And you know we don't hold back, so come be reasonable or shady with us each and every Monday.
我正在我家附近散步。
I was going through a walk in my neighborhood.
嗯。
Mhmm.
突然间，
Out of the blue,
我看到一个
I see this
在某人家旁边有个巨大的牌子。
huge sign next to somebody's house.
哦。
K.
牌子上写着，
The sign
对。
Yeah.
我的邻居是个凯伦。
Says, my neighbor is a Karen.
不可能。
No way.
我笑死了。
I died laughing.
我当时想，你肯定在骗人。
I'm like, I have to know you are lying.
超大的，各位。
Humongous, y'all.
他们闲得没事干。
They had some time on their hands.
听好了
Listen
收听来自黑效播客网络的合理可疑节目，可在iHeartRadio应用、苹果播客或你使用的任何播客平台收听。
to reasonably shady from the black effect podcast network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.
嗨。
Hi.
我是丹尼·夏皮罗，热门播客《家庭秘密》的主持人。
I'm Danny Shapiro, host of the hit podcast, Family Secrets.
我们在车里，当《滚石》这首歌播放时，他说，歌里有一句关于你妈妈的歌词。
We were in the car like a rolling stone came on, and he said, there's a line in there about your mother.
我说，什么？
And I said, what?
如果我觉得自己不被接纳，我会选择一个别人无法拥有的身份。
What I would do if I didn't feel like I was being accepted is choose an identity that other people can't have.
我知道在半夜的时候，我身上发生了些什么。
I knew something had happened to me in the middle of the
但我无法记起到底发生了什么。
night, but I couldn't hold on to what had happened.
这些只是我将在即将播出的《家庭秘密》第十三季中呈现的部分感人而重要的故事。
These are just a few of the moving and important stories I'll be holding space for on my upcoming thirteenth season of Family Secrets.
无论你是从第一季就一直陪伴着我，还是刚刚加入《家庭秘密》大家庭，我们都非常高兴有你同行。
Whether you've been on this journey with me from season one, or just joining the Family Secrets family, we're so happy to have you with us.
我将深入探讨秘密那不可思议的力量——那些塑造我们身份、考验我们关系，并最终揭示我们真实自我的秘密。
I'll dive deep into the incredible power of secrets, the ones that shape our identities, test our relationships, and ultimately reveal who we truly are.
请在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您收听播客的任何平台收听《家庭秘密》。
Listen to Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
我们常常在他人身上寻求了结，期待那场最终的对话、他们最后对你说的那句话，能让你明白为什么这段关系结束了，为什么它会是这样。
I think we often look for closure in the other person, and we look for closure in that final conversation, that final thing they're gonna say to us that's gonna make us realize why it ended, why it was the way it was.
我的最后一个建议是：请你写下你们这段关系的故事，为自己写下它的结局或最后一章，就像在讲述一个民间故事，或向更年轻的自己、未来的子女，甚至像讲一个童话一样。
My final tip, I need you to write the story of your relationship and write the finish or the the closing chapter of your relationship for yourself as if you are telling the story of your relationship as a folk story or as a lesson to a younger a younger version of you or to your future children or almost like a fairy tale.
在开头处，写下这段关系的中段，也写下它的结局，但同时也要写下你认为它为何必须发生的原因。
Right at the beginning, write the middle of the relationship, and write the end, but also write why you think it had to happen.
也许你还可以展望未来，写下这段关系实际上是如何成为你人生阶梯的，以及它可能正引导你走向比你自身更宏大的目标。
And maybe even if you want to project into the future, write about why this relationship was actually a stepping stone and what it may be guiding you to that is bigger than you.
这真正运用了我们称之为叙事心理学的力量。
This really leverages the power of something we call narrative psychology.
叙事心理学本质上是研究我们如何通过故事来理解自己的人生，它在分手后的疗愈过程中发挥着极其重要的作用。
Narrative psychology is basically the study of how we make sense of our lives through stories, and it plays a really powerful role in healing after a breakup.
根据叙事心理学家丹·P.
According to the narrative psychologist Dan P.
麦克亚当斯的说法，我们通过将过去、现在和想象中的未来连接成一个连贯整体的个人叙事来构建自我认同。
McAdams, we construct our identity through personal narratives that link our past, present, and imagined future into a coherent whole.
当某些事情打破了这个故事，与我们原本预期的发展不一致时，比如分手，我们就会经历巨大的痛苦。
And when something disrupts that story and doesn't make sense with what we thought was gonna happen, like a breakup, that's when we experience a lot of pain.
这个故事被打断了。
The story is disrupted.
比如，我们曾经共同拥有的情节线突然变得不完整了。
Like, the plot line that we once shared is suddenly incomplete.
因此，以教训或从你的视角书写这段关系的故事，能让你参与重建的过程，让你以一种非常强大的方式从这种悲伤和失去中找到意义。
So writing the story of your relationship as a lesson or from your perspective allows you to engage in that reconstruction process, and it allows you to really make meaning from this grief and from this loss in a manner that is very, very powerful.
我想给你一个额外的建议，关于告别与疗愈，我知道我在另一期关于心碎的节目中提到过，但我还是要再说一遍。
I wanna give you a bonus tip speaking of of closure and healing, and I know I've talked about this in another episode on heartbreak, but I'm gonna say it again.
你需要制作一份分手歌单。
I need you to make a breakup playlist.
也许你已经有了，但音乐和心碎简直是绝配。
Maybe you already have one, but music and heartbreak are, like, the perfect pairing.
2014年的一项研究发现，分手歌曲有助于疗愈，因为它们促进情感表达，从而提供了一个宣泄渠道，而不是压抑情绪。
Twenty fourteen study actually found that breakup songs help you heal because they promote emotional expression and therefore give you an outlet compared to emotional suppression.
这个建议还有一个有趣的额外部分：我认为拥有一张专门的分手歌单，实际上能让你根据对音乐的反应来追踪自己的情绪变化或疗愈进度。
There's also this additional funny part to this tip as well, which is that I think having a very specific breakup playlist actually allows you to track how your response or how your healing is going based on how you respond to the music.
我的意思是，当我们经历极度困难的事情时，往往很难看清自己走了多远，悲伤究竟有多少在缓解或愈合。
So what I mean by that is that it's often very hard to see how far you've come, how much your grief is actually moving or healing.
因为我们面对巨大痛苦时，并不总是能保持一种线性的、清晰的心态。
Because we don't always have that linear, like, linear state of mind when we're going through something really, really difficult.
最近，我重新听了一遍那年分手时制作的歌单，我记得当时听这些歌时痛哭流涕，情绪反应非常强烈。
Recently, I listened back to my breakup playlist from that year of breakups, And I remember listening to these songs and sobbing, and I remember having such an emotional reaction.
但前几天我再听这些歌时，却什么感觉都没有了。
And I listened to those songs the other day, and I felt nothing.
我只是感到平静。
I just felt I just felt neutral.
我不觉得难过。
I didn't feel sad.
我不觉得怀旧。
I didn't feel nostalgic.
我不觉得兴奋。
I didn't feel excited.
我只是什么感觉都没有。
I just felt nothing.
这是一种非常深刻的方式，让我看到自己已经发生了怎样的变化，显然我已经愈合了，但曾经我以为会定义我一生、认为我永远无法 recovery 的事情，我确实做到了。
And it was this really profound way of seeing how I have changed and how I've obviously I've very obviously healed, but how, like, something that I once thought was gonna define my life and that I was never going to recover from, I did.
我以为自己永远无法放下的事，我终究放下了。
Something I thought I was never going to get over, I got over.
现在我的生活变得好太多了。
And my life is now so, so much better.
我想，这正是我想为这一集画上句号的地方。
And I think that's really where I want to kind of finish this episode.
很容易对爱情感到悲观，也很容易因为这段关系没成功，就觉得自己再也找不到更好的人了。
Like, it's very easy to feel pessimistic about love, and it's very easy to feel like because this relationship didn't work out, I'm never gonna find anyone better.
因为这段关系结束让我感到如此强烈而深刻的痛苦，这就说明这个人就是对的人——其实并非如此。
Because I'm feeling so intense and deeply pained by the ending of this relationship, that's a sign that this person was the one.
事实根本不是这样。
That's just not the case.
我从没想过，自己会感受到比第一次恋爱时更深的痛苦。
I never thought I would feel pain any deeper pain than the the way I did with my first boyfriend.
但后来我真的感受到了。
And then I did.
我为一个远不值得我爱的人，感受到了更强烈的痛苦。
I felt even more pain for somebody who was a lot less deserving of my love.
即便如此，这其实只说明我只是太依恋了，而摆脱这种依恋总是很难的。
And even then, like, that actually said nothing more than that I was just attached, and it was always gonna be hard to get over.
而现在我拥有一段很棒的关系，我真希望能坐下来，对年轻的自己说：你只需要坚持过去就行了。
And now I'm in this amazing relationship, and I wish that I could just sit down with my younger self and just say, you've just gotta you've just gotta get through this.
这是一种重要的情感体验，你终会找到爱情。
This is an important emotional experience, and you're gonna find love.
即使不在二十多岁，不在三十多岁，最终你也会找到。
If not in your twenties, if not in your thirties, eventually you will.
我总是喜欢听那些稍晚才找到爱情的人的故事。
I always love hearing stories of people who find love a little bit later on.
我想起我的姑姑，她多年来一直和糟糕的男人交往，但在57岁时遇到了她一生的真爱，她从未如此深爱过一个人，也无比珍惜他。
I think about, you know, my aunt who dated terrible men for years and then at 57 met, like, the love of her life, who she's never been more in love with and who she just adores.
或者我的奶奶，她在四十多岁时和我爷爷离婚，之后遇到了我真正认为是祖父的那个人。
Or my grandma who, you know, divorced my grandfather at in her forties and then met who I really do consider to be my grandfather.
他后来带她搬到了澳大利亚，带她去非洲，让她成为自己事业中重要的一员，即使在90岁高龄，依然觉得她无比出色。
And he, like, you know, moved her to Australia and took her to Africa and made her an important part of of his business and just thinks she's incredible at 90 years old.
真爱确实存在，有时我想，它就藏在心碎之后。
True love really does exist, and sometimes I do think it's waiting behind heartbreak.
它在恳求你放手，离开这个人，从这段经历中尽可能多地学习，因为它知道接下来会发生什么。
It's begging you to let go, to leave this person, to learn as much as you can from this situation because it knows what else is coming.
我知道你现在非常痛苦。
And I know you're in so much pain right now.
我知道你觉得自己永远无法放下他们，但每当你对未来没有他们的生活感到悲观时，就去寻找那些伟大的爱情故事，因为你终会找到它们。
I know you think you're never going to get over them, but whenever you feel pessimistic about the future without them in it, look for the big love stories because you will find them.
请记住，你最大的爱情故事就是——你才是自己生命中的挚爱。
And remember, like, your biggest love story, like, you are the love of your own life.
你与自己的关系比任何事情都更重要，所有其他关系都源于此。
The relationship you have with yourself matters more than anything, and it's from that that all other relationships form.
所以，请先专注于你自己，努力变得富有魅力、出色，并深深爱上自己，这样无论下一位走进你生命的人是谁——无论是两个月后、两年后，还是十年后——他们都会毫无疑问地知道，你了解自己，知道自己值得被尊重，也知道他们的感情是真实的，你就是那个对的人，他们深爱着你。
So focus on you for a while, focus on being so magnetic and amazing and in love with yourself that whoever comes to the door next, whoever you meet next, whether it's in two months, two years, or ten years, is just going to undeniably know that you know yourself, know that you deserve respect, and know their feelings for you are true, and that you're the one, and that they love you.
我绝对、百分百确信，即使你现在正深陷悲伤与绝望的深渊，你也能找到这样一个人，这我可以拿我的性命担保。
And I'm sure absolutely positively, like, you can take me to the bank that you will find somebody like that even if you are in the pits of sadness and despair right now.
非常感谢你收听这一集。
So thank you so much for listening to this episode.
我希望这份指南对你有所帮助。
I hope that this guide has been helpful.
我还有很多话想说。
There was so much more I wanted to say.
我不得不刻意地不去谈论其他那么多事情。
I, like, had to deliberately, like, just not talk about so much other stuff.
我真的很想聊聊，当你知道是时候重新开始约会时，该怎么做，以及如果对方先放手了该怎么办。
I really wanted to talk about, like, when, you know, you when you know it's time to date again, what to do if somebody moves on first.
但我觉得我们可能得做这一集的第二部分，因为我讲得太久了。
But I feel like we might just have to do a part two of this episode because I spoke for way too long.
但是的，我现在正把很多爱传递给你，你此刻正心碎着。
But, yeah, I'm sending you a lot of love with your little heartbroken at the moment.
我相信你正在好好照顾自己，但我希望你正在愈合，正在修复，希望你能从这一集中有所收获，并付诸实践。
I'm sure you're taking very good care of it, but I hope that you're healing, and I hope that you're mending, and I hope that this episode, you can take something from it and put it into practice.
如果你看到这里了，请在下面留下一些表情符号，来说明或捕捉你目前在分手中的状态。
If you have made it this far, leave a few emojis down below that explain slash capture where you are at in the breakup right now.
无论你正处于第一波、第二波还是第三波情绪中，我都想知道。
And whether you're in wave one, wave two, or wave three, I wanna know.
我向我的第一阶段、第一阶段的人们传递爱。
I'm sending love to my wave one my wave one people.
我确定这一定非常、非常痛苦。
I'm sure it's very, very brutal.
但没错，在下面留个评论吧。
But, yeah, leave a little comment down below.
用表情符号描述你目前分手后的心境，同时也说明你处于哪个阶段。
The emojis that describe your current state of mind with your breakup, but also what wave you're in.
记得也许把这分享给那些你认为特别需要听到这些内容的人，你的分手伙伴。
Make sure to maybe share this with somebody else who you think might really need to hear it, your breakup buddy.
同时，也请在Instagram上关注我们，账号是thatpsychologypodcast，如果你想分享你的近况、这个播客如何帮到了你、任何建议，或者想要第二部分的话。
And follow us as well on Instagram at that psychology podcast if you wanna share how you're going, share how this episode helped you, any suggestions, or if you want a part two to this episode as well.
我总是很喜欢听到你们的声音，确保你在任何收听平台——无论是Apple、iHeartRadio应用还是Spotify——都关注了我们，这样你就能知道新剧集何时发布。
I always love to hear from you guys and make sure that you are following wherever you are listening, whether that is on Apple, on the iHeartRadio app, on Spotify so that you know when we post new episodes.
但无论如何，再次感谢你们的收听。
But with all that in mind, thank you again for listening.
在下次之前，保重，善良待人，温柔对待自己，我们很快再聊。
And until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, and we will talk very, very soon.
嗨，凯尔。
Hi, Kyle.
你能帮我起草一份简单的商业计划书吗？就一页，用谷歌文档，然后把链接发给我？
Could you draw up a quick document with the basic business plan, just one page, as a Google Doc, and send me the link?
谢谢。
Thanks.
嘿，我刚给你把那份一页纸的商业计划书弄好了。
Hey, just finished drawing up that quick one page business plan for you.
这是链接。
Here's the link.
但根本没有链接。
But there was no link.
也没有商业计划书。
There was no business plan.
我还没有编程让凯尔能够
I hadn't programmed Kyle to be able to
做到这一点。
do that yet.
我是埃文·拉蒂夫，带来一个关于人工智能时代创业的故事。
I'm Evan Ratliff here with a story of entrepreneurship in the AI age.
请听我尝试用虚构的人构建一家真正的初创公司。
Listen as I attempt to build a real startup run by fake people.
收听我的播客《壳牌游戏》第二季，可在 iHeartRadio 应用程序或您收听播客的任何平台获取。
Check out the second season of my podcast, Shell Game, on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
这里是幸福实验室的劳里·桑托斯博士。
Doctor Laurie Santos from the Happiness Lab here.
这是给予的季节，今年我的播客《幸福实验室》与非营利组织 GiveDirectly 合作，参与 PODS 抗贫活动，为极端贫困人口提供他们所需的现金。
It's the season of giving, and this year, my podcast, the Happiness Lab, is partnering with GiveDirectly, a nonprofit that provides people in extreme poverty with the cash they need as part of the PODS Fight Poverty campaign.
我们今年的目标是筹集一百万美元，帮助七百多个家庭摆脱极端贫困。
Our goal this year is to raise 1,000,000, which will bring over 700 families out of extreme poverty.
您的捐赠将直接把现金交到这些有需要的家庭手中，他们会决定如何使用这笔钱，无论是用于上学交通、购买牲畜，还是创业。
Your donation will put cash directly in the hands of these families in need, and they'll get to decide how to use it, whether that's school transportation, purchasing livestock, or starting a business.
此外，如果您是首次捐赠者，您的捐赠将由捐赠倍增计划匹配，这意味着能为有需要的人提供更多的资金。
Plus, if you're a first time donor, your gift will be matched by giving multiplier, which means more money for those in need.
请访问 givedirectly.org/happinesslab 了解更多信息并进行捐赠。
Visit givedirectly.org/happinesslab to learn more and to donate.
网址是 givedirectly.org/happinesslab。
That's givedirectly.org/happinesslab.
你好。
Hi.
我是拉迪·德夫卢卡，我是
I'm Radhi Devlukha, and I am the
《好好哭一场》播客的主持人。
host of A Really Good Cry podcast.
本周，我
This week, I
我邀请了安娜·伦克尔，她也被称为“糟糕童年仙子”，是一位创作者、教师和
am joined by Anna Runkle, also known as the crappy childhood fairy, a creator, teacher,
帮助人们从
and guide helping people heal from
不安全或混乱的童年中遗留下来的情感创伤中康复的引导者。
the lasting emotional wounds of unsafe or chaotic childhoods.
谈论创伤对有些人来说并不总是好事。
Talking about trauma isn't always great for people.
它并不总是最佳选择。
It's not always the best thing.
大约三分之一在童年时期遭受创伤的人，一旦谈论起这些经历，反而会感觉更糟，情绪严重失衡。
About a third of people who are traumatized as kids feel worse when they talk about it, get very dysregulated.
在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或您收听播客的任何平台收听《一次真正的好哭》。
Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
我其实并没有上节目的兴趣。
I didn't really have an interest of being on air.
我当时只是上去试试看能不能混进大楼。
I kinda was up there to just try and infiltrate the building.
从塑造全球音乐的地下俱乐部，到构建文化帝国的牧师和创作者，亚特兰大耳朵播客揭示了这个世界最具影响力城市背后的故事。
From the underground clubs that shaped global music to the pastors and creators who built the cultural empire, the Atlanta Ears podcast uncovers the stories behind one of the most influential cities in the world.
我爱亚特兰大的地方在于，这是一座充满拼搏精神的城市，伙计。
The thing I love about Atlanta is that it's a city of hustlers, man.
每一集都探索亚特兰大崛起的不同篇章，对话包括卢达克里斯、威尔·帕克、牧师贾马尔·布莱恩特、DJ Drama等人。
Each episode explores a different chapter of Atlanta's rise, featuring conversations with Ludacris, Will Packer, pastor Jamal Bryant, DJ Drama, and more.
完整系列现已上线，可随时收听。
The full series is available to listen to now.
请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或您常用的播客平台收听《亚特兰大耳朵》。
Listen to Atlanta Ears on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
嗨。
Hi.
我是普里扬卡·瓦利医生。
I'm doctor Priyanka Wally.
我是哈里昆达博卢。
And I'm Harikundabolu.
在我们的新播客《健康那些事》中，我们将揭开您最关心的健康问题的神秘面纱。
On our new podcast health stuff, we demystify your burning health questions.
你会听到我们对自己健康的坦诚分享。
You'll hear us being completely honest about our own health.
我的住院医师生涯简直是一声求救的呼喊，说实话。
My residency colon was like a cry for help, honestly.
你还会听到专家们坦诚的建议和个人故事，他们希望让医疗更有人情味。
And you'll hear candid advice and personal stories from experts who wanna make health care more human.
我总觉得在医学领域里，我从未真正找到归属感。
I feel like I never felt like I truly belonged in medicine.
我们希望让健康知识不再令人困惑，甚至带点趣味。
We wanna make health less confusing and maybe even a little fun.
你可以在 iHeartRadio 应用、Apple 播客或任何你收听播客的平台找到《健康那些事》。
Find health stuff on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
这是iHeart电台的播客《保证人性化》。
This is an iHeart podcast, Guaranteed Human.
关于 Bayt 播客
Bayt 提供中文+原文双语音频和字幕，帮助你打破语言障碍，轻松听懂全球优质播客。