63. 设定界限并坚守不移

这里是iHeart播客《真实人类》

This is an iHeart podcast, Guaranteed Human.

嘿，你好

Hey there.

医生

Doctor.

我是杰西·米尔斯

Jesse Mills here.

我是加州大学洛杉矶分校男性健康诊所的主任，想向大家介绍我的新播客《邮件室》

I'm the director of the men's clinic at UCLA, and I wanna tell you about my new podcast called The Mail Room.

我是乔丹，这个节目的制作人

And I'm Jordan, the show's producer.

和大多数男性一样，我已经很久没去看医生了

And like most guys, I haven't been to the doctor in way too long.

我会提出那些我们本该问却一直没问的问题

I'll be asking the questions we probably should be asking but aren't.

每周我们都会深入探讨

Every week, we're breaking down

男性健康领域的方方面面，从睾酮与健身到饮食与生育

the world of men's health from testosterone and fitness to diets and fertility.

我们将用通俗易懂的方式讲解科学，为你真正好奇的问题提供真实答案

We'll talk science without the jargon and get your real answers to the stuff you actually wonder about.

欢迎在iHeartRadio应用、苹果播客上收听《邮件室》

So check out the mail room on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

或在你获取喜爱节目的任何平台

or wherever you get your favorite shows.

你是否曾听过那些真实犯罪节目后，发现自己疑问比答案还多？

Have you ever listened to those true crime shows and found yourself with more questions than answers?

谁会冒充整座城市进行网络诈骗？

Who catfishes a city?

吸食人类骨灰真的安全吗？

Is it even safe to snort human remains?

这是《浑身是劲》的剧情吗？

Is that the plot of Footloose?

我是喜剧演员罗里·斯考维尔，我要告诉你，乔什、迪恩和我有一个新播客，专门歌颂世界上最蠢罪犯们的惊人创意。

I'm comedian Rory Scovel, and I'm here to tell you Josh, Dean, and I have a new podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of the world's dumbest criminals.

它叫《无罪可犯》，一档真实犯罪喜剧播客。

It's called Crimeless, a true crime comedy podcast.

请在iHeartRadio应用、Apple播客或你获取播客的任何平台收听。

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

本周《亲爱的切尔西》节目中，伊丽莎白·奥尔森做客现场。

This week on Dear Chelsea, Elizabeth Olsen is here.

我做播客时会紧张。

I get nervous doing podcasts.

我总担心自己会说些冒犯到别人的话。

I get anxious that I'm gonna say something that is gonna offend people.

但话说回来，谁在乎

But also, who gives a

这正好说明了这有多可笑。

That just goes to show you how silly it is.

我们都得反复对自己说这句话。

We all have to say this over and over to ourselves.

谁在乎呢？

Who gives a at?

我发现

I find that to

作为一个容易恐惧、对什么都感到害怕的人，我觉得这特别解压。

be so satisfying as someone who is a fearful person, and they're kinda scared of everything.

收听《亲爱的切尔西》节目，请前往

Listen to dear Chelsea on

iHeartRadio应用、苹果播客或任何你获取播客的地方。

the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

大家好啊？

What up, y'all?

我是你们的凯文，现在在台上。

It's your boy, Kev on stage.

我想向你们介绍我的新播客《非高光时刻》，节目中我会与艺术家、运动员、艺人、创作者、朋友以及我敬佩的成功人士对话，探讨他们遭遇过的重大失败。

I wanna tell you about my new podcast called not my best moment, where I talk to artists, athletes, entertainers, creators, friends, people I admire who had massive success about their massive failures.

他们搞砸了什么？

What did they mess up on?

什么是

What is

他们心碎的经历？

their heartbreak?

他们从中又学到了什么？

And what did they learn from it?

我遭到了极其严苛的评判。

I got judged horribly.

评委们直接说：你就是个垃圾。

The judges were like, you're trash.

我真不知道你是怎么上这个节目的。

I don't know how you got on the show.

在iHeartRadio应用、苹果播客、YouTube或任何你收听播客的平台，关注我和舞台上的凯文带来的《非高光时刻》。

Check out not my best moment with me, Kev on stage on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.

大家好，欢迎回到《二十几岁的心理学》，这是一档探讨我们二十多岁期间重大人生变化与转折及其心理意义的播客节目。

Hello, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

大家好。

Hello, everybody.

欢迎回到节目。

Welcome back to the show.

欢迎回到播客。

Welcome back to the podcast.

新老听众们，非常感谢你们再次加入新一期节目。

New listeners, old listeners, thank you so much for joining me for another episode.

这个话题在我脑海中萦绕已久，我真心认为这是二十多岁人群（我相信你们中很多人都是）必须了解、必须学习的知识。

This topic has been on my mind for some time, and I honestly think it's mandatory information, mandatory learning for those of us in our twenties as I'm sure many of you are.

当然，随着假日季节和新年的临近，我认为这可能是深入探讨个人情感边界问题的最佳时机。

And of course with the holiday season and New Year's around the corner, I thought this just might be the best time to have a really deep conversation about personal and emotional boundaries.

我认为每年这个时候对我们来说都非常重要，可以反思生活中哪些方面、哪些人际关系需要改进，以及我们想如何对待自己，更重要的是希望他人如何对待我们。

I think this time of the year is super important for us to reflect on what it is about our lives, about our relationships that we want to improve and how it is that we want to treat ourselves and more importantly how we how it is that we want others to treat us as well.

当然，我想很多人正在回家与家人团聚的路上。

And of course, I think many of us are travelling home to see our families.

我认为这是讨论边界问题的绝佳时机，特别是与家人、远亲之间的界限。

I think it's such a great time to talk about boundaries, especially with family members, especially with distant relatives, all of those things.

今天我们将解析如何在二十多岁时建立可持续且现实的边界背后的心理学原理。

So today we are going to break down the psychology behind how we can establish sustainable and realistic boundaries in our twenties.

我认为'边界'这个概念在心理学和自我提升领域被频繁讨论，但其真正含义往往并不清晰。

I think that term, I think the idea of a boundary, the concept of boundaries is talked about so much in psychology and self improvement but often the true meaning of what it means is not always clear.

有时边界的理念会被曲解成与其本意完全不同的东西。

Or the idea of what a boundary is is sometimes warped into something entirely different to its true meaning.

边界的存在是为了保护我们的安全，维护我们的稳定，它们不仅能改善我们与他人的关系，也能改善我们与自我的关系。

Boundaries are meant to keep us safe, they're meant to keep us secure and they help us improve our relationships not just with others but with ourselves.

所以在这一期节目中，我真的很想消除关于界限到底是什么的一些模糊性。

So in this episode, I really wanna dispel some of that ambiguity about what exactly boundaries are.

我们将讨论健康界限的构成要素和公式、为什么我们需要界限来让生活更美好、如何设定界限、没有界限的后果，以及最后当我们无论如何努力都有人不断违背我们对他们的期望和我们希望被对待的方式时该怎么办。

We're gonna talk about the equation and the makeup of a healthy boundary, why we need boundaries to flourish in our lives, how to set boundaries, the consequences of not having them, and finally what do we do when no matter how hard we try someone keeps violating those expectations we have for them and those expectations about how we wanna be treated.

这期节目包含了如此多有价值的内容和心理学上令人惊叹的发现与技巧。

So so much valuable content and so many incredible findings and tips from psychology in this episode.

我知道设定界限绝对是2022年我必须要学习的一课，也许这也是你正在努力的方向。

I know boundary setting is definitely something I've had to learn in 2022, and maybe it's something that you are also working on.

所以我认为这绝对非常有价值。

So I think it's absolutely so valuable.

要知道，我们不能给人们无限制地接触我们的权利。

You know, we cannot give people unlimited access to us.

我们不能让别人随意践踏我们，或者为了他人牺牲自己的幸福。

We can't let people walk all over us or sacrifice our own well-being for others.

而二十多岁这个阶段，正是我们开始确立希望别人如何对待我们的绝对关键时期。

And our twenties are this absolutely crucial, crucial time to really start establishing how we want people to treat us.

不仅如此，我们还能通过设定现实且健康的界限来教会他人如何对待我们。

And not only that, but how we can teach people how to treat us through realistic and healthy boundary setting.

所以我对这期节目感到非常兴奋。

So I'm very excited for this episode.

相关研究实在太有趣了，我自己也收获颇丰。

The research was so fascinating, and I know that I learned a lot.

希望你们也能有所收获。

So I hope that you will too.

闲话少说，让我们来聊聊界限。

And without further ado, let's talk boundaries.

界限是什么？

What are they?

为什么我们需要界限？

Why do we need them?

以及如何坚守界限？

And how to stick to them?

让我们从头开始，先理解什么是边界。

So lets start at the very beginning and understand what exactly is a boundary.

近年来这个词已成为心理学领域的重要概念，特别是在我们为家人、伴侣和朋友设定的期望与准则方面。

This term has become such a huge part of the psychobabble in recent years, especially in terms of the expectations and the guidelines that we set for our families, our partners, our friends.

我认为这太棒了——我们越来越清楚自己生活中需要什么，并且掌握了为自己发声的语言能力，能在最重要的关系中建立自主权。

I think it's fantastic that we have become so much better at being aware of what we need in our lives and that we've also become equipped with the language to kind of stand up for ourselves and establish agency over our most important relationships.

前几天我有个朋友告诉我一件事。

One of my friends told me this the other day.

她有个上小学的妹妹，现在边界教育甚至已成为部分幼教课程内容。

She has, I think, a sister who's in primary school, and it's even become part of some of our early childhood curriculum teaching kids about boundaries.

我觉得这非常特别且了不起——从很小就教孩子们如何决定自己希望被对待的方式。

And I think that is so special and so amazing to be teaching children from a really early age how to decide and determine how they want to be treated.

我认为这太棒了。

I think that's fantastic.

边界本质上是个人为了给自己创造合理、安全、有保障的环境——特别是在人际关系方面——而制定的规则或限制。

So boundaries are essentially rules or limits that a person decides upon in order to create a reasonable, a safe, a secure environment for themselves, particularly in terms of their relationships.

边界本质上是我们不愿让生活中的人跨越的情感、身体、心理乃至财务界限。

So boundaries, they are essentially emotional, physical, mental, even financial limits that we don't want the people in our lives to cross.

它们对建立健康关系至关重要，因为如果我们放任他人侵入生活领域或越界对待我们，就可能感到被冒犯、受伤和沮丧。

And they are so crucial for establishing healthy relationships because if we let people cross into a terrain or an area of our lives or overstep how we deserve to be treated, we can be left feeling really offended, really hurt and upset.

而这绝不是我们想要的感受。

And that's not how we want to feel.

我认为若不在关系中设立边界，也是对关系的一种伤害，因为这会导致长期积压的未化解怨恨。

I think it's also a disservice to our relationships if we don't establish boundaries within them because it can result in a lot of built up long term unresolved resentment.

需要强调的是，边界本质上是我们掌控自身幸福的关键方式——人们对待我们的方式往往取决于我们允许的程度。

It's important to note here that boundaries, they're essentially a really critical way that we're able to take charge of our own happiness because people are going to treat us the way that we allow them to.

对吧？

Right?

我想我们选择交往的人通常都是善良的——至少我希望如此。

I think generally the people we surround ourselves with, I would hope, are really good people.

但他们常常会以自己期望被对待的方式来对待你。

But they're often treating you in the way that they would like to be treated and how they expect to be treated.

当然，他们只是把自己的内在观点应用到你行为和互动上。

And of course, they're just applying their own internal perspective to your behaviors and interactions.

比如，你有个朋友特别擅长秒回消息。

You know, for example, maybe one of your friends is really good at instantly replying to messages.

他们总是手机不离手，所以能立即回复你。

You know, they're always on their phone, so they have no problem getting back to you ASAP.

所以当他们发消息时，也期待得到同样的回应。

So when they message you, they expect the same thing back.

当你做不到时，他们可能会感到失落或被忽视。

And maybe they become upset or they feel neglected when you don't do that.

但对你来说，可能需要远离科技的时间，或者看到消息就立即回复会让你压力很大。

But for you, right, you might need time away from technology or you just might feel really overwhelmed with replying as soon as you see a message.

可能只是因为你太忙了没时间处理。

You know, it might just be that you're busy and you don't have time to get to it.

所以通过认识到这点并设立边界：我不会立即回复消息。

So by recognising that and having this boundary that, you know, hey, I'm not gonna reply instantly.

我无法做到尽快回复你。

I'm not gonna be able to get back to you as soon as possible.

通过开诚布公地讨论这个问题，比如你能给予那位朋友多少时间和精力，你们就能建立更开放、更互相尊重的关系，而不会产生不必要的压力或期望。

And having an open conversation about this, about how much time, how much energy you can give that friend, you allow yourselves to have a more open and more respectful relationship with with each other without having those undue pressure or expectations.

显然，这是个相当小的界限。

Obviously, that's a pretty small boundary.

对吧？

Right?

这是个相当容易被忽视的界限。

It's a pretty negligent boundary.

当我们考虑其他界限，比如性边界或身体边界时，情况会变得复杂得多，但同时也更加——我不想说重要，而是必须真正理解你需要什么、你对他人的要求是什么、你的底线在哪里、哪些是禁区。

When we think about other ones like sexual boundaries or physical boundaries, it can get a lot more complicated, but it can also get a lot more I wouldn't say significant, but important to really understand what you need and what you require from someone else and what your kind of deal breakers are, what your no go zones are.

我认为当我第一次真正开始思考边界问题，或者说作为一个整体人格逐渐成熟时，最大的领悟就是：别人无法读懂你的心思。

One of the big realizations I think I had when I first really began thinking about boundaries a little bit more and I guess maturing as a person overall is that people cannot read your mind.

他们不会自动准确地知道你需要什么、你期待什么。

And they are not automatically going to know exactly what you need and what you expect.

这某种程度上是你的责任。

That is kind of your duty.

某种程度上，发现这一点是你自己的责任。

It's kind of your duty to discover that about yourself.

同时你也有责任让他人知晓这些。

And it's also your responsibility to make that known.

界限之所以极其重要，还因为它们通过将你的需求和欲望与他人区分开来，帮助定义你的自我意识。

Boundaries are also super important because they help define your sense of self by separating your needs and desires from others.

我认为这在二十多岁时非常普遍，尤其对于那些习惯性讨好他人的人来说。

I think this is really common in our twenties, especially for those of us who are like serial people places.

我们常常发现自己的需求被他人的需求所淹没，几乎总是把他人的期望置于自己的需求之上。

It's really common to find that our needs are subsumed by those of others And we almost place what we want as less important to what others want from us.

我不认为这是任何人的过错。

I don't think that's anyone's fault.

对吧？

Right?

这不是你的错。

That's not your fault.

也不是他们的错。

It's not their fault either.

在大多数情况下，人们只是在你准备好接纳他们的程度上来与你相处。

In most cases, people are just meeting you where you are prepared to meet them.

我认为这就是界限的用武之地。

And I think that's where boundaries come in.

对吧？

Right?

因为人们总是会得寸进尺。

Because people, you know, are gonna take as much as you give.

当然，显然在很多情况下，人们会主动操纵或准备逼迫我们超出我们愿意接受的界限，这种情况下我认为设定界限就更重要了。

Of course, there are obviously a lot of instances in which people are actively manipulative or prepared to push us further than we would like to go, in which case I would say boundaries are more important.

但总的来说，当我们及早且有意识地设定界限时，就能避免一些后果——比如感觉被人利用，或被人以我们不愿接受的方式对待，无论对方是有意还是无意。

But in general when we set boundaries early and intentionally, we can avoid some of those consequences of feeling like someone is taking advantage of us or treating us in a way that we don't want to be treated, either wittingly or unwittingly.

我认为现在正是讨论不同类型边界及具体示例的好时机。

I think this is a great time to jump into the different types of boundaries and some of the examples.

我认为与最亲密关系（伴侣、父母、兄弟姐妹、朋友）之间的边界往往最受关注，这是有充分理由的。

I think that boundaries with our closest relationships, our partners, our parents, our siblings, our friends, they're often the ones that receive the most attention and for a good reason.

对吧？

Right?

有非常充分的理由。

For a very good reason.

这些人是我们最亲近的，我们付出最多也最了解我们的人。

These are the people that we're closest to, who we give the most to and know us the best.

但他们也是最能介入我们生活的人，因此也最能影响我们。

But they're also the people who have the most access to our lives and with that comes the greatest ability to impact us.

所以我认为在这些关系中设定明确的期望和边界，对我们生活各个领域的幸福都至关重要。

So setting clear expectations and boundaries in these relationships I think is really crucial for our well-being in all domains of our lives.

通常我认为边界可以分为七种不同类型。

There are generally around seven different types of boundaries that I think that we would often think of.

差不多有七种不同的类别。

So almost seven different categories.

我认为第一种是身体界限。

The first I think is is physical, a physical boundary.

这通常与我们的个人空间和物理空间有关。

And this often relates to our personal space and our physical space.

举个例子，你可能不喜欢别人，

For example, you you might not like it when people touch you without asking or enter into your personal space.

这会让你感到不舒服。

It makes you feel uncomfortable.

这也可能涉及他人如何对待你的物理空间或环境，以及希望这些得到保护。

It also may be about how people treat your physical space or your environment and wanting that to be protected.

比如你不希望别人在你家里喝酒、带毒品进入你的空间或乱扔垃圾。

Like you don't want people to drink in your house or bring drugs into your space or leave their rubbish around.

这就是一种身体界限。

That's a physical boundary.

这就是你在决定你希望物理环境给你怎样的感受，以及你希望你的物理空间如何被尊重。

That's you making a decision about how you want your physical environment to feel like, how you want your physical space to be respected.

我在堪培拉时曾住在合租屋里，我们有个朋友总是过来，而且每次都会带着外卖食物。

I used to live in the share house when I was in Canberra, and we have this friend who would always come over and he would always bring, like, takeaway food with them.

我发誓，每次这个人离开后，厨房和餐厅到处都是他留下的垃圾。

I swear, like, every time this person left, they would just leave their rubbish all around the kitchen and the dining room.

说实话，这让我非常恼火，因为我喜欢整洁的环境，或者至少把混乱控制在特定范围。

And let me tell you, that annoyed me so much because I like a contained mess or no mess at all.

所以我明确划定了界限，告诉他：请不要在我家里到处留下你的垃圾，谢谢配合。

So I definitely established a boundary there and was like, you cannot leave your mess around my house, please and thank you.

我认为，在如何保护个人空间和环境方面设定界限是非常合理且必要的。

And I think establishing a boundary around how you like your personal space and your environment to be protected is super valid, it's so valid.

性边界也是我认为值得高度关注的重要议题，这完全正当合理。

Sexual boundaries are also one that I think gets a lot of attention for all the right reasons.

这类边界本质上保护了你的同意权，让你能坦诚表达喜好，并与伴侣就性经历、偏好等问题保持诚实沟通。

And these kind of boundaries, they essentially protect your right to consent, to ask for what you like and to be honest about your partner and honest with your partner about things like their sexual history, their preferences, things like that.

它们界定了你想要什么样的性接触或亲密行为，包括频率、时间、地点以及对象。

And they define what kind of sexual touch or intimacy you want, how often, when, where and with whom.

举个例子，一个关于性的界限可能是你不想在醉酒时发生性行为，或者不希望在与某人相处时被以某种方式对待。

I think for example a sexual boundary may be that you don't want to have sex when you're drunk, or be treated in a certain way when you're with someone.

这同样非常合理，特别是关于性的界限——我本来想说性的界限最终必须得到尊重，但所有界限中都包含性的界限。

Once again so valid and I think sexual boundaries in particular I was about to say sexual boundaries need to be ultimately respected but all boundaries do sexual boundaries amongst them.

但我认为有时候这些话题确实很难启齿讨论。

But I think that they can be something that's really difficult to sometimes have a conversation about.

我觉得作为一个社会整体，我们并不擅长讨论性话题，也不擅长讨论围绕性亲密关系存在的界限问题。

I don't think that we as a society are very good at having conversations about sex and having conversations about the boundaries that exist around sexual intimacy.

感觉这个话题足够单独做一期节目了。

I feel like that's a whole another episode.

但下一类界限是情感和心理界限。

But the next kind of boundary is emotional and mental boundaries.

显然我认为所有界限都是平等的，但这一类在我心中有特殊地位，而且我觉得通常我们谈论界限时最先想到的就是这类。

Obviously I think all boundaries are created equal, but this one has a particular space in my heart and I think is often what we think about when we talk about boundaries.

你的情感和心理边界保护着你拥有被尊重的感受的权利，以及坚持自己对世界的看法的权利，但前提是这些看法不会明显伤害他人或贬低他人的价值。

Your emotional and your mental boundaries, they protect your right to have your feelings respected and to hold your own beliefs about the world, with the caveat that those beliefs aren't obviously hurtful or reduce someone else's worth.

比如，你不能设立一个允许自己性别歧视或种族歧视的情感边界。

Like, I mean, you can't be like, have an emotional boundary that I'm allowed to be sexist or racist.

不行。

No.

不行。

No.

这不是边界运作的方式。

That's not how it works.

对吧？

Right?

它更像是能够表示你不想分享某事，或不愿讨论某个对你有害的话题，或是在有人贬低你、用某种方式对你说话、批评你的决定或外貌时为自己辩护。

It's more so like being able to say that you don't feel like sharing something or you don't want to discuss a particular topic that's harmful to you or standing up for yourself when someone belittles you or speaks to you in a certain way, criticises your decisions or how you look.

这些都与你身处他人之中时心理和情感上的感受相关。

These are things that are related to how you feel mentally and emotionally when you're around others.

精神边界这个概念其实让我觉得非常有趣。

Spiritual boundaries was one that I found really interesting actually.

我现在并不是一个非常精神化或宗教化的人。

I'm not a very spiritual or religious person anymore.

过去曾经是，但现在不是了。

That used to be the case but not anymore.

所以我从未真正思考过宗教和灵性如何与边界设定相关。

So I had never really thought about how religion and spirituality could be involved in boundary setting.

但精神边界本质上保护你相信世界所愿的权利，并践行自己的精神信仰。

But spiritual boundaries essentially they protect your right to believe what you would like about the world and practice your own spiritual beliefs.

例如，一个精神或宗教边界可能是：你希望在工作日有专门的五分钟休息时间祈祷，或每周抽出时间去教堂、犹太会堂或清真寺——即使你的伴侣并不分享这种信仰。

For example, a spiritual or religious boundary may be that you would like, you know, a dedicated five minute break throughout the workday to pray or time out of the week to go to church or synagogue or a mosque even if, for example, your partner doesn't share that belief.

这种边界让你能够接触精神生活，而不会感觉被他人所妥协。

It's a boundary that allows you to have access to your spiritual life and the spiritual side of your life without feeling like it's being compromised by someone else.

反过来也同样适用。

And it goes the other way.

对吧？

Right?

比如你可能不想和家人讨论宗教问题，因为这会引发激烈争论且毫无成效。

Like it may be that you don't want to discuss religion with your family because it gets heated and it's unproductive.

这也是你可以设定的界限。

That's also a boundary that you are allowed to set.

也许随着圣诞节和假期季的临近，这正是你在考虑的界限。

Maybe it's one that you're thinking about as we approach the Christmas and the holiday season.

财务界限这个很有意思。

Financial boundaries this is an interesting one.

它们实际上关乎你希望如何对待和使用你的财务资源及个人物品。

They really concern how you would like to treat and use your financial resources as well as your possessions.

比如'请不要不打招呼就借我的车'，或者能要求朋友选择更便宜的餐厅因为你正在存钱。

You know things like please don't borrow my car without asking or being able to ask your friends to choose a cheaper restaurant because you're saving.

我其实做过一整期关于这个的节目，我记得叫《二十多岁的财务焦虑与金钱观》，我觉得这对我们二十多岁的人特别有价值，尤其是当大家的收入差距很大的时候。

I did a whole episode on this actually, I think it's called financial anxiety and money in your twenties that I think is so valuable for us in our twenties, especially when people are making super different amounts of money.

你知道，有些朋友还在上大学或找工作，而有些人已经拿着高薪工作了。

You know, have friends who are still at uni or job hunting whilst others are working jobs with crazy salaries.

我认为我们应该能够享受共处的时光，而不觉得自己的财务界限被侵犯。

And I think we should all be able to enjoy our time together without feeling like our financial boundaries are being crossed.

而且最亲近的人应该尊重我们的财务状况。

And that the people who are closest to us are respectful of our of our financial situation.

所以，是的，财务界限可以包括：比如我不愿意在共同生日礼物上花太多钱。

So, yeah, financial boundaries can be things like, oh, I I actually am not prepared to spend crazy amounts of money on, like, shared birthday gifts.

希望身边的人能真正尊重这一点。

And hopefully the people around you are really respectful of that.

时间界限。

Time boundaries.

时间界限。

Time boundaries.

我觉得这些特别有意思。

I find these so interesting.

我觉得我对每一种边界都说过这句话

I think I've said that about every single one.

但时间界限通常是我们为了保护自己如何安排每日时间与精力的使用方式而设立的

But time boundaries often we put these in place to protect how we want to spend the hours in our day and also how we want to spend our energy.

它们能防止你被迫同意做不想做的事，避免他人浪费你的时间，避免过度劳累

They protect you from agreeing to do things that you don't want to do, from having people waste your time, from feeling overworked.

正在听节目的全职工作者们，如果你刚进入朝九晚五的工作，这点尤为重要

My full time workers who are listening, I feel like this one is a huge one if you found yourself in your first full time nine to five job.

关于个人自由时间的界限设定，我在这方面做得非常糟糕

Establishing time boundaries around my free time, my personal time, It's something I'm so bad at.

我在这方面差到甚至精疲力竭时，仍然无法为自己设限

I am terrible at doing this to the point where I can be super burnt out and I'm still not able to set that limit for myself.

我仍然无法向他人明确表达：'听着，这是我设的界限'

I'm still not able to communicate that to other people and be like, hey, no, I have a boundary around this.

比如能明确表示你晚上要保留私人时间，或者无法整天陪朋友

You know, for example, able to say that you reserve you time in the evenings or time to be social or that you can't spend, you know, a whole day with one of your friends.

我认为在圣诞节和假期即将到来之际，这也是很重要的一点——甚至需要与家人设定界限，告诉他们：'我无法在假期每天都陪你们，因为我需要独处时间、见朋友或做其他让我开心的事。'

I think it's also an important one with Christmas and the holidays coming up to be able to set a boundary with your family even and say, you know, I can't spend every day with you over the holidays because, you know, I want time to myself or to see my friends or to do something else to make me happy.

再次强调，时间界限。

Once again, time boundaries.

超级重要。

Super important.

接下来我们谈谈'不可妥协的原则'，或者我称之为'杂项/其他类别'。

And then we have deal breakers or what I like to call the miscellaneous or the other category.

这些可能是无法归入上述任何类型的边界。

So these might be boundaries that don't really fit into any of the above that we've discussed.

它们可能非常小众。

And they might be really niche.

我认为我们大多数人都有一个重要的不可妥协原则——关于不忠行为。

One of the big deal breakers I think most of us have is around infidelity.

这是我经常思考的一个原则。

That's one that I think of quite a bit.

我认为这与性边界有很大关联，但它同时也是情感和心理上的边界。

I think it has a lot of links to sexual boundaries, but it's also an emotional and a mental boundary.

对我来说这是绝对不可接受的，你知道，这是严重的越界行为，甚至是结束一段关系的理由。

It's a big no no for me, you know, a big violation or grounds for ending a relationship even.

也许你不想让父母对你的伴侣或工作评头论足，这完全合理。

You know, maybe it's that you don't want your parents to comment on your partner or your job completely reasonable.

或者你不希望室友——我也不知道怎么说——用你的煎锅煮肉。

Or you don't want your housemates, I don't know, to cook meat in your frying pan.

我觉得这有点像是物理边界。

I feel like that's a bit of a physical boundary.

但不管怎样，边界的种类实在太多了。

But anyway, there are so many different categories of boundary.

我觉得了解所有这些边界类型非常有趣。

I found it so interesting to hear about all of these.

说实话，当我们思考这个宏大的领域时，你可以在生活中设定任意多的边界。

And honestly, I think when we think about that massive landscape, you can have as many boundaries as you would like in your life.

显然，我不认为这是必要的，也不觉得给生活中的人施加如此大的压力要求他们总是以某种方式行事是特别健康的。

Obviously, don't think that that's necessary and I don't think that it's particularly healthy to put that much pressure on the people in our lives to always act a certain way.

但如果你决定这么做，那就去做吧。

But if that's what you decide to do, then go for it.

你可以设定任意多的底线。

You can have as many deal breakers as you want.

你可以选择任何你想要的界限。

You can choose whatever boundaries that you would like.

因为归根结底，这关乎你希望如何被对待以及你期望拥有的环境。

Because at the end of the day it's about how you want to be treated and the environment that you expect to have.

此外我认为，虽然你可以对他人设定这些界限，但也可以围绕如何对待自己设定个人内在的界限。

Also I think with many of these, yes you can set these boundaries with other people but you can also set individual and internal boundaries around how you want to treat yourself.

比如今年我就和自己立下严格约定：绝不在内心说负面话语或贬低自己。

You know for example this year I made a big pact with myself, a very strict boundary that I didn't want to say negative things or talk down to myself internally.

当我违反时，我会立即纠正这种行为，用我希望别人对待我的方式来对待自己。

And when I did that I wanted to make sure I corrected that behaviour and treated myself in a way that I would want others to treat me.

所以这非常微妙，你既可以对他人如何对待你设定界限，也可以设定个人界限。

So super nuanced, You can have these boundaries around how others treat you but you can also have personal and individual boundaries as well.

既然我们已经了解了基本情况，那么我们该如何实际设定健康且现实的界限呢？首先这些界限要有效，其次要可持续，并能帮助我们达成期望的结果。

So now that we have a bit of a lay of the land, how can we actually go about setting healthy and realistic boundaries with others in a way that is firstly effective but also sustainable and gets us our desired outcome.

我们的下一个合作伙伴有一款我每天都在使用的产品。

Our next partner has a product I use literally every day.

我开始服用AG1是因为我正处于健康改善之旅，我想更好地照顾我的免疫系统和肠道健康。

I started taking AG1 because I've been on a bit of a health journey, I wanted to take better care of my immune system and my gut health.

只需一勺美味的AG1，你就能摄入75种高品质维生素、矿物质、益生菌等有益成分，这对你的神经系统和免疫系统都非常有益。

And with one delicious scoop of AG1 you're essentially 75 high quality vitamins, minerals, probiotics, all that good stuff and it's really great for your nervous system and your immune system.

这是一个简单的微习惯，你可以将其融入日常生活并获得巨大益处。

It's just one simple microhabit that you can incorporate into your daily life with big benefits.

它非常符合现代生活方式，而且Athletic Greens还是一家获得气候中和认证的公司，我们在节目中非常推崇这一点。

It's super lifestyle friendly and Athletic Greens is also a climate neutral certified company which we absolutely love on the show.

现在是时候重获健康，用便捷的日常营养来武装你的免疫系统了。

Right now it is time to reclaim your health and arm your immune system with a convenient daily nutrition.

每天只需一勺溶于水，就这么简单，无需服用无数不同的药片和补充剂来维护健康。

It's just one scoop in a cup of water every day, that's it, no need for a million different pills and supplements to look after your health.

为了更便捷，Athletic Greens将免费赠送您一年份的免疫支持维生素D，并在首次购买时附赠五份旅行装。

And to make it easy, Athletic Greens is going to give you a free one year supply of immune supporting vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase.

您只需访问athleticgreens.com/gemma（再次强调是athleticgreens.com/gemma），即可掌控自身健康，获取终极日常营养保障。

All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/gemma again that's athleticgreens.com/gemma to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.

那么，我们该如何设定健康且现实的界限呢？

So how is it that we set healthy and realistic boundaries?

我常认为，我们是通过不断试错才逐渐明白生活中需要哪些界限。

Often I think it's through trial and error that we come to realise what boundaries we need in our life.

往往是在出现问题、感到被轻视或遭遇不公时，我们才会彻底意识到需要设立更明确的预期，或是必须表明立场。

It's when something goes wrong or when we feel disrespected or treated poorly that we fully realise that we need to set up some clearer expectations or that we need to take a stand.

我认为这个过程可能很痛苦——我们总要在事情彻底恶化时才能意识到问题所在。

I think that can be painful, We don't realise that something is wrong until it's really wrong.

但同样重要的是，我们要理解当缺乏明确界限、持续容忍不当对待时所带来的情感后果。

But I think it's also important to understand the emotional consequences of when we don't have those clear boundaries and when we keep letting ourselves be mistreated.

我相信我们都认识这样的人：总是加班到很晚，即使有其他承诺；或者某个朋友总是任由伴侣或另一个朋友批评或占便宜，几乎没有后果，代价却由自己承担。

I'm sure we all know someone who is always working late hours, even when they have other commitments or maybe a friend who always lets their partner or another friend criticise or take advantage of them with little to no consequences and at their expense.

在这些情况下，如果我们没有花时间去建立并明确向对方传达界限，比如'嘿，我不喜欢你那样对待我，我希望你能换种方式'。

And in those situations where we haven't taken the time to set up and communicate a clear boundary with someone and be like, 'hey, I don't like it when you treat me that way, I expect you to treat me differently.

比如'晚上九点后不准给我工作手机发消息'，诸如此类的界限。

You cannot message my work phone after nine pm', whatever it may be.

当我们不这样做时，后果可能会相当严重。

When we don't do that the outcomes can be pretty severe.

你可能会感到非常沮丧、焦虑、愤怒或内疚，这一系列情绪的出现是因为我们的自我人格、自我认同感遭到了侵犯——因为我们感觉不到被尊重。

You know you may feel really frustrated, really anxious or angry or guilty, there's just this whole spectrum of emotions because our very personhood, our sense of self feels violated because we don't feel respected.

通常这些情绪本身就是你需要设立界限的信号。

And often these emotions themselves are a sign that you need a boundary.

因为任何人的行为都不应该让你产生那种感受。

Because no one's behaviour should be making you feel that way.

任何人对待你的方式或接近你的方式，都不该让你陷入沉重而痛苦的情绪困境中。

And no one's way of treating you or approaching you should be putting you in a position where you're dealing with really heavy and hard emotions.

拥有积极的界限意味着你能自信地对他人说不。

Having positive boundaries, it means that you're confident in saying no to others.

并且能够将自己的想法和情绪与他人的区分开来。

And you're able to separate your thoughts and your emotions from those of other people's.

你不会因为让他们失望而感到内疚。

You don't feel guilty about disappointing them.

即使可能让对方有点难堪，你也不会因维护自己而感到愧疚。

You don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself even if it means maybe embarrassing them a little bit.

我认为我们许多人在界限问题上挣扎正是由于这个原因。

I think many of us struggle with our boundaries because of that reason.

对吧？

Right?

我们不想让对方难过。

We don't want to upset someone.

我们不愿让他们陷入做错事的感受中，这是出于对关系的在意和谨慎。

We don't want to put them in a position where they feel as if they've done something wrong and out of a care and a caution around our relationships.

我们允许自己在面对并非总是无礼、但确实不愿容忍的行为时保持被动。

We allow ourselves to be passive in the face of not always disrespect but in the face of behaviours that we really don't want to tolerate.

我看到一项非常有趣的研究，指出女性尤其难以应对这种情况，因为我们在很多方面被灌输的观念是：他人的需求比我们自己的更重要。

I saw this really interesting study and it said that women in particular really struggle with this because we have been conditioned in many ways to believe that the needs of others are more important than our own.

因此我们往往会选择迁就。

And so we tend to appease.

我们倾向于把他人的需求置于自身之前，没有真正照顾好自己的身心健康，也没有明确设定关于期望如何被对待的界限。

We tend to put others needs in front of our own and not really take care of ourselves physically and mentally and don't really set boundaries about how we expect to be treated.

所以我认为首先要做的是：明确具体是什么情况让你感到不快，究竟是他人说过的话、某个举动还是某种行为让你产生这种感受。

So the first thing to do I think is to identify what it is about a situation that makes you upset and what exactly it was whether it was something someone has said, an action, a behaviour that has left you feeling that way.

归根结底，我认为边界感关乎什么能让我们感到愉悦和舒适。

Ultimately I think boundaries speak to what makes us feel good and comfortable.

所以如果某件事让你感到不适，很可能是因为它越过了你尚未能明确识别的心理边界。

So if something is making you uncomfortable it's likely that it's crossed a boundary that you haven't even been able to identify yet.

在这个阶段，认真思考'为什么会发生这种情况'非常重要。

And at this stage, it's really important to think through why did that happen?

是什么触发了这种情绪？

What was triggering about that?

对方行为中的哪个具体因素让我感到不快？

What particular element of that person's behaviour made me upset?

如果我考虑设定界限并指出这种行为，我这样做想要达成什么目的？

And if I'm thinking about setting a boundary and calling out this behavior, what is it that you want to accomplish by doing that?

你认为这是你能够做到的事情吗？

And do you think that it's something that you're going to be able to do?

你认为开诚布公地交谈还是直接坚决拒绝，哪种方式更能帮助你达成预期结果？

Do you think that having an open conversation or just saying a firm no is that going to allow you to achieve that desired outcome?

我认为在考虑如何为个人生活和私人领域设定界限时，另一个重要因素是：你具体想设定什么样的界限，这个界限是否与你期望的结果直接相关。

I think the other important thing to consider when we are thinking about boundaries and how to set them in our personal lives and our private lives is what exactly is the boundary that you want to set and does it directly correlate to the outcome that you want.

我认为界限必须针对那些引发你不快的行为或举动。

The boundary I think has to be specific to the behaviour or action that has caused you to become upset.

否则就只是为了设界限而设界限，很可能不会带来实质改变。

Otherwise, it's just a boundary for boundaries sake and it probably won't change much.

我认为对自己保持非常、非常清晰的认识很重要

I think it's important to be very, very clear with ourselves.

你的界限是什么？

What is your boundary?

为什么你需要这个界限？

Why do you need this boundary?

为什么它很重要？

Why is it important?

是因为你不想父母询问你的感情生活，还是你需要更多个人空间，或是需要与伴侣有专属的独处时间？

Is it that you don't want your parents to ask about your dating life or that you need more space or a dedicated alone time from your partner?

无论具体原因是什么，如果你自己都无法清晰表达，那就很难取得任何进展

Whatever it may be, you're not going to get anywhere if you're not able to articulate it to yourself to begin with.

我认为真正重要的是要理解：为什么我需要这个界限？它能满足什么需求？为什么它很重要？

And I think it's really important to have an understanding of why do I need this boundary, what need does it serve, Why is it important?

在开始考虑如何向对方传达之前，先把这些问题梳理清楚

And get those things kind of ironed out before you begin to approach the idea of communicating that to another party.

下一步，我认为这是令人害怕的一步，不是吗？

The next step, I think it's the scary one, isn't it?

我们都知道这一步迟早会来。

We all knew it was coming.

你需要向对方明确表达那个界限。

You're gonna need to verbalise that boundary to the other person.

否则，就永远无法实现。

Otherwise, it's never gonna happen.

就像我之前说的，这是个残酷的事实——人们无法读懂你的心思，我们也不该期待他们能做到。

Like I said before, it's a hard truth but people can't read your mind and we can't expect them to either.

所以你需要向对方明确表达你需要什么、愿意接受哪些行为、以及你希望被如何对待。

So you will need to verbalise to the other person what it is you need, what behaviour you're willing to accept and how you want to be treated.

我认为如果你想维持与对方的关系，你需要采取一种方式，尽量避免让他们措手不及。

I think if you want to maintain the relationship with the person you're speaking to you're going to need to go on with an approach and try not to blindside them.

通常当我们遇到冒犯或感到不安的情况时，我们往往会变得非常情绪化，特别是当某些事突破了我们的界限时。

Often we often I think when we have experiences where something offends us or we feel upset we have this tendency to be really reactive, particularly when something disrupts our boundaries.

有时我们会遇到那种情况，我们不喜欢的行为可能会出现，有人可能会说些什么或向我们提出要求，那一刻我们感觉自己可能会爆发。

Sometimes we'll be in a situation and that behaviour that we dislike might come up, someone might say something or ask something of us and in that moment we feel like we might burst.

尤其是如果这件事已经困扰我们一段时间了。

Especially if it's something that's been bothering us for a while.

你知道，我们身处那种情境中，能感觉到挫败感正在不断上升。

You know, we're sitting in that situation and we just feel the frustration bubbling up.

根据个人经验，我会建议你不要立即做出反应。

And I would advise you from personal experience to not react immediately.

这并不意味着你不能当场表达意见或必须忍气吞声，但稍作停顿可以避免让情绪蒙蔽双眼，妨碍你达成想要的结果。

It doesn't mean you can't say anything in the moment or you need to bite your tongue, but just take a second so that you don't let your feelings almost blind you or get in the way of achieving the outcome you want.

深呼吸，然后再说点什么。

Take a deep breath and then say something.

最糟糕的做法——尤其是对于你想维持的关系而言——就是说出言不由衷的话，或在愤怒中说出可能后悔的话。

The worst thing you can do, especially if it's a relationship you want to maintain, is say something that you don't mean or something that you might regret out of anger.

你仍然可以为自己发声，而且我认为理性处理问题才是更明智的做法。

You're still able to stand up for yourself and I think you're doing more of a service if you go into it rationally.

不过最终，你还是需要展开对话，在对话中明确告诉对方你想要什么，具体是哪些行为或举动让你感到不快，以及为什么这些需要改变。

Eventually though, you're gonna have to have a conversation and in that conversation be really clear with the other person about what it is that you want, what is it about the behaviour or the action that has upset you and why that needs to change.

这其实是情侣咨询中非常常见的策略，就是使用'我'开头的表达方式。

This is like a really common strategy in couples counselling actually and that is to use I language.

比如：当你贬低我时，我感到很难受。

So like I feel bad when you put me down.

当你要求我立即回复时，我感到很有压力。

I feel stressed when you want me to reply instantly.

当你询问我的感情生活或评论我的体重时，我会感到生气或沮丧。

I feel upset or angry when you ask me about my dating life or when you make comments about my weight.

使用这种'我'开头的表达能确保对方不会产生防御心理，反而更容易接受你说的话，这对双方都是积极的结果。

And by using that I language it makes sure that the other person doesn't feel defensive rather they feel receptive to what you're saying which is a positive outcome for everyone.

同时尽量使用简洁清晰的语句，准确说明你为何会有这种感受，以及为何需要设定这个界限。

Also try and use succinct clear phrases to clarify exactly why you feel this way and why you feel the need to set this boundary.

我认为健康开放的沟通方式可以解决任何问题。

I think there is nothing that healthy, open communication cannot do.

特别是如果对方是关心我们、关心你、在意这段关系的人。

Especially if it's someone who cares about us, who cares about you, who cares about your relationship.

如果对方确实表现出消极反应，我认为这很大程度上表明对方存在更深层次的不尊重。

And if it is the case that that person does react negatively, well I do think that's highly indicative that there's a deeper lack of disrespect.

或许还有其他需要解决的问题。

Or maybe there are other things that need to be addressed.

我可能需要多次重申这一点，这也是非常正常的。

It's also very normal that I have to reiterate it maybe a couple of times.

我不会超过一两个。

I wouldn't go above one or two.

或者你可能需要纠正他们的行为。

Or maybe you will have to correct their behaviour.

但如果这种情况持续发生，对方既不道歉也不积极寻求改变，还不断逾越你的界限，也许是时候采取更严厉的措施了。

But if it does keep happening and they don't apologise or they don't actively seek to change and they keep crossing your boundary, maybe it's time for more drastic measures.

我认为值得指出的是，拥有健康界限的人能够根据情况调整自己的界限，以保持适当的连接程度。

I think it's worth noting here that people with healthy boundaries are able to adjust their boundary depending on the situation to allow for the appropriate level of connection.

要知道在实践中，我们会有意识或无意识地运用边界来决定什么能让我们感到舒适，而这种标准可能每天都在变化。

You know in practice we consciously and unconsciously use boundaries to decide what allows us to feel comfortable and on a daily basis that might change.

但你可能设定了一个非常严格的界限，比如'绝对不能越过这条线'这样的框架。

But you might have a very strict, like, do not go past this point type of setup.

但有时候，确保我们的边界不要过于严格也很重要。

But sometimes it's important to make sure that our boundaries aren't too strict.

反过来也一样，当我们的边界过于宽松、过于灵活时，往往会让人有机可乘，或是让我们接受本不该承受的对待。

And on the flip side, like, when our boundaries are too permeable, when they're too flexible, often we tend to let people take advantage of us or accept treatment that we don't deserve.

这就好像我们完全没有边界一样。

It's like we don't have a boundary at all.

所以关键在于找到中间地带，既能获得应得的尊重，又能理解人人都会犯错并适应环境变化。

So it's about finding that middle ground, right, where we're able to receive the respect we deserve but we're also able to understand that people make mistakes and adapt to our circumstances.

当我们开始建立健康边界时，那些习惯了你原有行为模式的人，那些习惯了对你口无遮拦或占便宜的人，自然会感到不满。

When we're in the process of establishing healthy boundaries, I think naturally, the people that are used to you behaving some way, the people who are used to being able to say whatever they want or to take advantage of you, they're going to get upset.

有些人甚至可能继续无视你的边界。

And some people might even continue to disrespect your boundaries.

他们可能永远不会支持你的需求。

They might never be supportive of what you need.

我认为在这种情况下，当你觉得，哦，我和伴侣或朋友设定了这个界限，但他们却一再越界。

I think in these instances when you feel like, oh, I set this boundary with my partner or with my friend and they just keep pushing it.

他们不断违反这个界限。

They keep violating it.

他们仍然继续对我说那些话。

They still keep saying those things to me.

他们仍然不打招呼就用我的车，或者仍然对此事评头论足，或者打扰我的私人时间和空闲时间。

They still keep using my car without asking or they still keep making comments about this or interrupting my personal and my free time.

有时候我们会觉得问题出在我身上，而不是他们。

Sometimes we can feel like the problem is me, not them.

这绝对不是事实。

And that's definitely not the case.

你值得被用你希望的方式对待。

You deserve to be treated the way that you want to be treated.