本集简介
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嘿，大家好。
Hey, everybody.
我是伊拉。
It's Ira.
好的。
Okay.
所以你们现在正在听的不是我们常规的每周节目，而是一集我们特意为假期添加到播客频道的额外内容。
So what you're listening to right this second is not our regular weekly program, but an extra episode that we decided just to throw it on the podcast feed for the holiday.
圣诞快乐。
And Merry Christmas.
我们只是觉得，这周很多人可能会长途旅行，坐飞机或开车，路上想多听点东西。
We just figured that lots of you might be traveling long distances this week, flying or driving, and might wanna have something extra to listen to on the way.
或者你和家人在一起，只是需要一段长时间的散步，暂时远离你爱的人。
Or maybe you're with your family, you just need a long walk where you get a break from people who you love.
你当然深爱着他们。
You definitely do love them.
毫无疑问，但有时候人真的就是需要一点休息。
There's no question, but sometimes a person does just sometimes need a little break.
明白吗？
Okay?
总之，现在是圣诞节。
Anyway, it's Christmas time.
这一集来自我们作为全国性节目刚起步的第一年。
This episode is from our very first year as a national show.
里面有几个经典的旧式故事，经得起时间的考验。
Has a couple of classic old school stories that definitely stand the test of time.
好吧。
Okay.
我说得够多了。
I've said enough.
现在我把话筒交回给当时的我自己。
I'm now handing off now to myself back then.
你知道吗
You know that
有人说，在危机中你真的能看出一个人的本质吗？
saying, you can really tell who somebody is in a crisis?
在圣诞节你也能真正看出来。
You can really tell at Christmas too.
因为圣诞节，比美国一年中的任何一天都更像一个日子，我们所有人都被赋予了相同的舞台道具：同一棵树、同样的礼物、同样的餐食、同样的亲戚，以及同样的期望。
That's because Christmas, more than any other day in the American year, is a day when we're all handed the same the same stage props, the same tree, the presents, the meal, the relatives, and all the same expectations.
然后我们都试图营造出差不多相同的一天。
And then we all try to create more or less the same kind of day.
这就像数亿人同时着手做完全相同的艺术项目。
It's like hundreds of millions of people all set to work doing exactly the same art project.
不只是任何艺术项目，而是一个高风险的艺术项目，每个人都非常在意能否做好。
Not just any art project, but a very high stakes art project, an art project everybody cares about getting right.
在这种环境下，人们所做的选择显得从未如此清晰。
And in that setting, the choices people make never seem clearer.
你可以在这个现代圣诞节的中心之一——全球最大的玩具店玩具反斗城，见证这种人性戏剧的上演。
And one place you can witness this human drama at work is at one of the epicenters of modern Christmas, the world's biggest toy store, Toys R Us.
平安夜，关门时间。
Closing time, Christmas Eve.
但店里依然
But still the store
挤满了父母，他们正在为完美的圣诞节做最后的冲刺。
is filled with parents making one last run to the goal line of a perfect Christmas.
马克·内米斯和他的十几岁的儿子里基正沿着商店的长度行走，脚步快得几乎要跑起来。
Mark Nemis and his teenage son Ricky are walking the length of the store, walking literally as quickly as men can walk without actually breaking into a run.
他们的身体紧绷着。
Their bodies are tense.
他们注意到一位售货员。
They spot a salesgirl.
你知道这些双胞胎娃娃在哪里吗？
Do do you know where these twin dolls are?
他们是双胞胎。
They're twins.
他们要七十美元左右。
They're like $70.
他们被引导到12C通道。
They're directed into Aisle 12 C.
那里堆满了娃娃。
It is stacked high with dolls.
内梅兹兄弟没多少时间了。
The Nemez boys don't have much time.
双胞胎娃娃在哪里？
Where are the twin dolls?
有一款叫‘真心宝贝’的娃娃，它的心真的会跳动。
There's heart to heart baby whose heart really beats.
还有一款叫‘可弯曲的睡意柔肤’娃娃。
There's Posable Sleepy Softskin.
这是软蒂娜，奇迹软泡沫娃娃。
There's Soft Tina, the Miracle soft foam doll.
这是贝塔洛特宝宝。
There's baby Beethalot.
这是丹妮尔的时尚套装。
There's Danielle's fashion ensemble.
这是宝宝辫子，可爱的可拥抱时尚头发娃娃。
There's baby braids, the pretty huggable fashion hair doll.
这是宝宝图明托克斯。
There's baby Tumming Tox.
它们就在这条过道的某个地方。
They're in this aisle somewhere.
-嗯，没有。
-Well, no.
实际上，它们不在。
Actually, they're not.
一对中年夫妇正在寻找一款名为闪亮娃娃的玩偶，他们指向了11C区。
A middle aged couple themselves in the search for a doll called the sparkle doll suggests 11c.
不知为何，11C区的所有玩偶名字都像是成人电影女演员的名字。
All the dolls in 11c, for some reason, have names that suggest the names of starlets in adult films.
比如害羞的雪莉、宝宝颤抖、粉末泳池双胞胎、前任玩伴、黛比可拆卸配件。
So Shy Sherry, Baby Shivers, Powder Pool Twins, Previous Playmate, Debbie Attachable Accessories.
站在那里，我突然意识到，这些名字确实像成人电影里的名字。
Standing there, I realized, of course, their names are like names from adult films.
你还能在哪儿见到这种过度包装、充满戏剧性的少女风格？
Where else do you find this kind of hyped up packaged theatrical girlishness?
就在这里。
Right here.
就在这儿。
Here.
哦，它们在这儿。
Oh, here they are.
好吧。
Okay.
他们找到了双胞胎娃娃的价格标签，站在那里感到不安。
They find the price sticker on the twins' doll, and they stand there unnerved.
我不知道。
I don't know.
什么
What
你笑什么？
are you laughing at?
价格。
The price.
结果是90美元。
It turns out to be $90.
哦，好吧。
Oh, well.
我想我得买下了。
I guess I gotta get it.
是的。
Yes.
这是给谁的？
Who's it for?
这是我女儿的。
It's for my daughter.
她多大了？
How old is she?
她四岁，马上五岁了。
She's four, gonna be five.
你为什么这么晚才买？
Do you how come how come how come so last minute?
意思是，商店两分钟后就要关门了？
Mean, the store closes in just two minutes?
我们给她买了些别的东西，今晚她问了我三次圣诞老人会不会来，我说会。
We we bought her some other things, and tonight, she asked me three times if Santa was coming, and I said yes.
她说，太好了，因为她要给我带来这对双胞胎。
And she said, good, because she's she's bringing me these twins.
所以我们没买到。
So and we didn't have it.
我从来没想过，我会在平安夜凌晨七点半做这种事。
So I never thought I'd be doing this at 07:30 on Christmas Eve.
我在电影里见过这种场景。
I've seen it in movies.
我发誓，我从来没想过自己会这样。
I swear to God, I never thought I'd be doing this.
但我就在这儿
But here I
了。
am.
所以，好吧，我现在得去付钱了。
So well, I gotta go pay for this now.
你是个好爸爸。
You're a good dad.
好的。
Okay.
我
I
最好别超过90美元。
better be for $90.
这就是圣诞节的特别之处。
This is the thing about Christmas.
圣诞节给了他一个舞台，让他证明自己是谁。
Christmas has given him a stage on which he can prove who he is.
他一直都是那个好爸爸，只是现在更明显了，你知道的。
He's the same good dad he always is, but more so, you know.
圣诞节就是每个人都会展现出本来的样子，但更加鲜明。
Christmas Christmas is the time when everybody is who they normally are, but more so.
从WB EZ芝加哥到《美国生活》，我是艾拉·格拉斯。
Well, from WB EZ Chicago to This American Life, I'm Ira Glass.
如果你是第一次收听我们的节目，全美多家公共广播电台刚刚开始播出这个圣诞特别节目。
If you are hearing our program for the first time, a number of public radio stations around the country are just picking us up for this Christmas special.
我们是一个新的公共广播节目。
We are a new public radio show.
每周，我们会选定一个主题，邀请各种作家、表演者和广播制作人，通过广播独白、微型纪录片、无意中录下的对话、现成的录音等任何我们能想到的形式来探讨这个主题。
Each week, we choose a theme, invite a variety of writers, performers, radio producers to tackle that theme with radio monologues, mini documentaries, overheard conversations, found tape, anything we can think of.
今天的节目分为三幕。
Today's program in three acts.
第一幕：玩具反斗城。
Act one, Toys R Us.
第二幕：大卫·塞达里的桑达兰日记。
Act two, David Sedaris' Sandaland Diaries.
第三幕，圣诞弗洛伊德。
Act three, Christmas Freud.
那就是西格蒙德·弗洛伊德。
That's Sigmund Freud.
请继续收听。
Stay with us.
《This American Life》第二幕。
This American Life, act two.
我的服装是绿色的。
My costume is green.
我穿着绿色天鹅绒短裤、森林绿天鹅绒罩衫，还戴了一顶装饰着亮片的俏皮小帽。
I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock, and a perky little hat decorated with spangles.
这就是我的工作制服。
This is my work uniform.
那是大卫·塞达里斯。
That's David Sedaris.
顺便说一下，这是2025年的我。
This is me back in 2025, by the way.
在《美国生活》开播前几年，大卫曾讲过一个故事，讲的是他在梅西百货公司当了两个圣诞节的圣诞精灵。
So a few years before This American Life began, David had this story about working as an elf at Macy's department store for two Christmases.
我把它剪辑成一个八分钟的版本，放到了NPR的《晨间新闻》节目中。
And I made a little eight minute version of that and put it onto NPR's Morning Edition.
当时我正在为NPR新闻工作。
I was working for NPR News at the time.
我们知道人们喜欢这个故事，因为那时我们就是这么衡量的。
And we knew people liked that story because and this is how we measured it back then.
NPR卖出了大量这个故事的磁带，数量超过了《晨间新闻》历史上任何其他故事。
NPR sold a ton of cassettes of the story, like more than any story in Morning Edition's history.
从那以后，他们每年都重播这个故事。
And they have been rerunning the story every year since.
不过，《桑达林日记》的《晨间新闻》版本只有八分半钟，因为《晨间新闻》的节目形式会不断中断，插播新闻等内容。
Though the Morning Edition version of Sandaline Diaries ran for only eight and a half minutes because of the format of morning edition where they, you know, cut away the news and stuff over and over during the hour.
在这里，我们有足够的时间来完整地播放一段更接近大卫原始文本的内容，也就是他故事出版版本中的原文。
Here, we have the time to actually stretch out and play you something that is actually much closer to David's original text and what you would find in the published version of his story.
以下是大卫的原话。
So here's David.
我正在一家咖啡馆看招聘广告，看到梅西百货哈德逊广场——世界上最大的百货公司——正在为性格外向、热爱生活、体型各异的人提供绝佳机会。
I was in a coffee shop reading the want ads when I saw Macy's Herald Square, the largest store in the world, has big opportunities for outgoing, fun loving people of all shapes and sizes.
在梅西百货的圣诞老人乐园当精灵，意味着置身于热闹的中心。
Working as an elf in Macy's Santa Land means being at the center of the excitement.
我把广告带回家，我和室友拉斯特笑个不停，他怂恿我打电话去应聘。
I brought the ad home, and my roommate Rusty and I were laughing about it, and he dared me to call for an interview.
于是我打了电话。
So I did.
梅西百货的女士问我：你有兴趣应聘全职精灵，还是晚间和周末精灵？
The woman at Macy's asked, would you be interested in full time elf or evening and weekend elf?
我说：我要全职精灵。
I said full time elf.
我是一个33岁的男人，申请当一个精灵。
I'm a 33 year old man applying for a job as an elf.
我经常在街上看到人们穿着各种道具服装派发传单。
I often see people in the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets.
我通常会避开传单，但看到一个成年男人穿着塔可饼的服装，我心都碎了。
I usually avoid leaflets, but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco.
所以，只要涉及服装，我不仅会接受传单，还会礼貌地接受，说‘非常感谢’，心里却想：‘你这个可怜的家伙。’
So if there's a costume involved, I tend to not only accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying thank you so much and thinking, you poor son of a bitch.
今天下午在列克星敦大道，我从一个穿着摄像机服装的男人手里接过了传单。
This afternoon on Lexington Avenue, I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder.
热狗、塔可饼、摄像机，这些东西让我感到悲伤，因为它们无处安身，没有归属。
Hot dogs, tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because there's no place for them, no community.
它们在街上找不到容身之处。
They don't fit in on the streets.
我想，至少当个精灵，我总会有个地方。
I figured that at least as an elf, will have a place.
我会和其他精灵一起待在圣诞老人的村庄里。
I'll be in Santa's Village with all the other elves.
我们住在一片毛茸茸的仙境中，周围是薄荷糖和姜饼小屋。
We live in a fluffy wonderland surrounded by candy canes and gingerbread shacks.
这总比在街角当个巨大的薯条要好得多。
It won't be quite as sad as being some big french fry out on the street corner.
我得承认，刚搬到纽约时我抱有很高的期望。
I have to admit that I had high hopes when moving to New York.
在我的想象中，我直接从宾州车站去了《我的一生》的办公室。
In my imagination, I went straight from Penn Station to the offices of One Life to Live.
在我的想象中，我和科德·罗伯茨和维多利亚·布坎南一起出去喝酒，他们是这部剧最出名的演员。
In my imagination, I went out for drinks with Cord Roberts and Victoria Buchanan, the show's biggest stars.
我们会坐在托尼鸡尾酒馆的柔软卡座里，他们举起冰凉的酒杯朝我致意，说：为大卫·塞达里斯干杯，这是这部剧有史以来最棒的编剧。
We'd sit in a plush booth at a Tony cocktail lounge, and they'd lift their frosty glasses in my direction and say, a toast to David Sedaris, the best writer this show ever had.
我会说：你们别闹了。
I'd say, you guys cut it out.
周围桌子里的人会盯着我们，低声议论：那不是吗？
People at the surrounding tables would stare at us whispering, isn't that?
那不是吗？
Isn't that?
我可能会被他们的热情分心，而维多利亚·布坎南会把手放在我的手上，告诉我最好习惯成为众人关注的焦点。
I might be distracted by their enthusiasm, and Victoria Buchanan would lay her hand over mine and tell me that I'd better get used to being the center of the attention.
但事实上，我正在申请一份精灵的工作。
But instead, I'm applying for a job as an elf.
相反，有人会问：你的鞋码是多少来着？
Instead, someone will say, what's that shoe size again?
然后递给我一双七又二分之一码的拖鞋，鞋尖还翘成一点。
And hand me a pair of seven and a half slippers, toes of which curl to a point.
更糟糕的是，我很可能根本不会被录用，甚至连当个精灵的工作都找不到。
Even worse is a very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf.
那就是你知道自己失败的时候。
That's when you know you're a failure.
今天下午，我坐在八楼的圣诞老人乐园办公室，被告知：‘恭喜您，塞达里斯先生，您成为一名精灵了。’
This afternoon, I sat in the 8th Floor Santa Land office and was told, congratulations, mister Sedaris, you're an elf.
为了成为精灵，我填了十页表格，做了多项选择性格测试，参加了两次面试，并提交了尿样进行药物检测。
In order to become an elf, I filled out 10 pages worth of forms, took a multiple choice personality test, underwent two interviews, and submitted urine for a drug test.
在第二次面试中，我们被问到为什么想成为精灵，仔细想想，这是一个相当棘手的问题。
During the second interview, we were asked why we wanted to be elves, which when you think about it is a fairly tough question.
我告诉面试官，我想成为精灵，因为这是我想过最荒谬的事情。
I told the interviews that I wanted to be an elf because because it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of.
我心想，这辈子我终于可以完全诚实一次，看看能走多远。
I figured that for once in my life, I would be completely honest and see how far it got me.
我药物检测没通过。
I failed the drug test.
我的尿液里漂着蟑螂和烟蒂，但他们还是录用了我，这跟诚实一点关系都没有。
My urine had roaches and stems floating in it, but still they hired me, and honesty had nothing to do with it.
他们录用我是因为我个子矮。
They hired me because I'm short.
他们雇用的每个人都身材矮小。
Everyone they hired is short.
我是其中较高的一个精灵。
I am one of the taller elves.
在过去几天里，我一直在梅西百货一间没有窗户、拥挤的教室里接受精灵培训的第一阶段。
I have spent the last several days sitting in a crowded windowless Macy's classroom undergoing the first phases of elf training.
我们接受了各种讲师的讲话，他们一开始都会说：‘这是一群出色的精灵。’
We have been addressed by all sorts of instructors who begin their presentations by saying, this looks like an outstanding group of elves.
几位主管带领我们进行激励性的欢呼，这一概念让我深感震惊。
Several of the bosses have led us in motivational cheers, a concept which stuns me to the core.
在八小时的收银机培训之后，我们观看了安保人员的视频演示，接待了为听障人士提供的翻译人员，并收到了《精灵指南》——一本40页的规则与条例手册。
Following an eight hour day of cash register training, we were treated to a video presentation by the security staff, visited by interpreters for the deaf, and presented with The Elfin Guide, a 40 page booklet of rules and regulations.
今天下午的培训以参观圣诞老人乐园结束。
This afternoon's training concluded with a tour of Santaland.
圣诞老人乐园非常美丽，真的非常美丽。
Santaland is beautiful, It really is.
这是一个拥有上万盏闪烁灯光和各种娱乐设施的仙境。
It's a wonderland with 10,000 twinkling lights and diversions.
人们进入后会穿过一个迷宫，沿途可以看到机械跳舞的企鹅、火车模型、旋转的熊和巨大的糖果杖。
People enter and walk through a maze which affords views of mechanical dancing penguins, train sets, spinning bears, and really big candy canes.
他们要走过四分之一英里的迷宫，最终到达魔法树，然后为见到圣诞老人做好心理准备。
They walk through a quarter mile of maze and wind up at the magic tree, at which point they brace themselves for Santa.
这棵树是一个设计成复杂根系系统的隧道。
The tree is a tunnel designed to resemble a complex system of roots.
孩子本该想：我简直不敢相信我置身于一棵树里。
The child is supposed to think, I can't believe I'm inside a tree.
但我觉得它看起来就像一个大型的人体消化道科学模型。
But instead, I think it looks like a large scientific model of the human intestinal tract.
一旦他穿过魔法树，灯光就变暗了。
Once he passed the magic tree, the lights dim.
那棵树后面一片漆黑。
It's dark beyond that tree.
这里很暗，因为梅西百货不希望人们知道有六间房子。
It's dark because Macy's does not want people to know that there are six houses.
梅西百货希望人们相信只有一间房子、一个圣诞老人，而且他住在梅西百货。
Macy's wants people to think that there is only one house and one Santa and he lives at Macy's.
他们不断提及电影《34街的奇迹》。
They constantly refer to the movie Miracle on 34th Street.
但即使有人相信只有一个圣诞老人，为什么他们会相信他住在一家百货商店里呢？
But even if someone believed in one Santa, why would they believe he lived in an apartment store?
没人会住在百货商店里。
Nobody lives department store.
圣诞老人的房子温馨而私密，堆满了玩具。
The Santa houses are cozy and intimate, laden with toys.
每间房子都装有隐藏摄像头。
Each house has a hidden camera.
今天下午，我们了解了各个精灵职位的名称。
This afternoon, we learned the names of the various elf positions.
你可以扮演，比如，天啊，一个精灵，站在自动扶梯附近的角落。
You can be, for example, an, oh my god, elf, and stand at the corner near the escalator.
人们到达后，看到拐角处排起的长队，会说：天啊。
People arrive, see the long line around the corner, and say, my god.
你的工作是告诉他们，见到圣诞老人最多不会超过一小时。
And your job is to tell them that it won't take more than an hour to see Santa.
你可以担任入口精灵、饮水机精灵、桥梁精灵、火车精灵、迷宫精灵、岛屿精灵、魔法窗精灵、紧急出口精灵、柜台精灵、魔法树精灵、指示精灵、圣诞老人精灵、拍照精灵、引导精灵、收银精灵或出口精灵。
You can be an entrance elf, a water cooler elf, a bridge elf, train elf, maze elf, island elf, magic window elf, emergency exit elf, counter elf, magic tree elf, pointer elf, Santa elf, photo elf, usher elf, cash register elf, or exit elf.
我们观看了各种岗位的现场演示，由返岗的精灵们表演，他们表现得太过夸张和滑稽，让我有点反胃。
We were given a demonstration of various positions in action, acted out by returning elves who were so on stage and goofy that it made me a little sick to my stomach.
我不知道自己是否能直视别人的眼睛，大喊：天啊，我好像看到圣诞老人了。
I don't know that I could look anyone in the eye and exclaim, oh my goodness, I think I see Santa.
或者你能闭上眼睛，许下一个特别的圣诞愿望吗？
Or can you close your eyes and make a very special Christmas wish?
这些精灵说的每一句话，句尾似乎都带着一个感叹号。
Everything these elves say seems to have an exclamation point on the end of it.
用这种强装的欢乐说话，让人嘴巴都疼。
It makes one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
听到人们这样说话，我觉得很尴尬。
It embarrasses me to hear people talk this way.
我更喜欢对孩子坦诚相待。
I prefer being frank with children.
我更可能说：你一定累坏了吧，或者我知道很多人会羡慕你这么纤细的腰身。
I'm more likely to say, you must be exhausted, or I know a lot of people who would kill for that little waistline of yours.
我担心自己无法提供圣诞老人所要求的那份热情。
I'm afraid I won't be able to provide the enthusiasm Santa is asking for.
我想我会做一个低调的精灵。
I think I'll be a low key sort of elf.
今天是精灵的服装彩排。
Today was elf dress rehearsal.
储物柜和更衣室在八楼，正对着圣诞老人乐园。
The lockers and dressing rooms are on the 8th Floor directly behind Santa Land.
在过去四天的培训中，大家彼此熟悉了，但当我们脱下自己的衣服、穿上制服后，一切都变了。
People have gotten to know one another over the past four days of training, but once we took off our clothes and put on our costumes, everything changed.
负责服装的艾薇给我们分发了制服，并给我们上了一课，强调要保持清洁。
Ivy, the woman in charge of costuming, handed out our uniforms and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean.
她举起一张日历说：‘女士们，你们知道这是什么吧。’
She held up a calendar and said, ladies, you know what this is.
用它。
Use it.
我已经从精灵内裤的裆部刮过足够多的血迹，这辈子都不想再碰了，别跟我说你不穿内裤。
I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life, and don't tell me I don't wear underpants.
我是个舞者。
I'm a dancer.
你不是舞者。
You're not a dancer.
如果你真是个舞者，就不会在这儿了。
If you were a real dancer, you wouldn't be here.
你是个精灵，就得像精灵一样穿内裤。
You're an elf, and you're gonna wear panties like an elf.
我的服装是绿色的。
My costume is green.
我穿着绿色天鹅绒短裤、森林绿天鹅绒长袍，还戴了一顶装饰着亮片的俏皮小帽子。
I wear green velvet knickers, a forest green velvet smock, and a perky little hat decorated with spangles.
这就是我的工作制服。
This is my work uniform.
在彩排期间，我担任了2号房子的圣诞精灵。
During dress rehearsal, I worked as a Santa elf for House Number 2.
圣诞精灵会在魔法树前迎接孩子们，并带他们去圣诞老人的家。
A Santa elf greets children at the magic tree and leads them to Santa's house.
当你担任圣诞精灵时，必须使用你的精灵名字。
When you work as a Santa elf, you have to go by your elf name.
我的精灵名字是克兰皮特。
My elf name is Crumpit.
其他精灵的名字像铃铛和霜霜。
The other elves have names like Jingle and Frosty.
他们牵着孩子们的手，装出夸张的喜悦尖叫。
They take the children by the hand and squeal with forced delight.
他们唱歌跳舞，表现得像活过来的卡通人物。
They sing and prance and behave like cartoon characters come to life.
这让我害怕。
It frightens me.
今天是圣诞乐园的正式开幕日，我担任了魔法窗口精灵、圣诞精灵和纳舍精灵。
Today was the official opening day of Santa Land, and I worked as a magic window elf, a Santa elf, and a Nasher elf.
魔法窗口位于成人快速窥视通道。
The magic window is located in the adult quick peep line.
我的工作是说：踩上魔法星星，透过窗口看，你就能看到圣诞老人。
My job was to say, step on the magic star and look through the window, and you can see Santa.
我在魔法窗口站了十五分钟，直到一个男人走过来对我说：你看起来真蠢。
I was at the magic window for fifteen minutes before a man approached me and said, you look so stupid.
我得承认他说得有道理，但我还是想说，至少我靠装傻赚钱，而他却是免费送上门的，可我不能这么说，因为我得假装已婚。
I have to admit that he had a point, but still, I wanted to say that at least I get paid to look stupid, that he gives it away for free, but I can't say things like that because I'm supposed to be married.
所以，我只是说：谢谢。
So instead, I said, thank you.
谢谢。
Thank you.
好像我误解了，以为他说的是：你看起来真棒。
As if I had misunderstood and thought he had said, you look terrific.
谢谢。
Thank you.
他是个壮实的自以为是的家伙，穿着乙烯基夹克，提着一个来自无线电舍的袋子。
He was a brawny wise guy wearing a vinyl jacket and carrying a bag from the radio shack.
我本该大声说：对不起，先生。
I should have said real loud, sorry, man.
我不和别的男人约会。
I don't date other guys.
人们都会转过头来看我们，而他会蜷成一团，直接死掉。
People would have turned and looked our way, and he would have curled into a little ball and died.
所有的圣诞老人有不同的套路。
All the Santas have different routines.
有些圣诞老人想知道孩子们的名字。
Some want the children's names.
所以当你带着孩子们从魔法树旁走过时，你会说：你叫什么名字来着？
So as you're leading the youngsters from the magic tree, you say, what was your name again?
名字就在嘴边，可就是想不起来。
It's right on the tip of my mind where I can't get at it.
然后他们报出名字，你就说：对，是范。
Then they say their name, and you say, that's right, Van.
你是范。
You're Van.
你看，我都没认出你穿着高领毛衣。
See, I didn't recognize you with that turtleneck.
这是新的，对吧？
That's new, isn't it?
而且这总是新的，因为孩子们长得太快，总是需要更大的衣服。
And it's always new because they grow so fast, they're always needing larger clothes.
然后你带他们到圣诞老人的门口，说：让我去看看他准备好了没有。
Then you lead them to Santa's door and say, let me just check and see if he's ready.
你探头进去，低声说：范。
And you poke your head in and whisper, Van.
然后有一半的时间，你会把孩子领进屋里，圣诞老人会说：斯坦，见到你真好。
Then half the time, you'll usher the child into the house, and Santa will say, Stan, it's so good to see you.
当一群有三四个孩子时，这很难办。
It's hard when you have three or four kids in a group.
很难记住所有名字，而且有些名字是我从未听过的。
It's hard to keep the names straight, and some of the names are names I'd never heard.
维内夏、方丹、伟大，有个孩子叫伟大。
Venetia, Fontainej, Great, a child named Great.
我很好。
I'm great.
这个名字将来当他长大到开始四处留情时，肯定会带来麻烦。
That's a name which is bound to prove challenging once he gets old enough to start sleeping around.
今天下午，我担任了圣诞老人霍华德的拍照精灵。
This afternoon, I was photo elf for Santa Howard.
圣诞老人霍华德会使用名字，让孩子们坐在他腿上，问他们是否乖巧，以及想要什么圣诞礼物。
Santa Howard uses names and sits the kids on his lap and asks if they've been good and what they want for Christmas.
然后他会问他们在圣诞前夜打算给他留什么，孩子们会说饼干和牛奶。
And then he asks what they plan to leave him on Christmas Eve, and they say cookies and milk.
他会问是什么口味的饼干，孩子们会说巧克力豆味之类的。
And he asks what kind of cookies, and they say chocolate chip or whatever.
然后他会要求拍照精灵重复一遍：‘巧克力豆？’
And he demands the photo elf to say chocolate chip?
那是圣诞老人最喜欢的饼干口味。
That's Santa's favorite kind of cookie.
我不介意说，但我今天一定已经说了六十遍了。
I don't mind saying it, but I must have said it 60 times today.
今天下午，圣诞老人霍华德遇到一个亚洲孩子，她根本不了解留下饼干的习俗。
This afternoon, Santa Howard got an Asian child who wasn't familiar with the idea of leaving cookies.
圣诞老人问她打算给他留什么吃的，她一脸困惑。
Santa asked what she was going to leave him to eat, and she got a puzzled look on her face.
他说：‘来点能吃的圆形东西？’
He said, something round to eat?
她还说，一个土豆？
And she said, a potato?
今天有两万两千人来见圣诞老人，但并不是所有人都表现良好。
22,000 people came to see Santa today, and not all of them were well behaved.
今天，我目睹了拳打脚踢和在大发脾气时呕吐的场面。
Today, I witnessed fist fights, and vomiting in magnificent tantrums.
一旦队伍变得很长，我们就把它分成四条不同的队，因为任何头脑正常的人，如果知道要等两个多小时才能见到圣诞老人，都会离开。
Once a line gets long, we break it into four different lines because anyone in their right mind would leave if they knew it would take over two hours to see Santa.
两个小时，你都够看一部电影了。
Two hours, you could see a movie in two hours.
排两小时的队让人怀疑自己是不是生活在一个民主国家。
Standing in a two hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.
我被派到走廊去引导第二阶段的队伍。
I was sent into the hallway to direct the second phase of the line.
走廊里挤满了人，每个人都似乎拦住我问问题。
The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question.
扶梯往下怎么走？
Which way to the down escalator?
电梯在哪里？
Which way to the elevator?
露台餐厅和礼品包装怎么走？
The patio restaurant, gift wrap?
女洗手间和特里梅特里在哪里？
The women's restroom, Trimetry?
那里有一条找圣诞老人的队伍，还有一条是女洗手间的队伍。
There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom.
有一位女士，已经问我了一千个问题，又问：哪条是女洗手间的队伍？
And one woman, after asking me a thousand questions already, asked, which is the line for the women's bathroom?
我大声说，我觉得有女人的那条就是女洗手间的队伍。
And I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it.
她说：我要让你被开除。
And she said, I'm gonna have you fired.
今天已经有两个人对我说过这句话了。
I had two people say that to me today.
我要让你被开除。
I'm gonna have you fired.
去吧。
Go ahead.
请便。
Be my guest.
我穿着一件绿色丝绒服装。
I'm wearing a green velvet costume.
情况再糟糕不过了。
It doesn't get any worse than this.
这些人以为自己是谁？
Who do these people think they are?
我要让你被开除。
I'm gonna have you fired.
我真想凑过去说，我要让你去死。
And I wanna lean over and say, I'm gonna have you killed.
这个
This
今天早上，我在魔法窗口前被困住了，真的特别无聊。
morning, I got stuck at the magic window, which is really boring.
我得站在那儿说，踩上魔法星星，你就能看到圣诞老人。
I'm supposed to stand around and say, step on the magic star and you can see Santa.
我曾经这么说过一段时间，后来我开始说：‘踩上魔法星星，你就能看到谢丽尔’，人们变得兴奋起来。
I said that for a while, and then I started saying, step on the magic star and you can see Cher, and people got excited.
于是我说：‘踩上魔法星星，你就能看到迈克·泰森。’
So I said, step on the magic star and you can see Mike Tyson.
另一条排队坐圣诞老人腿上的队伍里，有些人兴奋地冲过围栏，跑到我的魔法星星上站住。
Some people in the other line, the line to sit on Santa's lap, got excited and cut through the gate so that they could stand on my magic star.
但当他们透过魔法窗口看到的却是圣诞老人，而不是谢丽尔或迈克·泰森时，他们生气了。
Then they got angry when they looked through the magic window and saw Santa rather than Cher or Mike Tyson.
但他们究竟期望什么呢？
But what did they honestly expect?
谢丽尔真的穷到要同意站在梅西百货的单向镜后面吗？
Is Cher so hard up for money that she would agree to stand behind a two way mirror at Macy's?
那些生气的人肯定跟管理层抱怨了，于是我被调离了魔法星星，派去 Elf Island，那地方无聊透顶，你唯一要做的就是站着装开心。
The angry people must have said something to management because I was taken off the magic star and sent to Elf Island, which is really boring, as all you do is stand around and act merry.
今天早上，我当了出口精灵，大声对人们喊：‘这边出圣诞乐园。’
This morning, I worked as an exit elf, telling people in a loud voice, this way out of Santa Land.
一位女士正站在收银台前付款买照片，她的儿子躺在她下面，又踢又闹，大发脾气。
A woman was standing at one of the cash registers paying for her pictures while her son lay beneath her, kicking and heaving, having a tantrum.
那位女士说：‘莱利，如果你不马上乖一点，圣诞老人就不给你买你想要的那些玩具了。',
The woman said, Riley, if you don't start behaving yourself, Santa's not gonna bring you any of those toys you asked for.
孩子说：‘他肯定会给我买玩具，你撒谎。',
The child said, he is too gonna bring me toys, liar.
他已经亲口告诉我了。
He already told me.
那位女士抓住我的手臂说：‘喂，那个精灵。',
The woman grabbed my arm and said, you there, elf.
你告诉莱利，如果他不马上乖乖的，圣诞老人就会改变主意，给他送一筐煤当圣诞礼物。
Tell Riley here that if he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa's gonna change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas.
我说圣诞老人已经改变了政策，不再使用煤了。
I said that Santa changed his policy and no longer traffics in coal.
相反，如果你表现不好，他会来你家偷东西。
Instead, if you're bad, he comes to your house and steals things.
我告诉莱利，如果他不乖乖听话，圣诞老人就会把他的电视和所有电器都拿走，让他陷入黑暗。
I told Riley that if he didn't behave himself, Santa was gonna take away his TV and all his electrical appliances and leave him in the dark.
所有电器，莱利，包括冰箱。
All your appliances, Riley, including the refrigerator.
你的食物会变质，发出难闻的气味。
Your food is gonna spoil and smell bad.
你待的地方会又冷又黑。
It is gonna be so cold and dark where you are.
你会希望自己根本没听说过圣诞老人这个名字。
You're gonna wish you never even heard the name Santa.
女人脸上露出担忧的表情，说：好了。
The woman got a worried look on her face and said, alright.
够了。
That's enough.
我说，他会把你的车、家具、所有毛巾和毯子都拿走，让你一无所有。
I said, he's gonna take your car and your furniture and all of your towels and blankets and leave you with nothing.
母亲说，不行。
The mother said, no.
够了。
That's enough.
真的吗？
Really.
今天有两个新泽西的家庭来见圣诞老人。
Two New Jersey families came today to see Santa.
两个吵闹又难看的丈夫，带着他们的两个妻子和四个孩子。
Two loud ugly husbands with two wives and four children between them.
孩子们围在圣诞老人身边拍了照片。
The children gathered around Santa and had their pictures taken.
当圣诞老人问那个10岁男孩想要什么圣诞礼物时，他的父亲大喊道
When Santa asked the 10 year old boy what he wanted for Christmas his father shouted
一个女人！
a woman!
给他在圣诞老人那儿找个女人！
Get him a woman Santa!
这些男人非常吵闹且令人烦躁，不停地大笑和推搡彼此。
These men were very loud and irritating constantly laughing and jostling one another.
两位女士坐在圣诞老人腿上拍了照片，每人向圣诞老人要了一台凯膳怡牌洗碗机和一件像样的冬衣。
The two women sat on Santa's lap and had their pictures taken, and each asked Santa for a KitchenAid brand dishwasher and a decent winter coat.
然后丈夫坐在圣诞老人腿上，当被问及想要什么圣诞礼物时，其中一个男人大喊：‘我想要个胸大的女人。’
Then the husband sat on Santa's lap, and when asked what he wanted for Christmas, one of the men yelled, I want a broad with big jugs.
那男人胸小的妻子双臂交叉抱在胸前，低头看着地面，咬紧牙关。
The man's small breasted wife crossed her arms over her chest, looked at the floor, and gritted her teeth.
那男人的儿子试图笑出来。
The man's son tried to laugh.
嗨。
Hi.
你好。
Hello.
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你今晚怎么样？
How are doing tonight?
你今晚有什么安排？
What are you up to tonight?
你喝什么？
What are you drinking?
我想喝你喝的那一种。
I think I'll have whatever you're having.
我需要换换口味。
I could use a change.
我的室友拉斯特给了我这些搭讪的话。
My roommate Rusty gave me these lines.
我不知道在俱乐部和酒吧里该跟人说什么。
I don't have any idea what to say to people in clubs and bars.
我会紧张得说不出话，但拉斯特告诉我，这些话很管用。
I freeze up and wither away, but Rusty tells me that these lines work.
嗨。
Hi there.
我刚才站在房间对面，忍不住注意到你的杯子空了。
I was just standing across the room and couldn't help but notice that your glass is empty.
我可以请你喝一杯吗？
Can I buy you a drink?
我想我会喝和你一样的东西。
I think I'll have whatever you're having.
今晚，我是个迷宫精灵。
This evening, I was a maze elf.
当一个迷宫精灵最无聊了。
Nothing is more boring than being a maze elf.
其他迷宫精灵会跟孩子们打招呼，问：你想要什么圣诞礼物？
Other maze elves address children and ask, what do you want for Christmas?
但说实话，孩子为什么要告诉精灵呢？
But really, why should a child tell an elf?
孩子们是来看圣诞老人的，让一个精灵试图盖过圣诞老人的风头，看起来太可怜了。
Santa is who they've come to see, and it seems pathetic for an elf to try to outshine Santa.
孩子们穿过跳舞的企鹅后，只要活着，就再也不想见到任何精灵。
After children have passed the dancing penguins, they don't care if they ever see another elf as long as they live.
迷宫里精灵太多了。
The maze is overpopulated with elves.
今晚，我被派到糖果杖附近的迷宫里站岗。
This evening, I was stationed in the maze near the candy canes.
孩子们经过时一脸无聊，我会问：今晚过得怎么样？
Children would pass, bored, and I'd say, how you doing tonight?
今晚你有什么安排？
What are you up to this evening?
不错。
Good.
我要和你喝一样的。
I'll have whatever you're having.
太棒了。
Terrific.
我见过各种背景的精灵。
I've met elves from all walks of life.
经济衰退对纽约打击很大。
The recession has hit New York very hard.
大多数其他精灵都是演艺界人士，但其中几个以前在广告公司和经纪公司有正经工作。
Most of the other elves are show business people, but several of them had real jobs at advertising agencies and brokerage firms.
可怜他们的心。
Bless their hearts.
这些人从未在最疯狂的梦里想过，未来竟会有一套丝绒服装在等着他们。
These people never in their wildest dreams figured there was a velvet costume waiting in their future.
他们才是真正的苦闷精灵。
They're the really bitter elves.
大多数精灵都是年轻的学生，来自高中和大学。
Most of the elves are young, high school and college students.
他们年轻又可爱，这份工作的一个福利就是我能看到这些人穿着内裤的样子。
They're young and they're cute, and one of the job perks is that I get to see these people in their underpants.
最可爱的精灵是一个来自皇后区的叫里奇的小伙子。
The overall cutest elf is a fellow from Queens named Ritchie.
他的精灵名字叫雪球，他喜欢在孩子们面前夸张表演，有时还会沿着通往圣诞老人房子的小路打滚。
His elf name is Snowball, and he tends to ham it up with the children, sometimes tumbling down the path to Santa's house.
通常当精灵们太可爱时我会觉得反胃，但雪球绝对是可爱到没话说。
I generally gag when elves get that cute, but Snowball is hands down adorable.
你真想把他揣进兜里。
You wanna put him in your pocket.
昨天，我和雪球一起扮演圣诞精灵，当他开始说‘我随时愿意跟你去圣诞老人的家，克伦皮特’之类的话时，我兴奋极了。
Yesterday, Snowball and I worked as Santa elves, and I got excited when he started saying things like, I'd follow you to Santa's house any day, Crumpit.
他的调情让我头晕目眩。
It made me dizzy, his flirtation.
到了下午，我已经开始撞墙了。
By mid afternoon, I was running into walls.
到了傍晚，雪球冷静了下来。
By late afternoon, snowball had cooled down.
下班时，我们正在浴室换衣服，突然被五个圣诞老人和三个其他精灵包围了。
By the end of our shift, we were in the bathroom changing our clothes, and all of a sudden, we were surrounded by five Santas and three other elves.
他们都是雪球之前调情过的男人。
All of them were guys that Snowball had been flirting with.
雪球总是勾引其他精灵和圣诞老人。
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas.
后来，我们在电梯里，听见他对朋友说：我不知道这些家伙为什么都对我这么着迷。
Later on, we were in the elevator, and I heard him say to his friend, I don't know what these guys all want with me.
他们盯着我的样子让我毛骨悚然。
It gives me the creeps the way they stare.
雪球在玩一场危险的游戏。
Snowball is playing a dangerous game.
逗孩子开心是一回事，但你绝对不想在被甩的圣诞老人手下工作。
It's one thing to get a child fired up, but you really don't wanna be working under a jilted Santa.
大卫·塞达里斯的《圣诞村日记》即将继续，敬请关注芝加哥公共广播电台的后续节目。
David Sedaris' Santaland Diaries continue in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.
这里是《美国生活》，我是梅拉·格拉斯。
This is American Life, Myra Glass.
这是我们节目开播第一年播出的圣诞节特别版。
This is the Christmas edition of our program from the first year we were on the air years ago.
我们继续播放大卫·塞达里斯的《圣诞村日记》。
We continue with David Sedaris' Santa Land Diaries.
在所有圣诞老人中，有两位是黑人，但他们的肤色都很浅，加上胡子和妆容，根本看不出他们不是白人。
Out of all the Santas, two are black, and both are so light skinned that with the beard and makeup, you'd never know they weren't white.
昨天，一位黑人女性在要求一位有色人种的圣诞老人后感到不满。
Yesterday, a black woman got upset after having requested a Santa of color.
她被安排见了威尔。
She was sent to Will.
他不是黑人，那位女性说。
He's not black, the woman said.
我们向这位女士保证，是的，他是黑人，但女士说，他还不够黑。
We assured the woman that, yes, he was black, and the woman said, well, he isn't black enough.
威尔是个难搞的圣诞老人，情绪化且难以预测。
Will is a difficult Santa, moody and unpredictable.
他经常盯着远处发呆。
He spends a lot of time staring off into space.
当主管告诉威尔我们需要加快速度时，威尔会变得防御性，并说：听着。
When a boss tells Will that we need to speed things up, Will gets defensive and says, listen.
我在这里扮演一个角色。
I'm playing a role here.
你明白吗？
Do you understand?
这是一个需要大量准备的戏剧性角色。
A dramatic role that takes a great deal of preparation.
今天下午，当一位女士走近我并低声说：我们想要一个传统的圣诞老人时，我就是拉尔夫。
I was the point of Ralph this afternoon when a woman approached me and whispered, we would like a traditional Santa.
我相信你知道我在说什么。
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
我让她去找威尔。
I sent her to Will.
上个星期六，雪球负责接待，一位女士说，去年我们见过一位巧克力色的圣诞老人。
Last Saturday Snowball was the pointer and a woman said, last year we had a chocolate Santa.
确保这种情况不要再发生。
Make sure it doesn't happen again.
雪球让她去找威尔。
Snowball sent her to Will.
我曾在魔法窗前和一个名叫丽塔的精灵待了一段时间，她是一位舞者，正在和她的全女子歌唱团体拍摄一段视频。
I spent time at the magic window with an elf named Rita, a dancer who was in the process of making a video with her all girl singing group.
我们聊了一些有的没的，她告诉我她曾出演过几部肥皂剧。
We talked about one thing and another, and she told me that she's appeared on a few soap operas.
我问她是否演过《我的生命》这部剧，她说演过。
I asked if she'd done one life to live, and she said yes.
两年前，当科德和蒂娜重归于好并在马德里度蜜月时，她曾出演过一个弗拉门戈舞者的配角。
She'd had a bit part as a flamenco dancer two years ago when Cord and Tina remarried and had their honeymoon in Madrid.
突然间，我想起了丽塔的全部细节。
And suddenly, I remembered Rita perfectly.
我记得科德和蒂娜的蜜月，就像发生在昨天一样。
I remember Cord and Tina's honeymoon like it was yesterday.
丽塔穿着一件红色蕾丝弗拉门戈舞裙，在闪亮的夜总会地板上跺脚，而西班牙最伟大的斗牛士向科德发起了决斗挑战。
Rita wore a red lacy flamenco dress and stomped around the shiny nightclub floor while Spain's greatest bullfighter challenged Cord to a duel.
丽塔对科德说：‘别这么做，先生。’
Rita said to Cord, don't do it, senor.
你要是跟西班牙最伟大的斗牛士决斗，那就是个傻瓜。
You'd be a fool to fight with Spain's greatest bullfighter.
丽塔告诉我，科德和蒂娜的蜜月其实是在纽约拍摄的，这让我很惊讶。
Rita told me that Cord and Tina's honeymoon was filmed right here in New York, which surprised me.
我真以为他们去了西班牙。
I really thought they went to Spain.
丽塔告诉我，她早上表演了弗拉门戈舞，然后大家停下来吃午饭。
Rita told me that she performed her flamenco dance in the morning, and then they broke for lunch.
她在《我的一生》剧组的食堂里，蒂娜朝她招手，让她过去坐到她的桌子旁。
She was in the One Life to Live cafeteria, and Tina waved her over to her table.
丽塔和蒂娜一起吃了午饭。
Rita had lunch with Tina.
她说蒂娜非常温柔，但只谈论她对斯莫基·罗宾逊的爱。
She said Tina was very sweet, but all she talked about was her love for Smokey Robinson.
蒂娜在现实生活中爱上了斯莫基·罗宾逊。
Tina fell in love with Smokey Robinson in real life.
她从中破坏了斯莫基和他妻子的婚姻，离开了这部剧，搬去洛杉矶与斯莫基在一起。
She drove a wedge between Smokey and his wife and left the show so that she could move to Los Angeles and be with Smokey.
我曾在《肥皂剧文摘》上读到过这件事，但能从亲历者口中听到整个故事，真是太令人激动了。
I had read that in the soap opera digest, but it was thrilling to hear it from someone who knows the whole story.
后来，我在收银台工作时，经理之一的斯蒂芬妮告诉我，她的朋友卡罗尔是《我的一生》剧组负责换角的人，负责用新蒂娜取代旧蒂娜。
Later, I was working at the cash register, and Stephanie, one of the managers, told me that her friend Carol was the person responsible for recasting on One Life to Live, replacing the old Tina with the new Tina.
我告诉斯蒂芬妮我喜欢新的蒂娜，她说：‘好吧，我会告诉我的朋友卡罗尔。’
I told Stephanie that I like the new Tina and she said, well, I'll tell my friend Carol.
她听到这个一定会很高兴。
She'll be happy to hear it.
然后，另一位经理迈克尔也参与进来，告诉我他曾经七次出演《我的一生》。
Then Michael, another one of the managers got involved and told me he's been on One Life to Live seven times.
五年前，他扮演了克林特·布坎南的律师，当时布坎南家族一半人因谋杀米奇·劳伦斯受审。
He played Clint Buchanan's lawyer five years ago when half the Buchanan family was on trial for the murder of Mitch Lawrence.
迈克尔认识维多利亚·布坎南本人，说她在现实生活中和剧中一样温柔、体贴、真实。
Michael knows Victoria Buchanan personally and said she's just as sweet and caring and real life as she is on the show.
他说克林特通常比较内向，而博很有趣。
He said that Clint tends to keep to himself and that Beau is a lot of fun.
我简直不敢相信我听到这些事。
I can't believe I'm hearing these things.
我认识认识蒂娜、科德、克林特和维基的人。
I know people who know Tina, Cord, Clint, and Vicky.
我正在逼近。
I'm honing in.
我越来越近了。
I'm getting closer.
我能感觉到。
I can feel it.
今天，一个孩子告诉圣诞老人，他想要已故的父亲回来，还想要一套完整的忍者神龟。
Today, a child told Santa that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
每个人都喜欢这些神龟。
Everyone loves those turtles.
今天早上，一个孩子来到圣诞老人面前，他的母亲说：‘好了，杰森。’
A child came to Santa this morning and his mother said, alright, Jason.
好了。
Alright.
告诉圣诞老人你想要什么。
Tell Santa what you want.
告诉他你想要什么。
Tell him what you want.
杰森说，我希望宝洁公司停止动物实验。
Jason said, I want Procton and Gamble to stop animal testing.
母亲说，是宝洁，杰森。
The mother said, Procter, Jason.
是宝洁和吉列。
That's Procter and Gamble.
他们对动物做了什么？
And what do they do to animals?
他们折磨动物吗，杰森？
Do they torture animals, Jason?
他们就是这么做的吗？
Is that what they do?
杰森说，是的。
Jason said, yes.
他们虐待动物。
They torture.
他当时可能只有六岁。
He was maybe six years old.
今晚，一位男士在圣诞老人屋5号向他的女友求婚。
Tonight, a man proposed to his girlfriend in Santa House Number 5.
圣诞老人问他想要什么圣诞礼物，他从口袋里拿出一枚戒指，说他希望这位女士成为他的妻子。
Santa asked what he wanted for Christmas, and he pulled a ring out of his pocket and said that he wanted this woman to be his wife.
照片精灵感动得哽咽起来，开始哭泣。
The photo elf got choked up and started crying.
我换了新发型，有几个人夸我，但我没放在心上。
I got a new haircut and a few people complimented me, but it didn't register.
我整天都在骗人，说你看起来真漂亮。
I spend all day lying to people, saying, you look so pretty.
圣诞老人迫不及待想见你。
And Santa can't wait to visit with you.
你是他一直谈论的全部。
You're all he talks about.
没有你，圣诞节就不完整。
It's just not Christmas without you.
你是整个三州地区圣诞老人最喜爱的人。
You're Santa's favorite person in the entire tri State area.
有时候我会说得特别夸张。
Sometimes I lay it on really thick.
你不是荣诺维亚的公主吗？
Aren't you the princess of Rongovia?
圣诞老人说，一位美丽的公主要来拜访他。
Santa said that a beautiful princess was coming to visit him.
他说她会穿着红色连衣裙，非常漂亮，但不傲慢也不虚伪。
He said she would be wearing a red dress and that she was very pretty, but not stuck up or two faced.
说的就是你，对吧？
That's you, isn't it?
我会在父母面前夸孩子，说‘谢谢’和‘干得好’。
I lay it on in the parents' mouth the words, thank you and good job.
我对一个孩子说：‘你是个模特，对吧？’
To one child, I said, you're a model, aren't you?
那个女孩大概六岁，她回答：‘是的。’
The girl was maybe six years old, and she said, yes.
我做模特，但也演戏。
I model, but I also act.
我刚收到第二个回音，是关于官方价格广告的。
I just got a second callback for official price commercial.
女孩的母亲说：‘你可能认识凯特琳，她出演过我的第一支索尼广告。’
The girl's mother said, you may recognize Caitlyn from the my first Sony campaign.
她出现在包装盒上。
She's pictured on the box.
我说：‘当然认识。’
I said, yes, of course.
我所做的就是撒谎，这让我对赞美产生了免疫力。
All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.
今天下午，我被迫当了圣诞老人的摄影小精灵。
This afternoon, was stuck being photo elf with Santa Santa.
我不知道他的真名。
I don't know his real name.
没人知道。
No one does.
大多数日子里，都会有一段空闲时间，你坐在家里和圣诞老人聊天。
During most days, there's a slow period when you sit around the house and talk to Santa.
他们大多数都是好人，我们会坐在一起笑。
And most of them are nice guys, and we sit around and laugh.
但这位圣诞老人太把自己当回事了。
But Santa Santa takes himself a bit too seriously.
我问他住在哪里，布鲁克林还是曼哈顿，他说：‘哦，我和克劳斯夫人住在北极。’
I asked him where he lives, Brooklyn or Manhattan, and he said, why, I live at the North Pole with missus Claus.
我问他一年中其他时间做什么，他说他为所有孩子制作玩具。
I asked what he does the rest of the year and he said, I make toys for all the children.
圣诞老人坐在那里，即使没人也在挥手摇铃。
Santa Santa sits and waves and jingles his bell sash when no one is there.
他真的背诵了《圣诞前夜》，当时屋里只有我们两个人，没有孩子，就我们俩。
He actually recited the night before Christmas and it was just the two of us in the house, no children, just us.
他说：‘哦，小精灵，小精灵，给圣诞老人把壁炉上的玩具摆整齐。’
He says, oh, little elf, little elf, straighten up those mantle toys for Santa.
我提醒他我有名字，叫克伦皮特，然后我就把毛绒玩具摆整齐了。
I reminded him that I have a name, Crumpit, and then I straightened up the stuffed animals.
‘哦，小精灵，小精灵，给圣诞老人拿颗润喉糖来。’
Oh, little elf, little elf, bring Santa a throat lozenge.
于是我给他拿了一颗润喉糖。
So I brought him a lozenge.
圣诞老人为孩子们准备了一套精心设计的小表演。
Santa Santa has an elaborate little act for the children.
他会和他们交谈，发出爽朗的笑声，摇响铃铛，然后请他们说出自己最喜欢的圣诞颂歌。
He'll talk to them and give a hearty chuckle and ring his bells, and then he asked them to name their favorite Christmas carol.
他们大多数人都说《红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫》。
Most of them say Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
圣诞老人接着问他们是否愿意为他唱一遍。
Santa then asked if they'll sing it for him.
孩子们很害羞，不愿意大声唱歌。
The children are shy and don't wanna sing out loud.
于是圣诞老人说：‘哦，小精灵，小精灵，帮小布伦达唱出她最喜欢的圣诞颂歌吧。’
So Santa Santa says, oh, little elf, little elf, help young Brenda here sing that favorite carol of hers.
然后我就得站在那里唱《红鼻子驯鹿鲁道夫》，而我讨厌这首歌。
Then I have to stand there and sing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, which I hate.
下午晚些时候，一个孩子说她不知道自己最喜欢的圣诞颂歌是什么。
Late in the afternoon, a child said she didn't know what her favorite Christmas carol was.
圣诞老人建议唱《在马槽里》。
Santa Santa suggested away in a manger.
女孩同意了，但她不想唱，因为她不会唱词。
The girl agreed to it, but didn't wanna sing because she didn't know the words.
圣诞老人说：哦，小精灵，小精灵，来为我们唱《在马槽里》吧。
Santa Santa said, oh, little elf, little elf, come sing away in the manger for us.
我觉得让我一个人独唱不公平，于是告诉圣诞老人我不会唱词。
It didn't seem fair that I should have to solo, so I told Santa that I didn't know the words.
圣诞老人说：当然，你知道歌词的。
Santa Santa said, of course, you know the words.
来吧。
Come now.
唱吧。
Sing.
于是我用比莉·哈乐黛如果出过一张圣诞专辑可能会唱的方式唱了这首歌。
So I sang it the way Billie Holiday might have sang if she'd put out a Christmas album.
在马槽里。
Away in a manger.
没有熊的哭声。
No crier for a bear.
小主耶稣躺下，梳理着他甜美的头发。
The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet hair.
圣诞老人不让我唱完。
Santa Santa did not allow me to finish.
今晚，我被派去担任二号屋的拍照精灵。
This evening, was sent to be a photo elf in House Number 2.
相机藏在壁炉里，我通过按一根绳子末端的按钮来拍照。
The camera is hidden in the fireplace, and I take the picture by pressing a button on the end of a cord.
大多数精灵会举着一个毛绒玩具放在壁炉上方，说：看看我的小动物朋友，笑一笑。
Most elves will hold up a stuffed animal over their fireplace and say, look at my little animal friend and smile.
通常，父母会让孩子坐在圣诞老人腿上，然后开始整理发型。
Oftentimes, a parent will settle the child on Santa's lap and then start grooming.
我见过母亲从手提包里拿出发胶，像圣诞老人是水泥做的假道具一样，给孩子的头发喷发胶。
I've seen mothers pull cans of hairspray from their pocketbooks and spray the child's hair as if Santa were a false prop made out of cement.
发胶喷进了圣诞老人的眼睛，他痛苦地皱起了脸。
Hairspray shoots into Santa's eyes and he winces in pain.
一旦孩子开始哭，一切就都结束了。
Once the child starts crying, it's all over.
这些父母原本计划把这些照片当作贺卡寄出，或收藏起来，直到孩子长大后可以撒谎，声称自己记得这段经历。
The parents had planned to send these pictures as cards or store them away until the child is grown and can lie, claiming to remember the experience.
今晚我看到一位女士打了她哭泣的孩子，还摇晃她。
Tonight I saw a woman slap and shake her crying child.
她大喊：‘蕾切尔，坐到那位先生腿上，笑一笑，不然我让你哭得更厉害。’
She yelled Rachel, get on that man's lap and smile or I'll give you something to cry about.
然后她把蕾切尔放在圣诞老人腿上，我拍下了这张照片，按理说，这表明一切正如预期般美好，一切都洁白无瑕、温馨美好。
Then she sat Rachel on Santa's lap and I took the picture, which supposedly means, on paper, that everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, that everything is snowy and wonderful.
这根本不是关于孩子、圣诞老人、圣诞节或任何其他事物，而是父母们对自己无法实现的理想世界的执念。
It's not about the child or Santa or Christmas or anything, but the parents' idea of a world they cannot make work for them.
大卫·塞达里斯。
David Sedaris.
他的《圣安娜日记》收录在他的《桶中发热》和《假日冰霜》等书中。
His Santa Ana diaries are published in his books Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice.
他是许多优秀书籍的作者。
He is the author of many fine books.
他最新的作品是《快乐幸运》。
His latest one, Happy Go Lucky.
圣诞老人宝贝，
Santa baby,
弗洛伊德。
Freud.
不久之前，在纽约上东区，高档百货公司巴尼百货选择了一种奇特的圣诞装饰方式。
Well, not so long ago, on the Upper East Side Of New York City, the upscale department store at Barney's chose an odd tactic for its Christmas decorations.
也就是说，他们决定完全不提及圣诞节，这种反叛精神你得说声佩服。
Namely, they decided that they wouldn't refer to Christmas in any way at all, which is sort of you know, you gotta respect that kind of contrarian streak.
取而代之的是，百货公司每个橱窗都献给二十世纪的一位名人，陈列着纪念品、照片、视频显示器以及各种图像、色彩和灯光。
Instead, each of the department store windows was dedicated to different famous people of the twentieth century, filled with memorabilia and pictures and video monitors and all kinds of images and colors and lights.
这些橱窗的主题是什么？
The subjects of the windows?
弗兰克·辛纳屈、意象派诗人、二十世纪的金发美女、马丁·路德·金和西格蒙德·弗洛伊德。
Frank Sinatra, the bead poets, great blondes of the twentieth century, Martin Luther King, and Sigmund Freud.
这些橱窗中只有一个里面真的有活人，那就是弗洛伊德的橱窗。
Only one of these windows had actually a live human being in it, and that was the Freud window.
那个活人是一个三十岁左右、留着胡子的男人，大卫·拉科夫。
Human being was a thirty ish bearded man, David Rakoff.
我是圣诞潜意识的幽灵。
I am the ghost of Christmas subconscious.
我是反圣诞老人。
I am the anti Santa.
我是圣诞弗洛伊德。
I am Christmas Freud.
人们告诉我他们想要什么。
People tell me what they wish for.
我告诉他们，他们的愿望为何不健康或源于误解。
I tell them the ways their wishes are unhealthy or wished for in error.
我的扮演只是每周六和周日坐在椅子上，要么写作，要么阅读《纽约时报》或《梦的解析》，直到圣诞节为止。
My impersonation merely involves me sitting in a chair either writing or reading the times or the interpretation of dreams every Saturday and Sunday until Christmas.
我坐在一个模拟的书房里，面朝麦迪逊大道61街。
I sit in a mock study facing Madison Avenue at 61st Street.
我的书房里有标准的椅子和沙发。
My study has the requisite chair and couch.
此外，还配备了一条电动轨道，上面有一辆装着摄像机的婴儿车来回移动，一个幻灯机，一个大型旋转的黑白螺旋图案，两个悬挂的人体模型，以及大约十台播放弗洛伊德相关文字和图像的视频显示器。
It's also equipped with a motorized track on which a video camera wielding baby carriage travels back and forth, a slide projector, a large revolving black and white spiral, two hanging torsos, and about 10 video monitors that play Freud related text and images.
当我第一次坐进椅子时，突然被这种羞辱感吓到了，完全不知道该如何熬过这四个周末，坐在那里被人围观。
When I sit down in the chair for the first time, I'm suddenly horrified at the humiliation of this, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through four weekends sitting here on display.
这个角色给我带来了前所未有的表演难题。
And this role raises unprecedented performance questions for me.
首先，我是否应该装作完全不知道窗外有人？
For starters, should I act as though I had no idea there were people outside my window?
我选择用一种庄严的严肃来掩饰我的尴尬。
I opt for covering my embarrassment with a kind of Olympian humorlessness.
如果他们想要闪烁的光芒，那是圣诞老人的职责。
If they want twinkles, that's Santa's department.
我被两种恐惧所折磨。
I'm gnawed at by two fears.
第一，我担心自己被窗外金发女郎展示的琳达·伊万斯的假发抢了风头。
One, that I'm being upstaged by Linda Evans' wig in the blonde's window.
第二，一辆车可能会突然失控，猛冲进我的窗户，把我撞死。
And two, that a car will suddenly lose control, come barreling through my window, and kill me.
这无疑是个卑微的结局，为零售业献出了生命。
An ignoble end to be sure, a life given in the service of retail.
有时，毫无明显原因，整群人会集体决定不打破窗前六英尺的尊重距离。
Sometimes for no clear reason, entire crowds make the collective decision not to breach a respectful six foot distance from the window.
另一些时候，他们会挤在一起，试图从我身后读我写的东西。
Other times, they crowd in attempting to read what I'm writing over my shoulder.
我感谢上帝赐予我那潦草的字迹。
I thank god for my illegible handwriting.
至少有一半的人根本不知道我到底是谁。
Easily half the people have no idea who I'm supposed to be.
他们向我挥手，仿佛弗洛伊德是加菲猫。
They wave as if Freud was Garfield the cat.
其他人则拍起照片来。
Others snap photos.
那些挥手是那种微小、幼稚的手势，人们会对某种极其幼小或可爱毛茸茸的东西做出这样的动作。
The waves are the kind of tiny juvenile hand crunches one gives to something either impossibly young and tiny or adorably fluffy.
哦，看啊。
Oh, look.
是弗洛伊德。
It's Freud.
他难道不是你见过最可爱的东西吗？
Isn't he just the cutest thing you ever saw?
哦，我真想把他包起来带回家。
Oh, I just wanna bundle him up and take him home.
他们也更关心我是不是真的。
They're also the folks who are more concerned with whether or not I'm real.
我觉得这特别可笑，因为哪里会做出这么犹太长相的模特呢？
This I find particularly laughable since where on earth would they make mannequins that look so Jewish?
我的朋友大卫昨天来了，正在记录外面人们说的话。
My friend David came up yesterday and was writing down what people were saying outside.
他看起来确实像他，只是更年轻一些。
He really looks like him only younger.
嘿。
Hey.
那是个真的人。
That's a real guy.
他刚翻了一页。
He just turned the page.
他可以这么做吗？
Is he allowed to do that?
那是谁，希金斯教授？
Who is that, professor Higgins?
如果精神分析是十九世纪末世俗犹太教在后宗教世界中寻找精神意义的方式，而零售业是二十世纪末在后宗教世界中寻找精神意义的方式，那么我如今在商店橱窗里扮演精神分析之父来纪念一个宗教节日，这又意味着什么？
If psychoanalysis was late nineteenth century secular Judaism's way of finding spiritual meaning in a post religious world, and retail is the late twentieth century's way of finding spiritual meaning in a post religious world, What does it mean that I'm impersonating the father of psychoanalysis in a store window to commemorate a religious holiday?
在橱窗里，我幻想发起一场完整的‘圣诞弗洛伊德’运动。
In the window, I fantasize about starting an entire Christmas Freud movement.
圣诞弗洛伊德无处不在，为成人和儿童 alike 提供了最伟大的礼物——洞察力。
Christmas Freud's everywhere, providing grown ups and children alike with the greatest gift of all, insight.
在美国的百货商店里，人们离开橱窗旁的沙发时，带着鼻音和深意地低语：谢谢，圣诞弗洛伊德。
In department stores across America, people leave display window couches snifflingly and meaningfully whispering, thank you, Christmas Freud.
他们热情地与他握手，尽管节日的焦虑并未完全消散，至少变得更加清晰了。
Shaking his hand fervently, their holiday angst, if not dispelled, at least brought into starker relief.
圣诞弗洛伊德登上《雪茄鉴赏家》杂志封面。
Christmas Freud on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine.
《老友记》中的圣诞弗洛伊德。
Christmas Freud on Friends.
人们抱怨说，连感恩节都还没到，商店就已经开始投放广告，用圣诞弗洛伊德的脸提问：女人圣诞节想要什么？
People grumbling that here it is, not even Thanksgiving, and already stores are running ads with Christmas Freud's face asking the question, what do women want for Christmas?
如果这流行起来，所有商店都得参与竞争。
If it caught on, all the stores would have to compete.
伯格多夫·古德曼会迅速推出一个CG·荣格橱窗，近乎完美地模拟了一个熊洞；而耐克城的梅兰妮·克莱因橱窗前会排起六人深的长队；邻里团体则会抗议婴儿Gap店中B.F.斯金纳橱窗里的唾液和持续的铃声。
Bergdorf Goodman would leap into action with a CG Jung window, a near perfect simulation of a bear cave, while the Melanie Klein window at Niketown would have them lined up six deep, and neighborhood groups would object to the saliva and constant bell ringing in the Baby Gap's b f Skinner window.
此刻窗外有个极其英俊的男人正在写些什么。
There's an unspeakably handsome man outside the window right now writing something down.
我希望他写的是他的电话号码。
I hope it's his phone number.
我该如何以慈善的圣诞弗洛伊德方式，示意那位穿毛皮大衣的女士赶紧让开？
How do I indicate to the woman in the fur coat in benevolent Christmas Freud fashion, of course, to get the hell out of the way?
不过话说回来，一个人该如何在百货商店的橱窗里搭讪呢？
Then again, how does one cruise someone through a department store window?
我该不该把自己的电话号码贴在玻璃上？
Should I press my own phone number up against the glass?
就像动物园里一只北极熊举着写有‘救命’的牌子。
Like some polar bear in the zoo holding up a sign reading, help.
我被囚禁了。
I'm being held prisoner.
有一天，我来到商店，为一篇关于纽约节日橱窗的新闻报道拍照。
One day, I come up to the store for a photo op for a news story about the holiday windows of New York.
今天是我30岁的生日。
It is my 30 birthday.
我和一个叫萨莎的小女孩配对。
I'm paired with a little girl named Sasha.
她的生日也是今天。
It's her birthday as well.
她即将满10岁。
She is turning 10.
她容貌出众，即将出演霍华德·斯特恩的新电影。
She's strikingly beautiful and appears in the upcoming Howard Stern movie.
她将作为我的病人，供摄影师拍摄。
She's to be my patient for the photographers.
按照真正的精神分析方式，我让她躺下，背对着我。
In true psychoanalytic fashion, I make her lie down and face away from me.
我向她简单解释了弗洛伊德，并和她玩了一个词语联想游戏。
I explained to her a little bit about Freud, and we play a word association game.
我说：‘中心。’
I say, center.
她回答：‘注意力。’
She responds, of attention.
我问她对即将到来的十一岁人生有什么梦想和期望，希望再拍一部专题片，让我的角色在生命中继续延续。
I ask her her dreams and aspirations for this, the coming eleventh year of her life, to make another feature and to have my role on one life to live continue.
她每一句话都说得格外用心，露出两排牙齿微笑，宝石般的眼睛闪闪发亮。
She sells every word she says to me, smiling with both sets of teeth, her gem like eyes glittering.
她可能整段时间都在说‘脆脆’，但她非常迷人。
She might as well be saying crunchy the entire time, but she is charming.
我体验到了强烈的反移情。
I experience extreme countertransference.
我给她读了一点《梦的解析》。
I read a bit from the interpretation of dreams to her.
这很无聊吗？
Is this boring?
我问道。
I ask.
哦，不。
Oh, no.
这让人放松。
It's relaxing.
我今天早上五点就开始工作了。
I've been working since 05:00 this morning.
继续。
Keep going.
尽管她的眼睛闭着，她仍能感受到新闻摄像机的光打在她身上。
Even though her eyes are closed, she senses the light from the news cameras on her.
她像植物一样朝光蜷缩，以一种出人意料的非孩童方式紧紧抱着她的洋娃娃。
She curls towards it like a plant and clutches her dolly in a startlingly unchildlike manner.
窗户的玻璃几乎起雾了。
The glass of the window fairly fogs up.
我和萨莎的合影让我决定在我任职期间开始接诊病人。
My photo op with Sasha leads me to the decision to start seeing patients throughout my stint.
我实在没有勇气赤裸裸地坐在窗边无所事事。
I'm simply not man enough to sit exposed in a window doing nothing.
这太丢人了，也太无聊了。
It's too humiliating and too boring.
我的病人都是我认识的人。
My patients are all people I know.
也许正是因为沙发背对着街道和我，这些治疗才出人意料地亲密，但还不止于此。
Perhaps it's because the couch faces away from both the street and myself that the sessions are surprisingly intimate, but it's more than that.
这个窗户奇怪地非常温馨，更像一个儿童的藏身之处，而不是一个鱼缸。
The window is weirdly enough very cozy, more like a children's hideaway than a fishbowl.
患者一躺下就立刻放松了。
Patients seem to relax immediately upon lying down.
茶水开始时，他们笑着调侃这种做作，结束时却真的在沙发上哭泣。
Tea begins the session laughing at the artifice and ends it actually crying on the sofa.
圣诞时期的弗洛伊德早已准备好手帕，递给了他。
Christmas Freud is prepared and hands him a handkerchief.
杰ay患有近乎致残的肌腱炎，穿着巨大的加厚矫形靴子。
Jay has near crippling tendinitis and wears huge padded orthopedic boots.
围观的人以为这是一种时尚宣言。
The people watching think it's a fashion statement.
她穿着来自洛曼商店的连衣裙，但我依然为她治疗。
She wears a dress from Lowman's, but I treat her anyway.
天啊，一个记者，喜欢和孩子聊天并写关于他们的文章。
Gee, a journalist, likes to talk with children and write about them.
也许这就是为什么他的衬衫扣子扣得乱七八糟。
Perhaps that's why his shirt is irregularly buttoned.
我听说窗外一位女士曾大声质疑我是否真的是个治疗师。
I'm told that a woman outside the window wondered aloud if I was an actual therapist.
我想这个镇上一定有谁会为了这种方式而 jeopardize 自己的信誉。
I suppose there must be one in this town who would jeopardize his or her credibility in that way.
我已经把我们下一次的会面安排在巴尼家的窗边。
I've, scheduled our next session for the window at Barney's.
希望这样没问题。
I hope that's okay.
你看起来真的很抗拒。
You seem really resistant.
你想谈谈这个吗？
Do you wanna talk about that?
一位记者正在为《纽约时报》撰写一篇关于这些窗户的文章。
A journalist is doing a story on the windows for the Times.
他问我，这是否是梦想成真。
He asks me if this is a dream come true.
嗯，这确实是一个梦想。
Well, it is a dream.
我回答说，这是合乎逻辑的。
It's logical, I reply.
我的一个父母是精神科医生，另一个是百货商店的橱窗。
One of my parents is a psychiatrist and the other one is a department store window.
他没有笑我的笑话，但这句话有一半是真实的。
He doesn't laugh at my joke, it's half true.
我的一个父母是精神科医生。
One of my parents is a psychiatrist.
另一个是医学博士，同时也从事心理治疗。
The other is an MD who also does psychotherapy.
我自己已经接受了七年的心理治疗。
I've been in therapy myself for seven years.
看心理医生和当心理医生之间的区别，比我想象的要模糊得多。
The difference between seeing a shrink and being a shrink is not only less pronounced than I imagined it might be.
这种感觉令人陶醉。
It feels intoxicating.
当我七年的治疗师说，他有一个幻想，就是路过这个橱窗并由我来治疗他时，我想，当然，你会有这样的想法。
When my own therapist of seven years says, I have a fantasy of coming by the window and being treated by you, I think, of course, you do.
我终于感到无比胜利。
I feel finally and blissfully victorious.
我父亲告诉我一个梦，梦里我彻底分析并揭穿了他。
My father tells me a dream he had in which I've essentially analyzed and exposed him.
这是到目前为止，他唯一一次暗示他对我所做的一切——本质上是对他的职业的嘲讽——并非只是觉得好笑。
It's the only indication I've gotten from him so far that he's anything other than amused by what is basically a mockery of what he does.
在某种意义上，我不只是在模仿我的父亲和母亲，也在某种程度上模仿了他们的父亲，那个孕育了他们职业的人。
In a certain sense, I'm not just aping my father and my mother, but also in a way their father, the man who spawned their professional.
当我坐在那里，作为躺在沙发上的病人，嘴里叼着烟斗静静聆听时，感觉如此完美。
And when I sit there, a patient on my couch, pipe in my mouth listening, it feels so perfect.
像任何一个精神科医生的孩子一样，我从小耳濡目染，加上自己在沙发上的多年经历，懂得如何提出开放性问题，让沉默自然延续或不延续，并在四十五分钟后轻声说：‘我们的时间到了。’
Like any psychiatrist's kid, I know enough from growing up and from my own years on the couch to ask open ended questions, to let the silences play themselves out or not, to say gently, our time is up after forty five minutes.
这种伪装显得如此真实，仿佛多年推演后得出的必然结论。
The charade feels real, the conclusion of an equation years in the making.
就连这次闹剧的媒体报道也广泛而奇特。
Even the media coverage for this escapade is extensive and strange.
报纸和电视的人们向我提出关于节日、这一年此时的疏离感等深刻问题，仿佛我真的是弗洛伊德本人。
People from newspapers and television are asking me deep questions about the holiday, the nature of alienation at this time of year, things like that, as though I actually was Freud.
这令人不安，因为只需付出极少努力，我就会沉醉于这种权力之中。
It's disconcerting because with very little effort, I could be drunk with the power.
但它也揭示了这一切所具有的欧·亨利式《麦琪的礼物》般的特质。
But it also points out the o Henry gift of the Magi quality of it all.
媒体如此渴望摆脱他们每年必须重复的节日故事，以至于不得不转向这种异常事件。
The media is so desperate for any departure from the usual holiday stories they have to turn out.
他们蜂拥而至，但公众根本不想读任何关于节日的内容。
They come flocking, and yet the public doesn't really even wanna read about the holiday in the first place.
这就像试图把一顿根本没人想吃的饭做得更美味。
It's like trying to jazz up a meal nobody wants to eat anyway.
我接到商店的电话，说艾伦·金斯堡可能在周日出现在‘垮掉的一代’展区，如果他愿意，是否愿意和他谈谈？
I get a call from the store that Alan Ginsberg might be in the beats window on Sunday, and if he wants to, would I speak to him?
我对金斯堡先生没有影响力，但如果他有什么想聊的，我当然随时可用，我告诉他们。
I have no sway over mister Ginsberg, but if he has something he'd like to talk about, I'm certainly available, I tell them.
这并不完全属实。
Not entirely true.
我的日程排得满满的。
I'm pretty well booked.
整个艾伦·金斯堡的事情让我有点沮丧。
The whole Allen Ginsberg thing depresses me a bit.
不过，如果他能把它看作一场宇宙的玩笑，为什么我不能呢？
Then again, if he can see it as a cosmic joke, why can't I?
我感到愤慨，而且非常有领地意识。
I feel indignant and very territorial.
全是冒牌货。
Impostors only.
窗口里没有一个真正的。
No real ones in the window.
不过，这已经无关紧要了。
Anyway, it's moot.
他根本没有出现。
He doesn't show up.
外面有个街头集市，似乎吸引了一群更加吓人的观众。
There's a street fair outside that seems to have brought a decidedly scarier type of spectator.
他们就像嘉年华上的人群，而我则是长着狗脸的男孩。
They're like the crowd at a carnival, and I'm the dog faced boy.
一个成年女人冲我吐舌头。
A grown woman sticks her tongue out at me.
后来在一次咨询中，一位五十多岁的男子把鼻子贴在窗户上，弄脏了玻璃，把耳朵贴上去想听清，朝我大喊一些我听不见的话。
Later during a session, a man in his fifties presses his nose up against the window, getting grease on the glass, presses his ears up to hear, and screams things at me I cannot hear.
每次结束工作离开时，我都会挂上一块小玻璃标牌，上面写着：弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
When I leave after each stint, I put up a little glass sign that reads, Freud will be back soon.
这就像一种警告。
It's like a warning.
后现代版的基督即将来临。
The postmodern version of Christ is coming.
悔改吧。
Repent.
弗洛伊德
Freud
会
will
不管你喜不喜欢，弗洛伊德都会很快回来。
be back soon whether you like it or not.
弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
Freud will be back soon.
停止自欺欺人。
Stop deceiving yourselves.
在我长大的多伦多繁华市中心社区，有人在墙上喷漆写着‘毛泽东活着’，另一个人又加了句：‘在这里？’
In the affluent downtown neighborhood in Toronto in which I was raised, someone had spray painted on a wall, Mao lives, to which someone else had added, here?
我的窗户是中城的一片净土。
My window is a haven in Midtown.
我可以坐在那里，无视商店过道的拥挤，无视那浪费的时光和盲目又急切购买的礼物。
I can sit there unmindful of the crushing the aisles of the store, the hour badly spent over gifts thoughtlessly and desperately bought.
当我坐在那里时，我听到隔壁橱窗播放的歌曲，那些二十世纪金发女郎的歌曲。
As I sit there, I hear the songs that play for the display one window over the blondes of the twentieth century.
多丽丝·戴唱着《我曾有过一段秘密恋情》，梅·韦斯特唱着《我的旧爱》，玛琳·黛德丽唱着《再次坠入爱河》。
Doris Day singing once I had a secret love, Mae West singing my old flame, Marlene Dietrich singing falling in love again.
当我聆听时，我感觉她们唱的其实是在说我的窗户，说弗洛伊德。
As I listen, I feel that they're really referring to my window, to Freud.
每次这些歌曲在循环播放时，我都觉得它们因谈论隐秘之爱、情欲执念和痛苦隐藏的浪漫意图而令人几乎难以承受地动人。
Every time they come up on the repeating tape, I find them almost unbearably poignant with all their talk of clandestine love, erotic fixation, and painfully hidden romantic agenda.
但它们也可能只是在指这个时节——那种似乎渗透一切的深切悲伤与孤独。
But they might also just as easily be referring to this time of year with the aching sadness and loneliness that seems to imbue everything.
那个完美的对象、那旧日的恋人、那 elusive 的秘密之爱，究竟在哪里？
Where is that perfect object, that old flame, that secret love that eludes us?
无法寻得，无法购买。
Unfindable, unpurchasable.
弗洛伊德，这是我在圣诞节的最后一个周末，我开始在 anticipation 中感到空虚，因为不得不收起我的招牌。
This is my final weekend this Christmas, Freud, and I'm starting to feel bereft in anticipation of having to take down my shingle.
我起初是个被展出的猴子，如今却尴尬地夹在玩笑与极度严肃之间，有时这 persona 显得可笑，有时又让我感到褪色。
I started off as a monkey on display and have wound up uncomfortably caught between joking and deadly serious, a persona that seems laughable at times, faded for me at others.
我知道这终将过去，但此刻，我只希望继续坐在我的椅子上，有人坐在沙发上，然后真正关切地问他们。
I know this will pass, but for now, I want nothing more than to continue to sit in my chair, someone on the couch, and to ask them with real concern.
那么告诉我，一切都好吗？
So tell me, how's everything?
大卫·拉科夫。
David Rakoff.
常听节目的听众都知道，多年来他多次出现在我们的节目中。
Regular listeners know that he was on our show dozens of times over the years.
这是他为我们写的第一个作品。
This was the very first thing he ever wrote for us.
他于2012年去世。
He died in 2012.
这个故事的一个版本收录在他的著作《欺诈》中。
A version of the story is in his book Fraud.
他的最后一本书是一部押韵对句的小说，名为《爱、羞辱、婚姻、死亡、珍爱、消亡》，作者是大卫·拉科夫。
His last book, a novel in rhyming couplets, is called Love, Dishonor, Marry, Die, Cherish, Perish, a novel by David Ratkoff.
圣诞恐惧，圣诞恐惧，窗子里的圣诞恐惧，审问，审问，升华，升华。
Christmas Fright, Christmas Fright, it's Christmas Fright in the window, Interrogate, interrogate, sublimate, sublimate.
很快，圣诞城的街道将熙熙攘攘，满是神经质与恐惧。
Soon it will be Christmas City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, all neurosis and fear.
孩子们表现出来。
Children act out.
可食用的复合体，这个复合体。
The edible complex, the complex.
然后是你的梦。
Then there's your dream.
爸爸是个变装皇后。
Dad's a drag queen.
妈妈在开火车。
Mom is driving a train.
有些雪茄只是雪茄。
Some cigars are only cigars.
圣诞弗洛伊德。
Christmas Freud.
恐惧，圣诞圣诞
Fright, Christmas Christmas
圣诞节
Christmas
恐惧，圣诞恐惧。
fright, Christmas fright.
看窗子里的圣诞恐惧，窗子里。
See Christmas fright in the window, in the window.
闭上眼睛，闭上眼睛，分析，分析。
Close your eyes, close your eyes, analyze, analyze.
我担心我们的时间到了。
I'm afraid our time is now.
你
You
知道吗，我觉得我们还有时间再演一个节目。
know, think we have time for one more act.
简在哪里？
Where's Jan's at?
看看盒子上写的什么。
See what it says on the box there.
上面只写着
It just says
爸爸。
dad.
或者叫爹地。
Or daddy.
不。
No.
我是个好孩子。
I was a good boy.
爹地是个好孩子。
Daddy was a good boy.
他得到了它
He got It's
1966年。
1966.
约翰的家人录下了所有东西。
John's family taped everything.
他说，一直都在录。
All the time, he says.
包括他三岁时的这个圣诞节。
Including this Christmas when he was three.
哇，真厉害。
How wow.
李。
Lee.
你在里面干什么？
What are you doing in there?
看看巴尔基，快出来。
Look at Barky, get out of there.
看那个。
Look at that.
那不是旱冰鞋。
That's not roller skates.
看多漂亮。
Look at how nice.
那个怎么样？
How about that one?
你喜欢吗？
You like it?
约翰是芝加哥的电台主持人约翰·康纳斯。
John is John Connors, Chicago DJ.
他从自己庞大而奇特的唱片收藏中为《美国生活》提供了大量音乐。
He provides a lot of the music for this American life from his vast and strange record collection.
在他三岁的那个圣诞节，他得到了自己明确要求的礼物——一台可播放唱片的唱机。
And on this, the third Christmas of his life, he's given exactly the present that he asked for, a close and play record player.
他妹妹得到了一辆自行车。
His sister gets a bike.
约翰的母亲拿出相机，想拍下他与礼物的合影。
John's mother pulls out her camera to take a picture of him with his presence.
你喜欢它吗？
You like it?
约翰拍了他的第一张照片。
John went his first photograph.
好的，宝贝。
Okay, baby.
笑一笑，乖。
Smile, pretty.
天啊，灯泡都不亮。
Boy, not a bulb to work.
你有电池吗？
Do have any batteries
在里面吗？
in there?
我根本没装电池进去。
I just put no batteries in there.
搞什么鬼？
What the heck?
别对着它们吐口水。
Don't be spitting on them.
你会得败血症的。
You'll have blood poisoning you.
从那以后情况越来越糟。
It deteriorates from there.
我真讨厌这些相机。
Oh, I'm disgusted with these cameras.
我真该从圣诞老人那里要一个好一点的。
I should've got one nice one from Santa Claus.
我本来就应该买那个。
That's what I should've got.
就是这个吗？
This right here?
这才是圣诞节的真谛。
This is what Christmas is all about.
大家都摆好了姿势。
Everybody's posed.
大家都准备好了。
Everybody's ready.
每个人都强颜欢笑。
Everybody's straining to be happy.
这真是一场盛会。
It's a ball.
每个人心中都有一个完美的圣诞节画面。
Everybody has this picture in their heads of the perfect Christmas.
当然，它永远不会完美。
And, of course, it's never gonna be perfect.
它永远无法达到那个画面中的样子。
It's never gonna live up to that picture.
因此，失望已经深植于这一天的结构之中。
And so disappointment is built into the very structure of the day.
哦，
Oh,
走吧。
just leave.
所以最好的情况是
And so the best
你能在圣诞节
you can hope for on
指望的，而我说这话是个犹太人，我从未庆祝过这个节日，这让我成为一个外部观察者，一个公正的观察者。
Christmas and I say this is a Jew, somebody who has never celebrated the holiday, which makes me an outside observer, an impartial observer.
你能做的最好的事就是顺应这些不完美。
The best you can do is to ride the imperfections.
希望它们不会压倒所有人。
Hope they don't overtake everybody.
在这段1966年的录像中，约翰的父母花了大量时间试图阻止他在拿到新火车玩具的第一天就把它毁掉。
In this tape from 1966, John's parents spent a lot of time trying to keep him from destroying the new train set the very first day he gets it.
在中途。
Halfway down.
中途。
Halfway.
直接穿过这列火车。
Go right through this train.
成功了吗？
Did it work?
嗯。
Yeah.
如果这孩子愿意放过它，我就放过它一次。
If this kid will leave it, I'd blow it one.
三岁的约翰把火车开得飞快，总是会撞毁。
Three year old John runs the train so fast, it always crashes.
别开这么快，简。
Well, don't turn it so fast, Jan.
简，别乱碰那个。
Jan, don't monkey with that.
哦。
Oh.
你不能到那边去。
You can't over there.
一整天，完美的一天时隐时现。
All day long, the perfect day wavers in and out of focus.
有一段时间，它摇摇晃晃地走向灾难、破损的玩具、受伤的感情、失望，同时又回望幸福。
For a while, wobbling towards disaster, broken toys, hurt feelings, disappointment, and listening back towards happiness.
我们三岁的DJ把《温彻斯特大教堂》的45转唱片放进他的新唱机里，让火车开得飞快。
Our three year old DJ puts a 45 of Winchester Cathedral in his new record player and runs the trains as fast as he can.
今天制作了一个节目。
Well, a program is produced today
由我们广播节目的原班人马制作：彼得·克洛尼、伊丽丝·斯皮格尔、阿纳西·厄普代克和我。
by the original staff of our radio show, Peter Clowney, Elise Spiegel, Anansi Updike, and me.
安东尼·罗马花了无数个小时为今天重播的节目重新获得所有音乐的授权。
Anthony Roman has spent many, many hours relicensing all the music in today's rerun.
很多圣诞歌曲。
Lots of Christmas songs.
今天重播的制作由马特·蒂尔尼、斯托·尼尔森、苏珊娜·加伯和塞斯·林德负责。
Production up on today's rerun from Matt Tierney, Stoe Nelson, Suzanne Gabber, and Seth Lind.
圣诞弗洛伊德合唱由前身为家庭的比尔·奥莱利、凯特·奥莱利、科尔马·莱利和珍妮·马格努斯演唱。
Christmas Freud caroling was by the formerly known as family, Bill O'Reilly, Kate O'Reilly, Colma Riley, and Jenny Magnus.
嗨，大家好。
Hi there, guys.
《美国生活》由PRX公共广播交换平台提供给公共广播电台。
This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the public radio exchange.
今天，和往常一样，感谢我们节目的联合创始人托里·马拉蒂先生，他提醒您
Thanks today, as always, to our program's cofounder, mister Tori Malatia, who warns you
弗洛伊德很快就会回来。
Freud will be back soon.
别再欺骗自己了。
Stop deceiving yourselves.
我是伊拉·格拉斯。
I'm Ira Glass.
下周再见，带来更多《美国生活》的故事。
Back next week, with more stories of this American life.
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