撤退，第一集：亲爱的麦迪逊

本系列讨论自杀与心理健康话题。请听众注意自我关怀，如需帮助请寻求支持。2023年1月，我正坐在《金融时报》的办公桌前，一封邮件突然映入眼帘。标题立刻吸引了我的注意：'冥想邪教与心理健康'。

This series discusses suicide and mental health. Please take care while listening and seek support if you need it. In January 2023, I was sitting at my desk at the Financial Times when an email popped into my inbox. The subject line immediately caught my eye. It read, meditation cults and mental health.

我是麦迪逊·马瑞奇。一年多前，我接手了新角色，负责运营《金融时报》特别调查组。我们的目标是揭露任何领域——商业、教育、政治等——的权力滥用与制度缺陷。我们通常报道财经新闻，冥想邪教本不是我常涉及的题材。

My name is Madison Marriage. And over a year ago, I took on a new role running a special investigations unit for the Financial Times. Our goal is to expose abuse of power, institutional failings in any field, business, education, politics, you name it. Our publication normally covers financial journalism. So meditation cults are not the kind of thing I usually write about.

但来信者的语气让我不由正襟危坐。'亲爱的麦迪逊'，他这样开头。

But there was something about the author's tone that made me sit up and pay attention. Dear Madison, he started.

媒体对冥想的报道几乎清一色是正面宣传，但有确凿证据表明它可能导致严重心理健康问题——尤其是那些寻求灵性的年轻人。我关注此事是因为我的双胞胎女儿（现年20岁）过去五年因参与内观组织遭受了可怕伤害。她们正在康复但仍很脆弱。不过她们愿意分享经历。随时可聊。

Media coverage of meditation is almost universally positive, yet there's strong evidence that it can cause serious mental health issues, especially in the young people who are drawn to it in a search for some form of spirituality. My interest in this is due to the terrifying damage done to the lives of my twin daughters (now aged 20 over the last five years due to their involvement with the Vipassana organisation. They are now recovering but still fragile. Nonetheless, they would be prepared to share their stories. Happy to chat whenever.

我对冥想几乎一无所知，甚至从未听说过'内观'这个词。我自己不冥想，虽然认识一些冥想者——想必很多人都如此——但这远不足以让我成为专家。但史蒂文的邮件表述清晰。

I knew next to nothing about meditation and had never even heard the word Vipassana before. I don't meditate. I've known people who meditate, just as I'm sure many people have. But still, that would hardly qualify me as an expert. But Steven's email sounded articulate.

这封信感觉真诚。阅读时我为他的女儿们感到担忧。我认识许多经历心理健康挑战的人。抑郁、焦虑、成瘾在我的同龄人中并不罕见，很多人正尝试各种替代疗法来改善状态。

It felt genuine. I felt concerned for his daughters when I read it. I know lots of people who have experienced mental health challenges. Depression, anxiety, and addiction are not unusual among my peers. And many people I know are trying alternative methods to feel better.

尽管我不完全理解史蒂文父女的遭遇，但他们的指控似乎值得关注。于是我谨慎回复，要求更多信息，并开始调查他提到的组织——与'葛印卡'这个词有关。该团体专注于一种名为内观的特定冥想方式。

So even though I didn't understand exactly what Stephen and his daughters were going through, their claims seemed relevant. So I replied cautiously. I asked for more information. And then I began to research the organization Stephen referred to, something to do with the word, Gwenka. The focus of this group is a specific type of meditation called Vipassana.

它为全球参与者提供为期十日的静默冥想闭关。你会频繁听到这两个词交替出现：葛印卡与内观。葛印卡是建立这个闭关网络的创始人名字，堪称该网络的核心精神导师。而内观则是他所采用的冥想技巧。

It offers ten day silent meditation retreats to participants all over the world. You're going to hear those two words pretty interchangeably. Gwenka and Vipassana. Gwenka is the name of the man who founded this network of retreats, a kind of guru at the heart of the network. And Vipassana is the meditation technique he adopted.

在每次闭关中你都能听到葛印卡的声音。

You hear Gwenka's voice at every retreat.

此法将助你探究物质世界的终极真理。

This technique will help you to explore the truth of the entire field of matter.

葛印卡的方法要求你从头到脚反复系统地扫描身体，观察所觉察到的各种感受。

Goenka's method involves systematically scanning your body from your head to your feet over and over, observing the sensations you come across.

身体觉知至关重要。随着修持深入，其意义会愈发清晰。

Body sensation is so important. And as you proceed on the path, it will become clearer and clearer.

刚开始调研时，我就发现葛印卡闭关课程有多么受欢迎。

As soon as I started researching it, I saw how popular Gwenker retreats are.

我最近刚参加完内观冥想闭关回来，那是为期十天的内观课程。

So I just recently came back from the Vipassana meditation retreat. Ten day Vipassana course.

你在哪

Where you

不能说话或与任何人进行眼神交流。

can't speak or make eye contact with anyone.

推特创始人杰克·多尔西对格温克静修营赞不绝口。每年有成千上万的人参加。要从候补名单中获得一个席位，有点像抢购格拉斯顿伯里音乐节门票。人们热爱这些静修，并在网上狂热分享他们的体验。

Twitter founder Jack Dorsey raves about Gwenker retreats. Thousands of people go on them every year. Getting off the wait list for one of these retreats is a bit like getting Glastonbury tickets. People love them, and they're fanatical about their experiences online.

伙计们，关于这些内观课程的所有说法都是真的。我会向任何人推荐静修，哪怕只是为了看看自己究竟能承受多少。

Guys, it is all true what all these people say about these Vipassana courses. I would recommend a retreat to anyone, even if it's just to see what you're made of.

格温卡冥想中心遍布全球。从斯堪的纳维亚到拉丁美洲，中欧，再到东南亚的偏远角落。冥想界的人似乎都听说过它。它备受尊敬，甚至可能被推崇。据说格温卡的技术能实现'彻底消除心灵杂质，达到完全解脱的最高幸福'。

Gwenka Meditation Centers are everywhere. From Scandinavia to Latin America, Central Europe, to far flung corners of Southeast Asia. People within the meditation world all seem to have heard of it. It's respected, maybe even revered. Gwenka's technique supposedly allows for the, quote, total eradication of mental impurities and the highest happiness of full liberation.

当我在谷歌搜索结果中继续往下翻时，有几篇文章详细描述了在格温科静修营的个人经历。其中一些读起来像恐怖故事。Reddit上有大量讨论帖，人们详述身体疼痛和心理崩溃的经历。有人称这些静修像是自愿服刑，并指责负责的老师行为失当，近乎渎职。不久后，我开始与几天前收到的那封邮件的作者通信。

When I scrolled down a bit further on the results of my Google search, there were a handful of articles that detailed personal experiences at Gwenko retreats. Some of them read like horror stories. There's a rabbit hole of Reddit threads where people detail physical pain and psychological breaks. People refer to the retreats as being like a voluntary prison sentence and accuse the teachers running them as exhibiting irresponsible behavior bordering on malpractice. Before long, I was corresponding with the author of the email I had received a few days earlier.

他叫史蒂文。正是他最初敦促我调查这个组织。从一开始，他就毫不避讳地表达对格温科组织的看法。

His name is Steven. He's the one who urged me to look into this group in the first place. From the start, he was not shy about voicing his opinions on the Gwenko organization.

这个组织建立在一个错误的前提上，即深度冥想最终能帮助人们——也许对某些人确实有效。但它就像一种药效极强的药物，会带来副作用。

The organization is based on a false premise, which is that ultimately intensive meditation can help people, and maybe it does help some people. But it's like a very strong drug, and it has side effects.

斯蒂芬坚称他女儿加入的那个冥想团体很危险，值得我和当局深入调查。格温科组织在许多运营国家都注册为慈善机构，并获得了大量政府资助。他认为整个体系都该受到质疑。

Stephen was adamant that the meditation group his daughters had become involved with was dangerous, that it warranted scrutiny from me and from the authorities. The Gwenko organization is registered as a charity in many of the countries it operates in, and it's pulled in substantial government grants. He felt the whole setup should be questioned.

因为我们不了解人类心智，像这样的人正在向脆弱的年轻人——包括我的女儿们——兜售在我看来等同于江湖骗术的疗法。

Because we don't understand the human mind, people like this are are selling what in my mind amounts to quack cures to vulnerable young people, including my daughters.

坦白说，起初我持怀疑态度。史蒂文说他那对双胞胎女儿变得形销骨立、脆弱不堪，正处于康复期。我一直在想：究竟要从什么状态中康复？一个承诺精神极乐的冥想组织，怎会造成史蒂文所说的'骇人伤害'？他说得对吗？

Frankly, initially, I was skeptical. Steven said his twin daughters had become a shell of the people they once were, that they were fragile, that they were in recovery. I kept thinking, recovery from what exactly? How could a meditation organization that promises spiritual bliss end up causing such, in Steven's words, terrifying damage? Was he right?

这个组织是否具有邪教特征？这是我为期十二个月调查之旅的起点，试图理解这个宣扬自我提升与灵性觉醒、却据称造成真实身心伤害的组织世界。这是我记者生涯中前所未遇的旅程。这里是《金融时报》特别调查组，您正在收听《静修所》。

Did this organization bear any resemblance to a cult? This was the starting point on a twelve month journey, attempting to understand the world of one organization, a world that advertises self improvement and spiritual awakenings, and allegedly, has caused real psychological and physical harm. It's a journey unlike any other story I've worked on before. From the special investigations team at the Financial Times, this is The Retreat.

《静修所》。静修所。

The Retreat. Retreat.

我当时陷入了我认为的精神崩溃状态。

The I went into what I would consider a psychotic break.

那感觉就像我的心灵在酷刑室里度过了六天

It was like being in a torture chamber for my mind for The six

静修。

retreat.

这次静修。

The retreat.

最终目的是净化心灵。

The final goal is to purify the mind.

第一集，亲爱的麦迪逊。斯蒂芬告诉我他的双胞胎女儿在接触古恩卡静修后出现了严重的心理健康问题。但我始终不明白原因和过程。于是我从伦敦市中心的帕丁顿车站乘火车出发去见这家人。

Episode one, dear Madison. Stephen told me his twin daughters had experienced serious mental health episodes after getting drawn into Guenca retreats. But I struggled to understand why and how. So I set off on the train from Paddington in Central London to meet the family.

那对

The

双胞胎出于多种原因不愿透露真实姓名。所以我们使用化名莎拉和艾米丽。艾米丽是双胞胎中第一个接触古恩卡的人。我见到她时，她正和男友以及一位五十多岁的女性同住，那位女士是附近教堂的牧师。艾米丽告诉我，牧师在了解到她的困境后同意收留这对情侣。

twins don't want to be named for many reasons. So we're using pseudonyms, Sarah and Emily. Emily was the first of the twin sisters to discover Guenka. When I met her, she was lodging with her boyfriend and a woman in her fifties, who was a vicar at a nearby church. Emily told me the vicar had agreed to take the couple in after learning about her difficulties.

她曾尝试与同龄人合租，但发现与其他20多岁的年轻人共处一室太过喧闹。她说自己的神经系统如今变得不同，异常敏感。

She tried to live with roommates her own age, but she found it too difficult living in a lively house share with other 20. Her nervous system was different now, she said, and extremely sensitive.

但现在我必须很小心。比如不能出去参加派对。如果我开始过度消耗自己，立刻就会感到不适，然后就像所有东西都被烧焦了一样，我不得不停下来，去花园里待上几天才能恢复。就像我必须放慢节奏生活。

But I have to be careful now. Like, can't go out partying. If I start to push myself too hard, I'll feel it immediately and then I have to I just like everything gets fried and I just have to stop and I have to like go and garden for a couple of days just to like feel okay again. It's like I have to go very easy.

艾米丽身材高挑纤细，眼神友善温和，带着书卷气。她性格外向开朗，看起来怡然自得，给人温暖慷慨的感觉。那么请简单说说你的童年吧。

Emily is tall and slim with kind friendly eyes and a bookish look about her. She's outgoing and gregarious and seems at ease with herself. She comes across as warm and generous. So just tell me a little bit about your childhood.

你知道，我很幸运在成长过程中享有优渥的物质条件。上过很好的学校，有很多接触音乐的机会。

You know, I was very lucky to grow up and had a lot of material comfort. And I went to really good schools and had lots of opportunities with lots of music.

我想了解这个家庭是否存在某些潜在问题，导致了双胞胎的心理崩溃。他们是否有可追溯的病症？或是可能使其特别容易产生严重心理问题的过往创伤？

I wanted to know whether there were any underlying issues in the family that led to the twins' spiral. Did they have any conditions they could point to? Or past trauma that might make them particularly susceptible to severe mental health problems?

是的，我确实觉得青少年时期相当艰难。有时很快乐，有时又感到孤独和被排斥。

Yeah, I like definitely found teenage years pretty rough. Like I was happy sometimes and sometimes I felt lonely and excluded.

但艾米丽说他们家的成长环境总体是幸福的。除了兄弟姐妹间常见的小争执或偶尔与父母的矛盾外，并没有严重问题。事实上，用艾米丽的话说，他们的生活带着某种田园诗般的特质。他们来自音乐世家，母亲是音乐教师兼钢琴家。

But Emily said their house was overall a happy one growing up. That outside of the usual squabbling between the siblings or the occasional fallouts with their parents, they didn't have significant problems. In fact, there was kind of an idyllic quality to their lives, as Emily tells us. They come from a very musical family. Their mom is a music teacher and pianist.

他们的父亲史蒂文从事金融工作，但在家里他也颇具音乐天赋。50岁那年他开始学习小号，还会唱歌。

Their dad, Steven, works in finance. But at home, he's also quite musical. He started playing the trumpet when he turned 50, and he sings.

我们经常出去散步。以前总是去上大提琴课。我们有大提琴课。我们过去常常一起演奏，而且我们总能在漂亮的花园里玩耍。

We go out walking a lot. We would always go to cello classes. We have cello classes. We used to play and like, we always had nice gardens, we'd always kind of play.

这对双胞胎和她们的哥哥在四岁时每人得到了一把大提琴。成长过程中，周末时光都是在家庭四重奏、合唱、乡村漫步和烹饪中度过的。

The twins and their brother were each given a cello at the age of four. And weekends growing up, they spent their time playing in quartets as a family, singing together, going for walks in the countryside, cooking.

我们会一起吃晚餐。爸爸总会做周日烤肉大餐。父母感情一直很好，而且非常关心我们。

We'd have dinner together. Dad would always cook a Sunday dinner roast. Mom and dad were always really, like, strong together and definitely cared about us a lot.

到2014年，艾米丽的未来看起来一片光明。她在学校一直是全优生，但也很会享受生活。周六打工，周末参加派对，为感情生活烦恼，和朋友一起度假。

By the 2014, Emily's future was looking bright. She'd been a straight A student in school, but she still had fun. She worked a job on Saturdays and went to parties on the weekend, fretted about her love life, and went on holidays with friends.

我算是工作拼命玩也拼命的那种人。可以狂欢到凌晨四点，然后起床做周末兼职，接着回学校准备高考，但我觉得这样很有意思。我挺享受这种状态的。

Like, I was pretty work hard, play hard. Like, I'll go out partying until 04:00 in the morning and then get up and do my weekend job and then go back to school and do my a levels and like but it was fun. Like, I I kind of thrived off that, I think.

18岁时，艾米丽获得了牛津大学法语和西班牙语的入学资格。她对人生新篇章充满期待。但到了牛津后，她发现这里比想象中艰难得多。

When she was 18, Emily got a place to study French and Spanish at Oxford University. She was really excited for this chapter of her life to begin. But when she got to Oxford, she found it tough. Tougher than she'd expected.

当别人游刃有余时，我却真的苦苦挣扎。我感觉连喘息的余地都没有，你知道，那种压力简直让人窒息。

I just really struggled through it when other people didn't. I felt like I didn't have time to kind of breathe and, you know, I felt like it was just too much.

艾米莉决定休学一年，只为让自己喘口气。她可以在次年重返牛津大学，期间计划去旅行。就在启程前，有位朋友送了她一本关于正念的书。这是她第一次接触'内观'这个词，书中描述的冥想原则令她心驰神往。

Emily decided to take a year out of her studies just to catch her breath. She could go back to Oxford the following year, and in the meantime, she'd travel. Just before she set off, a friend gave her a book on mindfulness. This book was the first time she had come across the word Vipassana. She found the meditation principles in it exciting.

我记得读的时候就在想：这就是我一直在寻找的东西。因为它讲的全是关于在内心找到平静，摆脱心理困境。整个理念都让我深深着迷。

I remember reading it being like, this is what I've been looking for. Because this is like all about finding peace inside and like coming out of mental complexes. Like, I was just really like fascinated by the whole thing.

艾米莉与一群陌生人背包旅行时，深入了解了冥想和一种特殊禅修——由灵性导师萨提亚·纳拉亚纳·葛印卡在1970年代创立的十日禁语禅修课程。这位缅甸商人三十多岁时为缓解剧烈偏头痛开始冥想，后来彻底投身修行，甚至放弃事业移居印度专职教授冥想。

As Emily backpacked with a group of strangers, she learned more about meditation and a particular retreat. A special ten day silent meditation program founded by the spiritual leader Satya Narayana Gwenka in the 1970s. Gwenka was a businessman from Burma who got into meditation in his thirties to help with intense migraines. He really took to the practice, to the point where he gave up his business to move to India and teach meditation full time.

人们可以信仰这个神或那个神，这种哲学或那种哲学。不必纠结，但别忘了本质。

Let people believe in this God or that God or this philosophy or that philosophy. Don't worry, But don't forget the essence.

随着时间的推移，他开始向全球各地传授这种方法，最终建立了超过240所内观中心的全球网络，形成了一套严苛而独特的修行体系。

Over time, he began teaching this method to individuals all over the world. He went on to establish a global network of over two forty Vipassana centers, and an intense and rigid method of his own.

十天看似漫长——'十天？我怎么可能抽出十天？'但当你真正经历后会发现，那竟是我生命中最美好的时光。

Ten days people have to spare, which looks too much. Oh, ten days. How can I give ten days? But once you pass through it, you find these were the best days of my life.

这个组织最不寻常的一点在于所有课程完全免费。这推动了它们的普及，整个葛印卡网络都依靠捐赠和志愿者运作。葛印卡于2013年离世，但他的声音录音至今仍在全球内观禅修大厅回响。他那套严格的冥想体系——从凌晨4点开始到晚上9点半结束的时间表，在该组织运营的每个国家都保持完全一致。堪称硬核。

One of the most unusual things about this organization is that all of these courses are completely free. This helps drive their popularity, and the whole Gwenka network depends on donations and volunteer work. Gwenka passed away in 2013, but recordings of his voice still boom across Vipassana meditation halls around the world today. And his meditation system, a rigid timetable that starts at 4AM and finishes at 09:30PM, remains identical in every country his organization operates in. It's hardcore.

有人称之为冥想界的海军陆战队。艾米丽在印度旅行时确实报名了葛印卡禅修课程。但了解到课程结构相当严苛后，她打了退堂鼓。

Some people call it the marines of meditation. Emily actually signed up to a Gwenko retreat while she was traveling in India. But she had second thoughts after realising the course structure sounded pretty intense.

我当时就想，不行，听起来有点太激烈了。等以后再说吧。于是我去尝试其他事情找乐子，到处旅行还邂逅了一段旅途恋情，就这么把牛津和那些压力抛诸脑后了。

I was like, no, that sounds a bit full on. I'll do that later on in life. So I went into other stuff and just have fun. I just travelled loads and had a traveling romance and, you know, just, like, forgot about Oxford and how stressful it was.

但艾米丽在旅途中确实学到了很多冥想知识。2016年初回到牛津后，她开始时不时冥想。那年夏天，她在赫里福德郡父母家附近的一个中心报名参加了首次葛印卡禅修。这次她觉得自己准备好了，想要继续自我提升，寻找应对压力的方法。

But Emily did learn a lot about meditating while she was traveling. And she started to meditate from time to time after she returned to Oxford in early twenty sixteen. That summer, Emily signed up to her first Gwenker retreat at a center close to her parents' home in Herefordshire. This time, she felt ready. She wanted to continue to better herself, to keep finding ways to cope with stress.

我完全没想过这可能存在风险。压根没往那方面想。

I did not think that it might be risky. Absolutely no thought of that at all.

赫里福德郡的禅修中心名为'法深'，坐落在一栋偏僻的旧农舍里。环境宁静但与世隔绝。

The retreat center in Herefordshire is called Dharma Deepa, and it's in an old remote farmhouse. The setting was tranquil, but isolated.

法深禅修中心非常迷人，特别漂亮。我和另一位女士合住在一间简朴的老农舍里。刚到那儿时我就有种感觉——哇，多么美好宜人的环境啊。我总觉得禅修意味着安全、滋养、美食和充足睡眠，能有时间好好调养身心。

Dharma Deep is very lovely, very pretty. And I stayed in like an old farmhouse in a shared room with one other lady, which was very simple. I had that sense when I arrived, like, oh, this is such a nice, lovely, you know, lovely environment. I felt like I associated meditation retreats with safety and nourishment and good food and lots of sleep. I got some time to feel well.

但这确实不是那种体验。

But it just wasn't really that experience.

艾米丽很快意识到，这次静修的强度与她以往经历过的任何活动都不同。第一天，她就收到了警告。

Emily soon realised that the intensity of this retreat was unlike anything she had ever experienced. On the first day, she was given a warning.

第一晚他们告诉你，你应该完全臣服于整个过程。他们说这就像给你的心灵做手术，让它恢复健康。

In the first night, they kind of tell you, you should surrender to the whole process. They say it's like an operation for your mind to make your mind healthy.

他们告诉她，这就像一场医疗手术。而且过程中绝对不能离开。

It's like a medical procedure, they told her. And you mustn't leave in the middle of it.

因为如果你中途离开会很危险。就像手术进行到一半时离开，那时你已经被切开了。

Because if you leave in the middle of it, it's dangerous. It's like leaving during an operation, which is in the process of happening when you're cut open.

接下来的十天里，从凌晨4点开始，她必须保持沉默，进行严酷的冥想训练。她感觉每天都在不停地冥想，身体都感到疼痛。

Over the next ten days, silence would be mandatory as she embarked on a grueling meditation regime starting at 4AM. She had to meditate what felt like all day, every day, and it physically hurt.

刚开始还好，因为我习惯做些冥想。我觉得那能让人平静。但后来就变成了不得不继续坚持。我当时想，天啊，这太难了。

And so it'd be fine for a bit because I was used to doing a bit of meditation. I found that calming. But then it was like just having to carry on. I was like, oh my god, this is so hard.

艾米莉不确定自己是否应该感到如此不适。她一度想要离开。但静修期间的教导鼓励她继续坚持下去。于是她照做了。

Emily wasn't sure if she was supposed to be feeling so unpleasant. She wanted to leave at one point. But the teachings during the retreat encouraged her to keep going. So she did.

教义中说，你的心灵充满杂质，就像你已成为所有杂质的奴隶。所以现在你需要学会控制自己的思想。有种感觉像是：我应该这样做，我必须这样做，如果我做不到就是个坏人。

They say in the teachings, your mind is full of impurities and, like, you've become a slave to all your impurities. So now you need to learn to control your mind. There was a kind sense of like, I should do this, I must do this, I'm a bad person if I can't do it.

艾米莉坚持完成了十天每天十小时的冥想，期间保持沉默且不与外界交流。对她来说最困难的是开始无法入睡。

Emily stayed through 10 of meditating for ten hours a day, in silence and with no communication with the outside world. The hardest thing for her was that she stopped being able to sleep.

我完全睡不着。从第一天开始？是的，从第一天起就睡不着。

I couldn't sleep at all. From day one? Yeah, from day one.

艾米莉表示在这次静修之前，除了一两次大考前辗转难眠外，她从未有过睡眠问题。

Emily says that she never had sleep issues before this retreat, aside from a couple of restless nights ahead of a big exam.

我只是认为这是我的错，是因为我的思想才导致我无法入睡。

I just thought it was my fault and it was because of my mind that I wasn't able to sleep.

静修的某些方面是积极甚至令人兴奋的。艾米莉开始体验到近乎超然的感受。

Some aspects of the retreat were positive, exciting even. Emily began to have almost transcendental experiences.

确实会有一些感觉特别美妙的时刻，仿佛这就是我一直在追寻的。比如感受到与万物的联结，体验到一种超脱日常的精神状态。在某些时刻，确实会涌现大量血清素带来的强烈快感。

There'll be moments which felt really good and felt like this is what I'd been looking for. Like feeling a sense of connection to everything and like experiencing state of mind that was like very above the everyday. Like Massive rushes of serotonin would definitely happen at certain points.

第十天，冥想者们终于可以互相交流并比较体验。许多人似乎达到了某种更高境界。理论上，如果正确运用技巧，你应该能感受到体内和谐的流动。但艾米丽还没达到那种状态。她内心那个追求完美的自己觉得未能达标。

On the tenth day, the meditators could finally talk to each other and compare experiences. Many seem to have reached some kind of higher plane. Supposedly, if you've applied the technique correctly, you are meant to feel a harmonious flow through your body. But Emily hadn't quite gotten there. The overachiever in her felt like she'd missed the mark.

我只觉得自己失败了。感觉要么没做对，要么错过了某些体验。大家都在谈论这个会发生那个会出现，而我却连最基本的都做不到——甚至无法像大家说的那样感受到自己完整的身体。

I just felt like I failed. I felt like I hadn't got it right or I hadn't was there something that I hadn't experienced or like everyone was talking about like this will happen, that will happen. I was like I can't even do it. I can't even I can't even feel my body as a whole as everyone's saying that I should do.

她心想或许自己确实不擅长这个。也许需要更努力才行。

She thought maybe she just wasn't that good at this. Maybe she needed to work harder.

所以我当时想，好吧，我得回来再试一次。这就是我的感受，因为我觉得自己彻底失败了。感觉整个人都被剖开了。

So I felt like, okay, I need to come back, try again. That was how I felt because I felt like I just failed. I felt pretty cut open.

广告后继续。艾米丽离开静修营时有些沮丧，但决心很快再参加一次葛印卡课程并做到正确。她也带着些许兴奋感——静修期间那些超验时刻的余韵，在她出国留学时帮助她保持平静。除了失眠问题，她觉得这次经历还是有好处的。

More after the break. Emily left the retreat feeling a little downcast, but determined to do another Guenca retreat soon and get it right. She also had a slight buzz. The trippier moments during the retreat carried over and helped her feel calm as she headed off to study overseas. The sleeplessness aside, she felt it had done her some good.

在国外期间，艾米丽发现自己有空闲时间。于是她报名成为葛印卡静修营的志愿者。尽管只参加过一期课程，她仍被认为具备志愿者资格。这些志愿者被称为'服务者'，虽是无偿职位，但食宿免费。每天只需冥想约四小时，其余时间在场地帮忙准备餐食、打扫厕所、整理床铺，并与其他服务者交流。

While she was abroad, Emily found herself with time on her hands. So she signed up to work as a volunteer at a Gwenko retreat. Even though she had only been through a single retreat, she was deemed qualified to work as a volunteer. Volunteers at the retreats are called servers, an unpaid position, but your board and lodging is free. You do less meditation, around four hours a day, and otherwise help out around the venue, preparing meals, cleaning toilets, making beds, and socializing with the other servers.

艾米丽在第一次静修时的服务经历还算可以。但后来她又报名参加了第二次静修的服务工作。而那次静修完全不同。可怕地不同。

Emily's serving experience during the first retreat was okay. But then she signed up to be a server for a second retreat. And that retreat was different. Horribly different.

这真的开始让我崩溃。所以我开始失眠，对事物会有强烈的情绪反应，非常大的情绪波动。然后还会做清醒梦。我就像一条在海洋中游动的鱼，做着近乎幻觉般的梦，这些我以前从未经历过。但整个氛围都在说，哦，这是好事。

It really started to fuck me up. So I stopped sleeping, I'd have major emotional, like big, big emotional reactions to things. And then I would have like lucid dreams. I was like a fish swimming through the ocean and like almost hallucinatory dreams and stuff like that, which I never had before. But the whole narrative there was like, oh, it's good.

你知道，这就是我们来这里的目的。我们来这里是为了，把所有的东西都释放出来。所以如果你感到焦虑、不安、痛苦或任何情绪，你知道，这都是过程的一部分。

You know, that's what we're here for. We're here to, like, get all of our stuff out of us. So if you're feeling anxious or upset or anguished or whatever, you know, it's part of the process.

艾米丽告诉我，她志愿参加的静修对她的心智做了些什么，一些她无法逆转的事情。这引发了一系列事件，彻底颠覆了她接下来的五年生活。接下来的几个月对她来说很艰难。她本应在国外学习，但她无法集中注意力或理性思考。她搬了好几次家。

Emily told me the retreat she volunteered at did something to her mind, something she could not reverse. It set in process a chain of events that completely overturned the next five years of her life. Her next few months were tough. She was supposed to be studying abroad, but she couldn't focus or think rationally. She moved several times.

最终，她放弃了大学课程，开始搭便车旅行，对个人安全风险毫不在意。她每天冥想几个小时。这是瓜恩卡在静修后建议艾米丽应该做的。坚持这个计划。继续冥想。

Eventually, she dropped the university course and started hitchhiking on her travels, oblivious to any personal safety risks. She was meditating for several hours a day. This is what the Guenca recommended Emily should do after the retreats. Keep up the program. Keep meditating.

艾米丽认真地遵循了这些建议。有时她闭着眼睛坐在路边，一边等车一边冥想。其他时候，她坐在陌生人的车后座冥想。

Emily followed the recommendations diligently. Sometimes she sat with her eyes closed on the side of the road, meditating while waiting for a ride. Other times, she meditated while sitting in the back of a stranger's car.

我的大脑像是要散架了，我睡不着觉，也不知道到底发生了什么。我的意识状态一直处于一种虚假的亢奋状态，就像一直在轻微地迷幻着。

My brain was like falling apart and I wasn't sleeping and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I was kind of like slightly tripping the whole time in that my state of consciousness was very like being falsely elevated.

她终于在2017年年中回到了英国。整个人都垮了。

She finally returned to The UK in mid-twenty seventeen. A total wreck.

她回来时，明显状态非常糟糕。她睡不着觉。

When she came back, was clearly very unwell. She wasn't sleeping.

这是艾米丽的母亲凯特，描述女儿刚回家时的情形。

This is Emily's mum, Kate, describing her daughter when she first returned home.

她骨瘦如柴，面色惨白。我很害怕。试图让她去看医生，但她不肯。她看起来几乎像个老妇人，你知道，脸颊完全失去了血色。整个人灰暗无光，完全不像她自己。

She was stick thin and she looked ashen. I was frightened. Tried to get her to see the doctor and she wouldn't. She just looked almost like an old woman, you know, she'd lost all the bloom in her cheeks. She just looked grey and not herself.

她看起来就像一具皮包骨。

She just looked like a bag of bones.

在见过艾米丽不久后，我去赫里福德郡拜访了她的父母——给我发邮件的史蒂文和母亲凯特。凯特是位可爱的女士，她到火车站接我，开车带我去了他们能俯瞰羊群的农舍。这就是艾米丽留学归来时回到的房子。凯特和史蒂文告诉我她的归来多么令人震惊。

I went to meet Emily's mum, Kate, and her dad, Steven, the one who sent me the email, at their home in Herefordshire, not long after I met Emily. Kate's a lovely lady. She came to pick me up from the train station and drove me to their farmhouse, which overlooks a field of sheep. This is the house Emily returned to from her studies abroad. Kate and Stephen told me how shocking her return was.

这是艾米丽的父亲史蒂文。

This is Stephen, Emily's dad.

她看起来并不难过，而是给人一种心不在焉的感觉。显然，从表面上看她人在那里，也能说话，但就像她的个性被抽离了一样。

She didn't seem unhappy. She came across as not there. And obviously, on one level, she was there physically, and she could talk, but it was as if her personality had been removed.

艾米丽说她回来后，每天都感觉糟透了。

Emily says when she returned, she felt awful all the time, every day.

所以我感到极度痛苦。我仍然像是处于恍惚状态，感觉就像自己被劈成了两半。

So I felt absolutely dreadful. I was still kind of like, tripping. I felt like I'd just been split in half.

她不知道自已出了什么问题。于是她报名参加了另一个静修营——这是唯一能让她从那种被她描述为日复一日的煎熬中获得些许解脱的方式。此时她的父母支持她继续参加静修并在家冥想。斯蒂芬认为冥想或许能缓解女儿表现出的失眠和疏离症状。

She didn't know what was wrong with her. So she signed up to do another retreat. The only thing that seemed to provide her with any relief from what she describes as a dreadful day to day experience. Her parents, at this point, were supportive of her going on the retreats and meditating at home. Stephen thought that meditation was perhaps a remedy for the insomnia and detachment his daughter was displaying.

他以为我只是精神出了问题，而冥想会有所帮助——这也是我当时的自我认知。

He thought that I was just mentally ill and the meditation would help, which was my general narrative as well.

但艾米丽表示，在开始冥想之前她没有任何心理健康问题。2017年秋，距离她第一次参加昆卡静修营一年多后，艾米丽回到牛津开始本应是最后一学年的学业。但那段日子如同地狱——她对噪音异常敏感，对食物感到恶心，还遭受着严重失眠和易怒的折磨。

But Emily says she didn't have any mental health issues before she started meditating. In autumn twenty seventeen, a little over a year since her first Quenka retreat, Emily returned to Oxford to start what should have been her final academic year. But it was hell. She became hypersensitive to noise, sickened by food, and suffered from extreme sleeplessness and irritability.

任何感官输入都像酷刑。就像日夜不停地遭受折磨。我感觉自己甚至不再存在，仿佛只剩一具空壳。

Any sensory input would be like torturous. It was like being tortured every day and every night non stop. I felt like I didn't even exist anymore. Felt like there was just no one. It was like an empty body.

不知怎地，她熬过了那个学期。但当她圣诞节回家时，似乎已陷入精神错乱的状态。

Somehow she got through the academic term. But by the time she came home for Christmas, she seemed to have entered a psychotic state.

她不像个正常人。像个幽灵般面无表情，一言不发。除了坐在房间里冥想，就是不分昼夜地在田野间游荡，脸色阴沉如雷云。

She wasn't like a normal human being. She was like a ghost. She was expressionless. She had nothing to say. She did nothing except sit in her room and meditate or go out wandering around the fields at any time of day or night, face like a thundercloud.

然后还会突然发作躁狂症。

And then there were bouts of mania.

有时她会来和我说话，眼神怪异，带着朦胧恍惚的凝视。我记得她对我说：妈妈，我是弥赛亚，我要拯救世界。她说：我正在经历灵魂的暗夜。我问：那是什么？

Sometimes she would come and talk to me, and there'd be a strange look in her eyes, a kind of mistiness and a kind of faraway look in her eyes. I remember saying to me, mom, I am the messiah. I'm going to save the world. She said, I'm going through the dark night of the soul. And I said, what's that?

她反问：你难道不知道灵魂的暗夜吗？每个人都会经历这个。但我是弥赛亚，我要拯救世界。

And she said, don't you know what the dark night of the soul is? Everyone goes through this. But I'm the Messiah, and I'm going to save the world.

在观察艾米丽情况日益恶化的几周后，她开始翻阅艾米丽的日记，发现了一些关于轻生念头的记录。

After several weeks of watching Emily get worse and worse, she started looking through Emily's diaries. That's where she found some things Emily wrote about taking her own life.

我在她的日记里发现了关于考虑自杀的内容。

I found her journal where she talks about contemplating suicide.

她在这段时间里一直没有看医生吗？

And she didn't see a doctor throughout this period?

没有，她不愿意去。她已经是成年人了，我也不能强迫她。

No, she she wouldn't. And she was an adult, and I couldn't make her.

对凯特而言，女儿的变化让她难以接受。艾米丽从世界顶尖大学的优等生变得性格外向，到后来辍学并与社会隔绝。自从十八个月前第一次参加昆卡闭关后，她几乎变得让人认不出来了。凯特知道必须采取行动。此时她开始怀疑冥想可能不是在帮助女儿，反而在伤害她。

For Kate, the change in her daughter was difficult to reconcile. Emily had gone from being an outgoing grade a student at one of the best universities in the world to dropping out of university and withdrawing from society. She had become practically unrecognizable since her first Cuenca retreat eighteen months earlier. Kate knew she had to take action. By now, she suspected that the meditation might be doing her daughter harm rather than helping.

于是她开始在互联网上搜寻关于格温科组织和内观冥想的信息。她了解到世界各地都有举办十日闭关的中心，这些闭关全都基于同一个人的教义。最终，她发现博客文章暗示整个格温科网络就像一个邪教组织。

And she started digging around on the internet for information about the Gwenko organization and Vipassana meditation. She learned that there were centers all over the world where 10 retreats were held, and that the retreats were all based on the teachings of this one man. Eventually, she found blog posts suggesting the whole Gwenker network was like a cult.

说它是在蒙蔽人们的双眼，提供的是一种虚假的伪宗教体验，本质上就是邪教分子。

And that it was pulling the wool over people's eyes, that what they were offering was some sort of bogus pseudo religious experience, but that they were essentially cultists.

这时凯特开始真正恐慌起来。她告诉丈夫斯蒂芬，认为女儿可能陷入了一个冥想邪教。

This is when Kate started to seriously panic. She told Stephen, her husband, that she thought their daughter might be in a meditation cult.

凯特开始阅读关于邪教及其运作方式的书籍，并把书给我说：你看，你必须读读这个。这确实让我从各种角度看清了真相。

Kate started reading books about cults and how they operate and giving to me and saying, look, you've got to read this. And that actually caused various forms of scales to fall from my eyes.

惊恐万分的凯特和斯蒂芬开始寻找方法，帮助女儿脱离这个组织。凯特偶然发现了一个名为'邪教信息中心'的团体。

Terrified, Kate and Stephen started to look for ways to help get their daughter away from this organization. And Kate came across a group called the Cult Information Centre.

我给他们打电话，开始描述我女儿的遭遇。他们说这种精神错乱状态可能是由冥想引发的，需要寻求非常专业的帮助。

And I phoned them up and started describing to them what was happening to my daughter. And they said this state of psychosis can be brought on by meditation. And you need to get a very specialist help.

凯特甚至不知道该如何寻找这方面的专家。就像寻找捉鬼敢死队一样，不到需要时根本不会想到。邪教信息中心推荐了几个人选，她就这样找到了格雷厄姆·鲍德温。

Kate didn't even know how to go about finding a specialist for this sort of thing. It's like looking up a Ghostbuster. You don't even know you need one until you do. The Cult Information Centre made some recommendations, and that's how she found Graham Baldwin.

这些组织的工作就是阻止人们独立思考。而我们的职责是重新点燃那些批判性思维能力。

Groups work to try and stop people thinking for themselves. And so our job is to rekindle those critical abilities.

格雷厄姆是'催化剂'机构的负责人，这个慈善组织帮助那些遭受虐待性关系和团体伤害的家庭与个人。他还记得接到凯特电话的情形。

Graham's the director of Catalyst, which is a charity that helps families and individuals that have been damaged by abusive relationships and groups. He remembers the call he got from Kate.

她描述了女儿的行为表现：自我封闭、整天待在房间里、无法入睡、出现偏执症状，这些都是精神崩溃的典型征兆。

She described the way her daughter was behaving. She was cutting herself off, sitting in the room all the time, unable to sleep, having paranoid episodes and the usual sort of signs of a psychiatric breakdown.

格雷厄姆接触过许多打来类似求助电话的家庭，他们都认为亲人卷入了邪教。但格雷厄姆认为关键不在于艾米丽是否加入邪教，而在于她参与了如此高强度的冥想。他向我讲述了第一次听说有人因冥想出现问题的经历，那是在九十年代，他受邀前往印度寻找一个卷入当地邪教组织的人。

Graham's worked with lots of families who have made calls to him just like this one. Families who think their loved one has become involved in a cult. But Graham thought the important issue was less about whether Emily was involved in a cult, and more about the fact she was involved with such intensive meditation. He told me about the first time he heard of people having difficulties from meditation. It was back in the nineties, and he had been asked to go to India to try and track someone down who'd become involved in a cult there.

于是我决定和当地人聊聊，我去了一家当地的精神病医院。医生对我说，很高兴你打来电话，因为我们这里面临的问题被我们称为‘英国病’。我问，英国病？什么是英国病？他说，就是那些因为参与印度冥想团体而出现精神崩溃的人。

So I decided to talk to people locally, and I I went to a local psychiatric hospital. The doctor said to me, I'm glad you called because the problem we have here is something that we term the English disease. And I said, The English disease? What's the English disease? And he said, It's people that have psychiatric breakdowns because they've got involved with meditation groups in India.

这些人来到这里，加入冥想团体，过度冥想，最终导致精神崩溃。

And so these people come over here, they get involved in a meditation group, they do excessive meditation and then they have breakdowns.

所以当格雷厄姆听说艾米丽的情况时，他并不惊讶。这已经不是他第一次被请求帮助那些因密集修习内观冥想而陷入困境的人了。

So when Graham heard about Emily, he wasn't surprised. This wasn't the first time he'd been asked to help someone who'd been intensely practising Vipassana meditation and fallen into difficulty.

这是一些冥想团体存在的问题。像内观这样的团体宣扬冥想是解决一切问题的方法。它会帮助你成为更好的人，等等等等。

And this is a problem with some meditation groups. Groups like Vipassana presented that meditation is the solution to everything. It will help you to become a better person and etcetera, etcetera.

格雷厄姆说，根据他的个人经验，并非每个人都能通过密集冥想成为更好的人。

Graham says, from his own personal experience, not everyone becomes a better person from intensive meditation.

大约三分之一进行冥想的人确实有效果，他们感觉冥想让自己变得更好。另外三分之一的人认为冥想毫无益处，觉得无用就放弃了。还有三分之一的人则因为冥想出现了问题。

About a third of the people that do meditation, it works. And they feel that it does make them feel better. About a third say it doesn't do any good one way or the other, and it's useless and people stop doing it. And another third develop problems as a result of the meditation.

格雷厄姆的话让我震惊——实际上众所周知，密集冥想可能对人造成伤害。格雷厄姆说，冥想团体往往不愿承认冥想对某些人不仅无益，甚至有害，就像对艾米丽那样。

I was taken aback by what Graham was saying, that effectively it was well known that intensive meditation could harm people. And Graham says there's often a reluctance from meditation groups to accept the meditation is just not good for some people, even bad for them, like it was for Emily.

有趣的是，当团体看到人们出现精神崩溃的问题时，他们声称这只是清理管道中的垃圾。这是人们必须继续做并克服的事情。而根据我的经验，这只会让情况变得更糟。而让他们恢复的最大关键就是停止冥想——当他们被告知这是解决问题的唯一方法时，这相当困难。

Now what's interesting about that is that when the groups see this problem of people having psychiatric breakdowns, they claim that it's just sort of clearing out the rubbish in the pipes. It's something people have to continue doing and get over it. And in my experience, all it ever does is make the person worse. And the biggest thing in putting them back together was getting them to stop meditating, which was quite difficult when they'd been told it was the only answer to their problems.

格雷厄姆告诉凯特和斯蒂芬，听起来他们的女儿因过度冥想而处于精神失常状态。他们需要立即让她停止冥想。但这并不容易，他们需要谨慎行事。凯特制定了一个计划，试图说服艾米丽与格雷厄姆通话。

Graham told Kate and Stephen that it sounded like their daughter was in a state of psychosis, from too much meditation. They needed to get her to stop meditating right away. But this would not be easy, and they needed to tread lightly. Kate created a plan to try to convince Emily to get on a call with Graham.

我说，电话那头有人想和你谈谈。他对你内观禅修的经历非常感兴趣。你愿意和他聊聊吗？令人惊讶的是，她同意了。于是她花了——我不知道——大概两个小时和他通电话。

I said, somebody on the phone wants to talk to you. He's very interested in your experience with Vipassana. Would you talk to him? And amazingly, she agreed. And so she spent, I don't know, was like two hours talking to him on the phone.

之后，她完全筋疲力尽。我们就这样持续了四五周，安排她与他通话。大约结束时，她应该已经和这个男人进行了五六次长谈。她开始做一些事情，比如拿起周日报纸评论文章，收听广播内容并回应，和我们进行对话。她基本上开始重新与现实接触。

And afterwards, she was completely exhausted. And we went on like this for four or five weeks, planning phone calls where she would talk to him. And by the end of about she must have had five or six long sessions of conversation with this man. She started doing things like picking up the Sunday papers, commenting on an article, listening to something that was said on the radio and responding to it, having a conversation with us. She started basically coming back into touch with reality.

这就是她康复的开始。

And that was the beginning of her recovery.

格雷厄姆的干预似乎起了作用。但他取得的进展并未让一切恢复正常。艾米丽的生活轨迹与两年前仍大不相同。她从牛津辍学，住在家里，仍然无法正常融入社会。但至少，她不再显得有自杀倾向或完全脱离现实。

Graham's intervention seemed to work. But the progress Graham made didn't reverse things back to normal. Emily was still on a very different trajectory to two years earlier. She had dropped out of Oxford, was living at home, and still wasn't able to function in society. But at least, she no longer seemed suicidal or completely detached from reality.

凯特和史蒂文以为他们开始找回女儿，情况即将好转。但随后又发生了别的事情。难以置信的是，艾米丽的双胞胎妹妹莎拉也开始接触冥想，最终沉迷于格温卡教授的同样形式的内观禅修。莎拉看到姐姐通过冥想感觉好转，所以她也想试试。

Kate and Steven thought they were beginning to get their daughter back, that things were about to improve. But then something else happened. Unbelievably, Emily's twin sister Sarah started to get into meditation as well, ultimately becoming hooked on the same form of Vipassana meditation taught by Gwenka. Sarah had seen her sister meditating as a way to feel better. So she thought she'd try it too.

我确实感到一种责任感和深深的愧疚、羞耻、尴尬与恐惧，因为我曾鼓励她去参加那个意面活动。但我也承认，当时我只是基于自己意识层面所能获得的信息行事。

I do feel a sense of responsibility and a great, great deal of guilt and shame and embarrassment and horror because of the way that I encouraged her to go to do the pasta. But I also concede that I was only acting on the information that I had available to my conscious kind of self at that time.

莎拉参加了第一次静修，接着是第二次、第三次。很快，她开始表现出和艾米丽相同但更严重的行为症状——她被从未经历过的强奸、战争和谋杀记忆所困扰。凯特现在有两个女儿都陷入了严重的心理危机。而唯一的共同变量就是圭恩卡静修中心。

Sarah went to her first retreat, then another, then another. Soon, Sarah started to exhibit the same behavior as Emily had, only more severe. She was being plagued by memories of rape, war, and murder, events that had never happened to her. Kate now had two daughters in serious psychological distress. And the common variable were the Guenca retreats.

太可怕了。她时不时出现幻觉。我记得她哭着说'我要失去她了，她已经不在了'。

It was horrific. She was hallucinating some of the time. I remember her crying, she's going. I'm losing her. She's gone.

我必须弄清莎拉身上发生了什么，这些恐怖经历是双胞胎独有的吗？还有其他类似遭遇的人吗？这些问题究竟有多普遍？答案将在《静修》下一集中揭晓。《静修》是英国《金融时报》全新调查类播客'未解之谜'的首季内容。

I needed to understand what happened to Sarah and whether these frightening experiences were unique to the twins? Were there others who'd had this experience too? Just how widespread were these issues? That's in the next episode of The Retreat. The Retreat is the first season from Untold, a new Financial Times investigative podcast.

本节目由英国《金融时报》与GOAT Rodeo联合制作。系列主制作人为丽贝卡·赛德尔和珀西斯·洛夫。记者玛德琳·马瑞吉，撰稿人玛德琳·马瑞吉、梅根·阿多尔斯基和丽贝卡·赛德尔。故事编辑伊恩·恩莱特。

It is produced by the Financial Times with GOAT Rodeo. The series lead producers are Rebecca Seidl and Persis Love. Reporting by me, Madison Marriage. Writing by me, Megan Adolsky and Rebecca Seidl. Story editing from Ian Enright.

英国《金融时报》执行制作人托弗·福赫兹和谢丽尔·布朗利。GOAT Rodeo执行制作人伊恩·恩莱特和梅根·霍多尔斯基。混音、剪辑与音效设计由丽贝卡·赛德尔完成。主题曲采用科琳的《每个活着的人都想要答案》。附加音乐来自伊恩·恩莱特、丽贝卡·赛德尔和Blue Dot Sessions。

Executive producers for The Financial Times are Topher Forhez and Cheryl Bromley. Executive producers for GOAT Rodeo are Ian Enright and Megan Hodolsky. Mixing, editing, and sound design by Rebecca Seidel. The series theme is Everyone Alive Wants Answers by Colleen. Additional music from Ian Enright, Rebecca Seidahl, and Blue Dot Sessions.

编辑与制作协助来自保罗·拉法洛、约书亚·加巴特·多扬、佩特罗斯·吉昂帕斯、安德鲁·乔治亚迪斯、西达尔特·文卡塔拉马克里希南和劳拉·克拉克。特别感谢阿拉斯泰尔·麦基。若您受本系列内容影响，节目备注中列有相关援助资源。如有关于本播客的线索，请联系记者玛德琳·马瑞吉（madison.marriage@ft.com）。感谢您的收听。

Editorial and production assistance from Paul LaFlalo, Joshua Gabbat Doyon, Petros Guionpasses, Andrew Georgiades, Siddharth Venkataramakrishnan, and Laura Clark. Thanks also to Alastair Mackie. If you've been affected by anything in this series, there are some useful resources highlighted in the show notes. And if you want to share a tip in relation to this podcast, please get in touch with me, Madison, at madison.marriage@ft.com. Thanks to you for listening.

同时感谢众多消息来源与我分享他们非常私人的故事。

And thanks to the many sources who shared their very personal stories with me.