第一季第一集 莫妮卡的新室友

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's the old way.

Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's the old way.

But I'll be there for you.

But I'll be there for you.

I've been there before.

I've been there before.

I'll be there for you. I'll be there for you.

I'll be there for you. I'll be there for you.

There's nothing to tell.

There's nothing to tell.

It's just some guy I work with.

It's just some guy I work with.

Come on, you're going out with the guy.

Come on, you're going out with the guy.

There's got to be something wrong with him.

There's got to be something wrong with him.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

So does he have a hump, a hump and a hairpiece? Ha ha ha.

So does he have a hump, a hump and a hairpiece? Ha ha ha.

Wait, does he eat chalk?

Wait, does he eat chalk?

Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl.

Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl.

um, Ok, everybody relax.

um, Ok, everybody relax.

This is not even a date, it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. Sounds like a date to me.

This is not even a date, it's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. Sounds like a date to me.

All right, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

All right, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

Then I look down, and I realize there is a phone.

Then I look down, and I realize there is a phone.

There.

There.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Instead of, that's right.

Instead of, that's right.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Never had that.

Never had that.

No.

No.

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

And it turns out it's my mother. Hahaha. Which is very very weird because.

And it turns out it's my mother. Hahaha. Which is very very weird because.

She never calls me.

She never calls me.

Hi.

Hi.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

This guy says hello, I want to kill myself.

This guy says hello, I want to kill myself.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Are you OK, sweetie?

Are you OK, sweetie?

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck.

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck.

Cookie.

Cookie.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Carol moved your stuff out today. Oh, let me get you some coffee. Thanks.

Carol moved your stuff out today. Oh, let me get you some coffee. Thanks.

Oh, oh, no, oh, no, no, don't, stop cleansing my aura. Hahaha. Don't just leave my aura alone, OK? Hahaha.

Oh, oh, no, oh, no, no, don't, stop cleansing my aura. Hahaha. Don't just leave my aura alone, OK? Hahaha.

I'll be fine, all right, really, everyone.

I'll be fine, all right, really, everyone.

I hope she'll be very happy.

I hope she'll be very happy.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

To hell with her, she left me.

To hell with her, she left me.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

All right, Ross, look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.

All right, Ross, look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.

You're angry.

You're angry.

You're hurt.

You're hurt.

Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints.

Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints.

Come on, you're single.

Come on, you're single.

Have some hormone.

Have some hormone.

See, but I don't want to be single, OK?

See, but I don't want to be single, OK?

I just I just I just want to be married again.

I just I just I just want to be married again.

Ha ha ha, and I just want a million dollars. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha, and I just want a million dollars. Ha ha ha.

Rachel!

Rachel!

Oh god, Monica, hi!

Oh god, Monica, hi!

Thank god!

Thank god!

I just went to your building and you weren't there, and then this guy with a big hammer said that you might be here, and you are, you are!

I just went to your building and you weren't there, and then this guy with a big hammer said that you might be here, and you are, you are!

Can I get you some coffee?

Can I get you some coffee?

Decaf.

Decaf.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Ok, everybody, this is Rachel.

Ok, everybody, this is Rachel.

Now they're link in high survivor.

Now they're link in high survivor.

This this is everybody.

This this is everybody.

This is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross? Sure. Hey! Hi! Oh!

This is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross? Sure. Hey! Hi! Oh!

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

So, you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

So, you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Oh god, well, it started about a half hour before the wedding.

Oh god, well, it started about a half hour before the wedding.

I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat, this really gorgeous limo's gravy boat.

I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat, this really gorgeous limo's gravy boat.

When all of a sudden, sweet and low, I realized.

When all of a sudden, sweet and low, I realized.

I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me, how much Barry looks like Mr.

And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me, how much Barry looks like Mr.

Potato Head.

Potato Head.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

You know, I mean, I always know he looked familiar, but hahaha.

You know, I mean, I always know he looked familiar, but hahaha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?

Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?

So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kind of drifted apart, but You're the only person I knew who lived here in the city, who wasn't invited to the wedding.

So anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kind of drifted apart, but You're the only person I knew who lived here in the city, who wasn't invited to the wedding.

Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

Right, I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. Hahaha. Daddy, I just.

Right, I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. Hahaha. Daddy, I just.

I can't marry him. I'm sorry. I just don't love him.

I can't marry him. I'm sorry. I just don't love him.

Well, it matters to me.

Well, it matters to me.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Oh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Oh, she should not be wearing those pants.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

I say push her down the stairs.

I say push her down the stairs.

Push her down the stairs. Push her down the stairs.

Push her down the stairs. Push her down the stairs.

Come on, daddy.

Come on, daddy.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

It's like all of my life, everyone has always told me, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe.

It's like all of my life, everyone has always told me, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe.

And then today, I just stopped, and I said, what if I don't want to be a shoe?

And then today, I just stopped, and I said, what if I don't want to be a shoe?

What if I want to be a a purse, you know?

What if I want to be a a purse, you know?

Or or or or a hat.

Or or or or a hat.

No, I don't want you to buy me a hat.

No, I don't want you to buy me a hat.

I'm saying that I am a hat, it's a metaphor, Daddy.

I'm saying that I am a hat, it's a metaphor, Daddy.

哈哈哈。

哈哈哈。

You can see where he'd have trouble. Hahaha.

You can see where he'd have trouble. Hahaha.

Look, daddy, it's my life.

Look, daddy, it's my life.

Well, well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Well, well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica. Ha ha ha. Well, maybe that's my decision.

Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica. Ha ha ha. Well, maybe that's my decision.

Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait wait, I said maybe.

Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait wait, I said maybe.

OK, just breathe, that's it.

OK, just breathe, that's it.

Just try to think of nice, calm things.

Just try to think of nice, calm things.

Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens Thing with mittens, hahaha.

Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens Thing with mittens, hahaha.

And a lot less something with string, hahaha. I'm all better now, hahaha.

And a lot less something with string, hahaha. I'm all better now, hahaha.

I helped. Hahaha.

I helped. Hahaha.

OK, look, this is probably for the best, you know.

OK, look, this is probably for the best, you know.

Independence, taking control of your life.

Independence, taking control of your life.

And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey.

And hey, you need anything, you can always come to Joey.

Me and Chanler live right across the hall, and he's away a lot.

Me and Chanler live right across the hall, and he's away a lot.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Joey, stop hitting on her.

Joey, stop hitting on her.

It's her wedding day.

It's her wedding day.

What? Like there's a rule or something? Ha ha ha.

What? Like there's a rule or something? Ha ha ha.

Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

uh, It's, it's Paul.

uh, It's, it's Paul.

Buzz him in.

Buzz him in.

Who's Paul?

Who's Paul?

Paul the wine guy?

Paul the wine guy?

Paul?

Paul?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You're not a real date tonight is with Paul the wine guy?

You're not a real date tonight is with Paul the wine guy?

He finally asked you out? Yes? Oh, this is a dear diary moment. Hahaha.

He finally asked you out? Yes? Oh, this is a dear diary moment. Hahaha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Rich, wait, I I can cancel.

Rich, wait, I I can cancel.

Please, no, go, I'll be fine.

Please, no, go, I'll be fine.

I I, Ross, are you OK? I mean, do you want me to stay?

I I, Ross, are you OK? I mean, do you want me to stay?

That'd be good.

That'd be good.

Really?

Really?

No, go on.

No, go on.

It's Paul the wine guy.

It's Paul the wine guy.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Hi, come in.

Hi, come in.

Paul, this is everybody.

Paul, this is everybody.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Everybody, this is Paul.

Everybody, this is Paul.

Hey, wine guy, wine guy.

Hey, wine guy, wine guy.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Ha ha ha.

Two seconds.

Two seconds.

Oh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

Oh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

So, Rachel, what are you uh what are you up to tonight?

So, Rachel, what are you uh what are you up to tonight?

Well, I was kind of supposed to be headed for a rub on my honeymoon, so nothing.

Well, I was kind of supposed to be headed for a rub on my honeymoon, so nothing.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon.

Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon.

God.

God.

No, no, I've voted a ruba. This time a year, yeah, talk about your.

No, no, I've voted a ruba. This time a year, yeah, talk about your.

Big lizards. Hahaha.

Big lizards. Hahaha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, uh, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my my new furniture.

Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, uh, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my my new furniture.

Yes, and we're very excited about it. Ha ha ha.

Yes, and we're very excited about it. Ha ha ha.

Well, actually, thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.

Well, actually, thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.

It's been a long day.

It's been a long day.

Oh, sure, OK, sure.

Oh, sure, OK, sure.

Hey, Phoebe, you wanna help?

Hey, Phoebe, you wanna help?

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys.

I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys.

I have no bracket-y thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever. And I cannot feel my legs.

I have no bracket-y thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever. And I cannot feel my legs.

What's this? I have no idea.

What's this? I have no idea.

Done with the bookcase.

Done with the bookcase.

This was Carol's favorite beer.

This was Carol's favorite beer.

She always drank it out of the can.

She always drank it out of the can.

I I should have known.

I I should have known.

Bro, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture.

Bro, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture.

Stereo, the good TV, what did you get?

Stereo, the good TV, what did you get?

You guys, oh god, you got screwed.

You guys, oh god, you got screwed.

Oh my god, hahaha.

Oh my god, hahaha.

Oh my god. I know I know I'm such an idiot.

Oh my god. I know I know I'm such an idiot.

I guess I should've caught on when you started going to the dentist 4 and 5 times a week.

I guess I should've caught on when you started going to the dentist 4 and 5 times a week.

I mean how clean can teeth get?

I mean how clean can teeth get?

My brother's going through that right now.

My brother's going through that right now.

He's he's such a mess.

He's he's such a mess.

How did you get through it?

How did you get through it?

I might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.

I might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.

Say her leg.

Say her leg.

Oh, ha ha ha, that's one way of going through it.

Oh, ha ha ha, that's one way of going through it.

Yeah, me, I I went for the watch. You actually broke her watch.

Yeah, me, I I went for the watch. You actually broke her watch.

Barry, I'm sorry.

Barry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I know you probably think this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't, it isn't, it's about me, and I did.

I know you probably think this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't, it isn't, it's about me, and I did.

Hi, machine cut me off again. Anyway, ha ha ha.

Hi, machine cut me off again. Anyway, ha ha ha.

You know what the scariest part is?

You know what the scariest part is?

What if there's only one woman for everybody?

What if there's only one woman for everybody?

You know?

You know?

I mean what if you get one woman, and that's it?

I mean what if you get one woman, and that's it?

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

One woman?

One woman?

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.

That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.

Let me tell you something, Ross.

Let me tell you something, Ross.

There's lots of flavors out there.

There's lots of flavors out there.

This Rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing cherry vanilla.

This Rocky road, and cookie dough, and bing cherry vanilla.

You can get them with jimmies, or nuts, hmm, or whipped cream.

You can get them with jimmies, or nuts, hmm, or whipped cream.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you.

This is the best thing that ever happened to you.

You got married.

You got married.

You were like what?

You were like what?

8.

8.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Welcome back to the world.

Welcome back to the world.

Grab a spoon.

Grab a spoon.

I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. And stay out of my freezer.

I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. And stay out of my freezer.

Ever ever since she walked out on me.

Ever ever since she walked out on me.

What what what?

What what what?

You you want to spell it out with noodles?

You you want to spell it out with noodles?

No, it's it's it's it's more of a fifth date kind of revelation. Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date.

No, it's it's it's it's more of a fifth date kind of revelation. Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date.

Isn't there? Yeah, yeah, I I I think there is.

Isn't there? Yeah, yeah, I I I think there is.

What were you gonna say?

What were you gonna say?

uh, Well, there, there.

uh, Well, there, there.

Ever since she left me, um.

Ever since she left me, um.

I haven't I haven't been able to uh perform.

I haven't I haven't been able to uh perform.

Sexually. Ha ha ha.

Sexually. Ha ha ha.

Oh god, oh god, I am so, I'm so sorry.

Oh god, oh god, I am so, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I know being sit on is probably not what you need right now.

I know being sit on is probably not what you need right now.

How long? uh, Two years. Wow.

How long? uh, Two years. Wow.

I I I'm glad you smash your watch.

I I I'm glad you smash your watch.

So, you still think you um might want that fifth date?

So, you still think you um might want that fifth date?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I do.

I, Joni, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.

I, Joni, take you, Charles, as my lawful husband.

Do you take Joni? Oh! See? But Joni love Chachi. That's the difference.

Do you take Joni? Oh! See? But Joni love Chachi. That's the difference.

Grab a spoon.

Grab a spoon.

Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed the spoon?

Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed the spoon?

To the words, Billy don't be a hero, mean anything to you?

To the words, Billy don't be a hero, mean anything to you?

You know, here's the thing.

You know, here's the thing.

Even if I could get it together, en- enough to, you know, to to ask a woman out.

Even if I could get it together, en- enough to, you know, to to ask a woman out.

Who am I gonna ask?

Who am I gonna ask?

You ever need holding.

You ever need holding.

uh, My name.

uh, My name.

To be there.

To be there.

If you ever need holding.

If you ever need holding.

Isn't this amazing?

Isn't this amazing?

I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.

That is amazing.

That is amazing.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

While you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a western omelet or something.

While you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a western omelet or something.

哈哈哈。

哈哈哈。

Although, actually, I'm really not that hungry this morning.

Although, actually, I'm really not that hungry this morning.

Morning, morning, morning, morning.

Morning, morning, morning, morning.

Morning, morning, Paul. Hello, Paul. Hi, Paul, is it?

Morning, morning, Paul. Hello, Paul. Hi, Paul, is it?

A really great time last night.

A really great time last night.

Thank you, thank you so much. We'll talk later. Yeah.

Thank you, thank you so much. We'll talk later. Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That wasn't a real date.

That wasn't a real date.

What the hell do you do on a real day? Hahaha.

What the hell do you do on a real day? Hahaha.

Shut up and put my table back.

Shut up and put my table back.

OK.

OK.

All right, kids, I gotta get to work. I don't input those numbers.

All right, kids, I gotta get to work. I don't input those numbers.

Doesn't make much of a difference.

Doesn't make much of a difference.

So like, you guys all have jobs?

So like, you guys all have jobs?

Yeah, we all have jobs.

Yeah, we all have jobs.

See, that's how we buy stuff.

See, that's how we buy stuff.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Yeah, I'm an actor.

Wow!

Wow!

What have I seen you in anything?

What have I seen you in anything?

Oh, I doubt it.

Oh, I doubt it.

Mostly regional work.

Mostly regional work.

Okay, unless you happen to catch the We One's production of Pinocchio. Look, Geppetto, I'm a real live boy.

Okay, unless you happen to catch the We One's production of Pinocchio. Look, Geppetto, I'm a real live boy.

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

I will not take this abuse.

I will not take this abuse.

You're right, I'm sorry. Once I was a wooden boy.

You're right, I'm sorry. Once I was a wooden boy.

So, how are you doing today?

So, how are you doing today?

You you sleep OK?

You you sleep OK?

You talk to Barry?

You talk to Barry?

I can't stop smiling.

I can't stop smiling.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

I can see that.

I can see that.

You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. I know. Hahaha.

You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. I know. Hahaha.

哈哈哈。

哈哈哈。

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

哈哈哈哈哈哈。

I know he he is just so, you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Oh yeah, well, it's like that with feelings.

I know he he is just so, you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Oh yeah, well, it's like that with feelings.

Oh wow!

Oh wow!

Are you in trouble?

Are you in trouble?

Ok, ok.

Ok, ok.

I am just going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day.

I am just going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day.

Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work.

Hahaha.

Hahaha.

Oh, I wish me luck.

Oh, I wish me luck.

What for?

What for?

I'm gonna go get one of those job things. Hahaha.

I'm gonna go get one of those job things. Hahaha.

Hey, Monica.

Hey, Monica.

Hey, Ranny.

Hey, Ranny.

Welcome back. How was Florida? You had sex, didn't you?

Welcome back. How was Florida? You had sex, didn't you?

How did you do that?

How did you do that?

So, who?

So, who?

You know Paul, Paul the wine guy. Oh yeah, I know Paul.

You know Paul, Paul the wine guy. Oh yeah, I know Paul.

You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

You mean you know Paul like I know Paul?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

I take credit for Paul.

I take credit for Paul.

You know, before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

You know, before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Of course it was a lie.

Of course it was a lie.

Why why why would anybody do something like that?

Why why why would anybody do something like that?

I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than to get you into bed.

I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than to get you into bed.

Is it me?

Is it me?

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? All right, come here, give me your feet.

Is it like I have some sort of beacon that that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? All right, come here, give me your feet.

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I just thought he was nice, you know?

I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.

I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Guess what?

Guess what?

You got a job?

You got a job?

Are you kidding?

Are you kidding?

I'm trained for nothing.

I'm trained for nothing.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

I was laughed at 12 interviews today.

I was laughed at 12 interviews today.

Yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Yet you're surprisingly upbeat.

Well, you would be too, if you found Joan and David boots on sale 50% off. Hahaha. Oh, how well you know me. Hahaha.

Well, you would be too, if you found Joan and David boots on sale 50% off. Hahaha. Oh, how well you know me. Hahaha.

They're my new.

They're my new.

I don't need a job.

I don't need a job.

I don't need my parents.

I don't need my parents.

I've got great boots boots.

I've got great boots boots.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

How do you pay for them?

How do you pay for them?

uh, Credit card. Mm hmm. And and who pays for that?

uh, Credit card. Mm hmm. And and who pays for that?

Um, My father.

Um, My father.

Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.

I know that, that's why I was getting married.

I know that, that's why I was getting married.

Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.

Thank you, you're welcome.

Thank you, you're welcome.